# my mother has stage 5 alzheimer's...learn with me...



## strollingbones (May 7, 2010)

Stage 5:
 Moderately severe cognitive decline
(Moderate or mid-stage Alzheimer's disease)

Major gaps in memory and deficits in cognitive function emerge. Some assistance with day-to-day activities becomes essential. At this stage, individuals may:

&#8226;Be unable during a medical interview to recall such important details as their current address, their telephone number or the name of the college or high school from which they graduated

&#8226;Become confused about where they are or about the date, day of the week or season

&#8226;Have trouble with less challenging mental arithmetic; for example, counting backward from 40 by 4s or from 20 by 2s

&#8226;Need help choosing proper clothing for the season or the occasion

&#8226;Usually retain substantial knowledge about themselves and know their own name and the names of their spouse or children

&#8226;Usually require no assistance with eating or using the toilet


Stages of Alzheimer's

i placed my mother in an assisted living facilitiy....monday...this monday...it seems like an eternity...i cant remember the last day i didnt cry...but i digress...

my mother could no longer live alone...yet she insisted on driving...she totalled her car on april 22....i went down and stayed, i left 24 hours..she purchased a new car.  i went down and moved her here.  she was going to kill someone..she is half blind and has a lead foot...we think she may have had a stroke and then wrecked...we have doctors appointments beginning next week...she called me tuesday to tell me how much she enjoyed being kidnapped from her home and place in a the assisted living...that woman has a mean ass mouth...she can get over it...and she will...most days she is unaware of who i am..she think i am her sister.....which cause a bit of a confusion when her sister showed up...but she is falling under the "veil of alzheimer's" as they call it...i went to my first support group...and i plan on going to seminars on this disease...it is truly a disease from hell....you watch a loved one slip away....you realize that when she calls you someone else's name that it is best just to go along with it...she no longer knows me..it was like a switch...day to night...she knows my son, sometimes...and she blames me totally for putting her in the assisted living...which one lady at the support group told me that may never change...

i fully recommend looking into long term care insurance for your parents or yourself.  it is expensive but it has helped me put her into a posh warehouse...

the questions, the paperwork...you need the following....last will....living will...health care form....and durable power of attorney...i am not giving legal advice here..just saying...you need a lot of info..try to gather that before the crisis hits...you need soc sec #, medicare, insurance etc.  maybe you should photo copy all this to a file...that would have been nice...you need all the phone numbers etc...sure i have a file now..but its never where i am.

i have her in a top notch place...however she needs the "special" ward which is full....she is the only female on the waiting  list...so she is in a stage 3 unit....and she is trying to take off..."wandering" is what it is called.  we will discuss that later.  so i have a private nurse there 12 hours a day...8 am to 8 pm..hopefully that wont be for much longer.

so here is my advice to all of yall with aging parents....read the site...watch them...and make plans for it...that is all you can do.

remember:  yes, i knew this was coming....but it came on like an explosion ...there was no...you have time to think this over...i had to make a move and do it fast...that is where my ability as the 'nuts and bolts' person came into play...this is also where i realized how much more should have been done sooner...when she was of sound mind...but that is 20/20 hindsight.....learn from my mistakes....

next chapter:  bonez gets her face cussed off by mother...(i hate doing that third person mal)


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## Meister (May 7, 2010)

Sorry to hear about this, Bones.  You have given people a good lesson from your experience in getting the situation into a managemable position.  Thank you for your input.


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## editec (May 7, 2010)

Stroll you have my sincerest sympathy.

It must be like watching a loved one drifting away on an ice flow.

I hope to GOD if this starts happening to me I have the fortitude to end my life before my son has to go through what you're going through.


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## saveliberty (May 7, 2010)

My grandmother went into a nursing home at age 98.  She wasn't very happy at first and the kids all knew it.  Thing is, she got a lot more social contact with the staff and other residents than at home.  She really enjoyed the social part of the home after a few weeks.  Sometimes when we visited, she would cut us short, because they were having a card game or a meal and she wanted to get there on time.

It wasn't until the last year that mental clarity became an issue.  Now my other grandmother had your mom's troubles.  I think she thought my uncle was coming the next day to get her out until the last.  It was real torture for my mom to see the person she knew stolen away by a degenerating memory.  Finding something they really like and bringing it on visits seemed to help some.  A specific candy bar would help about half the time.

My wife made a photo album that the whole family helped with.  It had many pictures with a descriptive paragraph and it was helpful for everyone.  If I was there, I'd give you a hug.


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## strollingbones (May 7, 2010)

the phone call went okay..she sounded feeble but she wants to go home..told me to think long and hard about taking her home....i have thought long and hard...i would love to go...fuck em mom i will do a drive by at 11...have your mal you want and we will go.....but the deed is done..and she is safe...that is all i can do...i cant make her be happy but i can keep her safe 

they want that dnr...they dont say it ...but you can see it when its mentioned....


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## Angelhair (May 7, 2010)

_So sorry to hear about this happening to your mom and family.  It is a devastating disease - for all concerned.  My heart goes out to you and your family.  I have been there done that and it is hardest on the ones still aware.  The pain will ease; the good memories will live on. May you find strength in your faith._


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## JenyEliza (May 7, 2010)

strollingbones said:


> the phone call went okay..she sounded feeble but she wants to go home..told me to think long and hard about taking her home....i have thought long and hard...i would love to go...fuck em mom i will do a drive by at 11...have your mal you want and we will go.....but the deed is done..and she is safe...that is all i can do...i cant make her be happy but i can keep her safe
> 
> they want that dnr...they dont say it ...but you can see it when its mentioned....



As a surviving grandaughter of a woman with alzheimer's, you've got a LONG way to go before you need to consider a DNR.  That is, unless your mother has other health problems (cancer, heart disease, history of stroke or heart attack).  

Alzheimers takes decades to finally kill its victim.  Fasten your seatbelt, hunny, this is a LONG ride from hell and you'll need to be securely fastened.

Stage 5 isn't even all that bad (looking back in hindsight).  Thank the good Lord my Grandmother was taken home and relieved of this disease by our Heavenly Father.

So sorry for the bad news....but....don't....DONT give in to her.  She will emotionally blackmail you and do everything, including standing on her head naked, to get you to take her home.  THIS is where the support group will be most helpful.  They will help you stand firm in the decisions you know you have to make, but don't want to make.

God bless, bones.  Let me know if I can help!  

*hug*

Jen


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## tommywho70x (May 7, 2010)

you have my sincerest best wishes and prayers for strength in dealing with the frustration and pain of watching your mother's spirit get sucked out of an otherwise healthy body. 

my maternal grandmother and my father's oldest buddy both left by the route your mother has been detoured onto. it was horrible times for many people, not just the immediate family members and suffering that lasted years before the end came.

good luck


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## Foxfyre (May 7, 2010)

Tough duty Bones, and yes, we cry a lot during the long goodbye.  But they have also come so far in knowing how to treat and at least slow the progression of this cruel disease, and they keep learning more and more.  That of course is small comfort to those who deal with it in the here and now.

I've lost a father-in-law and two dear friends to Alzheimers.  Probably my mother-in-law too who was suffering severe dementia the last decade of her life, but was never formally diagnosed with Alzheimers.  So know that there are those who know what you're dealing with.

Most of us are in no position to help other than just stand by and care.

And you are obviously taking the constructive route in seeing that there is much to learn.


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## boedicca (May 7, 2010)

Sorry about your mom, SB.

My grandfather went through a similar transition, including losing his driver's license and needing to go into assisted living.   It was awful.  He thought he was being held captive in a concentration camp and that the nurses were guards.   He'd beg the ones he thought were sympathetic to let him go.   It was a relief to see his suffering end when he passed away from prostate cancer (a recurrence which the family decided not to have treated given his advanced age and mental state).   

I hope the universe starts dabbing some mercy on you soon.


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## strollingbones (May 8, 2010)

well..*beings to shove troubles around on plate*  last night my mother in law called....da man's grandmother who is 101...is dying...she has taken a sudden turn for the worst...so he has packed a couple of bags of guilt and headed east....i wanted to go but he feels like i need to rest more than go back across the state...i wanted to go for moral support.....i think he just wanted to be alone...men suck when they do this....he has been so supportive of me...been there and yet when there is need with him....he goes it alone...

it is a cold rainy day here.....


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## strollingbones (May 8, 2010)

boedicca said:


> Sorry about your mom, SB.
> 
> My grandfather went through a similar transition, including losing his driver's license and needing to go into assisted living.   It was awful.  He thought he was being held captive in a concentration camp and that the nurses were guards.   He'd beg the ones he thought were sympathetic to let him go.   It was a relief to see his suffering end when he passed away from prostate cancer (a recurrence which the family decided not to have treated given his advanced age and mental state).
> 
> I hope the universe starts dabbing some mercy on you soon.



i ran into a friend...her father died about a year ago...she was glad...she told me...it took 2.5 years...she was giving me hope...in her own way....i think

there is an old saying...if everyone in town....put their plate of troubles on the table....you would surely pick up your own plate and go home...


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## Foxfyre (May 8, 2010)

strollingbones said:


> well..*beings to shove troubles around on plate*  last night my mother in law called....da man's grandmother who is 101...is dying...she has taken a sudden turn for the worst...so he has packed a couple of bags of guilt and headed east....i wanted to go but he feels like i need to rest more than go back across the state...i wanted to go for moral support.....i think he just wanted to be alone...men suck when they do this....he has been so supportive of me...been there and yet when there is need with him....he goes it alone...
> 
> it is a cold rainy day here.....



So on top of everything else you feel a little rejected or pushed aside?  I have one of the world's really great guys, but I know what you mean.  I don't know why they do that sometimes, but they all seem to do it sometime or other.   The trick is not to take it too personally I guess.  (You must understand that I give great advice that I find very difficult to take myself sometimes.  )

But we don't have any control really where other people are concerned.  And as for your mom, you'll do what we all do and that's just the best as we can.  One day at a time.  If you look beyond that, you'll make yourself crazy.


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## saveliberty (May 8, 2010)

I feel like I'm suppose to fix problems and be the stable one.  Kind of hard to do that when things get out of your control.  I get quiet and go off by myself.  By the way, we know the wife cares.


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## Foxfyre (May 8, 2010)

saveliberty said:


> I feel like I'm suppose to fix problems and be the stable one.  Kind of hard to do that when things get out of your control.  I get quiet and go off by myself.  By the way, we know the wife cares.



Thanks Save.  I appreciate that.


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## strollingbones (May 10, 2010)

mother's day did not go well....for 45 min.  my mother begged me to take her home...and told me she hated the hell hole i had put her in..and she didnt belong there...she is threatening to kill herself ..by jumping out the window...i now know why all these types of places are one floor...she had me in tears the whole time...but i never waived...she ask me if i had given her stuff away...etc...she wanted to know where her new car is...i told her in my yard..and we were not driving it...when i mentioned concerns over her memory..she simply glossed over it..with "that doesnt matter"...she doesnt see why she cant return home...and at one point....i was ready to simply take her home...just to stop her from begging me...then when that didnt work she got mad...real fucking mad...she began to hit at me....when i tried to touch her...she wouldnt let me hug her or anything...we did manage to have lunch...i noticed that even when she is mad the people at the alf...(assisted living facitlitie) could manage her...by simply telling her it was time for lunch....she thinks the private nurse is someone working there...she called last night and wanted to know if i was coming to take her home tomorrow...
i told her my son was coming to see her to take her walking...he is trying so hard to fill in the gaps where i cant....

that is part of it...i feel like i am destroying my own family...neither my son or i have been able to work...we still have so much to do with her...we need to close her house....

i am going to be able to return the new car ..either trade it or get my money back....the ownere of the car place...is a childhood friend...all our parents were friends...his mother is suffering from alzheimer's too.

alt is insisting we do things...even if i am totally out of it...she had me and da man to dinner....we didnt eat...we had eaten...i told her that...but she insisted we come...for some reason..she thinks we all need to get tats...

i think the utter helplessness that i see in people's eyes is killing me....da man has that look....that....if i could just kill something and make this better but i cant....he sits with me...pats me...holds me....tells me over and over again that he is here...he is ready to do the 100% while i do 0% to maintain what we have...he tells me over and over that he will be here....i am downright abusive to him...

everyone wants to do what i need.....i know two types of people now.....the ones who have never had anyone with this disease and the ones that have....the ones who have never had...are sympathic and clucking...its hard to do the right thing etc...you are amazing...blah blah fucking blah....the ones who have.....have you done a dnr?  look my father died in 30 months...and i was glad...i cried less the day my mother died than the day i put her in here....when she stops swallowing...dont put in a feeding tube...just dont...if you are lucky the renal disease will work fast....now this continue as i am sobbing like a child...these are not cruel people...these are people who loved their folks....i hear statements like....i could have lived with him starving to death had i know what the feeding tube was like

whispered words...harsh and quick....quick exchanges in the grocery...a hug...i heard...whispered in your ear....do the dnr...do it now.  make sure if your mother dies...you are free....dont let them bring her back...even the sharp gasps of shock do not stop them...they continue as on a mission.....a mission to make you see...to make you see what they didnt....as if their sins and guilt will be cleared if they can keep you from doing the same thing....that somehow ..they can make the idea of starving your mother to death...appealing.


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## saveliberty (May 10, 2010)

People are trying to make something good out of a bad thing that happened to them.  You will feel compelled to do the same some day.


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## Foxfyre (May 10, 2010)

Bones, of all the stress, frustrations, fears, and uncertainty of the best thing to do, mixed in with the grief and anger that this is happening at all. . . .

. . . .one of the toughest aspects is the guilt trip our loved ones heap on us because they are incapable of understanding or appreciating what we do.  It hurts beyond belief to have your dearest love one accuse you of cruelty, insensitivity, and worse.  It hurts to have them look at you with hate and recrmination and loathing, almost as much as it hurts to hear them plead and beg for relief from their own suffering and have to tell them no.

And of course there is the real guilt trip and self doubts.  Am I really doing the right thing?  Am I being selfish by not being willing to set aside my life and care for him/her on his/her terms?

The only way we get through that part is by looking at what we expect of our own children, and that as much as we care and want to make it better, we serve no one well by suspending our lives in these cases.  And it is small comfort, but even if you did, they would still be incapable of understanding or appreciating what we do.


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## Luissa (May 10, 2010)

I took care of people with dementia and alzheimers, and have taken a few classes on it. I will try to find info on this one lady who does speeches on how to deal with family members with the disease.

My biggest advice is don't take it personal when they get angry with you.
And this might seem heartless, but I hated watching people think their parent would get better. Once they stage, they will never return to what they were before.
It is hard to watch the disease progress, but just always be there for them. And don't let them put your mom on a whole bunch of prescriptions.


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## Luissa (May 10, 2010)

Reading some stuff by this lady might help. Her name is Teepa Snow, and when I went through my training, her videos and seeing her speak helped a lot. 

'Why do they do that?': Alzheimer's expert Teepa Snow educates caregivers about interacting with dementia patients | Salisbury, NC - Salisbury Post


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## Big Fitz (May 10, 2010)

Bones, you have my utmost sympathy on this.  I've lived through one grandfather die from this horrible disease and another start descending into it before she passed.  I've seen what torture it was on my parents and pray that what is to come is swift to save everyone in your family and friends close to her pain, or some miracle found to grant her some return to who she was when you knew her best.

I don't know how to better describe my sympathy for you and yours in going through this horrible disease together.


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## PatekPhilippe (May 10, 2010)

strollingbones said:


> mother's day did not go well....for 45 min.  my mother begged me to take her home...and told me she hated the hell hole i had put her in..and she didnt belong there...she is threatening to kill herself ..by jumping out the window...i now know why all these types of places are one floor...she had me in tears the whole time...but i never waived...she ask me if i had given her stuff away...etc...she wanted to know where her new car is...i told her in my yard..and we were not driving it...when i mentioned concerns over her memory..she simply glossed over it..with "that doesnt matter"...she doesnt see why she cant return home...and at one point....i was ready to simply take her home...just to stop her from begging me...then when that didnt work she got mad...real fucking mad...she began to hit at me....when i tried to touch her...she wouldnt let me hug her or anything...we did manage to have lunch...i noticed that even when she is mad the people at the alf...(assisted living facitlitie) could manage her...by simply telling her it was time for lunch....she thinks the private nurse is someone working there...she called last night and wanted to know if i was coming to take her home tomorrow...
> i told her my son was coming to see her to take her walking...he is trying so hard to fill in the gaps where i cant....
> 
> that is part of it...i feel like i am destroying my own family...neither my son or i have been able to work...we still have so much to do with her...we need to close her house....
> ...



bones...we are all given trials in life by powers that are beyond our comprehension.  It's how we carry ourselves through these tests that determines what kind of person we are.  I know that you love your mom very much...to see her like this is devastating to say the least.  Sometimes there will be unexpected moments of complete lucidity...during these times is when you should express your love for her and comfort her as best you can...but knowing you, you are already doing this.  There will come a time when you will be faced with a decision of monumental proportions related to this.  The sum of your experiences and your compassion will aid you in this process.  Alzheimers is a terrible thing and no human being should have to suffer like that.  Keep the good memories you all shared as fresh as you can in your own mind.  I would even go as far as writing them down in a journal so you can read it from time to time.


