# Polyamory:  Inside An Open Marriage



## Cecilie1200 (Sep 15, 2010)

I ran across this article while looking for something else online, and thought it might make an interesting topic for discussion.

". . . "Ethical non-monogamy" or "polyamory" (literally translated as "many loves") means having loving, intimate relationships with more than one person with the full consent of everyone involved.

The phenomenon is on the rise in North America, including among midlife couples seeking new sexual adventures and emotional connections after being with the same partner for many years. Some believe this type of marriage has such broad appeal that over the next decade it will become accepted as a viable lifestyle choice. A recent Newsweek report, noting an estimated 500,000 Americans are practising polyamory, proposed that it could be "the next sexual revolution." And in Canada, there are online polyamory support groups in every province . . ."

Polyamory: Inside an open marriage - Deciding to try polyamory - More magazine

The story opens with a description of a married couple which opened to include a female friend of the wife whose husband had recently passed away.

It goes on to include descriptions of what polyamorous marriages are like and how they are developed, written by two authors with new books on the market, _Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by New York sex educator and writer Tristan Taormino and Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage by Jenny Block_.

Discuss.


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## dilloduck (Sep 15, 2010)

If there are books telling me how to do something, it's too complicated.


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## Cecilie1200 (Sep 15, 2010)

dilloduck said:


> If there are books telling me how to do something, it's too complicated.



I hate to break it to you, but there are myriad books telling you how to conduct a regular, monogamous marriage.


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## Cecilie1200 (Sep 16, 2010)

So apparently, Newsweek did a story on this in late July.

Polyamory: The Next Sexual Revolution? - Newsweek

What I thought was interesting was what they had to say about children.

"Anecdotally, research shows that children can do well in poly familiesas long as they're in a stable home with loving parents, says Elisabeth Sheff, a sociologist at Georgia State University, who is conducting the first large-scale study of children of poly parents, which has been ongoing for a decade."

So basically, it's still - always - about the parents and the family.


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## William Joyce (Sep 21, 2010)

More perversion designed to destroy the traditional family unit, which the rock of society.  Bottom line is that however fun this may sound, it doesn't work.  People just don't like the idea of their spouse fucking other people.  It creates heavy tension and division in a marriage.

Funny, polygamists practice "polyamory", but nobody calls them "revolutionary", just backward and weird.  Anyway, the women who escape these marriages invariably describe them as horrible.  The jealousy is intense.


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## Cecilie1200 (Sep 21, 2010)

William Joyce said:


> More perversion designed to destroy the traditional family unit, which the rock of society.  Bottom line is that however fun this may sound, it doesn't work.  People just don't like the idea of their spouse fucking other people.  It creates heavy tension and division in a marriage.
> 
> Funny, polygamists practice "polyamory", but nobody calls them "revolutionary", just backward and weird.  Anyway, the women who escape these marriages invariably describe them as horrible.  The jealousy is intense.



Um, dude, polygamists and polyamorists are the same people.  I think what you MEANT to say was "splinter Mormon groups", or "religious cults", which are something else entirely.

I realize that, given who I'm talking to, this is wasted effort, but has it occurred to you that you have an inappropriately America-centric view of humanity?  You simply assume that the way American society is and has been throughout its rather short history is the norm for all human society throughout history, and it isn't true.  Hell, American society isn't even the norm for the world right at this moment.


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## Cecilie1200 (Sep 24, 2010)

'Sister Wives' Brings A Real-Life 'Big Love' Family To TLC - ABC News

Is it just me, or is this for some reason just a HUGE topic lately?  Although I have to wonder why TLC thought they had to go with a "fundamentalist Mormon family" to get a reality show about a polygamist family, since there are apparently thousands of them in America who AREN'T Mormon at all, and aren't doing it for religious reasons.

_The series will follow the fundamentalist Mormon family of Kody Brown and his four "sister wives"Meri, Janelle, Christine, and their new wife, Robyn. Together, they have 13 children living in a Utah apartment building. 

