# Saturday night sex thread



## Barb

Lumpy seems to have abdicated his responsibility, so I'll start.
What advice do the ladies and gentlemen at USMB have for a woman who has been out of circulation for 7 years (and untouched by human hands for nearly five) upon re-entry to the world? 
Assume that she is: 
dumb as a post
not in as much of a hurry as one would think
and this is important:
already well aware of the grooming required once that "special day" arrives.


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## hortysir

Send her a mapquest link to my job.
(can't come to the house, sorry)


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## Gremlin-USA

hortysir said:


> Send her a mapquest link to my job.
> (can't come to the house, sorry)



Don't you want to know what she looks like first? 


.


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## hortysir

Gremlin-USA said:


> hortysir said:
> 
> 
> 
> Send her a mapquest link to my job.
> (can't come to the house, sorry)
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Don't you want to know what she looks like first?
> 
> 
> .
Click to expand...


She had me at, "dumb as a post"....


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## masquerade

Be sure you're treated like a lady!  Unless of course you want a disrespectful pig, it's all about me kind of guy hanging all over you.  If that's the case, do everything that feels best!


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## Gremlin-USA

hortysir said:


> Gremlin-USA said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> hortysir said:
> 
> 
> 
> Send her a mapquest link to my job.
> (can't come to the house, sorry)
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Don't you want to know what she looks like first?
> 
> 
> .
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> She had me at, "dumb as a post"....
Click to expand...


So, you just go for the easy ones, huh?


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## hortysir

Gremlin-USA said:


> hortysir said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Gremlin-USA said:
> 
> 
> 
> Don't you want to know what she looks like first?
> 
> 
> .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> She had me at, "dumb as a post"....
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> So, you just go for the easy ones, huh?
Click to expand...


Not really.......
I'm FOS, mostly 
Happily marred, dammit


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## Barb

hortysir said:


> Send her a mapquest link to my job.
> (can't come to the house, sorry)



Out of the question, and not looking for offers...next


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## dilloduck

Dive in quickly before those nasty emotional ties catch up with ya.


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## Barb

Gremlin-USA said:


> hortysir said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Gremlin-USA said:
> 
> 
> 
> Don't you want to know what she looks like first?
> 
> 
> .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> She had me at, "dumb as a post"....
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> So, you just go for the easy ones, huh?
Click to expand...


Dumb as a post does NOT necessarily mean "easy"

It means inexperienced.


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## dilloduck

Barb said:


> Gremlin-USA said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> hortysir said:
> 
> 
> 
> She had me at, "dumb as a post"....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> So, you just go for the easy ones, huh?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Dumb as a post does NOT necessarily mean "easy"
> 
> It means inexperienced.
Click to expand...


I think that's Lumpy's area.


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## Barb

dilloduck said:


> Barb said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Gremlin-USA said:
> 
> 
> 
> So, you just go for the easy ones, huh?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dumb as a post does NOT necessarily mean "easy"
> 
> It means inexperienced.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> I think that's Lumpy's area.
Click to expand...


I think this whole type of thread is someone else's area

This one doesn't seem as fun. Syren started a fun one. Lets all move over there.


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## AquaAthena

Barb said:


> Lumpy seems to have abdicated his responsibility, so I'll start.
> What advice do the ladies and gentlemen at USMB have for a woman who has been out of circulation for 7 years (and untouched by human hands for nearly five) upon re-entry to the world?
> Assume that she is:
> dumb as a post
> not in as much of a hurry as one would think
> and this is important:
> already well aware of the grooming required once that "special day" arrives.



Have two glasses of wine and then do absolutely anything and everything that feels good and let that happen to you. Sex is a very fun activity but for me it has to be with someone I _really care about..._


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## Gremlin-USA

Barb said:


> Gremlin-USA said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> hortysir said:
> 
> 
> 
> She had me at, "dumb as a post"....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> So, you just go for the easy ones, huh?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Dumb as a post does NOT necessarily mean "easy"
> 
> It means inexperienced.
Click to expand...


I meant no offense, just giving Horty a hard time 

Sex is like riding a bicycle, you never forget how


.


