# Anything Goes Humor



## Bonzi

Whatever - no topic.  Whatever you find amusing


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## aaronleland




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## Hossfly

aaronleland said:


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## Bonzi




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## Moonglow




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## IsaacNewton

Bonzi said:


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She said, "I will assume my ultimate form..."
*W...T...F*


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## Moonglow




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## aaronleland




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## Moonglow




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## Wyld Kard




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## Moonglow




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## Moonglow




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## IsaacNewton

You want to talk about empty space? The distance between George W Bush's ears is measured in lights years.

You want to talk about no brains? If brains were gasoline Sarah Palin wouldn't have enough to power a motorcycle around the outside of a dime.

Your mama's so fat her beeper went off and people thought she was backing up.

You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application.

What's the difference bewteen a 747 and a blonde? Not everyone's been on a 747.

What do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.


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## Moonglow




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## Moonglow




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## Moonglow




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## Wyld Kard




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## Moonglow




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## Wyld Kard




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## IsaacNewton




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## Wyld Kard




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## Gracie

Japanese pranks are evil but so funny!


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## Bonzi

IsaacNewton said:


> Bonzi said:
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> She said, "I will assume my ultimate form..."
> *W...T...F*
Click to expand...

 
Must have been the demon in her... ?  Sometimes the devil just wants Chicken Nuggets!


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## ABikerSailor

Little Billy walked up to his dad one day, and asked his father, "Dad, what's sex?"

His father immediately went over and grabbed his mother, dragged her upstairs, stripped her down and threw her on the bed.  His father then pointed at his mother and said "Billy, see that hole on your mother, surrounded by hair"?  Billy nodded that he did, whereupon his father said "Well.........WATCH THIS!", and then proceeded to pound the old lady through the bedsprings. 

A few minutes later, Sister Suzy walked in and asked what was going on.  Billy pointed over at their parents, and informed her that they were having sex. 

Suzy then asked, "what's sex"?

Billy immediately stripped off all of his clothes, pointed towards their parents and stated "See that hole on Dad, surrounded by hair?  WATCH THIS!".


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## Gracie




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## Gracie




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## Gracie




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## Gracie




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## IsaacNewton

RULE #2 - The Double Tap 



One of my favorite movies.


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## Bonzi




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Wyld Kard




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi

WillHaftawaite said:


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I'd run into the bathroom


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## Hugo Furst

Available on a variety of websites


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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst

Bonzi said:


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Poor strippers and go go girls will have to shop elsewhere


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## Bonzi

WillHaftawaite said:


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> Poor strippers and go go girls will have to shop elsewhere
Click to expand...

 
I have a friend that keeps her cell phone in her bra.
We were at lunch and she said, you should not keep your cell phone in your bra. And I'm like WHAT?  Who does that (she does.. or did) - apparently there are studies that say it causes breast cancer. 

Kinda tacky to me.. but what do I know!


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## Bruce_T_Laney




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## dilloduck

Bonzi said:


> WillHaftawaite said:
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> Poor strippers and go go girls will have to shop elsewhere
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> I have a friend that keeps her cell phone in her bra.
> We were at lunch and she said, you should not keep your cell phone in your bra. And I'm like WHAT?  Who does that (she does.. or did) - apparently there are studies that say it causes breast cancer.
> 
> Kinda tacky to me.. but what do I know!
Click to expand...




Bonzi said:


> WillHaftawaite said:
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> Poor strippers and go go girls will have to shop elsewhere
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> I have a friend that keeps her cell phone in her bra.
> We were at lunch and she said, you should not keep your cell phone in your bra. And I'm like WHAT?  Who does that (she does.. or did) - apparently there are studies that say it causes breast cancer.
> 
> Kinda tacky to me.. but what do I know!
Click to expand...


Prolly has it on vibrate--


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## Bonzi

If men could read Minds, every man would hide.


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## dilloduck

Bonzi said:


> If men could read Minds, every man would hide.



Sometimes we just think about getting a beer.


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## Bruce_T_Laney




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## Bonzi

who was that poster... he always said boobs, beer and something... everyone liked him.... dang can't remember his name..... looked it up Pop23


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## Bruce_T_Laney




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## Hugo Furst

dilloduck said:


> Bonzi said:
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> If men could read Minds, every man would hide.
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> Sometimes we just think about getting a beer.
Click to expand...

yup


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## Bruce_T_Laney




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## Bonzi




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## Bruce_T_Laney




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## Bruce_T_Laney




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## Bonzi

i'm too old to read that!


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## Hugo Furst

Bruce_T_Laney said:


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Got a bigger, more readable, copy?


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## Bruce_T_Laney

WillHaftawaite said:


> Bruce_T_Laney said:
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Click to expand...


It said his parents liked to wear clothes and now they're dead... Do not know why the cartoon came out small, maybe it was because of his package...


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## Bruce_T_Laney




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## Bruce_T_Laney

Bruce_T_Laney said:


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## Hugo Furst




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## Hugo Furst




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## miketx

Pogo's daughter came home form high school and asked him if she could borrow the car. He said sure, if you suck my dick. She does and afterwards says, Daddy, why does your dick taste like shit?

He said,
Your brother borrowed the car last night.


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## Bonzi

miketx said:


> Pogo's daughter came home form high school and asked him if she could borrow the car. He said sure, if you suck my dick. She does and afterwards says, Daddy, why does your dick taste like shit?
> 
> He said,
> Your brother borrowed the car last night.


 
Flame Zone my friend!


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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## miketx

Bonzi said:


> miketx said:
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> Pogo's daughter came home form high school and asked him if she could borrow the car. He said sure, if you suck my dick. She does and afterwards says, Daddy, why does your dick taste like shit?
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> He said,
> Your brother borrowed the car last night.
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> Flame Zone my friend!
Click to expand...


Oh my, I was sure it said anything goes.


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## Hugo Furst




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## Hugo Furst




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## miketx




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## miketx




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## Hugo Furst




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## miketx




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## miketx




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## miketx




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## Bonzi




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## miketx




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## Bonzi

???


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## miketx




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## Bonzi




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## namvet

???


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## miketx




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## Iceweasel

"I loved your dick pics, I'm ready for you honey."


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## Wyld Kard




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## Hugo Furst




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## Wyld Kard




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## Moonglow




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## Rouge Rover




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## Moonglow




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## Hugo Furst




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## jon_berzerk

WillHaftawaite said:


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been there 

done that


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## Rouge Rover

WillHaftawaite said:


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You left out the part about leaving a bag of flaming dog poo on his porch.


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## ChrisL




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## Rouge Rover




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## Iceweasel

Yeah, that's right. Play games with the Grin Reaper. He's rung my bell a few times.


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## ChrisL




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## Iceweasel

Rouge Rover said:


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I think that says "fuck you".


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## ChrisL




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## ChrisL




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## Rouge Rover




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## ChrisL




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## ChrisL

Oh geez.  Anything goes, right?


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## Hugo Furst




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## ChrisL




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## ChrisL




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## ChrisL




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## ChrisL




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## Rouge Rover

ChrisL said:


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I hope that's apple juice in that jug.


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## ChrisL




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst

ChrisL said:


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## ChrisL




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## ChrisL

http://data:image/jpeg;base64,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## ChrisL




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## Bonzi




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## Rouge Rover




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## ChrisL




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## ChrisL




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## ChrisL




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## Rouge Rover




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## ChrisL




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## ChrisL




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## Bonzi




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## Rouge Rover




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## ChrisL




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## Rouge Rover




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## ChrisL




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## Bonzi




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## ChrisL




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## ChrisL




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## ChrisL




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## ChrisL




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## baileyn45




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## baileyn45

THE PERFECT DAYFORHER…

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner

9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained 17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms


THE PERFECT DAYFOR HIM…

6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler

7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot showing their growlers
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson (bending over showing her growler, naturally)
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits

9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep


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## ChrisL




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## ChrisL




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## ChrisL




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## ChrisL




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## ChrisL




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## ChrisL




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## Bruce_T_Laney




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## Hugo Furst




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## baileyn45

A father buys a robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
….. "Robot for sale".


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## Hugo Furst




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## Wyld Kard




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## Bonzi




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## Wyld Kard




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## Wyld Kard




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## baileyn45

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. 

The officer said, "ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." 

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." 

The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had." The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."


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## Muhammed

Moonglow said:


>


Are you an anti-white racist?


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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## ABikerSailor

Willie was the chemist's son.
Willie is no more.
What Willie thought was H2O,
Was H2SO4.

(Figured I'd throw some geek humor in).


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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## Bonzi




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Iceweasel

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE -- PART I

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What' s the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are
sensitive, caring,and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo"


What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat".

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"!


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, "BINGO"!


A man slides next to a Mexican at the bar, then whispers if he would like a blowjob. The Mexican goes off and beats the crap out of him. Some guys come over and ask what's up. The Mexican answers "I dunno, something about getting a job".


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## Bonzi

WillHaftawaite said:


>



that is so totally disgusting.... LOL!


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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## ChrisL




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## ChrisL




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## ChrisL




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## ChrisL




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## Hugo Furst




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## The Great Goose




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## Hugo Furst




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## Hugo Furst




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## Hugo Furst




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## Hugo Furst




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi

???


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## PredFan

People keep saying that the Zika virus can be sexually transmitted. My question is how many drinks does it take to get a mosquito to go home with you?


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## PredFan

Did you know that a candle's flame smells exactly like burnt nose hair?


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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst

(Who wore it better?)


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## ChrisL




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## Bonzi




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## ABikerSailor

Did you know that 90 percent of the constipated mathematicians in America really don't give a shit?

The other 10 percent work it out with a pencil.


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## Iceweasel




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## Wyld Kard




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## PredFan




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## baileyn45

What do you have when you have 2 green balls in your hand?

Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.


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## Bonzi




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## MaryL

What's brown and sounds like a bell? *DUNG!* I stole that one.


----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Bonzi

.


----------



## Hugo Furst

Bonzi said:


> .


???


----------



## Bonzi

WillHaftawaite said:


> Bonzi said:
> 
> 
> 
> .
> 
> 
> 
> ???
Click to expand...


I found this super funny video on FB, but, it's not longer available.
I tried searching for it on the internet too with no luck....


----------



## Hugo Furst

Saw one of the Good, the Bad, the Ugly, and a cat, doing the eye thing of looking at each other during the big show down at the end of the movie.

Couldn't copy it, couldn't find it online


----------



## Geaux4it

What do say to your wife after she returns from the woman's shelter with 2 black eyes?









Nothing you haven't told her twice already

-Geaux


----------



## Bonzi

WillHaftawaite said:


> Bonzi said:
> 
> 
> 
> .
> 
> 
> 
> ???
Click to expand...


Here's a screen shot of it...... I don't know why I can't get it to post here....


----------



## ChrisL




----------



## ChrisL




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi

Finally!  Mozilla would  not let me do it.
But Explorer would!


----------



## ChrisL




----------



## Bonzi

WillHaftawaite said:


> Saw one of the Good, the Bad, the Ugly, and a cat, doing the eye thing of looking at each other during the big show down at the end of the movie.
> 
> Couldn't copy it, couldn't find it online



I wish I were this tenacious about IMPORTANT things in life!!!


----------



## ChrisL




----------



## ChrisL




----------



## Hugo Furst

https://media.giphy.com/media/3ornk3noLGE88V6xFK/giphy.gif


----------



## ChrisL




----------



## ChrisL

Bonzi said:


>



It says this video is not available.


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi

ChrisL said:


> Bonzi said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It says this video is not available.
Click to expand...


Yeah, its too bad... it's hilarious and I can't find it anywhere else...


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst

Bonzi said:


> ChrisL said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Bonzi said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It says this video is not available.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Yeah, its too bad... it's hilarious and I can't find it anywhere else...
Click to expand...



I'm seeing it with no problems


----------



## Bonzi

WillHaftawaite said:


> Bonzi said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ChrisL said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Bonzi said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It says this video is not available.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Yeah, its too bad... it's hilarious and I can't find it anywhere else...
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> I'm seeing it with no problems
Click to expand...


I think it depends on the browser you use... I could / can not see it on Mozilla FireFox


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## JustAnotherNut




----------



## JustAnotherNut




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi

Really!?  AWESOME!  I'll load up right away!


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst

Not with my sugar being suspect


----------



## Bonzi

WillHaftawaite said:


> Not with my sugar being suspect



well what can I make for you then?


----------



## Hugo Furst

a sand dune


----------



## defcon4

Bonzi said:


> WillHaftawaite said:
> 
> 
> 
> Not with my sugar being suspect
> 
> 
> 
> 
> well what can I make for you then?
Click to expand...

Stop it!


----------



## Bonzi

defcon4 said:


> Bonzi said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> WillHaftawaite said:
> 
> 
> 
> Not with my sugar being suspect
> 
> 
> 
> 
> well what can I make for you then?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Stop it!
Click to expand...

don't worry, he didn't even answer me 
besides, you know I like a man to cook/bake for me


----------



## Geaux4it

Ok- How do you get an Italian woman pregnant?







