# Best Calorie Burners



## Phoenix (Jul 21, 2009)

It's been known for years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now, for the first time in the Western World, here are the true caloric benefits of sex:


Removing her clothes

With consent - 12 Calories

Without consent - 187 Calories


Opening her bra

With both hands - 8 Calories

With one hand - 12 Calories

With your teeth - 85 Calories


Putting on a condom

With an erection - 6 Calories

Without an erection - 315 Calories


Preliminaries

Trying to find the clitoris - 8 Calories

Trying to find the G-Spot - 92 Calories


Positions

Missionary - 12 Calories

69 lying down - 78 Calories

69 standing up - 112 Calories

Wheelbarrow - 216 Calories

Doggy Style - 326 Calories

Italian Chandelier - 912 Calories


Orgasm

Real - 112 Calories

Fake - 315 Calories


Post Orgasm

Lying in bed hugging - 18 Calories

Getting up immediately - 36 Calories

Explaining why you got out of bed immediately - 816 Calories


Getting a second erection

If you are: 20-29 years old - 36 Calories

30-39 years - 80 Calories

40-49 years - 124 Calories

50-59 years - 972 Calories

60-69 years - 2916 Calories

70 and over - Death


Dressing afterwards

Calmly - 32 Calories

In a hurry - 98 Calories

With her father knocking at the door - 1218 Calories

With your wife knocking at the door - 3521 Calories


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## Coyote (Jul 21, 2009)

....off to burn some calories....


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## Phoenix (Jul 21, 2009)

Coyote said:


> ....off to burn some calories....



Atta girl!


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## xotoxi (Jul 21, 2009)

Eve said:


> 69 standing up - 112 Calories


 

How many calories if you are a Chubby Chaser?


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## Phoenix (Jul 21, 2009)

xotoxi said:


> Eve said:
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> > 69 standing up - 112 Calories
> ...



Multiply that(112 calories) by every 50 lbs. I guess?


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## JBeukema (Jul 21, 2009)

Sexercise: 7 Positions That Get You in Shape
Sexercise: The Good Lovin' Workout - iVillage Your Total Health
Sexercise: Fitness Never Felt So Good! | Mars Venus LIVING


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## Coyote (Jul 21, 2009)

okie dokie...


Italian Chandelier.....errr....hmmm


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## Phoenix (Jul 21, 2009)

Coyote said:


> okie dokie...
> 
> 
> Italian Chandelier.....errr....hmmm



Redneck equivalent - ceiling fan


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## Zoom-boing (Jul 21, 2009)

69 -- standing up?  Better wear a helmet.


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## Phoenix (Jul 21, 2009)

Zoom-boing said:


> 69 -- standing up?  Better wear a helmet.



Yer a detail-oriented person, aren't you?


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## Bootneck (Jul 21, 2009)

Jeez Eve! I've just burned 50 calories getting horny!


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## Zoom-boing (Jul 21, 2009)

Eve said:


> Zoom-boing said:
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> > 69 -- standing up?  Better wear a helmet.
> ...



Since I'm the one who'd likely be dropped on their head  . . . yup!


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## Phoenix (Jul 21, 2009)

Zoom-boing said:


> Since I'm the one who'd likely be dropped on their head  . . . yup!



Good point.


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## Phoenix (Jul 21, 2009)

Bootneck said:


> Jeez Eve! I've just burned 50 calories getting horny!



Just trying to help you out, Bootneck.


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## Coyote (Jul 21, 2009)

Eve said:


> Coyote said:
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> > okie dokie...
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Yikes...


I'm getting pretty dizzy here Eve!!!!!


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## Phoenix (Jul 21, 2009)

Coyote said:


> Yikes...
> 
> 
> I'm getting pretty dizzy here Eve!!!!!




Try it with the fan off, Coyote - that should help.  



Only pros do it with the fan still on.


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## JBeukema (Jul 21, 2009)

Eve said:


> Coyote said:
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> > Yikes...
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If she's small enough, you let her keep spinning...

it's why guys like asian girls


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## Phoenix (Jul 21, 2009)

JBeukema said:


> If she's small enough, you let her keep spinning...
> 
> it's why guys like asian girls




I'm pretty sure I don't want to know ...


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## JBeukema (Jul 21, 2009)

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*Urban Dictionary: spinner*
[/FONT]


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## Phoenix (Jul 21, 2009)

JBeukema said:


> [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*Urban Dictionary: spinner*
> [/FONT]



Again - ever the helpful fellow, JB.


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## xotoxi (Jul 21, 2009)

Eve said:


> Coyote said:
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> > okie dokie...
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This is what a redneck hangs from:







Just have to cut the deer down.


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## Coyote (Jul 21, 2009)

Eve said:


> Coyote said:
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> > Yikes...
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Now...you tell me.....errr.....









































(where's the switch?)