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## Barb

AquaAthena said:


> Barb said:
> 
> 
> 
> Lumpy seems to have abdicated his responsibility, so I'll start.
> What advice do the ladies and gentlemen at USMB have for a woman who has been out of circulation for 7 years (and untouched by human hands for nearly five) upon re-entry to the world?
> Assume that she is:
> dumb as a post
> not in as much of a hurry as one would think
> and this is important:
> already well aware of the grooming required once that "special day" arrives.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Have two glasses of wine and then do absolutely anything and everything that feels good and let that happen to you. Sex is a very fun activity but for me it has to be with someone I _really care about..._
Click to expand...


Don't think the wine would be required if the one I really cared about showed up...


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## AquaAthena

Barb said:


> AquaAthena said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Barb said:
> 
> 
> 
> Lumpy seems to have abdicated his responsibility, so I'll start.
> What advice do the ladies and gentlemen at USMB have for a woman who has been out of circulation for 7 years (and untouched by human hands for nearly five) upon re-entry to the world?
> Assume that she is:
> dumb as a post
> not in as much of a hurry as one would think
> and this is important:
> already well aware of the grooming required once that "special day" arrives.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Have two glasses of wine and then do absolutely anything and everything that feels good and let that happen to you. Sex is a very fun activity but for me it has to be with someone I _really care about..._
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Don't think the wine would be required if the one I really cared about showed up...
Click to expand...


Not a requirement....an enhancement. Didn't you say a period of years had passed? I would like to loosen up all but _one _part of my mind and body connection, in that case..lol


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## dilloduck

AquaAthena said:


> Barb said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> AquaAthena said:
> 
> 
> 
> Have two glasses of wine and then do absolutely anything and everything that feels good and let that happen to you. Sex is a very fun activity but for me it has to be with someone I _really care about..._
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Don't think the wine would be required if the one I really cared about showed up...
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Not a requirement....an enhancement. Didn't you say a period of years had passed? I would like to loosen up all but _one _part of my mind and body connection, in that case..lol
Click to expand...


It's called foreplay


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## Barb

AquaAthena said:


> Barb said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> AquaAthena said:
> 
> 
> 
> Have two glasses of wine and then do absolutely anything and everything that feels good and let that happen to you. Sex is a very fun activity but for me it has to be with someone I _really care about..._
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Don't think the wine would be required if the one I really cared about showed up...
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Not a requirement....an enhancement. Didn't you say a period of years had passed? I would like to loosen up all but _one _part of my mind and body connection, in that case..lol
Click to expand...


I'm thinking an afternoon at the spa...


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## Barb

dilloduck said:


> AquaAthena said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Barb said:
> 
> 
> 
> Don't think the wine would be required if the one I really cared about showed up...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Not a requirement....an enhancement. Didn't you say a period of years had passed? I would like to loosen up all but _one _part of my mind and body connection, in that case..lol
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> It's called foreplay
Click to expand...


SNAP! That's still around! Kewl.
I seem to remember a few things about that. It's FUN to make you guys twitch.


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## dilloduck

Barb said:


> dilloduck said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> AquaAthena said:
> 
> 
> 
> Not a requirement....an enhancement. Didn't you say a period of years had passed? I would like to loosen up all but _one _part of my mind and body connection, in that case..lol
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It's called foreplay
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> SNAP! That's still around! Kewl.
> I seem to remember a few things about that. It's FUN to make you guys twitch.
Click to expand...


Sorry guys----I shoulda kept my mouth shut !


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## Mini 14

hortysir said:


> Gremlin-USA said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> hortysir said:
> 
> 
> 
> Send her a mapquest link to my job.
> (can't come to the house, sorry)
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Don't you want to know what she looks like first?
> 
> 
> .
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> She had me at, "dumb as a post"....
Click to expand...


I know I'm a relative newbie and all, but if there is a more qualified post than this one for "Post of the Year" I'd love to see it!

PosiRep for horty.....too damn funny!!!


