# Liberal jokes!



## Gabriella84

Since you are all so open minded :2guns: , I thought you might enjoy reading some liberal "jokes." 
You are allowed to laugh if you wish. I won't inform Homeland Security.  :blah2: 


What is the difference between Monica Lewinsky and Tony Blair?

Blair didn't keep the dress.

 :scratch: 

What the first thing Nixon said to Reagan when they met in The Great Beyond?

"How come you got away with it and I didn't?"

 

Why is there such a difference in opinion regarding Clinton and Bush?

It's OK to be a big dick as long as you don't use it


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## Stephanie

Gabriella84 said:
			
		

> Since you are all so open minded :2guns: , I thought you might enjoy reading some liberal "jokes."
> You are allowed to laugh if you wish. I won't inform Homeland Security.  :blah2:
> 
> 
> What is the difference between Monica Lewinsky and Tony Blair?
> 
> Blair didn't keep the dress.
> 
> :scratch:
> 
> What the first thing Nixon said to Reagan when they met in The Great Beyond?
> 
> "How come you got away with it and I didn't?"
> 
> 
> 
> Why is there such a difference in opinion regarding Clinton and Bush?
> 
> It's OK to be a big dick as long as you don't use it



You a so called adult with a childs mind. :baby:


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## Adam's Apple

Well, now we know the libs don't have a sense of humor either.  No wonder they have all that anger and hate built up inside.  Geez!


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## KarlMarx

Stephanie said:
			
		

> You a so called adult with a childs mind. :baby:



Q: How many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: First you have to run it by the United Nations and get their approval. If the Security Council doesn't approve, see if you can get a resolution passed. Next you need to determine the environmental impact of changing the lightbulb. Is it an environmentally friendly lightbulb? No? Then sue the lightbulb manufacturer for violating the Kyoto Protocol (even though we didn't sign it). Next, are we going to offend anyone by changing the lightbulb? After all we don't want to be seen by the rest of the world as being unilateralist. We don't want to be seen as being aggressive and making the Arab world hate us. Back to that UN resolution, it didn't work, now what? Well, put it up to a vote, and get another resolution passed. Is that lightbulb paid for with public funds? If so, the ACLU just informed us that we are getting sued for changing the lightbulb because we mentioned God in a public place. Oh, now I forgot, when is a lightbulb a lightbulb? Shouldn't a woman be able to change a lightbulb without her husband's consent? Better get the NOW involved and see what they have to say. Are we going to offend any designated victim groups by changing this lightbulb? Just to be on the safe side, write a check to Jesse Jackson's Rainbow Coalition. How about the gays? We don't want to be seen as heteronormative, homophobic or AIDS insensitive, let's be sure that we attend all the mandated sensitivity seminars. Back to that 2nd UN resolution, it didn't work, now what? Well, let's see if we can get France to go along with another resolution. Jimmy Carter says that we really have a failed lightbulb changing policy and that we need to be more sensitive to the feelings of Fidel Castro when it comes to changing lightbulbs. Now just who is going to change that lightbulb? We need to make sure that women, union members, gays, Blacks, Hispanics are fairly represented. Back to that ACLU lawsuit, our lawyer is trying to get the ruling reversed on appeal, we probably should wait. Did France go along with our proposed resolution to the UN? Bill Clinton and Hillary are weighing in ... they claim that the lightbulb going out is linked to a vast Right Wing conspiracy that is out to get Bill Clinton. Did I mention that the Senate Democrats are filibustering to get the lightbulb changing stopped?  Bad news, we've just been told that the equipment that we want to use to change the lightbulb isn't up to spec, we need to get a more expensive lightbulb changer that is environmentally friendly, safe, OSHA approved, diverse, has low cholesterol, high fiber, doesn't offend anyone, and isn't associated with tobacco or pharamceutical companies. Did you just hear, one of the people on our team was caught voting Republican and was found reading the Bible. We don't want any right wing religious extremists taking over the team, better find a vegetarian lesbian (preferrably black) to replace them. Did the UN just vote on another resoultion?


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## Shattered

Adam's Apple said:
			
		

> Well, now we know the libs don't have a sense of humor either.  No wonder they have all that anger and hate built up inside.  Geez!



Oh good.. I was beginning to think I was the only one that didn't find anything funny.  Not even worthy of a smirk.


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## KarlMarx

Q: Why did the liberal cross the road?

A1: To get away from George W. Bush!

A2: To get in touch with his feelings

Micheal Moore: We all know that the liberal crossing the road was due to a conspiracy between Karl Rove, Dick Cheney and Halliburton!