You come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest

-Geaux


----------



## Bonzi

WillHaftawaite said:


> a sand dune



does not sound very tasty....


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bill Angel




----------



## IsaacNewton

WillHaftawaite said:


>



"You will tell me when those lambs stop screaming won't you Clarice..."


----------



## ChrisL

Wildcard said:


>



Ewww.


----------



## ChrisL




----------



## ChrisL




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Moonglow

WillHaftawaite said:


>


----------



## Moonglow




----------



## Moonglow




----------



## Moonglow




----------



## ChrisL

Moonglow said:


>



Good geebus, even I wouldn't have posted that one!


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## ChrisL

Moonglow said:


>



You are one sick fucker, dude.  Lol.


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Yousaidwhat

IsaacNewton said:


> Bonzi said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> She said, "I will assume my ultimate form..."
> *W...T...F*
Click to expand...

Apparently, she already did!


----------



## Bonzi

I think I'm crazy, until I see stuff like this.... ^^^


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## namvet

best viewed on empty stomach


----------



## Yousaidwhat

Moonglow said:


>


You have 3 holes and 2 hands. Cover the ones you don't want filled.


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi

I don't actually eat potato chips, I don't care for them actually..... more likely popcorn will fall out


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## IsaacNewton

Bonzi said:


>



Well, you also have the Glenn Close approach.


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## williepete

*One for St. Pat's Day*

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. 'Goodness,' says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awaking, the little guy says, 'Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.'

The man says, 'I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly,' and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, 'Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.'

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, 'I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?'

The golfer says, 'It's great! I hit under par every time.'

The leprechaun says, 'I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?'

The golfer says, 'Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note.'

The leprechaun smiles and says, 'I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?'

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, 'Well, maybe once or twice a week.'

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, 'Once or twice a week?!'

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, 'Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## williepete

A golfer was searching for his lost ball in a cave when he came upon an ancient lantern in the dirt. He rubbed it hard, and out came a genie. The genie said, "Today is your lucky day. I will grant you three wishes, but be forewarned - anything that I grant you will be granted to your mother-in-law in double quantity!"

"Cool", the bad golfer thought as he pondered his three wishes. "First, I would like one set of Callaway Tungsten-titanium irons", he told the genie.

"Your wish is granted," said the genie, "and your mother-in-law has just had two sets of irons delivered to her home."

"Second, I would like one million dollars to travel the world golfing", said the bad golfer to the genie.

"Your wish is granted," replied the genie, "One million dollars has been deposited into your bank account, and I have placed 2 million dollars into your mother-in-law's bank account."

"All right!" the bad golfer thought, "Now, for my third and final wish, I would like you to take this 9 iron and beat me half to death!"


----------



## TyroneSlothrop

*George Takei Verified account * ‏@*GeorgeTakei* 
Happy St. Patty's Day, friends.


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## ChrisL




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## CremeBrulee




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Iceweasel




----------



## the_human_being

Went out with some friends to a strip joint the other night.  We had a few drinks and were enjoying the strippers advance through their routines until finally this gorgeous little redhead took a turn at entertaining us. She stopped in front of one of my friends and began gyrating her very supple and well endowed body. My friend withdrew a ten dollar bill from his wallet, licked it and pasted the ten spot to her right butt cheek. The redhead moved on and stopped in front of friend number two. Friend number two took a twenty dollar bill from his wallet, licked it and pasted the twenty to the young stripper's left butt cheek. She tarried a moment more before moving on down to where Friend Number Three was sitting. Not to be outdone by the other two, Friend Number Three took a fifty dollar bill from his money clip, licked it and pasted it right above the crack of the little redheads anus. She smiled at me and moved to position herself directly in front of me. I am not a wealthy man. What was I to do? I could in no way top the fifty dollars that Friend Number Three had passed above the crack of the little redhead's anus. I took out my Visa Card and swiped the card through the redheads anus, then retrieved the eighty dollars my friends had pasted onto the busty little redhead, and departed.


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst

Bonzi said:


>



You're a pole?


----------



## Wyld Kard

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. 

“What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” 

The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”


----------



## theliq

Wildcard said:


> One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.
> 
> “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”
> 
> The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”


What's the Brick on the side of an Americans head called ??????????AN EXTENTION....enjoy Guys .....steve(only teasing but a neat one liner all the same)


----------



## Iceweasel

The sex ed teacher shows some slides and asks, "who knows what
these are called"? Sally waves enthusiastically, "I know, they're mammaries
and my mommy has two of them."

She then shows a graphic depiction of a woman and her ovaries. "What
are these called?" Tommy answers correctly, "Those are ovaries and
my mommy has two of those too."

"Very good" says the teacher, she shows the next photo and calls on
Carli, who giggles and says "Those are testicles, and my daddy has two
of those too!"

"Very good Carli", she says, then shows a penis. This time little Johnny
is called on, "That's a penis and my dad has two of those too".

"No Johnny, I'm sorry, your daddy only has one, I'm sure" the teacher says.

"Nope, he has two" insists little Johnny.

The teacher comes back, "I'm certain he only has one Johnny, men only
have one of those".

Johnny, not to be deterred, insists yet again "Nope, my dad has two! I've
seen both of them. He uses a little one to go to the bathroom with and he
has a big one mommy brushes her teeth with."


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## williepete

A guy goes into a Canadian Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He  replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok,  Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The  interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points
toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The  guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The  interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your
country's service!

Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at
the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you
right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m..  You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

"The  guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first
two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.  No point in you coming in for that."


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Wyld Kard

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## williepete

*SCOTTISH COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked laddie?' The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘no’.

She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'*


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Wyld Kard

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well, I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."

The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning." The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.

When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet. Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!" "Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Wyld Kard

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so.

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.

Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"


----------



## williepete

A future pilot in the making






A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: 
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Rick says: "I wanna start out as a Pilot, then go fly planes for a big airline become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite 
Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a screen door in a hurricane.”

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Rick she decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Susie?"

"I want to be Rick's whore."
__________________


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Wyld Kard

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

 Little Red started towards her  grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!"

Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## ABikerSailor

WillHaftawaite said:


>



Ladies?  Are you interested?  I can read what the message says, and yeah, I do that pretty well.


----------



## ChrisL

ABikerSailor said:


> WillHaftawaite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ladies?  Are you interested?  I can read what the message says, and yeah, I do that pretty well.
Click to expand...


Only people that fuck really good can read what this ????? says.  I couldn't determine the second to last word.


----------



## Hugo Furst

message


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## sealybobo

WillHaftawaite said:


>


Guys making love to a woman he says spread your legs wider, WIDER! She says "what are you trying to get your balls in?" He says "no I'm trying to get them out!"


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi

oh you didn't like that one WillHaftawaite


----------



## Hugo Furst

I found it informative.


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi

*TODDLER'S WITH POTTY MOUTHS*


----------



## Kat

* The Correct Way To Pee *
The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: 'Excuse me, I need to pee.'

The teacher responded: 'That would be quite impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go To the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said: 'I would say "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted.


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi

I don't know why but I love this..... 
I don't care what this guy did, I would be kissing his face off!


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Alan Stallion

Scott Sterling rules...


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## sealybobo

Bonzi said:


>


Where u been?


----------



## TyroneSlothrop




----------



## Hugo Furst

sealybobo said:


> Bonzi said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Where u been?
Click to expand...








apparently, she said something she shouldn't have last Monday


----------



## sealybobo

WillHaftawaite said:


> sealybobo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Bonzi said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Where u been?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> apparently, she said something she shouldn't have last Monday
Click to expand...

Hope she comes back.


----------



## Hugo Furst

sealybobo said:


> WillHaftawaite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> sealybobo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Bonzi said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Where u been?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> apparently, she said something she shouldn't have last Monday
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Hope she comes back.
Click to expand...



Hope she's allowed back


----------



## sealybobo

WillHaftawaite said:


> sealybobo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> WillHaftawaite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> sealybobo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Bonzi said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Where u been?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> apparently, she said something she shouldn't have last Monday
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Hope she comes back.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Hope she's allowed back
Click to expand...

I'd love to know what she said. I can't imagine.


----------



## Wyld Kard

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”


----------



## Wyld Kard

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."


----------



## sealybobo

Wildcard said:


> A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
> 
> The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
> 
> The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.
> 
> "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin.
> 
> But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"
> 
> He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."


I was getting a rectal exam and the nurse walks in and says " sir what are you doing in here?" Confused I said "I'm getting a rectal exam". She says not you! And then the man in the white lab coat ran out of the room.


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi

sealybobo said:


> WillHaftawaite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> sealybobo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> WillHaftawaite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> sealybobo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Bonzi said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Where u been?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> apparently, she said something she shouldn't have last Monday
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Hope she comes back.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Hope she's allowed back
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> I'd love to know what she said. I can't imagine.
Click to expand...


Imagination is a wonderful thing


----------



## sealybobo

Bonzi said:


> sealybobo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> WillHaftawaite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> sealybobo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> WillHaftawaite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> sealybobo said:
> 
> 
> 
> Where u been?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> apparently, she said something she shouldn't have last Monday
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Hope she comes back.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Hope she's allowed back
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> I'd love to know what she said. I can't imagine.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Imagination is a wonderful thing
Click to expand...

Glad you're back! They've slowed me down before. I could enter but everything was real slow for a few days


----------



## Hugo Furst

I still think her hubby chained her to the bed, and lost the key


----------



## Bonzi

Watched (or read) 50 Shades of Grey one too many times....


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst

Bonzi said:


> Watched (or read) 50 Shades of Grey one too many times....



Never read the book, nor have I watched the movie.

But, I did read a book, possibly Steven King, where the husband ties up the wife, and dies of a heart attack.

Most of the story was about how to get loose, would anyone find her, etc


----------



## Bonzi

WillHaftawaite said:


> Bonzi said:
> 
> 
> 
> Watched (or read) 50 Shades of Grey one too many times....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Never read the book, nor have I watched the movie.
> 
> But, I did read a book, possibly Steven King, where the husband ties up the wife, and dies of a heart attack.
> 
> Most of the story was about how to get loose, would anyone find her, etc
Click to expand...

Gerald's Game


----------



## Hugo Furst

I'm going to print this out, and put it on my dartboard.






Easy way to decide what my attitude is going to be daily


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Wyld Kard

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldnt afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".

So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldnt afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she just ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me to scream when something hurt."

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".

Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didnt I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".


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## Wyld Kard




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst

Bonzi 

Your next avatar?


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## Bonzi

WillHaftawaite said:


> Bonzi
> 
> Your next avatar?



Hmmm I'm not sure what to make of this Will....


----------



## Bonzi

I was always partial to Meg from Hercules:


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi

WillHaftawaite said:


>



They called her the good witch, but really, I am not so sure.....


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst

Bonzi said:


>


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## rightwinger

Bonzi said:


> WillHaftawaite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> They called her the good witch, but really, I am not so sure.....
Click to expand...

Billie Burke was 55 when she played Glinda


----------



## Bonzi

rightwinger said:


> Bonzi said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> WillHaftawaite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> They called her the good witch, but really, I am not so sure.....
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Billie Burke was 55 when she played Glinda
Click to expand...


She looked GREAT for her age!


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Wyld Kard

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”

The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.” The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.” “No, that is still too crude. Try again.” 

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.” The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?” “Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”


----------



## Yousaidwhat

A troubled man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. 

He swallows the drink in one gulp, pulls a photo out of his breast pocket, looks at it and returns it to his pocket.

He orders another drink, downs it one gulp, looks at the picture and puts it back.

The bartender fills his glass all evening, watching him take the picture out of his pocket and returning it to his pocket and swallowing his drinks.

The man pulls the picture out of his pocket and orders another drink.

The bartender says to the man, "Every time you take a drink why do you look at the photo?"

The man swallows the drink in one gulp, looks at the bartender and says, " It's a photograph of my wife, when she's good looking it's time to go home!


----------



## Hugo Furst

Bonzi said:


>


----------



## Yousaidwhat

A white guy, a black guy and a Mexican are swimming off the coast.

3 sharks appear and the first shark circles the white guy and eats him.

The second shark circles the black guy and eats him.

The third shark circles the Mexican once, then twice and then a third time.

He returns to the other sharks without eating the Mexican.

The two sharks ask the third," why didn't you eat him?"

The third shark says, " the last time I ate one of those my ass hurt for two days!"


----------



## Yousaidwhat

An Italian guy goes to an Italian restaurant in America. He orders a bowl of spaghetti.

The waitress brings him the bowl of of spaghetti and places it in front of him.

Is there anything else, she says.

He looks at the bowl of spaghetti and then at the waitress and says. " I come-a to dis-a nice-a restaurante. You have-a da nice-a chairs, da nice-a tables and-a nice-a bowl of-a da spaghetti, but you no give-a me da fuck.

She says to the Italian, what did you say?