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## dilloduck

Mini 14 said:


> hortysir said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Gremlin-USA said:
> 
> 
> 
> Don't you want to know what she looks like first?
> 
> 
> .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> She had me at, "dumb as a post"....
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> I know I'm a relative newbie and all, but if there is a more qualified post than this one for "Post of the Year" I'd love to see it!
> 
> PosiRep for horty.....too damn funny!!!
Click to expand...


throw off you're newby shackles and let her rip


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## hortysir

Barb said:


> Lumpy seems to have abdicated his responsibility, so I'll start.
> What advice do the ladies and gentlemen at USMB have for a woman who has been out of circulation for 7 years (and untouched by human hands for nearly five) upon re-entry to the world?
> Assume that she is:
> dumb as a post
> not in as much of a hurry as one would think
> and this is important:
> already well aware of the grooming required once that "special day" arrives.



Okay, it'a after closing time so I can take a couple minutes on this one before I gotta head to the house.

Advice?
Be cool. Take it slow. Don't try to rush anything.

After my divorce, I was in no hurry.
Swore off women, almost entirely, and focused on me.

Then, one day, BAM!!!

17 years, next month


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## Barb

dilloduck said:


> Barb said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> dilloduck said:
> 
> 
> 
> It's called foreplay
> 
> 
> 
> 
> SNAP! That's still around! Kewl.
> I seem to remember a few things about that. It's FUN to make you guys twitch.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Sorry guys----I shoulda kept my mouth shut !
Click to expand...


What? Guys don't like to twitch? I remember they did once upon a time...


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## hortysir

"Twitch"
I love that word.

I like to, and like to make her


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## Barb

hortysir said:


> "Twitch"
> I love that word.
> 
> I like to, and like to make her





> You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to hortysir again.



Damn, you so deserved it, too. 
Twitch IS a good word


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## syrenn

Barb said:


> I think this whole type of thread is someone else's area
> 
> This one doesn't seem as fun. Syren started a fun one. Lets all move over there.



LOL...what thread did i start????  

But first a few questions. 

Are you asking about getting back into the sex
or are you asking about how to start into the new relationship area?


They are two totally different set of answers.


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## Barb

syrenn said:


> Barb said:
> 
> 
> 
> I think this whole type of thread is someone else's area
> 
> This one doesn't seem as fun. Syren started a fun one. Lets all move over there.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> LOL...what thread did i start????
> 
> But first a few questions.
> 
> Are you asking about getting back into the sex
> or are you asking about how to start into the new relationship area?
> 
> 
> They are two totally different set of answers.
Click to expand...


Actually, it was Aqua Athena. Last pot I saw there was yours, so I mistook it for your thread. 
And both.


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## dilloduck

Barb said:


> syrenn said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Barb said:
> 
> 
> 
> I think this whole type of thread is someone else's area
> 
> This one doesn't seem as fun. Syren started a fun one. Lets all move over there.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> LOL...what thread did i start????
> 
> But first a few questions.
> 
> Are you asking about getting back into the sex
> or are you asking about how to start into the new relationship area?
> 
> 
> They are two totally different set of answers.
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Actually, it was Aqua Athena. Last pot I saw there was yours, so I mistook it for your thread.
> And both.
Click to expand...


Cmon Barb---keep up !!


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## Barb

dilloduck said:


> Barb said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> syrenn said:
> 
> 
> 
> LOL...what thread did i start????
> 
> But first a few questions.
> 
> Are you asking about getting back into the sex
> or are you asking about how to start into the new relationship area?
> 
> 
> They are two totally different set of answers.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Actually, it was Aqua Athena. Last pot I saw there was yours, so I mistook it for your thread.
> And both.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Cmon Barb---keep up !!
Click to expand...


Have mercy! I have a bad cold. Lost my voice even (naturally, the family is devastated), and I'm on antibiotics even! 
Naturally, the brandy (PEACH! they make peach brandy!) I'm taking is PURELY for medicinal purposes and has NOTHING to do with any mistakes made...
Not fer nothing Dillo, I thought we was tight.