A3: To save the whales

A4: To protest the oppression of gays and minorities

A5: He was letting illegal aliens into the country

A6: To get a drivers license for the aforementioned illegal aliens

Sen Byrd: We all know that crossing the road is a time honored tradition in the Senate

Bill Clinton: I crossed the road because I felt your pain!

Michael Jackson: To check out the boys!

Jacque Chirac: To try to get the EU Constitution passed

The UN: we need to pass a resolution before crossing the road

The ACLU: Is that a federally funded road? Did someone mention God?

The American Trial Lawyers: Because the ambulance was parked on the other side

Jesse Jackson: To achieve racial equality for all black brothers and sisters! Speaking of crossing roads...did I tell you what Martin Luther King told me on the road to Selma?

Ted Kennedy: To get to my car after the bar closed

Hillary Clinton: I have not yet decided if I will cross the road in 2008

Gays: Once you cross the road, you can't ever cross back!

Sean Penn: *&$*#(& @&@& &@&(((@~~ ))) >?> U&&*#(((#_)

Britanny Spears: I crossed the road, but then got it anulled 24 hours later

Jimmy Carter: Fidel invited me to cross over and discuss America's aggressive foreign policy towards Cuba

Bob Dylan: How many roads must a man cross before he is finally a man?... the answer my friend is blowing in the wind.....

John Kerry: I remember being ordered to cross the road by President Nixon during the Christmas of 1968, it is seared into my memory!

Animal Rights Activist: As long it isn't a chicken that crossed the road! Animals have feelings too!

Terrorist: I heard that 72 virgins were waiting for me!

NEA: George W Bush leaves too many children left behind on the other side of the road, that is why we need another 100 billion dollars added to the Dept of Education budget!

Hillary Clinton (again): It takes a whole village to cross the road!

Monica Lewinsky: I crossed the road with Bill, and saved the dress that I did it in, just in case!

Al Gore: I would have crossed the road, but George W. Bush stole the opportunity from me!

Karl Marx (founder of Communism): To get away from the oppression of the buogeouis capitalists!

The NOW: It should be a woman's choice to cross the road!

Rosie O'Donnell: To marry my partner! Gay marriage is legal on the other side of the road!

KarlMarx(USMB Poster): As long as liberals cross roads, I will be here to ridicule them!


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## Gabriella84

Liberals are not too hung up to laugh at ourselves and our failings. Conservatives merely believe they have no failings.


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## Hobbit

Gabriella84 said:
			
		

> Liberals are not too hung up to laugh at ourselves and our failings. Conservatives merely believe they have no failings.



Yeah, but those jokes are downright offensive and inflammatory.  Try this one for size.

How many Republicans does it take to change a lgiht bulb?

None, light bulbs are always on self-correcting curves that will eventually even out.  If we wait long enough, the bulb will come back on by itself without government interferance.

This, of course, refers to the Republican stance that economies are self-correcting.  Try stuff more like this in the future.

Or:  That should be left up to the states.

Referring to a traditional Republican stance regarding states' rights.

Oh, and liberals wouldn't change a light bulb.  It might offend the blind.


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## KarlMarx

Gabriella84 said:
			
		

> Liberals are not too hung up to laugh at ourselves and our failings. Conservatives merely believe they have no failings.



That, by itself, is the best joke of the bunch!


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## KarlMarx

Gabriella84 said:
			
		

> Liberals are not too hung up to laugh at ourselves and our failings. Conservatives merely believe they have no failings.


It never ceases to amaze me how you liberals view yourself as being so much better than anyone else. You never hesitate to credit yourselves with the most positive of attributes even when it is obvious that you don't have them....

You label yourselves progressive, yet fight tooth and nail to preserve the status quo, even when there is irrefutable evidence that the policies that you embrace are ineffective and sometimes disasterous (sex education in schools, abortion, the minimum wage, the list goes on and on).

You claim that the Right tries to forces its point of view on everyone else. Then, you force yours down everyone else's throats. You invent solutions when there isn't a problem. Gay marriage is one of those invented problems, for instance. I don't recall it being a problem at all until a Massachussetts court made it one several years ago, now it's a civil rights issue.

You claim that you are tolerant and all embracing, yet you don't hesitate for a second to brand those who disagree with you in the most vitriolic of terms. You don't hesitate to call Catholics, Evangelicals, Orthodox Jews, Conservatives and other groups names that, in any other context would be labelled racist, homophobic, misogynist, sexist, hate mongering.

You fancy yourselves as enlightened, educated and having more wisdom and knowledge than the rest of us. But even the most cursory investigation of your logic would show what a house of cards your  thinking rests on. It's almost as if you hadn't read a single book on economics, history or any book at all.

