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Republicans Concerned It’s Going To Be Harder Than Usual To Blow This Election
POLITICS·Jul 18, 2024 · BabylonBee.com
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MILWAUKEE, WI — Riding a wave of increased popularity with November swiftly approaching, prominent members of the Republican party expressed concern that it's going to be harder than usual to blow this election.
Despite positive buzz among the crowds at the Republican National Convention that momentum continues to build behind the party, GOP insiders lamented the significant challenges the party would now face to totally botch this year's election.
"The American people are going to make it tough for us this year," said RNC Chairman Michael Whatley. "We've maintained a long tradition of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory right at the last moment, but the voters turning to us in droves is going to pose a real challenge to keep the streak going. I want our supporters to know that we will continue working as hard as we can to blow this election one way or another."
Other notable Republicans were not as optimistic about the party's chances of completely bungling everything by election day. "It's not looking good," said Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, who has worked feverishly to anger and alienate loyal voters. "No matter how hard we try to mess things up, support keeps building behind us. We thought we had something going with changing our platform to upset a lot of voters, but Trump surviving an assassination attempt really dealt our chances of ruining the election a huge blow. We'll totally keep trying, though. We're Republicans. It's what we do."
At publishing time, RNC leaders discussed holding a human sacrifice to the ancient Canaanite idol Baal in a last-ditch attempt to drive away their voters.
POLITICS·Jul 18, 2024 · BabylonBee.com
Click here to view this article with reduced ads.
MILWAUKEE, WI — Riding a wave of increased popularity with November swiftly approaching, prominent members of the Republican party expressed concern that it's going to be harder than usual to blow this election.
Despite positive buzz among the crowds at the Republican National Convention that momentum continues to build behind the party, GOP insiders lamented the significant challenges the party would now face to totally botch this year's election.
"The American people are going to make it tough for us this year," said RNC Chairman Michael Whatley. "We've maintained a long tradition of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory right at the last moment, but the voters turning to us in droves is going to pose a real challenge to keep the streak going. I want our supporters to know that we will continue working as hard as we can to blow this election one way or another."
Other notable Republicans were not as optimistic about the party's chances of completely bungling everything by election day. "It's not looking good," said Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, who has worked feverishly to anger and alienate loyal voters. "No matter how hard we try to mess things up, support keeps building behind us. We thought we had something going with changing our platform to upset a lot of voters, but Trump surviving an assassination attempt really dealt our chances of ruining the election a huge blow. We'll totally keep trying, though. We're Republicans. It's what we do."
At publishing time, RNC leaders discussed holding a human sacrifice to the ancient Canaanite idol Baal in a last-ditch attempt to drive away their voters.
