# After years of my parents taking care of me....



## tycho1572 (Jan 4, 2020)

.... I’m now taking care of my dad. 

I’m just now starting to experience the time involved with taking care of a parent. Has anyone here been in this position?

I’m lucky to work at a place that offers support and resources. There’s a lot I need to learn in short period of time.
For instance... I recently learned that a stairlift will cost ~$12,000. I’m hoping to have it installed before he gets home next week.

I’m gonna be busier than usual for an undetermined amount of time.


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## tycho1572 (Jan 4, 2020)

I’m also fortunate to have friends that can help. 
One is a neighbor who is the wife of a doctor and nursing administrator at a VA hospital. Another neighbor who has been helping is my old folklore and mythology teacher from HS.


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## Tijn Von Ingersleben (Jan 4, 2020)

God Bless You.


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## DrLove (Jan 4, 2020)

Long story short - Around 15 years ago I flew down to SoCal to take care of my Dad at age 80 after he had quadruple bypass surgery. He had this little bell by his bed that he rang about every 5 minutes when he needed something. By the time flew home three weeks later I was literally fried with stress. 

A few years later my siblings and I had to put him in assisted living. Early onset Alzheimers had him playing foreign lotteries and ordering butt-tons of crap because scammers had him believing that the more crap he bought, the better his chance of winning. 

It all came to a screeching halt when the bank called my sis because when for the second day in a row he was pulling out ten grand to take to Western Union and wire to Sri Lanka in order to pay the taxes on a foreign lottery he just "won" before they could send him millions. That was when we had to take over his finances. 

The one piece of advice I might offer is not to take too much of it on yourself. Consider hiring someone to come in a few days a week to cook, clean, and help out your Dad. Medicare may pay for a percentage of that. 

Good luck, and good for you! I just wasn't enough of a saint to permanently offer a home for my Dad. Plus, at the time we just didn't have the space and were sharing a single bathroom among four of us already.


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## JustAnotherNut (Jan 4, 2020)

I have......both my mother & husband. 

Just be sure, no matter how much time & effort you are determined to care for them & their needs...….make sure to make time for yourself & have someone available as back up, so you can get away for atleast a few hours downtime. 
And no matter how good of a relationship you've had with them, taking care of them is very draining on you. Not just physically, but mentally & emotionally as well. It's a very hard job. I wish you the best


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## tycho1572 (Jan 4, 2020)

DrLove said:


> Long story short - Around 15 years ago I flew down to SoCal to take care of my Dad at age 80 after he had quadruple bypass surgery. He had this little bell by his bed that he rang about every 5 minutes when he needed something. By the time flew home three weeks later I was literally fried with stress.
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> A few years later my siblings and I had to put him in assisted living. Early onset Alzheimers had him playing foreign lotteries and ordering butt-tons of crap because scammers had him believing that the more crap he bought, the better his chance of winning.
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Getting help is something I’m working on right now. 
The VA nurse administrator is getting forms together that will provide him help with stuff I’ve been doing. Grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, etc...
I hired a cleaning crew about a year ago.


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## bluzman61 (Jan 4, 2020)

tycho1572 said:


> .... I’m now taking care of my dad.
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> I’m just now starting to experience the time involved with taking care of a parent. Has anyone here been in this position?
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I didn't have to take care of either of my parents, but I did have to take care of my sister for about a year while she battled a pain killer addiction.  She luckily recovered and is doing well now.


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## tycho1572 (Jan 4, 2020)

JustAnotherNut said:


> I have......both my mother & husband.
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> Just be sure, no matter how much time & effort you are determined to care for them & their needs...….make sure to make time for yourself & have someone available as back up, so you can get away for atleast a few hours downtime.
> And no matter how good of a relationship you've had with them, taking care of them is very draining on you. Not just physically, but mentally & emotionally as well. It's a very hard job. I wish you the best


My boss said the same thing. He said I could take time off whenever I needed it.


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## DrLove (Jan 4, 2020)

tycho1572 said:


> DrLove said:
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> > Long story short - Around 15 years ago I flew down to SoCal to take care of my Dad at age 80 after he had quadruple bypass surgery. He had this little bell by his bed that he rang about every 5 minutes when he needed something. By the time flew home three weeks later I was literally fried with stress.
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You're a few steps ahead of where I was 15-20 years ago. Kudos!


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## DrLove (Jan 4, 2020)

tycho1572 said:


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THAT right there is a very cool boss!


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## tycho1572 (Jan 4, 2020)

I


DrLove said:


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He also knows I love being at work.


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## JustAnotherNut (Jan 4, 2020)

tycho1572 said:


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The physical stuff is no biggy…….cooking, cleaning, shopping, bathing, dressing, etc

It's the mental & emotional toll that can do you in. 