The newest addition to the family, Robyn, explained their living situation to RadarOnline:

"There are three in one home with separate apartments and I'm separate right now.  We're hoping to be all in one home. I felt like the secretiveness of the society has been a little bit dangerous for the society, as well as the public. This is part of our reason for essentially coming out. This is a story that needs to be told. I think that by simply telling this story and not getting into prejudices it actually helps the society to understand." 

Polygamy is illegal, but Kody explained that his family isn't breaking any laws since, "It's one legal marriage and the rest are commitment marriages."_


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## Ravi (Sep 24, 2010)

Marriage problems, Cesspool?


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## meggiemom (Dec 30, 2013)

I'm a 37 yo married mom in an open marriage and in a relationship that includes my sister, her husband, my sisters lover and my 22 yo daughter.


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## Pennywise (Dec 30, 2013)

meggiemom said:


> I'm a 37 yo married mom in an open marriage and in a relationship that includes my sister, her husband, my sisters lover and my 22 yo daughter.



You must be really happy.


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## hjmick (Dec 30, 2013)

meggiemom said:


> I'm a 37 yo married mom in an open marriage and in a relationship that includes my sister, her husband, my sisters lover and my 22 yo daughter.




Sure you are...


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## BDBoop (Dec 30, 2013)

I think Bill and Hillary have an open marriage.


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## Zoom-boing (Dec 30, 2013)

meggiemom said:


> I'm a 37 yo married mom in an open marriage and in a relationship that includes my sister, her husband, my sisters lover and my 22 yo daughter.



Ew.


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## Delta4Embassy (Dec 30, 2013)

Cecilie1200 said:


> I ran across this article while looking for something else online, and thought it might make an interesting topic for discussion.
> 
> ". . . "Ethical non-monogamy" or "polyamory" (literally translated as "many loves") means having loving, intimate relationships with more than one person with the full consent of everyone involved.
> 
> ...



Correlations between monogamy and violence are well-documented (Prescott et al.) Because of how often monogamous relationships fail, opening relationships up from the start is better. It prevents cheating and dishonesty, and accepts the reality that few people will be satisfied their entire lives with just one sexual partner. 

The problem though, is in a monogamous society like the USA, because everything is geared towards monogamy, trying a more polyamorous relationship model doesn't often work because people have more mongamous 'overhead' and experience than poly. Like learning a second language as an adult vs as a child. The child often does better not having as much overhead with their primary language. So statistics showing how poly relationships aren't much better is because the culture hasn't had them depicted alongside monogamy as a valid alternative. 

"Extramarital Sex

I also examined the influence of extramarital sex taboos upon crime and violence. The data clearly indicates that punitive-repressive attitudes toward extramarital sex are also linked with physical violence, personal crime, and the practice of slavery. Societies which value monogamy emphasize military glory and worship aggressive gods.

These cross-cultural data support the view of psychologists and sociologists who feel that sexual and psychological needs not being fulfilled within a marriage should be met outside of it, without destroying the primacy of the marriage relationship."

"Another way of looking at the reciprocal relationship between violence and pleasure is to examine a society's choice of drugs. A society will support behaviors that are consistent with its values and social mores. U.S. society is a competitive, aggressive, and violent society. Consequently, it supports drugs that fa-

p. 15, November 1975, Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists

cilitate competitive, aggressive, and violent behaviors and opposes drugs that counteract such behaviors. Alcohol is well known to facilitate the expression of violent behaviors, and, although addicting and very harmful to chronic users, is acceptable to U.S. society. Marijuana, on the other hand, is an active pleasure-inducing drug which enhances the pleasure of touch and actively inhibits violent-aggressive behaviors. It is for these reasons, I believe that marijuana is rejected in U.S. society. For similar reasons heroin is rejected and methadone (an addicting drug minus the pleasure) is accepted."

Article: Body Pleasure and the Origins of Violence


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## Samson (Dec 30, 2013)

Zoom-boing said:


> meggiemom said:
> 
> 
> > I'm a 37 yo married mom in an open marriage and in a relationship that includes my sister, her husband, my sisters lover and my 22 yo daughter.
> ...




What?

No Octopus?