The Italian says to the waitress, I come-a to dis-a nice-a Italian restaurante. It has-a nice chairs, nice-a tables and and a  nice-a bowl of-a da spaghetti, but you no give-a me da fuck.

The waitress gets the manager and he confronts the Italian. What is wrong sir, says the manager.

The Italian, apparently frustrated, says to the manager, I come-a to you nice-a restaurante. You have-a da nice-a chairs, da nice-a tables, da nice-a waitress and da nice-a bowl of-a da spaghetti, but you waitress,  she no give-a me da fuck.

The manager says to the Italian, I'm calling the Police. You can't ask my waitress for sex!

The Italian looks at the manager and gestures like he his jacking off. No, no, not dis-a kind-a fuck, dis-a kind. Gesturing towards his mouth as if fork in hand.


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Yousaidwhat




----------



## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi

gross..... that happens a lot anyway, I guess girls stand up and pee too (to avoid sitting on the seats if there are no TS covers) - going to public restrooms is gross.  I avoid it at all costs.


----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi

You need to listen to appreciate this!  LOL - poor cat!


----------



## ABikerSailor

I feel sorry for that poor cat.


----------



## eddiew




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




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## Wyld Kard

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!" The Teacher fainted


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Iceweasel

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


----------



## Iceweasel

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. 

Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."


----------



## Bonzi




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## namvet




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Bonzi




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




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## Hugo Furst




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## WillowTree




----------



## Votto




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## Bonzi

WillowTree said:


>



men are so easily amused!


----------



## williepete

Bonzi said:


> men are so easily amused!



My wife heard me laughing out loud last night. She yelled from the kitchen to ask what was so funny. I could barely contain myself to answer "farting waffle iron! Bwahahahaha!" 

Silence from the kitchen. I could feel her eyes rolling.


----------



## Bonzi

williepete said:


> Bonzi said:
> 
> 
> 
> men are so easily amused!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> My wife heard me laughing out loud last night. She yelled from the kitchen to ask what was so funny. I could barely contain myself to answer "farting waffle iron! Bwahahahaha!"
> 
> Silence from the kitchen. I could feel her eyes rolling.
Click to expand...


love your signature btw...


----------



## Wyld Kard




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## Wyld Kard

ChrisL said:


>


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Divine Wind




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## Divine Wind




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## Divine Wind




----------



## Bonzi




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## Bonzi




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## Hugo Furst




----------



## namvet

the BBQ heist


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## Hugo Furst

namvet said:


> the BBQ heist


He had everything but the moo


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## namvet

zipperheads


----------



## Hugo Furst




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## Hugo Furst




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## Hugo Furst




----------



## ABikerSailor

WillHaftawaite said:


>



Yanno, I served this country from 1982 until 2002 in the U.S. Navy, and I've never had a problem with an objector who based it on their religious values.

However................those who are draft dodgers are scum in my book, because not only do they not have enough conviction to believe in their country, but they also are incapable of having enough conviction to protest the draft.

Muhammed Ali stood up for his beliefs and was banned from boxing (his favorite activity) for 3 years. 

I respect those who stand up for their convictions, even if it costs them dearly.  Matter of fact, those who stand up for their convictions and pay a dear price are better than those who quit when it seems a bit difficult.

Ted Neugent is one of those who quits when it seems to be difficult.

He might have one or two good songs, but he sucks hard as a human being.


----------



## Hugo Furst

ABikerSailor said:


> WillHaftawaite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Yanno, I served this country from 1982 until 2002 in the U.S. Navy, and I've never had a problem with an objector who based it on their religious values.
> 
> However................those who are draft dodgers are scum in my book, because not only do they not have enough conviction to believe in their country, but they also are incapable of having enough conviction to protest the draft.
> 
> Muhammed Ali stood up for his beliefs and was banned from boxing (his favorite activity) for 3 years.
> 
> I respect those who stand up for their convictions, even if it costs them dearly.  Matter of fact, those who stand up for their convictions and pay a dear price are better than those who quit when it seems a bit difficult.
> 
> Ted Neugent is one of those who quits when it seems to be difficult.
> 
> He might have one or two good songs, but he sucks hard as a human being.
Click to expand...


1969-1990, same service

We may have passed each other somewhere


----------



## ABikerSailor

WillHaftawaite said:


> ABikerSailor said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> WillHaftawaite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Yanno, I served this country from 1982 until 2002 in the U.S. Navy, and I've never had a problem with an objector who based it on their religious values.
> 
> However................those who are draft dodgers are scum in my book, because not only do they not have enough conviction to believe in their country, but they also are incapable of having enough conviction to protest the draft.
> 
> Muhammed Ali stood up for his beliefs and was banned from boxing (his favorite activity) for 3 years.
> 
> I respect those who stand up for their convictions, even if it costs them dearly.  Matter of fact, those who stand up for their convictions and pay a dear price are better than those who quit when it seems a bit difficult.
> 
> Ted Neugent is one of those who quits when it seems to be difficult.
> 
> He might have one or two good songs, but he sucks hard as a human being.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 1969-1990, same service
> 
> We may have passed each other somewhere
Click to expand...


Might have...............from 1983 until 1986, I was in Norfolk.  From there, I was stationed in Memphis TN until 1989, and after that I was in Cecil Field FL until 1993.

Then?  The War College at Newport RI until 1997, and independent duty on an MSC vessel and at a MEPs until I retired in 2002.

Were you East Coast?


----------



## Hugo Furst

ABikerSailor said:


> WillHaftawaite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ABikerSailor said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> WillHaftawaite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Yanno, I served this country from 1982 until 2002 in the U.S. Navy, and I've never had a problem with an objector who based it on their religious values.
> 
> However................those who are draft dodgers are scum in my book, because not only do they not have enough conviction to believe in their country, but they also are incapable of having enough conviction to protest the draft.
> 
> Muhammed Ali stood up for his beliefs and was banned from boxing (his favorite activity) for 3 years.
> 
> I respect those who stand up for their convictions, even if it costs them dearly.  Matter of fact, those who stand up for their convictions and pay a dear price are better than those who quit when it seems a bit difficult.
> 
> Ted Neugent is one of those who quits when it seems to be difficult.
> 
> He might have one or two good songs, but he sucks hard as a human being.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 1969-1990, same service
> 
> We may have passed each other somewhere
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Might have...............from 1983 until 1986, I was in Norfolk.  From there, I was stationed in Memphis TN until 1989, and after that I was in Cecil Field FL until 1993.
> 
> Then?  The War College at Newport RI until 1997, and independent duty on an MSC vessel and at a MEPs until I retired in 2002.
> 
> Were you East Coast?
Click to expand...



Doesn't sound like we ever met.

first 4 Hawaii, 2 years Meridian Ms, 1 year Iceland, 3 years Gulfport, (Seabees), 3 years Rota Spain, 3 years Norfolk, 3 years England.

I joined the Navy to see the world, and did a fair job of it


----------



## ABikerSailor

WillHaftawaite said:


> ABikerSailor said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> WillHaftawaite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ABikerSailor said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> WillHaftawaite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Yanno, I served this country from 1982 until 2002 in the U.S. Navy, and I've never had a problem with an objector who based it on their religious values.
> 
> However................those who are draft dodgers are scum in my book, because not only do they not have enough conviction to believe in their country, but they also are incapable of having enough conviction to protest the draft.
> 
> Muhammed Ali stood up for his beliefs and was banned from boxing (his favorite activity) for 3 years.
> 
> I respect those who stand up for their convictions, even if it costs them dearly.  Matter of fact, those who stand up for their convictions and pay a dear price are better than those who quit when it seems a bit difficult.
> 
> Ted Neugent is one of those who quits when it seems to be difficult.
> 
> He might have one or two good songs, but he sucks hard as a human being.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 1969-1990, same service
> 
> We may have passed each other somewhere
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Might have...............from 1983 until 1986, I was in Norfolk.  From there, I was stationed in Memphis TN until 1989, and after that I was in Cecil Field FL until 1993.
> 
> Then?  The War College at Newport RI until 1997, and independent duty on an MSC vessel and at a MEPs until I retired in 2002.
> 
> Were you East Coast?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Doesn't sound like we ever met.
> 
> first 4 Hawaii, 2 years Meridian Ms, 1 year Iceland, 3 years Gulfport, (Seabees), 3 years Rota Spain, 3 years Norfolk, 3 years England.
> 
> I joined the Navy to see the world, and did a fair job of it
Click to expand...


Same here.  Kinda the reason I was in Meridian MS for a couple of months, because I became a Personnelman (PN), and it was because I wanted to be in a job that was required just about anywhere.

Seen 26 different countries, and been to 49 different states, the only one I'm missing is Alaska.


----------



## Hugo Furst

ABikerSailor said:


> WillHaftawaite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ABikerSailor said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> WillHaftawaite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ABikerSailor said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> WillHaftawaite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Yanno, I served this country from 1982 until 2002 in the U.S. Navy, and I've never had a problem with an objector who based it on their religious values.
> 
> However................those who are draft dodgers are scum in my book, because not only do they not have enough conviction to believe in their country, but they also are incapable of having enough conviction to protest the draft.
> 
> Muhammed Ali stood up for his beliefs and was banned from boxing (his favorite activity) for 3 years.
> 
> I respect those who stand up for their convictions, even if it costs them dearly.  Matter of fact, those who stand up for their convictions and pay a dear price are better than those who quit when it seems a bit difficult.
> 
> Ted Neugent is one of those who quits when it seems to be difficult.
> 
> He might have one or two good songs, but he sucks hard as a human being.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 1969-1990, same service
> 
> We may have passed each other somewhere
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Might have...............from 1983 until 1986, I was in Norfolk.  From there, I was stationed in Memphis TN until 1989, and after that I was in Cecil Field FL until 1993.
> 
> Then?  The War College at Newport RI until 1997, and independent duty on an MSC vessel and at a MEPs until I retired in 2002.
> 
> Were you East Coast?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Doesn't sound like we ever met.
> 
> first 4 Hawaii, 2 years Meridian Ms, 1 year Iceland, 3 years Gulfport, (Seabees), 3 years Rota Spain, 3 years Norfolk, 3 years England.
> 
> I joined the Navy to see the world, and did a fair job of it
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Same here.  Kinda the reason I was in Meridian MS for a couple of months, because I became a Personnelman (PN), and it was because I wanted to be in a job that was required just about anywhere.
> 
> Seen 26 different countries, and been to 49 different states, the only one I'm missing is Alaska.
Click to expand...


Meridian 74-76, before your time.

3 month at Adak Alaska


----------



## ABikerSailor

WillHaftawaite said:


> ABikerSailor said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> WillHaftawaite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ABikerSailor said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> WillHaftawaite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ABikerSailor said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yanno, I served this country from 1982 until 2002 in the U.S. Navy, and I've never had a problem with an objector who based it on their religious values.
> 
> However................those who are draft dodgers are scum in my book, because not only do they not have enough conviction to believe in their country, but they also are incapable of having enough conviction to protest the draft.
> 
> Muhammed Ali stood up for his beliefs and was banned from boxing (his favorite activity) for 3 years.
> 
> I respect those who stand up for their convictions, even if it costs them dearly.  Matter of fact, those who stand up for their convictions and pay a dear price are better than those who quit when it seems a bit difficult.
> 
> Ted Neugent is one of those who quits when it seems to be difficult.
> 
> He might have one or two good songs, but he sucks hard as a human being.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 1969-1990, same service
> 
> We may have passed each other somewhere
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Might have...............from 1983 until 1986, I was in Norfolk.  From there, I was stationed in Memphis TN until 1989, and after that I was in Cecil Field FL until 1993.
> 
> Then?  The War College at Newport RI until 1997, and independent duty on an MSC vessel and at a MEPs until I retired in 2002.
> 
> Were you East Coast?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Doesn't sound like we ever met.
> 
> first 4 Hawaii, 2 years Meridian Ms, 1 year Iceland, 3 years Gulfport, (Seabees), 3 years Rota Spain, 3 years Norfolk, 3 years England.
> 
> I joined the Navy to see the world, and did a fair job of it
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Same here.  Kinda the reason I was in Meridian MS for a couple of months, because I became a Personnelman (PN), and it was because I wanted to be in a job that was required just about anywhere.
> 
> Seen 26 different countries, and been to 49 different states, the only one I'm missing is Alaska.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Meridian 74-76, before your time.
> 
> 3 month at Adak Alaska
Click to expand...


Nope........guess we never crossed paths. 

Would have liked to meet you in real life though.


----------



## WorldWatcher

ABikerSailor said:


> Might have...............from 1983 until 1986, I was in Norfolk.  From there, I was stationed in Memphis TN until 1989, and after that I was in Cecil Field FL until 1993.
> 
> Then?  The War College at Newport RI until 1997, and independent duty on an MSC vessel and at a MEPs until I retired in 2002.
> 
> Were you East Coast?




Actually I was in Millington from '84-'88, first as a student at AVIC-7 then stayed on for Instructor Duty in the same school.