Also, while it's still early in the game...…...you need to set a limit of what you will do to care for him, or at what point you're willing to provide care and when you're in over your head & need out and then stick with it. 

Are you prepared to do all of his toileting & bathing, feeding him, staying up all night to watch in case he wanders off, cleaning up whatever kind of messes he makes, etc More than likely he's no where near that far gone now, but do understand that time will come. 

If you think you will care for his every need until the very end......well, I wish you luck, but unless you are a professional and/or a heart of stone, you might reconsider that. Just sayin.


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## DrLove (Jan 4, 2020)

JustAnotherNut said:


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Mostly agree, but every situation is different. If Dad is in reasonably sound mental shape, it may go fairly smoothly.

If not (as mine wasn't his last 6 years) - It can be hell on wheels


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## tycho1572 (Jan 4, 2020)

JustAnotherNut said:


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My parents took care of me for many years. They changed my diapers and taught me invaluable and important lessons about life and stuff like caring about others. 
Are you suggesting I now limit my time for helping him?


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## JustAnotherNut (Jan 4, 2020)

tycho1572 said:


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I fully understand, all of our parents took care of us growing up and it's now come full circle for us to care for them...…..Really there isn't anything I can say one way or another and you will have to learn this one on your own. As I said, I wish you the best of luck. Just keep an open mind to the possibility it may become more than you're prepared for and IF it should come to that, that you can make the decision to do what's in his best interest. 

Then again...…..you may not have to deal with those types of issues. As Dr said, everyone is different.


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## EvilCat Breath (Jan 4, 2020)

I had to take care of my dad.  It was a complete nightmare.  He refused to take his medicine. Would not permit a doctor to touch him.  Wouldn't bathe change his clothes or use a toilet.  No home nurse would come.  He was taken in on a 5150 many times and released.  I was in the process of having him put in a lock down when he walked out the door and I never saw him again.


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## tycho1572 (Jan 4, 2020)

JustAnotherNut said:


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I apologize if I came off as being a bit terse. I really do appreciate the sound advice you shared.


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## tycho1572 (Jan 4, 2020)

Tipsycatlover said:


> I had to take care of my dad.  It was a complete nightmare.  He refused to take his medicine. Would not permit a doctor to touch him.  Wouldn't bathe change his clothes or use a toilet.  No home nurse would come.  He was taken in on a 5150 many times and released.  I was in the process of having him put in a lock down when he walked out the door and I never saw him again.


Wait... what??


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## JustAnotherNut (Jan 4, 2020)

tycho1572 said:


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> > I had to take care of my dad.  It was a complete nightmare.  He refused to take his medicine. Would not permit a doctor to touch him.  Wouldn't bathe change his clothes or use a toilet.  No home nurse would come.  He was taken in on a 5150 many times and released.  I was in the process of having him put in a lock down when he walked out the door and I never saw him again.
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Yeah.....that ^^^

Regardless of whether it's the disease, or just them aging or how they cope with what's happening to them...…….things can get rather bizzare. 

As I said...……..draw your limit line now and hope to God you never have to come to it.


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## tycho1572 (Jan 4, 2020)

JustAnotherNut said:


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I'm hoping things won't get too bad.
The last thing my brother and I want is to put him in nursing home. He's still very mentally sound and alert.

He told me about the nurses taking pictures of his butt to post on the internet. lol


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## skye (Jan 4, 2020)

Tipsycatlover said:


> I had to take care of my dad.  It was a complete nightmare.  He refused to take his medicine. Would not permit a doctor to touch him.  Wouldn't bathe change his clothes or use a toilet.  No home nurse would come.  He was taken in on a 5150 many times and released.  I was in the process of having him put in a lock down when he walked out the door and I never saw him again.




wow Tipsycatlover, that's horrible ....I'm so sorry to hear you had to go through that.


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## skye (Jan 4, 2020)

I personally don't have to take care of anybody who is sick, but if I had to I would do it with no problems.

Because If I was in that situation, I would appreciate to be taken care of also!

Do for others what you would have them do for you.

That's the law of life.


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## JustAnotherNut (Jan 4, 2020)

tycho1572 said:


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I do agree.....keep them home as long as possible. I'm just saying there may come a time when it may be necessary to put them in a nursing home or other type facility for their own good and/or your own. 

As long as he is still sound & alert, it will make it much easier on you. Just don't count on it always being that way.


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## JustAnotherNut (Jan 4, 2020)

skye said:


> I personally don't have to take care of anybody who is sick, but if I had to I would do it with no problems.
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> Because If I was in that situation, I would appreciate to be taken care of also!
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Agreed......to a point. 

After having cared for my mother & husband.....I have decided that once I can not wipe my own butt or feed myself or I don't know who my family are...…...I will go to a nursing home cause I don't want my kids going thru that again or for me to be a burden on them.


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## skye (Jan 4, 2020)

JustAnotherNut said:


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Yes, I understand what you are saying.