You pride yourselves as being free thinkers, yet you don't tolerate any dissent of opinion from within your own ranks and definitely from the "other side".....

The capability of denial and self delusion amongst liberals just amazes me.....


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## Annie

KarlMarx said:
			
		

> It never ceases to amaze me how you liberals view yourself as being so much better than anyone else. You never hesitate to credit yourselves with the most positive of attributes even when it is obvious that you don't have them....
> 
> You label yourselves progressive, yet fight tooth and nail to preserve the status quo, even when there is irrefutable evidence that the policies that you embrace are ineffective and sometimes disasterous (sex education in schools, abortion, the minimum wage, the list goes on and on).
> 
> You claim that the Right tries to forces its point of view on everyone else. Then, you force yours down everyone else's throats. You invent solutions when there isn't a problem. Gay marriage is one of those invented problems, for instance. I don't recall it being a problem at all until a Massachussetts court made it one several years ago, now it's a civil rights issue.
> 
> You claim that you are tolerant and all embracing, yet you don't hesitate for a second to brand those who disagree with you in the most vitriolic of terms. You don't hesitate to call Catholics, Evangelicals, Orthodox Jews, Conservatives and other groups names that, in any other context would be labelled racist, homophobic, misogynist, sexist, hate mongering.
> 
> You fancy yourselves as enlightened, educated and having more wisdom and knowledge than the rest of us. But even the most cursory investigation of your logic would show what a house of cards your  thinking rests on. It's almost as if you hadn't read a single book on economics, history or any book at all.
> 
> You pride yourselves as being free thinkers, yet you don't tolerate any dissent of opinion from within your own ranks and definitely from the "other side".....
> 
> The capability of denial and self delusion amongst liberals just amazes me.....



  Best response I've seen! I couldn't rep, but thought I'd say this...


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## Merlin1047

You could have stopped with the title line "liberal jokes".

That pretty much says it all.


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## Gabriella84

Jokes are jokes, intended to be humorous. Unfortunately, most conservative Republicans have a skewered sense of humor. This is why jokes about Clinton are "funny" and jokes about Bush are not. 
And to think I didn't even get around to the "jokes" about Reagan being the nation's first vegetable president.


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## Shattered

Gabriella84 said:
			
		

> Jokes are jokes, intended to be humorous. Unfortunately, most conservative Republicans have a skewered sense of humor. This is why jokes about Clinton are "funny" and jokes about Bush are not.
> *And to think I didn't even get around to the "jokes" about Reagan being the nation's first vegetable president.*



 :fu2:


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## Gabriella84

You need to become more warped.


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## Stephanie

KarlMarx said:
			
		

> It never ceases to amaze me how you liberals view yourself as being so much better than anyone else. You never hesitate to credit yourselves with the most positive of attributes even when it is obvious that you don't have them....
> 
> You label yourselves progressive, yet fight tooth and nail to preserve the status quo, even when there is irrefutable evidence that the policies that you embrace are ineffective and sometimes disasterous (sex education in schools, abortion, the minimum wage, the list goes on and on).
> 
> You claim that the Right tries to forces its point of view on everyone else. Then, you force yours down everyone else's throats. You invent solutions when there isn't a problem. Gay marriage is one of those invented problems, for instance. I don't recall it being a problem at all until a Massachussetts court made it one several years ago, now it's a civil rights issue.
> 
> You claim that you are tolerant and all embracing, yet you don't hesitate for a second to brand those who disagree with you in the most vitriolic of terms. You don't hesitate to call Catholics, Evangelicals, Orthodox Jews, Conservatives and other groups names that, in any other context would be labelled racist, homophobic, misogynist, sexist, hate mongering.
> 
> You fancy yourselves as enlightened, educated and having more wisdom and knowledge than the rest of us. But even the most cursory investigation of your logic would show what a house of cards your  thinking rests on. It's almost as if you hadn't read a single book on economics, history or any book at all.
> 
> You pride yourselves as being free thinkers, yet you don't tolerate any dissent of opinion from within your own ranks and definitely from the "other side".....
> 
> The capability of denial and self delusion amongst liberals just amazes me.....


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## Stephanie

Gabriella84 said:
			
		

> You need to become more warped.



Are warped enought for all of us on this board!!!!!!!! Can't you go away already??


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## Adam's Apple

Gabriella84 said:
			
		

> Liberals are not too hung up to laugh at ourselves and our failings.



I'll bet you liberals have just been laughing yourselves to death recently over Howard "The Mouth" Dean.  