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## strollingbones (May 12, 2010)

this is my journal....

sooooooooo i dreaded yesterday....doctors appointment ...new doctor etc....by 2 oclock i was sick to my stomach...not sure how to do this...my son has visited her that morning and told me....to expect it to be bad...he had a good visit with her...but she was saying things very negative about me....i am glad she is hating on me..and not my son.  the alf transports patients to the doctor and he comes in once a week to the alf.  so i go in a few minutes early and get seated...wondering how angry she will be when she sees me....a few mins. later her and the aid come in....she sits in the chair next to me...smiles at me...turns back to the aid and begins to talk...she had no clue who i was....

now they tell me...make it easy...dont do anything to agitate or upset her....so i dont.  i call the aid into the hall and tell her i will stay out of it...just get the visit done etc....

well an hour and 10 mins later they come out...mom smiles at me....begins talking to aid about how nice the doctor was...i go in and talk to doctor....i told him how guilty i was feeling...he smiled...said..."your mother can live alone, just not for long"  he said her memory is worth about 2 mins.  i told him i felt like a coward for not letting my mother know who i was...he smiled...said nothing cowardly do it and it doesnt matter how i feel...it matters how i get her thru what needs to be done without upsetting her.

then he told me his story...his mother for some reason knew him..always did...never knew his older brother...he goes on about how its not about how much she loved them...its the cruelness of the disease.  then he drops the bomb....dont go see her for a month.....i am like..what...what the hell did you just say...he repeats it...a month...they need to force her into a new routine and you are upsetting her.

now get this..she is telling the aids..that i dont love her...she is going negative fast....and my son is still her golden boy....so i can live with that....

amazingly after the doctor said that she couldnt live alone....the guilt was gone...i am doing what is best for my mom...that is all i can do....she can hate me for it...my shoulders are kinda big....well not that big...da man went with me yesterday....and i only cried a little.


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## Barb (May 12, 2010)

Foxfyre said:


> strollingbones said:
> 
> 
> > well..*beings to shove troubles around on plate*  last night my mother in law called....da man's grandmother who is 101...is dying...she has taken a sudden turn for the worst...so he has packed a couple of bags of guilt and headed east....i wanted to go but he feels like i need to rest more than go back across the state...i wanted to go for moral support.....i think he just wanted to be alone...men suck when they do this....he has been so supportive of me...been there and yet when there is need with him....he goes it alone...
> ...



Well, solitary types are solitary. You two could form a support group with my old man. He tells me to stop being such a man...but sometimes its easier to deal with trouble without having to put on a brave face, and if you're the one who fixes, a brave face seems mandatory even if its not. Let them wrestle their demons, then come home to you for rest and peace. It isn't that they don't appreciate you, I appreciate mine, but the storms are sometimes more completely put away with a grief and rage we don't have to regret later.


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## Barb (May 12, 2010)

strollingbones said:


> this is my journal....
> 
> sooooooooo i dreaded yesterday....doctors appointment ...new doctor etc....by 2 oclock i was sick to my stomach...not sure how to do this...my son has visited her that morning and told me....to expect it to be bad...he had a good visit with her...but she was saying things very negative about me....i am glad she is hating on me..and not my son.  the alf transports patients to the doctor and he comes in once a week to the alf.  so i go in a few minutes early and get seated...wondering how angry she will be when she sees me....a few mins. later her and the aid come in....she sits in the chair next to me...smiles at me...turns back to the aid and begins to talk...she had no clue who i was....
> 
> ...



I think the doctor's advice about the month will do three things. You need a break from the guilt, she needs to adjust to the routine, and by then she may forget she's mad at you and you might not be assaulted with the guilt anymore. I worked in a nursing home, and on the dementia unit. I also did home care for a few years, and worked in a hospital. The most striking thing I witnessed was the toll any illness, but especially ones involving dementia took on the family caregivers. You need to be kind to yourself. If you don't, you'll die before she does.


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## saveliberty (May 12, 2010)

Thank you for sharing a part of your life with us strollingbones.


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## trams (May 12, 2010)

Bones, My mom went throught the same thing. When my sister put her in the home, they told her the same thing. It was hard but mom was getting violent at times. Good thoughts and wishes to you.


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## Angelhair (May 12, 2010)

_I pray and pray and pray that someone somewhere will come up with a cure for this horrific disease!!! Dear God I pray - make it soon!!_


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## JenyEliza (May 12, 2010)

*hugs* to ya bones.  Wish I could fix this for you, but seems the advice the new Doc gave you is sound.  I'm sure it seems weird not to see your Mom for a month, but it makes sense.  We did that too with my grandmother and she completely forgot she was mad about "being put away like the laundry" (she said that with a REALLY MEAN tone....closest thing to TRUE HATE I've ever seen).  

Totally and completely forgot _*WHO to be mad at*_ and by the time my Uncles went to see G-Mom, she was so excited to see them (had no clue who they were, just knew they were important people to her, she even called them "the important men") and she wanted them to "meet all my friends".....she settled in good in about a months time.  Your mom will too.  Eventually.

Sending good thoughts your way.


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## JenyEliza (May 12, 2010)

Angelhair said:


> _I pray and pray and pray that someone somewhere will come up with a cure for this horrific disease!!! Dear God I pray - make it soon!!_



AMEN!  

Right along with Cancer and other diseases that can destroy whole families.


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## Big Fitz (May 12, 2010)

strollingbones said:


> this is my journal....
> 
> sooooooooo i dreaded yesterday....doctors appointment ...new doctor etc....by 2 oclock i was sick to my stomach...not sure how to do this...my son has visited her that morning and told me....to expect it to be bad...he had a good visit with her...but she was saying things very negative about me....i am glad she is hating on me..and not my son.  the alf transports patients to the doctor and he comes in once a week to the alf.  so i go in a few minutes early and get seated...wondering how angry she will be when she sees me....a few mins. later her and the aid come in....she sits in the chair next to me...smiles at me...turns back to the aid and begins to talk...she had no clue who i was....
> 
> ...


Well God has given a small favor it seems towards your son.  My last experience with my grandfather alive, he was terrified of me.  Didn't know who I was and thought I was going to harm him.  I was 17 or so.  I lasted about 5 minutes before I excused myself went to the car and waited.  When my parents came out I told them this was the last time I was going to visit.  The man I loved was no longer there and I can't go through that again.

I understand your worry and dread bones.  I watched my mother go for years from good days to bad taking my grandmother with her to visit him and saw the toll it took.  Be strong and know there will be good days too.  Take those gems and hold them close to your heart.  

May I also make a quick recommendation as well?  It was my experience that the longer it goes, the better their very long term memories seem to be, and you can learn some very interesting, things about their lives when they were young.  Be ready to either record or write down what they have to say from posterity.  Of course, if you have ways to confirm these things, that'd be wise too.  But, it's another way to at least gain something worth remembering once it is over for you and your children.

stay strong and know that Her love that she has shown is not gone, only hidden behind the clouds and mountains of this horrific disease.  Enjoy when it peaks through.


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## AquaAthena (May 12, 2010)

Strollingbones, I am deeply sorry for the sadness and pain you and your Mom, are struggling with as you each try to cope with this debilitating condition.

Aqua*


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## Foxfyre (May 12, 2010)

It is possible, once we are able to put things into some perspective, to have a sense of humor and that does help get you through it.

Hubby's dad would never wear his upper false teeth much and wouldn't wear the lower plate at all.  The residents were permitted to visit each other's rooms and wander about the halls and we were amazed that Dad did that a lot even though he had moved about as little as possible before he went to the nursing home.

Then one morning his daugher arrived for a visit.  It was one of the mornings he recognized her and he greeted her with a big grin and a whole mouthful of teeth.  Not his of course.  He had spotted some in another resident's room and appropriated them.

He has been gone for a long time now, but we still chuckle over things like that.  You usually do remember the good times more than the bad.


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## strollingbones (May 13, 2010)

today went well...i was only going to go in for a few minutes...she doesnt like the aid with her...so she wanted to go for a walk....without thinking i just took her to the car and took her to a popular pathway....i didnt sign her out....but it went well...da man was sitting in the car waiting and he just kinda trailed up on the path...all was well till we went back..she started to buck a wee bit...but she went back...she is now demanding her car and her car keys...cause she is going to a high school reunion in sylva...3 hours away...i am in the process of selling the car back to the dealer..at a lose but i need that money in her account not sitting in my yard....my car flipped to 2 hundred thousand today...she complained about how nasty my car was...and told me to clean it up if i expected her to ride in it....(that is vintage mom)  she is too blind to figure out the bumperstickers...then demanded her car back...her white car....*its silver*  now next step the stack of papers that i need signed....

but she was happy and seemed very well...she looked good....i keep telling her she has lost weight...and i think she has...aids are complaining that she walks fast...i bet she wears their asses out....i ask her how she liked her new chair..she replied she never got to sit in it..that the aid does....(bingo that is what the problem is)  another chair is being delivered tomorrow.  i have gotten in with a small family owned furniture place..she gives me the living and breathing discount...delivers the next day....the first time it was a 35 buck fee for delivery...today it was a 25 buck fee...they remove all the price tags and her son takes the chair and for some reason my mom just loves him and hugs him...they are kind and understanding....

so i take her back to her room...she isnt happy but not crying nor threatening to jump out the window...here is the sense of humor...we all look at the window and smile at each other...we just dont think the 4 ft drop will hurt her...she is not hitting me..she aint hugging on me...either but i am telling her i love her...she is slamming the door in my face...telling me to get her car, now.  i am tell her i still love her...i hear a rather mad...okay...but i was so damned happy to get the okay...it beat the hell out of  the "not enough" reply i heard all mothers day.

i am begining to have a little more confidence in this facility...seems these experts do know what they are talking about.   i just cant stay away for a month....

let me explain something....you would think it would be a relief..she doesnt know me..fuck it...i will just mail the check and be done with it....i have talked to my mother everyday for maybe the last 20 years...never a day goes by that i dont call her..if she was pissed she might not answer...and to be honest i didnt worry when she didnt answer....i would just have the police go by and that would piss her off again ....she did get upset and refuse to talk to anyone on the phone for a week...that was a bizarro thing...i have not talked to my mother but three times since may 1.  once on the phone..i didnt talk to her..she cursed the answering machine...2nd time..mothers day...45 min of ..i am gonna kill myself take me home....if you love me enough you would ...guilt hammer going....and then today...
as much as my mother needs me..right now...i still need her..she still laughs...when we are crossing the parking lot to go back in and she has began to whine..she begins to pass gass..loudly...i am telling her we best hurry and get back in....before her farts overcome everyone....she laughed and hit me...not hard...joking, i think.

so today is a good day...my son is 28 this year..he is a man.  he has stepped up and taken a man's role.  i cannot fault him at all.  he has shown a compassion i didnt know about....i am very proud of him.
he may be a climbing guide bum but he is a compassionate and thoughtful man.

he also has my credit card, i am not sure how that happened.  i remember him giving it back...i am not sure how it went back to him...


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## strollingbones (May 13, 2010)

o and the nurses..werent happy with me...i didnt sign her out...they dont say much...i did go tell them i was sorry....i forgot....they just shake their heads...and go....be sure and sign yourself out...i realize that they have to track the patients and a missing patients is just what they dont want and they sure dont want a missing patient who isnt missing but someone just forgot to sign them out....amazing what she said with just a shake of the head.  but in all fairness they do have monitors etc.  still got that look of disapproval


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## MaggieMae (May 13, 2010)

strollingbones said:


> Stage 5:
> Moderately severe cognitive decline
> (Moderate or mid-stage Alzheimer's disease)
> 
> ...



Bones -- you have my sincere sympathy when dealing with a mother you love and who can no longer return that love. There's a book called "Elder Rage" which will help you immensely to understand that it's just a "normal" part of the terrible disease.


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## MaggieMae (May 13, 2010)

strollingbones said:


> this is my journal....
> 
> sooooooooo i dreaded yesterday....doctors appointment ...new doctor etc....by 2 oclock i was sick to my stomach...not sure how to do this...my son has visited her that morning and told me....to expect it to be bad...he had a good visit with her...but she was saying things very negative about me....i am glad she is hating on me..and not my son.  the alf transports patients to the doctor and he comes in once a week to the alf.  so i go in a few minutes early and get seated...wondering how angry she will be when she sees me....a few mins. later her and the aid come in....she sits in the chair next to me...smiles at me...turns back to the aid and begins to talk...she had no clue who i was....
> 
> ...



Keep up the journal! It's the best medicine for *YOU!*


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## strollingbones (May 14, 2010)

i ordered ...the 36 hour day...i read everything i can find on it and become more confused....now plaque isnt the enemy or cause but perhaps a protector....back to square one on that...eh?

my son goes to see her today..he tells me she was out and about...i was overjoyed...with that news....he goes..."she was at the nurse's station wanting stamps"...puzzled.. i ask...."stamps, why?"
he laughs..." she is writing jams to come get her and telling the bank to remove your name from her accounts"...he begins to laugh....she told him not to tell me...the suits have made it clear...its a joint account....she cant remove your name without your permission....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh o and the mail began to arrive today...tons of it....man the insurance people are getting fucking pissy....i told them to chill...it would get done..but not today....fuck i am buger kid or fed ex...you aint getting it your way and you sure the hell aint getting it overnight....i told one prick since they didnt begin paying for 180 days...look to me like i had a 179 days to get my mal together....you know they really like to close these claims out fast on cars...she totaled in on 4/22/10 and the claim is still open....and they want a report on the wreck....this is gonna be good...all she knows is the car pulled out in front of her and she hit it..and that policemen would not believe her and gave her a ticket.  i am already dealing with the salvage side..they just want the title....i overnight the title to their address...and they overnight a check back...so i cant figure out what these claims adjusters want....o paper work for their paper trails....


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## AllieBaba (May 14, 2010)

strollingbones said:


> the phone call went okay..she sounded feeble but she wants to go home..told me to think long and hard about taking her home....i have thought long and hard...i would love to go...fuck em mom i will do a drive by at 11...have your mal you want and we will go.....but the deed is done..and she is safe...that is all i can do...i cant make her be happy but i can keep her safe
> 
> they want that dnr...they dont say it ...but you can see it when its mentioned....



Don't be pressured into signing a dnr.
I'd think that would be something your mother should have a say in.


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## strollingbones (May 14, 2010)

mom has a health care thing....no feeding tube...etc...no life support....i really cant discuss a dnr with her...i just cant

its way too early for that.


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## Zoom-boing (May 14, 2010)

Someone sent me this via email . . . . .


People come into your life for a reason, a season or a  lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person . . . 

When someone is in  your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a  need you have expressed.

They  have come to assist you through a difficulty, to  provide you with guidance and  support.

To aid you physically,  emotionally or spiritually.

They  may seem like a godsend and they  are.

They are there for the reason  you need them to be.

Then, without  any wrongdoing on your part or at an  inconvenient time,

This person will  say or do something to bring the relationship to  an end.

Sometimes they die.  Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes  they act up and force you to take a  stand.

What we must realize is that  our need has been met, our desire fulfilled,  their work is done.

The prayer you  sent up has been answered and now it is time to  move on.


Some  people come into your life for a SEASON, because  your turn has come to share, grow or  learn.

They bring you an experience  of peace or make you laugh.

They  may teach you something you have never  done.

They usually give you an  unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe  it, it is real. But only for a  season.


LIFETIME  relationships teach you lifetime  lessons,

Things you must build upon  in order to have a solid  emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your  life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.


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## strollingbones (May 15, 2010)

well i had hoped to get out of this ....esp this weekend but i have to go back to her house...sell her car and remove more of her belongings....i will leave sometime today. again....its gonna be hard to do...packing up more of her house...my agenda...leave sometime today....go down and begin packing ...get uhaul tomorrow...load uhaul...return tomorrow....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

major reason:  the dealer tags expire soon....

all i want to do is sleep some more


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## JenyEliza (May 15, 2010)

bones....what kind of car you selling?  Reason I ask is I totaled my car in an accident about 6 weeks ago and now that my arm is out of the cast, I'm ready to drive again (just got my rental car yesterday).  

I might be interested in coming up for a look-see when I bring the twinlets to their grandmas in Maggie Valley.


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## JenyEliza (May 15, 2010)

strollingbones said:


> mom has a health care thing....no feeding tube...etc...no life support....i really cant discuss a dnr with her...i just cant
> 
> its way too early for that.




Yes it IS.  

Are the people in her facility pushing you hard on this?  If they are, you get in their faces next time and tell them to back the fuck off....it ain't time.

THEY should know better---THEY should know that your mother's deterioration is going to tbe the LONG good-bye and you aren't anywhere near the end.  You're just beginning.

Tell 'em to fuck off and DON"T ASK AGAIN--the next time they ask for a DNR.


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## strollingbones (May 15, 2010)

o the car thing is a done deal...i am returning it ...i should not be here...i should be on the road....i am not...i am just kinda paralized by the indecisions.....of my life..i dont want to do any of this..i dont want to remove more things from her house...i dont want to sell her car....i could just keep it but i need to put the money back in her account....she needs the money more than she needs the car she cant drive...oddly enough the one thing i dont want to do...is spend the night in that house...i will simply pack all night....i wont sleep...it has simply become a tomb of guilt for me...da man is just looking at me...ever now and then....knowing i wont move till he makes me...and knowing he wont make me...for a while...he just keeps saying...it has to be done...i am really sick of everyone telling me that its okay cause it has to be done....i need to sell the house..that is just gonna be a nightmare....the housing maket is so depressed there...clark is sprawled in my lap....not wanting me to move ....at least he and i are in agreement...

i get so pissed sometimes...if she had only been reasonable....and all....i know its not her...i know that..i know she will never live alone or drive again....but damn i feel like each step i take is a stab in her heart....even is she doesnt remember it in 20 mins...funny she can fixate on things...


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## saveliberty (May 15, 2010)

I feel your pain.  Tired this morning from trying to come up with squirrel names last night.  lol


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## Foxfyre (May 15, 2010)

strollingbones said:


> o the car thing is a done deal...i am returning it ...i should not be here...i should be on the road....i am not...i am just kinda paralized by the indecisions.....of my life..i dont want to do any of this..i dont want to remove more things from her house...i dont want to sell her car....i could just keep it but i need to put the money back in her account....she needs the money more than she needs the car she cant drive...oddly enough the one thing i dont want to do...is spend the night in that house...i will simply pack all night....i wont sleep...it has simply become a tomb of guilt for me...da man is just looking at me...ever now and then....knowing i wont move till he makes me...and knowing he wont make me...for a while...he just keeps saying...it has to be done...i am really sick of everyone telling me that its okay cause it has to be done....i need to sell the house..that is just gonna be a nightmare....the housing maket is so depressed there...clark is sprawled in my lap....not wanting me to move ....at least he and i are in agreement...
> 
> i get so pissed sometimes...if she had only been reasonable....and all....i know its not her...i know that..i know she will never live alone or drive again....but damn i feel like each step i take is a stab in her heart....even is she doesnt remember it in 20 mins...funny she can fixate on things...



