# make your own "the most interesting man in the world" bits



## shart_attack

Let's make some new ones of our very own, right here.

_He has never dropped a call._


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## shart_attack

_People at restaurants ask him to put one of his hairs in their soups._


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## TheOldSchool

_He revolutionized the internet by being the first person to instagram a photo of his fancy dinner_


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## shart_attack

_He has never lost a sock in the clothes dryer._


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## TheOldSchool

_Women put the toilet seat up for him_


----------



## shart_attack

_His loose change is always exact._


----------



## shart_attack

_His jokes are so awesome, they don't need punch lines._


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## shart_attack

_Wild dogs clean up their poop when they see he's about to step in it._


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## TheOldSchool

shart_attack said:


> _Wild dogs clean up their poop when they see he's about to step in it._



_Dogs step in HIS poop! _


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## shart_attack

_His disposable batteries have never run out of juice._


----------



## shart_attack

_Rock stars throw panties at HIM._


----------



## shart_attack

_No fly, out of sheer respect, has ever landed on his food._


----------



## shart_attack

_Movies watch HIM._


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## shart_attack

[MENTION=44683]Pennywise[/MENTION]
 [MENTION=26838]Ropey[/MENTION]
 [MENTION=36154]Roudy[/MENTION]
 [MENTION=40495]AngelsNDemons[/MENTION]
 [MENTION=39688]RosieS[/MENTION]

_He has never gotten socks or pajamas from anyone as a holiday gift._


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## shart_attack

_He has never gotten sick of Thanksgiving Day leftovers._


----------



## shart_attack

_His mother never threw away his best porno mag._


----------



## shart_attack

_When he was an elementary school student, teachers would take him to the principal's office so he could give THEM spankings._


----------



## shart_attack

_He does not see mirages in the desert: mirages see HIM._


----------



## shart_attack

_Sharks in the open water are scared when he threshes._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never been called by a telemarketer, out of sheer respect._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never heard of a Band-Aid because he has never needed one._


----------



## shart_attack

_When his favorite football team goes on the road and he travels to see them, raucous fans speak in whispers so the players on his team can hear the play-calling._


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## shart_attack

_He doesn't need a parachute when he skydives._


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## shart_attack

_Videos on YouTube have never been interrupted by buffering when he's watched them._


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## shart_attack

_Lightning often strikes the same place twice, just because he wants it to._


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## shart_attack

_He has found a needle in a haystack &#8212; quite a few times, actually._


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## Mad Scientist

"I don't usually drink beer but when I do, I beat my wife and kids".


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## RosieS

Every tuxedo off the rack fits him perfectly.

Men's Wearhouse guarantees you'll like him.

He is encouraged to hold up his IPhone at Broadway plays.

Regards from Rosie


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## shart_attack

_He has never had a random thought._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has digested every kernel of corn he's ever chewed._


----------



## shart_attack

_Sheep count HIM to get to sleep._


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## shart_attack

_Cans of "whip ass" do not work against him._


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## shart_attack

_He has never heard a rumor &#8212; only facts._


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## shart_attack

_He was a classical pianist before he had his first lesson._


----------



## shart_attack

_Rogue shopping carts in parking lots stop when they get to his car._


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## shart_attack

_He has never forgotten to bring his swim trunks._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never been "trolled" on the Internet._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never heard of "the one who got away."_


----------



## shart_attack

_His loaves of bread have never molded._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never heard of "luck"._


----------



## shart_attack

_He once had a nightmare, just because he wanted to._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has definitive answers to the top 10 conspiracy theories._


----------



## shart_attack

_He once got lost in the Bermuda Triangle &#8212; on purpose._


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## NLT

_He has counted to infinity twice_


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never had a pimple._


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## shart_attack

_Raccoons, dogs and bears do not break into his garbage &#8212; out of respect._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never hit a pothole._


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## shart_attack

_He is a lover AND a dancer._


----------



## shart_attack

_Great bands cover HIS songs._


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## shart_attack

_He has never contemplated the meaning of life._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never heard of "the shaft" or a "raw deal"._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never broken a guitar string._