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## Cecilie1200 (Dec 30, 2013)

meggiemom said:


> I'm a 37 yo married mom in an open marriage and in a relationship that includes my sister, her husband, my sisters lover and my 22 yo daughter.



. . . I'm going to have to go with "Ewwww."


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## Cecilie1200 (Dec 30, 2013)

BDBoop said:


> I think Bill and Hillary have an open marriage.



I suspect they probably do.  I always got the impression their marriage was more about a political teamwork scenario than a romantic soulmate deal . . . which is perfectly fine.  That sort of marriage was the norm a lot longer than this whole "Oooh, he makes my toes tingle" method we use now, and I suspect society was better for it.


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## Samson (Dec 30, 2013)

BDBoop said:


> I think Bill and Hillary have an open marriage.




EEWWWWWwwww.....


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## Cecilie1200 (Dec 30, 2013)

Delta4Embassy said:


> Cecilie1200 said:
> 
> 
> > I ran across this article while looking for something else online, and thought it might make an interesting topic for discussion.
> ...



I don't know how well humans are wired for polyamory, to be honest.  Maybe we just don't multitask well, or we're basically selfish pricks at heart, but we do seem to gravitate toward the simpler monogamous model.  Even in cultures where polygamy is accepted, it's usually not the majority.

That being said, polyamorous people - not the crazed religious kind, but the more mainstream ones - tend to learn to fly under the radar and work around the societal restrictions.


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## Zoom-boing (Dec 30, 2013)

Samson said:


> Zoom-boing said:
> 
> 
> > meggiemom said:
> ...




Ew. Ew.

Wait, wouldn't that be octo_pussy_?


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## Samson (Dec 30, 2013)

Zoom-boing said:


> Samson said:
> 
> 
> > Zoom-boing said:
> ...



Wait, I'll see if I can find a pic.......


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## Delta4Embassy (Dec 30, 2013)

google 'shunga'


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## Delta4Embassy (Dec 30, 2013)

meggiemom said:


> I'm a 37 yo married mom in an open marriage and in a relationship that includes my sister, her husband, my sisters lover and my 22 yo daughter.



I'm constantly amazed how Florida has some of the sexiest people while paradoxically some the most ridiculous laws about sex.


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## WinterBorn (Dec 30, 2013)

William Joyce said:


> More perversion designed to destroy the traditional family unit, which the rock of society.  Bottom line is that however fun this may sound, it doesn't work.  People just don't like the idea of their spouse fucking other people.  It creates heavy tension and division in a marriage.
> 
> Funny, polygamists practice "polyamory", but nobody calls them "revolutionary", just backward and weird.  Anyway, the women who escape these marriages invariably describe them as horrible.  The jealousy is intense.



Maybe you have jealousy issues, but not everyone else does.  I know quite a few people who have been in polyamorous relationships for years and everyone involved is happy.

If its not for you, that's fine.  But you don't get to decide what works for anyone else.  As long as it is consenting adults, why would you stick your nose in?


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## Luddly Neddite (Dec 30, 2013)

Cecilie1200 said:


> So apparently, Newsweek did a story on this in late July.
> 
> Polyamory: The Next Sexual Revolution? - Newsweek
> 
> ...



I agree that this is undoubtedly true. The problem I have with poly-marriage is that, by definition, as the law is now, some of the children are illegitimate. While that's not the huge issue that it used to be, the adults should not be allowed to knowingly socially handicap their kids in any way. IMO.


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## Katzndogz (Dec 30, 2013)

Incest is best!

If you can't fuck your daughter, civilization is pretty much at an end.


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## Luddly Neddite (Dec 30, 2013)

William Joyce said:


> More perversion designed to destroy the traditional family unit, which the rock of society.  Bottom line is that however fun this may sound, it doesn't work.  People just don't like the idea of their spouse fucking other people.  It creates heavy tension and division in a marriage.
> 
> Funny, polygamists practice "polyamory", but nobody calls them "revolutionary", just backward and weird.  Anyway, the women who escape these marriages invariably describe them as horrible.  The jealousy is intense.