And what about all the faked stories the MSM has been printing lately to make the Bush Administration look bad?  For you folks, I am sure there is nothing better for a good laugh than trying to pull a fast one on those you believe to be your intellectual inferiors.


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## Adam's Apple

Stephanie said:
			
		

> Are warped enought for all of us on this board!!!!!!!! Can't you go away already??


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## Hobbit

Gabriella84 said:
			
		

> Jokes are jokes, intended to be humorous. Unfortunately, most conservative Republicans have a skewered sense of humor. This is why jokes about Clinton are "funny" and jokes about Bush are not.
> And to think I didn't even get around to the "jokes" about Reagan being the nation's first vegetable president.



No, there's jokes and then there's offensive jokes.

Jokes playing on Bush's last name (like your sig) are funny.  Jokes about conservative stances are funny.  Jokes about all kinds of things are funny, but let's look at yours.



> Since you are all so open minded  , I thought you might enjoy reading some liberal "jokes."



First off, this is a pointed post, as even the intro tells us you're looking for an excuse to call us closed-minded, now on to the "jokes."



> What is the difference between Monica Lewinsky and Tony Blair?
> 
> Blair didn't keep the dress.



This is a play off the popular belief that Tony Blair is in Bush's pocket.  However, moving that over into the realm of homosexual oral sex makes this joke a "dirty joke," and not appropriate in mixed company, if at all.



> What the first thing Nixon said to Reagan when they met in The Great Beyond?
> 
> "How come you got away with it and I didn't?"



This is probably the worst of the bunch.  Reagan was a great president, and while I think all politicians suffer a little corruption, it wasn't anywhere near the level of Nixon.  It's just typical of liberal attitudes that if a conservative wins, it must be due to corruption.  No, it's because Reagan was a good president and Carter was a terrible one.  This is about the equivalent of telling a similar joke about Roosevelt.



> Why is there such a difference in opinion regarding Clinton and Bush?
> 
> It's OK to be a big dick as long as you don't use it



This one's just stupid and isn't even inherantly funny even when you get past the part about calling the President of the united states a phallus.

Your entire post was to give you an excuse for your soapboxing about how intolerant we mean conservatives are.  Tell yourself what you want to help you sleep at night, but you're still nothing but a worthless troll.


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## no1tovote4

Gabriella84 said:
			
		

> Jokes are jokes, intended to be humorous. Unfortunately, most conservative Republicans have a skewered sense of humor. This is why jokes about Clinton are "funny" and jokes about Bush are not.
> And to think I didn't even get around to the "jokes" about Reagan being the nation's first vegetable president.




Now that's just disingenuous.  If this were true then Jay Leno would be out of business.  The difference lies in the actual humor content of the joke.  Most of these were pretty terrible.  The Tony Blair joke appeared to be the best of the bunch and it was only worth a Mona-Lisa smile and a chuckle, Jokes about Reagan are okay but a comparison to Nixon is just sad.


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## KarlMarx

Gabriella84 said:
			
		

> Jokes are jokes, intended to be humorous. Unfortunately, most conservative Republicans have a skewered sense of humor. This is why jokes about Clinton are "funny" and jokes about Bush are not.
> And to think I didn't even get around to the "jokes" about Reagan being the nation's first vegetable president.


That's rich.... considering that he accomplished more than his predecessor, Mr Peanut,and that walking hardon that you lefties worship so much...... COMBINED


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## Avatar4321

Gabriella84 said:
			
		

> Jokes are jokes, intended to be humorous. Unfortunately, most conservative Republicans have a skewered sense of humor. This is why jokes about Clinton are "funny" and jokes about Bush are not.
> And to think I didn't even get around to the "jokes" about Reagan being the nation's first vegetable president.



You need to understand. Jokes that are funny tend to be based on reality. Liberal jokes tend not to be based on reality, but on hate. Thats why when President Bush makes fun of himself its so funny. Because liberals are really dumb enough to believe it.


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## Avatar4321

KarlMarx said:
			
		

> That's rich.... considering that he accomplished more than his predecessor, Mr Peanut,and that walking hardon that you lefties worship so much...... COMBINED



And he did that sleeping through meetings


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## Gabriella84

It's difficult to compare anyone to Jimmy Carter, who ranks among the most worthless presidents in the history of the country. Carter did stupid things because he was genuinely stupid. That is why Reagan's "arms for hostages" dupe worked so well.
Reagan thought he was John Wayne, the Duke of Washington. Everything succeeds through force. A model that GW Bush has followed. 
At least Cowboy Ronnie produced a bit of history in his second term. He gave the country its first female president, Nancy Reagan.


