# Who can make Bootneck Laugh?



## random3434 (Apr 22, 2010)

*Recruit gone AWOL*

As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office. The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?"

The recruit replied, "My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR."


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## random3434 (Apr 22, 2010)

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.  "One Royal Marine is better than ten taliban". The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
    The voice then calls out "One Royal Marine is better than one hundred taliban". Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
    The voice calls out again "One Royal Marine is better than one thousand Taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
    Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's actually two of them."


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## Valerie (Apr 22, 2010)

Dana Carvey - Seriously, Dude | Dana Carvey | Jokes.com


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## Valerie (Apr 22, 2010)

Dana Carvey - Today's Dad | Dana Carvey | Jokes.com


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## Valerie (Apr 22, 2010)

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZsBmoJfv2Vs&feature=PlayList&p=0273D666DB8031F9&playnext_from=PL&index=0&playnext=1]YouTube - Military Humor[/ame]


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## xsited1 (Apr 22, 2010)

I just dropped my pants.


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## uscitizen (Apr 22, 2010)

xsited1 said:


> I just dropped my pants.



We are not trying to make him nauseous.


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## random3434 (Apr 22, 2010)

*Taxes*

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." 
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."


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## Valerie (Apr 22, 2010)

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puMz1Q3E000]YouTube - Robin Williams - Bush & Obama - we are most amused, london[/ame]


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## Conspiracist (Apr 22, 2010)

Dear God,
This year you have taken from me my favorite actor, Patrick Swayzee.

You took my Favorite model/actress Farah Fawcett

You saw fit to take away an all time favorite singer/performer Michael Jackson.

God, I just wanted to let you know that Barrack Obama is my all time favorite president.


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## Bootneck (Apr 22, 2010)

xsited1 said:


> I just dropped my pants.



That ain't funny!


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## Bootneck (Apr 22, 2010)

Valerie said:


> YouTube - Robin Williams - Bush & Obama - we are most amused, london



I love that man!


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## Bootneck (Apr 22, 2010)

I'm minging and I'm laughing. But now it's time for me to retire gracefully. I'm feeling peckish too, so if any of you ladies would be prepared to cook my sock just holler.


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## random3434 (Apr 22, 2010)

*Blonde Breathalizer Test*

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works. 

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?" 

"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. 

"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop. 

"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. 

"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. 

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?" 

"Yes." replied the officer 

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher 

"Uh... yes." replied the cop. 

"Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants." 

"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop. 

"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher. 

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. 

The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......"


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## Bootneck (Apr 22, 2010)

Lol!


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## random3434 (Apr 22, 2010)

Bootneck said:


> Lol!



I thought you'd like that one!


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## SFC Ollie (Apr 22, 2010)

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"


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## jillian (Apr 22, 2010)

One day, a minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike. It was very hot.

They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize.


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## LuckyDan (Apr 22, 2010)

Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.

The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.

Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."


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## xsited1 (Apr 22, 2010)

This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?" "Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel.

She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?" The guy says,

"Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."


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## mudwhistle (Apr 22, 2010)

A rancher is working by one of his fields and a black sedan pulls up and a man in a suit and tie gets out. He quickly walks to the fence surrounding the field and begins to climb over.

The rancher shouts to him *"YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!!!"*

The suited man climbs down and briskly walks up to the rancher pulling out a wallet containing a badge. *"I'm a agent for the IRS and this badge says I can do whatever the hell I want Mister....and you can't stop me. I wanna see what you've got in your field. I wanna see if you're hiding property from the United States Government."
*
The rancher steps back and says nothing to which the agents says *"yeah...that's right. Be a good little man and shut up."*

The agent scrambles over the fence and quickly walks over the bluff. After a few moments a loud scream is heard. Before long the agent comes running red-faced at top speed with the biggest..meanest bull you'd ever want to see hot on his heels...blowing snot and throwing up huge clumps of sod behind him. 

Seeing this the rancher couldn't resist the opportunity. 

He says *"Hey asshole....show him your badge!!!!"*


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## Valerie (Apr 22, 2010)

Bootneck said:


> Valerie said:
> 
> 
> > YouTube - Robin Williams - Bush & Obama - we are most amused, london
> ...






Good to know!  




