# Anyone else grieving?



## ricechickie (Mar 26, 2017)

I lost my husband in November 2015.  Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently?  Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.

Anyway, I guess I felt like sharing.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 26, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> I lost my husband in November 2015.  Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently?  Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.
> 
> Anyway, I guess I felt like sharing.


I'm sorry for your loss, ricechickie .

I lost my dad a few years ago.  it was painful because he was my idol.  I wanted him to live into his 90's like his sister had but he was just not as healthy as she was.

You just have to cry it out and get it over with.

Eventually you will get used to it.

We are all mortal and nobody lives forever.

All you can do is accept it.

In your case women usually outlive their men anyway.

In my fraternity however we also have several old men who have outlived their wives.

I believe life is a gift and when/if God gives you more life than someone else then it is just a gift.

Enjoy the gift.

You will need to get used to being single again.  That will be difficult but you can do it because plenty of others have.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss.


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## ricechickie (Mar 26, 2017)

He was my first big loss.  I am definitely getting through. I am finally just getting adjusted to being alone. Yes, that's taken almost a year and a half.


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## ricechickie (Mar 26, 2017)

One of the last coherent things he said was that I should go on and be happy.  I hang onto that.  I have no shame in enjoying my life.  That was gift he gave me.


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## emilynghiem (Mar 26, 2017)

I lost two community members close to me.
One who was a fellow parody writer/Democrat here in the USMB community.
A very rare combination and very rare charming old Gentleman who was also a Vet.

And a community leader in my home district
who also served as the local Democratic  Precinct Chair.

Just getting to the age where I'm going to outlive my mentors
and older peers, and see more of them drop off before it's my turn.

I'm an 80s kid, graduated from high school and then college in 1984 and 1988.
So I'm going to start losing more and more of my teachers and mentors
who are 10 - 20 years older.


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## emilynghiem (Mar 26, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> He was my first big loss.  I am definitely getting through. I am finally just getting adjusted to being alone. Yes, that's taken almost a year and a half.



Dear ricechickie I would be lost without my honey.
Bless you and you are doing great to make it that first year.
Wow. You are very brave and I admire you.

This has to be harder than losing a parent. With other family,
the first two years are hardest, if you can make it to 5 you can make it to 10.

I think I would just want to give up and not do anything if I lost my honey.


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## ricechickie (Mar 26, 2017)

My husband was 12 years older.  We had 20 years together.  I am not the age where women usually lose their husbands, but he was quite ill for some years, so it wasn't a complete shock. I thought I had another decade.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 26, 2017)

emilynghiem said:


> ricechickie said:
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> > He was my first big loss.  I am definitely getting through. I am finally just getting adjusted to being alone. Yes, that's taken almost a year and a half.
> ...


I have been told by others that losing a child is the worst thing.

So obviously military families who lose their sons or daughters have the worst grief from it.

But grief is grief.

Grief comes from losing something that you love.

I would cry now if I lost my cat.  I love my cat.

I would cry if I lost my sister too.  Or my niece.  I love them too.

In Greek there are 3 kids of love.  Unselfish love is the highest of these.  They are usually reserved for our children.  You cannot replace children.


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## Marion Morrison (Mar 26, 2017)

I'm sorry for your loss.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 26, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> My husband was 12 years older.  We had 20 years together.  I am not the age where women usually lose their husbands, but he was quite ill for some years, so it wasn't a complete shock. I thought I had another decade.


That was the same way I felt with my dad.  His death caught me completely unprepared and by surprise.

Crying was the only way to deal with it.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 26, 2017)

emilynghiem said:


> I lost two community members close to me.
> One who was a fellow parody writer/Democrat here in the USMB community.
> A very rare combination and very rare charming old Gentleman who was also a Vet.
> 
> ...


So I am a little over 10 years older than you emilynghiem and most of my teachers and older relatives are gone now.  Many of my friends from high school and college did not survive long.

Cancer and accidents have killed most of them.  Even young people with cancer -- very odd.

I really miss my college professors who are all mostly gone now.  They each framed my thinking somehow even more than my parents could.


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## ricechickie (Mar 26, 2017)

yiostheoy said:


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I can't even fathom losing one of my children.  I think that would be harder.  But grief, especially at the early months, can be hell.  

Anything that dulls the pain is fair game.  I have lost myself in work, then zombied in front of the tv with a drink.  I'm emerging from that stage.


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## emilynghiem (Mar 26, 2017)

Wow ricechickie I am trying very hard to even wrap my mind around your loss,
and relate it to someone I've lost. I've lost my dad but that took such a long time to work out
closure with my family, I don't think that compares. I lost a mentor who created a whole world
around the school where I was teaching and I lost that when I lost her.

Last year in Oct 2015 we finally had our whole job division get shut down,
which we were expecting for a few years. But still it was a shock to lose
the job I had been relying on like clockwork, and my insurance benefits,
and have to face the messes with Obamacare and how to pay the bills
and all the charity expenses on my credit cards that depended on my salary.

I am still trying to adjust and still not making it, it's still not stable.

So maybe that is a FRACTION of what you must be going through.
I just went through a partial change and it threw me off for it looks like 2 years before I stabilize.

I jumped into a temp job that kept me so busy I wouldn't miss my job I'd had for 11 years.
I would have missed my friends and decorating for Christmas, so I went and decorated
another work place and two houses for Christmas so I wouldn't feel anything missing.
I covered up pretty good, but the grief still hits later. It just didn't hit all at once.

And that's just from a job loss.
Again I can't imagine losing your husband.
Hugs to you, I think you are amazing to be able to function
and talk and share with people. I don't think I could do that.

Thanks ricechickie
I appreciate you sharing on here
and hope the benefits are mutual!


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## yiostheoy (Mar 26, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> One of the last coherent things he said was that I should go on and be happy.  I hang onto that.  I have no shame in enjoying my life.  That was gift he gave me.


This is also what the King Of Sparta told his wife before he went off to war knowing he was outnumbered and going to die with his men.

It is good advice.

It is all you can do.

Since it has only been 2 years for you that is still really fresh on your mind.

It takes about 3 to 5 years to get used to it, I believe.


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## SassyIrishLass (Mar 26, 2017)

I've lost three people who were very important to me and in my life, my father, my grandfather and my best friend who I grew up with from kindergarten until he fell in Iraq. Cherish the memories, the pain subsides but never truly goes away


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## emilynghiem (Mar 26, 2017)

ricechickie said:


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Yes, it's easy just to stick to work and routines and use that to follow along...
But when the brain is taking time out to turn conscious focus on something just to occupy and distract,
that means the unconscious mind has freedom to work on stuff.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 26, 2017)

ricechickie said:


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Be careful with the alcohol.  it is a dangerous drug.

It can get out of control if you don't have rules.

And it can make your grief worse if you drink too much since chemically it is a depressant and already being emotionally depressed it could push you over the edge.

You definitely need to have a one drink limit per day as a woman.


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## ricechickie (Mar 26, 2017)

yiostheoy said:


> ricechickie said:
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> > My husband was 12 years older.  We had 20 years together.  I am not the age where women usually lose their husbands, but he was quite ill for some years, so it wasn't a complete shock. I thought I had another decade.
> ...



I remember last March, suddenly having a realization that, for the first time since I lost him, I WASN'T crying in the car on my way to work.  It became like part of my morning routine.  Now, it just hits me sporadically. When I feel like crying, I do.  No good holding it in.


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## Pogo (Mar 26, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> I lost my husband in November 2015.  Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently?  Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.
> 
> Anyway, I guess I felt like sharing.



My aunt passed away a month ago.  The last of her generation (my Mom's sister).   As in my Mom's case in 2011, far-flung family came from all over to honor her life.  It's nothing like losing a spouse but I try to keep in touch with my cousin, her only child, for the adjustment she has.

Sympathies for your loss.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 26, 2017)

ricechickie said:


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Good.  You are recovering then.

Soon it will only hurt when you see something that you dug out of a closet or drawer and it brings back the memory sharply.

Songs and smells too.

Old Spice reminds me of  my dad and so I cannot stand it.

And his favorite country songs by Johnny Cash.  I can't listen to them.


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## ricechickie (Mar 26, 2017)

yiostheoy said:


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That ship has sailed.

I know that I shouldn't rely on it, but drinking was part of my life before he died, too.


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## HereWeGoAgain (Mar 26, 2017)

Losing someone close is a sonofabitch.
Lost my Father when I was 16,you feel robbed of showing him that he raised you well.
  I just hope there is a heaven and he see's how good a father he was.


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## ricechickie (Mar 26, 2017)

SassyIrishLass said:


> I've lost three people who were very important to me and in my life, my father, my grandfather and my best friend who I grew up with from kindergarten until he fell in Iraq. Cherish the memories, the pain subsides but never truly goes away



I'm sorry for your losses. I cherish the memories, his stuff, and our kids. It certainly has changed my perspective on what's important.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 26, 2017)

ricechickie said:


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One wine glass of wine per day needs to be your daily limit.

You cannot let yourself drink more.

And there should be one day like Sunday where you don't drink at all so you can detox.

Those are the rules you need to follow.

If you cannot follow these rules then you need to get yourself into AA and give up alcohol completely.


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## ricechickie (Mar 26, 2017)

Pogo said:


> ricechickie said:
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> > I lost my husband in November 2015.  Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently?  Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.
> ...



And sympathies for your loss as well.  If I may say, keeping in touch to those hardest hit by a loss is important. I found that some people tend to swarm around right after, then drop back out when the death becomes "old news" (to them).  And not everyone is good at reaching out.


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## BULLDOG (Mar 26, 2017)

What was he like? Was there one or several things that he always did to make you smile?


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## MarathonMike (Mar 26, 2017)

I'm truly sorry for your loss. Yes I've lost both parents my Mother pretty recently. I also lost a friend and co-worker to prostate cancer a year and a half ago. He was weeks away from retiring. All you can do is be thankful for the time you had and know he is in a better place and you will see him again.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 26, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> SassyIrishLass said:
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> > I've lost three people who were very important to me and in my life, my father, my grandfather and my best friend who I grew up with from kindergarten until he fell in Iraq. Cherish the memories, the pain subsides but never truly goes away
> ...


What is ultimately most important is that you need to be able to stand confidently before your God and say you did the best you could for others and for yourself.  For you your kids and grandkids will be the most important, but also your neighbors and friends and your church/temple/etc.

I am Catholic and the Catholic Church requires you to carry a torch and not ever give up.  It has given me strength in weaker moments.

If you don't have a God to believe in then this is a weakness and being on your own completely is harder.


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## ricechickie (Mar 26, 2017)

HereWeGoAgain said:


> Losing someone close is a sonofabitch.
> Lost my Father when I was 16,you feel robbed of showing him that he raised you well.
> I just hope there is a heaven and he see's how good a father he was.



That's what my kids are dealing with.  They are just about grown, but he didn't see them as full adults.  I find myself hoping that there's some kind of afterlife, too. He wasn't a believer.