>>>>


----------



## ABikerSailor

WorldWatcher said:


> ABikerSailor said:
> 
> 
> 
> Might have...............from 1983 until 1986, I was in Norfolk.  From there, I was stationed in Memphis TN until 1989, and after that I was in Cecil Field FL until 1993.
> 
> Then?  The War College at Newport RI until 1997, and independent duty on an MSC vessel and at a MEPs until I retired in 2002.
> 
> Were you East Coast?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Actually I was in Millington from '84-'88, first as a student at AVIC-7 then stayed on for Instructor Duty in the same school.
> 
> 
> >>>>
Click to expand...


I was working at the PSD for the students at NATTC from 86 until 89.  Chances are that I saw you there at one time or another.


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Skull Pilot




----------



## Bonzi

Not sure I would eat this sandwich .....


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Skull Pilot

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?

One is a Goodyear the other is a great year


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi

WillHaftawaite said:


>



I can'ts sees it!  Oops now I can!


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## williepete

WillHaftawaite said:


>



I came up with this great idea back in the early 80's.

I want royalties!


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi

just like the Firetruck joke....


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## williepete

WillHaftawaite said:


>



*Brilliant!*
I'm stocking up. Worse yet, I sent this to several of my friends who will do likewise. I predict a rash of "cart lashings" this month.


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Ridgerunner




----------



## Bonzi

Bonzi said:


>



I was going to laugh and agree, and realized I posted this! LOL!


----------



## Ridgerunner




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi

Oh come on, I would not really do that... too messy....


----------



## Wyld Kard

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.  The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" 

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." 

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst

Reasons to Vote for Hillary!
A handy list of all the reasons to vote for Hillary. Show America who to vote for!
reasonstovoteforhillary.com


----------



## Igrok_

A black man and a white man walk into a bakery. The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the white, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The white man says to the black man, "That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The white man swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the white man swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"

The white man replies, "Look in the black mans back pocket....."


----------



## Witchit




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## ABikerSailor

I guess Richard Simmons really DOES "toss salad".


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## LadyGunSlinger

Roy Wood Jr Prank call


----------



## LadyGunSlinger

Roy Wood Jr Prank call


----------



## LadyGunSlinger

Angry Asian Restaurant Prank Call


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## AnCap'n_Murica




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Wyld Kard

A married couple was driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.  The husband is behind the wheel.  His wife looks over at him.  "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce."  The husband says nothing, but slowly turns up the speed to 60 mph.

"I don't want you to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover then you."  

70 mph.

"I want the house as well."  

75 mph.

"I want the kids."  

80 mph.

"And I want the bank account and all the credit cards."  

85 mph.

"You're taking this incredibly calmly," she said.  "Isn't there anything you want?"

"I've got all I need."

"What's that?"

"The airbag."


----------



## Bonzi

WillHaftawaite said:


>



THIS is priceless!  Hilarious!!!!!


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Moonglow

female midgets have balls?


----------



## Bonzi

Moonglow said:


> female midgets have balls?



maybe... I never looked


----------



## Bonzi

Moonglow said:


> female midgets have balls?



are you a short man MG?


----------



## Moonglow

Bonzi said:


> Moonglow said:
> 
> 
> 
> female midgets have balls?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> are you a short man MG?
Click to expand...

I am tall enough to reach the ground..


----------



## defcon4

Moonglow said:


> Bonzi said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Moonglow said:
> 
> 
> 
> female midgets have balls?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> are you a short man MG?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> I am tall enough to reach the ground..
Click to expand...

Hmmm. it's something to think about. Do you think this nice creature is also tall enough to reach the ground?


----------



## Bonzi

Moonglow said:


> Bonzi said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Moonglow said:
> 
> 
> 
> female midgets have balls?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> are you a short man MG?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> I am tall enough to reach the ground..
Click to expand...


whatever ....


----------



## Moonglow

Bonzi said:


> Moonglow said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Bonzi said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Moonglow said:
> 
> 
> 
> female midgets have balls?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> are you a short man MG?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> I am tall enough to reach the ground..
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> whatever ....
Click to expand...

 six feet and juan inch..


----------



## Skull Pilot

*What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?*
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.


----------



## Bonzi

Skull Pilot said:


> *What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?*
> A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.



oh that is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## AnCap'n_Murica

I sympathize with this man's plight.


----------



## Skull Pilot




----------



## Irish Mike

What do you call a Latino women without any legs?

Cuntswaylow


----------



## blackhawk




----------



## Hugo Furst

Skull Pilot said:


>



I had that tee shirt 40 years ago, from a bar in Missoula


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## AnCap'n_Murica




----------



## ABikerSailor

WillHaftawaite said:


> Skull Pilot said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I had that tee shirt 40 years ago, from a bar in Missoula
Click to expand...


What school did you go to?  Me?  I was from Frenchtown (the Broncs) and we had a really good rivalry with Loyola.

But.................that was back in the mid 70's.


----------



## Hugo Furst

ABikerSailor said:


> WillHaftawaite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Skull Pilot said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I had that tee shirt 40 years ago, from a bar in Missoula
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> What school did you go to?  Me?  I was from Frenchtown (the Broncs) and we had a really good rivalry with Loyola.
> 
> But.................that was back in the mid 70's.
Click to expand...


I got the Tee thru the mail. Never been to Montana


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Truth2Know

COSTELLO:  I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT:  Good Subject.  Terrible Times.  It's 5.6%.

COSTELLO:  That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT:  No, that's 23%. 

COSTELLO:  You just said 5.6%.

ABBOTT:  5.6% Unemployed.

COSTELLO:  Right 5.6% out of work.

ABBOTT:  No, that's 23%.

COSTELLO:  Okay, so it's 23% unemployed.

ABBOTT:  No, that's 5.6%.

COSTELLO:  WAIT A MINUTE......Is it 5.6% or 23%? 

ABBOTT:  5.6% are unemployed.  23% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work, you are unemployed.

ABBOTT:  No, Obama said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed.  You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO:  BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT:  No, you miss his point.

COSTELLO:  What point?

ABBOTT:  Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work.  It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO:  To whom?

ABBOTT:  The unemployed. 

COSTELLO:  But ALL of them are out of work. 

ABBOTT:  No, the unemployed are actively looking for work.  Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO:  So if you're off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT:  Unemployment would go down.  Absolutely!

COSTELLO:  The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT:  Absolutely it goes down.  That's how it gets to 5.6%.  Otherwise it would be 23%.

COSTELLO:  Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?  

ABBOTT:  Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO:  Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT:  Correct.

COSTELLO:  And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT:   Bingo. 

COSTELLO:  So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.

ABBOTT:  Now you're thinking like a Democrat. 

COSTELLO:  I don't even know what I just said! 

ABBOTT:   Now you're thinking like Hillary.


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Truth2Know

*Globalization Explained*

*Question: What is the truest example of* *Globalization?*

*Answer : Princess Diana's death. An English Princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel,
riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated
by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.*

*This is sent to you by a Canadian, using American Bill Gates' technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Chinese monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian truck drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and
trucked to you by Mexicans who are in the US illegally because the current president, Educated as a Muslim in Indonesia, refuses to enforce US law.*

*That, my friends,is Globalization.*


----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## LadyGunSlinger

Wildcard said:


>


LMFAO!!   I love it.. I'm sharing this one! ;-)


----------



## LadyGunSlinger

Bonzi said:


>


Hahahaha Made me laugh! LOL


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## TheGreatGatsby




----------



## Toro

gasbag is to humor as a nun is to sex.


----------



## MaryL

All these great post, and all have is: What is brown and sounds like a bell?DUNG.


----------



## ABikerSailor

Q:  What is the difference between a women's track team, and a tribe of smart Pygmies?

A:  One is a bunch of cunning runts.


----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## theliq

Wildcard said:


>


I WAS Explaining to my Good Friend Hoss about the New,Male Contraceptive Pill.........Unfortunately Hoss put it in the heel of his Shoe and it's made him LIMP.


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## namvet




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst

Must be a Hillary voter...


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Wyld Kard

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It"s been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don"t think so". 

Fine, then the wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won"t close right " To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Kenmore written on my forehead? I don"t think so". "

Fine", she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break " "I"m not a carpenter and I don"t want to fix steps". He says, "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don"t think so I"ve had enough of you. I"m going to the bar!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours 

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

 "Honey", he asks, "How did all this get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried." Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either give him a titty fuck or bake a cake". 

He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake?" She replied, "Hellooooo.. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don"t think so!"


----------



## esthermoon

IsaacNewton said:


> Bonzi said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> She said, "I will assume my ultimate form..."
> *W...T...F*
Click to expand...

what the hell...she needs a doctor!!


----------



## esthermoon

I didn't know Mr.Trump was a showman


----------



## esthermoon




----------



## esthermoon




----------



## esthermoon




----------



## Enzomade




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Enzomade




----------



## Buck111




----------



## Wyld Kard

A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." The barman mixes her drink and puts in down in front of her.

A few minutes later, she calls him over and says, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway and sets it down in front of her.

A few minutes later, she waves him over again and says, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." The barman looks her up and down and says, "First off, it's bartender, not barfender. Second off, it's martini, not marhini. And third, you don't have heartburn, your boob is in the ashtray."


----------



## esthermoon




----------



## Enzomade




----------



## namvet

Enzomade said:


>



true story. why is our water bill so high.......answer??


----------



## JustAnotherNut

Enzomade said:


>





namvet said:


> Enzomade said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> true story. why is our water bill so high.......answer??
Click to expand...



These reminded me of a cat I had growing up. He was a Siamese, and just a bit 'special'. He would sit on the toilet, but go in the garbage can next to it....and he was always so proud of himself for doing it.


----------



## esthermoon




----------



## esthermoon




----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Abishai100

*Pan*

I'm a big fan of turquoise and sapphire and like the fantasy-realm 'beauty-centric' fictional characters Mara (a water-nymph involved in terrorism intrigue from the 1980s paramilitary fantasy-adventure series _G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero_) and Tiger Lily (character from Barrie's fantasy-land _Peter Pan_ adaptation _Pan_, portrayed by Rooney Mara), since they both come in that color.

What I need is a 'sapphire doll' to marry maybe.

Welcome to the *Virtual Age* (where really nothing is sarcastic)!

====

MARA: I'm a fan of the modern sitcoms _Modern Family_ and _2 Broke Girls_.
LILY: I like _Sea Hunt_.
MARA: Do you think mermaids have Internet?
LILY: Why? Are some looking to become 'mail-order-brides'?
MARA: Why not? WiFi makes anything possible...
LILY: Why not just get a vibrator?
MARA: I prefer swimming.
LILY: Maybe Peter Pan will marry you.
MARA: Does he have Netflix?

====


----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## bitter clinging swiftie




----------



## bitter clinging swiftie

Bill Clinton was jogging one morning when he happened across a hooker that yelled out "hey bill, you can have this for $100" to which he replied, "no, $5). The next morning, bill saw the same hooker while jogging, and again she sai d"hey bill, $100" and he said again "anw, $5"....the third morning, hillary got up and said, "Im going with you", so as the hooker saw them jog past, she said " hey bill, see what you get for $5"


----------



## miketx

"Shoot Hillary twice"

So, after reading the above line, what is the question?


----------



## bitter clinging swiftie

why is there no longer a rose garden in the white house?
 cuz Michelle dug it up and planted a watermelon patch!


----------



## Hossfly

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor. We're going to need a mop.

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that, uh, that uh, thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Darn, there go the lights again.

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, this guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.

Okay, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.

What do you mean you want a divorce!

She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!

Dang! Page 47 of the manual is missing!


----------



## namvet




----------



## namvet




----------



## namvet




----------



## namvet




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## bitter clinging swiftie

why did michael jackson like little girls?
because he could turn them over on their stomcah and have himself some little boys


----------



## williepete

USMB summed up in one image:


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Muhammed

YUMMY!


----------



## my2¢

A friend just sent along this one to me.....

*Once I had it all....*

I talked to a to a homeless man
this morning and asked him how he
ended up this way.  

He said, "Up until last month, I still had it all. I had
plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a
roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the
gym, the pool, and the library.

I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt.

I even had full medical coverage."  

 I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs?
Alcohol? Divorce?"  

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said.  

"No, no.... I was paroled."​


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Votto




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## williepete




----------



## namvet




----------



## williepete




----------



## Marion Morrison

bitter clinging swiftie said:


>



That's the funniest I've heard in a while!


----------



## Muhammed




----------



## Muhammed




----------



## Bill Angel

Wonder Woman and Friend at the 2017 Baltimore Comic-Con Convention
by William Angel


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Bill Angel

Policewoman participating in the 2017 Baltimore Hampdenfest Toilet Race
by William Angel


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Muhammed

This will make you appreciate classical music.


And hate meddling crows.


----------



## Bonzi




----------



## williepete




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Muhammed




----------



## Litwin




----------



## Muhammed




----------



## Muhammed




----------



## Windparadox

`
`


----------



## Marion Morrison




----------



## Larry1




----------



## Truth2Know




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## williepete

Bonzi said:


>



That's a boulder! Where the Hell do you get off? You have no idea what you're talking about. I see you have no link to back up your absurd position.