Probably won't help, but the guilt is okay.  You're going to have it and nobody will be able to talk you out of it.

Even after my mom passed I would dream sometimes that she was back, alive, and ready to go home.  And there was no home.  It had been sold; her favorite things dispersed among the family.  I would wake up anxious, distressed, wanting to cry.   The relief came.  And it will for you too.  Eventually after a period of slowly subsiding bad feelings.


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## strollingbones (May 17, 2010)

Foxfyre said:


> strollingbones said:
> 
> 
> > o the car thing is a done deal...i am returning it ...i should not be here...i should be on the road....i am not...i am just kinda paralized by the indecisions.....of my life..i dont want to do any of this..i dont want to remove more things from her house...i dont want to sell her car....i could just keep it but i need to put the money back in her account....she needs the money more than she needs the car she cant drive...oddly enough the one thing i dont want to do...is spend the night in that house...i will simply pack all night....i wont sleep...it has simply become a tomb of guilt for me...da man is just looking at me...ever now and then....knowing i wont move till he makes me...and knowing he wont make me...for a while...he just keeps saying...it has to be done...i am really sick of everyone telling me that its okay cause it has to be done....i need to sell the house..that is just gonna be a nightmare....the housing maket is so depressed there...clark is sprawled in my lap....not wanting me to move ....at least he and i are in agreement...
> ...



i hope you are right....on the way down east to sell her car..she calls....i have the house phone forwarded now to my cell when i leave...

but yea liquidate is the key word it does seem...when i mumble i cant do this....i am told by a suit...i can do it and i will...

but now i am getting emails...why did i do this...blah blah and you got to love this one...can her sister and brother take her to ok for a week?


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## saveliberty (May 17, 2010)

The up side is she remembers siblings.  She has them, right?


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## strollingbones (May 19, 2010)

ahhhhh yesterday the health care agency providing the private nurses called.....

the woman who has not tossed out a thing in 30 years....trashed their files....seems the time cards were being left in a folder in her room....o bad idea...she trashed them all....

i burst out laughing and couldnt stop.....


i got to sign them now every tuesday

and the suits called wanting decisions on this and that.....damn they are pushy....

but today....i told them...boys go fuck yourselves....mom is safe....that was my goal..i dont care if the house is empty blah blah blah....well apparently they dont get told to go fuck themselves much....great silence....great silence...then they take another run at me....i told him to go fuck himself..and hanged up the phone....i felt the best i have in weeks....


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## strollingbones (May 19, 2010)

and yes i realize i have to call tomorrow and make nice...but damn it feels good today....


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## strollingbones (May 19, 2010)

i will admit to really liking one of the attorneys....lol....but he isnt like the rest...he isnt always pushing me...and he doesnt talk high brow...he calls me 'girl' lol

the rest look like they are gonna explode or piss on themselves every time i say fuck.


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## saveliberty (May 19, 2010)

They bill by the phone call.  Just saying.  The silence was them trying to decide when and where to do the deed.  Attorneys all know how to screw themselves.


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## PatekPhilippe (May 19, 2010)

bones...do the Dr.s have your mom on any acetylcholinesterase inhibitors (i.e. donepezil) or NMDA receptor antagonists?  These drugs could forestall any further degredation of her condition...but not prevent it.


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## midcan5 (May 20, 2010)

Tough, tough situation. Our mom is approaching 90 and while her mind is fine her body is weak after carrying so many children and life's toll. But home is where the heart is, and while she drives my sisters crazy - more crazy than the boys - she wants to be home. Daily mass on TV and her occasional friends stopping in, is all she needs to make her happy. I sympathize, we live so much longer today, but mom is ready to die, she has a 'do not resuscitate,' and she tells the Medicare docs no more tests, no more money spent, time to move on.


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## Claudette (May 20, 2010)

My sympathies to you bones. 

My Mother, who passed in 2003, was a peach. Believe me. They broke the mold when she was born. 

She spend the last years of her life suffering from alzheimers. 

I would not wish this disease on my worst enemy. Its a heartbreaker.


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## strollingbones (May 20, 2010)

today was a brief visit...to take her stamps and all...so she can write everyone and tell them what i have done to her...she is planning on going to live with her sister if i will let her....that did break my heart....she is much better with the balanced diet and regulated meds.....so much better that at times it just seems like she would be okay living alone...*this is where the big cosmic hand smacks me on the back of the head and tells me to shut the fuck up*  but she would be back to driving etc... o and add the fact that she is willing to live with anyone but me....nice mom....real nice.....but i digress....so today is a good day....so far...

funny i still cried all the way home....its tough doing what the doctor and them say....but it does seem to be working...i am kinda surprised at the changes ....i now have to keep a cell phone with me...i forward the home phone to the chell phone...so i am always tied to a phone...which is ironic considering one of my re accuring nightmares is about phones....

and damn the paperwork....and now i am dealing with her mail too....odd how you develop little defense things....i wont drive up the drive way till i have read all the mail...or i will sit in the car and read it...i wont bring it in and read it...i can see things trying to return to 'normal'  not that i am claiming that it ever was that but the people watching me 24/7 have stopped...da man is back at what he does...kidlet is back at what he does...alt is back at what she does...

now if i could just catch up on this house....nicey nash where are you?


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## strollingbones (May 20, 2010)

but mom is safe...and as well as she can be....slowly but surely the plan is coming together...o hell...i got no plan...we all know that...for the last 20 or so dazes.....


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## Foxfyre (May 20, 2010)

A loved one got hooked on pain meda in the hospital and followup rehab post hip replacement.  She has been hooked on these prescription meds for a very long time now, will almost be phased off them, and then is right back getting and taking as many as she can beg, borrow, steal, or coerce from medical personnel.

This last go round was especially rough on the lone daughter in the east who had to cope with it for the last accident and surgery happened there.  Almost every day that went by, the daughter heard her mother accuse her of all sorts of unkindness for not being with her every minute, for forcing her into a rehab/nursing home rather than taking her home and tending to her there, and as often or not she should angrily say that she would be so glad to get back to her 'real' family who loved her and cared about her in New Mexico.'

All these statements hit the daughter like physical blows.  She did take advice to get to a 12-step group for support and reports that this has helped enormously.

Now that the loved one is back in New Mexico she is more or less 'dried out' for now, but it is inevitable that another shoe will drop sooner or later.  Meanwhile, however, the eastern daughter is now a saint who can do no wrong--she hasn't been told that of course, but that is what is being reported about here--while the local children are selfish and neglectful.

I don't know if that might help to feel more normal.  I hope it will.


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## actsnoblemartin (May 20, 2010)

Strolling my prayers are with you and your family

God Bless you and your mother

amen



strollingbones said:


> Stage 5:
> Moderately severe cognitive decline
> (Moderate or mid-stage Alzheimer's disease)
> 
> ...


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## strollingbones (May 24, 2010)

well yesterday went okay....on a scale of 1 to 10....a 5.....she still aint happy with me..and wants to go home....but i did not cry, yesterday.  a first since this whole thing started...maybe i have no tears left or simply the hopelessness of all this....still hasnt hit me...that is the one thing the more you learn about this disease ...the more hopeless you realize it all is.....they tell you....you cant look at the long range things...cause they are hopeless that you have to take it minute by minute...have you ever tried to have a conversation minute to minute....today i have to try to get some doctors appts.....i dont think we have a kidney specialist here.....i hope one comes in from down the mountain...

o and i think those piss ant lawyers...mailed me mal that only lawyers can understand.....i think they did this on purpose...fuck 'em i will google every damned word lol


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## strollingbones (May 24, 2010)

i waz posting on granny's thread on family history when i realized something...she has hidden the family photo album and the family bible... not granny but my mom....that is what was missing off the coffee table...i knew something was odd when i was dusting but couldnt figure out what...she started accusing me of taking photos from the family album years ago...even after i found all the photos.. and showed her where they were....they had come loose and been planted in a folder in the back....now where the devil has she put that stuff?


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## Madeline (May 24, 2010)

strollingbones said:


> Stage 5:
> Moderately severe cognitive decline
> (Moderate or mid-stage Alzheimer's disease)
> 
> ...



My folks are gone, and have been for many years.  I used to feel sad because of that until the parents of my friends began deteriorating.  One had a father die as he drove headfirst into a tree.  Another lost a grandchild, but not her daughter, as an 80+ year old man plowed into them whilst they crossed the street -- during the day, in a crosswalk.

Of all the horrors that may lie ahead, Alzheimer's Disease is the worst.  The body lives but the mind is gone, and the patient torments his own family.  If you are trying to cope with a patient like this and have inadequate insurance, you might get assistance from your state or local Department of Aging.

strollingbones, Cleveland Clinic has done some ground breaking work on these diseases.  If ever I can assist in any way, please drop me a note.  That goes for all of you here, even if we have argued.  Cleveland Clinic just opened a new Brain Center in Las Vegas.

You do not have to bring your family member to Cleveland or Las Vegas to benefit.   You also do not have to contact me or anyone else local to benefit from their work.  But if you do, I am sure any Clevelander on USMB, myself included, would help make your visit as productive and comfortable as possible.

Cleveland Clinic marks completion of Las Vegas brain center | cleveland.com


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## PatekPhilippe (May 25, 2010)

PatekPhilippe said:


> bones...do the Dr.s have your mom on any acetylcholinesterase inhibitors (i.e. donepezil) or NMDA receptor antagonists?  These drugs could forestall any further degredation of her condition...but not prevent it.



???


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## strollingbones (May 25, 2010)

she is on arocept....ms.....she was on the patch for a while...none of it has worked...thanks maddie...i wont be dragging her off to do things....that was one thing we discussed at the support meeting....one lady admitted to having her mother tested for everything...it was still alzheimer's....

she is healthy as a horse....except for the kidney thing....i found a kidney guy...the referral should have gone through yesterday...so i can make the appointment today...

in the last month i have worked 2 days....

today i will go see her..then go see the home care people and sign timecards....its 5 in the morning.....

and i feel like the day is already packed....and its really not....i guess its just packed with dread


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## Anguille (May 25, 2010)

Added to the problems anyone who has a family member suffering from Alzheimer's must deal with, is the fear that others in the family, including one's self, will succumb to the disease in the future.


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## strollingbones (May 25, 2010)

ahh thanks there ang...i needed that...


*falls face down on keyboard*


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## Anguille (May 25, 2010)

Sorry, bones!!!


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## strollingbones (May 25, 2010)

no worries..you are right....when i forget something now...a whole new wave of emotions rolls over me...i just dont have this transport thing....where they take her to the doctor and all downpat...

ooooooooooo did i mention this...she is plotting her escape...hell i will give her this ...its a pretty damn good plan....

she takes  a cab to an apple cart...rides the apple cart to w/s..then rides a greyhound home....

minor flaw....no one is letting her call or take a cab at the assisted living thing....but hell its a good workable plan....that is what amazes me...she had to watch the local info channel to find out about the applecart and she apparently can hold this in her memory...

of course she still tosses the aids out in the morning...she opens the door...tells them..."get the fuck out of my room" the aid will leave for about 10 minutes or changer her hair and go back...my mom will then tell the aid...."boy am i glad to see you...that bitch just left"....

her brothers think cause she can write letters begging to go home, she must not be that bad...well listen up you dumb mother fuckers...she is better now....she is not self medicating...she is eating okay and all....she is gonna get the medical treatment she needs....so i dont need you pricks 2nd guessing me...on this....cause if she leaves she will die quickly....and sure you can talk to the doctors...but where were you the weekend i ask you to come up and see her.....blah blah blah fucking hate this sibling mal blah blah blah


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## PatekPhilippe (May 25, 2010)

Can you ask her doctor about these other drugs and if she has difficulty affording them, if there are any programs that will provide the medications for free or reduced cost?


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## strollingbones (May 25, 2010)

did i mention my mother curses like a sailor?


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## strollingbones (May 25, 2010)

yes i will ask...but i will not get my hopes up either....she is in this transit stage i guess...where she has some clarity but then goes totally off at times...


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## PatekPhilippe (May 25, 2010)

strollingbones said:


> yes i will ask...but i will not get my hopes up either....she is in this transit stage i guess...where she has some clarity but then goes totally off at times...



The drugs I mentioned do help slow down the onset of successive stages....I don't know if that's good or bad but it's a decision that should be made at some point with the consultation of her Doctor.  I've grown to consider you a friend here and my heart goes out to you bones....it's not just anyone who can care for a family member who's afflicted with a life draining, debilitating illness.  You have a lot of heart and maturity...I'm humbled in your presence.


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## strollingbones (May 25, 2010)

o hell dont be...i wished i was handling this mal a lot better....you just do what you have to do..and i am lucky in many ways...having the resources not to be forced to place her in just any nursing home etc.

of course, she is in the process of writing letters to the bank and brokers to remove me from all joint accounts and holdings....she thinks if she can cut off funding...she can go home...i tellz ya they can plot that going home mal all day long...

i ask the lawyer i like...why all these others were yakking at me....his reply chilled me to the bone....he rightout told me...cause you will shortly control the money....i have put that all on auto pilot....i even told the broker that...and guess what...he calls me ....we need to just tweak this....i really preferred being a broke stoner....suddenly all kinds of adult responsible mal are expected from me....omg i just corrected a verb tense to make it right.....its beginning....omg.....will i be wearing barbara bush pearls next?  will i?????


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## strollingbones (May 25, 2010)

o and then there is the kidlet...i cant let him get the idea that he doesnt have to work anymore etc...cause no one is stopping working....that is the main reason i will go back with census to set an example....


<=== was much happier being a fucking bad example


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## Mr. H. (May 25, 2010)

You mentioned the "lawyer you like". I hope that also means "trust". That's good. But take time to read the fine print on documents- read them over 20 times if you have to. I learned this the hard way over the years. Was executor for my mother's estate, had P.O.A. for a brother (later exec of his estate), am currenty guardian for yet another brother (mental issues), and on and on...
It can be intimidating but hang in there and good luck.


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## saveliberty (May 25, 2010)

Many times we don't realize our capabilities until tested.  I think that is where ignorance is bliss came from.


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## strollingbones (May 26, 2010)

all hell has broken loose here....her sister and 2 brothers think i have been hasty and my mom would be better off living with the sister....hello my mother set the house on fire two times.....they are coming tomorrow...i am just devastated....and an emotional wreck..my aunt is going on about how she has experience with this..her father in law and father blah blah blah....right....okay you get to watch me descend into the hell that was called my childhood.

do they not see that she is better because she is under a nurses care and all....correct diet...i just dont think i can deal with this...i have cried all evening....


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## strollingbones (May 26, 2010)

i have to simply buck up...and i needed the suits....of course i had ones home phone number ...he gave it to me...with call...anytime you need me....i had my fucking attitude and trashed the number...i needed him...i emailed him at his office.  her family is gonna force me to get ugly with this...she is writing them how much she hates me....how terrible it all is...of course she is more lucid ..she isnt taking 20 advil a day.....you would think they would get this....o and get this...one brother has not seen her for what...20 years or more...i have the email where her sister wants the new car....the one i got the dealer to take back...i took a lose on that...but it a done deal and i have the check....the broker said make anything i can into money....if its not a true asset to ditch it..well she cant drive and i didnt need a impala....but i have the check in the strong box...she is offering money to come get her...i had to move a lot of money....stop payment on the checks i think she has...


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## saveliberty (May 26, 2010)

I'd entrap them tomorrow.  Start with, isn't Mom doing well?  When they agree, sick the staff on them and tell these family vultures the reason she is doing better is because she is getting proper care.  Jeopardizing that is the last thing your interested in and they better have money to spend in court if they want it otherwise.  It won't take long for the, this could cost us money instead of make us money to sink in.  If they come in the morning, they'll be gone by lunch.


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## Chris (May 26, 2010)

SB, you are building up treasures in heaven.

I don't know what else to say.


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## strollingbones (May 27, 2010)

o damn it must be bad when save is seriouis that just flat out scares me..
thanks guy....

i am waiting on calls....i have vomited since 4 am...today is just gonna be great


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## Foxfyre (May 27, 2010)

Wishing there were words of comfort for you Bones.  For reasons you don't really want to know--not the same thing but the same kind of dynamics--I know what you're feeling.  And I know how helpless it is to know the right thing to do for a loved one when nobody else can see it.  And it is especially maddening and hurtful and a perfect emotional storm when you are made the villain.

So you're in the situation that you stand your ground or you back off and let them do what they want.  You don't have to make that decision right this minute.  When the time comes, you will make it though.  And though you'll second guess yourself either way, the decision will bring a degree of relief.

Hang in there.


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## saveliberty (May 27, 2010)

strollingbones said:


> o damn it must be bad when save is seriouis that just flat out scares me..
> thanks guy....
> 
> i am waiting on calls....i have vomited since 4 am...today is just gonna be great



Sorry, I forgot my role here.  Okay, back up funny plan.  Get a droll cup for Mom to use when the relatives visit.  Nothing says nursing home quite like a drooler.  Am I good now?