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## emilynghiem (Mar 26, 2017)

yiostheoy said:


> ricechickie said:
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I have to agree with yiostheoy to avoid alcohol.

But maybe it's because I'm biased. I lost a young friend, only 28,
(who took some medication that reacted with alcohol, and it led to fatal crisis)
I almost lost another friend to alcohol who hid it for the longest time.

I would recommend just about anything else other than drinking, smoking, pot.
Addiction to gaming, or online forums (like this one?) anything is better
than TRYING to "self medicate" the brain chemistry
(such using alcohol or pot that is unpredicatable).
The risk is too great they add any more problems to what's already happening.

I think the brain needs all the natural support and SPACE to go through its process as it comes.
And messing with that process is just going to make it worse, I would think.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 26, 2017)

MarathonMike said:


> I'm truly sorry for your loss. Yes I've lost both parents my Mother pretty recently. I also lost a friend and co-worker to prostate cancer a year and a half ago. He was weeks away from retiring. All you can do is be thankful for the time you had and know he is in a better place and you will see him again.


I have a dear friend from high school who is like a brother to me who is dealing with prostate cancer now.  If he goes I will be crushed.  But we are both Catholic and this requires us to be strong and accept the hand God deals us.


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## SassyIrishLass (Mar 26, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> SassyIrishLass said:
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> ...



I have a constant reminder of my friend, we adopted his son after he passed and the mother made some very poor life choices. His son is the spitting image of my friend in every way, it's like he's here with us. He's going to be a fine young man and plans to follow his birth father's path and make the military his career.

To me death isn't final, my faith is important and I will see them all again someday. 

And yes focus on the important things, your children being paramount


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## yiostheoy (Mar 26, 2017)

ricechickie said:


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Ok this is telling.

If you read Philosophy especially Catholic Philosophy it tells you that for all sorts of logical reasons it is impossible to conceive that there is no God.

And if there is a God then He/She/They would have prepared an afterlife for us for the same logical reasons.  The logical constructions are complex but if you read enough philosophy it makes sense.

You can fast forward and google San Tomas Aquinas and read his "5 proofs of God".  This is official Catholic doctrine as well as being pure Philosophy.

The next step is Religion.  People who  have suffered a first loss to death often use that experience to become involved in a church group somewhere.  My personal recommendation is the Catholics of course.  But the Protestant Lutherans or Anglican are good too because they are very similar to the Catholics -- there is very little difference other than their rebellion against Rome in the 1500's.

If you try to do this without religion then you are weaker.

Since I am confident there is a God, and confident there is an afterlife, and confident in the Catholic, Lutheran, and Anglican Churches then strongly recommend you to one of them now.


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## MarathonMike (Mar 26, 2017)

yiostheoy said:


> MarathonMike said:
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> > I'm truly sorry for your loss. Yes I've lost both parents my Mother pretty recently. I also lost a friend and co-worker to prostate cancer a year and a half ago. He was weeks away from retiring. All you can do is be thankful for the time you had and know he is in a better place and you will see him again.
> ...


Sorry to hear this.


yiostheoy said:


> MarathonMike said:
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> > I'm truly sorry for your loss. Yes I've lost both parents my Mother pretty recently. I also lost a friend and co-worker to prostate cancer a year and a half ago. He was weeks away from retiring. All you can do is be thankful for the time you had and know he is in a better place and you will see him again.
> ...


Damn. I really hope he makes it. The kind my friend had was a rare form that is extremely aggressive. If your friend doesn't have that, they should be able to buy him a few more good years at a minimum.


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## emilynghiem (Mar 26, 2017)

ricechickie said:


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Well ricechickie the way I explain it in "secular" terms is
that our energy and spirit passes on especially through the ones we love, our soulmates.
Both the good energy/memories and anything bad/unresolved that we inherit to LEARN from.
So where we continue on in love, that's "heaven" the spiritual connection
that joins all of us by conscience where there is "eternal good and love" that prevails.
That's the love that transcends death, but is and always was, so it just keeps going.

Anything bad, we forgive, grow from and use to improve the future.
If we don't forgive and let go, we can't heal that part, and if we cling
to negative ill will, unforgiveness, and resentments that is what causes "hell"
or "suffering" which collectively becomes the war and torment we see destroying
humanity (and as symbolized in religion as spiritual torment in an endless cycle).

What frees us is to forgive, let go of trying to control or dictate judge or reject,
and just accept what life brings, and grow in faith that the good will outweigh the bad.

So forgiveness is that leap of faith to accept first, on faith, and then receive the peace of
mind and blessings that come AFTER we forgive. It's seems a bit backwards or counterintuitive.

*The HEALING comes faster, the recovery process sped up, when people choose
to see themselves as HEROES of forgiveness, overcoming setbacks,
instead of seeing themselves as "victims of uncontrolled circumstances"*

studies on forgiveness have shown a correlation with better health and recovery rates
while unforgiveness correlates with more stress, worse health problems, illness, etc.

So heaven is the collective terms for the path where forgiveness/letting go/acceptance 
brings peace of mind and restores harmony and balance in life,
and hell is the collective suffering from ill will, unforgiveness, and retribution/rejection.

Religions may express this in "symbolic" terms
but these are natural laws and spiritual processes
that even our secular systems of psychology and science
have observed are true for human health and relations in general.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 26, 2017)

San Tomas Aquinas' 5 philosophical proofs of God:

Five Ways (Aquinas) - Wikipedia


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## ricechickie (Mar 26, 2017)

BULLDOG said:


> What was he like? Was there one or several things that he always did to make you smile?



He was a big teddy bear of a man.  He could be imposing if you didn't know him, but really was a big softie.  He was a stand-up comedian for years, but could never make that his full-time gig.  So he also did lots of other jobs during our marriage. 

When I think of him now, I just smile.  He loved music, he had really eclectic tastes.  He would play the same music for days, until the songs were stuck in my head.  He'd also make up some parody lyrics, so now I can't hear some songs without thinking the wrong, and usually inappropriate, lyrics.  

Of course, he had an over-developed sense of humor.  Sometimes, I would just say, "Can you turn it off?"  He couldn't.  Now I end up saying the things that I know he would say in a conversation.  It's like I absorbed his humor.  

He was a great father.  I think his true purpose in life was to be a dad.  His face lit up for our babies.  He would do anything for them.  Anything and everything he could do.


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## HereWeGoAgain (Mar 26, 2017)

emilynghiem said:


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  I'll have to come back when I'm sober......


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## yiostheoy (Mar 26, 2017)

MarathonMike said:


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Everyone else I know who had prostate cancer died from it.

If my buddy from high school survives it he will be the first.

Those are not good odds.


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## MarathonMike (Mar 26, 2017)

yiostheoy said:


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To offer some hope, my Uncle is in his 80s and has stage 4 Prostate cancer but is relatively healthy. He even plays golf twice a week walking 18.


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## emilynghiem (Mar 26, 2017)

yiostheoy said:


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Hi yiostheoy I have found people call God by different things.
Some people do not see life or the universe and its laws as "personal'
but see it in secular nontheistic terms. Like Buddhists may see truth or wisdom in life.
but not attach that to a personified figure or relationship. Does that make sense?


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## emilynghiem (Mar 26, 2017)

yiostheoy said:


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If you catch it early it's treatable.

I know two people who did very well after treatment.
One was middle aged the other older but they diagnosed it in time.


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## ricechickie (Mar 26, 2017)

yiostheoy said:


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How much bourbon is allowed? (she asked facetiously)

There's so much on this thread, and I've got to go to work tomorrow.  I do want to thank you all who responded, it really does help. I'll have to come back tomorrow to reread, because there's so many good things on here.

Good night.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 26, 2017)

emilynghiem said:


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I would not recommend someone who is grieving to Buddhism or Confucianism or Hinduism or any other Asian religion.  These do not give anyone any strength.  They are simply stoic.

You can be stoic on your own.  And even then you will be weaker than if you have a great Christian church (Catholic or Protestant) to support you.

These churches have support systems that will accept you and keep you company and teach you things about eternal life from the Bible.

Death is a huge painful trial and not good to be faced alone.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 26, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> How much bourbon is allowed?


NONE !!!

That stuff is bad for women.  Really really bad.


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## emilynghiem (Mar 26, 2017)

yiostheoy said:


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Sure yiostheoy I would say it takes a combination of Eastern and Western
approaches, both meditation and prayer. 

It has been said that prayer is like talking with God
and meditation is listening and letting God answer.

So to have healthy two-way interactions, it takes both!


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## ricechickie (Mar 26, 2017)

yiostheoy said:


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Yeah, well, that ship has sailed as well.  And the scotch ship and the gin ship.  Good thing I hate tequila, right? 

Good night.


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## emilynghiem (Mar 26, 2017)

yiostheoy said:


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I know of men who had terrible problems with alcohol.
Is it really worse for women?


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## yiostheoy (Mar 26, 2017)

emilynghiem said:


> Sure yiostheoy I would say it takes a combination of Eastern and Western
> approaches, both meditation and prayer.
> 
> It has been said that prayer is like talking with God
> ...


I think if someone is struggling with Western Religion then an Asian Religion will sometimes help them.

But I would not thrust myself or anyone else into an Asian religion while grieving because they simply give you nothing, like I said.

Asian religions only develop stoicism over time.  You need time to grown stoicism. So that won't help you in a crisis.

So Asian religion is a weakness in a pinch.

Atheism and agnosticism are also a weakness.  They also give you nothing in a pinch.

Jesus and the New Testament and a safe helpful (not predatory) church is the best bet in a crisis like death and grief.  It is the message of hope and promise and the priests and nuns that you need.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 26, 2017)

emilynghiem said:


> I know of men who had terrible problems with alcohol.
> Is it really worse for women?


Well women are not like Native Americans -- who seem to have a special weakness for alcohol.  My sister married a 1/2 Native American and alcoholism killed him.  Her second hubby is Protestant and rarely drinks.  She does not drink at all.

So back to women -- women are smaller and have less blood in them than men.

So when a woman drinks a shot and thinks that ok she has really drunk TWO shots by comparison.  That's the problem with hard drinks and women.

Women should only drink one small drink per hour, not one full drink per hour.  A shot is TWO drinks for a woman.

That's the problem.


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## william the wie (Mar 26, 2017)

I know I'm a bad role model but when your dad is blinded in one eye when you are five, your brother nearly dies of rheumatic fever at seven, your mom has what she described as a psychotic break as a result of the pressure and your other brother saw his dreams destroyed as a redshirt at Maryland when you're 12 you may not become as low affect as me but grief to me is a blank book. My biggest concern is that if my wife dies the replacements on my block include a girl who "straightened" out after her second time in prison, three girls across the street (all but one street legal) that you couldn't pay me to go out with much less marry and similar problem children at other areas where I socialize. I know that because I assume those I am close to our going to die before I do.