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## dilloduck

Barb said:


> dilloduck said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Barb said:
> 
> 
> 
> Actually, it was Aqua Athena. Last pot I saw there was yours, so I mistook it for your thread.
> And both.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Cmon Barb---keep up !!
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Have mercy! I have a bad cold. Lost my voice even (naturally, the family is devastated), and I'm on antibiotics even!
> Naturally, the brandy (PEACH! they make peach brandy!) I'm taking is PURELY for medicinal purposes and has NOTHING to do with any mistakes made...
> Not fer nothing Dillo, I thought we was tight.
Click to expand...


cmon Barb--just keeping you on you're toes. ( go with the Apricot)


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## Barb

dilloduck said:


> Barb said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> dilloduck said:
> 
> 
> 
> Cmon Barb---keep up !!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Have mercy! I have a bad cold. Lost my voice even (naturally, the family is devastated), and I'm on antibiotics even!
> Naturally, the brandy (PEACH! they make peach brandy!) I'm taking is PURELY for medicinal purposes and has NOTHING to do with any mistakes made...
> Not fer nothing Dillo, I thought we was tight.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> cmon Barb--just keeping you on you're toes. ( go with the Apricot)
Click to expand...


Apricot is good (they make that too?), but I'm partial to peach. There's something about the scent of fresh ripe peaches that just makes me happy. And okay, somebody has to keep me on my toes
lest they curl.


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## dilloduck

Barb said:


> dilloduck said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Barb said:
> 
> 
> 
> Have mercy! I have a bad cold. Lost my voice even (naturally, the family is devastated), and I'm on antibiotics even!
> Naturally, the brandy (PEACH! they make peach brandy!) I'm taking is PURELY for medicinal purposes and has NOTHING to do with any mistakes made...
> Not fer nothing Dillo, I thought we was tight.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> cmon Barb--just keeping you on you're toes. ( go with the Apricot)
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Apricot is good (they make that too?), but I'm partial to peach. There's something about the scent of fresh ripe peaches that just makes me happy. And okay, somebody has to keep me on my toes
> lest they curl.
Click to expand...


If you toes curl you're doing a mighty fine job


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## Barb

dilloduck said:


> Barb said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> dilloduck said:
> 
> 
> 
> cmon Barb--just keeping you on you're toes. ( go with the Apricot)
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Apricot is good (they make that too?), but I'm partial to peach. There's something about the scent of fresh ripe peaches that just makes me happy. And okay, somebody has to keep me on my toes
> lest they curl.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> If you toes curl you're doing a mighty fine job
Click to expand...


Well, SOMEbody is


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## dilloduck

Barb said:


> dilloduck said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Barb said:
> 
> 
> 
> Apricot is good (they make that too?), but I'm partial to peach. There's something about the scent of fresh ripe peaches that just makes me happy. And okay, somebody has to keep me on my toes
> lest they curl.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> If you toes curl you're doing a mighty fine job
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Well, SOMEbody is
Click to expand...


Don't stop to give or take credit


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## Barb

dilloduck said:


> Barb said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> dilloduck said:
> 
> 
> 
> If you toes curl you're doing a mighty fine job
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Well, SOMEbody is
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Don't stop to give or take credit
Click to expand...








LOL! 

G'night, peeps, its past my bed time


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## dilloduck

Damn Lumpy---you wore Barb plumb out.


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## Lumpy 1

dilloduck said:


> Barb said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Gremlin-USA said:
> 
> 
> 
> So, you just go for the easy ones, huh?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dumb as a post does NOT necessarily mean "easy"
> 
> It means inexperienced.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> I think that's Lumpy's area.
Click to expand...


...


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## dilloduck

Lumpy 1 said:


> dilloduck said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Barb said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dumb as a post does NOT necessarily mean "easy"
> 
> It means inexperienced.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I think that's Lumpy's area.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> ...
Click to expand...


Crap---I was hoping you didn't see that one.


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## Lumpy 1

dilloduck said:


> Lumpy 1 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> dilloduck said:
> 
> 
> 
> I think that's Lumpy's area.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ...
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Crap---I was hoping you didn't see that one.
Click to expand...


Alas .. part of the cost when learning from the Master..


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## hortysir

Barb said:


> hortysir said:
> 
> 
> 
> "Twitch"
> I love that word.
> 
> I like to, and like to make her
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to hortysir again.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Damn, you so deserved it, too.
> Twitch IS a good word
Click to expand...


Another favorite?