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## strollingbones (May 28, 2010)

it was horrorible....first she told me she would call and let us know when she would arrive.. we called her cell twice...no answer....so da man takes the day off work....we drive to the alf...and wait...sure enough in they roll....all big and bad....and yes, she was shocked to see me waiting for them...i ask her....to not mention anything to mom...that if i wanted mom to live with her i could do that at any time...she rolled right in and told my mom she was taking her to her house...then she attempts to pin me down on a date she can 

o wait da man is saying the bottom line is....if she cant answer her cell phone or call she sure in the hell is not taking care of my mom..when she can fucking decide she doesnt want to talk to us on the phone when we fucking call..then she cant look after my  mom...he is ranting 

but she attempts to pin me down on a date to move my mom to her house.....so today i put in writing who can take my mom out of the alf....guess who's name aint gonna be on that....(i mean take her out shopping etc)  my mother did not know her brothers....her sister kept going...do you know these people blah blah blah which really pissed me off...you are never supppose to do that....

she meets with the staff and just pisses them off with her attitude....one staff member flat out stated the woman didnt want to care for my mother she wants to cause trouble and gain attention...

o and while she was here....she took phone calls the entire time..  they stayed 4 hours...after i ask them to make sure the visit was short....mom was exhausted...but in a pretty good mood.

i hugged her good bye...and told her to stop psing people that she hated me...she wrote my neighbor at home...he is reading me the letter...and stops and goes...ps..she hates you...she laughs...i swear...
after everyone left...my son told her how much it hurt me when she says that....she told him...she doesnt hate me..she hates what i have done....he ask her if she knew i was following the doctors advice and trying to do the best i could...she told him...she understood that...but it still fucking sucked...

now that is the mom i know and love....lol


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## strollingbones (May 28, 2010)

o the sister will not run me over....i may be a fucking wimp..vomiting at 4 am....on my damned left foot....i just remember this big blob of stomach bile hitting my foot...all foamy and warm...i remember just kinda shaking my foot...when da man was putting socks on my feet...i told him i had vomitted on my foot...he ask if i has washed it...i had not...i was down for the count...i honestly did not know stress would do this....so yea the stress of waiting took me down...but i rebounded and got there before she did and stayed the entire time....my son, i or da man were with them about the entire time.  they are fucking crazy....just plain crazy....


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## strollingbones (May 28, 2010)

o a funny thing....i got my mom a small flat screen and told her it came with the room...i tell her everything comes with the room...the two recliners..the tv blah blah blah....so yesterday...she looks at me....she always gives you the skunk eye cause she only sees out of one eye....and goes....

"did you buy this tv"

me all innocent....nah mom...it comes with the room

skunk eye mom "why arent the same tv's in all the rooms"?

i found a low vision center for her....that is the next doctor...


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## strollingbones (May 28, 2010)

but no, fox....no one runs over me...when it comes to my family...plus i have stopped any source of money they could seek.


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## Valerie (May 28, 2010)

I really feel for ya bones.  {{{{strollingbones}}}}

No doubt your mother loves you very much!


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## strollingbones (May 28, 2010)

ahh today went great....she was semi happy to see me...didnt wanna take a shower after walking 6 miles...she walks 6 miles a day...which brings me to another major time consuming thing....aids and aids...not the disease the helpers....she threw a shoe at one....the same one she told to get out and chased down the hall...sooooooo i had cut back on the aids hours....and was gonna cut out the morning aids that she walks with...my son and i were gonna take turns walking her...well she was told this today and hit the roof...she went to the admins at the place and told them in no uncertian terms that she has never thrown out a morning aid (she tosses them everyday) and only throws out the evening aids (again she tosses them all at least once) and that they had best change the aids to what she wants....so of course i get the...we have a problem.....from the admins...but i got it flipped to what she wants...and i was glad to do it...it gives her some control

sooooo we go out....i take her out for lunch...we eat lunch..o and did i mess that up...the place was dark and looked like a barn...she was not too pleased.....we go shopping...she buys new shoes....her idea of buying new shoes...is walking in and tell the clerk she wants the identical shoe she has on....and he had them...then accused him of baiting and switching....but we get the shoes...

now remember i stopped payment on all the checks she has?  well she goes to pay for her shoes with a damned check.....o fuck me...o fuck me...so i slide my debit card to the clerk...who by now has figured out ...mom is a wee bit addled..  mom informs me  that i have no money and cant pay...o the irony.

so we finish shopping and i notice she is grumpy with me.....so i ask...mom why so grumpy...

get this reply...."well you took me out before lunch and i am hungry"  off to burger king..where she does not understand why i am not hungry....and i do not say....ahh mom we just ate...is why...she ate all her food...and we went back to the alf....

it was  a very good day...i have to admit the people at the alf...know what they are doing...she is settling in nicely....the family has discussed the aid thing.....family being my son and da man...and we kinda laughed...we are paying a small fortune to have mom walked....we are willing to do it but she told us, she wasnt having us not showing or worse whining during the walk....

i will always pay a small fortune if it means mom is some what happy and she is near me...plus its her money....hard not to be generous with it.  when my father died....i got zip..nada...not a dime...he told me before hand...i wasnt getting mal...all my friends couldnt figure out what i had done to be "dis inherited"  i wasnt...he left it all to my mom...as it should be... 

plus he told me....be it 5 dollars or 500,000, it will be gone in a week....dad had a great opinion of me...but i had to agree....so when people tell me i am wasting my inheritance....i tell them to fuck themselves...and make a note ....never to have mal to do with them again...its that easy


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## saveliberty (May 29, 2010)

My kids and I discussed this disease a while ago.  I said just bring me a pizza and a kitten everyday.  I am hoping to rediscover a wonderful food and my favorite animal each day.  My guess is, you don't get that lucky.

I see strolling having to deal with a great deal because her mother did not leave specific instructions or have a good talk with her relatives beforehand.  Makes me think this is something that I should do, so my family is not burdened with trying to guess what I want.

Oh, and I picked up some inside info on the nursing homes.  I suggest your Mom start dating.  I hear couples get more dessert.


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## strollingbones (May 29, 2010)

you got it save...do a living will...a last will...a durable power of attorny....i have quickly done some things....in nc...the child is consider the person who decides...unless they attempt to go to court and that would be a foolish waste of money they dont have...

she doesnt let that damned purse out of her sight...i am afraid if i take the checks out she will accuse the aids of stealing....i just got to keep her from writing one....minor worry....i never thought i would consider things like that..but you have too....major worries....mom...minor worries ..all that over mal...
and that is how i get thru the day....

today we are adding a nice apt fridge with a true freezer...(she loves dove ice cream bars) and hopefully she will drink more water..with bottled water...in the fridge...she keeps telling me ..she gets all the ice water she wants ...down stairs...

there is no down stairs


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## strollingbones (May 29, 2010)

and the worse of any day...when you can see what is coming....she is like a wind up doll...she is good in the early part of the day but as the day progresses she just kinda slumps over...

i couldnt figure out why people where going...dont put the feeding tube in...whatever you do...dont do that...i see now what is gonna happen....they stop swallowing....they just forget how to swallow....they will chew...and chew but dont swallow.  most alzheimer's patients die of pnemonia..so i was all about getting her shots etc....no worries then...well not exactly ..they get pnemonia...due to inhaling food and liquids when they try to eat...so you know the minute you decide the feeding tube isnt going in...you are basically gonna let them die.

my friend has made me swear not to do it..well he tryed...i just cried...he put a feeding tube in his father for 3 years...he said in retrospect....watching him starve would have been better....

but you deal with that bridge when you cross it...next week...i call a dentist..and try to figure out why her cap is weird...

its hard to believe how scared i am....i live in this tepid state of fear...what new nightmare will today bring...and right when i think its okay to relax a bit...another bit of mal hits the fan...

then i just say fuck it....i will get it done one way or another...it may not be pretty....it may not be all legal...it may not be all the right choices....but i will deal with it as it happens...sometimes vomiting on the floor....sometimes not...


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## Baruch Menachem (May 29, 2010)

You are doing wonders girl.   I am so envious of your good sense.    When I was in the same boat I blew it big time.

About the TV you got.... See, your mom isn't so sick after all.   

What caused my mom agony was she had a stroke and lost the ability to form sentences.   All my life she had a tongue that was hinged in the middle and loose on both ends, and then she couldn't say anything at all.  She could hear and understand, but she couldn't say anything.   It was agony for her.


You are doing good.   Especially with the sister.


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## strollingbones (May 29, 2010)

well i cursed myself...the afternoon aid has called in 'sick' the am aid has extended till 4...my son is headed in to take her to dinner..thankfully he had planned to do this before now...so now i am headed into town...i dont think the son should be ask to help her dress....but i think she can do this alone or with just a little directing....i will go by and make sure she is okay...stay with her and get her into her jammies....that stuff....

okay gots to go


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## saveliberty (May 29, 2010)

We have to keep our strolling healthy too (yes you got adopted, deal with it).  Is there something that you can do to keep your tummy quiet?  Are you producing too much acid due to stress or what?  Sounds like your aim is a bit off too.  You can hit your foot and the floor so far.  Care to try for the tub or toilet?

Maybe da man would like to see you less stressed out and wants to help.  It is okay to have some help you know?  Remember us guys like to be helpful with tangible results.


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## strollingbones (May 30, 2010)

ahh listen to ya....today sucked..i went early think it would be good...she is sharper in the morning...ahh fuck me...it went this....hey mom (that would be me of course) and i begin to put some goodies in her new fridge w true freezer for the dove ice cream bars...which she says she never eats....mom says "i want out of here"  aid tells me mom has a headache and just got pills...i ask why they were goind walking on a sunday...now remember she told me yesterday...they dont walk on sunday...o the lies..the sharp sharp lies lol....so i ask her how she is going...."i have a headace, when are you getting me out of here"?  "when the doctors say you can leave"  "when am i going to the doctor"?
but you get the idea.....


no kisses no huggies.....just put your heart on the shelf....


she was just mean...so i left...5 minutes of mean was all i was in the mood for...hoping tomorrow goes better...


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## strollingbones (May 30, 2010)

oooooo i left this part out...aid says mom needs a belt....i comment that she need to wear something other than the one pair of pants she is wearing...and i have a clean pair identifical to it...she wont change...suddenly she stands up and holds the front part of her pants out..and goes...

"you put me in here and looks what's happened"  

now walking 6 miles a day...has nothing to do with  it....

and we must all love the irony of ...as i am storing her fridge..she is complaining she is being starved....normally she holds her pants out and goes..."i have lost 20 lbs"...not today...today i am straving her...


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## saveliberty (May 30, 2010)

We had my folks over for dinner tonight.  My Mom's birthday was three days ago.  I suppose your living what I get to do in fifteen years.  The brother is three and one half hours away in Dayton.  I'm across town in a city of 9,000.  Let's see, oh who will they call?

I guess you could leave the Dove Bars at home for two days.  Then she'd have to remind you about bringing them.  Mom playing head games, pretty damn funny at this point huh?

When my grandma with Dementia died, I was the last person with my Mom that night.  It was 1AM and my Mom said go home so I can sleep.  She thought she should stay awake while I was still there.  Mom looked tired, so I went.  Grandma passed an hour later.  Your son seems supportive, don't make the same choice please.

Hey, your on my radar.  I'll check here a couple times a day.


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## strollingbones (May 31, 2010)

everyone gathered for my grandmother to die....she simply slept....the doctors said it would be hours...it wasnt.....we left....she died an hour after i left...i dont feel guilty....i knew when she died...i pulled over and called my cuz...who  told me she had just died...

well today is a new adventure!!


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## Foxfyre (May 31, 2010)

There's no accounting for the meanness.  My mom did it to my sister who was her primary caretaker though the last stages of terminal cancer.  Mom didn't even have the defense of dementia on her side, but my sister was selfish if she did anything for herself, if she was late getting to the hospital, if she arranged for the grandkids to check in on Mom while Sis got away for a weekend.  I was the favored daughter, securely in another state where I could come only intermittently and didn't deal with it day in and day out.  Yes, I felt guilty about that.  Evenmoreso when Mom would tell older sister how much more I cared about her and how much better I would take care of her.

Then older Sis breaks a hip over Christmas, gets re-hooked on pain meds, and dishes out almost nonstop grief to her oldest daughter who was the one in Kentucky where Sis was visiting at the time.  Sis is hell on wheels when she's under the influence of the pain meds--treated her younger daughters like dirt through earlier incidents--now those younger daughters were saints who truly loved her and older daughter was the wicked witch of the west who was inattentive, selfish, and didn't give a damn about her.  Sis then feigns that she doesn't have any memory of all that.  Maybe she doesn't.  I don't know.  But she sure doesn't relate any of it to how our Mom treated her.

You cope.

That doesn't make it any easier of course Bones.  But maybe--I hope--it helps in a small way to know that others have been through something of what you're going through and do understand what you are feeling.  And we aren't gonna tell you to hang tough either.  It's impossible.  Just hope that you will survive it.  And this too shall pass.


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## strollingbones (May 31, 2010)

o i took today off...son is going to see her....he times it right before mash....she likes to watch that...they either watch it together or he visits till it comes on....

ahh i can handle the mean...

the head games can be a hoot...she is a very independant person and this is like hell for her....her family tries to make me feel guilty that her room isnt all frigging cozy....well guess what..she resists anything...cause its more permanent feeling...and i am thinking...funny...none of you fuckers cared when she was eating spoiled food and living with bugs.....but o hell now she doesnt have proper curtians....fucking freak out!


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## Mr.Fitnah (May 31, 2010)

strollingbones said:


> o a funny thing....i got my mom a small flat screen and told her it came with the room...i tell her everything comes with the room...the two recliners..the tv blah blah blah....so yesterday...she looks at me....she always gives you the skunk eye cause she only sees out of one eye....and goes....
> 
> "did you buy this tv"
> 
> ...



Hmm nice  she is still there .


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## saveliberty (May 31, 2010)

Do they make Ozzy Osbourne Prince of Darkness curtains?  Remember to forget the Dove Bars Tuesday.  You could sew a size tag two sizes bigger into her slacks.  Most people learn to get on my bad side only once.


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## strollingbones (May 31, 2010)

ahhh you cant do that....lol...i swear...you just got to get over the mean...when son got there...she showed him the beautiful flowers she had gotten from him...he is the golden one...i got the flowers he got the credit...but she was on her way to dinner....she told him he could wait or leave lol

she was pissed at aid for not going walking...hello it was pouring rain lol poor aid


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## saveliberty (May 31, 2010)

I'm sweet as pie.  Some folks just try to take advantage and find out there are two sides.  lol

Can't do that, as in, nobody has tried yet or somebody did and so there's a rule now?  I suppose black light velvet Elvis curtains are still within the rules.  Go with that.


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## strollingbones (Jun 1, 2010)

she has a blind....and lace curtains....she has no valance....i wont put a phone in her room...cause i dont want her calling me ever 5 minutes telling me she hates me etc...i can do without that...i havent heard from the traveling freak show since they left thursday.....and i so hope it remains that way....

today...i try to make appointments...one with an elder lawyer...i have a plan...lol...i want to put all the paperwork in place....for a guardianship...okay i want to avoid declaring my mom incompetent for as long as i can...but i want my mom protected from the insanity of her siblings...at all costs.  so have it in place where i can just call and say do it....now is this possible...hell i dont know.

so today is a get stuff done day....


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## Foxfyre (Jun 1, 2010)

Hmmm.  You mean your mom is still able to legally call her own shots?  Do you not worry that she'll figure that out and check herself out?


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## Valerie (Jun 1, 2010)

strollingbones said:


> she has a blind....and lace curtains....she has no valance....i wont put a phone in her room...cause i dont want her calling me ever 5 minutes telling me she hates me etc...i can do without that...i havent heard from the traveling freak show since they left thursday.....and i so hope it remains that way....
> 
> today...i try to make appointments...one with an elder lawyer...i have a plan...lol...i want to put all the paperwork in place....for a guardianship...okay i want to avoid declaring my mom incompetent for as long as i can...but i want my mom protected from the insanity of her siblings...at all costs.  so have it in place where i can just call and say do it....now is this possible...hell i dont know.
> 
> so today is a get stuff done day....





I'm sure your lawyer will be able to help you, but I think what you need is to have her sign "Power of Attorney" over to you...Been there, done that with the MIL.


http://www.expertlaw.com/library/estate_planning/power_of_attorney.html


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## saveliberty (Jun 1, 2010)

I was reading ahead today.  Stage 6 means they sometimes layer their clothes.  It means you might find her with her street clothes on under her pajamas.  You get some personality changes too.  In your case that might be a good thing, since treating you worse seems unlikely.


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## strollingbones (Jun 1, 2010)

o i am seeing a lawyer monday....so far...i know that only myself and she can sign herself out....she isnt aware of that...and no if she could figure that out she would have...i think she knows she is being taken care of...and i think she may realize its not all a bad thing...she keeps asking to go home but she seems to be settling in....i do have a health care form of some type....if only i could find it....lawyer is faxing it up here....

alll i want to do is protect her from her siblings....i have already moved the liquid assests around and protected them...if i die suddenly my son will still have enough money to deal with things....he has access to the account.