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## Coyote (Jul 21, 2009)

JBeukema said:


> Eve said:
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> > Coyote said:
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## Phoenix (Jul 21, 2009)

Coyote said:


> Now...you tell me.....errr.....
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> ...



I thought we were talking about hanging from the fans, not switching ...


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## Coyote (Jul 21, 2009)

xotoxi said:


> Eve said:
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Hey...that's lunch!


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## Coyote (Jul 21, 2009)

Eve said:


> Coyote said:
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> > Now...you tell me.....errr.....
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mmmmmm....we seem to be going in circles here.....


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## Phoenix (Jul 21, 2009)

xotoxi said:


> This is what a redneck hangs from:
> 
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> 
> ...



When we you at my house?  

You should have at least knocked on the door and said "hi" if you were in the neighborhood.  Snob.


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## Phoenix (Jul 21, 2009)

Coyote said:


> mmmmmm....we seem to be going in circles here.....




Uh-oh.  Don't even want to think about what JB's gonna come up with in response to that one ...  

And if you're still going in circles, the fan hasn't stopped.  Use the switch to hit the "off" lever.


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## Coyote (Jul 21, 2009)

Eve said:


> Coyote said:
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> > mmmmmm....we seem to be going in circles here.....
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welllll....






























(where's the switch?)


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## Phoenix (Jul 21, 2009)

Coyote said:


> welllll....
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Which switch?

The turn off switch or the turn on switch?


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## AVG-JOE (Jul 21, 2009)

xotoxi said:


> Eve said:
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> > 69 standing up - 112 Calories
> ...



That would depend on who is on top, wouldn't it?  

-Joe


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## AVG-JOE (Jul 21, 2009)

Eve said:


> Coyote said:
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> > okie dokie...
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				The Mean Old USMB Software said:
			
		

> You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Eve again.



Bummer, Dudette!


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## Phoenix (Jul 21, 2009)

AVG-JOE said:


> That would depend on who is on top, wouldn't it?
> 
> -Joe



Good point.


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## Bootneck (Jul 21, 2009)

AVG-JOE said:


> xotoxi said:
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> > Eve said:
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Well, if he's a real chubby and he's on top, he'd better be careful on the up-stroke. Could burn his arse on the lightbulb!


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## AVG-JOE (Jul 21, 2009)

Zoom-boing said:


> 69 -- standing up?  Better wear a helmet.



But not a face mask...


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## AVG-JOE (Jul 21, 2009)

Bootneck said:


> AVG-JOE said:
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Not if you're outdoors


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## AVG-JOE (Jul 21, 2009)

Bootneck said:


> Jeez Eve! I've just burned 50 calories getting horny!



Time for another beer!


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## AVG-JOE (Jul 21, 2009)

Zoom-boing said:


> Eve said:
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Quit bitching - at least you have a handle!


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## Coyote (Jul 21, 2009)

Eve said:


> Coyote said:
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The turn-on's uh...working pretty damn good...


in fact













forget about the switch


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## AVG-JOE (Jul 21, 2009)

JBeukema said:


> Eve said:
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Do you know what it's like to make love to a Chinese person?












Not too bad - but you're horny again in an hour!


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## Phoenix (Jul 21, 2009)

Coyote said:


> The turn-on's uh...working pretty damn good...
> 
> 
> in fact
> ...




Ok.  

But do you still need the whips?


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## AVG-JOE (Jul 21, 2009)

Eve said:


> Coyote said:
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> > Now...you tell me.....errr.....
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I don't care if you're ready to switch!  We're not done!!!


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## Phoenix (Jul 21, 2009)

AVG-JOE said:


> Do you know what it's like to make love to a Chinese person?
> 
> 
> 
> ...









IOU rep.


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## AVG-JOE (Jul 21, 2009)

Eve said:


> Coyote said:
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> > welllll....
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The switch to a mans heart hangs just below his stomach...


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## Phoenix (Jul 21, 2009)

AVG-JOE said:


> I don't care if you're ready to switch!  We're not done!!!



So, what?  Another 10 - 15 min., then switch?


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## Phoenix (Jul 21, 2009)

AVG-JOE said:


> The switch to a mans heart hangs just below his stomach...



Yep.  Just south of his belt buckle.


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## AVG-JOE (Jul 21, 2009)

Eve said:


> AVG-JOE said:
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> > I don't care if you're ready to switch!  We're not done!!!
> ...



Give us 20...... I'm old and she's happy!


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## JBeukema (Jul 21, 2009)

Eve said:


> Coyote said:
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> > The turn-on's uh...working pretty damn good...
> ...


[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1X5D2dEeBPw]YouTube - Famliy Guy Safe word is banana[/ame]


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## Phoenix (Jul 21, 2009)

AVG-JOE said:


> Give us 20...... I'm old and she's happy!



Make it sound better, Joe - you're experienced and she's ecstatic.