[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IG3LgusJ3Q]YouTube - Robin Williams (Weapons of Self Destruction) - 10 years[/ame]


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## Valerie (Apr 22, 2010)

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpVIkacLXEI&feature=related]YouTube - Robin Williams Weapons of self destruction Part 2[/ame]


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## JW Frogen (Apr 23, 2010)

As a former squid this violates the very cells of my sea horse body, but I don't want to make him laugh. When Marines laugh sparrows fall from the sky.

I just want to thank him.

You guys are doing all right by me.

And I will be sure to let my children know what you did for us.


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## JW Frogen (Apr 23, 2010)

Still, if you need a good laugh I have some stories about when I was Seabee training with the Marines with night vision goggles.

To my mind, in your down time in war, masturbation is man's best friend.

 Admit it, come clean.


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## California Girl (Apr 23, 2010)

Frank Sinatra - Strangers on my flight


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## California Girl (Apr 23, 2010)

In the interests of recognizing the internationality of those who fight side by side for freedom (ooorah), this is what happens when the multinational partners get some R&R. 

When the troops hit the beach.........

&#8226; The Royal Marines go fishing.
&#8226; The US Marines wait for CNN to arrive.
&#8226; The French don't care whose beach it is; it's French territory now, and say the English gave them no other choice.
&#8226; The Canadians watch the Americans very closely, then offer to guard their landing strip.
&#8226; The Dutch have a beach party and smoke some dope saying the English don't understand them.
&#8226; The Italians go sunbathing.
&#8226; The Germans land and build a car factory.
&#8226; The West Indians go looking for the Dutch.
&#8226; The Austrians just watch the Russians and Germans.
&#8226; The Chinese win the natives hearts and minds then kill them.
&#8226; The SEALs arrive after dark and kill anyone who is not a SEAL.
&#8226; The Aussies and Kiwis land then start fighting each other over a sheep.
&#8226; The South Americans send a contingent of 2000 generals.
&#8226; The South Africans start shooting at anyone with a tan.
&#8226; The Saudi's start drilling for oil.
&#8226; The Russians open a chain of massage parlours.
&#8226; The Brit airborne troops get charged with murder even though they have not opened fire yet.
&#8226; The Spanish are late.
&#8226; The Portuguese are late but blame the Spaniards.
&#8226; Delta Force makes a movie about the landing.
&#8226; The Greeks and Turks turn up then send a bill to the Yanks and Brits.
&#8226; The British Army cannot come because all six of them have flu.
&#8226; The Japanese don't know who owns what ships and decide to sink them all.
&#8226; The Californian National Guard contingent won't land until someone opens a Starbucks.
&#8226; The New Yorkers paint their Amtrak's yellow and will take you ashore for 50 bucks.
&#8226; The Irish Army will be late because they say they are still celebrating St. Patrick's Day.
&#8226; The Israeli's start building a kibbutz and shell the Palestinians as a precaution.
&#8226; The Scandinavians like it off shore and stay there killing whales for the Japanese.
&#8226; The Polish tunnel under the beach looking for coal.
&#8226; The Palestinians say it used to be theirs but the English gave it away.
&#8226; The Oklahomans have no damn idea what a beach is.
&#8226; The Scottish claim to have found the beach first but accuse the English of stealing it.
&#8226; The Texans look for anyone bad mouthing them.
&#8226; The Mexicans invade Arizona by mistake.
&#8226; The Welsh say it's King Arthur's last resting place but the English stole it.
&#8226; The Swiss apply for a bank charter.
&#8226; The Lybians blow up two UN planes.
&#8226; The UN will send an Ambassador if the member states pay their dues.
&#8226; The Kentuckians open a KFC.
&#8226; The Panamanians ask the U.S. what they should do.
&#8226; The Floridians demand a recount and free Prozac.
&#8226; The EU want to set up a commission of 50,000 administrators paid for by the English.
&#8226; The Swedes just want to screw.
&#8226; The Michigan contingent issue a safety recall and sue General Motors.
&#8226; The Matell Corp. sends 10,000 GI Joe's and one Barbie.
&#8226; Some guy from Tennessee swears that Elvis and Jimmy Dean are just over the dunes.
&#8226; The Romanians and Albanians finally arrive and surrender.
&#8226; The Coloradans cut off the Kansan's water supply.
&#8226; H. M. The Queen will give anyone a Knighthood if they can grab her a few hundred acres or find a job for Charles.
&#8226; The New Hampshire contingent declares that everyone there is Sooooo Cruel and open a soup kitchen.
&#8226; The North Koreans have no idea what is going on but blame America anyway.
&#8226; Washington State NG builds a monument to Bill Gates.
&#8226; The Pakistanis build a Motel Six, a convenience store and gas station.
&#8226; Jimmy Carter arrives and declares peace.
&#8226; George W. Bush doesn't know where the island is, so he orders the U.S. Airforce to bomb Hawaii. 
&#8226; Obama accepts the Nobel Prize for Beach Peace and tells the combined troops that he hopes to change the world and turns their beer into water- yet another good idea that he fucks up.
&#8226; When CCN arrive, the USMC run up and down the beach, chanting "everywhere we go, we are movitivated. Everywhere we go, we are dedicated. We're motivated, we're dedicated. To the Corps. My Corps. Your Corps. Our Corps. Marine Corps"
 &#8226; While the USMC are performing for the cameras, one brave Royal Marine, known as Bootneck, does a commando raid and steals their kit.