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## strollingbones (Jun 1, 2010)

Foxfyre said:


> Hmmm.  You mean your mom is still able to legally call her own shots?  Do you not worry that she'll figure that out and check herself out?



sure i worry...that is all i do is worry but as i said...i think she knows she is better off....sometimes...i really dont have a clue what she is aware of....she pretends she knows what is going on but you can tell she really doesnt....ie...the new shoes we purchased...well she has decided to keep them and wear her old ones....and the last time anyone could get her to shower was....drum roll please.....friday....and lets see its tuesday...

but today is a good day....she loves me..she said it when i left....

tomorrow....she may rip my head off


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## strollingbones (Jun 2, 2010)

NYT: Clan could hold key to drug to stop Alzheimer's - The New York Times- msnbc.com

good article on a clan that has genetics that cause early on set dementia


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## strollingbones (Jun 2, 2010)

omg....so today begins with lawyers.....i am so fucked here.....but its the nice lawyer calling me...tells me there is a mistake..that he doesnt have any of the paperwork for my mom...i am at wits end...when he ask who witnessed the last will...i tell him...he tells me that is a lawyer .....o great this is just what i need another fucking lawyer...but i digress...i call this lawyer and talk to his aid...

we all got fucking aids now...in all fairness she is his legal asst.

so i tell her i need the paperwork on my mom ..give her my moms name....she puts me on hold...comes back and says...this so and so and i am puzzled i didnt give her my name....then she goes...do you want a copy of the durable power of attorney.....

i ask her to repeat what she has said...she repeats it....do you want a copy of the durable power of attorney...i have a total meltdown the old bitch didnt lie..she did one..and didnt give me a mother fucking copy of it...i guess it was her final fuck you....cause it has taken me nearly a month to find the 'right' lawyer...did i mention having quite a distain for lawyers....(sorry cw, ghook and jill )

then it occurs to me ..this could be a trick...so i ask...while you have it there...who does she appoint in all this...omg the answer was ...me, me, me.....

i have been given the laser sabre.....to back them fucking siblings off....

so now i dont need the new lawyer...at 250 bucks a fucking hour


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## Valerie (Jun 2, 2010)

strollingbones said:


> omg....so today begins with lawyers.....i am so fucked here.....but its the nice lawyer calling me...tells me there is a mistake..that he doesnt have any of the paperwork for my mom...i am at wits end...when he ask who witnessed the last will...i tell him...he tells me that is a lawyer .....o great this is just what i need another fucking lawyer...but i digress...i call this lawyer and talk to his aid...
> 
> we all got fucking aids now...in all fairness she is his legal asst.
> 
> ...






That's great news, bones!


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## Foxfyre (Jun 2, 2010)

Wow Bones.  Maybe she forgot to tell you.  Or maybe she didn't.  But at any rate, it looks like you now do have the power, no pun intended, and that has to be a huge relief.


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## strollingbones (Jun 2, 2010)

i am walking in sunshine......now i dont have to fear them...i have the papers that make it all legal....amazing...took me 30 days...i keep thinking of that show...30 days...blah blah blah...but the last 30 days have been a whirlwind.

son had a good visit with her today....she didnt ask to go home...course i walk in and that changes....

but today has been a real good day....

one petty little voice wants to call the siblings and tell them to fuck off....mature voice is not allowing that


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## saveliberty (Jun 2, 2010)

Got any shrubery with that Holy Grail bones?


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## strollingbones (Jun 2, 2010)

o save...i wasnt looking for ya....but yea i got the holy grail...the golden fleece....no one else can threaten to take my mom...her sister can kiss my fat ass....damn i keep hoping she will squeak and give me a reason to nuke her ass....cause that is what i am gonna do...any attempt to move her will be seen as kidnapping (hell i dont know if that legal or not but i am on a rant)  they are shut down...o hell heres the phone what new hell will it be?


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## strollingbones (Jun 2, 2010)

o the census wants me to work tomorrow....hello....and they want the cases all resolved and back to them by friday morning...well i cant do that right now....if they were binders in the areas i have worked maybe but not blowing rock...plus i got too much going on...its amazing how much time the littlest things are taking


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## saveliberty (Jun 2, 2010)

My parents have all that stuff in a file cabinet with a label on the folders.  Sounds like they have prepared well.


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## strollingbones (Jun 2, 2010)

o find it now...i assure you....find it now...

i got to get a file cabinet for her stuff...i dread checking the mail ....i mean it runs tons of mail...i normally have no mail...and i am bad to just stack piles of mail....and then cant find anything...

i really do need to go be social lol...but i dont want to be...i have really been distant to my real life friends and they are all being a wee bit pissy over it...


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## strollingbones (Jun 2, 2010)

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i have to have the orginals...so i call the lawyer who did them....his legal aid calls back...your mother has the orginals but we have where she stored them.......o yippee....where i ask?  o where?   their reply....

in her drawer at her house....

ahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

now i have looked for important papers and found nothing so far.....back i go...to look again..seems there is no real plan B

i bet if i throw enough god damn money at enough god damn lawyers there is a plan b...

<---reminding self that when she did all this ..she was of sound mind ....he didnt have a clue....its not his fault...i am still ahead of where i was yesterday.....damn lawyers....lol


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## strollingbones (Jun 4, 2010)

my husband's mother has had a heart attack.   

she is in the hospital at chapel hill waiting to undergo a heart cath in case she needs a shunt...he is beside himself with worry...we are waiting on his sister to call and let us know what happens today...he still wanted me to go and try to find the paperwork i need...i told him the paperwork can wait....we can go as soon as he wants...i got to get dog sitters...this is where alt comes in...she just doesnt know it yet...i think she works tonight but i will simply press her hubby into duty...

oddly the preset combo code for my house is the same as a team x's member cell phone number...so i can call about any member of team x and tell them to use the last four digits of e's cell phone lol it works...

i am really worried..she is having 'silent' attacks..that is what my father had...i keep assuring my husband of the advancements that have been made in the last 30 years...

and off we go on this roller coaster we call life.....


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## Meister (Jun 4, 2010)

strollingbones said:


> my husband's mother has had a heart attack.
> 
> she is in the hospital at chapel hill waiting to undergo a heart cath in case she needs a shunt...he is beside himself with worry...we are waiting on his sister to call and let us know what happens today...he still wanted me to go and try to find the paperwork i need...i told him the paperwork can wait....we can go as soon as he wants...i got to get dog sitters...this is where alt comes in...she just doesnt know it yet...i think she works tonight but i will simply press her hubby into duty...
> 
> ...



Damn, Bones.....there is a lot of stuff going on in your life right now.  I hope your Mother In Law will be fine with the prodeedure.  I know you can stand tall with the way your dealing with your Mother, Bones.  It takes a special kind of person to deal with a Alzheimer's family member.  A tip of the hat to you.


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## Foxfyre (Jun 4, 2010)

strollingbones said:


> my husband's mother has had a heart attack.
> 
> she is in the hospital at chapel hill waiting to undergo a heart cath in case she needs a shunt...he is beside himself with worry...we are waiting on his sister to call and let us know what happens today...he still wanted me to go and try to find the paperwork i need...i told him the paperwork can wait....we can go as soon as he wants...i got to get dog sitters...this is where alt comes in...she just doesnt know it yet...i think she works tonight but i will simply press her hubby into duty...
> 
> ...



Holy cow.  Like you needed more stress in your life or something?   Well prayers for mom-in-law too.  I like to hope that sometimes when everything seems to pile on, its just the powers grouping it all together to get them over with so there can be some trouble free times.


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## strollingbones (Jun 4, 2010)

mil is doing good....so that is good news...we can put this all off until next weekend...unless something changes


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## saveliberty (Jun 4, 2010)

Strolling you and da man have me worried now.  What family history and lifestyles are contributing to the MIL and Mom's health issues?  We have to keep you two healthy.

I really dislike soap operas.  So fake and dramatic.  Then along comes you and the damn things look like reality TV.  Thanks, like I really needed that.

Daisy (da cat) goes to the vet at 3:30 today.  She is puking about four times a day.  Hyperthyroid is my diagnois.  Should be an expensive fix and the wife is not a fan of indoor pets.  I on the other hand, enjoy cats more than most people.  Should I term this, "As the fur flies" for my soap opera working title?


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## strollingbones (Jun 4, 2010)

keep the cat....just keep the cat...

well as the stomach churns:

my aunt reported me to social services for elder abuse....

i find this out today as i am visiting my mom and the social worker shows up....seems my aunt has just fucked herself as he is not even opening an investigation...said he has to make a visit...he did and has seen that she is being taken care of....

my vet bill was $198 bucks today....o the knee fix on the dog....even more


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## Baruch Menachem (Jun 4, 2010)

Somewhere in her paperwork is a share certificate of a little company called Microsoft which she bought back in 1978 which she bought with both your names on it.  In order to restore the world to balance, they has to be.


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## geauxtohell (Jun 4, 2010)

SB, I am sorry to hear about your mother.


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## saveliberty (Jun 4, 2010)

Holiday party list is getting shorter huh hellbitch?  Don't suppose the aunt will take the hint that everything is as it should be?


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## Baruch Menachem (Jun 4, 2010)

I can just imagine what the Social Services guy thought about being made a catspaw.    With so much real caseload, they probably don't much appreciate time wasters.


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## Foxfyre (Jun 5, 2010)

Hellbitch?  How'd that happen???????


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## strollingbones (Jun 5, 2010)

all i know is my aunt called dss and reported me...they have to follow up...luckily the man from dss ...well his father had dementia....he told me i had all 3 things down pat...she is safe and secure,,,,she is not being exploited and someone is taking care of her...

the only lawyers one can find at 4:30 pm on a friday ...are criminal lawyers who simply are out of their league and they all refer you to one lawyer who specializes in elder law.  she is in sc right now...

i cant believe this white trash jerry springer mal....i guess reporting me to dss was free....according to the man i talked to....an investigation was never opened...they simply had to do a follow up...

my aunt is calling my mom telling her she will never get out...etc...really upsetting my mom and aiming this all at me.

funny thing...the dss guy..when i told him they were after money....pauses and goes..."you have the money secure"?  

my mother is still highly functioning for her mental state.....but she has very poor judgement......etc...
and if taken out will revert quickly to old habits.

so now i will be forced to take measures i did not want to take.....its all really fucking sad


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## strollingbones (Jun 5, 2010)

o he never told me who reported me....but when he flipped open his folder to write in...who's name is there...but my aunts


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## saveliberty (Jun 5, 2010)

I guess you could call DSS and report her.  I'm guessing if you say she's abusing her husband, he'd agree.


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## strollingbones (Jun 5, 2010)

saveliberty said:


> I guess you could call DSS and report her.  I'm guessing if you say she's abusing her husband, he'd agree.



i guess if i were white trash i could....but someone has to try to be reasonable and all


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## Baruch Menachem (Jun 5, 2010)

hellbitch said:


> saveliberty said:
> 
> 
> > I guess you could call DSS and report her.  I'm guessing if you say she's abusing her husband, he'd agree.
> ...



I know the feeling.

But why does it have to be me?


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## saveliberty (Jun 5, 2010)

hellbitch said:


> saveliberty said:
> 
> 
> > I guess you could call DSS and report her.  I'm guessing if you say she's abusing her husband, he'd agree.
> ...



Hey, you're taking the high ground.  I'm proud of you.  Always good to have a backup plan.  Sounds like she is too cheap to hire a lawyer, so you in the clear.  I don't understand why people get so strange about money of someone else.  It is your Mom's money.  What if a cure for her disease came along and she needed it to pay for the treatment?  It would be experimental, so insurance won't help.


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## saveliberty (Jun 5, 2010)

Baruch Menachem said:


> hellbitch said:
> 
> 
> > saveliberty said:
> ...



Amen to that sister.  Been there done that, repeat often.


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## strollingbones (Jun 5, 2010)

alt was here earlier...one of her favorite sayings....the right thing is never the easy thing....i told her ...one day...you are gonna say that and i am gonna break your jaw....


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## strollingbones (Jun 5, 2010)

we are waiting to go see her..then go down east..and look for papers..we have never just been focused on the papers ...so we are hoping for a quick find and then right back home...that is what we hope for....
now what happens between now and then...who knows....her meddling sister has my mom to saying she wants to die and will kill herself....

you know you can find a hit man for about 100 bucks in fayetteville....lol knowing my luck it would be a damned cop


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## strollingbones (Jun 5, 2010)

hit man is jokingly for aunt


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## Vel (Jun 5, 2010)

hellbitch said:


> we are waiting to go see her..then go down east..and look for papers..we have never just been focused on the papers ...so we are hoping for a quick find and then right back home...that is what we hope for....
> now what happens between now and then...who knows....her meddling sister has my mom to saying she wants to die and will kill herself....
> 
> you know you can find a hit man for about 100 bucks in fayetteville....lol knowing my luck it would be a damned cop



 My mom stuffs every important paper she has into the Bible. Good luck on the paper find.


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## saveliberty (Jun 5, 2010)

hellbitch said:


> hit man is jokingly for aunt



Keep them on speed dial.  The lawyers might piss you off again.


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## JenyEliza (Jun 5, 2010)

hellbitch said:


> keep the cat....just keep the cat...
> 
> well as the stomach churns:
> 
> ...



Funny and true story here, bones.

My Grandmother lived with my Uncle (her youngest of 3 boys) in her later years.  She drove until damned near 90 years old, when she began "bumping into" everything between the town she lived in and Washington DC.  

Uncle (and insurance agent) jointly decided it was time to take the keys away from Grandmom and sell her car.  Prior to this Agent wisely advised Uncle to take pictures of each "bump" Grandmom had and keep a file of every incident.

So, Uncle placed an ad in Craigs list, sells her car (a beautiful Mercedes she loved almost as much as her dog) without so much as telling her.  She goes to find her keys and no car key.  Then she looks for the car---NO CAR!  WTH!!!!  SOMEBODY STOLE HER CAR!

Uncle tells her no, that he had sold the car and he would be providing her with a town car and driver whenever she needed to go anywhere (he could afford the $35 charge each time vs. the deductibles he was paying for her "bumps").  Pissed her off, it did!

So....SHE CALLS ELDER SERVICES and reports my Uncle for ABUSING HER by selling her car.  Of course, like you said, if a report is made they HAVE to come out and look into it.  When the Elder Services agent shows up, Uncle pulls out his trusty file and shows it to the agent.  Then the agent meets with my Grandmother who went absolutely ape-shit nutty on her about her car being STOLEN BY HER SON and how he was ABUSING HER AND KEEPING HER A PRISONER.  rofl.

The agent came back to talk to my Uncle and apologized for even having to be there, there was no case and she also said she was really sorry about leaving her with him, but if she ever became more than he could handle "here's a number you can call for help to get her in assisted living, yada yadas"

Oh my gosh.  My grandmother made so much noise over her stolen car.  She called all of her children and begged them to get a car for her.  Then she called all of her adult grandchildren to do the same.  Of course, NONE of us could or would.  We knew she didn't need to drive anymore.  It broke our hearts, she was really worked up.  

Eventually she got used to the Town Car and driver thing, but....not for long.  She fell and broke her hip which took a huge toll on her physically.  And just about the time that got healed up, she fell and broke the other one.  She lived a few months past that and her body began to fail on her.  She died peacefully at the age of 94, with hospice at the house, along with my Uncle, cousins and those who could get there in time.  Unfortunately, I wasn't notified of her grave condition in time to get to her, but I think of her every day and miss her dearly.

Your Aunt's story brought a smile to my face....it reminded me of my Grandma's "Stolen Benz".  He he he.

God bless, you Grandmom!  I miss you.


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## strollingbones (Jun 7, 2010)

well i went home...i found 'her drawer' i found the last will and health care poa....i never could find the durable....which leads me to believe she never got it....i found all her copies etc...she had legal work going back to 1962...she does not toss anything.  i will try to meet with a elder care lawyer today...if possible....

we took mom out saturday... we get her back about 3 ish..she says she is sleepy...my son goes in about 5 ish and she has no memory of me being there.

she would settle in and be happy if my aunt would stay out of it..i need to focus on my mother not all this bullmal stuff...


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## Foxfyre (Jun 7, 2010)

hellbitch said:


> well i went home...i found 'her drawer' i found the last will and health care poa....i never could find the durable....which leads me to believe she never got it....i found all her copies etc...she had legal work going back to 1962...she does not toss anything.  i will try to meet with a elder care lawyer today...if possible....
> 
> we took mom out saturday... we get her back about 3 ish..she says she is sleepy...my son goes in about 5 ish and she has no memory of me being there.
> 
> she would settle in and be happy if my aunt would stay out of it..i need to focus on my mother not all this bullmal stuff...



You may be right that your mom would be more content if she wasn't being intentionally provoked to be ill contented.  It has been my experience with difficult loved ones, however, that they find reasons to be difficult no matter what.  And from my limited knowledge of Alzheimers, one of the manifestations is a propensity to be difficult.  When they are aware, the victims are angry and frightened that their world is changing against their will--and in their defense who wouldn't be--and they frequently take it out on the handiest targets.  Which of course is you.  That doesn't make it easier.


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## strollingbones (Jun 7, 2010)

met with another lawyer ..so they could tell me i needed a guardianship....and she doesnt do that....oddly her web site says she does....but i am no better off...


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## saveliberty (Jun 9, 2010)

You didn't forget us did you HB?


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## strollingbones (Jun 9, 2010)

no i havent forgotten....but we all needed a break...and daisy needed attention....

we cant find the lost orginial of the durable power of attorney...but other than that....things are going kinda good.....i guess..hell its just day by day at this point...she wants to go home...i get this for hours....i want my own dentist..well apparently she aint been going to a dentist....she has  crown that the procelin on top is broken....on and on


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## saveliberty (Jun 9, 2010)

Daisy wanted to go home pretty bad too.  Bolted from the truck to the house.  If Mom can run that fast, I say let her go home.  Not going to happen.  lol

How are the Dove Bars going?  Have you tried getting her to color?  My Mom tried to get her Mom to concentrate by coloring.


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## strollingbones (Jun 9, 2010)

nay she spends her days writing letters...to everyone....about how much she hates me....yesterday the letter was to the doctor ...telling him to tell me....to let her go home....

i got the dove bars, the right ones....vanilla covered in chocolate...not the dark chocolate ones..the blanket i got her....she thinks comes with the room...is ugly...just flat out ugly and she will not have it out....she gets cocoa from downstairs....there is not one fucking step in the entire building....not one...
the nurses say that is common..that the old folks are always going upstairs or downstairs.

she hugged me and told me she loved me...so it was a good day...and now i have to quit fucking off and head to boone...55 miles round trip...takes about 1.5 hours...due to traffic...lets see how today goes...but i got to get too it..she may want to go out...course all she wants is to go home.

funny ... no matter how sorry our lives are...we just all want to go home...

terry wants to go home...my mom wants to go home...the concept of home..where we are in control


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## saveliberty (Jun 9, 2010)

Control at home?  Seriously?  I have a wife at home (reduced control right from the start).  The A/C broke two weeks ago, no control over that.  The full bath on the main floor needs to be totally removed and redone.  Grass will need to be mowed on its schedule, not mine by Friday.  How about those dishes and luandry?  Your Mom controls more people right where she is at, if she stopped to think about it.