What's wrong with consenting adults doing as they wish as long as it harms no one else? You wanting laws to keep them from that? 

The miserable women you're so concerned about were forced into these "marriages" as children. You know, just like the Robertson's are pushing. Oh wait, that's different, right?


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## Luddly Neddite (Dec 30, 2013)

Katzndogz said:


> Incest is best!
> 
> If you can't fuck your daughter, civilization is pretty much at an end.



Who is committing incest?

And since when do you care about children?


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## Luddly Neddite (Dec 30, 2013)

meggiemom said:


> I'm a 37 yo married mom in an open marriage and in a relationship that includes my sister, her husband, my sisters lover and my 22 yo daughter.



So, talk already. 

Really. 

Ignore the assholes and tell us about your situation. 

And, welcome to the board.


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## BDBoop (Dec 30, 2013)

This is a three year-old thread.


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## Gracie (Dec 30, 2013)

ewww.

_headin' out the door._


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## BDBoop (Dec 30, 2013)

I have friends from that lifestyle - in fact, one such friend helped open my mind to the fact that life isn't always as simple as we may believe it to be at first glance.

It's nothing I would be interested in. But I'm no longer all "ewww!!" in their general direction.


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## Cecilie1200 (Jan 1, 2014)

BDBoop said:


> I have friends from that lifestyle - in fact, one such friend helped open my mind to the fact that life isn't always as simple as we may believe it to be at first glance.
> 
> It's nothing I would be interested in. But I'm no longer all "ewww!!" in their general direction.



I think we're "ewwing" the incest, not the polyamory.


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## Vox (Jan 1, 2014)

ewww.

there is way too many complicated issues to be resolved with ONE partner, you have to be NUTS to involve more - unless you want to go through eh high school ganging experience again.


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## Vox (Jan 1, 2014)

meggiemom said:


> I'm a 37 yo married mom in an open marriage and in a relationship that includes my sister, her husband, my sisters lover and my 22 yo daughter.


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## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 1, 2014)

William Joyce said:


> More perversion designed to destroy the traditional family unit, which the rock of society.  Bottom line is that however fun this may sound, it doesn't work.  People just don't like the idea of their spouse fucking other people.  It creates heavy tension and division in a marriage.
> 
> Funny, polygamists practice "polyamory", but nobody calls them "revolutionary", just backward and weird.  Anyway, the women who escape these marriages invariably describe them as horrible.  The jealousy is intense.



Yeah, I tend to agree.  One spouse is usually a lot happier about it than the other spouse. 

I think some spouses just go along with it as a desperate attempt to keep their marriage intact.


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## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 1, 2014)

meggiemom said:


> I'm a 37 yo married mom in an open marriage and in a relationship that includes my sister, her husband, my sisters lover and my 22 yo daughter.



Every parent's dream...to be able to watch their children fuck or to in some way, either directly or indirectly, be involved in their offspring's sex lives.

Perverted.  And not too much shocks me.  This doesn't either...it just disgusts me a little bit.


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## Quantum Windbag (Jan 1, 2014)

dilloduck said:


> If there are books telling me how to do something, it's too complicated.



Breathing is complicated.

The Breathing Book: Good Health and Vitality Through Essential Breath Work by Donna Farhi ? Reviews, Discussion, Bookclubs, Lists


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## FallingSnow (Jan 9, 2014)

WinterBorn said:


> William Joyce said:
> 
> 
> > More perversion designed to destroy the traditional family unit, which the rock of society.  Bottom line is that however fun this may sound, it doesn't work.  People just don't like the idea of their spouse fucking other people.  It creates heavy tension and division in a marriage.
> ...



I've been dating a 'polyamorous' man for two years.  I've spent a great deal of time on a polyamory forum.  I see virtually no one there who's 'happy.'  There are some who claim to be, but when you get to know their stories well, you'll find out that maybe two of the three people are quite happy, and the third is just desperately trying to avoid a divorce that's going to separate him from his children, and try to put a good face on this thing that he's been informed is going to happen with or without him.  (As just one instance.)  Let me be clear about that: even the ones who claim to be happy are completely ignoring that their spouse is desperately _unhappy,_ and in fact outright miserable with the situation.