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## mudwhistle (Apr 23, 2010)

JW Frogen said:


> Still, if you need a good laugh I have some stories about when I was Seabee training with the Marines with night vision goggles.
> 
> To my mind, in your down time in war, masturbation is man's best friend.
> 
> Admit it, come clean.



I remember when I made a promise to God that if he would just let me come back alive I would promise not to abuse my privates.


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## California Girl (Apr 23, 2010)

Two widows, are talking at the Bowling Alley. Martha says, "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." 

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M. Dressed up like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs and what's there but a beautiful car. . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. 

Then he takes me out for dinner. . .marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! 

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL!!! Completely crazy. He tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times! He's a retired Marine!" 

Martha: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him? 

Edna says, "Lord no! Definitely go out with him. Just wear an old dress."


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## mudwhistle (Apr 23, 2010)

California Girl said:


> Two widows, are talking at the Bowling Alley. Martha says, "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
> 
> Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M. Dressed up like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs and what's there but a beautiful car. . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
> 
> ...



Preferably something that you can get easy access with. Maybe one of those Hoe-dresses that shows off your butt.


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## random3434 (Apr 23, 2010)

An English expat is hanging out in his favourite bar in Phuket, thinking about his wretched life, when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly tourist. He asks the bartender about her and is not surprised to discover that shes a prostitute. 

He watches her for the rest of the night, thinking he has to get a piece of the action, but being English hes a bit bashful, does nothing and thus goes home frustrated. 

The next night he goes back to the same bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. 

The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. 
"Is it true youre a prostitute?" "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?" 
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?" "I get US$100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there." "US$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?!!" 

"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough theres a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. 

"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, its worth it." 

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience hes ever had. This hand job 
was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life. 

The next night hes back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!" 

"Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blow jobs." 

"How much is that?" "US$500" 

"US$500!?! Cmon, thats ridiculous!" 

"You see that apartment building across the street?" 

The guy looks out front at a 6 storey apartment building. 

"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, its worth it." 

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He faints. Eight times. 

The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. 

"Im hooked, youre the best! Tell me, whatll it cost me for some pussy?" 

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street. 
"You see that 150 storey skyscraper over there..." 

"Aw, cmon! You cant be serious!" 

She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a p*ssy, Id own it."


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## Phoenix (Apr 23, 2010)

Can we just make him grin, blush and do his version of "Awwww, shucks. It weren't nothin'."?


_Wherever I go,
everyone is a little bit safer because I am there.

Wherever I am,
anyone in need has a friend.

*Whenever I return home,
everyone is happy I am there.*_

To our friend, Bootneck.


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## random3434 (Apr 23, 2010)

Making tea, yummy! 


[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuDt8ekl-o8&feature=related]YouTube - afghanistan brew - making tea for the Marines in Afghanistan[/ame]


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## Bootneck (Apr 23, 2010)

JW Frogen said:


> As a former squid this violates the very cells of my sea horse body, but I don't want to make him laugh. When Marines laugh sparrows fall from the sky.
> 
> I just want to thank him.
> 
> ...