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## strollingbones (Jun 9, 2010)

o i am fully aware that she has a staff and 3 of us at her beck and call...today was bad...i ended up just sobbing as she fussed at me...she refused to hug me and is back to i dont lover her enough or i would take her home...she now wants to know why she cant live at home with aids.....reason..well mom they would be black and you would be tossing them out....it would not be pretty...

i am exhausted....i did paperwork all morning..then visited her...and that just took the wind out of my sails...i just wanna be an old hippee....suddenly i dont have the time or luxury to be that...i have to be on top of all these things...its hell when you day revolves around mom having the right cocoa


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## strollingbones (Jun 9, 2010)

so i sobbed my heart out all the way home ..then went and got sticky buns....i am gonna be one fat heifer at this rate


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## saveliberty (Jun 9, 2010)

hellbitch said:


> o i am fully aware that she has a staff and 3 of us at her beck and call...today was bad...i ended up just sobbing as she fussed at me...she refused to hug me and is back to i dont lover her enough or i would take her home...she now wants to know why she cant live at home with aids.....reason..well mom they would be black and you would be tossing them out....it would not be pretty...
> 
> i am exhausted....i did paperwork all morning..then visited her...and that just took the wind out of my sails...i just wanna be an old hippee....suddenly i dont have the time or luxury to be that...i have to be on top of all these things...its hell when you day revolves around mom having the right cocoa



Maybe they can move the cocoa cart to the main floor.  
Spend a few minutes tomorrow having her show you where the stairway to the cocoa is.  
Then you can have a little talk on why people who imagine things belong in 24 hour care facilities.  Dove bars with dark chocolate?  Your Mom is right, that is the wrong chocolate for a Dove bar.  The trick here is to make sure she stays crazier than you okay?

You are strong and being the caring daughter all parents want to have.  Write it down and put it in front of your mirror.  Look at it in the morning and right before bed.


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## strollingbones (Jun 9, 2010)

saveliberty said:


> hellbitch said:
> 
> 
> > o i am fully aware that she has a staff and 3 of us at her beck and call...today was bad...i ended up just sobbing as she fussed at me...she refused to hug me and is back to i dont lover her enough or i would take her home...she now wants to know why she cant live at home with aids.....reason..well mom they would be black and you would be tossing them out....it would not be pretty...
> ...



you are so bad....i thought about having her take me downstairs to get water....but wth....why fuck with her...like that....but yea..the dark chocolate dove bars didnt suit her...
o she says jump....we dont even say how high...we just start jumping...she doesnt do that to my son....i love when she says..that her doctor was only concerned about her losing her mind and that he never said she couldnt drive or live alone.


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## strollingbones (Jun 9, 2010)

that is the catch 22....she doesnt remember the talks, we have the same talks every 10 minutes or sooner


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## saveliberty (Jun 9, 2010)

hellbitch said:


> you are so bad....i thought about having her take me downstairs to get water....but wth....why fuck with her...like that....but yea..the dark chocolate dove bars didnt suit her...
> o she says jump....we dont even say how high...we just start jumping...she doesnt do that to my son....i love when she says..that her doctor was only concerned about her losing her mind and that he never said she couldnt drive or live alone.



Yep, I'm being bad and it makes you smile.  That is why I do it.  

Your Mom's using Zona logic.  It is worse than I thought.


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## strollingbones (Jun 11, 2010)

well yesterday the phone rings....its the assisted living place...my aunt and two uncles are there raising hell caue they are not on the list of people who can take her out....i wont let them go till i get there and talk to them...well the aunt and one of the uncles said they were getting lawyers...so i filed today....to have my mom declared incompetant and to get legal guardianship....i would as soon die...i had been to do this twice and backed out....finally a friend went with me....and kinda prodded me...so its done...i hope to be talking to my lawyer this thursday...i ask for an interium guardian to prevent them from trying to take her out of state.....


they forced my hand...i had wished we could just have my mother and relax unfortunatly i had forgotten how toxic her family really is....


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## Mr.Fitnah (Jun 11, 2010)

You can  always  wash you hands of the whole affair  and  let them  "do it" , then you wont have  to hear  their criticism ,  you  will have to hear what  martyrs they are  for taking  care of  her.
There is no  winning  in  this  kind of thing  when  you are  dealing  with  selfish people.


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## strollingbones (Jun 11, 2010)

i assure you...at times i have thought about just throwing up my hands and going here...take her....you wont get a dime but take her....i wont have to listen to her bitch or you bitch....but that is not what is good for my mother....i have to just do what is best for her and protect her as best i can.  why couldnt they just leave us alone? i just dont get the sibling thing....

they seem to want to keep me on pins and needles over this....one will say..why cant we take her to georgia and take care of her....i am like..see yall are trying to take her out to georgia...then the other goes..that is not what he said....

i was accused of having her drugged the last time they were here...no she was just exhausted...i tried to explain that to them in an email...but they elected to stay 4 hours or more...when the doctor says....10 to 15 minutes at best right now....at ever turn given the choice between doing what is best for my mom and just trying to control everything they have opted for trying to control things.


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## saveliberty (Jun 11, 2010)

Your Mom is incompetent at this point.  Near as I can tell, it is not her fault or yours, but a disease's.  Fortunately, there is a competent daughter who is doing the right things, all be it a slow one because she is holding on to her Mom of the past.

Remember, they always can take care of Mom by signing themselves into the nursing home.  Then you can watch all of them.  Drool cups for everyone!


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## Foxfyre (Jun 11, 2010)

What Saveliberty said.  You (HB) don't strike as the kind of person who prods easily, but I'm glad your friend was able to prod you to do what you had to do.  Once that is accomplished, you still have the heavy burden of decision making, but you already have that anyway.  At least now, when you know the right thing to do, you'll have the power to make it stick.  And that is a huge stress reliever right there.


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## strollingbones (Jun 11, 2010)

saveliberty said:


> Your Mom is incompetent at this point.  Near as I can tell, it is not her fault or yours, but a disease's.  Fortunately, there is a competent daughter who is doing the right things, all be it a slow one because she is holding on to her Mom of the past.
> 
> Remember, they always can take care of Mom by signing themselves into the nursing home.  Then you can watch all of them.  Drool cups for everyone!



it is just horrible.....but that is the same lecture alt gave me over lunch....its the disease..its not what i want...not what my mom wants ...but it is what dealing with the disease and her crazy ass siblings has caused...i have to sit in court and hear this...while she hears it...she will forget it in couple of days....i will live with it the rest of my life...


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## saveliberty (Jun 11, 2010)

Hope your day in court goes better than my Reese peanut butter cups did.  I can win $2,000,000 instantly, but my package says, "Sorry, try again".  Sorry try again?  I'm dieting fools.  I won't have another pack for about two weeks.  Think I'll have any better luck winning in court against Reese's than your relatives will against you?  Guess I'm just a money whore too.


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## saveliberty (Jun 11, 2010)

Third trip to the vet in a week with Daisy.  You ever see a cat pant?  Totally stressed kitty.  She doesn't understand what I'm doing either.  The daily meds are already old for both of us.  Guess what?  It is what needs to be done and its is the right thing to do.  Can't explain it to the cat either.  Your Mom is certainly much more important than the cat.  But it is something current in my life that helps me relate to you.


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## strollingbones (Jun 11, 2010)

i am just fearful...of this all...i expect it to be a jerry springer thing...i have to notifiy her siblings that i am doing this...i expect them to object.  its just a mess....i got back into a corner with them threatening me with lawyers


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## saveliberty (Jun 11, 2010)

hellbitch said:


> i am just fearful...of this all...i expect it to be a jerry springer thing...i have to notifiy her siblings that i am doing this...i expect them to object.  its just a mess....i got back into a corner with them threatening me with lawyers



My divorce took about twenty minutes in court years ago.  A good judge won't let anyone get out of hand.  Any bets on whether they show up with a lawyer?  If you want, I can show up and throw your Mom's Dove Bars at them before they go into court.  

People with ice cream dripping from their heads don't make reliable witnesses.


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## Foxfyre (Jun 11, 2010)

hellbitch said:


> i am just fearful...of this all...i expect it to be a jerry springer thing...i have to notifiy her siblings that i am doing this...i expect them to object.  its just a mess....i got back into a corner with them threatening me with lawyers



Save is right.  The judge won't tolerate any Jerry Springer type shenanigans.  I'm guessing when it comes right down to the wire, your more diffcult relatives will opt not even to show up.  They almost certainly will choose not to play if they do consult a lawyer who, if he is at all competent,  will quickly determine that they have no case and advise them so.  Don't worry about stuff before it happens.  It saps your energy.


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## strollingbones (Jun 11, 2010)

o i am banking on them showing up..hell i dont know i dont know why they do the things they do


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## strollingbones (Jun 11, 2010)

i am just a bundle of exposed nerves...its like mental root canals...that is what i have to stop...so i can focus on my mom....so far..one dental visit down...one eye visit at a low vision center comeing up....kidney specialist....coming up....

now she does not like me making her go to doctors...part of the living alone problem...she swears she went to ever appointment...right...they would call me ....


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## strollingbones (Jun 11, 2010)

now if we can only get a handle on why she had headaches ever day....i think a lot of it...is she is not drinking enough water...she doesnt like to pee....so that is not good for her headaches or her kidneys


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## strollingbones (Jun 11, 2010)

she is having none of that cranberry juice....but i checked her fridge she is like..take me out and we can get me some ice cream...i had a friend with me..who had to get back to work...alt...the prodder...
so i couldnt..so if son calls in time i will get him to stop and get the damned dove bars....but i got a hair appointment for her tomorrow...i always forewarn them...about mom and how it can go well or not.

did i mention she hates my car?  too low for her....and then...get this..she wants to go to a family reunion...she doesnt care about the reunion its rather distanct relatives but she wants to go stay with a high school friend...i ask her if the friend had a sofa i could sleep on..she said no.

the friend is 80 and doesnt drive so i got to drive them around....and its fathers day.  i see me sleeping in front of the house..well not sleeping but sitting there all night...3 am talking to the cops...etc


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## Valerie (Jun 11, 2010)

Hang in there, bones......Take one thing at a time.


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## strollingbones (Jun 11, 2010)

that is all i can do.  all any of us can do. i wonder how terry's day has gone?


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## saveliberty (Jun 11, 2010)

You have to change the situations into age appropriate ones, but it reminds me of raising teenagers.  We all survived that craziness right?

Kids that tell you they hate you.  Don't follow the rules and lie.  Their diets are terrible.


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## strollingbones (Jun 12, 2010)

o dont remind me of the hell of teenagers...

it was kinda funny yesterday...there was an older man.....spinning his wheelchair in the hall....saying in a rather loud voice...."who the hell is in charge of this place and how do i get out"?


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## strollingbones (Jun 12, 2010)

seems getting out is the one thing they all have in common...i wonder how the staff stops the minor revolts that much happen daily


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## saveliberty (Jun 12, 2010)

Medicate!


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## strollingbones (Jun 12, 2010)

did i mention one brother of hers...accused me of having her drugged the first time they visited...

like i give out the drugs

i assure you if i did...i would have mine too lol


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## strollingbones (Jun 12, 2010)

now to take her to the hair salon...i have to go in..and find the place...so i am not riding around looking for it with her....i have to explain to them..that no matter what she has done..its $10.00 lol i will arrange payment and all....

the people seemed real nice on the phone...after i explained it all..the girl...goes...honey we just work with what we have.....again i am always amazed at the kindness of strangers


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## Foxfyre (Jun 12, 2010)

hellbitch said:


> seems getting out is the one thing they all have in common...i wonder how the staff stops the minor revolts that much happen daily



They do manage though those who are a danger to themselves are usually equipped with alarms and tracking devices to ensure they don't escape.

Mr. F's mom was so cruel to her daughter, berating her for putting her in a place, begging to go home, etc.   Yet every time the daughter or we took her out of the facility, it wasn't long before she was ready to go home--to the facility.  If it wasn't so maddening and hurtful, it would be funny.  And indeed, developing a sense of humor does help, which every now and then, Hellbitch, I perceive you are able to find yours.

Once you get all this nonsense with her crazy relatives settled, I think it will get much easier for you.  Until then, I hope it helps knowing folks here--and as you are finding out there--do care.


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## strollingbones (Jun 12, 2010)

yea everyone keeps telling me this is gonna get better....funny they said a month out...it would be better..fucking liars...in reality its a lot better...my mom is doing better...she is well and getting medical treatment...her meds are being given at the right time and the right amount...she is getting a good diet...now if we could just get her to drink water...

and i do see the humor in the dove bars and cocoa...and going down stairs...

sometimes i see the pain.....no matter what i do..the flowers are always from my son....the nice things are always from my son...the evil things....me....its all my fault...which i can deal with...i would rather it be that way..than her be mad with my son...

i just keep hoping i am doing the right thing.....i am so scared and i am so tired of living that way...just plain scared all the time...fearful of what could happen...the stress is starting to show with da man...we are fussing a lot...no matter what he does or says...it is not supportive enough....and then yesterday....i realized i couldnt remember the last time i got laid....lol...he was very supportive there lol


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## saveliberty (Jun 12, 2010)

Let da man read your last post.  It will help tons.

Sincerely,

another da man (been kind if ouchy myself lately)


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## strollingbones (Jun 12, 2010)

o you people dont exist as far as he is concerned lol he has his own boards etc...we dont cross cyber paths..

i tell him...i try to always tell him...but yea he is out in the garden working like a...damn what is the pc term now?  ginger step child? well thats not right to redheads and step kids....you cant say ******....o they would riot...i guess we can say mexican? lol


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## strollingbones (Jun 12, 2010)

working like a borrowed mule!


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## strollingbones (Jun 12, 2010)

but that is not pc to hybrids


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## strollingbones (Jun 12, 2010)

today went well....i figured out how to get her to take a bath....take her out and spend a small fortune on the hairstyle she wanted...and then she goes...i dont like this i am gonna comb it out..she was ripping her blouse off as we walked down the hall to her room.

i told her there were nice people there..to talk to them...she told me..she didnt do that cause they were kinda nutty.....

o get this...i had really been worried about telling her a friend of hers died...a dear old friend of hers....so i tell her...momma so and so died....

and mom says...

all she ever did was sit on her ass anyway....

joy joy


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## Foxfyre (Jun 12, 2010)

Mr. Foxfyre's dad, probably not quite as far along in the syndrome as your mom, went through a phase of giving a present to everybody he came in contact with.  Sometimes it was an ashtray, or a coffee mug out of the kitchen, just anything that happened to strike his fancy.   So we're visiting him and he brings out a sweater that we had given him the previous Christmas.  Mr. F said, "No dad, you need to keep that sweater."  PaPaw shrugged and said, I don't know where the damn thing came from, but it's the ugliest damn thing I ever saw.

We came home with the sweater.


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## strollingbones (Jun 13, 2010)

ahh today.....i call alf this am....the cna tells me basically all hell has broken loose for some reason the aid is not taking her walking and mom is pissesd...has chased the aid down the hall...wont let aid back into room....i tell her...we are rolling now....takes me 45 minutes to get to boone with traffic...so we go in....she is pissed..we tell her we will take her walking....she directs us to the place....all is well....expect now my fat ass is walking 6 miles....so i make da man go and carry water..she refuses to drink the water for the first 4 laps..then when she finally breaks down....she complains that the water is warm.  *we of course make note that we need a small cooler for water for the walks*

so the aid tells me my mother didnt wanna walk cause she had a headache...mom tells me the aid...comes in and when mom ask what she is there for the aid says...."i am sitting with you cause you are crazy"....mom chases her down the hall...aid says mom threatened her....mom says she told aid she would kick her ass....now come on ...mom is fucking 80 years old? and i did stop the shoe throwing....i told her she wasnt going all muslim on us....and she did stop...

so anyways she tells me all this while we walk....i am asking her if she is hungry....no but she mentions not having lunch....of course she has had lunch....so we go back to alf...suddenly she wants lunch...we have messed up her time line..she has now walked late and forgotten she had lunch...off to jimmie johns we go...me and da man.....sooooooooo i get back with food...and she is sitting on her bed eating a damn breakfast bar..she had stashed...she took the food and basically booted me out....she loves me....but was much more interest in the food in the bag....she had fruit cups and ice cream but wanted a sammie...o and she mentioned her flowers werent looking well....so the kidlet is taking flowers to her tonight....

my feet are blistered....she tells me...you need to walk everyday..then it wont hurt you....so that is how i passed my sunday....but she did seem happy....o yea she is still bitching at me..to go home...but not as much.

she did tell my son that she went to a neurologist and he put her to sleep  and she knows he did something to her brain..........


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## strollingbones (Jun 13, 2010)

okay i left about 2:30 ....son arrives about 4:30....ask how her day is...she says fine..told him that girl walked with her...she didnt even remember us being there


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## saveliberty (Jun 13, 2010)

I can almost picture your Mom water boarding an aid.  Tell me where the stairs to the cocoa are!  Tell me now!


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## strollingbones (Jun 14, 2010)

o damn she should  be out of cocoa....i dont know what to do about the aids...mom has never complained about anyone at the place...the other people....

a friend has suggested a nanny cam but i need audio too


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## saveliberty (Jun 14, 2010)

Be careful, we don't need Mom to be an internet porn star.  Like you don't have enough problems already.


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## strollingbones (Jun 14, 2010)

omg....internet porn star.....what i need is sanity....and that aint happening....but i am learning.....that walking 6 miles kills my feet....that disrupting her time line means two lunches that you dont ask if she is hungry you just take her to eat...

get this ..she is right..they stopped one of her blood pressure meds..they are taking her blood pressure twice a day and its constant and steady and good....

sometimes she just seems so aware......

then my son calls and goes...she doesnt remember you being there.....ahhhh such is life


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## saveliberty (Jun 14, 2010)

By recognizing the insanity of your situation, you prove your sanity.


