# Obama Jokes



## Ame®icano (Sep 21, 2009)

The Postal Service created a new stamp with a picture of President Obama.

The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged the President who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

*The stamp is in perfect order.

*There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

*People were spitting on the wrong side.


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## Ame®icano (Sep 27, 2009)

Acorn employee and an lawyer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The Acorn employee said, &#8220;I&#8217;m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.&#8221;

&#8220;That&#8217;s quite a coincidence,&#8221; said the lawyer. &#8220;I&#8217;m here because my house and all of my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.&#8221; 

The Acorn employee looked somewhat confused. &#8220;Uhm... How do you start a flood?&#8221;


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## Oddball (Sep 27, 2009)

What's the difference between God and Obammy?

Obammy gets better press.

God doesn't think he's Obammy.

God only gets to be worshipped one day a week.

God only wants 10%.


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## Ame®icano (Sep 28, 2009)

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification.

Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border. 

&#8220;May I see your identification, please?&#8221; asked the agent. 

&#8220;I&#8217;m sorry, but I lost my wallet,&#8221; replied the guy. 

&#8220;Sure buddy, I hear that every day.&#8221;

No ID, no entry,&#8221; said the agent. &#8220;But I can prove I&#8217;m an American!&#8221; he exclaimed.

&#8220;I have a picture of Ronald reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other.&#8221; 

&#8220;This I gotta see,&#8221; replied the agent. 

With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind. 

&#8220;By golly, you&#8217;re right!&#8221; exclaimed the agent. &#8220;Have a safe trip back to Chicago .&#8221; 

&#8220;Thanks!&#8221; he said. &#8220;But how did you know I was from Chicago ?&#8221;

The agent replied, &#8220;I recognized Obama in the middle.&#8221;


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## Ame®icano (Oct 3, 2009)

Late one night in Washington, D.C., a robber jumps a well-dressed man and sticks a gun to his back.

The robber demands, &#8220;Give me your money!&#8221;

The man stiffened, but said indignantly, &#8220;You can&#8217;t do this to me! I&#8217;m a U.S. congressman!&#8221; 

The robber retorts, &#8220;In that case, give me MY money!&#8221;


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## WillowTree (Oct 3, 2009)

Ame®icano;1579023 said:
			
		

> Late one night in Washington, D.C., a robber jumps a well-dressed man and sticks a gun to his back.
> 
> The robber demands, Give me your money!
> 
> ...


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## Ame®icano (Oct 3, 2009)

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7X9wP1zQcQ]YouTube - Ordering pizza in 2010[/ame]


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## Modbert (Oct 3, 2009)

Ame®icano;1579392 said:
			
		

> YouTube - Ordering pizza in 2010



Notice your video mentions the Bush Administration. That video is a couple years ago though I think.


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## Ame®icano (Oct 15, 2009)

A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV. The man looks at the TV and says, &#8220;Obama is a horse&#8217;s butt.&#8221;

Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.

He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.

Shortly afterwards, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, &#8220;She is a horse&#8217;s butt, too!&#8221;

Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.

He gets back up and looks at the bartender, &#8220;I take it this is Obama country?&#8221;

&#8220;Nope.&#8221; replies the bartender. &#8220;Horse country.&#8221;


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## Ame®icano (Oct 15, 2009)

In Honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has issued a new flavor, &#8221; Barocky Road&#8221;.

Barocky Road is a blend of half Vanilla, half Chocolate, and surrounded by Nuts and Flakes.

The Vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.

The Nuts and Flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The Cost is $100.00 per scoop.

When purchased, it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the Ice Cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you.

Thus you are left with an empty wallet, no change, holding an empty cone, with no hope of getting any Ice Cream.

Aren&#8217;t you feeling stimulated?


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## Ame®icano (Oct 15, 2009)

Dear IRS,

Enclosed you will find my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers (valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the &#8220;Presidential Election Fund,&#8221; as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5&#8243; Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5&#8243; Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer


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## Elutherian (Oct 15, 2009)

I got a good one right here...

A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there he notices a bunch of clocks all over the place. He asks Saint Peter: "What's with all the clocks?". St. Peter replies: "They're lie clocks. Every person has one. The hands move depending on how many lies a person tells in their life." The man looks around for a while then asks St. Peter: "Wait, this clock's hands haven't moved at all. Who's is it?" St. Peter answers: "Oh, that's Mother Theresa's clock." "Oh, ok" says the man. He procedes to look around a bit more. He comes upon another clock, the hands have only moved twice. "ok" he asks again, "Who's clock is this one?" "Oh" responds Peter again, "That's George Washington's, he only lied twice in his whole life." "That's amazing!" says the man, "I gotta ask, where's Barack Obama's".

"Oh" responds St. Peter, "That's in Jesus' office, he's using it as a ceiling fan".


