# Offensive jokes



## Votto (Aug 7, 2014)

What do you get when you cross a gay eskimo with Barak Obama?


Answer:  A snow blower that does not work.


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## jacobwhite08 (Aug 9, 2014)

aww..


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## Indofred (Aug 9, 2014)

There were two gay dudes in a telephone box trying to ring each other.


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## Indofred (Aug 9, 2014)

An Irish bloke saw a sign and said to his mate, "Hey, Murphy, there's a job here for tree fellers".
"Don't be silly, Paddy" said Murphy, "there's only two of us".


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## Billo_Really (Aug 9, 2014)

*Why do gay guys use ribbed condoms?*

_Better traction in the mud!_


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## Billo_Really (Aug 9, 2014)

*Why do they make aspirin white?*

_So it will work!_


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## Billo_Really (Aug 9, 2014)

*What's 12 inches long and makes a woman scream in the morning?*

_Crib death!_


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## Billo_Really (Aug 9, 2014)

*What do you get when a blonde stands on her hands?*

_A brunette with bad breath._


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## Billo_Really (Aug 9, 2014)

*What's the difference between a Porche and a Mercedes?*

_Lady Di wouldn't be caught dead in a Porche!_


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## Billo_Really (Aug 9, 2014)

*Why do women fake orgasms?*

_Because they think we care!_


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## Geaux4it (Aug 9, 2014)

Ok- This guy stops in at the local pub for a cold one and as he is bellying up to the bar he looks down at the end to see a gorilla. Surprised, he asked why there was a gorilla sitting at the bar. The barkeep responds, 

'he does tricks'

Really? Like what kind of tricks?

The barkeep responds, 

'Here watch.. I'll show you'

So the barkeep walks down to the end of the bar, reaches behind the counter, and comes out swinging







*WHAM goes a baseball bat off the gorillas head*






Promptly the gorilla drops to its knees and begins to smoke the barkeeps pole. Shortly thereafter he quickly composes himself and scampers over to ask the patron what he thought of the gorilla and his gifted tricks?



The patron was indeed amazed and just couldn't believe what he just witnessed. So he says;


'You know, that was pretty impressive. Never seen anything like it.'


The barkeep responds


'Yea, I know. I hear that often. Do you want me to show you the trick again?'



The patron says



'Sure, but just don't hit me so hard'    



-Geaux


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## Delta4Embassy (Aug 9, 2014)

How many religious people does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, but instead of changing it they'll just sit there staring at it hoping for God to make it work again.


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## Votto (Aug 9, 2014)

Abortion jokes.

Knock, knock,
Who's there?
You'll never know.


Why did the fetus cross the road?
Because they move the dumpster.


So a fetus wakes up one morning, only to find out that he is in the process of being aborted and asks the doctor, "What the hell are you doing?"  The doctor then turns to the mother and smiles and says, "Good thing you are aborting such a stupid kid."



How many dead fetus' does it take to heat a hospital?   




President Clinton was presented with an abortion bill in the Oval Office one day and then turns and says, "I though I paid that years ago."


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## Billo_Really (Aug 9, 2014)

Delta4Embassy said:


> How many religious people does it take to change a lightbulb?
> 
> 1, but instead of changing it they'll just sit there staring at it hoping for God to make it work again.


*How many real men does it take to change a light bulb?*

_None.  Real men aren't afraid of the dark!_


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## S.J. (Aug 9, 2014)

I told my friend they were gonna send a woman to the moon.

He said "Why, does it need cleaning"?


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## S.J. (Aug 9, 2014)

I got a chain letter saying that if I don't forward this on - a dead girl will appear in my closet!

Guess who's getting laid tonight?


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## S.J. (Aug 9, 2014)

The secret to a good marriage is having sex at least 3 times a week.

And at least once with your wife...


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## S.J. (Aug 9, 2014)

I treated my wife to some special ribbed condoms tonight.

All she needs now is someone desperate enough to fuck her...


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## S.J. (Aug 9, 2014)

I called my boss today.

"I won't be coming tomorrow," I said, "My grandmother has died."

"That's bullshit," he replied, "You've already used this excuse three times before."

"I know," I answered, "My grandfather was a Muslim."


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## Votto (Aug 9, 2014)

S.J. said:


> I called my boss today.
> 
> "I won't be coming tomorrow," I said, "My grandmother has died."
> 
> ...



How many left wingers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they scurry like roaches at the sight of light.


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## Votto (Aug 9, 2014)

Oh dear, time to drop the Obama's off at the Oval Office again.


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## Coloradomtnman (Aug 9, 2014)

Why was the Amish girl shunned?




Too Mennonite.


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## Geaux4it (Aug 9, 2014)

What a ya call 2 gay guys named Bob












ORAL ROBERTS!