----------



## alang1216

Bonzi said:


>


There is nothing to argue about.  It is clearly an erratic.

An erratic is a piece of rock that has been eroded and transported by a glacier to a different area; it is left behind when the ice melts. Glacial erratics give us information about the direction of ice movement and distances of transport. Glacial erratics can be any size from small pebbles to large boulders the size of a house.


----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Bonzi




----------



## Wyld Kard

Did you know that there are different kinds of sex?


The 1st kind is called - *Smurf Sex*
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The 2nd kind is called - *Kitchen Sex*
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The 3rd kind is called - *Bedroom Sex*
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time.  Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in bedroom.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The 4th kind is called - *Hallway Sex*
This is when you have been with your partner for too long.  When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The 5th kind is called - *Courtroom Sex*
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more.  She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The 6th kind is called - *Religious Sex*
This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, Nun at night.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The 7th kind is called - *Social Security Sex*
You get a little each month, but not enough to live on.


----------



## miketx

What kind of meat do Priests eat? Nun.


----------



## TyroneSlothrop

Bonzi said:


>


Its a lazy minority rock that refuses to get a job
*Millions Believe God Made Trump President*   he is into serial adultery wooooo hooo who knew?


----------



## miketx




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Witchit




----------



## Witchit




----------



## Witchit




----------



## Moonglow




----------



## Witchit




----------



## Witchit




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Witchit




----------



## Witchit




----------



## Witchit




----------



## miketx

Classic libtard. Doesn't believe in God, but uses him anyway to make a false statement.


----------



## Mindful

Witchit said:


> View attachment 182733



Is that supposed to be a joke?


----------



## miketx

Mindful said:


> Witchit said:
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 182733
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Is that supposed to be a joke?
Click to expand...

No it's a statement aimed at infuriating people who do believe in God.


----------



## Marion Morrison

miketx said:


> Mindful said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Witchit said:
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 182733
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Is that supposed to be a joke?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> No it's a statement aimed at infuriating people who do believe in God.
Click to expand...


Made by this one:


----------



## miketx




----------



## Marion Morrison

What's the difference between a Hippie chick and a Hockey Player?








































A Hockey player showers after 3 periods.


----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Witchit




----------



## Votto

Witchit said:


> View attachment 182733



You have to kill the baby before it is born because when the baby passes out of the womb it is then, and only then, that the birth fairy waves her magic wand to make it human.


----------



## Michelle420




----------



## my2¢

With this interval between football and baseball seasons my guilty pleasure these last few weeks has been Bob Menery videos on YouTube.

​


----------



## Witchit




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Moonglow




----------



## Moonglow




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## my2¢

Happy Dyngus Day.  I'm not Polish, not Irish or Mexican but am not passing up celebrating St Patrick's Day nor Cinco de Mayo either.

​


----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Witchit




----------



## Witchit




----------



## Witchit

Mindful said:


> Witchit said:
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 182733
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Is that supposed to be a joke?
Click to expand...


{aims you at thread title}


----------



## Manonthestreet

*GOLF GLOSSARY *



A “Rock Hudson” – a putt that looked straight, but wasn’t.
A “Saddam Hussein” – from one bunker into another.
A “Yasser Arafat” – butt ugly and in the sand.
A “ John Kennedy, Jr.”  – didn’t quite make it over the water.
A “Rodney King” – over-clubbed”.
An “O. J.” – got away with one.
A “Princess Grace” – should have used a driver.
 A “Princess Di” – shouldn’t have used a driver.
A “Condom” – safe, but didn’t feel very good.
A “Brazilian” – shaved the hole.
A “Rush Limbaugh” – a little to the right.
A “Nancy Pelosi” – way to the left and out of bounds.
A “James Joyce” – a putt that’s impossible to read.
A “Ted Kennedy” – goes in the water and jumps out.
A “Pee Wee Herman” – too much wrist.
A “Sonny Bono” – straight into the trees.
A “Paris Hilton” – a very expensive hole.
A “Tiger Woods” – wrong hole.

H/T Lenmar


----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Witchit




----------



## Erinwltr

Bonzi said:


> Whatever - no topic.  Whatever you find amusing


 LOL!  That is my Pop!!


----------



## Erinwltr

aaronleland said:


>


"How you gonna run outa ckiken?"


----------



## IsaacNewton




----------



## Erinwltr

IsaacNewton said:


>


  LMFAO!  Absolutely hysterical!  Thank you for posting.


----------



## Witchit




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Votto




----------



## Alan Stallion

*FULL METAL HOPE*
(Star Wars meets Full Metal Jacket)


*warning: strong language


----------



## Michelle420




----------



## ABikerSailor

drifter said:


>



My response when asked for a favor like that?  I tell them to go down the street and see Heywood.  You know, Mr. Jablowme.


----------



## Witchit




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## my2¢

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"


----------



## WheelieAddict

Why is the steering wheel of Stormy Daniels' car covered in lipstick? She was trying to blow the horn.


----------



## Witchit

drifter said:


>




I was dumb enough to give my guy the password to my account. Now I'm dressed like a slut, and he's bitching about the state of my inventory.


----------



## Witchit




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Witchit




----------



## my2¢

_I read this one today....
_
There was once a country boy who hated using the outhouse because it was hot in the summer and freezing in the winter...plus it stank all the time. The outhouse was situated on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. 

So one day after a spring rain the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing this meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."


----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Billo_Really




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Litwin




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## LA RAM FAN

I cant understand WHY nobody seems to like THIS funny video parody,I NEVER get replies to it. guess three minutes is too much precious time for someone to want to view and listen to  it


----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## IsaacNewton




----------



## IsaacNewton




----------



## IsaacNewton




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## IsaacNewton




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## IsaacNewton

drifter said:


>




This is informative but not funny. You are demoted one comedic rank.


----------



## IsaacNewton

drifter said:


>




Now that's funny! Rank reinstated.


----------



## Michelle420

IsaacNewton said:


> drifter said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> This is informative but not funny. You are demoted one comedic rank.
Click to expand...


----------



## Michelle420

I always have to leave the room and have someone else open it.


----------



## williepete




----------



## ABikerSailor

williepete said:


>



Only problem is, nobody wants to outlaw guns.  However..........Trump IS interested in making abortion illegal.


----------



## williepete

ABikerSailor said:


> Only problem is, nobody wants to outlaw guns.



You're in the humor section. See the top of the page?


----------



## ABikerSailor

williepete said:


> ABikerSailor said:
> 
> 
> 
> Only problem is, nobody wants to outlaw guns.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You're in the humor section. See the top of the page?
Click to expand...


I don't find anything funny about that meme.  And, in order for me to find something to be funny, it has to be mostly true.  This meme isn't.


----------



## williepete

You're still in the humor section. Need help getting out? You seem to need to be miserable somewhere. This is a place for laughs.

Go be miserable.


----------



## ABikerSailor

williepete said:


> You're still in the humor section. Need help getting out? You seem to need to be miserable somewhere. This is a place for laughs.
> 
> Go be miserable.



You're just pissed that I think your "joke" sucked.


----------



## williepete

ABikerSailor said:


> You're just pissed that I think your "joke" sucked.



Now that's funny. It's not just you but I don't care what anyone thinks about anything.


----------



## ABikerSailor

williepete said:


> ABikerSailor said:
> 
> 
> 
> You're just pissed that I think your "joke" sucked.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Now that's funny. It's not just you but I don't care what anyone thinks about anything.
Click to expand...


You cared enough to respond and tell me how much you don't care, which is irony personified.

And, when I have seen others put out jokes I thought sucked, I commented on them as well.  Get over yourself.


----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## ABikerSailor

Willie was the chemist's son.
Willie is no more.
What Willie thought was H20,
Was H2SO4.

(learned that in junior high as a way to remember the chemical formula of sulfuric acid.)


----------



## Hossfly

Picture of Kat looking for a quick meal.


----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## my2¢

Oh what gets shared on Facebook.  The "hits" shown at bottom are hilarious.


----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Hugo Furst

Do you believe in Magic?


----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## williepete




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Hossfly




----------



## Hossfly




----------



## Hossfly




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Muhammed




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Nosmo King

What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?




Kicked out of the petting zoo.


----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Votto

ABikerSailor said:


> williepete said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Only problem is, nobody wants to outlaw guns.  However..........Trump IS interested in making abortion illegal.
Click to expand...


Religious folk have silly notions of God making humans inside the mother, when really, it's the Birth Fairy who waves her magic wand over the "fetus" as it exits the birth canal that makes them human.


----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Manonthestreet

Escalator prank is only slightly creepy


----------



## Erinwltr

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $289,000 and your mother just lost her job.

There’s no way we can afford it.”

The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”

Little Johnny told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $289,000 mortgage and no fuckin’ bike.”


----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Mindful

And some things  that you can't:


----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Muhammed




----------



## Darkwind

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!” The receptionist objected, stating, “You can’t just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. He’s a very busy man.”

“But I am here to make a very large cash deposit,” added the old woman. The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said, “You’re in luck this morning, he will see you,” and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.

When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk. The bank president stood up and asked, “How can I help you?” She replied, “I would like to open a savings account,” and placed the bag of money on his desk.

“How much would you like to deposit?” he asked curiously.

“$180,000, if you please,” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The President was surprised to see all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around, especially a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by this kind of money?”

The old lady coyly replied, “I make bets.”

Surprised, the president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

“What?!” cried the man, “you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, my testicles, are square?” He could hardly hold back from laughing.

“Yes, you heard me. In fact, by ten o’clock tomorrow morning, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square.”

The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one. “You’ve got yourself a bet!” and shook her hand.

The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?”
“Sure!” replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!”

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

“Well, Okay,” said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking to himself, “$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it’s okay.” He then said, “Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

As the old woman started to feel the banker’s testicles, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?”

The old lady replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I’d have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands.”


Clever old lady enters the bank with a bag of cash for a special reason


----------



## Votto

The Snow(man) 

8:00 am - I made a snowman. 
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman. 
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead. 
8:22 - The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 
8:28 - I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 
8:31 - The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa. 
8:40 - The Police arrive saying someone has been offended. 
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 
8:45 TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist. 
9:00 - I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 
9:10 - I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services. 
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded. 

Maybe not a joke...but the world we currently live in.


----------



## Wyld Kard

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He decides that he would like to wear a costume that conceals his slightly odd appearance, but can't think of any costumes that would look good and do the job. Out of ideas, he writes a note to a costume company explaining his issue. A few days later a package arrives with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is a terrible idea because they have emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head. So again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


----------



## Windparadox

`


----------



## Mindful




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Michelle420

Girl coming out if anesthesia, " help, 911 my moms raping me" 

WARNING ADULT LANGUAGE


----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Yarddog

Politically incorrect buffet


----------



## Yarddog

Manonthestreet said:


>




OMG, ive used one of those things before


----------



## SaxxyBlues

JibJab

How many know who this is?


----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## SaxxyBlues

Shoes made of human skin


----------



## SaxxyBlues

Woman's Swiss Knife


----------



## SaxxyBlues




----------



## SaxxyBlues

Can you count the dots?


----------



## SaxxyBlues

Flintstones Beetle


----------



## SaxxyBlues




----------



## SaxxyBlues




----------



## SaxxyBlues

The Titanic Meeting the Ice Berg


----------



## ABikerSailor

SaxxyBlues said:


> View attachment 228406
> Can you count the dots?



Actually Saxxy, it's not count the dots as much as it is count the WHITE dots.


----------



## SaxxyBlues

ABikerSailor said:


> SaxxyBlues said:
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 228406
> Can you count the dots?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Actually Saxxy, it's not count the dots as much as it is count the WHITE dots.
Click to expand...


Thanks ABikerSailor


----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## SaxxyBlues

Dont Taz Me Bro

JibJab


----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Mindful




----------



## Windparadox

`
`


----------



## SaxxyBlues

Kids weigh in on President Trump


----------



## Michelle420




----------



## SaxxyBlues

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.  Everyone in the spirit?

JibJab


----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Karl Rand

drifter said:


>


Just like their owners, not a hint of cowshit on their Stetsons.


----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## SaxxyBlues




----------



## ABikerSailor

SaxxyBlues said:


> View attachment 235248



A restaurant named "Wai Tu Dum" (Way too dumb), has the gall to put that someone else is stupid on their sign board?

Oh, the irony.


----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Alan Stallion

*Apple Product Launch (A Bad Lip Reading)*


----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Michelle420




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Karl Rand

Manonthestreet said:


>


Couldn’t have been, that plonk isn’t Kosher,


----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Chuz Life




----------



## JustAnotherNut

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on...….

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up everything inside is numbered...…

The second surgeon says, "Yeah, but you should try electricians cause everything inside them is color coded"....

The third says, "No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order"...….

The fourth chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers.....Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over".....