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## BULLDOG (Mar 26, 2017)

ricechickie said:


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Sounds like a great guy. He probably couldn't have been that great without you there with him.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 26, 2017)

william the wie said:


> I know I'm a bad role model but when your dad is blinded in one eye when you are five, your brother nearly dies of rheumatic fever at seven, your mom has what she described as a psychotic break as a result of the pressure and your other brother saw his dreams destroyed as a redshirt at Maryland when you're 12 you may not become as low affect as me but grief to me is a blank book. My biggest concern is that if my wife dies the replacements on my block include a girl who "straightened" out after her second time in prison, three girls across the street (all but one street legal) that you couldn't pay me to go out with much less marry and similar problem children at other areas where I socialize. I know that because I assume those I am close to our going to die before I do.


I seriously doubt that ricechickie is ready to think about "a replacement" yet.  That will take some more time possibly.  She will need to get over her grief first.


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## emilynghiem (Mar 26, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> yiostheoy said:
> 
> 
> > ricechickie said:
> ...



Good night ricechickie
Take care!


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## yiostheoy (Mar 26, 2017)

When you lose someone that you loved emotionally and physically whether to death or infidelity or divorce, you need to get used to being single again.  Everyone was single once, before marriage, so everyone is perfectly capable of doing so.  It just takes time to reorient yourself to be a unit rather than a pair.

Eventually you get over the loss, and then you begin to look again for someone to fulfil that pairing lifestyle (unless you are like me -- a complete stoic who has no need of romantic ties of any kind -- too many bad experience in the past).

Or like me you may choose to stay single and immerse yourself into the lives of your children, nieces, nephews, siblings, and/or pets.  Typically you will need something or someone, though not necessarily a lover.

If you can, get a puppy or a kitten.  I have a cat.  Cat's are easier because they tend to be independent when they are grown.  But they will grow to love you like a dog will.  Dogs are just faster to love you and more naturally gregarious than cats.  So a pet is a good strategy.

It will take time to get over grief and used to being single again.

The very best thing is to go on a search for someone similar to the person you lost.  Activity groups are good for this.  So are churches.  Really big churches are better than small churches as far as meeting people goes.

The very worst thing on this Earth that you can do is drown yourself in alcohol or other drugs.  That just adds to your problems and gives you bigger problems.


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## depotoo (Mar 26, 2017)

Father-in-law diagnosed with it 15 yrs ago, and treated.  Still here at 79, and doing well, no sign of it since his seeding.    Good luck to your friend.



Thoughts and prayers to all that have lost loved ones.  There have been a number in my life.




yiostheoy said:


> MarathonMike said:
> 
> 
> > yiostheoy said:
> ...


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## Manonthestreet (Mar 26, 2017)

When Mom died dad went to grief counseling at the senior center, for several years. After a point I think it hurt him more than helped. After awhile they should have helped him put his grief away instead of keeping it raw.

To some extent I blame them in part for him ending up prematurely in a nursing home.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 26, 2017)

My rules for drinking alcohol.

1 drink per day with dinner Monday thru Thursday.  No more.

1 drink per hour on Friday evenings and/or Saturday evenings.

No drinking between midnight and sunset.

No alcohol at lunch.

No drinking on Sundays -- these are detox days.

One drink equals 1 glass of wine, 1 tall mug of beer, 1 mixed drink, or 1 shot of liquor.

I know personally that if you drink more than this it will kill you.

My niece cannot control her drinking so she may not drink at all and she knows it.


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## Kat (Mar 27, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> I lost my husband in November 2015.  Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently?  Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.
> 
> Anyway, I guess I felt like sharing.




I am so sorry for your loss. And yes, I am grieving right now. I lost my mom at the end of January. She had Alzheimer's. Horrible way to die. And loved ones feel so helpless.
All along it will dawn on me that she died, and I say to myself ''My mom died'', like it is some revelation or something.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 27, 2017)

Kat said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > I lost my husband in November 2015.  Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently?  Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.
> ...


Sorry for your loss too, Kat .

Our mom is going downhill fast.

She now is going deaf too.  So she can't even talk on the phone anymore.

She hates the nursing home.  She wants her old home back.  The old home is gone.

She was wandering around the neighborhood lost and confused and the neighbors were calling the police.

Her memory only goes back about 2 or 3 minutes now.

My sister and her hubby both work and could not take her in.  I wish they could have but they could not.

There was a PBS special on Alzheimer's yesterday that said this is a huge looming crisis when all of the Baby Boomers reach it.

My mom was the pre-Baby-Boom.  That generation is called The Noble Generation because they suffered thru WW2.  In the next 10 years they will all mostly be gone.  Alzheimer's will take  most of them.

Can't be helped.  Old age is cruel.  We are living so far past our 70's now that Alzheimer's is a major issue for all of us now, as I am sure you understand.

My sisters and I are resigned to our mother's likely death soon.  It will be merciful when it happens.

Death is a gift at that stage in late life.

Once again, sorry for your loss Kat .


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## yiostheoy (Mar 27, 2017)

Manonthestreet said:


> When Mom died dad went to grief counseling at the senior center, for several years. After a point I think it hurt him more than helped. After awhile they should have helped him put his grief away instead of keeping it raw.
> 
> To some extent I blame them in part for him ending up prematurely in a nursing home.


It is useful to be around people who have overcome their grief already.

Like you said Manonthestreet it is useless and counter-productive to be around others who are continually grieving and have not gotten over it yet.


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## ricechickie (Mar 27, 2017)

Kat said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > I lost my husband in November 2015.  Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently?  Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.
> ...



My sympathies to you for your loss.  I know exactly what you mean.  There were times when I would literally shake my head, as if to readjust my whole worldview.  Once you have someone in your life for so long, I don't think your brain accepts their absence right away.


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## ricechickie (Mar 27, 2017)

Manonthestreet said:


> When Mom died dad went to grief counseling at the senior center, for several years. After a point I think it hurt him more than helped. After awhile they should have helped him put his grief away instead of keeping it raw.
> 
> To some extent I blame them in part for him ending up prematurely in a nursing home.



I went to a bereavement support group for a few months.  But I was the youngest one there by far, and while it was somewhat helpful to talk about it with people who know, the discussions got pretty repetitive.  One week, I didn't go because I got a kitten and I wanted to get home after work to check on him.  Then I just stopped going.  It was good because they kept scheduling outings to go on as a group, but most of these people, being retired, really needed the reminders to get out of the house.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 27, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> Manonthestreet said:
> 
> 
> > When Mom died dad went to grief counseling at the senior center, for several years. After a point I think it hurt him more than helped. After awhile they should have helped him put his grief away instead of keeping it raw.
> ...


I think the kitten will bring you lots of joy.

When my cat was still a kitten he would crawl up into a ball and nestle in my armpit because that was the warmest place he could find.  I worried about rolling over and killing him in my sleep.  So I had to move him next to me by the extra pillow.  By the time I would wake he was curled up in my armpit again.

Later on he when he got bigger he would curl up next to my knees.  That was safer.

Now sometimes at night he crawls under the covers by my feet.  That is best of all.

When a cat loves you he/she will lick your fingers and nose.  He licks mine all the time.  His lifespan is 15 to 20 years.  Mine is another 30 most likely.  That means ultimately I will need to face his death and bury him in the mountains.  Then I will be too old for another kitten.  So I plan to rescue a mature cat at that point.

I don't want not to have a pet with me ever again.  Pets are great.  They accept you unconditionally as long as you keep feeding them.


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## ricechickie (Mar 27, 2017)

yiostheoy said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > Manonthestreet said:
> ...



We've always had pets of some kind in the house. We already had two older cats, but you're right, the kitten did (and does) bring joy and new interest into the house.


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## iamwhatiseem (Mar 27, 2017)

My father passed January 2nd of this year. It was certainly hard. He developed brain cancer in late September, and it absolutely ravaged him. Miraculously he had very little pain, but as it progressed he kept losing abilities. The last month he couldn't even feed himself and could only barely raise his head by himself.
It was very difficult seeing him that way, as well as having to take care of him.
  I still think of something I want to tell him etc. and then remember...oh...he's gone.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 27, 2017)

Brain cancer is painless because there are no pain cells in the brain.

Bone cancer is at the opposite end of the spectrum and very painful.

A friend of mine who died of bone cancer metastasized from prostate cancer told me how this works.

He was my first boss 40 years ago and in his 60's back then.  He died within 2 years of first spotting the prostate cancer and within 6 mos of spotting the metastasized bone cancer.


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## Meathead (Mar 27, 2017)

I lost  a very good childhood friend over the weekend, finding out last night. He was only 59. I  can't shake it off.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 27, 2017)

Meathead said:


> I lost  a very good childhood friend over the weekend, finding out last night. He was only 59. I  can't shake it off.


It will take time.

The first week is the very worst.

The first month numbing.

The first year is painful especially the 1 year anniversary.

By the 2nd or 3rd year things should be better.

By the 5th year everyone should be over it and recovered.  That's when you can help others through the same thing.

Been there done that.

Visiting the grave is always painful for me however.

And cemeteries and funerals for anybody bring back stark memories always.

I now hate the smell of floral shop cut flowers.

Jasmine and lilacs are still ok though because these are never used at funerals.


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## ricechickie (Mar 27, 2017)

iamwhatiseem said:


> My father passed January 2nd of this year. It was certainly hard. He developed brain cancer in late September, and it absolutely ravaged him. Miraculously he had very little pain, but as it progressed he kept losing abilities. The last month he couldn't even feed himself and could only barely raise his head by himself.
> It was very difficult seeing him that way, as well as having to take care of him.
> I still think of something I want to tell him etc. and then remember...oh...he's gone.



I'm sorry for your loss.

My husband had started having regular trips to the hospital with congestive heart failure. His last hospital stay seemed like one of those "routine" ones, but his blood pressure was too low for them to give him his regular medicine that usually put him right. Still, he was stable enough.  Then he got an infection in his leg.  It was incredibly painful for him.  Almost simultaneously, he started losing coherence.  His thinking and speech was muddled. It turns out, they said, that his liver was shutting down and toxins were impeding his brain functions.  He started just sleeping more, waking up occasionally with leg pain that made him yell and grip the bed.  That's when I decided that, whether he was afraid of addiction or not, he should have morphine. We knew.  At first I fooled myself that maybe he would leave without a leg (he was also diabetic, so amputations are fairly common), but he wouldn't have survived a surgery like that. We talked about life-saving measures. I knew what he wanted, because we had talked, but I wanted to make sure.  This was for real.  We had them deactivate his defibrillator .  Then he said something out of the blue about turning it back on. But he was so incoherent so much of the time.  Even if his defibrillator shocked his heart, the heart itself was too weak to keep going. For his comfort, I decided he shouldn't be shocked.    He was basically in a coma for his last two days. No morphine necessary. I was there, with his two best friends, when he took his last breath.  Then I had to call our kids and tell them to come to the hospital. They had already really said goodbye, but I thought they should be there.


