Lord Long Rod
Diamond Member
- Jan 17, 2023
- 7,706
- 8,152
- 2,138
- Banned
- #1
Blind dating is, of course, when someone goes on a date with another before meeting them. It can be dicey, and really is hit or miss. For example, one time my sister tried to set me up with the sister of her boyfriend. After her hard sale job (she is so sweet and funny, has a great job, etc...) she disclosed that this woman "has lost a lot of weight lately", but is still well over 200 lbs. She then turned to look me face to face and asked "Would her weight be a deal breaker for you?" I expressed to my sister how disappointed I was; I thought we had a much stronger and closer relationship that this, being each other's only siblings. How could she do this to me?!? Discarding our familial bond to set me up with a fatty?!? It took me a long time to get over that and normalize relations with my sister. However, things are now back to normal.
After my divorce a few years ago I rarely date anymore, and when I do it is only because I am trying to bone a chick. It is so easy to get your dick wet without having to mess with a relationship entanglement, that I will most likely never hook up long-term again. It is liberating. I have even redecorated my bedroom to put a nice, friendly little alcove with two chairs, lamp, and other trappings for an intimate conversation (e.g., a bar) and small table for when I make my dates dinner. Then, when the time is right, we just walk two steps to the bed and get busy. The rest of my house is all man. For example, I currently have a 20 ton press in my dining room for removing gun barrels. But from the front door to my bedroom is all suave and sexy. All I really have left to add is an ejection seat type of mechanism to blast them out of the bedroom right after I blast off.
So, anyway, I am no fan of blind dates. However, I went on a blind date this past Saturday night. My Coke dealer (I am a restauranteur), Esteban, said he has a niece that would be perfect for me. So he set it up.
Her name is Maria. She lives in a condo down on the coast. I arrived at her home at 7:00 pm. She welcomed me inside, made me a drink, and we engaged in small talk. Though first she looked me in the eye and asked, “Jack it off?” I said “sure”, removed my jacket and handed it to my host, who promptly placed it in repose inside a hall closet. She noticed the HK USP in my pants, which prompted her to show me the Deagle tattoo she has on her upper, inner-most thigh. Maria asked, “Do you want put your finger in there and pull the trigger, honey?” I replied, “Maybe later.”
Maria excused herself to prepare for dinner. My guess is that she was dropping a gnarly deuce before I took her to the Olive Garden. She had been passing gas since I arrived. All of a sudden this cute little kitty cat showed up and started rubbing up against my legs. I petted it and it just ate up the attention. I guess Maria overheard me talking to the cat, because she stuck her head out of her bedroom and asked if everything is ok. “Sure!”, I replied. “I am just keeping myself busy fingering your pussy.” Maria seemed confused, but then went back to what she was doing.
A few minutes later Maria met me in the living room, where she saw me with her kitty on my lap petting it. “Oh!! That’s what you meant!”, she said. “Yeah, I am just sitting here stroking your cute little pussy, keeping myself busy until I get a chance to pound the shit out of your big hairy dog”, I said. Maria’s eyes grew wide. Perhaps I had come on too strong?
I pointed to the sheep dog standing on the back patio and said “See that hairy fucker?!? He hiked his leg and pissed on the wheels on my Raptor!” Maria said it was not her dog and that I may do with it as I wished. “Perhaps later”, I stated.
Maria queried, “Are you ready for dinner, darling?” I told her that I sure was. “I can’t wait to stuff a big fat cock in my mouth. Maybe two!”, I said, followed by “I just love the chicken dishes at the Olive Garden!” Maria told me that I have a way with words.
At the restaurant I passed the manager a cool tenner to get us the best seat in the joint, right beside the restrooms! Maria said, “What an interesting place to sit”, to which I cleverly added “and to shit!”. I could not help myself, but I cracked myself up and started laughing uncontrollably. Maria looked a little put off, so I decided to start slapping a little of the old charm on her.
I leaned over toward Maria and asked her, “Hey, baby, let’s go to the men’s room and FUCK!” Before she could respond, I heard a young woman’s voice ask “Uh… Can I take your order?” It was the waitress. I looked her up and down, then told her “maybe later.”
After the young waitress skedaddled, Maria told me she had a better idea. She pulled out her dentures and placed them on the bread plate. Then she got her purse and disappeared under the table. I heard her from under the table say “Take your pants off, darling.” I complied. Maria then commenced to arouse my Willy and give me a knobber under the table.
Suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my hard penis. “OUCH!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?”, I demanded. Maria responded, “Relax, darling. It’s just a needle.” Surprisingly, this did not cause my sudden onset of anxiety to abate. “Why are you sticking needles in my dick?!?”, I demanded.
Maria informed me that she was shooting my cock up with coke. I had actually heard of this, though I had never done it. Then Maria said, “Don’t worry, honey. I make it all better. She then began going down on me. I just laid back in the booth and enjoyed the moment.
Then I heard Maria say “Oh no. I fuck up.” Her words shattered my bliss and hastily dragged me back to reality. Maria suddenly re-emerged from under the table. I was looking at her but I could not speak. She casually said “Darling, I made mistake. I accidentally shoot your dick with PCP.” But I was already gone, drifting off into another reality.
What came next was me being plunged into a hellish nightmare that lasted God who knows how long. It turned out that it was a dire mistake to have watched “Re-Animator” again before meeting Maria for our date. I was in a constant state of terror and panic, being subjected to inhuman, grim specters of death, suffering, and torture. All the demonic entities that reined down on me … it was absolutely ghastly!
I came to three days later. The police officer was demanding to know why I was naked and trying to have sex with a discarded Big Mac in the parking lot of a McDonald’s. All I could think to do was to recite a verse from the Slayer song, “Alive Undead”. It must have really freaked out the cop because he left me alone there.
I spent the next week naked and living like a wild animal in the back ally and nearby dumpsters. Finally, I snapped out of it and was able to go home, where I stayed locked in for another week in a state of paranoia and delirium.
I had absolutely no recollection of what happened to Maria. I hope nothing bad had happened to her. It would be a travesty if something hurt my bro relationship with Esteban. I decided to give him a call.
“Your crazy fucking niece shot my dick up with PCP!!”, I told Esteban. He apologized. “Oh, man, I am so sorry. I thought she had gotten past all that! She must be using again. When she uses she does crazy shit, you know? She even got into stealing and selling human organs to fund her habit.”
Esteban apologized profusely and promised to do me a solid on our next deal to make up for it. But the human organ thing creeped me out. Then a cold chill ran up my spine.
I rushed to my bathroom, lifted my shirt, and looked into the mirror. Yep. There is was. A laceration wound all stitched up, right where you would go in to take a kidney. “Son of a bitch!”, I said. To make matters worse, it was clear that the wound had become infected, a conclusion I drew from the redness of the wound and the smelly green puss flowing from the same.
Well, I decided right then and there that I would never, ever, go on a blind date again. It is simply not worth the risk you are forced to assume when you do it.
After my divorce a few years ago I rarely date anymore, and when I do it is only because I am trying to bone a chick. It is so easy to get your dick wet without having to mess with a relationship entanglement, that I will most likely never hook up long-term again. It is liberating. I have even redecorated my bedroom to put a nice, friendly little alcove with two chairs, lamp, and other trappings for an intimate conversation (e.g., a bar) and small table for when I make my dates dinner. Then, when the time is right, we just walk two steps to the bed and get busy. The rest of my house is all man. For example, I currently have a 20 ton press in my dining room for removing gun barrels. But from the front door to my bedroom is all suave and sexy. All I really have left to add is an ejection seat type of mechanism to blast them out of the bedroom right after I blast off.
So, anyway, I am no fan of blind dates. However, I went on a blind date this past Saturday night. My Coke dealer (I am a restauranteur), Esteban, said he has a niece that would be perfect for me. So he set it up.
Her name is Maria. She lives in a condo down on the coast. I arrived at her home at 7:00 pm. She welcomed me inside, made me a drink, and we engaged in small talk. Though first she looked me in the eye and asked, “Jack it off?” I said “sure”, removed my jacket and handed it to my host, who promptly placed it in repose inside a hall closet. She noticed the HK USP in my pants, which prompted her to show me the Deagle tattoo she has on her upper, inner-most thigh. Maria asked, “Do you want put your finger in there and pull the trigger, honey?” I replied, “Maybe later.”
Maria excused herself to prepare for dinner. My guess is that she was dropping a gnarly deuce before I took her to the Olive Garden. She had been passing gas since I arrived. All of a sudden this cute little kitty cat showed up and started rubbing up against my legs. I petted it and it just ate up the attention. I guess Maria overheard me talking to the cat, because she stuck her head out of her bedroom and asked if everything is ok. “Sure!”, I replied. “I am just keeping myself busy fingering your pussy.” Maria seemed confused, but then went back to what she was doing.
