# Totally Tasteless Jokes, One Liners, Quips, and Other Assorted Sundries



## BorisTheAnimal

OK gang, the idea is simple.  Post your totally tasteless jokes, one liners, quips, and other assorted goodies here.



OK, I'll be the first.  There was a man who was dumb as a sack of gravel who thought "innuendo" was Italian for Preparation H.


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## Billo_Really

*Why do they make aspirin white?*

_So it'll work!_


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## Billo_Really

*What's the difference between a Porche and a Mercedes?*

_Lady Di wouldn't be caught dead in a Porche._


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## Billo_Really

*Did you hear about the new gay sitcom?*

_Leave it, it's beaver!_


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## yidnar

a midget is suing the city of New York for building a sidewalk to close to his ass .


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## BorisTheAnimal

loinboy said:


> *what's the difference between a porche and a mercedes?*
> 
> _lady di wouldn't be caught dead in a porche._



booooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Billo_Really

BorisTheAnimal said:


> booooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


*Why do gay guys use ribbed condoms?*

_Better traction in the mud!_


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## BorisTheAnimal

Count Dracula decided to go to New York City for a vacation.  One night he decided he wanted Italian for dinner so here he is hanging off the Brooklyn Bridge.  A short, dumpy Guido goes walking by and Dracula siphons him and throws him over.  No splash.  Next day, same bridge, another Guido goes by and he's siphoned, thrown over, no splash.  Now Dracula is beginning to get curious.  Next day, same bridge, another Guido walks by and Dracula siphons him.  This time when he throws him over, he peers over the side of the bridge and sees this well-fed alligator in the Hudson river rubbing his belly and singing "Drained Wops keep falling on my head."


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## BorisTheAnimal

You hear about these new tires that Borelli introduced?  First, Dago t'rough da snow. Den, Dago t'rough da mud.  And when Dago flat, Dago wop, wop, wop, wop, wop.


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## idb

The dyslexic junkie that thought he was buying LSD but ended up with faster broadband.


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## BorisTheAnimal

loinboy said:


> BorisTheAnimal said:
> 
> 
> 
> booooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> 
> 
> *Why do gay guys use ribbed condoms?*
> 
> _Better traction in the mud!_
Click to expand...


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## Billo_Really

When Mother Theresa died and got to the Pearly Gates, she was stopped by St Peter.  

He told her,_ "Before I let you in, I need to ask you a few questions."  

_As he was saying this, Mother Theresa looks over his shoulder and sees Lady Di. 

 She exclaims to Peter, _"Why am I out here answering questions after everything I've done in my life and Lady Di is already inside with a halo on her head?"_

Peter looks over his shoulder, then turns to Mother Theresa and say's, _"That ain't a halo, it's a steering wheel!"_


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## BorisTheAnimal

loinboy said:


> when mother theresa died and got to the pearly gates, she was stopped by st peter.
> 
> He told her,_ "before i let you in, i need to ask you a few questions."
> 
> _as he was saying this, mother theresa looks over his shoulder and sees lady di.
> 
> She exclaims to peter, _"why am i out here answering questions after everything i've done in my life and lady di is already inside with a halo on her head?"_
> 
> peter looks over his shoulder, then turns to mother theresa and say's, _"that ain't a halo, it's a steering wheel!"_



yikes!!!!!!


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## Billo_Really

idb said:


> The dyslexic junkie that thought he was buying LSD but ended up with faster broadband.


*Why did the dyslexic cross the road?*

_To side to the other get to the!_


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## Billo_Really

*Why do women fake orgasms?*

_Because they think we care!_


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## BorisTheAnimal

loinboy said:


> idb said:
> 
> 
> 
> The dyslexic junkie that thought he was buying LSD but ended up with faster broadband.
> 
> 
> 
> *Why did the dyslexic cross the road?*
> 
> _To side to the other get to the!_
Click to expand...


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## Pop23

I found a 50 cent piece as I was walking to work today.

Had to go all the way home to get some cash.


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## Billo_Really

*What's 12 inches long and makes a woman scream in the morning?*

_Crib death!_


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## BorisTheAnimal

Say, what's s sure way to piss off an Irish dude??





Britain Rules!


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## BorisTheAnimal

What kind of "file" makes a hole go from this:


o


to this:


O


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## Pop23

A sailor got his first shore leave in over a year and was ready for a women.

He went to the first whorehouse he could find and asked the madam for the wildest time she had. Money was no option

She pointed down the hall, said door number 5, but it would cost him $1,000,

He paid the lady, walked down the door and walked into the room only to find a 65 year old, fat and ugly hooker.