JW I'm sorry to disappoint you. I think you're one of the funniest blokes on here. Whenever I come across one of your posts I'm pretty much guaranteed a good laugh. Sorry about that pal.

Thank you JW for those kind words. They mean a lot.


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## random3434 (Apr 23, 2010)

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3XNFXsqjaI&feature=related]YouTube - What we Royal Marines really do in spare time[/ame]


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## Bootneck (Apr 23, 2010)

JW Frogen said:


> Still, if you need a good laugh I have some stories about when I was Seabee training with the Marines with night vision goggles.
> 
> To my mind, in your down time in war, masturbation is man's best friend.
> 
> Admit it, come clean.



Well, OK. But she must have warm hands!


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## Phoenix (Apr 23, 2010)

Is it true that y'all are issued these shirts now?  Or were they your own idea?  






Then there's the other one that the Marine's woman gets:


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## JW Frogen (Apr 23, 2010)

mudwhistle said:


> I remember when I made a promise to God that if he would just let me come back alive I would promise not to abuse my privates.



You didn't keep that promise, did you?

When it comes to promises about playing with the private parts always put some fine print in the contract.


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## California Girl (May 11, 2010)

There's some funny shit in this thread.


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## Colin (May 11, 2010)

Singing cats on the rooftop, cats on the tiles, 
Cats with the clap and cats with the piles, 
Cats with their arses wreathed in smiles, 
As they revel in the joys of fornication. 

When you wake up in the morn with the devil of a stand, 
From the pressure of the liquid on the seminary gland, 
If you haven't got a woman use you own horny hand, 
As you revel in the joys of masturbation. 

The Regimental Sergeant Major leads a miserable life, 
He can't afford a mistress and he doesn't have a wife, 
So he puts it up the bottom of the Regimental Fife, 
As he revels in the joys of fornication. 

The ostrich on the pampas is a solitary chick, 
Without the opportunity to dip its wick, 
But whenever it does it slips in thick, 
As he revels in the joys of fornication. 

The elephant's dong is big and round, 
A small one weighs a thousand pound, 
Two together shake the ground, 
As they revel in the joys of fornication. 

The oyster is a paragon of purity, 
And you can't tell the he from the she, 
But he can tell and so can she, 
As they revel in the joys of fornication. 

The donkey is a lonely bloke, 
He hardly ever gets a poke, 
But when he does he lets it soak, 
As he revels in the joys of fornication. 

The hippopotamus so it seems, 
Rarely, if ever, has wet dreams, 
But when he does he comes in streams, 
As he revels in the joys of fornication. 

The camel likes to have his fun, 
His night is made when he is done, 
He always gets two humps for one, 
As he revels in the joys of fornication. 

The flea cavorts among the trees, 
And there consorts with whom he please, 
To fill the land with bastard fleas, 
As he revels in the joys of fornication. 

The ape is small and rather slow, 
Erect he stands a foot or so, 
So when he comes it's time to go, 
As he revels in the joys of fornication. 

The orangutan is a colorful sight, 
There's a glow on its arse likke a pilot light, 
As it jumps and it leaps in  the night, 
As he revels in the joys of fornication. 

Long-legged curates grind like goats, 
Pale-faced spinsters shag like stoats, 
And the whole damn works stands by and gloats, 
As they revel in the joys of fornication. 

A thousand verses all in rhyme, 
To sit and sing them seems a crime, 
When we could better spend our time, 
Revelling in the joys of fornication.


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## random3434 (May 12, 2010)

On their way to getting married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'


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## sigmundjohn (Jun 11, 2010)

Hi.....,

It was a very nice joke. Keep on going...


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## PatekPhilippe (Jun 11, 2010)

Here's one for ya....
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylsz9_Pwkww&feature=related]YouTube - Military Bloopers[/ame]


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## PatekPhilippe (Jun 11, 2010)

Damn Yanks!!!!!!!  Think they know everything!!!!!
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZD62OhaDTI&feature=related]YouTube - One of the worst navy accident ever![/ame]


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## Mr.Fitnah (Jun 11, 2010)

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for lunch.  Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good, the wine selection was good also, and the waiters were cute.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet, the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean, and the waiters were sweet boys.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible, they even had an elevator, and the waiters were kindly.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.


