- Sep 22, 2013
- 4,956
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A blood-diamond heist parody inspired by A Fish Called Wanda (Kevin Kline!) Enjoy,
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The setting is Antwerp, where great diamonds are exchanged. The thieves are a trio of pirates from Algeria, now US citizens, once working for the CIA stealing blood-diamonds from corrupt Euro-barons for Interpol. Now the thieves call themselves Shadow and roam around Antwerp in search of a baron's South African blood-diamonds or 'conflict diamonds' (used usually to finance warlords regimes or terrorism). The so-called Shadow pirates love Antwerp and consider it their 2nd home on Earth.
ISAAC: We do this with style and efficacy or we run the risk of drawing baron-wrath.
MARCUS: No one likes these wrathful barons of Europe these days.
CHRIS: Maybe most of these barons are linked to South African pimps!
ISAAC: We need to be nerdy about this, so we'll walk around Antwerp as photojournalists.
The Shadow pirates staked out this fancy national bank, a European safe-house for boxes holding South African gems, mostly blood-diamonds. These boxes belonged partly to the corrupt and wealthy Dutch baron-warlord Norm Kuyt ('NK'), and the Shadow pirates noted that the Antwerp bank had many security cameras controlled by computers which sent signals to the local police if strange videos were recorded inside the bank.
The Shadow pirates invaded the computer-video terminal networks which sent relays of the recorded live videos to local police and inserted a digital fake video-runtime which had a pre-recorded video of the regular bank operations the week prior. No one would notice. The Shadow pirates then walked in wearing masks and costumes and wielding toy water-guns, claiming to be members of a local theater group hired by Interpol to take Polaroid photos of the Dutch baron Norm Kuyt's precious European gems in safe-box #445. The bank manager thought these theatrical performers were part of some modern Antwerp photojournalism stunt about diamond advertisements routing to modern baron holdings in Europe!
During the photo-session, Isaac switched Kuyt's safe-box gems with fake replicas hidden in the soles of his shoes. He then flashed his water-gun to the guardsman and revealed it was filled with corrosive HCL acid. The guardsman was shocked and asked Isaac, who was masked like his other cohorts inside the safe-box area of the vault-room of the fancy Antwerp bank what the hell these pirates actually wanted. Isaac gave the guardsman a piece of paper which read, "Beware of theatrical Interpol agents wielding 'acid-guns' and claiming to be inspecting baron blood-diamond drive-thrus all over Europe now, NK!"
ANTWERP GAZETTE: We believe these 'Shadow' pirates are working with some underground agency to destroy baron-diction.
ISAAC: I like these post-heist moments in the night-clubs of Europe, where we drink to melancholia!
MARCUS: The women of Europe are simply under-valued by the men of modern magazines.
CHRIS: We got $20 million worth of Kuyt's blood-diamonds.
ISAAC: We'll buy these girls some nice Audi cars.
The Shadow pirates had made off with the switched blood-diamonds and hopped on the Antwerp subway to get to the local supermarket where they switched costumes to record a YouTube news-reel video about the traffic in Europe regarding the classes of wealth in modern times. They uploaded this video about 1 hour after the bank heist of Kuyt's blood-diamonds. When detectives wondered about the trail of these theatrical anti-baron 'Robin Hoods' on a weird rampage, they couldn't connect them to the theatrical YouTube news-makers on the Antwerp metro.
When their YouTube video got millions of hits and comments including one from a very iconic Euro-model, Isaac started dating this model and married her in Brussels. He sent Norm Kuyt an invitation to their Belgian wedding, but he failed to attend. After the honeymoon, Isaac called his Shadow cohorts Marcus/Chris and told them he was fleeing to Tahiti with his new trophy wife. They liked the idea that love would cover their tracks and prevent Baron Kuyt from tracking their dastardly Euro-diary.
INTERPOL: We want professional work in blood-diamond hellmouths, so we're wary of 'Robin Hood' dozens now!
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"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)
====
The setting is Antwerp, where great diamonds are exchanged. The thieves are a trio of pirates from Algeria, now US citizens, once working for the CIA stealing blood-diamonds from corrupt Euro-barons for Interpol. Now the thieves call themselves Shadow and roam around Antwerp in search of a baron's South African blood-diamonds or 'conflict diamonds' (used usually to finance warlords regimes or terrorism). The so-called Shadow pirates love Antwerp and consider it their 2nd home on Earth.
ISAAC: We do this with style and efficacy or we run the risk of drawing baron-wrath.
MARCUS: No one likes these wrathful barons of Europe these days.
CHRIS: Maybe most of these barons are linked to South African pimps!
ISAAC: We need to be nerdy about this, so we'll walk around Antwerp as photojournalists.
The Shadow pirates staked out this fancy national bank, a European safe-house for boxes holding South African gems, mostly blood-diamonds. These boxes belonged partly to the corrupt and wealthy Dutch baron-warlord Norm Kuyt ('NK'), and the Shadow pirates noted that the Antwerp bank had many security cameras controlled by computers which sent signals to the local police if strange videos were recorded inside the bank.
The Shadow pirates invaded the computer-video terminal networks which sent relays of the recorded live videos to local police and inserted a digital fake video-runtime which had a pre-recorded video of the regular bank operations the week prior. No one would notice. The Shadow pirates then walked in wearing masks and costumes and wielding toy water-guns, claiming to be members of a local theater group hired by Interpol to take Polaroid photos of the Dutch baron Norm Kuyt's precious European gems in safe-box #445. The bank manager thought these theatrical performers were part of some modern Antwerp photojournalism stunt about diamond advertisements routing to modern baron holdings in Europe!
During the photo-session, Isaac switched Kuyt's safe-box gems with fake replicas hidden in the soles of his shoes. He then flashed his water-gun to the guardsman and revealed it was filled with corrosive HCL acid. The guardsman was shocked and asked Isaac, who was masked like his other cohorts inside the safe-box area of the vault-room of the fancy Antwerp bank what the hell these pirates actually wanted. Isaac gave the guardsman a piece of paper which read, "Beware of theatrical Interpol agents wielding 'acid-guns' and claiming to be inspecting baron blood-diamond drive-thrus all over Europe now, NK!"
ANTWERP GAZETTE: We believe these 'Shadow' pirates are working with some underground agency to destroy baron-diction.
ISAAC: I like these post-heist moments in the night-clubs of Europe, where we drink to melancholia!
MARCUS: The women of Europe are simply under-valued by the men of modern magazines.
CHRIS: We got $20 million worth of Kuyt's blood-diamonds.
ISAAC: We'll buy these girls some nice Audi cars.
The Shadow pirates had made off with the switched blood-diamonds and hopped on the Antwerp subway to get to the local supermarket where they switched costumes to record a YouTube news-reel video about the traffic in Europe regarding the classes of wealth in modern times. They uploaded this video about 1 hour after the bank heist of Kuyt's blood-diamonds. When detectives wondered about the trail of these theatrical anti-baron 'Robin Hoods' on a weird rampage, they couldn't connect them to the theatrical YouTube news-makers on the Antwerp metro.
When their YouTube video got millions of hits and comments including one from a very iconic Euro-model, Isaac started dating this model and married her in Brussels. He sent Norm Kuyt an invitation to their Belgian wedding, but he failed to attend. After the honeymoon, Isaac called his Shadow cohorts Marcus/Chris and told them he was fleeing to Tahiti with his new trophy wife. They liked the idea that love would cover their tracks and prevent Baron Kuyt from tracking their dastardly Euro-diary.
INTERPOL: We want professional work in blood-diamond hellmouths, so we're wary of 'Robin Hood' dozens now!
====
"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)