Ok he said, this is supposed to be wild. What you got old woman?

She took a fake eye out grabbed him and placed his member into her eye socket.

15 minutes later the young sailor was exhausted by, what was the best sex he had ever experienced.

He pulled away and told the old women that the next time he came to town he'd be back.

OK, she responded *I'LL KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR YOU SONNY*


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## Pop23

How do you make a hormone?

*Don't pay her*


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## HomeInspect

White did the Italian girl say while being raped in a rented car ??

It's a Hertz, It's a Hertz !


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## HomeInspect

A group of Lesbians and group of Gay guys leave for the beach at the same time. Who gets there first?

Too tough to call,  cause the Lesbos get there lickety split, but the guys packed their shit the night before.


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## yidnar

a Polack walks into a bar with a hand full of shit and yells .....hey everybody look what I almost stepped in !!


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## BorisTheAnimal

BorisTheAnimal said:


> What kind of "file" makes a hole go from this:
> 
> 
> o
> 
> 
> to this:
> 
> 
> O



A pedo*phile*


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## BorisTheAnimal

Why are New Yorkers some of the fastest readers on the planet?




They can do 110 stories in 5 seconds.


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## BorisTheAnimal

What kind of pizza did the people on the 85th floor of the North Tower order for lunch?




Two large plains.


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## Noomi

^lol


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## Mertex

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother".


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## Bonzi




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## Bonzi

I could live in here... but it's Sunday.......


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## TheProgressivePatriot

Have you heard about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac who was up all night wondering if there is a DOG?


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## idb

I blame Subway! ................... The kids had a better chance of outrunning Jared Fogle when he was fat


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## Bonzi




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## Bonzi




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## idb

Apparently Kate had asked the Queen what the secret was to a long and happy marriage in the Royal family. 
 The Queen replied "Always wear your seatbelt, and never piss me off..."




I can't help but think that Will and Kate have missed a trick with naming their new daughter. 
Elizabeth Paris Mercedes would have been a nice blend of modern and historical while also being the Cluedo answer for "what happened to Granny"?


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## Bonzi




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## idb

Q - What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? 
A - Halfway.


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## idb

During his sentencing, Rolf Harris has said he will be happy with anything under 10 years.


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## BorisTheAnimal

OK, you heard about the Burger King being married to the Dairy Queen.  They had two kids, Prince Ronald and Princess Wendy.  They all lived in a White Castle and had a dog named Sonic and cat named checkers.  Their military adviser was Col. Sanders.

Now, how did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant?  Simple. He forgot to wrap his Whopper.


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## Moonglow

That joke is so 1970's


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## BorisTheAnimal

Still funny


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## Moonglow

BorisTheAnimal said:


> Still funny


Yeah it just as old as my grandma's corns and just as funny..


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## The Sage of Main Street

Heard as the fake trial was winding down, and I mean down:
"What's the difference between OJ and Christopher Reeves?"
" OJ's gonna walk."


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## BorisTheAnimal

What do you call an epileptic midget pizza maker?



Little Siezures


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## Votto

I talked to a to a homeless man 
this morning and asked him how he 
ended up this way. 

He said, "Up until last month, I still had it all. I had 
plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a 
roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the 
gym, the pool, and the library. 

I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. 

I even had full medical coverage.  Not only that, I had as much sex as I wanted with as many partners as I wanted. 

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? 
Alcohol? Divorce?" 

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. 

"No, no.... I was paroled."


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## deanrd

Grandma Addams asks Wednesday and Pugsley if they think having a baby means one of the older children has to die.

Both say yes.

Grandma says, "Oh children, that's just not true.  Not anymore".


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## Votto

*Abortion jokes*



Why did the fetus cross the road?

Because the abortion clinic moved the dumpster.




Knock, knock.

Who's there?

You will never know.



A fetus wakes up one morning only to realize he's in the process of being aborted. The fetus looks at the doctor and asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The doctor turns to the patient and says, "Don't worry, not all of them are this stupid."



A fetus walks into a bar and orders a scotch.
The bartender says, "how are you going to pay for that?"
"Hold on. it's coming. " A minute later the fetus's kidney arrives with his wallet.


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## Billo_Really

*What's the difference between a black guy and a pizza?*

_A pizza can feed a family of 4._


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## Bonzi




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## monkrules

A midget walked into a bar and kissed every guy in the joint...


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## monkrules

Confucious say:

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.


—Redd Foxx


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