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## ricechickie (Mar 27, 2017)

Meathead said:


> I lost  a very good childhood friend over the weekend, finding out last night. He was only 59. I  can't shake it off.



My condolences.


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## iamwhatiseem (Mar 27, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> iamwhatiseem said:
> 
> 
> > My father passed January 2nd of this year. It was certainly hard. He developed brain cancer in late September, and it absolutely ravaged him. Miraculously he had very little pain, but as it progressed he kept losing abilities. The last month he couldn't even feed himself and could only barely raise his head by himself.
> ...



That is similar to how we handled Dad's last days. 
By nature, both from our love and memories of our loved ones, and our inherent survival instincts demands us to "do whatever is necessary" to save our loved ones. But that is not always the answer, in fact most of the time it is not.
 We placed Dad on DNR, which was also his wishes. 
We also elected to not use a feeding tube when he could no longer swallow. By this time he absolutely had no meaningful existence. In fact we all knew it was better that he was unconscious most of the time. When he was conscious and somewhat lucid, he was either angry or sad. Seeing our father, who was a very happy-go-lucky man, in this mood was harder than facing his death. It really was. His death was a relief. 
I am sad my Dad is gone. It broke my heart. I miss him. I would love to talk to him again. But nevertheless, his last month was a nightmare for everyone, especially him. It was hard. Hard. When he died it was a relief, an end of suffering for him and an end to the torture of seeing that suffering.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 27, 2017)

iamwhatiseem said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > iamwhatiseem said:
> ...


I still talk to my dad.

No reason not to.

He probably hears me too.

He is a better listener now.


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## ricechickie (Mar 27, 2017)

iamwhatiseem said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > iamwhatiseem said:
> ...



I'm sorry for you that he suffered so long.  Of course you're sad, but he's no longer in pain. I wanted to save my husband, but when I knew that wasn't possible, I just wanted to keep him from suffering. Clearly, you wanted the same for your dad.  Peace to you.


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## Dalia (Mar 27, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> I lost my husband in November 2015.  Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently?  Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.
> 
> Anyway, I guess I felt like sharing.


Bonsoir, i understand your suffer, My sympathies to you for your loss, i loss my brother on christmas day last year, and i still can't believe i want see him anymore.


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## skye (Mar 27, 2017)

My father left this Valley of Tears a few years ago.

I loved him so, I will miss him til the end.


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## CeeCee (Mar 28, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> My husband was 12 years older, we h  We had 20 years together.  I am not the age where women usually lose their husbands, but he was quite ill for some years, so it wasn't a complete shock. I thought I had another decade.



I lost my hubby to colon cancer in 2004, he was 15 years older than me and we had 35 years together.  Although as the years pass, the grief gets easier but there are still triggers that have me crying after 13 years.

Also, my mom just died last June and this will be my first Mother's Day without her...it's going to be tough.


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## ricechickie (Mar 28, 2017)

CeeCee said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > My husband was 12 years older, we h  We had 20 years together.  I am not the age where women usually lose their husbands, but he was quite ill for some years, so it wasn't a complete shock. I thought I had another decade.
> ...



My sympathy for your losses.  

I don't know what else to say.  It's just a relief to read from someone else who gets it.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 28, 2017)

CeeCee said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > My husband was 12 years older, we h  We had 20 years together.  I am not the age where women usually lose their husbands, but he was quite ill for some years, so it wasn't a complete shock. I thought I had another decade.
> ...


Our mother (my sisters' and mine) is still around but she might as well be dead.

She is going deaf and she cannot remember anything past 5 mins ago.

In this case death would be merciful for her.

She talks about suicide but there is no way for her to do it.

She grew up around guns with her dad being a hunter and she was even a pretty good shot but she has not owned a gun nor had access to one since 1968.  Certainly a good thing.

My sisters and I are Catholic and do not believe in suicide nor euthanasia.

You just play the hand that the Lord has dealt you, and you keep your chin up.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 28, 2017)

ricechickie you need to pour out all the liquor.


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## CeeCee (Mar 28, 2017)

yiostheoy said:


> CeeCee said:
> 
> 
> > ricechickie said:
> ...



One day I'll write how my mom died, just can't do it today...just thinking of her and seeing her image in my mind makes me cry. 

At least I don't think she was in pain...I wasn't there but my brother told me.

My mom lived with my baby sister in NJ and I'm in California...at the most I saw her twice a year but miss her very much.  She was 83.


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## CeeCee (Mar 28, 2017)

Dang, now I'm sad...


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## ricechickie (Mar 28, 2017)

yiostheoy said:


> ricechickie you need to pour out all the liquor.



Not gonna happen.

I don't black out, I don't get hungover, I make it to work and do a damned good job every day, and I don't drive after drinking.  

Listen, I have evaluated myself from time to time, and I am functioning well. I choose to drink with my eyes wide open.  Hell, I'm lucky I didn't know where to find heroin in the early months.  It hurt that bad.


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## ricechickie (Mar 28, 2017)

CeeCee said:


> Dang, now I'm sad...



I'm sorry. I truly am.  But there are people who know how you feel.  I don't have enough people like that in my "real life."


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## Dalia (Mar 28, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> yiostheoy said:
> 
> 
> > ricechickie you need to pour out all the liquor.
> ...


I understand  your pains, on christmas day 2015 i receive a phone  call that told me that my brother just die from a heart attack he was only 45 years old, i did not expect that, i was not prepare for that, i was so hurt that i drink a lot, i don't drink that much normaly, but my god my heart was broken so much


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## ricechickie (Mar 28, 2017)

Dalia said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > yiostheoy said:
> ...



I understand that.


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## Dalia (Apr 1, 2017)

CeeCee said:


> yiostheoy said:
> 
> 
> > CeeCee said:
> ...


My condolences CeeCee, I lost my father when i was a teenager, I adore my mother she's 67 years olds in good health and I can't just imagine your pain, i can't think about the lost of my mom.
I lost my brother and i bring him flower ( rose) at his grave almost every week and time go by and Less and less people come to his grave, it makes me sad in a certain way


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## CeeCee (Apr 1, 2017)

Sorry for your loss, Dalia and yes as time goes on people tend to forget about visiting graves except maybe on a special occasion.

I'm almost the same age as your mom and my kids are almost 46 and 41, I know they would miss me because I'm still a big part of their lives...I'm happy about that.


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## Dalia (Apr 1, 2017)

CeeCee said:


> Sorry for your loss, Dalia and yes as time goes on people tend to forget about visiting graves except maybe on a special occasion.
> 
> I'm almost the same age as your mom and my kids are almost 46 and 41, I know they would miss me because I'm still a big part of their lives...I'm happy about that.


I'm sure Ceecee they will miss you, a mom is an incomparable attachment, I would do anything for my mother.
He had so many flowers at the beginning on my brother's grave now that I go almost nothing, I lay my roses while talking to him and I still hope he could hears me.


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## Michelle420 (Apr 7, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> He was my first big loss.  I am definitely getting through. I am finally just getting adjusted to being alone. Yes, that's taken almost a year and a half.



Not recent but still makes me sad.

My cousin died unexpectedly in Oct.2012. My Dad died in Jan 2013, and my sister committed suicide in June 2013. That was the toughest year I ever had. It changed everything in my life.

Time seems to make it less painful, yet when things like birthdays, holidays etc come up I think of them and feel sad or miss them or both. My sister would have had her birthday this month.

I'm sorry about your loss  talking about it is helpful for some people.


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## Dalia (Apr 8, 2017)

drifter said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > He was my first big loss.  I am definitely getting through. I am finally just getting adjusted to being alone. Yes, that's taken almost a year and a half.
> ...


Sorry for your loss drifter, your sister commited suicide i am sorry for you, one my friend commited suicide when she was a teenager it is a horrible !i did not expected that she would commited suicide


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## Michelle420 (Apr 8, 2017)

Dalia said:


> drifter said:
> 
> 
> > ricechickie said:
> ...



Thank You.


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## Dalia (Apr 8, 2017)

Your welcome drifter, talking about it do help.


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## yiostheoy (Apr 8, 2017)

Philosophically, everyone needs to deal with death, since everyone and everything dies.

When it happens close to you it never feels good.

But it is inevitable for everyone and everything.

The worst thing is when a child of yours dies.  Hopefully it was not your only child or your only boy or girl.  The classic solution for this problem is to have 4 kids of which 2 are boys and 2 girls.  This way you can afford to lose one of each and it would not be a devastating loss.

The death of an only boy or an only girl is devastating.

The death of a spouse is merely a roll of the dice.  Unless you both die at the same time in a car or airplane crash you are unlikely to die at the same time.  So one of you is going to outlive the other.

In the case of the death of a spouse the best thing is spend a year grieving, then after the 1 year anniversary get out there and start socializing again if you enjoy being paired with someone else.  Otherwise just be resolved to the reality that the other's time was up, like the ancient Greek Fates who spin a life line, measure it, and cut it off.

With your brothers and sisters and cousins it is the same way -- you must be prepared for them someday to die.

Regarding parents, Herodotus the ancient Greek historian and father of history said, "In peacetime sons bury their fathers; in wartime fathers bury their sons."  In modern times this is true of mothers and daughters too, since women now also serve in the military.


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## Michelle420 (Apr 8, 2017)

Everyone grieves differently, there is no set way to do it. Nor is there a timeframe of when you are over it.


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## ricechickie (Apr 9, 2017)

Thank you all for the kind words, sharing stories, and reading mine.  It does help.  Even though it's been 18 months, I have horrible days here and there. But the normal days are really starting to outnumber the bad ones.


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## Dalia (Apr 10, 2017)

yiostheoy said:


> Philosophically, everyone needs to deal with death, since everyone and everything dies.
> 
> When it happens close to you it never feels good.
> 
> ...


What is most cruel when one loses a loved one is the example of my father he was sick for a long time, he suffered a lot, but in a certain way we were prepared for his death, it is him Who suffered the most after his death we all suffered, but my brother died suddenly without suffering almost no suffer, but the suffering was enormous for all of us because we were not prepared for his death.


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## ricechickie (Apr 10, 2017)

Dalia said:


> yiostheoy said:
> 
> 
> > Philosophically, everyone needs to deal with death, since everyone and everything dies.
> ...



I think, overall, it was better that we were somewhat prepared.  I also have since found out that my husband seemed more aware of his impending death then he let on.  That makes me sad, because I hope he didn't feel isolated.


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## Dalia (Apr 10, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> Dalia said:
> 
> 
> > yiostheoy said:
> ...


I believe that sometimes a person know what will die
The love of a loved one we do not want him to suffer, the disease is cruel we must give more love is what I did for my father while he was suffering, I still cry is dead and after so long. I would always love him.


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## Dalia (Apr 10, 2017)

Last year I lost loved ones, I also lost my brother in law, he was ambulance man a magnificent person, courageous up to the end.
He died of cancer of the throat, the last days he made preparations for his departure, he knew he was going to die, but he was not yet married with my sister who not very rich and he wanted to make sure What is the right for her the same advantage as if she were his wife, he dressed in suffering and he went down to the chapel of the hospital to marry her, he died the same day.


