# Ahh, the irish!...



## froggy (Mar 15, 2011)

A Utah Mormon was seated next to an Irish Catholic on a flight back to States from London. 

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey and a glass of Guinness, which was promptly brought and placed before him. 

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He said in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." 


The Irishman then handed his drinks back to the attendant and said,"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice".


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## Valerie (Mar 16, 2011)

*An Irish man shows up in a pub one day and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes sips from each glass until they are empty and calls the bartender for three more. The bartender says, &#8216;Sure it&#8217;s up to yourself, but wouldn&#8217;t you rather I was bringing them one at a time? Then they&#8217;ll be fresh and cold.&#8217;
&#8216;Nah&#8230;&#8217; your man says, &#8216; I&#8217;m preferrin&#8217; that ye bring &#8216;em three at a time. You see, me and me two brothers would meet at a pub and drink and have good times. Now one is in Australia, the other in Canada and I&#8217;m here. We agreed before we split up that we&#8217;d drink to each other&#8217;s honour this way.&#8217;

&#8216;Well,&#8217; says the bartender, &#8216;that&#8217;s a grand thing to do, all right. I&#8217;ll bring the pints as you ask.&#8217;

Well, time goes on and your man&#8217;s peculiar habit is known and accepted by all the pub regulars. One day though, he comes in and orders only two pints. A hush falls over the pub. Naturally, everyone figures something happened to one of the brothers. A group of the regulars corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find out what happened. With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two pints and says, &#8216;Here&#8217;s your pints&#8230; and let me offer my sincerest condolences. What happened?&#8217;

The Irish man looks extremely puzzled for a moment, and then starts laughing.

&#8216;Oh, no, no, no! &#8216;Tis nothing like that. You see, I&#8217;ve given up drinking for Lent&#8230;&#8217;*


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## Valerie (Mar 16, 2011)

*An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. Each orders a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and land one, two, three in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another 

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, grabs the fly between his fingers and shakes him as hard as he can, shouting Spit it out, ya bloody bastard! Spit it out! *


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## Valerie (Mar 16, 2011)




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## Valerie (Mar 16, 2011)




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## Valerie (Mar 16, 2011)




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## Blagger (Mar 16, 2011)

Paddy asks Murphy, 'why do scuba divers fall off their boat backwards?' To which Murphy replies: 'You thick twat, Paddy. If they fell forwards they'd still be on the boat'.


Paddy and Murphy miss the last bus home and decide to walk.They reach the bus depot and Paddy says: 'We'll steal a bus and drive it home'. He sends Murphy to steal a bus while he stands guard. After twenty minutes there's no sign of Murphy, so he shouts to Murphy,'what's going on?'. Murphy replies: 'I can't find a number 7'. Paddy replies: 'Well get a number nine and we'll walk from the roundabout.'


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## Valerie (Mar 16, 2011)

*Sea of Guinness






Lost at Sea, two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning fishing boat. While stumbling through the boats provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean turn into Guinness! The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke. "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat." *


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## Momanohedhunter (Mar 16, 2011)

froggy said:


> A Utah Mormon was seated next to an Irish Catholic on a flight back to States from London.
> 
> After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
> 
> ...




God invented whiskey so the Irish wouldn't rule the world.


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## Valerie (Mar 16, 2011)

Momanohedhunter said:


> God invented whiskey so the Irish wouldn't rule the world.


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## Valerie (Mar 16, 2011)




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## Valerie (Mar 16, 2011)

*The three elderly Gallagher sisters go everywhere together and they are all hard of hearing. 

One windy Spring day as they are walking down the streets of Dublin&#8230;


Mary Elizabeth says, "Whew, it is sure windy today."

Molly replies, "No, no. Today is Thursday."

Kathleen says, "So am I. Let's find a bar!*


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## Valerie (Mar 16, 2011)




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## Valerie (Mar 16, 2011)




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## FuelRod (Mar 16, 2011)

I'm not above using obscure ethnic holidays to justify my drinking.


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## Valerie (Mar 16, 2011)

FuelRod said:


> I'm not above using obscure ethnic holidays to justify my drinking.





 



Nothing wrong with good cheer!


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## Valerie (Mar 16, 2011)




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## Valerie (Mar 16, 2011)




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## Valerie (Mar 16, 2011)




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## Valerie (Mar 16, 2011)




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## Valerie (Mar 16, 2011)




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## Valerie (Mar 16, 2011)




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## kwc57 (Mar 17, 2011)

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'


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## kwc57 (Mar 17, 2011)

An Irish priest is driving down to  New York  and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .   The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. 

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'


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## Valerie (Mar 17, 2011)

kwc57 said:


> Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
> 
> Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
> 
> Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'






  Top o' the mornin' to ya!


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## froggy (Mar 17, 2011)




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## kwc57 (Mar 17, 2011)

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. 

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. 

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. 

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. 

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


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## froggy (Mar 17, 2011)

Round The Bend 
A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!' 

Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.


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## Valerie (Mar 17, 2011)




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## froggy (Mar 17, 2011)

A man walks into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat. He goes up the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat."
The unlikely trio find a table, sit down and drink their drinks. Next, it's the ostrich's round. He walks up to the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat." Then the ostrich takes the drinks back to the table and they drink them. When it comes to the cat's turn to buy a round, he simply tells his pals to "Sod off!" 
So the man goes back to the bar and asks for another two beers and a whisky. 
Impressed at his generosity, the barman says: "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why do you hang out with him?"
The man replies: "I once helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish, which landed me with the cat and the ostrich forever."
"What did you wish for?" enquires the barman. 

"A long-legged bird with a tight"


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## Valerie (Mar 17, 2011)

Irish porn:


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## Valerie (Mar 17, 2011)




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## Valerie (Mar 17, 2011)




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## FuelRod (Mar 17, 2011)

Valerie said:


> Irish porn:



Really a potato?  Not a bottle of whiskey?


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## Valerie (Mar 17, 2011)

FuelRod said:


> Valerie said:
> 
> 
> > Irish porn:
> ...






  That too!


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## Valerie (Mar 17, 2011)




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## Valerie (Mar 17, 2011)




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## FuelRod (Mar 17, 2011)

Is it me or does he look like Elmer Fudd?


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## Valerie (Mar 17, 2011)

FuelRod said:


> Is it me or does he look like Elmer Fudd?






  He does!


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## Valerie (Mar 17, 2011)




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## Valerie (Mar 17, 2011)




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## Valerie (Mar 17, 2011)




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## kwc57 (Mar 18, 2011)

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell over with shock when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life, before.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I knew that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's Hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, father, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."


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## waltky (Mar 18, 2011)

Uncle Ferd painted possum's belly-button green fer him...

... fer St. Patrick's Day...

... so's he could feel like he's Irish...

... an' go about as O'possum.


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