If we/they/whoever it is ....happen to need a more specific kind of medical help, which requires being hospitalized I totally agree with you.

Until that time, I am prepared to help.


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## EvilCat Breath (Jan 4, 2020)

skye said:


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> > I had to take care of my dad.  It was a complete nightmare.  He refused to take his medicine. Would not permit a doctor to touch him.  Wouldn't bathe change his clothes or use a toilet.  No home nurse would come.  He was taken in on a 5150 many times and released.  I was in the process of having him put in a lock down when he walked out the door and I never saw him again.
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Thank you.  He disappeared December 18, 1995.  Just vanished.


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## skye (Jan 4, 2020)

Tipsycatlover said:


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((Sorry to hear.))


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## JustAnotherNut (Jan 4, 2020)

tycho1572 said:


> .... I’m now taking care of my dad.
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> I’m just now starting to experience the time involved with taking care of a parent. Has anyone here been in this position?
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Some other things to consider.....and I don't mean to sound so negative, but it's better to have your ducks in a row now while everything is easy & he's able to have coherent input than to not address the important issues until after he's passed & you & family are an emotional mess. That is not the time to find out he has nothing & you have to pay thousands for_________?? (fill in the blank)

What I call the business end of caregiving......

1. Find out just what his final wishes are....burial, cremation, or donate to science or organ donor.

2. Find out if he has a burial plot or a pre-arranged funeral/cremation with a facility. If not, then start shopping around & get one started. The sooner the better.

3. Find out what kinds or types of insurances he has. Medicare? Supplemental? Life? Long Term Care? Disability? etc. So you know who's paying what bills as they come up AND just what they cover or don't. And yes it does include the Long Term Care----for a nursing home IF & when he needs it, or even having a nurse come to the house either a monthly or weekly visit for checkups, or even full or part time in home care.   

4. Does he have a will? Does he even need one?? If so, get him one

5. Get the paperwork for 'end of life' directions or Advanced Directives, including a DNR--Do Not Resuscitate (meaning no CPR or other measures to bring him back), Living Will (is not the same as Estate Will)--has to do with feeding tubes, oxygen, etc to keep the body alive, Power Of Attorney----both medical & financial---two separate forms that designates someone to make those choices when the patient can't & it can but doesn't have to be the same person in the two forms. Also, they are only legally binding while the patient is alive. Once they've passed the forms are null & void......there may be others but I can't think of them at the moment.

6. Also check with local & state laws regarding any of this 

7. And most important...…...make sure you, he and everyone in the immediate family know exactly what the plan is and all agree. Any disagreements in his eventual care or how his estate is distributed or who makes these decisions should be dealt with now and time to get it worked out. There is nothing worse on a family than to be bickering over the loss of a loved one, who should have done what & when or any inheritance.


I can only imagine you think I'm crazy & it's no where near time for this kind of information...…...but as I said, it's much easier on you, him and the family if it's addressed & taken care of now so everyone knows what to expect and their part in it and not getting caught unaware later. 

And actually it's a good idea to have these things covered when you're young, with periodic updates as needed.


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## deannalw (Jan 4, 2020)

tycho1572 said:


> .... I’m now taking care of my dad.
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> I’m just now starting to experience the time involved with taking care of a parent. Has anyone here been in this position?
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I took care of my momma for some years. I'm a firm believer in taking care of your own. It wasn't always peaches and cream, but I don't regret a moment. 

I wish you and your dad the very best.


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## Ridgerunner (Jan 4, 2020)

tycho1572 your good people... What you are going to do can run into a whole gambit of emotions... As the only offspring of my parents union, I was selected as a committee of One to be caretaker... 20 years ago I took care of my mother for the last 4 months of her life and 15 years ago I took care of my father the last 5 months of his life... Combining the 2 experiences I feel I could write a book... While my journeys with my parents were not all that long both were emotionally draining and rewarding at the same time... I won't go into a litany of stories, but the revelation that I was going to have to place condom catheter's on my 79 year old father caught me completely off guard...

Best of luck... What you are doing is a very honorable...


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## HereWeGoAgain (Jan 5, 2020)

The Wife and I took care of my mother for several years before we had to place her in assisted living.
  It would have gone much easier if my brother hadn't stolen damn near every dime she had.
  She had over 100k in the bank when dementia set in and she asked my brother to manage her money.
  I told her in no uncertain terms that it was a bad idea.
She had put 20k down on a house for him and he was supposed to pay her back. He instead was using her money to make the payments and pay his bills.
  So we then had to take him to court and force him to sell the house and hand the money over to the Wife and I to manage.

   When that ran out it was on us to makeup the difference that her SS didnt cover.

  The battle with my brother went on for years.
Needless to say I dont speak to him anymore.


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## tycho1572 (Jan 12, 2020)

It’s been installed....