Or if you find a story where everyone really seems quite happy, follow it for a few more months, maybe a year or two, and you're going to see people changing their minds, and divorces, marriages falling apart, and long time advocates of poly swearing off it and deciding it's not a great way to live.

A friend and I who have followed these stories closely have noticed that the vast majority of these people are dealing with one or more sorts of mental issue, such as depression, anxiety, bi-polar.  Many come from somewhat dysfunctional backgrounds.  We see a bunch of people desperately trying to fill an aching emptiness in their souls, and in most cases, it's ending up with constant heartache as they go through one breakup after another with the outside relationships, or finally the break up of their marriage.

Of the hundreds of people there, I know of exactly one who says she had a very successful and happy triad of twenty years, that lasted until one of the three died.  So, yes, it apparently can work.  But honestly...the odds are hugely against it working.

And the fact is, what 'consenting adults' do often eventually affects society.  When these marriages break up, that affects the children, which affects their teachers, their classmates, their futures, which affects society.  When two people are too busy dating to take time to put any good in the world (volunteer for a charity, say), yes, that affects society.  When sexual promiscuity goes up, and social diseases spread, that affects society.

When secondaries are moving in and out of the children's lives, that eventually affects the kids (check out mommyish.com for a couple of really good articles by one of the kids living with this if you want to see how it's affecting kids.)  When kids barely see their own parents because mom's off having a relationship with her girlfriend and her boyfriend and the new guy she's dating...that affects kids.  And the more kids are affected by it, and end up coping with problems they shouldn't have had to cope with--the more society is affected by it.

When the 'secondaries' are struggling with all the issues of having half a relationship and all the pain that so often goes with that, yes, their struggles often enough affect the people around them, and the more it's happening, the more that affects society.

I have no doubt I'd like almost every one of these people in real life.  Obviously, I like the guy I'm dating.  But I've seen the world up close.  I've followed some of the stories for two years now.  I'm on a forum for 'mono partners of polys' and another for 'secondary singles.'  And what I see is pain, pain, pain, and more pain.

Yes, every now and again, when the planets line up just right , one of these situations seems to work, but from all my reading and research, it's very rare, the actions of these 'consenting adults' is causing a lot of pain, and there are so many flaws inherent to the very system of trying to maintain two relationships that I would never do it again, would never advise anyone to do it, and would even say that if it were to become common, we're going to see a lot more problems in society.


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## Vox (Jan 9, 2014)

the society landed up with a model of monogamous HETEROSEXUAL marriage for a reason.

Because it is the healthiest way for a society.

yet some need to reinvent the wheel


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## auditor0007 (Jan 13, 2014)

Cecilie1200 said:


> I ran across this article while looking for something else online, and thought it might make an interesting topic for discussion.
> 
> ". . . "Ethical non-monogamy" or "polyamory" (literally translated as "many loves") means having loving, intimate relationships with more than one person with the full consent of everyone involved.
> 
> ...



As I always told my wife when she was alive, and as I have told my girlfriend of the past eight years, they don't need to worry about me cheating on them, because dealing with one of them is all I can handle.  Trying to deal with another one of them would drive me absolutely insane.  As for this ideal of having multiple lovers or wives, or sharing a wife with another man, no fucking way.


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## nitroz (Jan 20, 2014)

I remember when Marriage was about exclusivity.

I don't get the appeal.


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## Katzndogz (Jan 20, 2014)

As it was explained to me, marriage is the pinnacle of discrimination, racism, and denies any number of others the right to have sex with the person of their choice if that person happens to be someone who is in a discriminatory, racist, homophobic relationship or marriage.    Liberals believe that marriage by itself, tramples the civil rights of the people in the marriage and anyone who wants to be in a sexual relationship with the person in the marriage.


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## Antares (Jan 20, 2014)

FallingSnow said:


> WinterBorn said:
> 
> 
> > William Joyce said:
> ...



We were involved in Swinging for several years, a great many of our friends from the Lifestyle ended up trying open marriages, they ALL are now divorced.


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