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## Geaux4it (Aug 9, 2014)

Why did the chicken cross the road




















To show the possum it could be done


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## Geaux4it (Aug 9, 2014)

How come chickens don't wear underwear
















Because their peckers are on their face


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## Geaux4it (Aug 9, 2014)

How do you get an Italian woman pregnant? 









You cum in her shoes and let the flies do the rest


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## Indofred (Aug 9, 2014)

How many gays to change a light bulb?

3

One to change it and two to put their hands on their hips and say, "Ooooo, isn't he wonderful".


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## Indofred (Aug 9, 2014)

Why can'r women park cars?

Easy, men always lie about how long 6 inches is.


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## Delta4Embassy (Aug 10, 2014)

A politician needing a boost in their poll numbers hits on a bright idea. At a press conference he announces his plan,

"Ladies and gentlemen, I propose sending the world's first-ever expedition to land on the Sun!"

Stunned silence gives way to a reporter standing up and asking him,

"But Sir, the Sun is a flaming ball of superhot gases."

The politician replies,

"Ah, thought of that. That's why we'll go at night."


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## NoNukes (Aug 10, 2014)

What do you call a woman with two black eyes?

A poor listener.


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## Indofred (Aug 10, 2014)

I've often thought about having a sex change......














From with my wife to with her sister.


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## Indofred (Aug 10, 2014)

Hot dog seller in a restaurant on top of the twin towers.

"Who ordered the two flaming jumbos?"


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## Indofred (Aug 10, 2014)

One for the Brits.

"What's worse than than having Michael Jackson babysit your kids?

Having Ian Huntley bath them."


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## Indofred (Aug 10, 2014)

What's blue and never fits properly?

ANS: A dead epileptic.


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## Indofred (Aug 10, 2014)

A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy are walking through the desert, and they come across a lamp. They rub the lamp, and a genie comes out. He'll give 'em each a wish. Black guy goes first. He wants his people healthy and happy, back in Africa. Genie does it. Mexican guy goes second. He wants his people healthy and happy, back in Mexico. Genie does it. White guy's turn. "So all the ******* and spics are out of the country?" he asks. "Yeah," says the genie. The white guy says, "Well, I guess I'll have a Coke."


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## Indofred (Aug 10, 2014)

Go, just to prove I love humour.....

How do you stop a Muslim drowning?

Take your foot off his head.


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## Indofred (Aug 10, 2014)

And for balance.....

Why did Hitler cry when he went to hell?


The devil gave him his gas bill.


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## Indofred (Aug 10, 2014)

What's the difference between a black guy and a tyre?

Tyres don't sing when you put chains on them.


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## Indofred (Aug 10, 2014)

White guy finds a lamp and rubs it - genie pops out and offers him one wish.
The white guys thinks for a moment then says, "I want to be hung like a buck ******".

Next morning, the KKK are at his door.


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## iamwhatiseem (Aug 10, 2014)

How does a hillbilly mother know when her daughter has had her first period?
When her son has blood stains on his underwear.


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## iamwhatiseem (Aug 10, 2014)

How may people does it take to change a light bulb in a black persons home?
Three Democrats


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## Billo_Really (Aug 10, 2014)

Mother Theresa dies and goes to Heaven.  But she is met by St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Peter says to her, _*"Before I can let you in, I must ask you a few questions first."*_

Mother Theresa looks over Peters shoulder, notices Lady Di is already inside and say's,
_*"St Peter, after everything I've done in my life, why am I out here answering questions, 
when Lady Di is already inside with a halo on her head?"*_

St Peter turns his head, then say's to Mother Theresa,
_*"That's not a halo, it's a steering wheel!"*_


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## Delta4Embassy (Aug 10, 2014)

Mohammed's giving a sermon. Every so often he pauses and his head shakes violently to the side. One of his disciples whispers in his ear, "Mohammed are you okay?" to which he replies, "Yes it's nothing, just a little tick I have."

Hundreds of years later, Muslims imitating everything Mohammed does imitate his tick the best they can...

- Copyright, John Smith


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## Delta4Embassy (Aug 10, 2014)

Jesus is attending a party with some friends. One of them begs him to do the water into wine trick. Jesus says no, but his friend and others plead with him to which he finally relents. Tasting the mriaculous wine, a party guest spits it out in disgust and angrily asks Jesus, "Mon dieu! Who taught you how to make wine?"  

- Copyright, John Smith


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## iamwhatiseem (Aug 10, 2014)

How do most people see Lesbians?
In HD.


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## Delta4Embassy (Aug 10, 2014)

A suicide bombing instructor's giving a lecture on technique. Outdoors and far away from others learning other things. A confused student finally figures it out and excitedly runs up to the instructor shouting "I get it! I get it!" demonstrating proper technique.