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## ricechickie (Apr 10, 2017)

Dalia said:


> Last year I lost loved ones, I also lost my brother in law, he was ambulance man a magnificent person, courageous up to the end.
> He died of cancer of the throat, the last days he made preparations for his departure, he knew he was going to die, but he was not yet married with my sister who not very rich and he wanted to make sure What is the right for her the same advantage as if she were his wife, he dressed in suffering and he went down to the chapel of the hospital to marry her, he died the same day.



That's very sad, but beautiful that he gave her the security he could.


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## Dalia (Apr 10, 2017)

Yes, he always save life, he told me so many stories about the fact that he had to react at time to save someone.
To the end that what he did.


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## Dalia (Apr 10, 2017)

I lost my brother on christmas day 2015 but I did not live with him as his girlfriend she loved him so much, she told me the most difficult it was that she always saw the decorations of christmas in the house that he had put that day and all the objects that belong to him, the hardest thing for her was to remove the items that belong to him. All his daily life.
Now she goes a little better, but she had grown thin, she is well surrounded by people who love her very much, it's help her a lot


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## Michelle420 (May 22, 2017)

Dalia said:


> I lost my brother on christmas day 2015 but I did not live with him as his girlfriend she loved him so much, she told me the most difficult it was that she always saw the decorations of christmas in the house that he had put that day and all the objects that belong to him, the hardest thing for her was to remove the items that belong to him. All his daily life.
> Now she goes a little better, but she had grown thin, she is well surrounded by people who love her very much, it's help her a lot



Were you and your brother close? I lost my sister and I feel an emptiness that I can;t call her or share something funny I came across.


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## ricechickie (May 22, 2017)

drifter said:


> Dalia said:
> 
> 
> > I lost my brother on christmas day 2015 but I did not live with him as his girlfriend she loved him so much, she told me the most difficult it was that she always saw the decorations of christmas in the house that he had put that day and all the objects that belong to him, the hardest thing for her was to remove the items that belong to him. All his daily life.
> ...



I'm sorry for your loss.


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## Michelle420 (May 22, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> drifter said:
> 
> 
> > Dalia said:
> ...



I'm sorry for yours too. How long were you married?


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## ricechickie (May 22, 2017)

drifter said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > drifter said:
> ...



20 years.

When did your sister pass?


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## Michelle420 (May 22, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> drifter said:
> 
> 
> > ricechickie said:
> ...



That's a long time. 

My sister died in June 2013, and still every year on her death date I feel awful. She was on a life support and I was there when they took her off. It was the worst thing I ever went through. 3 of her kids were there and left the room. It was ruled Suicide.


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## Dalia (May 22, 2017)

drifter said:


> Dalia said:
> 
> 
> > I lost my brother on christmas day 2015 but I did not live with him as his girlfriend she loved him so much, she told me the most difficult it was that she always saw the decorations of christmas in the house that he had put that day and all the objects that belong to him, the hardest thing for her was to remove the items that belong to him. All his daily life.
> ...


Sorry drifter for your lost, i adore my Brother and i miss him so much.


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## ricechickie (May 22, 2017)

drifter said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > drifter said:
> ...



I'm so sorry.  So you're getting around to the anniversary.  I've only been through one so far.  It was bad.


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## Michelle420 (May 22, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> drifter said:
> 
> 
> > ricechickie said:
> ...



Yeah I am better now but every year in June I get flooded with memories of that day. I remember when I held her hand it was cold, and my mom kept praying and talking to her and I didn't want to say mom I think she's passed away already. Because I was hoping my mom's prayers would come true and my sister would wake up.But then the doctor said they were taking her off the support and that was that.


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## Michelle420 (May 22, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> drifter said:
> 
> 
> > ricechickie said:
> ...



Yours is in November?


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## ricechickie (May 22, 2017)

My husband was DNR.  I was there when he took his last breath.  His breathing was actually very labored, so when he stopped it was like an explosion of silence.


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## ricechickie (May 22, 2017)

drifter said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > drifter said:
> ...



Right before Thanksgiving.  6 days before his birthday.


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## Michelle420 (May 22, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> My husband was DNR.  I was there when he took his last breath.  His breathing was actually very labored, so when he stopped it was like an explosion of silence.



So awful. I totally understand how bad it feels. It's the worst.


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## Michelle420 (May 22, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> drifter said:
> 
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> > ricechickie said:
> ...



Wow. Do you have a lot of family around you that keeps up with you?


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## ricechickie (May 22, 2017)

Thanks for your kind words.


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## ricechickie (May 22, 2017)

drifter said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
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> > drifter said:
> ...



I have our kids.  Everyone else is pretty far away.


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## Michelle420 (May 22, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> drifter said:
> 
> 
> > ricechickie said:
> ...



My family is spread out. It was very traumatic because we had lost my cousin in oct, and then my dad died in jan 2013 and then my sister killed herself in June 2013. My dad and sister were alcoholics and so to make matters worse there was already a lot of heartache in our family prior to the deaths because of the addictions causing pain for everyone.


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## Dalia (May 22, 2017)

drifter said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > drifter said:
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What a loss drifter, one says to write what one feels on paper this thread helps us more than one thinks, thank you ricechickie it help to tell our pain


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## ricechickie (May 22, 2017)

drifter said:


> ricechickie said:
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> > drifter said:
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I can't even imagine.  This is one loss, and I still feel like I'm recovering.  To suffer losses close together like that must have been very difficult for you.


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## Michelle420 (May 22, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> drifter said:
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> > ricechickie said:
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It was. It changed me. I used to be sober, spiritual and hopeful. Now I just hope but don't expect much. Also, because I've had two other suicides in my family, I am always worried that if I disagree with someone in my family or have a fight that they could kill themselves if I make them mad and so I never speak up which at times makes me feel suppressed and alone.


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## Michelle420 (May 22, 2017)

Rice what do you do to help yourself get through the grief? Do you have  a support group a spiritual or religious belief system?


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## ricechickie (May 22, 2017)

drifter said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
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> > drifter said:
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That's an unfair burden you place on yourself.  

I mean, I understand how you feel, but you can't take blame for speaking your mind, if someone handles it badly.

I feel pretty isolated, too, just because no one seems to get it.


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## ricechickie (May 22, 2017)

drifter said:


> Rice what do you do to help yourself get through the grief? Do you have  a support group a spiritual or religious belief system?



I have my belief that what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.  I put one foot in front of the other.  I am not really religious.

I've kept a lot of his stuff around.  I talk to people about him. The kids are pretty supportive.

 I drink. 

They are not all healthy coping mechanisms.

How about you?


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## Michelle420 (May 22, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> drifter said:
> 
> 
> > ricechickie said:
> ...



It's not about the blame. It's that I don't want to lose someone and have to feel the sorrow later all because I upset them. It's not worth it ever.

My boyfriends dad passed away a year ago of lung cancer and his parents were married forever too. His mom feels totally alone and lonely. She said even friends she and her husband were friends with act different with her now that he's gone. Like they did things as a couple with other couples and so those couples don't seem to keep up with her as much now.


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## Michelle420 (May 22, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> drifter said:
> 
> 
> > Rice what do you do to help yourself get through the grief? Do you have  a support group a spiritual or religious belief system?
> ...



Same I turned to some substance abuse. But I am trying to get better now. Sometimes I fail.


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## ricechickie (May 22, 2017)

drifter said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > drifter said:
> ...



I like to think I use alcohol, but that I'm not abusing it.  At first, it was mindless drinking.  Now I try to be mindful.


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## Dalia (May 22, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> My husband was DNR.  I was there when he took his last breath.  His breathing was actually very labored, so when he stopped it was like an explosion of silence.


That it is difficult to lose a person we love, me every time a close person died I did not see him die I was not there only after but my mother was present when my father is gone before he looked at her in the eyes he told her : I would always love you my love.


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## Michelle420 (May 22, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> drifter said:
> 
> 
> > ricechickie said:
> ...



I am trying to be mindful too. I am getting more into long walks now that the weather is nice. I am hoping to take two trips in June and keep busy that month. We will see.


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## Michelle420 (May 22, 2017)

Dalia said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > My husband was DNR.  I was there when he took his last breath.  His breathing was actually very labored, so when he stopped it was like an explosion of silence.
> ...



So you lost your dad and brother? I'm so sorry.


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## Dalia (May 22, 2017)

drifter said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > drifter said:
> ...


I did drink after the dead of my fahter and my brother because i did want to take drug ( pharmacie) because we become more addicted then the alcool, i believe ?


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## Michelle420 (May 22, 2017)

Dalia said:


> drifter said:
> 
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> > ricechickie said:
> ...



Same thing happened to me. But I am now working on not doing it.


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## Dalia (May 22, 2017)

drifter said:


> Dalia said:
> 
> 
> > ricechickie said:
> ...


Yes, my father it is a long time ago 17 years but i worry for my mom she so adorable, but she have a lot people around her who loves and cares for her and that make me happy


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## Dalia (May 22, 2017)

drifter said:


> Dalia said:
> 
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> > drifter said:
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The same for me but the date that reminded me of my brother is the hardest an We had a lot in common then everything makes me think of him, music, film


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## Michelle420 (May 22, 2017)

Dalia said:


> drifter said:
> 
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> > Dalia said:
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How long has your brother been gone? I totally understand missing your sibling.


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## Dalia (May 22, 2017)

drifter said:


> Dalia said:
> 
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> > drifter said:
> ...


He died on December 25, 2015 ... and he was not sick at least I did not know he suddenly died a heart attack his wife my sister-in-law lost in the space of three years her mother, Her father and my brother, she is now alone in the apartment and the times are hard, but I am here for her, she is a good person who has suffered to much.


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## Michelle420 (May 22, 2017)

Dalia said:


> drifter said:
> 
> 
> > Dalia said:
> ...



That's still pretty fresh and how awful to happen on Christmas. Your sister in law is lucky to have you still there for her. I understand how she must feel to lose that many people as I lost three in a year.

Just like you and your brother, me and my sister enjoyed music and movies a lot!!!!! So I miss having someone to share that with on the level we did.


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## TyroneSlothrop (May 22, 2017)

There are no sorrows that we cannot rise above ....The Voice of Experience...


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## Dalia (May 22, 2017)

drifter said:


> Dalia said:
> 
> 
> > drifter said:
> ...


He pass away on Christmas day that day that he love so much he was a quiet person, he was happy on every Christmas day he like to offert and he give me so much memories i think like your sister because we were family and We grew up together


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## Dalia (May 22, 2017)

TyroneSlothrop said:


> There are no sorrows that we cannot rise above ....The Voice of Experience...


One must believe when one suffers and Time heals the wound and will remain the memories to us.