----------



## shart_attack

_Whores in church have never sweated when he's been there with them._


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## shart_attack

_Both sides of his pillow are cool._


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## shart_attack

_He has never "not seen that one coming."_


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never heard of a "dead-end street"._


----------



## shart_attack

_Priests go to him to confess._


----------



## shart_attack

_His disposable razors have never gone dull._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never heard a crappy song on the radio._


----------



## shart_attack

_Deer don't get lost in his headlights._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never forgotten the combination to a lock._


----------



## shart_attack

_His dogs have never had fleas._


----------



## shart_attack

_His lawn mower has never hit a rock._


----------



## shart_attack

_His CDs have never skipped._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never had "buyer's remorse"._


----------



## shart_attack

_The "Wheel in the Sky" once stopped turning, because he wanted it to._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never had less than six in his pack._


----------



## shart_attack

_He frequently dives to the bottom of the ocean &#8212; without an oxygen tank._


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## shart_attack

_He has never gotten "junk mail"._


----------



## shart_attack

_His cattle get square meals &#8212; from round hay bales._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never drawn "the shortest straw"._


----------



## shart_attack

_His lightbulbs never need grease._


----------



## shart_attack

_He often tangos &#8212; with himself._


----------



## shart_attack

_He once walked up a hill &#8212; just because it was there._


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## shart_attack

_He often meets female supermodels at Judas Priest concerts._


----------



## shart_attack

_He calls St. Augustine grass "weeds"._


----------



## shart_attack

_He routinely gets pulled over for driving while intoxicated &#8212; and let go, though intoxicated._


----------



## shart_attack

_His rose bushes have never had thorns._


----------



## shart_attack

_He routinely visits psychics &#8212; to tell them THEIR fortunes._


----------



## shart_attack

_The trees he chops down never leave stumps._


----------



## shart_attack

_He only needs to watch a Stanley Kubrick film once to grasp its depth._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never lost a dog._


----------



## shart_attack

_When he joined the US Army, they simply encouraged him to "Be all that he is"._


----------



## shart_attack

_He grew up in The American South &#8212; and spoke indigenous Yankee._


----------



## shart_attack

_He can drive from New York City to Los Angeles in a '57 Chevy &#8212; on a single tank of gas._


----------



## shart_attack

_The sandwiches he gets from Subway always have more than enough meat._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never made a "rough draft"._


----------



## shart_attack

_His teeth brush themselves._


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## shart_attack

_Though not himself a Freemason, they freely give him "the secret handshake"._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never made a "u-turn"._


----------



## Intolerant

His girlfriends never have a headache.


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never made a "bad USMB thread"._


----------



## shart_attack

_When he catches fish, they have already been de-scaled._


----------



## shart_attack

_As a child, he routinely left money for the Tooth Fairy._


----------



## shart_attack

_Poetry interprets HIM._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never seen a bad Jim Carrey film._


----------



## shart_attack

_He frequently drafts off semi trucks loaded with gravel rolling down the highway &#8212; and throws rocks at THEM._


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## Intolerant

When he drives a new car off the lot, it increases in value.


----------



## shart_attack

_He once bought a ton of stock in a trucking company &#8212; and made a billion dollars off it._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never found a kink in his garden hose._


----------



## shart_attack

_He once won an ass-kicking contest &#8212; on two wooden legs._


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## shart_attack

_He has never overcooked a steak._


----------



## shart_attack

_He once outswam a school of piranha._


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## CrusaderFrank

He kept his old health insurance plan


----------



## shart_attack

_He has seen "the shoe on the other foot"  though it was only on the first foot._


----------



## shart_attack

_Fellow USMB posters rep him just because he logs in._


----------



## shart_attack

_Big-league porn stars and call girls pay him to sleep with THEM._


----------



## shart_attack

_His shirts never need to be ironed._


----------



## shart_attack

_His cats clean their own litter boxes._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never mistaken "this" for "that"._


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## shart_attack

_When you try to pee on his fire, you spontaneously combust._


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## shart_attack

_He has an internationally-recognized permit allowing him to step on your blue suede shoes._


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## shart_attack

_He can make an omelet without breaking any eggs._


----------



## shart_attack

_Intense heat only makes him more sane._


----------



## shart_attack

(Not sure: I think this one's been done before, but ...)