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## strollingbones (Jun 16, 2010)

things are moving fast.....my lawyer...called...she seemed rather shocked that she was my lawyer but i am paying a retainer and meeting with her tomorrow...eye example went well..she is blind in the left eye pretty much....20/400  well hell she couldnt see the large ass E  so i guess she is more than 20/400 but it doesnt matter...

she will not drink water...we cant get her too...

so i got a new lawyer....do all lawyers charge 250 an hour?  she was the lawyer who called me back on a friday afternoon...late...she gave me a lot of free advice...

i am slowly relaxing...the sheriff served my mother...she keeps thinking her sister did it...i keep telling her i did it...she keeps forgetting...irony...irony....

but they will let me sit with her....and told me that they will make it as low stress as possible...its just better when i can touch her to reassure her....pat her back...hold her hand....it just seems to calm her..till she gets pissed and hits me....for 80 she can smack


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## Foxfyre (Jun 16, 2010)

Hubby's mom didn't want much water either, but she would drink Crystal Lite, especially the lemonade flavor.  We hauled cases of it to the nursing home.   It might be worth a try.  It would keep her hydrated without causing sugar overload.


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## strollingbones (Jun 16, 2010)

i will try that....i will try anything....something may work...kidlet and da man are back at work....they seem to enjoy the bit of peace....i am not crying every 10 minutes..hell i make it for hours now....o i am not shaking i still got this skin thing going.....bad....real bad...i havent been to the dermo for nearly 10 months...she is gonna be going all over me....i should have gone in feb


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## strollingbones (Jun 16, 2010)

and the odd things  you find when suddenly you invade someones life...

all the paperwork..amazing....things i simply cant figure out and i am not sure i really want too...


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## saveliberty (Jun 16, 2010)

Foxfyre said:


> Hubby's mom didn't want much water either, but she would drink Crystal Lite, especially the lemonade flavor.  We hauled cases of it to the nursing home.   It might be worth a try.  It would keep her hydrated without causing sugar overload.



I drink Crystal Lite in the summer.  The stuff tastes good when you drink it, but there's a weird after taste even a couple of hours later.  Still, I like using that versus diet pop or water.


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## saveliberty (Jun 16, 2010)

hellbitch said:


> and the odd things  you find when suddenly you invade someones life...
> 
> all the paperwork..amazing....things i simply cant figure out and i am not sure i really want too...



Forget the paperwork...melt her ice cube trays and find the diamonds!


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## Foxfyre (Jun 16, 2010)

saveliberty said:


> Foxfyre said:
> 
> 
> > Hubby's mom didn't want much water either, but she would drink Crystal Lite, especially the lemonade flavor.  We hauled cases of it to the nursing home.   It might be worth a try.  It would keep her hydrated without causing sugar overload.
> ...



No wierd after taste for me but I guess everybody is different.  We serve it to our senior citizens group at their monthly luncheon at the church though and it is definitely the most popular beverage being preferred over iced tea, hot tea, water, and coffee.


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## strollingbones (Jun 17, 2010)

we are going shopping today...this just doesnt go well.....they are too short...too long...too dull...too loud.....but she needs clothes for the family reunion.....the poor guardian ad litum (sp) is trying to meet with her today.....but we are in and out most of the day...i called to try to give him a heads up....

you know people think people with dementia dont have health problems from it...they do....


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## Foxfyre (Jun 17, 2010)

hellbitch said:


> we are going shopping today...this just doesnt go well.....they are too short...too long...too dull...too loud.....but she needs clothes for the family reunion.....the poor guardian ad litum (sp) is trying to meet with her today.....but we are in and out most of the day...i called to try to give him a heads up....
> 
> you know people think people with dementia dont have health problems from it...they do....



Yes, Alzheimers is believed to affect much more than just the brain.  I know you probably have seen all this Hellbitch, but for those who haven't had to deal with it yet, just some of the stuff that is frequently seen in Alzheimer's patients:

Slowly their memory will worsen, short term memory first and then long term memory - memory will come and go at first--they wil recognize somebody at one moment and then not at all an hour later, etc.
Shuffling of the feet. 
Stooped posture. 
Wandering which can include getting 'lost' and sheer panic.
Choking as the brain begins to lose ability to communicate with motor skills.
Anger Outburst which can include physical striking out at strangers, caregivers, loved ones.
Periods of being agitated if anybody is around. 
Paranoia. The person with Alzheimer's will think perhaps that one of their family members is stealing something in their home or they may have given something to someone and call them a thief. They are paranoid of strangers and family alike which can cause the caregiver in the family and other family members great pain. 
Insomnia 
Swearing.
Loss of language skills including agitation when they want to communicate and are unable to find the words to do so. 
High blood pressure. 
Cholesterol problems. 
Depression. 
Adverse drug reactions 
Nutritional difficulties
Eating disorders  (to the point of dehydration and/or Anorexia) 
Hypothyroidism 

All this puts a great deal of pressure on the Caregiver and loved ones, and more especially when some of those do not accept the diagnosis and prognosis as valid.

Hellbitch I think you are handling it appropriately, however, in your willingness to express and share your frustrations and feelings here.   As long as you get it out and don't hold all the stressful stuff inside, that plus finding your sense of humor now and then along with a little help from your friends will see you through.


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## saveliberty (Jun 17, 2010)

Is it really a family reunion, if you don't remember the relatives?  Sounds more like a church pot luck or Beano ad.  Good opportunity to test out some flavored waters on Mom?  Just go to somebody else's reunion.  You can meet some new people, avoid the Aunts adn Uncles and Mom won't have to feel bad about not knowing anyone.  Win-win.


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## strollingbones (Jun 17, 2010)

okay i meet with the lawyer...she is very nice and took time to listen...course at those rates...she can afford to take her time....lol....tomorrow is the first hearing..where they expect me to be appointed the interium guardian....her lawyer meet with her today....

my cousin called and demanded to speak to my mother while my mother was out with my son...then lost it with the staff...they are making such a good impression on the staff...accused them of not letting mom talk to anyone blah blah blah....

totally insane.....i dont know how i escaped this damned insanity of her family but i did...and i have decided that i must not let them yank me around anymore....its over....stick a fork in me i am done...
i will protect my mother from this craziness too...

i think she mostly wants to go decorate the graves and see her childhood friend...they went to high school together...so they have known each other for 65 years...i cant help but want her to see everyone she can see while she knows them....

yea i know the stuff that is gonna happen...i see it happening...she is like a wind up doll...going strong in the morning.....then just slowing down and getting confused....i see the coughing and the choking....i know what is happening...i know she will 'forget' how to swallow... i know that most die of pnemonia from inhaling liquids and food particles.  i know then i will have to decide...a feeding tube or let my mom starve....i know all this ....and as much as i know it....when i hear or read it....it just hits me...a viseral feeling.....and the tears come....


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## strollingbones (Jun 17, 2010)

i think she wont drink water cause she is beginning to have a bit of incontinence....she denies it..but i wash her clothes and see the stains....the not drinking water is not helping the kidneys nor the headaches....i forgot the damned cystal lite.... i will find it tomorrow...

yall realize my life is falling apart...my hubby missed a dental appt....i didnt remind him...i forgot totally....i am so focused on my mom that i have really neglected everyone else....they are trying to go to wv this weekend and climb....son is wanting to stay with me...but i want him to go and relax....hubby needs to relax ..its fathers day...they need the time together...my house is a total wreck...i just get paralized sometimes and do nothing but stare at the wall....i swear....i find myself....missing time

i got a mal load of stuff to do tomorrow....ahhhhhhhhh i got to get bonded....i love this mal.....bonded


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## Baruch Menachem (Jun 17, 2010)

It is sort of good you got us, (not me anyway) to talk to.

But get on the phone and talk to some girlfriends about your favorite movie star.  (don't talk mom)  Spend your time looking at the original superman movie with Christopher Reeve.    But mentally get away from it all for a while.  Make sure your hubby gets some nookie.

Agatha Christie blamed her break down (mental as well as marriage) on having to deal with similar issues with her mom.   the perpetual digging through masses of confused and contradictory paperwork, the squirreling away of important papers, the midden of a long and energetic life.   Don't let this become 24-7 on you.


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## Foxfyre (Jun 17, 2010)

hellbitch said:


> i think she wont drink water cause she is beginning to have a bit of incontinence....she denies it..but i wash her clothes and see the stains....the not drinking water is not helping the kidneys nor the headaches....i forgot the damned cystal lite.... i will find it tomorrow...
> 
> yall realize my life is falling apart...my hubby missed a dental appt....i didnt remind him...i forgot totally....i am so focused on my mom that i have really neglected everyone else....they are trying to go to wv this weekend and climb....son is wanting to stay with me...but i want him to go and relax....hubby needs to relax ..its fathers day...they need the time together...my house is a total wreck...i just get paralized sometimes and do nothing but stare at the wall....i swear....i find myself....missing time
> 
> i got a mal load of stuff to do tomorrow....ahhhhhhhhh i got to get bonded....i love this mal.....bonded



This one bothered me enough to butt in HB.  You simply cannot carry this all by yourself.  You do need some help.

Have you been in touch with this organization in your area?  If not check out their website.  There might be a support group close to you.  If so, it could be your life line.  At any rate, it can't hurt to check it out.

Alzheimer's Association - Find Us Anywhere


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## strollingbones (Jun 17, 2010)

they meet the first thursday of the month.... i will be in court then at the kidney specialist...i know you cant do this 24/7 and  i am lucky....i can afford help...but you know that is just another can of worms....aids....and lets face it..we are only on ....6 weeks....so i am still sorting stuff out and trying to make sense of a lot of things...

i never knew what my mothers total worth was.....stuff like that....now i have to figure it out...


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## kurtsprincess (Jun 17, 2010)

HB ... thank you for sharing your experiences.....both my parents died young so I was spared the agony of watching them fade .... I used to be angry about losing them, but after watching my friends I feel guilty sometimes for feeling relieved that I was spared.

I know you are struggling with the feeding tube and I just wanted to say that my stepdaughter had a massive stroke while undergoing brain surgery when she was 10 .... she lost the ability to talk and swallow because of that stroke...she's been on a feeding tube for the last 16 years....and she is Downs Syndrome so she has comprehension level of around 5 year old .... however, the difference between her and someone with alz's is that she will remember from day to day, minute to minute, that she is on the tube.  My friend's mom fought the feeding every single time because she could not remember why people wanted to lift up her blouse and open the port and put the tube in....and she thought she was being starved to death because no one would let her eat for fear of choking.....it was stressful for all ..... my heart goes out to you ....


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## saveliberty (Jun 17, 2010)

At most family reunions you hear the same tired old stories over and over.  If you go to someone esle's they listen better, because its new and they are trying to figure out where you fit in the family.  It really isn't crashing either, Imean you don't lnow your entire family tree right?  You COULD be related.

Take along some Dove Bars.  Then when everyone says, I love these things, you can say, see we are related.  Who is going to turn down a long lost relative who brings Dove Bars?   Bring beer as a back up plan.

Who says you can't pick your relatives?  

Your mourning the loss of the Mom you knew.  Now you just hold on to the one you have left.  Lawyer the Hell at of the relatives tomorrow.


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## strollingbones (Jun 18, 2010)

we ran out of toilet paper this morning.....*hangs head*  da man told me if they started with me...to tell them they need to call their lawyer....its just such a mess...but da man pointed out...we are on a long road....do it now and have it done and over with......2 calls already this am....and running outta toliet paper.....why me? 

and kurts i understand how you feel...my father died about in 82....now back to the stuff i need to be doing.....you cant just sit and dread the day....o hell yea you can


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## saveliberty (Jun 18, 2010)

Straighten up or I'll come out there and get guardianship over YOU.  Forgot the toilet paper ? Geez, open and shut case there.  Your Honor, I present the exhibit A the empty roll.  It is just three aisles over from Dove Bars.  We could chalk it up to forgetfulness, but the Defendent also didn't get the Crystal Lite.

Your husband is probably secretly glad to miss the Denist appointment.  Missing the toilet paper though.  Got any trees near the bathroom window?


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## JimH52 (Jun 18, 2010)

I am so sorry.  This is such a cruel disease.  I have known several people that have had to deal with it.  God Bless


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## strollingbones (Jun 18, 2010)

saveliberty said:


> Straighten up or I'll come out there and get guardianship over YOU.  Forgot the toilet paper ? Geez, open and shut case there.  Your Honor, I present the exhibit A the empty roll.  It is just three aisles over from Dove Bars.  We could chalk it up to forgetfulness, but the Defendent also didn't get the Crystal Lite.
> 
> Your husband is probably secretly glad to miss the Denist appointment.  Missing the toilet paper though.  Got any trees near the bathroom window?



i would love to go  back to my slacker life.....i got him a dental appt the next day and reminded him to go.....i am trying to keep up with a social life....i had guests for dinner the other night....well alt and her man...arent really guests...poor alt..she is kinda caught up in all this....being my friend....i mean she gets a phone call from me...tuesday.....i ask what her plans are...she starts to talk and i go...forget that mal....i need you to do..and rattle off the long list of my needs...she was here in about 30 minutes...


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## saveliberty (Jun 18, 2010)

Add TP to her list and don't complain if it isn't your brand.  Everybody uses two-ply quilted right?


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## saveliberty (Jun 18, 2010)

Make yourself some index cards that saying the following and put by your mirror.  Read them at least twice a day.

1.  The insanity is coming from the outside, not from me.
2.  I am doing a fantastic job of keeping Mom safe and cared for.
3.  I can't help others if I am too tired or stressed.
4.  I did a lot of things right, I have a good husband, son and friends.
5.  Check for TP before leaving the house.


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## saveliberty (Jun 20, 2010)

No weekend updates from HB.  I'm nervous.


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## Foxfyre (Jun 21, 2010)

She's around.  Maybe no news is good news?  And sometimes you just have to focus on something else for awhile or you go crazy.


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## strollingbones (Jun 30, 2010)

where to start?  it has been a rollar coaster ride.  we had the interium trial....when well....mother called me names..told them they could kiss her ass and walked out.  we were all stunned...i had like a half a minute to be stunned then had to go get her....she would not come back....she cursed me like a sailor..then we got her to talk..and it went down hill from there...she accused me of steaing from her....now remember she is saying what her sister is calling and telling her...a major issue was i did not have the orginial durable power of attorney....dpoa from now on...you can only file an orginial and you can only enforce on e that has been filed....so now for lack of this....i am screwed...i had copies....many many copies....her sister and brother are contesting the guardianship.....i gave my attorney a nice fat retainier...so now i find myself defending myself...against vague accusations.....i am meeting with banks....etc....so monday...there is a mix up and i miss her neuro appt.  i am like what the hell....it was told july 28 th not june 28th....so i totally freak...now remember at this point...the courts and her sister and brother are looking at all i am doing...(well most likely really not but i have entered a totally paranoid stage)  i have a total meltdown....but get a new appt..so i go to the bank....they only keep records for so long blah blah blah blah....so her sister and brother are meeting with their lawyer....blah blah blah....
so i am at a total loss...anything i find seems to make it worse...when i begin to look into a box of papers for banking stuff....i am paging thru it..going yea yea another couple of the damned dpoa....just what i need ...more copies....when the little sane voice...goes.....its not a copy....of course all the other voices are bitching and whining...and the little sane voice goes.....its not a copy....you have the orginial....

sane voice  is right...so now what....my lawyer is in court....so then i find out my mothers brother and sister are in the area and have checked my mother out for lunch.....meltdown in ....5,...4....3...2...1

i freak and go file the dpoa and then have to meet with lawyer first thing tuesday morning.  she wants to know why i filed it here....i am like...i dont know....it gave me purpose...she says.....it needs to be filed 4.5 hours away....can i get the hard copy etc....i go to the courthouse get the hard copy...we left at 11:30 am and got back about 10:30 pm. .. we made the filing at the place the attorney wanted.

she told me to call the minute i got it filed there....i did....i have no idea what is going on.....we only met long enough for her to tell me it needed to be filed in another county...and that its the "holy grail"  her words not mine and that now she will dismiss the compantency hearing......now i read this thing on the way down east....i dont really have much of a clue...but i did understand the part where no court can set it aside nor can family interfer and that i am her attorney in fact.

soooooooooo here we are....i am not sure what is going on but apparently finding this dpoa is gonna make a major difference.  i hope it is a good major difference.

i took mom to one of them fancy ice places 8 bucks for two cones.....8 bucks??? o well...she was happy....then she goes...this cone is plastic.....i reply....no mom its not....she insists it is....i ask her if she thinks i would feed her plastic..she says no.....gets quiet then goes...but this is plastic.....such is the new world i live in.


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## Annie (Jun 30, 2010)

Oh Bones, I am so sorry for all of this family stuff. Seems too many spin apart rather than together under stress. Hopefully this will work out and sanity will return. If it does, make 3 copies at least of every damn paper. 1 for yourself. 1 for your attorney. 1 for your son in case both you and the attorney can't find. Perhaps for the time being, keep your copies, the ORIGINALS in a bank box. 

I'll say a non-pagan prayer that family healing and peace come to you and yours. I hate when illness/death fracture families.


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## editec (Jun 30, 2010)

hellbitch said:


> okay i meet with the lawyer...she is very nice and took time to listen...course at those rates...she can afford to take her time....lol....tomorrow is the first hearing..where they expect me to be appointed the interium guardian....her lawyer meet with her today....
> 
> my cousin called and demanded to speak to my mother while my mother was out with my son...then lost it with the staff...they are making such a good impression on the staff...accused them of not letting mom talk to anyone blah blah blah....
> 
> ...


 
I am working especially hard to live a lifestyle that will end with a sudden and fatal heart attack.

I come from a family that typically lives a very long life...and that ends with us being senile for quite some time, too.