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## Michelle420 (May 22, 2017)

Dalia said:


> TyroneSlothrop said:
> 
> 
> > There are no sorrows that we cannot rise above ....The Voice of Experience...
> ...



I think it's hard to rise above sorrow. The best way for me is simply to distract myself from thinking about it.


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## Dalia (May 22, 2017)

drifter said:


> Dalia said:
> 
> 
> > TyroneSlothrop said:
> ...


That true , it took me so long to realize to he was really gone it help to do Something to change the mind but i want to talk about it to remind me of him  grieving is a hard thing to do.


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## Michelle420 (May 22, 2017)

Dalia said:


> drifter said:
> 
> 
> > Dalia said:
> ...



It is and I took a thanatology class and there's really no right or wrong way, you just feel what you feel.


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## Dalia (May 23, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> yiostheoy said:
> 
> 
> > ricechickie you need to pour out all the liquor.
> ...


Nobody has the right to criticize you is your pain ... you must move forward without the man you love and you are brave and you grieve that all of us who have testified to your thread


ricechickie said:


> yiostheoy said:
> 
> 
> > ricechickie you need to pour out all the liquor.
> ...


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## Michelle420 (May 23, 2017)

I will add this for anyone interested. It helped me a little bit: I wasn't ready to say Goodbye Workbook Healing after the Sudden Death of a Loved one.



> [A workbook of healing and hope Based on the bestselling book I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: surviving, coping and healing after the sudden death of a loved one, this workbook offers step-by-step support and encouragement through the grief journey. Now there is a hand to hold Each year about eight million Americans suffer the death of a close family member. The list of high visibility disasters, human suffering and sudden loss in long and will continue to grow/QUOTE]
> 
> You can fund it on amazon or google books or barnes & noble.


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## Dalia (May 23, 2017)

Writing what we feel is preferable sometimes we can not express it out loud I say what I think, what I feel but express the loss of a loved one is impossible when the pain is too great.
The memories hurt us because we can no longer relive it and the person left forever is the cruelty of life. But there is always someone to reach out to

A song that help me with the lost of my brother


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## ricechickie (May 23, 2017)

Dalia said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > yiostheoy said:
> ...



Yiostheoy was coming from a position of concern, I believe.  I didn't feel too criticized.  But even if he was, I take it with a grain of salt.


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## Dalia (May 23, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> Dalia said:
> 
> 
> > ricechickie said:
> ...


Hello ricechickie i was not talking about him he really help me at the forum with a other thread i was more saying that in général people could not always understand the pain of grieving and we could feel like drinking
Some people around me seem to think that after a few months i should not been so hurt but no i am still very hurt.


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## ricechickie (May 23, 2017)

Dalia said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > Dalia said:
> ...



I understand.  It takes so long, doesn't it?  I'm surprised after a year and a half, it is so raw.


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## Dalia (May 23, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> Dalia said:
> 
> 
> > ricechickie said:
> ...


Time heals any wound but the presence of the loved one causes pain and for me it's Christmas day it will never be as before


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## Michelle420 (May 23, 2017)

Dalia said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > Dalia said:
> ...



Early June for me.


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## TNHarley (May 23, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> One of the last coherent things he said was that I should go on and be happy.  I hang onto that.  I have no shame in enjoying my life.  That was gift he gave me.


That's wonderful, rice!


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## iamwhatiseem (May 23, 2017)

What a blow...Dad's birthday is next Friday. First one without him.
Sometimes, in the middle of whatever your doing....something like that just kicks you in the stomach.
I was remember when I was 7 or 8 and I saved 2 weeks allowance to buy him a big bag of Peanut M&M's...his favorite.


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## ricechickie (May 23, 2017)

TNHarley said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > One of the last coherent things he said was that I should go on and be happy.  I hang onto that.  I have no shame in enjoying my life.  That was gift he gave me.
> ...



It's something to hold onto.


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## TNHarley (May 23, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> TNHarley said:
> 
> 
> > ricechickie said:
> ...


IMO that statement alone said a lot about you guys relationship


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## ricechickie (May 23, 2017)

iamwhatiseem said:


> What a blow...Dad's birthday is next Friday. First one without him.
> Sometimes, in the middle of whatever your doing....something like that just kicks you in the stomach.
> I was remember when I was 7 or 8 and I saved 2 weeks allowance to buy him a big bag of Peanut M&M's...his favorite.



I'm sorry for your loss.  What a sweet memory.

I do know about the kicked in the stomach feeling....


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## ricechickie (May 23, 2017)

TNHarley said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > TNHarley said:
> ...



He was a good man, and he knew how to love.


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## Michelle420 (May 23, 2017)

iamwhatiseem said:


> What a blow...Dad's birthday is next Friday. First one without him.
> Sometimes, in the middle of whatever your doing....something like that just kicks you in the stomach.
> I was remember when I was 7 or 8 and I saved 2 weeks allowance to buy him a big bag of Peanut M&M's...his favorite.



First one is really hard without your loved one.


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## iamwhatiseem (May 23, 2017)

drifter said:


> iamwhatiseem said:
> 
> 
> > What a blow...Dad's birthday is next Friday. First one without him.
> ...



Yeah.....Fathers Day just around corner too...


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## Michelle420 (May 23, 2017)

iamwhatiseem said:


> drifter said:
> 
> 
> > iamwhatiseem said:
> ...



We will be here for you. Hang in there.


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## Michelle420 (Dec 31, 2017)

Well, we survived another year. Still, miss my loved ones. Holidays suck sometimes.


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## ricechickie (Dec 31, 2017)

drifter said:


> Well, we survived another year. Still, miss my loved ones. Holidays suck sometimes.



I don’t know if I’ll ever enjoy holidays again.

Too many memory-evoking days in a short amount of time, between Nov. 23 and Jan 1.


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## Michelle420 (Dec 31, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> drifter said:
> 
> 
> > Well, we survived another year. Still, miss my loved ones. Holidays suck sometimes.
> ...



Well they are almost over. I was reflecting about how hard holidays are for some people and how some people even spend it all alone. This year I was more into the holidays which was the first time since the deaths of my family in 2013.


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## ricechickie (Dec 31, 2017)

drifter said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > drifter said:
> ...



I’m happy for you, then.

For me, it’s only been two years.  Maybe it’ll change in time, but I am doing what’s best for me right now.


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## Michelle420 (Dec 31, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> drifter said:
> 
> 
> > ricechickie said:
> ...



I understand.


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## Dalia (Dec 31, 2017)

Bonjour, i am still grieving for the lost of my brother that happen on Christmas day 2015 so much memorie that come to me...it hurt and i try my best to not brake down in front of everyone one on Christmas day. Now a close friend is at the hospital with a cancer and i don't think he will survive. i send SMS to talk with him i will go see him but it is hard because he was such a stronge man ( militaire) and he got sick suddenly


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## ricechickie (Dec 31, 2017)

Dalia said:


> Bonjour, i am still grieving for the lost of my brother that happen on Christmas day 2015 so much memorie that come to me...it hurt and i try my best to not brake down in front of everyone one on Christmas day. Now a close friend is at the hospital with a cancer and i don't think he will survive. i send SMS to talk with him i will go see him but it is hard because he was such a stronge man ( militaire) and he got sick suddenly



I’m so sorry, Dalia.  I wish peace for you in the new year.


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## strollingbones (Dec 31, 2017)

my father died on dec 21 many years ago.....people filled the house with poinsettias....i still cant stand them  if anyone gives me one....i just return it to them


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## Michelle420 (Dec 31, 2017)

Dalia said:


> Bonjour, i am still grieving for the lost of my brother that happen on Christmas day 2015 so much memorie that come to me...it hurt and i try my best to not brake down in front of everyone one on Christmas day. Now a close friend is at the hospital with a cancer and i don't think he will survive. i send SMS to talk with him i will go see him but it is hard because he was such a stronge man ( militaire) and he got sick suddenly


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## evenflow1969 (Dec 31, 2017)

drifter said:


> Dalia said:
> 
> 
> > Bonjour, i am still grieving for the lost of my brother that happen on Christmas day 2015 so much memorie that come to me...it hurt and i try my best to not brake down in front of everyone one on Christmas day. Now a close friend is at the hospital with a cancer and i don't think he will survive. i send SMS to talk with him i will go see him but it is hard because he was such a stronge man ( militaire) and he got sick suddenly


Good writtens to this year! I lost two uncles, my 21 year old yellow lab, my best freinds wife, shut down a 25 year old buisness, started divorce proceedings, and have had my assets frozen for a little over a year now. As far as greiving goes, I have not had the time for it.


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## Gracie (Dec 31, 2017)

I missed this thread I guess.

RiceChickie...I don't know what to say except...you are a very kind person and I am sorry you are dealing with this. Just reading you talk about him makes me sad for you..but happy too because you had such a wonderful husband. He is not dead, hon. He is just on another plain. You will see him again.


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## MaryL (Dec 31, 2017)

Well, yes. Spouses, parents, children or pets. Even people  you never knew, those innocent bystanders you saw die. It's weird, you live another day and  you get past  all of their losses. That is what life is all about. And then...


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## Gracie (Dec 31, 2017)

I am just thankful that November and December are now over. Hallelujah.


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## Gracie (Dec 31, 2017)

Do you still have your kitty, Rice? I know that the one that just adopted us has been a blessing. She belongs to the neighbors but is here with us every day and night. She has all her own toys, food we buy her, and MrGracie seems a bit happier when she is around cuz I hear him laughing when she is in there playing with his toes under the blankets. Animals are wonderful at soothing. But its just as hard when they die, too. 

Anyway...how is the kitty?


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## DarkFury (Dec 31, 2017)

*The older I get the more I lose. I have often said the price of long life is you have to bury the ones you love.*


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## Vastator (Dec 31, 2017)

ricechickie said:


> I lost my husband in November 2015.  Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently?  Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.
> 
> Anyway, I guess I felt like sharing.


Lost my wife, and daughter going on three years ago now... Holidays have never been the same. You never get over it. You just learn to live with it.


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## Gracie (Dec 31, 2017)

Vastator said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > I lost my husband in November 2015.  Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently?  Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.
> ...


BOTH??? Omg. I am so sorry!


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## MaryL (Jan 1, 2018)

We all secretly grieve. Or not. Both my parents died years ago, as well as some of my friends and acquaintances. Auld lang sine, you move on, Happy new year, yadda yadda.


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## Moonglow (Jan 1, 2018)

It used to bother me deeply, yet I had to leave that scene...Before it was too late...


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## Yarddog (Jan 1, 2018)

ricechickie said:


> I lost my husband in November 2015.  Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently?  Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.
> 
> Anyway, I guess I felt like sharing.




     Sorry ricechickie,  it's a hard loss. havn't had one like that,  but I did lose my dad to inoperable throat and stomach cancer when I was 24. that was a while ago.  We went down to Mexico as a last ditch effort to visit a alternative clinic but it was pretty much too late.