But the fifth surgeon shuts them all up when he says, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine......plus the head and the ass are interchangeable"


----------



## JustAnotherNut

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat have died.....

All three are faced with God, who wants to know what they believe in...…

The German Shepherd says 'I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master' 

"Good" says God, "you may sit down to my right side".....

"Doberman, what do you believe in?" asks God...

The Doberman answers, "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master"....

"Aha" says God "you may sit to my left"

Then He looks at the cat and asks, "and what do you believe in?"....

The cat then answers, "I believe You are sitting in my seat"


----------



## Alan Stallion

Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.

I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.

The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.


----------



## JustAnotherNut




----------



## Rambunctious




----------



## Palmbeachsooner

.



Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


----------



## the other mike




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## ABikerSailor

Manonthestreet said:


>



Yep....................straight to the moon......................


----------



## ThirdTerm

Burger King in New Zealand released a promotional video, in which white customers eat burgers with chopsticks like toddlers do.


----------



## Darkwind

Manonthestreet said:


>


LOL


----------



## ABikerSailor

I really liked today's Non Sequitur.................


----------



## Muhammed




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## baileyn45

Manonthestreet said:


>


I tried it out on some young ones, yep, you do have to be of a mature age to get that one. A beauty none the less.


----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Rambunctious




----------



## peach174




----------



## Bleipriester

JustAnotherNut said:


> View attachment 239242


Yeah, good point. When you are lacking green paper, there is only the right to watch.


----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Mike Dwight




----------



## emilynghiem




----------



## emilynghiem




----------



## emilynghiem

Mom shocked that the cute T-shirt she ordered for her 3-year-old came with a profane slogan

Funniest misprint/Chinese translation

*Mother laughs "What I ordered VS what I received.
I fucking love China. I cannot stop screaming. WHO DOES THIS."*


----------



## JustAnotherNut

Found one for ya Toro …….


----------



## Erinwltr

Push me one more time bitch.


----------



## JustAnotherNut




----------



## the other mike




----------



## miketx

Your mother sews socks that smell!  Pluck me! Pluck me!


----------



## the other mike

Is it possible to wash and wax your car by hand without thinking about
Mr Miyagi and Daniel San ? I don't think so .


----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Manonthestreet

Angelo said:


> Is it possible to wash and wax your car by hand without thinking about
> Mr Miyagi and Daniel San ? I don't think so .


----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Tinhatter




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## the other mike

I let an old homeless guy paint my porch for $50 . Three hours later he knocks on the door and says "All done. By the way, that's a BMW not a Porsche."


----------



## Erinwltr

This dawg just can't be bothered.


----------



## deorro 1

Wildcard said:


>


dang i wish i could read what that said..


----------



## deorro 1

IsaacNewton said:


> You want to talk about empty space? The distance between George W Bush's ears is measured in lights years.
> 
> You want to talk about no brains? If brains were gasoline Sarah Palin wouldn't have enough to power a motorcycle around the outside of a dime.
> 
> Your mama's so fat her beeper went off and people thought she was backing up.
> 
> You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application.
> 
> What's the difference bewteen a 747 and a blonde? Not everyone's been on a 747.
> 
> What do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.


hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!  That was awesome!!!  

What do you call someone who says things as was just written to a series of jokes as was?


Sincere and hahahahahahaahahahahaha!!!  True to speech, at least i try...  

'don't be calling me a fool, Willus'.


----------



## the other mike

deorro 1 said:


> Wildcard said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> dang i wish i could read what that said..
Click to expand...

This may help


----------



## Wyld Kard

deorro 1 said:


> Wildcard said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> dang i wish i could read what that said..
Click to expand...


Problem solved, should be easier to read now.


----------



## toobfreak

Hossfly said:


> aaronleland said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 61160
Click to expand...



I think what was most funny was that everyone showing up for the chicken were all blacks, and they all acted like it was a crime, like they were entitled to the food or something, a breech of contract, and they'd starve without it.  They were probably back the next day demanding restitution.  Except the one white guy who showed up who, out of chicken shrugged his shoulders and said: "Guess I'm off down the street for a pizza."


----------



## the other mike

Clip of Andrew Dice Clay playing a drunk Marine on M.A.S.H....


----------



## Erinwltr

toobfreak said:


> Hossfly said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> aaronleland said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 61160
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> I think what was most funny was that everyone showing up for the chicken were all blacks, and they all acted like it was a crime, like they were entitled to the food or something, a breech of contract, and they'd starve without it.  They were probably back the next day demanding restitution.  Except the one white guy who showed up who, out of chicken shrugged his shoulders and said: "Guess I'm off down the street for a pizza."
Click to expand...

"They advertised on national TV, how you gonna run out of chicken?"  LOL!


----------



## bluzman61

OK, here's one that I came up with that actually got published in Maxim Magazine some years ago - Question : How are an aging prizefighter and Dracula's mistress alike?  Answer - They both go DOWN for the Count!


----------



## bluzman61

OK, here's a somewhat grisly one - Question : What was found during the autopsy on Jeffrey Dahmer?  Answer : Jimmy Hoffa!


----------



## bluzman61

OK, one more for the road - Question : How many people does it take to circumcise a whale?  Answer : Four Skin-divers!


----------



## Erinwltr

Hilarious song.


----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Erinwltr

Manonthestreet said:


>


Took my slow ass a while but I finally got it.  LOL!


----------



## Erinwltr

What mikey asks all his bottom bitchez.  miketx


----------



## williepete

*Raisin Bread*
A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. “I’d like some raisin bread, please,” the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.

Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. “Is yours raisin too?” the clerk yells testily.

“No,” croaks the feeble old man... “But it’s startin’ to twitch.”


----------



## Erinwltr

Just had a breakfast burrito to die for.


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## the other mike

"Stwike him centuwian, vewy wuffwy. !! "


----------



## JustAnotherNut




----------



## MisterBeale




----------



## MisterBeale




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Hugo Furst

Something to think about...


----------



## MisterBeale




----------



## JustAnotherNut




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## JustAnotherNut




----------



## JustAnotherNut




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## bluzman61

WillHaftawaite said:


>


THAT'S hilarious.  Thanks for posting!


----------



## bluzman61

Did you hear about the blind prostitute?  You really have to HAND it to her!


----------



## bluzman61

What's the difference between a rooster and Stormy Daniels?  A rooster says, "Cock-A-Doodle-Do" and Stormy says, "ANY Cock Will Do".


----------



## Vandalshandle

There once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
He had to admit, she stunk quite a bit,
but think of the money he saved!


----------



## MisterBeale




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## bluzman61

MisterBeale said:


>


He-he, now THAT'S an optical illusion!  Thanks for posting.


----------



## the other mike

Anyone ever see this ? It's pretty good.


----------



## MisterBeale




----------



## MisterBeale




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Erinwltr




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst

If Jesus had been born at the end of October, instead of December


----------



## MisterBeale




----------



## MisterBeale




----------



## the other mike

Manonthestreet said:


>


Is that the bad guy from Robocop ?


----------



## Manonthestreet

Angelo said:


> Manonthestreet said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Is that the bad guy from Robocop ?
Click to expand...

You failed to change his mind.


----------



## the other mike




----------



## the other mike




----------



## MisterBeale

Angelo said:


> Manonthestreet said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Is that the bad guy from Robocop ?
Click to expand...


What, you never watched the seventies show?  Missing out on a classic.


----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## HenryBHough

The cartoon part is the sign.  The rest?  That's just pathetic.


----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Erinwltr

Massive bear takes dumpster diving to a whole new level.

Massive bear takes dumpster diving to a whole new level


----------



## MisterBeale

Erinwltr said:


> Massive bear takes dumpster diving to a whole new level.
> 
> Massive bear takes dumpster diving to a whole new level


Wow. .  that was one fat assed bear.  Dumb and lazy too.  Probably a liberal, right?  lol  jk

Here we have a nice conservative, toned, healthy and entrepreneurial bear. . . 


(Just giving you shit.)

Amazing how they have different solutions to the same problem, and seriously, different personalities.)


----------



## Erinwltr

Beotch, get outta my way!


----------



## Erinwltr

Spotted on a old research lavatory wall.  I can only imagine what mikey would include in this list as well...


----------



## MisterBeale




----------



## MisterBeale




----------



## MisterBeale




----------



## progressive hunter

I DONT GET LAID A LOT SO I HANG AROUND FISH STORES SO I SMELL LIKE I DO,,,


----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Mindful




----------



## Persistence Of Memory

Guy and his wife are at their beach house relaxing by the lake.

She says....Honey, If anything ever happened to me would you get married again??.................He says.......Probably.

Honey. Would she sleep in the same bed you and I do??.....................................................Probably

Honey.....Would you take long walks with her like you do with me??..................................Probably

Honey...Would you take her to the beach house too??........................................Probably

Honey. Would you let her use my golf clubs too??...................................Naw she's left handed...................


----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## rightwinger

Erinwltr said:


> Hilarious song.



Damn Brits.....

I can only understand every other word. Wish they would learn to speak English


----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## williepete




----------



## Hellbilly

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Hellbilly

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Hellbilly

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Hellbilly

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Hugo Furst

My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!

They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....


----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## Hossfly




----------



## the other mike

Who doesn't need a Glick fix now 
and then ?


----------



## Hossfly

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science and mathematics.

He makes friends with the tribe’s chief and his wife and they all live happily for some time.

One day the chief’s wife gives birth to a white child.

The word spreads and the entire tribe is in shock.The chief pulls the professor aside and says, “Look, you are the only white man we’ve ever seen around here, and my wife gave birth to a white child.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened!”The professor replied, “No, chief, you’re mistaken.

What we have here is a natural occurrence what we in the civilized world call an albino!

Look at that field over there.

All the sheep are white except for one black one.

Nature does this on occasion.

“The chief was silent for a moment, then said, “Tell you what.


You don’t say anything more about that sheep and I won’t say anything more about the white kid.”


----------



## the other mike

There are adults in the United States in the twenty first century who still believe the Sun revolves around the Earth. And that would be funny except it's true.


----------



## the other mike




----------



## the other mike




----------



## Hossfly




----------



## JustAnotherNut




----------



## JustAnotherNut




----------



## JustAnotherNut




----------



## JustAnotherNut

and for some reason the copy paste function wouldn't work, so here goes...…….


*If ya'll see me dragging my butt across the yard
Mind your own damn business
It was YOU who bought all the TP.....*


----------



## ABikerSailor

JustAnotherNut said:


> View attachment 312226





JustAnotherNut said:


> and for some reason the copy paste function wouldn't work, so here goes...…….
> 
> 
> *If ya'll see me dragging my butt across the yard
> Mind your own damn business
> It was YOU who bought all the TP.....*



You know, that is one thing I don't really understand.  Why in the hell are people stockpiling and hoarding toilet paper?  This virus doesn't give you the squirts, so your toilet paper use will be pretty much the same whether you have the virus or not.  The only way it might increase is if you have bad sniffles, but most people use Kleenex for that.


----------



## bluzman61

Here's a fun riddle to lighten up the mood - Q : Why did Wilbur Post's wife leave him for Mr. Ed?  A : Because Mr. Ed was hung like a horse, of course!


----------



## Hossfly

My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.


We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...



I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many dear are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'




IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.



I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'





The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....



When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!

They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....


----------



## Hossfly

​​
*​*​
​


----------



## Hossfly




----------



## Hossfly




----------



## Hossfly




----------



## bluzman61

OK, here's a somewhat grisly joke/riddle, but hopefully you'll find it humorous - Q : What was found when they did the autopsy on Jeffrey Dahmer?  A : Jimmy Hoffa!


----------



## bluzman61

How many people does it take to circumcise a whale?  Four-Skin Divers!


----------



## bluzman61

Hossfly said:


>


Thanks for the post!  I've seen this before, it's like the cats are thinking, "WTF was THAT?"


----------



## bluzman61

One of George Carlin's better ones - "Why is it that in public a man can prick his finger, but not finger his prick?"