_Bulls in Pamplona run from HIM._


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## shart_attack

_He was actually the one who killed Rasputin._


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## shart_attack

_"It takes a village to raise a child" &#8212; but only him to spank it._


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## shart_attack

_He has never sneezed._


----------



## shart_attack

_He once bought a pair of shoes three sizes too small  and they fit him perfectly._


----------



## shart_attack

_He once fixed a flat tire &#8212; just by looking at it._


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## shart_attack

_He has never fumbled with a bra strap._


----------



## shart_attack

_He eats habanero peppers whole, and washes them down with pure, squeezed habanero pepper juice._


----------



## shart_attack

_He was once Nancy Grace's guest &#8212; and shouted HER down._


----------



## shart_attack

_Heights are afraid of HIM._


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## shart_attack

_Humor has a sense of HIM._


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## shart_attack

_He once fired Donald Trump._


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## shart_attack

_He has never gotten stuck on the Jersey Turnpike._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never once had a gay thought; but gay thoughts have often had him._


----------



## shart_attack

_He told Creedence Clearwater Revival "Who Stopped the Rain"._


----------



## shart_attack

_He means "to burst your bubble"._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never needed to "see the light" &#8212; but he'll let you see it, if you ask him politely._


----------



## shart_attack

_Though a tramp, he was "born to walk"._


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## shart_attack

_The snooze button on his alarm clock hits itself._


----------



## shart_attack

_He means "to rain on your parade"._


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## Mad Scientist

Ok, SOME of these gotta' be stolen Chuck Norris bits right?


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## shart_attack

_He regularly blows bubbles with chewing gum._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has stalked himself online._


----------



## shart_attack

_He sends frequent warnings to the US Surgeon General._


----------



## shart_attack

_Adults would give him money to buy beer for them &#8212; when he was a minor._


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## shart_attack

_He sometimes puts STP Gas Treatment in the martinis he drinks._


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## shart_attack

_The disposable lighters he uses never run out of fuel._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never heard "crickets"  except for that one time back in '89 when they were too noisy, and he told them to shut up so he could get some sleep._


----------



## shart_attack

_He regularly gets laid at Sinead O'Connor concerts._


----------



## shart_attack

_He once spent just $1 to make a music video &#8212; and won more awards for it than both Kanye West AND Taylor Swift._


----------



## shart_attack

_He regularly plays Russian Roulette  with FIVE bullets._


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## shart_attack

_He once won a Nobel Prize  just for some Kool-Aid he mixed._


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## Gracie

Some funny ones!!


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## shart_attack

_His Bloody Marys have actual blood._


----------



## shart_attack

_He often gets into fights with his shadow &#8212; and wins, every time._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has an internationally-recognized license to hate the player, AND the game._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never heard of a "tie ball"._


----------



## shart_attack

_He knows what his dates will look like in 20 years without ever seeing their mothers._


----------



## shart_attack

_When he goes to jail, he still collects $200 for having passed "Go"._


----------



## shart_attack

_He sometimes listens to "Stairway to Heaven" backwards &#8212; FORWARDS._


----------



## shart_attack

_He once dropped the soap in a jailhouse shower, just because he could._


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## shart_attack

_Plants grow three times as fast when he pees on them._


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## Valerie




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## shart_attack

_He has played "mutually assured destruction" &#8212; and won._


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## Mad Scientist

.