That’s a lotta stairs he won’t have to climb.


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## tycho1572 (Jan 12, 2020)

HereWeGoAgain said:


> The Wife and I took care of my mother for several years before we had to place her in assisted living.
> It would have gone much easier if my brother hadn't stolen damn near every dime she had.
> She had over 100k in the bank when dementia set in and she asked my brother to manage her money.
> I told her in no uncertain terms that it was a bad idea.
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I recently had a conversation with my boss about something very similar when he learned I had brother. After asking if I got along with him, he told me about some BS he went through with his sister while making important decisions for his mother.


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## HereWeGoAgain (Jan 12, 2020)

tycho1572 said:


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With my brother it was alcohol related.
It's pretty sad really,he was one of the smartest people I've ever met. Pre Med scholarship to A&M where he promptly flunked out.
    Made six figures plus for most of his adult life....then the alcohol took hold.
  He now lives in a crappy one bedroom apartment,isnt allowed to see his daughter and works a shit job.

  I hate to say it but it's what he deserves.


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## tycho1572 (Jan 12, 2020)

HereWeGoAgain said:


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It’s not uncommon to have a family member unable to help when it’s needed.
My dad was lucky to have two successful sons who earn a good living.


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## HereWeGoAgain (Jan 12, 2020)

tycho1572 said:


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  Had it just been his inability to help I would have understood.
His intentional deceit,theft and refusal to give us her banking info was totally unforgivable. He tried to cover his tracks throughout the whole ordeal.
    He tried to go around me and to plead his case with my Wife...unfortunately for him she hated his guts more than I did. 

    Where he really miscalculated was the fact the Wife worked as a forensic accountant for a family Law Judge she was friends with.
   She had the connections in the court and dug up all his misdeeds.

   The thing that set Her off? He lived in our home for two years rent free all the while lying to us about my Mothers financial situation while he pissed through over 80k of his own money at bars. He had more than enough money at the time to put down a large down payment on a house. Instead he blew it and when that ran out he got my mother to to put down 20k for a house.
   At one point things grew heated between us and I sent his ass to the hospital....who was the first person he called? Our Mother.

      I could go on and on about his shitty behavior but we were in fact part of the problem by enabling him.


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## tycho1572 (Jan 12, 2020)

HereWeGoAgain said:


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Damn... that’s fucked up.


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## tycho1572 (Jan 12, 2020)

My brother and I might be on opposite sides of the political spectrum, but we’re on the same side of looking out for our dad.


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## Coyote (Feb 8, 2020)

tycho1572 said:


> .... I’m now taking care of my dad.
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> I’m just now starting to experience the time involved with taking care of a parent. Has anyone here been in this position?
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It is good you live in an area with good support - that's a huge benefit.  My mom is 86...doing ok, but I am 8 hrs away.  Her community is very good, many services for aging in place.

(((hugs))) to you - do you have siblings to help out?


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## tycho1572 (Feb 8, 2020)

Now that I’m seeing his bills, he agreed to me making a change to his internet and phone service.

He was paying Verizon  $108 per month for phone and DSL at <2mbs. He now has phone and internet at 12mbs for $80 per month via Viasat.
It’s far from ideal, but the only reasonable option in his democrat town.

After many days and hours of dealing with Viasat, I’m glad his ring doorbell is finally working the way it should. The doorbell my democrat brother gifted him last year.


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## Coyote (Feb 8, 2020)

tycho1572 said:


> My brother and I might be on opposite sides of the political spectrum, but we’re on the same side of looking out for our dad.



That helps...having someone who is on the same page makes a big difference.


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## tycho1572 (Feb 8, 2020)

Coyote said:


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He’s been good with answering the phone. I’m tasked with everything that matters.


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## Coyote (Feb 8, 2020)

tycho1572 said:


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Is he out of town?

I admit, the prospect of my mom declining is daunting.  We had a scare several years ago, where she was diagnosed with severe liver failure and that can cause dementia.  At the time we connected with all the area resources, and also looked at assisted living places and became educated on those.  She wanted to have that option so she put a deposit on one.  She recovered, is doing very well now, but I know the time will eventually come.


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## tycho1572 (Feb 8, 2020)

Coyote said:


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Same here. My dad is currently doing good, but I know things will eventually change.

I moved closer to my dad when my brother moved 2hrs away.

You and I share some life lessons, Coyote. I think it’s why I love and respect your opinions.


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## tycho1572 (Feb 8, 2020)

I can see you eventually supporting Trump, Coyote.


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## Coyote (Feb 8, 2020)

tycho1572 said:


> I can see you eventually supporting Trump, Coyote.



In your wildest dreams hon


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## tycho1572 (Feb 8, 2020)

Coyote said:


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lol

It'll happen, princess.


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## tycho1572 (Feb 8, 2020)

Have you ever wondered why I love you, Coyote?


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