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## ConHog (Jun 11, 2010)

PatekPhilippe said:


> Damn Yanks!!!!!!!  Think they know everything!!!!!
> YouTube - One of the worst navy accident ever!



That's funny


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## kurtsprincess (Jun 11, 2010)

Loved this thread!!!


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## Colin (Jun 11, 2010)

Three mates are walking to the pub, one Bootneck and two Matelots. When crossing the road to get to the pub a speeding car runs over and kills the Royal. The Police turn up and ask the jacks the name of the deceased, they say 'I don't know', the cop asks them if they knew where he lived, they say 'I don't know. The copper is getting fed up and says, 'Do you know anything about this bloke' and one jack says 'Well he's got two arseholes', the cop says, 'How do you know that?' and the matelot says, 'Well every time we go into the pub the barman always says, here's that bootneck with the two arseholes.'


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## Valerie (Jun 12, 2010)

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLI0MEc_CJ4&feature=related]YouTube - Time Traveling with Craig Ferguson, 4.19[/ame]


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## SFC Ollie (Jun 12, 2010)

A frog hops into a bank and tells the teller Whose name he notices is Patricia Whack that he would like a loan for $30,000.

The teller asks the frog his name and he says he is Froggy Jagger, son of Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones.

The teller looking doubtful says that he would have to put up some sort of collateral.

The frog pulls out this small pink elephant perfectly rounded and obviously of porcelain and good quality. The frog hands it to the teller and says "besides I know the bank manager."

At this the teller picks up the elephant and says she will be right back as now she must speak with the manager.

She goes into the managers office and explains everything that had transpired thus far.

The manager thinks for a moment and then says:

(I hope you're ready for this)


"It's a nic nac Patty Whack
Give the Frog a loan
His old man is a rolling Stone."


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## syrenn (Jun 12, 2010)

I dont know who bootneck is or why we are supposed to make him laugh. I bet this works  











(hope im not breaking any rules posting a pic like this )


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## random3434 (Jun 12, 2010)

syrenn said:


> I dont know who bootneck is or why we are supposed to make him laugh. I bet this works
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Don't worry, he would laugh his ass off at that pic, then say something funny about those being her balloons that got her all the way up there or something like that............


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## California Girl (Jun 12, 2010)

http://www.usmessageboard.com/the-flame-zone/120542-jeny-eliza.html

If this doesn't make Boot laugh, nothing will.


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## syrenn (Jun 12, 2010)

Echo Zulu said:


> syrenn said:
> 
> 
> > I dont know who bootneck is or why we are supposed to make him laugh. I bet this works
> ...



She brought her own life vest or is she is trying to help the saudies along with their breast feeding fatwa?


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## ConHog (Jun 13, 2010)

A navy C130 is flying over the ocean and ends up ditching at seas. There are only 3 survivors , a Recon Marine, an Airborne Ranger, and a Navy SEAL. They make their way to an island, where they are promptly captured by a local tribe.

After 3 days The Chief approaches their cell and announces that they are guilty of trespassing on holy land and they must face their punishment.

He points to the Ranger and say you must choose between unga bunga and death. The Ranger doesn't have a clue what unga bunga is but figures it must be better than death, so he chooses unga bunga

Are you sure asks the chief. yes answers the Ranger. "Unga Bunga" shouts the chief to which 10 native men grab the Ranger and take turns butt fucking him for an hour. After which they give him a canoe and point him towards home.

The next day the chief again approaches the cell and this time points at the SEAL, you must choose, death or unga bunga. Well of course the SEAL knows what to expect but still figurs well its better than death. So he says "I'll take unga bunga" Are you sure replies the chieif. Yes. So the Chief yells out "unga bunga" at which 20 young natives grab the SEAL and ass rape him for 2 hours , after which they put him in a canoe and point him toward home.

The next morning the chief approaches the lone remaining man, the Marine. Well, I supposed you will chooose unga bunga as well he asks the marine. THe marine stands up as straight as he can and says "semper fi, i choose death" 

The chief eyeballs him and says are you absolutely sure? The marine look him dead in the eye and says yes. The chief shrugs and says so be it.