----------



## shart_attack

_Strippers accept Parker Brothers Monopoly board dollars from him._


----------



## shart_attack

_One bite from his pet "daddy longlegs" spider will kill a human._


----------



## shart_attack

_The tents he brings on camping trips have stakes already in the ground._


----------



## shart_attack

_He measures only once, but cuts twice._


----------



## shart_attack

_He can beat you at dominoes with a hand of ALL doubles._


----------



## shart_attack

_His Facebook page doesn't have friends &#8212; only admirers._


----------



## shart_attack

_Heavy metal bands won't allow him in mosh pits at their shows, out of fear._


----------



## shart_attack

_African safari guides give tours of HIM._


----------



## shart_attack

_The willow, elm and birch trees in his yard are evergreens._


----------



## shart_attack

_On his wristwatch, every 15 minutes says "high noon"._


----------



## shart_attack

_He watches Megan Fox's movies for the "stellar acting"._


----------



## shart_attack

_The photocopies he's made of his butt are in The Smithsonian._


----------



## shart_attack

_Towels he's left on exotic beaches have been adopted as those countries' official flags._


----------



## shart_attack

_He can solve a Rubik's Cube in under a minute &#8212; blindfolded._


----------



## shart_attack

_The tires on his 1962 Corvette are the originals._


----------



## shart_attack

_The fish in his ponds will not eat algae &#8212; "pond scum", they refer to it as._


----------



## shart_attack

_He teaches a college course about "what lies at the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop"._


----------



## shart_attack

_His personalized checkerboard patterns have THREE colors._


----------



## shart_attack

_He can incite a riot, just by staring._


----------



## shart_attack

_The knobs on all of the stereo systems in his vehicles go to "11"._


----------



## shart_attack

_He no longer goes to amusement parks, because he can't say yes to every hottie who wants him to ride the "Tunnel of Love" with her._


----------



## shart_attack

_He once made a 30,000-square-foot sandcastle out of pure Colombian cocaine._


----------



## shart_attack

_The rubber bullets in his guns are jacketed hollow points that explode on impact._


----------



## shart_attack

_The mice in his laboratory have been conditioned to accept death with humility._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has cypress trees in the yard of his home in the North Pole._


----------



## shart_attack

_His dogs' houses are built to withstand the impact of a 500-teraton rogue solar flare._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has a double ferris wheel in one of his bathrooms &#8212; not a replica: an actual, full-size double ferris wheel._


----------



## shart_attack

_The rock band Kiss once customized their song "Deuce" as "Thrice" in a concert, just because they'd gotten word that he was in the audience._


----------



## shart_attack

_His roosters routinely win fights  with phoenixes._


----------



## shart_attack

_He once went to a costume ball dressed as Lady Gaga &#8212; and took home the prize for beauty queen._


----------



## shart_attack

_One of his bathrooms is wallpapered with exotic cars &#8212; actual, full-size exotic cars._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has been put into a wicker man  and walked out with mere first-degree burns._


----------



## shart_attack

_He once caught a giant squid &#8212; with merely a common earthworm as bait._


----------



## shart_attack

_He loves the ladies, but he LOVES the tramps._


----------



## shart_attack

_As a child, while his friends were skimming rocks across lakes and streams, he was catapulting boulders across oceans._


----------



## shart_attack

_Traces of his DNA are in all of the world's disease-control centers, just in case they need to spray them from bombers in the event of a pandemic._


----------



## shart_attack

_As a child, he won the Tour de France  on a Big Wheel._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has a dune buggy that runs on pure sexual angst._


----------



## shart_attack

_Elderly ladies open doors for HIM._


----------



## shart_attack

_If he comes to see you on Halloween, he is due a trick AND a treat._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has been in Cliff Clavin's kitchen._


----------



## shart_attack

_The Statue of Liberty once took a tour of HIM._


----------



## shart_attack

_His Fourth of July fireworks displays feature actual Patriot missiles._


----------



## shart_attack

_World-renowned psychiatrists come to see him, just to lie down on his couch._


----------



## shart_attack

_Pizza delivery guys tip HIM._


----------



## shart_attack

_Hitchhikers give him the thumbs-up sign, purely out of respect._


----------



## shart_attack

_He once streaked during a world championship soccer game  and was promptly escorted back ONTO the field by the authorities._


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## Valerie

^ making what is not my own, my own...