I truly don't want to put my kid though having to take care of my in my doltage.

And to be perfectly honest I don't much want to force the living (that is to say the public, not necessarily just my kids) to pay for an extended period of me dying by inches and costing them a small fortune, either.

I watched my mother go that way, and it was the taxpayers who spend a fortune on her dying process.

It just_ ain't right._


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## Annie (Jun 30, 2010)

editec said:


> hellbitch said:
> 
> 
> > okay i meet with the lawyer...she is very nice and took time to listen...course at those rates...she can afford to take her time....lol....tomorrow is the first hearing..where they expect me to be appointed the interium guardian....her lawyer meet with her today....
> ...



I think most of us would prefer to keep our ability to think normally right to the end. Most would not want to be less than whole, through multiple strokes, heart ailments, cancer, etc. Sometimes though, these things happen.

They did with my mom. She was 'less than she had been' for more than 10 years. The last 4 years of her life; 3 in my house, with my dad and 24 hour nursing. Last year in nursing home. The changes with first stroke were perhaps the hardest. Stress from my divorce and problems my kids were having preceded that. Guilt was horrendous. My dad chose to move her to FL to get her away from the situation. They had some good times, she recovered for the most part. My brother and I and our families visited quite a lot. My folks came in for the holidays. 

A few more years, lots of TIA's and then a broken hip required them to move back. Most of the problems with the kids were resolved and for a year she lived with my brother, in his ranch home-easier with hip rehab. Then the hip broke again.

That's when they moved in with me. By this time, she was confined to a wheel chair and while she would read a newspaper-it took all day. She had always been a voracious reader of papers and newsmagazines. She did however manage to keep track of politics.  She wasn't the same mom, not at all. Always small, she went down to under 70 lbs by the end. However, in her 3rd month in the nursing home, she got in a fight with another wheel chair bound 200 lb women, dragging her out of her chair.  The woman had taken a doll, (baby) from a women with Alzheimer's. 

We have some very fond memories of my mom, even during those last years. Funny how her personality, if not abilities shown through. Her very helplessness helped in ways that would not have been possible to make my youngest son a very caring person. 

You just never know where gifts will come from.


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## AllieBaba (Jun 30, 2010)

editec said:


> hellbitch said:
> 
> 
> > okay i meet with the lawyer...she is very nice and took time to listen...course at those rates...she can afford to take her time....lol....tomorrow is the first hearing..where they expect me to be appointed the interium guardian....her lawyer meet with her today....
> ...



Ahem..it's "dotage" not "doltage". Though possibly for you it could be both!

Dealing with aged parents is and has always been a part of life. Yes it would be nice if they would just go away when they become a burden, but they don't. It's a stage of life just like adolescence, young adulthood, middle age. My mom is 76 and we're looking it down the throat right now. She's not likely to get Alzheimer's, nobody in my family has had it to my knowledge; but she can be very, VERY unpleasant, is always negative, cruel, and a control freak. So under the best of circumstances she can be trying. But it's just one of those things. She'll come to stay with me sometime in the near future, and we'll muddle through somehow.


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## Foxfyre (Jun 30, 2010)

My mom had most of her marbles through the diagnosis all the way through all the ugliness until cancer finally took her life.  In a way that was almost worse because she knew what was happening and she fought it the whole way.

With Hubby's mom and dad--PaPaw was diagosed with Alzheimers but the long goodbye was relatively short--a little over two years.  With MaMaw it took 20 years of gradual onset dementia--not really Alzheimers but the net effect was much the same.  She died peacefully after slipping into deep sleep for three days--on her 100th birthday, with her family around her.

Now it is Hubby's older brother and his wife.  Brother is beginning to ever so subtly show the first stages of dementia.  Wife's family is not so prone to that but she suffered a bad stroke something over a year ago and recpvered okay physically but is severely mentally impaired.  Her short term memory is shot--she will forget what she said or did two minutes earlier.  She needs to be in a supervised place to be sure she doesn't do something to hurt herself and now the brother is almost incapacitated after a fall and compression fracture in his back.   Of course the family is torn and divided on what should happen but no food fights.

I wouldn't trade our problems for HB's situation.  But if good vibes across the distances help, they're still going out.


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## JimH52 (Jun 30, 2010)

*OMG*

I am so sorry you are going through all this.  Please keep the faith and hang in there.  I know you are doing all that you can do.  God Bless!

*Editec*, I too am hoping for a quick exit from this life.  My dad just laid down on this bed and died.  I had one uncle who fell over while shaving and I had another who died while he was driving and the car just idled to a stop.  They were all in their 80s.  I want to go quickly and not be a burden on anyone, well, other than the burden that I am now...


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## saveliberty (Jun 30, 2010)

The cone tasted like plastic because your drying up like a prune Mom.  Drink some frigging water already!  Sounds like you can use a smaller table at the Holidays thanks to the relatives screwing themselves.  Glad the sane self showed up the other day.  I TOLD you she was there the whole time.  Take pictures when they arrest your relatives for trying to check out Mom next time.  I want to see.


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## strollingbones (Jun 30, 2010)

well seems the dpoa wrapped up the financial side totally...now the sister and brother just want guardianship of the person.....they say my mom wants to go to ga....sure when they tell her to say that...fuck em....my mom is staying with me....my attorney said....no legal goes quickly....so i am on wait and see again...i figure when they found out the cash and all is locked up tight...they couldnt just go....o well we will crawl back under our rock...they had to save face by saying they want guardianship of the person...the person is my mother...but i did not cry today nor did i let this really get to me...i had a good day with mom...we walked we went shopping...she insists on paying....i tell her its okay but she gives me a 20....i get change and give her back a 10.....so we go to kfc where we have to get two sides of mac/cheese....she gives me the 10....i pay the $4.63 and then dump the change in my purse...she informs me that is her money so i have to give her 6 bucks...such is my world....she is funny...the place had sale of 12 packs of cokes...buy 2..get 3 free...i now have 4 12 packs in my car....she told me just to sneak them in when i could....so from today she has....2 packs of ice cream....8 sammies in each box.....a 12 pk of diet coke and two sides of mac/cheese.....when i call at 7 pm to check on her....she will not have left her room and she will not have eaten supper....she swears those girls just lie to me...about her eating....she seems to be realizing she is not going home anytime soon....it still breaks my heart....today she was so clear and so much like my old mom....it was a good day.....and its these good days i will continue to fight for..thank yall for the prayers and the best wishes.....thanks for making me keep a sense of humour


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## strollingbones (Sep 24, 2010)

it has been 2 months and some weeks since my last post, some of you know what was going on....some of you have ask...here goes...

I took my mother to doctors non stop...once the guardianship was file..the durable power of attorney is voided...i will have to report to the court and i had to be bonded....no worries....in a way its kinda reassuring..that much money is tempting....real tempting and we all have a dark side.

medical reports confirmed she has dementia....let me tell you the fits she tossed....we are walking out of hardees and she if fuck you...fuck this...i told her to use her inner voice...she told me to fuck myself...nice mom real nice..she simply refused to take the tests....told her that was not going to help her case...now i have a lawyer, she has a lawyer and the fucking sister has a lawyer..total cost $575.00 an hour for all 3...anyways i am being accused of stealing from her...of trying to keep her locked up so forth and so on ...and of course while i am taking her to doctors and all...they are being all charm and sweetness....

look all they wanted was to have her declared incompetant...then they can have her change her will etc..which she did tell me she was disowning me.  so i had to have my mother declared incompetent...
never do it...i dont care...just never do it..she will forget it ..the trial etc....i never will....it was the hardest thing i have ever done  and i have buried very close friends....but this tore me up..and i couldnt really show it...i had to be hard core on the stand.  her lawyer asks her to id people in the court room.....she told them i was her sister...she couldnt tell them she would dial 911 in an emergency..nor did she know the date or what week it was....who was president etc...it was sad and humilating...to her...this is a proud woman who has lived a life of hard work, saving etc....she walked to her job after 9/11 when she could have stayed home....(she was in civil service at ft. bragg)  she is cold and mean at best but i always knew she would kill for me...and she has always come thru....sometimes on the sketchy side but doing the best she could.

so she is declared incompetent...i really dont think that is the correct spelling...anyways....that is part one...then we go to part two?  who gets guardianship...now the dpoa is in place and they have to drop the guardianship of the estate and just go for guardianship of the person...o hell...of course my mother is all about them..they are telling her just what she wants to hear...me....not so much...i am the child she wished she never had and she is very vocal about it....o talk about hell....it was hell

some of it was just amazingly crazy...what would be crazy you ask...o her brother offering me 200k for my mother...o yes..this happened in open court..we were all stunned....but the judge told everyone that morning....due to emotions in the court room he would not rule that day.  well isnt that grand....

so now i have to wait..days...i mean days....to find out.....i got guardianship of my mother....both estate and person....the whole ball game....

then my mother's sister lawyer tells my lawyer they are appealing the incompetancy part of the hearting...that is all they can appeal....my world crashed...i told my lawyers para legal that i couldnt do it again...i wouldnt do it again....it was like my whole life crashed on me....my husband was so angry he was shaking like a jack hammer...he just wanted to make someone pay ....now keep in mind that the minute the trial was over...i pulled up a chair and told my mother's sister that i would work with her...i emailed her....about letting my mother spend time with her in ga...et.....suddenly my lawyer goes and tells me they are not appealing...they are afraid if the were to appeal and lose that i wouldnt allow them any contact...so 5 pm passes...the deadline...so that is over....whew...i actually exhaled...

then the bond...i had to be bonded for my mother's estate which is larger than most underwriters can do.  i have worked with several agents.....since 9/02  as soon as i got the paperwork from the clerk i started trying to find bond.  while monday my lawyer calls and tells me to go see this lady downtown..and to get this done...hello i am trying...well i called the clerk of court today and told them the bond wasnt going well....what other avenues do i have?  o none you say?  again i am mired in the hell of all this....

then at 1:30 PM....i got bonded...its over people....i have guardianship of estate and more importantly of my mom. (the person)

i have been accused of all kinds of stuff....i loved when they found out...i had not touched my mother's stocks and bonds...had there been this up close and personal relationship...they would have know that my mom stock broker and i went to high school together blah blah blah....they tryed to make a big deal out of me buying a used car..that failed...

so here i am..for the first time in months where i dont feel like the weight of the world is on me....i have almost forgotten what emotions are. i have become very numb to all of this.  i kinda got the attitude ..this is what has to be done, i have to do it...dont fucking get in my way....then dealing with suits...all these people determing my fate and my mom's fate.  

now about mom...she is beginning to settle a wee bit....she is not being told she is going home by her sister or that they will all pay me back for what i have done to her.  i let her go with them this past weekend and she seemed to have had fun.  i dont get this sibling crap but if it makes her happy i will do it.

she has a hard mass on her left kidney.  they are just gonna watch that...now i am going to drink heavily....

thanks


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## strollingbones (Sep 24, 2010)

and you have no clue of the stuff i left out.

a lot of the time...i am so disconnected....i feel like i am watching a drama that does not really involve me...i am more the state manager...i feel oddly indifferent, cold and hard.  i wonder now if that will pass with time or will i harden more?


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## saveliberty (Sep 24, 2010)

Your love has been tested and you have done the good and right things all the way through.  Figure out where Bones begins and ends.  Then fit da man, kiddo and Mom in, in that order.  Some assembly required.

Okay, enough with the serious stuff from me.  That isn't my job here.  So, why leave out all the important things like did you figure out how to get downstairs?  Does Mom still want Dove bars?  Any fun interactions with store clerks?  Come on, spill.


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## Foxfyre (Sep 25, 2010)

Just leaving Bones a hug.  I have a vivid imagination for all that was left out.


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## strollingbones (Sep 25, 2010)

yes she still goes downstairs....she was down to 5 ice creams yesterday so we went and got more..she insists she wants mac/cheese instead of mac salad...when in reality she eats mac salad....she has developed a taste for pricey breads...4 bucks a loaf....

i think she is beginning to realize how bad her memory is...she admits she cant really use her cell phone anymore....she knew how but as she says.....'she has forgotten'

while she was gone...they replaced the towel racks in her room...and i put in a new mattress and box springs and had a terrible chair removed...she didnt notice the chair being gone....so i mention that they have upgraded the towel racks and she goes 'and they took my damned chair' and put a headboard on the bed....etc...the headboard has always been there.....

and on the upside she wants to have lunch there....we have not figured that one out yet...if i call her and tell her i am coming by...she goes....make it after lunch okay?


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## saveliberty (Sep 25, 2010)

Did the lunch staff start talking with French accents?  Maybe they just started serving burritos and she figures its self defense.


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## trams (Sep 25, 2010)

Bless you Bones. I am proud of you for sticking it out so the right thing was done.


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## editec (Sep 25, 2010)

God _bless_ you, Stroll.

What an emotional nightmare.

I pray every day that I drop over dead while still in (otherwise) perfect health.

If I learn that I'm likely to get so sick as to become a long term burden on my son (or society generally, which is much more likely) I hope I have enough guts to dispatch myself.


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## AllieBaba (Sep 25, 2010)

Good job Bones! And what a relief your family opted out of spending more money on unnecessary squabbling. What a waste. 

I've seen families invest years and hundreds of thousands of dollars fighting over children. I imagine it's the same with adults, though the custody battles I've seen were solely about power, very little about money (though they certainly fought about that as well). It's tragic and wasteful, and in the end nobody wins except the lawyers, who, honestly, are disgusted by the whole thing.

I'm blessed that I've never had to deal with such issues. And I don't think anyone is going to fight for custody of my mom. She made me so mad last week I was ready to strangle her, and I just can't see subjecting my kids to her on a full time basis. 

Prayers for you, bones and congratulations for weathering this storm!


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## JimH52 (Sep 25, 2010)

Hang Tough Bones, and keep the faith.  Such testing of our faith and hope is to be expected.  God Bless!


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## Annie (Sep 25, 2010)

strollingbones said:


> yes she still goes downstairs....she was down to 5 ice creams yesterday so we went and got more..she insists she wants mac/cheese instead of mac salad...when in reality she eats mac salad....she has developed a taste for pricey breads...4 bucks a loaf....
> 
> i think she is beginning to realize how bad her memory is...she admits she cant really use her cell phone anymore....she knew how but as she says.....'she has forgotten'
> 
> ...



I'm so sorry for all that has been happening. (((((hugs))))) Your mention of 'pricey breads' reminded me though of my mom after her strokes. Entering 1930 at 8 years old, saving money was always one of her chief goals in life, that and good real estate. After the strokes, she didn't care what the cost of clothes or food was, and she knew it! She'd tell my dad, "We're not taking it with us and the kids don't care how much or little is left." 

Never a big eater, she never weighed more than 110 and only 65 when she died, she wanted shrimp, lobster, and Oberweis chocolate sodas as the mainstay of her diet. Once my dad tried to slip in a 31 Flavors soda, figuring she wouldn't notice. No dice. 

Same with clothes. She'd always been petite and most anything looked good on her and she knew that. Mostly shopped at Marshall Field's sales and from Chadwick. Suddenly after the strokes, Ann Taylor and Nieman Marcus catalogs were like her bible. 

I don't know where the clothes thing came from, but really think the food changes were just eating what she could. It was pretty weird though to hear her not talk about the cost of things.


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## Baruch Menachem (Sep 25, 2010)

You can't take it with you, and kids are ungrateful.


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## Annie (Sep 25, 2010)

Baruch Menachem said:


> You can't take it with you, and kids are ungrateful.



I agree about the not taking it with you. She was right about my brother and myself, we wanted them to do what they wanted. They did basically run through their estate, health care costs from staying with my brother and myself, the way they wanted. Private nursing was expensive, but worth it.


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## Charles_Main (Sep 25, 2010)

strollingbones said:


> Stage 5:
> Moderately severe cognitive decline
> (Moderate or mid-stage Alzheimer's disease)
> 
> ...



Sorry to hear it man. I feel you, dealing with my own Mothers medical problems myself. 

I wish you and yours the best.


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## American Horse (Sep 26, 2010)

Each week my wife (or both of us) spends about 6 hours driving to and returning from the town where her step father, an Alzheimer's victim, is being warehoused.  She takes him something she knows he likes to eat, picking it up in nearby restaurants so it wil be hot, or she makes him something cold which she takes from home.  She also takes along enough for treats for some others there who would like a chocolate bar, or a piece of a particular kind of pie, or desert they haven't had in their recent memory.

On a good day her step-father might ask one or all those questions only once in every 10 or 15 minutes: "where am I. . . why am I here . . . why doesn't my family (there're all passed away except his three daughters) come see me?"   That's a really good day.   

On more days than not he asks the first question "where am I" perhaps once every 90 seconds, repeatedly during her (or our) entire visit. It's a tough thing trying to bring up subjects to talk about with him to keep him from asking that or those other questions.

This is a man who weighs perhaps 260 pounds, is 84 years old, very healthy (strong heart, excellent blood pressure) and may well outlive the daughter who comes to visit him, sort out his clothes, see to his other needs like a razor, talcum, eye-glasses, and other things.

This is also a man, who all his life was very modest about things like nudity, who has not gone to a bathroom to pee or poop in at least three years, doing all that in his drawers, and requiring clean-up repeatedly during the day, which is performed by young women attendants.


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## eots (Sep 26, 2010)

I am taking care of my wee ma now...she is 84 and has had a couple of mini strokes over this last year and has panic attacks now.. there are good days not so good days. fortunately my millionaire brothers are compensating me so I do not need to work full-time or it would be overwhelming..  I mostly just book and estimate now and oldest son and his side kick do most of the labor.. my daughter takes her out and gives me a break whenever she can.. I hope to have her pass at home with loved ones if at all possible..


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## bigrebnc1775 (Sep 26, 2010)

strollingbones said:


> Stage 5:
> Moderately severe cognitive decline
> (Moderate or mid-stage Alzheimer's disease)
> 
> ...



God bless you and your family.


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