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## ricechickie (Jan 1, 2018)

Gracie said:


> Do you still have your kitty, Rice? I know that the one that just adopted us has been a blessing. She belongs to the neighbors but is here with us every day and night. She has all her own toys, food we buy her, and MrGracie seems a bit happier when she is around cuz I hear him laughing when she is in there playing with his toes under the blankets. Animals are wonderful at soothing. But its just as hard when they die, too.
> 
> Anyway...how is the kitty?



I have three cats. The “new” kitten is now a full-grown jerk.  He’s always getting into things he shouldn’t. He tries to play too rough with the older cats.  It’s equal parts amusing and exasperating. I love him.


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## ricechickie (Jan 1, 2018)

Vastator said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > I lost my husband in November 2015.  Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently?  Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.
> ...



I’m so sorry for your loss.


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## ricechickie (Jan 1, 2018)

Yarddog said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > I lost my husband in November 2015.  Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently?  Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.
> ...



I’m sorry for your loss.


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## Marion Morrison (Jan 1, 2018)

ricechickie said:


> Gracie said:
> 
> 
> > Do you still have your kitty, Rice? I know that the one that just adopted us has been a blessing. She belongs to the neighbors but is here with us every day and night. She has all her own toys, food we buy her, and MrGracie seems a bit happier when she is around cuz I hear him laughing when she is in there playing with his toes under the blankets. Animals are wonderful at soothing. But its just as hard when they die, too.
> ...



My 2 inside cats are perpetually mischievious! They're always all like: "Look daddy, I'm gonna do this". I'm gonna sneak out when you take out the garbage and have you chase me back in! 

9 years old they are.  Literally, and perpetually in the head, too!

I don't wanna talk about grieving.


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## Dalia (Jan 17, 2018)

I just lost a very close friend he was 51 years old, he died Monday.

I am devastated, I miss him already.


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## ricechickie (Jan 17, 2018)

Dalia said:


> I just lost a very close friend he was 51 years old, he died Monday.
> 
> I am devastated, I miss him already.



So sorry, Dalia.


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## Dalia (Jan 17, 2018)

ricechickie said:


> Dalia said:
> 
> 
> > I just lost a very close friend he was 51 years old, he died Monday.
> ...


Thank you ricechickie , he was such a nice person A soldier with a big heart.


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## sealybobo (Jan 17, 2018)

ricechickie said:


> I lost my husband in November 2015.  Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently?  Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.
> 
> Anyway, I guess I felt like sharing.



We lost my mom August 2016 and my dad just can't get over it.  How long has it been for you?  How long were you together?  Did you love each other a lot?  How old are you?  What do you do to get through the days?  I keep telling him he needs to go get a gym membership, a job or find some friends.  Do you have friends?  Do they help you not be lonely?  Is it getting easier over time?  I will tell him what you tell me.  God bless you.  Sorry for your loss.


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## ricechickie (Jan 17, 2018)

sealybobo said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > I lost my husband in November 2015.  Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently?  Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.
> ...



It’s been two years since he passed. We were together for 22 years, celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary.  We loved each other a lot, but we had our ups and downs.  That’s just being honest.  I knew for years that he would go first, he had quite a few health problems.  Still, it happened sooner than I expected.

I have a few other friends, but he was my “go to” person, so that makes things super lonely.  I never know who to tell the things that I would have told him. Because he was the one I told everything.

I was 42 when I lost him.  He was almost 54.  I had just started a new job when he died, so I jumped right back into work.  That helped me the most.  I joined a bereavement support group, but they were all so much older and I gave it up quickly.  Still, it might be an option for your dad.

Tell him it does get easier over time.  I never tried to stop the tears because I feel like you just have to let it out to get through.  But it’s such a huge life-changing event, it takes a long time to normalize again.  Everything feels wrong for a while.

Please give your dad my condolences.  I wish him peace through his grief.


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## Yarddog (Jan 18, 2018)

Dalia said:


> I just lost a very close friend he was 51 years old, he died Monday.
> 
> I am devastated, I miss him already.


 
Owwww. Sorry Dalia, it's tough as we go on in life, and we lose those we have known for so long, sometimes the world seems a lonelier place because of it. Maybe it's because we can't find people who understand us the way that they did


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## PixieStix (Jan 18, 2018)

ricechickie said:


> I lost my husband in November 2015.  Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently?  Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.
> 
> Anyway, I guess I felt like sharing.


So sorry for your loss. I completely understand where you are. I lost my husband in a tragic car accident 11 years ago. It still seems like yesterday when I last saw him. He was the love of my life.  The really sad thing is that he was buried on our anniversary. I will never forget how confused I was. I did not understand why he had to be taken at such a young age. I was angry and had to start my whole life all over again when I just wanted him back. 

I had to learn who I was without him, I felt a part of me died that day (because it did). I got busy very busy with redecorating my home ect.. started a new job and was scared to death every day. I did all that I could think of to plan for the future. But I found out you can only plan so much, cause life and unfortunately death happens.

18 months later my nephew was killed. He was only 18. They found my sister in law dead the day of his funeral. 7 weeks later my niece and her husband was killed in a horrible car accident. Leaving behind a 9 year old girl, a 5 year old boy and a 6 month old baby. My brother lost both of his kids in a 7 week span. Needless to say it has torn my family apart. My Brother adopted his grandkids. Poor guy. it breaks my heart to know that he will feel the worst kind of pain anyone can ever feel for the rest of his life.

When my Dad got sick with acute myloid lukemia a few years ago. We all briefly came together for him. He died a year later only to push us all further apart. Personally I will never understand why, but I think it may have to do with pain, when we see each other we feel pain, I don't know it is just a guess. OMG when my Mom dies, I hope things don't get worse. 

Hang in there sweety, knowing who you are and what you want will get you through. Stay close to family.


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## sealybobo (Jan 18, 2018)

Yarddog said:


> Dalia said:
> 
> 
> > I just lost a very close friend he was 51 years old, he died Monday.
> ...


I feel my dad put all his eggs in one basket. He should have had friends


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## yiostheoy (Jan 18, 2018)

Dalia said:


> I just lost a very close friend he was 51 years old, he died Monday.
> 
> I am devastated, I miss him already.


You've had a tough year Dalia .

First the cat.

Now the close friend.

The best understanding of death comes from Modern Philosophy.

There is a chapter on death in every Modern Philosophy book written.

Generally, death has been happening for millions of years since life first appeared on the Earth.  Mammals have been here for 30 million years.  Humans for about 2 million.

Anything that has been happening for millions of years should not surprise anybody.  Best thing is to accept it as inevitable for everyone and everything.  That's the philosophical point of view.

It is like a journey, with certain people leaving from time to time.

They probably went someplace else and simply left their bodies behind -- this is philosophical also.

You will probably get to see them again in another state of consciousness -- this too is philosophical.

So you just need to wait and make the best out of what you have now.

I would definitely get another cat.

And there is probably someone else who could use your friendship too.


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## yiostheoy (Jan 18, 2018)

If you are Catholic then you are supposed to pray for the dead.

However praying for the dead makes no sense to me.

Praying for the living seems more consequential.


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## yiostheoy (Jan 18, 2018)

As a Deist rather than a Theist, praying at all, other than to give thanks, makes no sense to me either.

I do not believe God interferes in the lives of humans.

I believe the Great Watchmaker made the watch and now it ticks on its own.


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## yiostheoy (Jan 18, 2018)

Don't get me started on Time either.

Time simply does not exist.

But we do make watches to tell us what time it is.

It is always now.

We have memories of the past and plans for the future but we live in a continuous present which does not change.


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## Dalia (Jan 18, 2018)

Yarddog said:


> Dalia said:
> 
> 
> > I just lost a very close friend he was 51 years old, he died Monday.
> ...


It's true what you say  Yarddog , he cares for me a lot I saw him almost every day and the memories come back to me.
And sadness of sadness I received the announcement of his death by SMS because my phone did not work well.
See a message this way it gives you a shot it is devastating


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## Dalia (Jan 18, 2018)

yiostheoy said:


> Dalia said:
> 
> 
> > I just lost a very close friend he was 51 years old, he died Monday.
> ...


Thanks to you yiostheoy , since 2015 and the loss of my brother on Christmas day I lost a lot of people around me if it continues like this I will find myself alone.
2015: my brother
2016: my sister's husband and a friend
2017: my precious Pomponette and now my friend so close to me.
Life is cruel and this thread helps a lot people who need to say their pain I thank the OP for that.


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## deannalw (Jan 18, 2018)

Beautiful thread Ricechickie.


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## Old Rocks (Jan 20, 2018)

One of the sad things about getting old is that there is an increasing tattoo of funerals of friends, relatives, and peers to go to. And each is different, and strikes us in a different manner. At 74, I still have my mother, who is 93, but her brothers and sisters who are still alive are all in their 80's and 90's. And Dad, and all his brothers and sisters are already gone. 

For me, some parts of the grieving never quite end. I had a first cousin that was my best friend and a fellow millwright, we worked on many jobs together, that died of an asbestos related cancer 13 years ago. When I get a particularly gnarly job or one that has a peculiar twist to it, I still find myself thinking, "wait until I tell Dave about this one". And there are some songs that Dad used to play on his guitar, he had a beautiful high tenor voice, that when I hear them, I have a hard time holding the tears back. Yes, life is for the living, and we must continue to live it to the fullest, but there are special people in all our lives that will be with us for the rest of the time we have allotted, and we will miss them always.


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## Dalia (Jan 22, 2018)

Hello, Saturday I was at the funeral of my friend, at the church I was sitting at the back of the church and I was waiting I looked at his picture of my decease friend and people arrived there were a lot of people and his wife and his son passed by me crying they looked at me that it's hard to see someone suffer so much and I know what it is.
At the end of the ceremony I went out with my three friends and there it was raining all at once and the hearse came and they carry out the coffin from the church and I saw through the glass his coffin and the flowers the people pushed to let the hearse  past but I stayed there in front and I said Au Revoir Jean-Yves with my hand.
And strangely because I did that, it helped me


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## Witchit (Mar 24, 2018)

I lost my mom 2/13/2011 after a long battle with Lewy Body Dementia.

I lost my baby sister 5/29/14 after a long battle with chronic alcoholism.

I lost my nephew, her son, 12/18/16 because essentially life is pain, and he'd lost too much, too young. He was sixteen.

My sister and I are only thirteen months apart, and we're pretty much inseparable because in large part we are all we have left.

We each have an offspring who is married and has two and three children respectively, but our family of origin was a family of six, now down to three.

The grieving shows up at the damnedest times. I think my sister may be jealous because I frequently see our loved ones in my dreams, and she either doesn't dream or doesn't remember.

I generally refer to it as a 'tsunami of grief' because it does feel like drowning and the only words left are "no" and "why." And then there's the times I just sit here with tears leaking from my eyes. Not crying. No sobbing, no noise. Just tears. 

I have a small bottle of Shalimar. It was my mom's favorite perfume. I take off the topper and smell it just to feel close to her, sometimes.