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## Ame®icano (Oct 17, 2009)

Back when Barack Obama was a Community Organizer, he was out one night in a cemetery with a group from ACORN. He was showing them how to register voters.

As they were leaving the cemetery, Obama asked if they had gotten all the names. One guy piped up and said, &#8220;No, there were two old, moss-covered tombstones in the back that we could not read.&#8221;

Obama replied, &#8220;Go back and get them. They have as much right to vote as anyone else.&#8221;


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## Big Black Dog (Oct 17, 2009)

Great jokes.  Got me laughing this morning.


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## hvacjones (Oct 17, 2009)

This week, President Bush announced he's launching a new campaign to solve the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians. When asked why, Bush said, 'It's fun to finally be working on a problem that I didn't cause.'" --Conan O'Brien


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## Ame®icano (Oct 17, 2009)

*Cow Politics 101:*

FEUDALISM:
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else&#8217;s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else&#8217;s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM:
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP:
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARISM:
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:
The government promises to give you two cows, if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair &#8220;Cowgate&#8221;.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. You feed them sheeps&#8217; brains and they go mad. The government doesn&#8217;t do anything.

BUREAUCRACY:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

ANARCHY:
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows&#8217; milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM:
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM:
You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS:
You are associated with (the concept of &#8220;ownership&#8221; is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of a non-specified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE:
Wow, dude, there&#8217;s like &#8230; these two cows, man. You&#8217;ve got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

MAFIA DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. You give the milk to gangsters so they don&#8217;t ask any awkward questions about who you&#8217;re giving the milk to.


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## Ame®icano (Oct 17, 2009)

A man, having been turned away at the Pearly Gates, was nonetheless grinning from ear to ear. Upon being asked about his inappropriate demeanor, he explained.

&#8220;Saint Peter said that I was being refused because I knowingly voted for candidates who support abortion, assisted suicide, and embryonic stem cell research. But then I realized, &#8216;Hey! I might be six feet under but, thanks to ACORN, I can continue to vote for those same candidates again, and again, and again&#8230;&#8217;&#8221;


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## Ame®icano (Oct 22, 2009)

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.

&#8220;Hello?&#8221;

&#8220;Mrs. Sanders, please.&#8221;

&#8220;Speaking.&#8221;

&#8220;Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband&#8217;s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband&#8230;

Frankly, either way the results are not too good.&#8221;

&#8220;What do you mean?&#8221; Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

&#8220;Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer&#8217;s and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can&#8217;t tell which is which.&#8221;

&#8220;That&#8217;s dreadful! Can you do the test again?&#8221; questioned Mrs. Sanders.

&#8220;Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time.&#8221;

&#8216;&#8217;Well, what am I supposed to do now? &#8220;

&#8220;The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don&#8217;t sleep with him.&#8221;


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## Ame®icano (Oct 22, 2009)

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush&#8217;s home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, &#8220;Y&#8217;all havin&#8217; some problem with them circle flies?&#8221;

Obama stopped talking and said, &#8220;Well, yes, if that&#8217;s what they&#8217;re called, but I&#8217;ve never heard of circle flies.&#8221;

&#8220;Well Sir,&#8221; the cowboy replies, &#8220;circle flies hang around ranches. They&#8217;re called circle flies because they&#8217;re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.&#8221;

&#8220;Oh,&#8221; Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, &#8220;Wait a minute, are you calling me a horse&#8217;s ass?&#8221;

&#8220;No, Sir,&#8221; the cowboy replies, &#8220;I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse&#8217;s ass.&#8221;

&#8220;That&#8217;s a good thing,&#8221; Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, &#8220;Hard to fool them flies, though.&#8221;


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## Wyld Kard (Sep 9, 2014)

*Three Boys *

Three boys were out hiking one winter day, and heard cries for help coming from the lake. Rushing to see what was the matter, they found Barack Obama who had fallen through some thin ice on a lake and was about to drown. Quickly the boys formed a human chain and pulled him to safety. 

"I'd like to reward you boys with something special for saving me", said Obama. "Just name it, and it's yours!" "I want a ride on Air Force One", said the first boy. "You've got it!", said Obama.

 "I want a medal that I can show the other kids at school", said the second boy. "No problem!", said Obama. 

The third boy thought for a moment, and said "I want a wheelchair". "But why would you want that?", asked Obama. "'Cause when I get home and tell my dad that I saved YOU he's gonna break my effin' legs!".


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## Wyld Kard (Dec 11, 2014)

*Barack Obama -vs- An Intelligent Little Girl*

         Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to Obama, “What would you like to talk about?” “Oh, I don’t know,” said the Obama. “How about What Changes I Should Make To America?” and he smiles. “OK,” she says. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?” Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don’t know shit?”


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## Wyld Kard (Dec 27, 2014)




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## Wyld Kard (Feb 24, 2015)

Q:  Barack Obama is on a sinking ship, who gets saved?

A:  The Country!


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