A few minutes later Maria met me in the living room, where she saw me with her kitty on my lap petting it. “Oh!! That’s what you meant!”, she said. “Yeah, I am just sitting here stroking your cute little pussy, keeping myself busy until I get a chance to pound the shit out of your big hairy dog”, I said. Maria’s eyes grew wide. Perhaps I had come on too strong?
I pointed to the sheep dog standing on the back patio and said “See that hairy fucker?!? He hiked his leg and pissed on the wheels on my Raptor!” Maria said it was not her dog and that I may do with it as I wished. “Perhaps later”, I stated.
Maria queried, “Are you ready for dinner, darling?” I told her that I sure was. “I can’t wait to stuff a big fat cock in my mouth. Maybe two!”, I said, followed by “I just love the chicken dishes at the Olive Garden!” Maria told me that I have a way with words.
At the restaurant I passed the manager a cool tenner to get us the best seat in the joint, right beside the restrooms! Maria said, “What an interesting place to sit”, to which I cleverly added “and to shit!”. I could not help myself, but I cracked myself up and started laughing uncontrollably. Maria looked a little put off, so I decided to start slapping a little of the old charm on her.
I leaned over toward Maria and asked her, “Hey, baby, let’s go to the men’s room and FUCK!” Before she could respond, I heard a young woman’s voice ask “Uh… Can I take your order?” It was the waitress. I looked her up and down, then told her “maybe later.”
After the young waitress skedaddled, Maria told me she had a better idea. She pulled out her dentures and placed them on the bread plate. Then she got her purse and disappeared under the table. I heard her from under the table say “Take your pants off, darling.” I complied. Maria then commenced to arouse my Willy and give me a knobber under the table.
Suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my hard penis. “OUCH!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?”, I demanded. Maria responded, “Relax, darling. It’s just a needle.” Surprisingly, this did not cause my sudden onset of anxiety to abate. “Why are you sticking needles in my dick?!?”, I demanded.
Maria informed me that she was shooting my cock up with coke. I had actually heard of this, though I had never done it. Then Maria said, “Don’t worry, honey. I make it all better. She then began going down on me. I just laid back in the booth and enjoyed the moment.
Then I heard Maria say “Oh no. I fuck up.” Her words shattered my bliss and hastily dragged me back to reality. Maria suddenly re-emerged from under the table. I was looking at her but I could not speak. She casually said “Darling, I made mistake. I accidentally shoot your dick with PCP.” But I was already gone, drifting off into another reality.
What came next was me being plunged into a hellish nightmare that lasted God who knows how long. It turned out that it was a dire mistake to have watched “Re-Animator” again before meeting Maria for our date. I was in a constant state of terror and panic, being subjected to inhuman, grim specters of death, suffering, and torture. All the demonic entities that reined down on me … it was absolutely ghastly!
I came to three days later. The police officer was demanding to know why I was naked and trying to have sex with a discarded Big Mac in the parking lot of a McDonald’s. All I could think to do was to recite a verse from the Slayer song, “Alive Undead”. It must have really freaked out the cop because he left me alone there.
I spent the next week naked and living like a wild animal in the back ally and nearby dumpsters. Finally, I snapped out of it and was able to go home, where I stayed locked in for another week in a state of paranoia and delirium.
I had absolutely no recollection of what happened to Maria. I hope nothing bad had happened to her. It would be a travesty if something hurt my bro relationship with Esteban. I decided to give him a call.
“Your crazy fucking niece shot my dick up with PCP!!”, I told Esteban. He apologized. “Oh, man, I am so sorry. I thought she had gotten past all that! She must be using again. When she uses she does crazy shit, you know? She even got into stealing and selling human organs to fund her habit.”
Esteban apologized profusely and promised to do me a solid on our next deal to make up for it. But the human organ thing creeped me out. Then a cold chill ran up my spine.
I rushed to my bathroom, lifted my shirt, and looked into the mirror. Yep. There is was. A laceration wound all stitched up, right where you would go in to take a kidney. “Son of a bitch!”, I said. To make matters worse, it was clear that the wound had become infected, a conclusion I drew from the redness of the wound and the smelly green puss flowing from the same.
Well, I decided right then and there that I would never, ever, go on a blind date again. It is simply not worth the risk you are forced to assume when you do it.