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## shart_attack

_He once went to hell in a handbasket &#8212; and came back fully stitched._


----------



## Valerie




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## Valerie




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## Valerie




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## Valerie




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## Valerie




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## shart_attack

_He actually convinced rocker Meat Loaf to do "that" for love._


----------



## shart_attack

_Sometimes his voicemail calls him for conjugal advice._


----------



## shart_attack

_He was once going to put on a cape, and leap the entirety of the world in a single bound, but he had to cancel because it would have interfered with his bowling tournament._


----------



## shart_attack

_His nails do not grow, purely out of respect._


----------



## Peach

shart_attack said:


> _His nails do not grow, purely out of respect._



He doesn't speak unless spoken to, is a car mechanic, does plumbing and electrical work as hobbies.


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## shart_attack

_When told to choose heads or tails, he chooses "neither" &#8212; and always wins._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has found the Fountain of Youth  and says it's "a complete waste of time."_


----------



## shart_attack

_He has seen the actual guts of a burglar._


----------



## shart_attack

_He sometimes squats with his spurs on  and always bends the spurs backwards._


----------



## shart_attack

_His butt has never hurt._


----------



## shart_attack

_He can't listen to country music because the lyrical subject matter is completely foreign to him._


----------



## shart_attack

_His mama never "said there'd be days like this"  because in his case, she knew there wouldn't._


----------



## shart_attack

_His peers threw him his first roast when he was in kindergarten  and he promptly seasoned and cooked it for the teacher and them, right then and there._


----------



## shart_attack

_The grass is greener on his side of the fence, because he frequently pees on it._


----------



## shart_attack

_The skim milk he drinks is actually whole._


----------



## shart_attack

_His college fraternity didn't do sorority panty raids, because the honeys had already given all of theirs to him._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has played chicken with a phoenix  and won._


----------



## shart_attack

_His joints have never popped, or cracked: but they have moaned with pleasure._


----------



## shart_attack

_No size or species of cat will challenge him to a "stare off," purely out of fear._


----------



## strollingbones

at best most men can only hope to be amusing..at best


----------



## shart_attack

_He once served a four-course meal &#8212; on a stick._


----------



## shart_attack

_He brings ice chests full of beer on international flights as his carry-on luggage._


----------



## shart_attack

_The scales on his goldfish are made of Kevlar._


----------



## shart_attack

_His mucus contains trace amounts of platinum._


----------



## shart_attack

_The Pussycat Dolls once sent him their dirty lingerie  and he sent it back, unsniffed._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has a vacation home at "the point of no return"._


----------



## Toro

He doesn't cry like a little baby when someone posts something he doesn't like in his thread.


----------



## shart_attack

_He flames threads not in the USMB Flame Zone where he isn't wanted, just because he can._


----------



## shart_attack

_He frequents Communist Party USA meetings &#8212; and enters whistling "Dixie"._


----------



## shart_attack

_Mosquitoes won't bite him, out of fear of retribution._


----------



## shart_attack

_He can make a Molotov cocktail out of applesauce._


----------



## shart_attack

_His farts have been cryogenically frozen, quantified and sold as air fresheners._


----------



## shart_attack

_The willow trees in his yard have never wept._


----------



## shart_attack

_He doesn't go to family reunions, because he's tired of his nieces and nephews crowding him, demanding autographs._


----------



## shart_attack

_He eats poisonous toadstools with butter and carrots as appetizers._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has made love to a mermaid &#8212; twice._


----------



## shart_attack

_The devil once tried to sell his soul to him._


----------



## shart_attack

_His sweat has been used to oil hinges on places like the Golden Gate Bridge and Eiffel Tower._


----------



## shart_attack

_He won the Olympic gold medal for the Decathlon  solely because of his stare._


----------



## shart_attack

_He can take off a woman's dress by telepathy._


----------



## Care4all

Valerie said:


>



THIS is my favorite!!!