Then he bellows out DEATH.................................................



                                                  BY UNGA BUNGA


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## PatekPhilippe (Jun 13, 2010)

syrenn said:


> I dont know who bootneck is or why we are supposed to make him laugh. I bet this works
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Ah...so now we see where those Imams get the earthquake scenarion for women having sex.  It's all quite clear now...
"Hey Abdullah...check out those jugs!!!!!  I'd like to shove my disco stick right between those!!!!"
"No shit Aqmed...if she swung those and hit the Kaaba the earthquake would destroy Mecca!!!"


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## Mr.Fitnah (Jun 23, 2010)

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship    
holding her hat tight    
so that it would not blow away in the wind.. 


A gentleman approached her and said,    
"Pardon me, madam.    
I do not intend to be forward    
but did you know that your dress    
is blowing up in this high wind?" 


"Yes, I know," said the lady.    
"I need both my hands    
to hold onto this hat." 

"But madam, you must know that you are    
not wearing any panties    
and your privates are exposed!"    
said the gentleman in earnest. 

The woman looked down,    
then back up at the man    
and replied,    
"Sir, anything you see down there    
is 85 years old.    
I just    bought this hat yesterday!"


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## syrenn (Jun 23, 2010)

How is bootneck doing anyway? Is he laughing yet?


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## SFC Ollie (Jun 23, 2010)

This will make him laugh, or groan.

(from email)


>     NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
>     (1) Fine :   This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
>      
>      
>     (2) Five Minutes:   If she is getting dressed, this means one-half hour.  Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
>      
>      
>     (3) Nothing :   This is the calm before the storm.  This means something, and you should be on your toes.  Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
>      
>      
>     (4) Go Ahead:   This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
>      
>      
>     (5) Loud Sigh:   This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.  A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.  (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
>      
>      
>     (6) That's Okay:   This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
>      
>      
>     (7) Thanks :   A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint.. Just say you're welcome.  (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.  DO NOT say 'you're welcome' -- that will bring on a 'whatever'.)
>      
>      
>     (8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying Screw YOU!
>      
>      
>     (9) Don't worry about it, I've got it:   Another dangerous statement , meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.


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## Mr.Fitnah (Jun 25, 2010)

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.


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## Colin (Jun 26, 2010)

Oy! Gravel belly! Stick this in your pipe! 


Royal Marine dies in an accident and goes to heaven. He arrives at the pearly gates and waits his turn, eventually he gets to the front of the line and Saint Peter checks his name off and informs him he is allowed into heaven' Before he walks in he asks Saint Peter if there are any paras in heaven as if this was the case he didn't want to enter as he couldn't stand the buggers. Saint Peter informs the Royal Marine that there were, in fact, no Paras in heaven, so in he trots.

The Marine is having a great time wandering around and settles down in a clearing of tropical plants watching really nice angels of the female variety taking a swim when suddenly bushes part, a guy wearing a bergen and a maroon beret marches right over the top of him, keeps going and disappears into the undergrowth.

The Marine yomps back to the entrance to heaven and lands one on Saint Peter, who still stunned from the blow asks what he had done to deserve such a punch, the Marine reminds him that he had told him that there were no Paras in heaven, Saint Peter replies... 

'There aren't ...that was God he likes to think he's airborne!'


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## Ringel05 (Jun 26, 2010)

Modern British Dentistry.


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## boedicca (Jun 26, 2010)

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde (all pregnant) are sitting in the waiting room at the OB/Gyn's office.   They start discussing what the genders of their babies will be:

The redhead says, "I always have sex on the bottom and I heard if you do that you'll have a girl."

The brunette says, "I always have sex on top so I'm going to have a boy."

The blonde ponders this for a minute then begins sobbing. "Oh no! I'm going to have puppies!"


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## JW Frogen (Jun 27, 2010)

Why do the Taliban seclude and oppress women?

Because they do not want gossip about the size of their dicks.

*That is not a joke, it is a sociological fact I do not intend to research or prove.


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## Mr.Fitnah (Jul 1, 2010)

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. 

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. 
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. 

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." 