-Copyright, John Smith


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## Billo_Really (Aug 10, 2014)

A guy stands up in a bar and yells, _*"All lawyers are assholes!"*_

A second guy jumps up and says, _*"Hey, I resent that!"*_

The first guy goes, _*"Are you a lawyer?"*_

The second guy responds, _*"No, I'm an asshole!"*_


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## Delta4Embassy (Aug 10, 2014)

A moderate politician's giving a speech. A listening hardcore partisan politician's listening but suddenly leaps to his feet, "You're lying!" The moderate responds, "Yes I am, but hear me out!" 

"The West Wing"


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## Indofred (Aug 10, 2014)

Delta4Embassy said:


> Mohammed's giving a sermon. Every so often he pauses and his head shakes violently to the side. One of his disciples whispers in his ear, "Mohammed are you okay?" to which he replies, "Yes it's nothing, just a little tick I have."
> 
> Hundreds of years later, Muslims imitating everything Mohammed does imitate his tick the best they can...
> 
> - Copyright, John Smith



That is utter crap - try this.


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## namvet (Aug 11, 2014)

why does a chicken have so many bones in its neck??

to hold up its pecker


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## dilloduck (Aug 15, 2014)

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."


When you are seventy who gives a damn?


 This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

When you are seventy who gives a damn?


 I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,

"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

When you are seventy who gives a damn?


 I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

When you are seventy who gives a damn?


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## soonerthunder22 (Aug 16, 2014)

Geaux4it said:


> Ok- This guy stops in at the local pub for a cold one and as he is bellying up to the bar he looks down at the end to see a gorilla. Surprised, he asked why there was a gorilla sitting at the bar. The barkeep responds,
> 
> 'he does tricks'
> 
> ...



OK, Navy.  That does it.......step aside and let a second class storekeeper show you how it's done.


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## soonerthunder22 (Aug 16, 2014)

Definitions you won't find in Merriam-Webster:

Hotel-I gave my girlfriend the crabs, and de ho tel everybody.

Catacomb-I saw Don King walkin' around yesterday---Man, somebody need to get that catacomb.

Foreclose- If I pay Alimony today, I got no money left foreclose.

Rectum-I had two cadillacs, but my bitch done rectum both.

Disappointment-My parole officer done tol' me if I miss disappointment , deh gonna send me back to de joint.

( These little ditties were given to me by a black friend of mine.  I'm using them with his permission.)

More to come, later.

O


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## Wyld Kard (Aug 22, 2014)

*Drinking with a Redneck Girl*


A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.  When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. 

He says, "_In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."_

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "_In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either._"

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her.45 and shoots the Mexican and Iraqi.  Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, _"In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice._"


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## Wyld Kard (Aug 22, 2014)

*Ed Zachary Disease*

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had date or any sex in quite some time.  She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.

So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "_Prease, take off all your crose."_

The woman did as she was told.

"_Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room_."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "_OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me_."

So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "_Your problem vewy bad.  You haf Ed Zachary Disease.  Worse case I ever see.  Dat why you not haf sex or dates."_

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "_Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"_

Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied:  "_Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass!!!"

_


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## Wyld Kard (Aug 22, 2014)

Q:  What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A:   One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

Q:   What do call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A:    Full.

Q:    How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A:     Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.


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## Votto (Aug 23, 2014)

Two gerbils walked passed a gay bar and one turned to the other and said, "Want to go in and get shit faced?"


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## Wyld Kard (Aug 23, 2014)

A man walks past girl with no arms or legs sitting by a pool. The girl says to the man, "Excuse me sir, I've never been fucked and in my condition no one would want to fuck me. Will you please fuck me?" So the man kicks her into the pool and says, "There, you're fucked."


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## Solutrean_Hypothesis (Aug 29, 2014)

lol, had forgotten that last one.

ok, so...

What did the vato say when his house fell on him?
"Get off me holmes!"


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## JQPublic1 (Aug 30, 2014)

What did the GEICO GEKKO say to the Progressive Insurance girl, FLO?

STOP CALLING ME!


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## MisterBeale (Nov 17, 2014)

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee.  The Republican looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "Yes!"  So, the Republican requested that she give Jesus
a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back.  He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a
cup of hot tea.  He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot
tea, "My treat."

The third patron, to come into the restaurant, was a Democrat on crutches.
He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey!  How's
about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light!"  He, too, looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer.
"On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed."  The Republican felt the strength come
back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness,
you are healed."  The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, he raised
his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord.

Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat.  The
Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me....... I'm on disability."


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## Abishai100 (Dec 12, 2014)

*Context Gloss*

A college student noticed that his roommate always had dirty finger nails after a night of drinking and suggested to him that he was not a well-coordinated drinker.

The roommate replied, "I do have a problem.  I'm also a voyeur."

The student got antsy about what the roommate's sarcastic or ironic seeming response meant.

He later discovered that the roommate was a practicing witch.

The offensive jokes from here on can go on and on...





Harley Quinn - Wikipedia the free encyclopedia


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