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## Phoenix (Jul 21, 2009)

JBeukema said:


> YouTube - Famliy Guy Safe word is banana



I like "kumquat" better.


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## Bootneck (Jul 21, 2009)

AVG-JOE said:


> Eve said:
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> > Coyote said:
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Only when it's in the 'off' position. When 'on' then it is above the stomach...well, for some of us, anyway.


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## Phoenix (Jul 21, 2009)

Bootneck said:


> Only when it's in the 'off' position. When 'on' then it is above the stomach...well, for some of us, anyway.






How you doin', Bootneck?   When, ummmm ... when do you plan on visiting the States?


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## Bootneck (Jul 21, 2009)

Eve said:


> Bootneck said:
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> > Only when it's in the 'off' position. When 'on' then it is above the stomach...well, for some of us, anyway.
> ...



It's on my itinerary.


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## DamnYankee (Jul 21, 2009)

Zoom-boing said:


> 69 -- standing up?  Better wear a helmet.



Just hold on _reallllll_ tight....


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## DamnYankee (Jul 21, 2009)

Coyote said:


> Eve said:
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You are talkin' to Eve ya know....


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## DamnYankee (Jul 21, 2009)

Bootneck said:


> AVG-JOE said:
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> You must spread some reputation around before giving it to Bootneck again



Sorry about that....  Course you know, it also depends on the size of the stomach!


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## DamnYankee (Jul 21, 2009)

Bootneck said:


> Eve said:
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NY's the first stop, right?


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## AVG-JOE (Jul 21, 2009)

Eve said:


> AVG-JOE said:
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> > Give us 20...... I'm old and she's happy!
> ...



I think we need some new blood in marketing....  Right up your alley, I'd say!

-Joe


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## AVG-JOE (Jul 21, 2009)

Eve said:


> JBeukema said:
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> > YouTube - Famliy Guy Safe word is banana
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As in "kum quiatly, my dear - this won't hurt a bit"?


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## random3434 (Jul 21, 2009)

Bootneck said:


> Eve said:
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> > Bootneck said:
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## AVG-JOE (Jul 21, 2009)

Bootneck said:


> AVG-JOE said:
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## AVG-JOE (Jul 21, 2009)

Bootneck said:


> Eve said:
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Does putting it on your itinerary make the damn thing droop below your belt line?  Yeah, me too...


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## DamnYankee (Jul 21, 2009)

AVG-JOE said:


> Bootneck said:
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Umm.... Sometimes ya just got to make appointments to fit 'em all in....


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## Bootneck (Jul 21, 2009)

ALLBizFR0M925 said:


> Bootneck said:
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Nah. Indianapolis.


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## JBeukema (Jul 21, 2009)

For eve...
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y04MHwwkrEE]YouTube - Messy & Alpha Shemale[/ame]


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## DamnYankee (Jul 21, 2009)

Bootneck said:


> ALLBizFR0M925 said:
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> > Bootneck said:
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Well thanks for the "heads up"!


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## alan1 (Jul 26, 2009)

Eve said:


> It's been known for years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now, for the first time in the Western World, here are the true caloric benefits of sex:
> 
> 
> Removing her clothes
> ...



You forgot a couple categories,

Masturbation (Men)

Lights turned off at night  70 Calories

Looking at porn on the internet - 82 Calories

Holding up a picture of (insert movie star here)  97 Calories

On the phone  110 Calories

While she watches  125 Calories

While she masturbates with you  131 Calories

Masturbation (Women)

1st orgasm  60 Calories

2nd orgasm  61 Calories

1st and 2nd orgasm with no time lapse between them  130 Calories

5 orgasms  295 Calories

9 orgasms  600 Calories

10 orgasms  670 Calories

15 orgasms  Lots of calories and Im jealous

20 orgasms  Holy crap, they can have that many?

>20 orgasms  I love you


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## Phoenix (Jul 26, 2009)

MountainMan said:


> You forgot a couple categories,
> 
> Masturbation (Men)
> 
> ...



I bet you say that to all the girls ... 




> You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to MountainMan again.


Bummer, MM.


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## DamnYankee (Jul 27, 2009)

Eve said:


> MountainMan said:
> 
> 
> > You forgot a couple categories,
> ...




That's cuz they don't burst his bubble by tellin' him that 18 of them were self-induced....


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## Phoenix (Jul 27, 2009)

ALLBizFR0M925 said:


> That's cuz they don't burst his bubble by tellin' him that 18 of them were self-induced....



Somehow I don't think that matters so much ...


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## Big Black Dog (Jul 27, 2009)

Damn it.  Now I have to go change my undies...


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## alan1 (Jul 27, 2009)

ALLBizFR0M925 said:


> Eve said:
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> > MountainMan said:
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It was about masturbation, that would indicate that *all *of them were self induced.


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