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## shart_attack

_When he was 10 years old, he gave his father a lecture about "the birds and the bees"._


----------



## shart_attack

_He's a de facto member of secret societies of which he's never even heard._


----------



## shart_attack

_His chickens praise their own soup._


----------



## shart_attack

_The tomatoes in his gardens are ripe when they're green._


----------



## shart_attack

_His glass houses are made of stone._


----------



## shart_attack

_He once put all of his eggs in one basket, and had them airlifted to the sea &#8212; just to see if they would float._


----------



## shart_attack

_As a child, when he peed in swimming pools, crowds dove in headfirst._


----------



## shart_attack

_He once met a troll on a bridge  and made him pay a toll._


----------



## shart_attack

_A former media personality and social antagonist named Keith Olbermann once made his "Worst Person in the World" list._


----------



## shart_attack

_He once walked out on a short, brittle twig  and built a three-story house on it._


----------



## shart_attack

_His first bicycle did not have training wheels._


----------



## shart_attack

_Santa Claus leaves milk and cookies for him._


----------



## shart_attack

_He once robbed a bank, with merely his fingers in the shape of a gun._


----------



## shart_attack

_Mister Rogers is a frequent guest in his neighborhood._


----------



## shart_attack

_When he was a boy, interstate highways would close when he wanted to play ball in the street._


----------



## shart_attack

_The doughnuts he makes do not have holes._


----------



## shart_attack

_On his land, he has diamond pits which have rare pieces of coal._


----------



## shart_attack

_His t-shirts are sponsored by Sak's Fifth Avenue._


----------



## shart_attack

_Hollywood has a star on his "Walk of Fame"._


----------



## shart_attack

_He once bit a vampire &#8212; just to show it who was boss._


----------



## shart_attack

_All of his pet tigers purr._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has landed a plane inside the Pyramid at Giza._


----------



## shart_attack

_The pursuit of him is an American's fourth unalienable Right._


----------



## shart_attack

_He sometimes counts his chickens before they hatch  just to show them who's boss._


----------



## shart_attack

_Doors often try to hit him on his way out, just to get his ambiance._


----------



## shart_attack

_A bird in his hand is worth three in the bush._


----------



## shart_attack

_His parrot speaks five languages &#8212; fluently._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never gotten a coffee stain._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never made love to a fat chick._


----------



## shart_attack

_He sometimes eats tomato soup with chop sticks._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has a 20,000-square foot home just to hold all the panties he's collected as souvenirs of the women to whom he's made love._


----------



## shart_attack

_He can masturbate by telekinesis._


----------



## shart_attack

_His jacuzzi transforms into a monster truck._


----------



## shart_attack

_He eats walnuts and pecans &#8212; shells and all._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has actually shaken the hand of fate._


----------



## shart_attack

_He is the only person ever to have been the UN's official ambassador to colonies of ants._


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## shart_attack

_He has made love to women on every acre in the world._


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## shart_attack

_He can throw an Olympic discus in a 100-mph perfect spiral._


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## shart_attack

_He has a beachfront home on Venus._


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## shart_attack

_He orders Sanka at Starbucks._


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## shart_attack

_None of his dogs have ever had "their days"._


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## shart_attack

_He puts "e" before "i", even after "c" &#8212; just because he feels like it._


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## shart_attack

_The "Whopper" that he orders at Burger King has its own "special sauce"._


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## shart_attack

_He has seen shit literally hit the fan  and laughed at it._


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## shart_attack

_He once jogged a mile before he'd learned to crawl &#8212; just to show that it could be done._


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## shart_attack

_He breaks a mirror every seven years  just to laugh out loud at its punk ass._


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## shart_attack

_King cobras charm him._


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## shart_attack

_His toenails are insured for a million dollars._


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## shart_attack

_His favorite three-piece suits are biodegradable._


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## shart_attack

_Bugs do not hit his windshield, out of respect._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never eaten "sourdough" bread, just because bread has never soured on him._


----------



## shart_attack

_One shot glass of his homemade vinegar has caught more flies than the totality of all turds ever dumped on planet earth._


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## shart_attack

_He once vacationed in an F5 tornado._


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## shart_attack

_Banana peels give him greater traction._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has been known to bathe sometimes in quicksand._


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## shart_attack

_He personally built several wasps' nests in his bedroom, just because he enjoys their company._


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## shart_attack

_He waits to pass cars until he sees double-yellow lines on the pavement &#8212; for the sheer thrill of it all._


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## shart_attack

_He can air up a flat tire, just by staring deeply into the puncture that flattened it._


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## Mr. H.