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"


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## SFC Ollie (Jul 1, 2010)

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-5d5IfdYK4]YouTube - But I Could Be Wrong[/ame]


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## LuckyDan (Jul 5, 2010)

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum  chum?
Guy:  What do you think?  I'm in hell.
Demon:  Hell's not so bad.  We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy:  Sure,  I love to drink.  Love the drinks.
Demon:  Well you're gonna love Mondays then.  On  Mondays that's all we do is drink.  Whiskey,  tequila,  Guinness,  wine coolers,  diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy:  Gee that sounds great.

Demon:  You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!  Love the smoking.
Demon:  Alright!  You're gonna love Tuesdays.  We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out.  If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy:  Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon:  I bet you like to gamble.
Guy:  Why  yes  as a matter of fact  I do.  Love the gambling.
Demon:  Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want.  Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever...  If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.

Demon:   You into drugs?
Guy:  Are you kidding?  Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon:  That's right!  Thursday is drug day.  Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack.  Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares!  O.D.!!
Guy:  Yowza!  I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!

Demon: You gay?
Guy:  Uh  no.

Demon:  Ooooh  (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.


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## Valerie (Aug 31, 2011)

http://www.usmessageboard.com/gener...ave-a-message-for-bootneck-3.html#post4078046





[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRie_cRxFfY&feature=related]Robin Williams - Impersonation of a Smart Kid - YouTube[/ame]


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## Valerie (Aug 31, 2011)

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0WsnKQCax8&feature=related]Jesus&#39; Life - YouTube[/ame]


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## Valerie (Aug 31, 2011)

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcnFbCCgTo4]Robin Willims - Golf (full version) - YouTube[/ame]


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## SFC Ollie (Aug 31, 2011)

Breaking News


At an airshow yesterday an aircraft was totally out of control. The pilot had nothing, he had lost all control of speed and direction. The aircraft crashed into four separate buildings. Imagine the horror the occupants of those buildings felt..........
























Probably scared the shit out of them.


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## BREDNAMERICA (Aug 31, 2011)

Echo Zulu said:


> A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.  "One Royal Marine is better than ten taliban". The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
> The voice then calls out "One Royal Marine is better than one hundred taliban". Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
> The voice calls out again "One Royal Marine is better than one thousand Taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
> Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's actually two of them."


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## BREDNAMERICA (Aug 31, 2011)

PatekPhilippe said:


> Here's one for ya....
> YouTube - Military Bloopers



WELL DONE


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## Valerie (Aug 31, 2011)

I'm so stuck on Robin Williams because Bootneck said he loved his humor and I don't know about anyone else but I am cracking up over here!  


[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inbhtK80LBc&feature=related]Robin Williams on Football - YouTube[/ame]


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## Valerie (Aug 31, 2011)

Dana Carvey As Bush - Video


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## Valerie (Aug 31, 2011)

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvkBlIpLEgs&feature=related]This guy does the greatest impressions - YouTube[/ame]


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## Valerie (Aug 31, 2011)

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RN3Z9ffvTyo&feature=related]Hot Girl + Awesome Celebrity Impressions - YouTube[/ame]


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## Colin (Sep 1, 2011)

I often got asked why I chose to join the Paras instead of the Royal Marines. The answer was quite simple.

Before I joined up I pretended I was a Para on 3 nights out and as a result I had a relationship with 3 of the most stunning women in the world.

I pretended to be a Royal Marine once and I STILL can't get the guy to stop calling!


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## Colin (Sep 1, 2011)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," He responded. 

"Oh, killing any?" She asked. 

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell? 

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."


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## Valerie (Aug 13, 2014)

Valerie said:


> I'm so stuck on Robin Williams because Bootneck said he loved his humor and I don't know about anyone else but I am cracking up over here!
> 
> 
> Robin Williams on Football - YouTube



^


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## Valerie (Aug 13, 2014)

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLtPp_xIpC4]Robin Williams on Alcoholics - YouTube[/ame]


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## AquaAthena (Aug 13, 2014)

random3434 said:


> *Recruit gone AWOL*
> 
> As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office. The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?"
> 
> The recruit replied, "My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR."



I miss you, EZ.    You were a 10, Mod.


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## Valerie (Aug 13, 2014)

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KW2jSLuHlz4]Robin Williams! Destroys President Bush - YouTube[/ame]


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