The death of a marriage (2008) as opposed to the death of a spouse? You miss hugs, hearing I love you every day. Holding hands, saying the same thing at the same time and declaring one of us unnecessary, lol! 

Life was very good until suddenly it wasn't.

To the OP, I am sorry for your loss. Since the death was unexpected, it's worse in a way. Just my opinion. You don't get to brace yourself, you just get blindsided, so it's a two-fold emotional crippling: shock, and loss.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 24, 2018)

Witchit I checked and ricechickie is still around here but spends most of her time in the FZ where people insult each other superfluously.

So she has left the grieving stage and has entered the blaming stage, on this.  She blames the other dumbazzes in the FZ for everything.

It means she is further along the road to recovery and it's looking good.

More practically speaking, if you cannot be with the one you love then love the one youre with.


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## ricechickie (Mar 24, 2018)

yiostheoy said:


> Witchit I checked and ricechickie is still around here but spends most of her time in the FZ where people insult each other superfluously.
> 
> So she has left the grieving stage and has entered the blaming stage, on this.  She blames the other dumbazzes in the FZ for everything.
> 
> ...



Umm, I’ve never heard of the “blaming” stage.  But then again, I don’t see grieving as a checklist.

I’m just doing my best to live on my own two feet and decide what I want out of my future.

I also spend time reading and posting in the Coffee Shop.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 24, 2018)

ricechickie said:


> yiostheoy said:
> 
> 
> > Witchit I checked and ricechickie is still around here but spends most of her time in the FZ where people insult each other superfluously.
> ...


It's how you vent your anger.

Five Stages of Grief by Elisabeth Kubler Ross & David Kessler


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## ricechickie (Mar 24, 2018)

yiostheoy said:


> ricechickie said:
> 
> 
> > yiostheoy said:
> ...



I don’t necessarily believe in those stages.


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## Dalia (Mar 28, 2018)

When a person we love sometime a song reminds us of this person me my friend who leaves us in January is this song that we were listening together his favorite song in the spring and summer talking at my patio, he is gone I  will miss him this spring and summer.


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## Witchit (Mar 28, 2018)

Dalia said:


> When a person we love sometime a song reminds us of this person me my friend who leaves us in January is this song that we were listening together his favorite song in the spring and summer talking at my patio, he is gone I  will miss him this spring and summer.



I completely lost it when I heard "Brown Eyed Girl" in the final days of my sister's life.


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## Dalia (Mar 28, 2018)

Witchit said:


> Dalia said:
> 
> 
> > When a person we love sometime a song reminds us of this person me my friend who leaves us in January is this song that we were listening together his favorite song in the spring and summer talking at my patio, he is gone I  will miss him this spring and summer.
> ...


Sorry for your lost, it is a good song that remind you of your sister , so sorry for you, me i lost my brother i know the pain 
This is the song that was playing when i learn that he pass away.


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## Witchit (Mar 28, 2018)

We got the phone call the evening of Memorial Day, 2014 that my little sister was in ICU, organs failing. We'd been estranged for years, and my first thought was "What if she's not actually dying, and I get sucked back into that toxic environment?" But she was. I went to say good-bye Tuesday afternoon, and so that song .....


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## Witchit (Mar 28, 2018)

Then Thursday they said they were removing her from life support. I said no, I've already said good-bye. 

My older sister called at 3:40 pm and said she was gone - but that was when they removed her. I knew she was gone at 2:30 when I lost my damn mind during this song. That's when I knew there was such a thing as a tsunami of grief.


At "sail on, silver girl" ... I can't.

I'm 11.5 years older than my baby sister so she wasn't just my sister, I was inordinately aware of her as a small helpless being, as opposed to me, headed for teenhood. So when my heart breaks, I remember her ... we were so close though. Until she met her husband, and everything changed. We were best friends when she was in her mid- to late-teens. I pretty much lost her in 1990, and we were estranged off and on but omg did I love and miss her.

And then she was really gone, and my heart shattered.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm here listening if you want to share as well.


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## Dalia (Mar 29, 2018)

Witchit said:


> We got the phone call the evening of Memorial Day, 2014 that my little sister was in ICU, organs failing. We'd been estranged for years, and my first thought was "What if she's not actually dying, and I get sucked back into that toxic environment?" But she was. I went to say good-bye Tuesday afternoon, and so that song .....


It's sad,i am sorry for you me too I have sisters and I love it all


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## Dalia (Mar 29, 2018)

Witchit said:


> Then Thursday they said they were removing her from life support. I said no, I've already said good-bye.
> 
> My older sister called at 3:40 pm and said she was gone - but that was when they removed her. I knew she was gone at 2:30 when I lost my damn mind during this song. That's when I knew there was such a thing as a tsunami of grief.
> 
> ...


It is a remedy to speak about it even if it is not easy after the death of my father my mother was   devastated the doctor told her to write what she felt because she could not express herself


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## Michelle420 (Mar 29, 2018)

Witchit said:


> Then Thursday they said they were removing her from life support. I said no, I've already said good-bye.
> 
> My older sister called at 3:40 pm and said she was gone - but that was when they removed her. I knew she was gone at 2:30 when I lost my damn mind during this song. That's when I knew there was such a thing as a tsunami of grief.
> 
> ...



I was there when they took my sister off life support. It was devastating. Sorry for your loss.


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## Dalia (Mar 29, 2018)

Sorry for your lost drifter
There are moments when we remember moment with loved ones and other moments are lost forever.
The memory remember good or bad times and sometimes the everyday life.
I also realize that there is something strange about dates too relate to dead.
I tell you, I lost my brother on Christmas day and December 29, 2015 I was with my military friend, (i need to be just with him )who died on January 15, 2017, he was hospitalized in early December 2017 and he sent me a last SMS to tell me that he loved me very much that he was thinking of me on December 29, 2017 (I could not go see him at the hospital it was only his wife and son that  could go see him ) This last SMS was sent 2 years  day to the day he was comfortingn me after the death of my brother. He told me about death as if he knew he would die as young.


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## Michelle420 (Mar 29, 2018)

Dalia said:


> Sorry for your lost drifter
> There are moments when we remember moment with loved ones and other moments are lost forever.
> The memory remember good or bad times and sometimes the everyday life.
> I also realize that there is something strange about dates too relate to dead.
> I tell you, I lost my brother on Christmas day and December 29, 2015 I was with my military friend, (i need to be just with him )who died on January 15, 2017, he was hospitalized in early December 2017 and he sent me a last SMS to tell me that he loved me very much that he was thinking of me on December 29, 2017 (I could not go see him at the hospital it was only his wife and son that  could go see him ) This last SMS was sent 2 years  day to the day he was comfortingn me after the death of my brother. He told me about death as if he knew he would die as young.



I've had 3 suicides in my family and one murder, also outside family my mom's friend was murdered too. I think when someone suicides or is murdered it feels so awful then when someone passes from old age. It feels like there is never closure.


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## Dalia (Mar 29, 2018)

drifter said:


> Dalia said:
> 
> 
> > Sorry for your lost drifter
> ...


I'm sorry for you, it's a lot of tragedy for the same family.
A friend of mine was struck by fate, by misfortune who lost her husband, mother and father in the same year has almost no one left. this girl was bubbling with joy and now she is having trouble getting up in the morning so much she is facing grief, this year I have her come home at Christmas day in my family. she came and I'm glad I was able to give her some joy and a little less solitude


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## Michelle420 (Mar 29, 2018)

Dalia said:


> drifter said:
> 
> 
> > Dalia said:
> ...



Earnest Hemmingway's family history had 5 suicides.


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## Witchit (Mar 29, 2018)

drifter said:


> Witchit said:
> 
> 
> > Then Thursday they said they were removing her from life support. I said no, I've already said good-bye.
> ...



I'm so sorry. In a strange sense, I am grateful we were estranged because I can't even imagine the level of pain for close siblings. I've seen it, in my ex-housemate, and a dear cyber friend, both losing brothers far too young. One to manslaughter, the other to addiction.

It throws the earth off its axis, such unexpected loss.


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## Witchit (Mar 29, 2018)

My nephew just mentioned me as "my favorite aunt" so bittersweet that I am in actuality his only remaining aunt.

Speaking of strange dates - my nephew was born 6/9 and died 12/18 - double the first numbers. I don't think there's any meaning behind it, I've just always been really aware of numbers.


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## Dalia (Mar 29, 2018)

Witchit said:


> My nephew just mentioned me as "my favorite aunt" so bittersweet that I am in actuality his only remaining aunt.
> 
> Speaking of strange dates - my nephew was born 6/9 and died 12/18 - double the first numbers. I don't think there's any meaning behind it, I've just always been really aware of numbers.


I think there is something with dates, but that's my opinion. I had already had a quarrel with my brother in the past and it was December 25th 2012 he told me what would you do if you would not see me anymore? and it was the 25th of December that he pass away
And my military friend told me about January 15 in the past 2016 that for that date he could not come to see me, he was caught and he did not like that day he had something, he died that date.


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## Witchit (Mar 29, 2018)

Old Rocks said:


> One of the sad things about getting old is that there is an increasing tattoo of funerals of friends, relatives, and peers to go to. And each is different, and strikes us in a different manner. At 74, I still have my mother, who is 93, but her brothers and sisters who are still alive are all in their 80's and 90's. And Dad, and all his brothers and sisters are already gone.
> 
> For me, some parts of the grieving never quite end. I had a first cousin that was my best friend and a fellow millwright, we worked on many jobs together, that died of an asbestos related cancer 13 years ago. When I get a particularly gnarly job or one that has a peculiar twist to it, I still find myself thinking, "wait until I tell Dave about this one". And there are some songs that Dad used to play on his guitar, he had a beautiful high tenor voice, that when I hear them, I have a hard time holding the tears back. Yes, life is for the living, and we must continue to live it to the fullest, but there are special people in all our lives that will be with us for the rest of the time we have allotted, and we will miss them always.



I'm sorry for your losses. That still happens to me, too and probably most people who have loved deeply. I'll think "T would love this" "she was all about Christmas," etc. Early days, I'd turn my head and swear she was right next to me.


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## Witchit (Mar 29, 2018)

Dalia said:


> Witchit said:
> 
> 
> > My nephew just mentioned me as "my favorite aunt" so bittersweet that I am in actuality his only remaining aunt.
> ...



We need another button. Thank you! and agree aren't cutting it.


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## yiostheoy (Mar 30, 2018)

I hope ricechickie is doing better.

And I hope Dalia gets a new cat.

I love my cat.  He is The Cat.  Not just A Cat.

He is such a funny cat that he makes me laugh all the time.

He is very demanding.  He demands good food.  I provide.

He demands to go outside and play.  As long as it is dark outside then I concur.

He demands affection and cat scratches.  I am happy to oblige.

He sleeps with me at night.

If there is a prowler outside he jumps down to look out the window and this wakes me up and my 45ACP.  So he is a great watchdog too.

I love my cat.


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