Christian by day, Muslim by night. Hetero here, gay there. He is... the most interesting man in the world. 

He is the President of the United States.


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## shart_attack

_He puts on his pants two legs at a time._


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## shart_attack

_He makes quilts for motorcycle gangs._


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## shart_attack

_He has never been afraid of pissing off a hog farmer._


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## shart_attack

_His candles burn at three ends._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never told a joke for free._


----------



## shart_attack

_He sometimes wears a baseball cap for two days straight, just to make his hair look good._


----------



## shart_attack

_As a child, he often gave candy to strangers._


----------



## shart_attack

_All of his favorite highway routes are one-way streets  and he drives the wrong way on all of them._


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## shart_attack

_The cones on his pine trees are edible._


----------



## shart_attack

_None of the clocks in his houses have ever struck midnight._


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## shart_attack

_He didn't have to walk a mile through the snow to get to school._


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## shart_attack

_He has caught time in a bottle._


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## CrusaderFrank

Shark this is fucking awesome!!


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## shart_attack

_His favorite non-alcoholic drink is salt water._


----------



## shart_attack

_Odds are pretty good that he's seen your girlfriend or wife naked._


----------



## shart_attack

_His fires have no smoke._


----------



## shart_attack

_He knows who let the dogs out._


----------



## shart_attack

_He once spent the night in the "Hotel California"  and left, the very next day._


----------



## shart_attack

_The soufflés that he makes rise three times._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has gone on dives with the Loch Ness Monster._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has been known to fly to the moon &#8212; on his crop duster._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has bird houses for his pet pterodactyls._


----------



## shart_attack

_His pants do not have "pockets" &#8212; because he doesn't need them._


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## shart_attack

_His one single USMB post has gotten him over 60K in rep._


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## shart_attack

_He has never "spanked it" to Internet porn._


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## emilynghiem

He messes with Chuck Norris -- and wins!


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## shart_attack

_He has never clicked "Skip Ad" on any video he's ever watched on YouTube._


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## shart_attack

_He has successfully judged over 10,000 books &#8212; just by looking at their covers._


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## Impenitent

I don't always look at large busted women's faces, but when I do, they  appear to be smugly happy .


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## shart_attack

_It is perfectly acceptable for him to end sentences with prepositions._


----------



## shart_attack

_He has never left the toilet seat up._


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## emilynghiem

He just saved fifteen percent by switching to GEICO.

Just kidding.

GEICO saves fifteen percent by switching to him!


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## shart_attack

_He can use passive verbs in the active voice._


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## shart_attack

_Traffic lights stay green for him._


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## shart_attack

_There are air fresheners of the scents of his farts._


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## emilynghiem

shart_attack said:


> _Traffic lights stay green for him._



Hmmmm..... Do red light camera companies
pay HIM for cameo appearances on film?


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## Valerie

hey shart, was that you trying to cheat the HOV lane..?



A motorcycle trooper parked along Interstate 5 near Tacoma on Monday afternoon spotted a driver and *a rather unusual "passenger" * pass by him in the carpool lane. When the trooper stopped the car, he discovered* the "passenger" was a cardboard cutout of the actor who portrays "The Most Interesting Man in the World" in Dos Equis beer ads.*

*The driver's response? "He's my best friend."*

The Most Interesting Man was not confiscated, but the driver was told not to use him again.

Channeling the cardboard cutout, *the State Patrol tweeted: "I don't always violate the HOV lane law ... but when I do, I get a $124 ticket."*



Cardboard Most Interesting Man fails as carpool-lane ruse


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## TyroneSlothrop

The Dead Sea comes alive when he goes in for a swim....


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## shart_attack

_Sugar puts coffee in HIM._


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