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## KarlMarx

Gabriella84 said:
			
		

> It's difficult to compare anyone to Jimmy Carter, who ranks among the most worthless presidents in the history of the country.


No, it's not... just watch me....

Jimmy Carter - worst president of the 20th century
vs.
Ronald Reagan - best president of the 20th century

Result of Carter Foreign Policy - Russians invaded Afghanistan
vs
Result of Reagan Foreign Policy - Collapse of the Soviet Empire

Result of Carter Economic Policy - Inflation at 18%, gas prices up and gas shortages
vs
Result of Reagan Economic Policy - Inflation below 6%, gas prices down, gas surpluses and the economic boom of the 1980s


there, that wasn't difficult at all!


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## Hobbit

Gabriella84 said:
			
		

> It's difficult to compare anyone to Jimmy Carter, who ranks among the most worthless presidents in the history of the country. Carter did stupid things because he was genuinely stupid. That is why Reagan's "arms for hostages" dupe worked so well.
> Reagan thought he was John Wayne, the Duke of Washington. Everything succeeds through force. A model that GW Bush has followed.
> At least Cowboy Ronnie produced a bit of history in his second term. He gave the country its first female president, Nancy Reagan.




My God...just...wow.  The hate and ignorance in this post is overwhelming.

Anyway, my only reply is that Reagan's force policy obviously worked, since the Iranian hostages were released as soon as he was inaugerated because they knew he'd use force.


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## Gabriella84

> Anyway, my only reply is that Reagan's force policy obviously worked, since the Iranian hostages were released as soon as he was inaugerated because they knew he'd use force.



The hostages were released because of the arms-for-hostages deal that Reagan had broker prior to his inauguration.


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## 5stringJeff

Please note that this is the _*HUMOR*_ section, in which we tell jokes, not discuss presidential foriegn policy.


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## Gabriella84

Reagan's presidency WAS a joke. Which is why I have posted about it here.


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## no1tovote4

Gabriella84 said:
			
		

> There is nothing wrong with the American government that a good Brazilian Wax won't cure.



Your sig is about the funniest thing posted on this thread so far.

Oh that will happen, in about three years....  He won't be running in the next election.  You will have a whole new President to begin to harangue...


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## Gabriella84

> You will have a whole new President to begin to harangue...



Or else you will. One or the other.


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## KarlMarx

Gabriella84 said:
			
		

> Reagan's presidency WAS a joke. Which is why I have posted about it here.


What do you expect from who watched Pee-Wee's PlayHouse, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Sesame Street? And that's just while she was in college.....


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## fuzzykitten99

Gabriella84 said:
			
		

> Since you are all so open minded :2guns: , I thought you might enjoy reading some liberal "jokes."
> You are allowed to laugh if you wish. I won't inform Homeland Security.  :blah2:
> 
> 
> What is the difference between Monica Lewinsky and Tony Blair?
> 
> Blair didn't keep the dress.
> 
> :scratch:
> 
> What the first thing Nixon said to Reagan when they met in The Great Beyond?
> 
> "How come you got away with it and I didn't?"
> 
> 
> 
> Why is there such a difference in opinion regarding Clinton and Bush?
> 
> It's OK to be a big dick as long as you don't use it




these were supposed to be funny? in the words of mr garrison of South Park "Wrong! Try again dumbass!"


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## Gabriella84

> these were supposed to be funny? in the words of mr garrison of South Park "Wrong! Try again dumbass!"



Strong words from an alleged adult who is still excited about Harry Potter.  :baby:


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## Hobbit

Gabriella84 said:
			
		

> Strong words from an alleged adult who is still excited about Harry Potter.  :baby:



I'll have you know that Harry Potter, while technically for children, is well written and enjoyable.  They're good novels for people of all ages.  It's like the Chronicles of Narnia.  They're targetted at a younger audience, but enjoyable for all ages.

Your jokes, however, are only enjoyable if you're hateful towards Republicans AND childish.


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## Shattered

Hobbit said:
			
		

> I'll have you know that Harry Potter, while technically for children, is well written and enjoyable.  They're good novels for people of all ages.  It's like the Chronicles of Narnia.  They're targetted at a younger audience, but enjoyable for all ages.
> 
> Your jokes, however, are only enjoyable if you're hateful towards Republicans AND childish.



She's just mad that she can't pronounce any of the big words, and nobody will read it to her.


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## 5stringJeff

Gabriella84 said:
			
		

> Strong words from an alleged adult who is still excited about Harry Potter.  :baby:


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