----------



## Hossfly

*  Speaking of divorce, an acquaintance got a divorce and the cheating wife and her lawyer raked him over the coals, gave her half his worth and arranged for the wife to have custody of the child which devastated the man. He vowed he would get even one day. Well, a couple years later he was jogging in the sand at Myrtle Beach when he tripped over a hard, sharp object. He bent down, picked it up and saw it was a shiny metal oil lamp like he had seen in pictures of Arabia.*
*  It was covered with sand and in order to read the inscription, he rubbed off the sand and there was a bright flash of light , a puff of smoke and when the smoke cleared there stood a scrawny little bowlegged dude dressed in baggy pajamas, pointy sandals and a turban on his head. He told my friend, "I am a genie and you have released me from the lamp after a thousand years and I must grant you three wishes. But I must warn you that for every wish you make, every lawyer in America will receive double".
 Thinking hard my friend said, "Well, here goes. I wish I had a Rolls Royce". There was a flash and a crack and there stood a Rolls. At the same time there were two Rolls in the driveway of every lawyer in America. The genie said, "Be wise because you are making the lawyers richer". My friend said, "No sweat, I have it covered and for my second wish I would l would like a million dollars". Flash, Crack, and there appeared a stack of a million and each lawyer had two million in his bank account. The genie told him,"For your third wish be very careful because now all the lawyers are very wealthy".  So my friend thought long and hard then told the genie "Don't worry, I know what I'm doing". Then, swallowing hard and taking a deep breath, announced, "for my third wish, I....... I..... I, (gulp) wish to donate a kidney".
  And that is the true story of my friend's divorce outcome.   
.*


----------



## bluzman61

Hossfly said:


> *  Speaking of divorce, an acquaintance got a divorce and the cheating wife and her lawyer raked him over the coals, gave her half his worth and arranged for the wife to have custody of the child which devastated the man. He vowed he would get even one day. Well, a couple years later he was jogging in the sand at Myrtle Beach when he tripped over a hard, sharp object. He bent down, picked it up and saw it was a shiny metal oil lamp like he had seen in pictures of Arabia.*
> *  It was covered with sand and in order to read the inscription, he rubbed off the sand and there was a bright flash of light , a puff of smoke and when the smoke cleared there stood a scrawny little bowlegged dude dressed in baggy pajamas, pointy sandals and a turban on his head. He told my friend, "I am a genie and you have released me from the lamp after a thousand years and I must grant you three wishes. But I must warn you that for every wish you make, every lawyer in America will receive double".
> Thinking hard my friend said, "Well, here goes. I wish I had a Rolls Royce". There was a flash and a crack and there stood a Rolls. At the same time there were two Rolls in the driveway of every lawyer in America. The genie said, "Be wise because you are making the lawyers richer". My friend said, "No sweat, I have it covered and for my second wish I would l would like a million dollars". Flash, Crack, and there appeared a stack of a million and each lawyer had two million in his bank account. The genie told him,"For your third wish be very careful because now all the lawyers are very wealthy".  So my friend thought long and hard then told the genie "Don't worry, I know what I'm doing". Then, swallowing hard and taking a deep breath, announced, "for my third wish, I....... I..... I, (gulp) wish to donate a kidney".
> And that is the true story of my friend's divorce outcome.
> .*


Hilarious!  Thanks for the post.


----------



## bluzman61

Here's one in celebration of St. Patrick's Day - What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?  One less drunk.


----------



## bluzman61

What did the Native American and Polish couple name their child?  Little Running Dumbshit.


----------



## bluzman61

Why did the Italian boat sink?  Because it was WOP sided!


----------



## bluzman61

What do the tires on an Italian car sound like?  Dey Go, "Wop, Wop, Wop, Wop......"


----------



## bluzman61

What's the biggest reason Poland has yet to put a man on the moon?  Because their astronauts keep falling off their KITES.....


----------



## ABikerSailor

Willie was the chemist's son................
Willie is no more.
What Willie thought was H2O
Was H2SO4.

(that's how I remembered the chemical formula for sulfuric acid back in high school.  Still with me after over 40 years).


----------



## bluzman61

And one more CLASSIC Polish joke - How do you get a one-armed Pole out of a tree?  Wave.


----------



## ABikerSailor

Q:  What do you call a one legged woman standing next to a wall?
A:  Eileen.

Q:  What do you call the same woman if she is of Asian descent?
A:  Irene.


----------



## bluzman61

What could you say about a group of lawyers covered to their necks in cement?  Not QUITE enough cement!


----------



## Hossfly




----------



## Hossfly




----------



## Hossfly




----------



## bluzman61

My brother told me a funny, but sick, joke today.  I THINK I had heard it already, here it is - What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?  The TASTE....


----------



## bluzman61

OK, here's an original riddle/joke of mine that actually got printed in Maxim magazine many moons ago, but I didn't win anything unfortunately.  Here 'tis - Q : How are Dracula's mistress and an aging prizefighter alike?  A : They both go DOWN for the COUNT!


----------



## bluzman61

How are brilliant ideas and Einstein masturbating alike?  They're both STROKES of (a) GENIUS!  OK, THIS one NEVER saw print anywhere.


----------



## Hossfly




----------



## TroglocratsRdumb

Hossfly said:


> View attachment 314004


funny and agree


----------



## Hossfly




----------



## Hossfly




----------



## bluzman61

Hossfly said:


> View attachment 314530


Good one, Hoss!  Thanks for the post.  I told my sister the joke you posted, I believe a few days back, about the guy and his three wishes which involves lawyers.  I think it's one of the best jokes I've ever heard, however, my sister didn't find it funny at all.  She IS a bit humor-challenged.


----------



## bluzman61

Here's a wedding joke for y'all - Why did the mysterious lady use a strange name during her wedding ceremony?  Because she wanted to use her ALTAR ego.......


----------



## bluzman61

Another wedding joke for you - Why did the MELON refuse to run away with his bride and skip the wedding ceremony?  Because he CAN'T ELOPE.....


----------



## bluzman61

OK, one more church themed joke and I won't subject you to any more - Why was the trouble making fellow banned from attending future church services?  Because he was a pain in the APSE....... That's it, no more awful jokes, at least for tonight.  If you have ANY complaints about these jokes, please call 1-800-FOK-YUUU.  We have people standing by, well, actually SITTING by, who may or may not take your call.  Depending on their mood.  Anywho, Thank Ewe very much for your time and a have a spooktacular evening.  And unfortunately for you, I WILL be here ALL week.....


----------



## the other mike




----------



## the other mike

#2 "Don't seek happiness. Happiness is like an orgasm.....if you think 
about it too much, it goes away."


----------



## Mindful

We all need a laugh during these bonkers times.


----------



## Erinwltr

*Every* * week, Manny entered the state lottery hoping to win; he never did. Finally, he prayed vigorously and, hoping for God's message, he walked around the local fairground. A flash of lightning struck as he was passing by Nadine's carnival stall. She was bending over and he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see the number 7 tattooed on each of her butt cheeks. He bet on 77, as he thought God had given him a sign. Sadly, he lost again.



The winning number was 707. 



Moral of the story;* * Never under estimate the importance of assholes in your life.*


----------



## progressive hunter

Erinwltr said:


> *Every* * week, Manny entered the state lottery hoping to win; he never did. Finally, he prayed vigorously and, hoping for God's message, he walked around the local fairground. A flash of lightning struck as he was passing by Nadine's carnival stall. She was bending over and he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see the number 7 tattooed on each of her butt cheeks. He bet on 77, as he thought God had given him a sign. Sadly, he lost again.
> 
> 
> 
> The winning number was 707.
> 
> 
> 
> Moral of the story;* * Never under estimate the importance of assholes in your life.*


I wanted to get an M tattooed on each of my ass cheeks so when I bent over it said MOM and when I threw my legs in the air it said WOW


----------



## progressive hunter

bluzman61 said:


> Here's a wedding joke for y'all - Why did the mysterious lady use a strange name during her wedding ceremony?  Because she wanted to use her ALTAR ego.......


did you hear the one about the newly wed cpl that didnt know the difference between window caulk and Vaseline???

,
.
,
.

all their windows fell out,,,


----------



## progressive hunter

Erinwltr said:


> *Every* * week, Manny entered the state lottery hoping to win; he never did. Finally, he prayed vigorously and, hoping for God's message, he walked around the local fairground. A flash of lightning struck as he was passing by Nadine's carnival stall. She was bending over and he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see the number 7 tattooed on each of her butt cheeks. He bet on 77, as he thought God had given him a sign. Sadly, he lost again.
> 
> 
> 
> The winning number was 707.
> 
> 
> 
> Moral of the story;* * Never under estimate the importance of assholes in your life.*


my wife just informed me that manny had it all wrong,,
it wasnt a 707 it was LOL for when she threw her legs in the air,,,


----------



## Corazon




----------



## Corazon




----------



## Corazon




----------



## ABikerSailor

progressive hunter said:


> Erinwltr said:
> 
> 
> 
> *Every* * week, Manny entered the state lottery hoping to win; he never did. Finally, he prayed vigorously and, hoping for God's message, he walked around the local fairground. A flash of lightning struck as he was passing by Nadine's carnival stall. She was bending over and he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see the number 7 tattooed on each of her butt cheeks. He bet on 77, as he thought God had given him a sign. Sadly, he lost again.
> 
> 
> 
> The winning number was 707.
> 
> 
> 
> Moral of the story;* * Never under estimate the importance of assholes in your life.*
> 
> 
> 
> I wanted to get an M tattooed on each of my ass cheeks so when I bent over it said MOM and when I threw my legs in the air it said WOW
Click to expand...


Not sure that would be such a good idea.  While it might say MOM when you bend over, it will also say that if you ever do it doggy style, and the dude you're having sex with might walk away with some Oedipal issues.


----------



## sparky

~S~


----------



## DustyInfinity

Corazon said:


> View attachment 315982



My son wants to be a business major.  I went with him to a college visit, and I told him if he got a 2 dollar soda out of the business school vending machine, he would automatically fail his first semester.


----------



## Manonthestreet




----------



## the other mike




----------



## bluzman61

David Letterman, during the course of his long running talk show, had a funny bit he did in I believe from the mid to late 1980's, maybe later.  It was called "Hometown News", where viewers would send in funny pictures or stories usually from nice, small towns.  He showed one that would never make the airwaves today.  It was an ad for a beauty salon/hair cutter that proudly announced their special, and I'm NOT making this up, "Free BLOW JOB with shampoo and cut"!  Of course the ad was SUPPOSED to read, "Free BLOW DRY with shampoo and cut".  Hilarious AND real.


----------



## Alan Stallion

The day Worthing sea-front was invaded by infinite teddy-bears. 
No teddy bears were harmed in the making of this video.


----------



## gtopa1

Greg


----------



## Corazon




----------



## Corazon




----------



## Likkmee




----------



## Corazon

Coronavirus finally defends itself: ‘Killing people is only 3% of what I do’


----------



## Corazon




----------



## Muhammed




----------



## Rambunctious




----------



## Corazon




----------



## Corazon




----------



## Corazon




----------



## Corazon




----------



## Corazon




----------



## Corazon




----------



## Rambunctious




----------



## Rambunctious




----------



## SaxxyBlues

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!


----------



## progressive hunter

A women goes into a shoe store to get some new shoes and the guy that was helping her try on shoes noticed she wasnt wearing any panties and had a short skirt on,
after several side takes up her skirt he just couldnt take it anymore and told her
honey I'd eat that pussy full of ice cream,,,

well needless to say she got mad and left,
when she got home she told her husband to go down and woop that son of a bitch,
the husband thought for a few seconds and finally said NO he aint gonna do it,,
she looked at him funny and said WHY NOT???

he said first off you got to many shoes already and didnt need more
2nd is that you shouldnt be going outside with out panties on,,,

and 3rd is any mother fucker that can eat that much ice cream I dont want to fuck with,,,


----------



## Corazon




----------



## Corazon




----------



## Hossfly




----------



## Muhammed

You're doing it all wrong dude. That's not how you make babies.


----------



## Silver Cat




----------



## Silver Cat




----------



## Corazon




----------



## Corazon




----------



## Corazon




----------



## Corazon




----------



## Corazon




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Captain Caveman

I tried two new business adventures.

First one was bungee jumping for the disabled. It was called, "Spastics on Elastic".

And the other was lingerie for the disabled, "Mongs in Thongs".


----------



## Captain Caveman

My first wife was from Thailand, and she died..

..of testicular cancer.


----------



## Corazon

Captain Caveman said:


> My first wife was from Thailand, and she died..
> 
> ..of testicular cancer.


----------



## Corazon




----------



## Corazon




----------



## Corazon




----------



## Corazon




----------



## Erinwltr

bluzman61 said:


> OK, one more church themed joke and I won't subject you to any more - Why was the trouble making fellow banned from attending future church services?  Because he was a pain in the APSE....... That's it, no more awful jokes, at least for tonight.  If you have ANY complaints about these jokes, please call 1-800-FOK-YUUU.  We have people standing by, well, actually SITTING by, who may or may not take your call.  Depending on their mood.  Anywho, Thank Ewe very much for your time and a have a spooktacular evening.  And unfortunately for you, I WILL be here ALL week.....


Hmmm, somethin the plucked a never, huh. buzzy?


----------



## Silver Cat




----------



## Votto

Silver Cat said:


> View attachment 359697


You have to include Obama or it makes you a racist


----------



## Alan Stallion

Yeah boyyyyyyyy!


----------



## JustAnotherNut




----------



## Wyld Kard




----------



## asaratis

Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## Mindful




----------



## progressive hunter

I dont get laid a lot so I hang around fish markets so I smell like I do,,,


----------



## Hossfly

Why did the chicken cross the road roll around in the dirt and come back across? Because he’s a dirty double crosser.