*touchless*


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## editec

Barb said:


> Lumpy seems to have abdicated his responsibility, so I'll start.
> What advice do the ladies and gentlemen at USMB have for a woman who has been out of circulation for 7 years (and untouched by human hands for nearly five) upon re-entry to the world?
> Assume that she is:
> dumb as a post
> not in as much of a hurry as one would think
> and this is important:
> already well aware of the grooming required once that "special day" arrives.


 
Get _SLUTTY._

Go ahead, men like that in women. (well we also like virginal innocence too, but I assume you're past the time when you can pull that neat trick off)

Oh, a lot of us will claim that that's not true, of course.

But we're just trying to impress girls when we say that.

Well...that or we're basically afraid of women who like sex.

And yeah, women who_ really_ like sex (and aren't afraid to admit it)_ are_ kinda scary even if the man IS experienced.

Remember that we can't really fake it, so that whole performance issue is _very real_ for us. (unless we're completely selfish assholes which I have been informed by various GFs is a very real possibility)

But some of us (most of us I hope) will grit our teeth, gird our loins, and do our damnest to live down to your (usually completely absurd)  expectations anyway.

YOu know the angels must laugh like hell at the mental and physical contortions we put ourselves through to be sexual beings.


Cause if you don't have a sex drive, ya gotta admit the whole thing does seem rather silly.


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## dilloduck

Ain't it the truth----try as we may that animal in us can put our power to reason to shame


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## Sherry

Why is this thread over here?? I never come to arts and crafts.


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## hortysir

Sherry said:


> Why is this thread over here?? I never come to arts and crafts.



Properly achieving that 'touchless' state IS an Art!!


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## Sherry

hortysir said:


> Sherry said:
> 
> 
> 
> Why is this thread over here?? I never come to arts and crafts.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Properly achieving that 'touchless' state IS an Art!!
Click to expand...


Could you please expand on this in more detail??


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## hortysir

Sherry said:


> hortysir said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sherry said:
> 
> 
> 
> Why is this thread over here?? I never come to arts and crafts.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Properly achieving that 'touchless' state IS an Art!!
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Could you please expand on this in more detail??
Click to expand...


Circles...
Gradually-increasing pressure....
.........

.........................


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## Sherry

hortysir said:


> Sherry said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> hortysir said:
> 
> 
> 
> Properly achieving that 'touchless' state IS an Art!!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Could you please expand on this in more detail??
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Circles...
> Gradually-increasing pressure....
> .........
> 
> .........................
Click to expand...


Oh shit.


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## strollingbones

okay i been giving this some thought....you want this gentleman to show up .....does he know this?

or is he expected to guess...have you simply picked up the phone and called...and said...honey come on over...i got a couple of steaks and a bottle of..whatever...

now you have gone a while without....so if things do progress...rock his world...show him some old fashioned rock and roll...with that said...dont be slutty and dont be easy.. and never be cheap lol

o i digress....but you cant wait for a man to make a move...they are just as baffled at 40 as they were at 16....you have to nudge them....after all nothing twitches on its own....


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## strollingbones

o and i just pmed you ...a way that never fails ......i hope it didnt offend you lol

we pagans have wee secrets


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## Barb

hellbitch said:


> o and i just pmed you ...a way that never fails ......i hope it didnt offend you lol
> 
> we pagans have wee secrets





Not at all, not at all.


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## Sherry

hellbitch said:


> o and i just pmed you ...a way that never fails ......i hope it didnt offend you lol
> 
> we pagans have wee secrets



Come on, share with the class.


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## hortysir

Sherry said:


> hellbitch said:
> 
> 
> 
> o and i just pmed you ...a way that never fails ......i hope it didnt offend you lol
> 
> we pagans have wee secrets
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Come on, share with the class.
Click to expand...

I know. Right???


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## Cleopatra II

It is like what my grandmother told me, "Be a lady in the parlor, and a whore in the bedroom".


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## Lumpy 1

Cleopatra II said:


> It is like what my grandmother told me, "Be a lady in the parlor, and a whore in the bedroom".



What Cleopatra 11 couldn't wait till Saturday....mmmm  I wonder how Dilloducks going to feel about this?


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