----------



## asaratis




----------



## asaratis




----------



## asaratis

A friend told me about a day out with his grandson. This is what he said:



> Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My 6 year-old grandson asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert.  And liberty, peace & justice for all. Amen!”
> 
> Along with the laughter and nodding of heads from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman at the next table remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why -- I never!”
> 
> Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears & asked me, "Did I do it
> wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?"
> 
> After I assured him that he had done a terrific job & that God was
> certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
> He winked at my grandson & said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
> 
> "Really?" my grandson asked.
> 
> "Cross my heart," the man replied.
> 
> Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul”
> 
> Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal.
> My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did
> something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
> 
> With a big smile he looked her in the eye and told her, "Here ma'am,
> this is for you, you grouchy old bitch. You must be a Democrat. Shove
> it up your ass and cool off!”



Kinda brings a tear to your eyes, doesn't it?


----------



## eddiew

asaratis said:


> A friend told me about a day out with his grandson. This is what he said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My 6 year-old grandson asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert.  And liberty, peace & justice for all. Amen!”
> 
> Along with the laughter and nodding of heads from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman at the next table remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why -- I never!”
> 
> Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears & asked me, "Did I do it
> wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?"
> 
> After I assured him that he had done a terrific job & that God was
> certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
> He winked at my grandson & said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
> 
> "Really?" my grandson asked.
> 
> "Cross my heart," the man replied.
> 
> Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul”
> 
> Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal.
> My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did
> something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
> 
> With a big smile he looked her in the eye and told her, "Here ma'am,
> this is for you, you grouchy old bitch. You must be a Democrat. Shove
> it up your ass and cool off!”
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Kinda brings a tear to your eyes, doesn't it?
Click to expand...

Satire from The Borowitz Report*Trump Replaces Mary Trump with Kayleigh McEnany as Niece*


*With only three and a half months to go until the election, replacing family members could be seen as a sign of desperation, political insiders said.*
By Andy Borowitz
*July 18, 2020*


----------



## Rambunctious




----------



## Hossfly




----------



## JustAnotherNut

Hossfly said:


> View attachment 389243


I bet you did that too, didntcha?


----------



## asaratis

*The Girl Across the Street 

She's single... She lives right across the street.
I can see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight. 
Are you doing anything?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"

"Great," she said, "Can you watch my dog?"

Being a senior citizen really sucks!*


----------



## Silver Cat

It's not about COVID-19, you know.


----------



## the other mike

This guy's great.


----------



## asaratis




----------



## my2¢




----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Wyld Kard

*John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so". 

"Fine, then the wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right " To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Kenmore written on my forehead? I don't think so". 

"Fine", she says "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break " "I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps". He says, "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so I've had enough of you, I'm going to the bar!" 

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. 

 As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey", he asks, "How did all this get fixed?" 

She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried." Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either give him a titty fuck or bake a cake". He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake?" She replied, "Hellooooo..... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"*


----------



## candycorn




----------



## Captain Caveman

What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave oven?

A microwave oven doesn't brown your meat.


----------



## Captain Caveman

What did the orphan get for Christmas?

Cancer.


----------



## Captain Caveman

What's half black and doesn't work?

London.


----------



## TheParser

Mona (speaking with her high school teacher): My mom used to be one of your students.

Mr. Smith: Really? What a small world.

Mona: She says you were her favorite teacher.

Mr. Smith: I'm flattered.

Mona (looking at him very carefully): May I ask you a question?

Mr. Smith: Of course.

Mona: Did you use(d) to be good-looking?


I rewrote that backhanded compliment from a true incident reported in the February, 2021, print edition of the _Reader's Digest._


----------



## AlanParker1989




----------



## asaratis

In church last Sunday, I heard a sweet elderly lady in a nearby pew saying a prayer.
She was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you:

“Dear Lord: This last year has been very tough. You have taken my favorite actors Sean Connery, Kirk Douglas and Diana Rigg; my favorite television host, Alex Trebek; Carl Reiner from ‘Your Show of Shows’; my favorite singer from the 50’s, Little Richard; even Charlie Daniels and Kenny Rogers my two favorite country western singers; and from sports you took Gale Sayers and my favorite basketball player Kobe Bryant.”

“I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer."


----------



## asaratis

_*SPOT ON LOGIC!





Your browser is not able to display this video.


*_


----------



## asaratis

*Let's never get rid of newspapers, they are a great source of entertainment !!
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	















*


----------



## lg325

'This Is Wrong': Progressives Condemn Joe Biden's Refusal to Cancel $50K in…



Proud Boy’s attorneys argue Trump to blame for deadly Capitol insurrection




If getting a laugh out of a teen was as easy as eliciting an eye roll, we wouldn’t need articles like this. But here we are. These corny jokes for teens are more mature than your average knock-knock joke, but still fall within the scope of family-friendly humor. Good jokes for teens make your teen laugh by acknowledging their maturity and intelligence — without getting dirty. Because clean jokes can be hilarious too if done correctly. Pull these legitimately funny jokes for teens out during dinner while competing for attention with their phone, or during carpool.  Having a few of these age-appropriate jokes up your sleeve will earn you a few laughs, if not status as a cool dad.  The only hard part is not using them all at once.






© Provided by Fatherly
*Q. What did the grape say when he was pinched?*


A. Nothing, he gave a little wine.

*Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?*

A: Big hands.

*Q

: What did the man say when he walked into a bar?*

A: Ouch!


*Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only one letter in it?*

A: An envelope

*Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?*

A: It’s okay. He woke up.

*Q: Why can’t you trust an atom?*

A: Because they make up everything.

*Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?*

A: A pork chop.

*Q: What did the grape say when he was pinched?*

A: Nothing, he gave a little wine.

*Q: Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?*

A: Because it has a silent pee.

*Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?*

A: “Put it on my bill.”

*Q: What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?*

A: A stick.

*Q: Why did the selfie go to prison?*

A: It was framed.

*Q: How do you make a tissue dance?*

A: Put a little boogie in it.

*Q. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?*

A: Because it has a silent pee.

*Q: What do you call an old snowman?*

A: A creek.

*Q: What is red, orange, and full of disappointment?*

A: High school pizza.

*Q: What do computers eat for a snack?*

A: Microchips!

*Q: What does a school and plant have in common?*

A: STEM.

*Q: What did the middle schooler say to the high schooler?*

A: Nothing, they texted.

*Q. What is the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple?*

A: They’re both red except for the green one.

*Q: Why did Adele cross the road?*

A: To sing, “Hello from the other side!”

*Q. How do you drown a hipster?*

A: In the mainstream.

*Q: What did one DNA strand say to the other?*

A: Does my bum look good in these genes?

*Q: What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?*

A: It gets toad away.

*Q: Why do wrappers need umbrellas?*

A: Fo’ drizzle.

*Q: What’ the difference between ignorance and apathy?*

A: I don’t know, and I don’t care.

*Q: What gets sharper the more you use it but dull if you don’t use it at all?*

A: Students.


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## asaratis

Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## asaratis

Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## asaratis

Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## asaratis

Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## asaratis




----------



## asaratis

Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## progressive hunter

whats the difference between a battle ax and a timber ax??


,


,


,


,


,

one you keep in the kitchen and the other in the woodshed,,,


----------



## GMCGeneral

Anyone know about this great new personal injury law firm that just opened up? It's the firm of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe. Their lead co-counsels are Ima B. Isch, and this dude from Germany named Klaus Von Deuschebahg.

What did the plumber say to his customer before installing the hot water heater? "Ma'am, it's a "tankless" job but somebody's got to do it.

If you have a friend or family member named John, what's the one way you do NOT want to greet him at the airport? "Hi, Jack!"

What's Italian for a colonoscopy? Innuendo.


----------



## Hossfly

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she’s finished, the tough, hairy biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting.”

“You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?”

She replied, “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl…”


----------



## Hossfly




----------



## asaratis




----------



## asaratis

In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a stranger using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond. 

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." 
-This means: Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows shit in it." 

The man shouted back: "I'm from New England and I'm down here campaigning for *Biden's *Presidential run. I can't understand you. Please speak in English." 

*The rancher replied: "Use both hands."*


----------



## asaratis




----------



## asaratis

Three surgeons were bragging while playing golf. The first one said, "I had a patient that cut off four fingers on a table saw and I reattached them so well he now is playing the guitar in a band!”

The second doctor said, "I had a patient who was in a bad motorcycle accident and lost his leg and arm I reattached them and now he's training for the Olympic gymnast team!”

The third doctor said "I had a patient who was riding her horse down a railroad track and was hit by a high speed train.

All they could find was the horse's ass, a few body parts and her hair. I put them together and now she's the Speaker of the House!”


----------



## Hossfly




----------



## asaratis




----------



## asaratis

*The Queen's Riddle*



*Nancy Pelosi met with the Queen of England. 

She asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?  Are there any tips you can give to me?” 

“Well,” said the Queen, “The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Pelosi frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”*

*The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy: you just ask them a to answer an intelligent riddle”

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?”

Boris Johnson walked into the room and said, “Yes, Your Majesty?” 

The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, Boris, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”*

*Without pausing, Boris answered, “That would be me”                

“Yes! very good,” said the Queen.*

*Pelosi went back home to ask Joe Biden, the same question. “Joe, answer this for me.  “Your mother and your father have a child.   It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”*

*“I’m not sure,” said Biden.  “Let me get back to you on that one.” He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.*

*Luckily, Biden ran into Sarah Palin in a D.C. restaurant one night.  Biden asked, Sarah, can you answer this for me?  Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?” *

*Sarah Palin answered right back, “That’s easy, it’s me!”*

*Biden smiled , and said, “Thanks!”

 Then he went back to speak with Pelosi. “Say, I did  some research and I have the answer to that riddle.  It's Sarah Palin.”*

* Pelosi got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face.* *"*_*No! You idiot! It’s Boris Johnson!”*_ 

_AND THAT, IS PRECISELY WHAT’S GOING ON IN THE WHITE HOUSE!_


----------



## Hugo Furst




----------



## Hossfly

*Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?” “Si, Sand,” answered Juan. The guard says, “We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?” “Sand,” says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. “Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?” Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles…”*


----------



## asaratis

With Tax Returns due in near future, please rest assured that the IRS auditors are sharpening their pencils.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.
.

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.
.






Your browser is not able to display this video.


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## asaratis




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## asaratis




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## asaratis




----------



## asaratis




----------



## asaratis




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## asaratis




----------



## the other mike

Flashback to 1976


----------



## asaratis

*Not for the overly sensitive...

HOW TO AVOID A SPEEDING TICKET IN MISSISSIPPI*





Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## Mindful




----------



## miketx

Mindful said:


>


It's a Lambo!


----------



## Mindful

We want to believe the Bible is perfect, but there are a few plot holes in there that have always bugged us. Here are the nine most glaring plot holes:



Adam and Eve never exchange pronouns. Adam and Eve seem to get along fine, but the author forgot to include a scene where they exchange pronouns. How did they know how to refer to one another?
It's totally unrealistic that Noah would have let geese on the ark. And cats, for that matter.
Why didn't Mary and Joseph just ride the Eagles into Bethlehem? They go on this long journey when Gandalf could have just summoned the Eagles.
Why do the Israelites lead the Nazis right to the Ark of the Covenant? This has bugged us since our first readthrough.
Why was the Melchizedek plotline never wrapped up? Who's writing this, JJ Abrams? Such a red herring.
How did King Solomon survive so long having 1000 women, assuming all their periods were synced up? This just goes beyond the realm of credulity to lazy writing.
Jesus comes back from the dead like it's nothing -- a major deus ex machina. Just out of nowhere, He's back at the last minute to save the day, right when He's needed to help win the Battle of Helm's Deep.
Why is John a bitter old man living on an island milking aliens by the time he wrote Revelation? This really felt like too much subversion.
Why does God send His Son to save humanity when humanity is literally just the worst? The motive was never really clear here. Did the author expect us to believe God loved the world so much that He sent His Son to die for us? Come on!
What plot holes have you noticed in the Scriptures? Let us know in the comments! Unless you're poor, because then you're not a Bee subscriber.









						9 Of The Biggest Plot Holes In The Bible
					

We want to believe the Bible is perfect, but there are a few plot holes in there that have always bugged us. Here are the nine most glaring plot holes:




					babylonbee.com


----------



## asaratis

Hellmann's Mayonnaise





Most people don't know that back in
1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was
manufactured in England.  In fact,
the Titanic was carrying 12,000
jars of the condiment scheduled
for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico,
which was to be the next port of call
for the great ship after its stop in
New York.  This would have been
the largest single shipment of
mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico

...  But as we know, the great ship
did not make it to New York.  The
ship hit an iceberg and sank.  The
people of Mexico, who were crazy
about mayonnaise, and were eagerly
awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate
at the loss.  Their anguish was so
great, that they declared a National
Day of Mourning.
​The National Day of Mourning occurs
each year on May 5 and is known,
of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.

WHAT???  You expected something educational from me?
You need a shot of Tequila.


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

Angelo said:


> Flashback to 1976
> View attachment 485111



I remember 4 cans of veggies for $1.00


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## miketx




----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## asaratis




----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

asaratis said:


> View attachment 493245



Do they come in Margarita as well?


----------

