# hangover jokes



## hangover (Oct 10, 2013)

A woodpecker from Montana flew over to Idaho to check out the bugs and grubs in the trees over there. He lands in a tree and sees this Idaho woodpecker pecking on a tree, and it's having a hell of a time, can't get through it. So he flies over and bores through the tree with no problem, and they have a big old feast of bugs and grubs. Then he flies back to Montana. A week later that Idaho woodpecker flies over to Montana to check out the bugs and grubs in the trees over there. He lands in a tree and sees that same Montana woodpecker pecking on a tree, and he's having a hell of a time, just can't get through it. So he flies over and bores through the tree with no problem, and they have a big old feast of bugs and grubs. And the moral of the story is....The farther away from home you are, the harder your pecker gets.


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## hangover (Oct 10, 2013)

A fish saw a fly flying over the lake, and thought to himself that if that fly dropped down six inches he could jump up and get it. And there was a fisherman on the bank eating a sandwich, that saw the fish, and thought to himself that when that fish jumped he could catch that fish. And there was a mouse that saw the fisherman and thought to himself, that when that fisherman went after the fish, he was going to drop his sandwich, and that mouse was going to get the sandwich. But there was a cat that saw the mouse, and thought to himself that when that mouse went after the sandwich, he was going to get that mouse. Sure enough, the fly dropped down six inches, the fish jumped for the fly, the fisherman dropped his sandwich and went after the fish, the mouse went after the sandwich, and the cat went after the mouse, but missed and fell in the lake! The moral of the story is...When a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet.


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## hangover (Oct 10, 2013)

No one can get down off an elephant. You can only get down off a duck...or a goose.


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## hangover (Oct 10, 2013)

A blonde and a brunette get on an elevator, and a man in a suit gets on in front of them. The brunette notices he has dandruff on his suit and whispers to the blonde, "Someone should give him some Head and Shoulders." The blonde asks, "How do you give shoulders?"


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## hangover (Oct 11, 2013)

Why do elephants have four feet?...Because six inches won't get there.


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## hangover (Oct 11, 2013)

Teacher asks Johnie how many shots would it take to shoot two birds off a fence? Johnie relies, "all you have to do is shoot once in the air and they'd fly away." Teacher says, "Well the answer I was looking for was two, but I like the way you think." Johnie says, " I got one for you teacher. Three women are in an ice cream parlor sharing an ice cream cone. One licks it, one bites it, and the third sucks on it, which one is married?" Teacher replies, "Now Johnie, I know you're going to say the one that sucked on it." Johnie says, "No, it's the one with the ring on her finger, but I like the way you think."


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## hangover (Oct 12, 2013)

A blonde takes her goldfish to the veterinarian. The vet asks what's wrong with it. The blonde says, "I think it has epilepsy." The vet says, "It looks fine to me." The blonde says, "Well look what happens when I take it out of the bow."


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## hangover (Oct 13, 2013)

Jokes for your kids.....

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red? So he could hide in the cherry tree.
Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree? Works good don't it.
How did Tarzan die? Picking cherries.

What do you give an elephant with diarrhea? A lot of room.

What side of a duck has the most feathers? The outside.


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## hangover (Oct 14, 2013)

A hippie walks in a bar and orders a beer. While drinking his beer, he notices an old indian staring at him. Finally the hippie gets tired of it and walks over and says, "Hey old man, why you keep staring at me?" The old indian replies, "Many moons ago, I was in the wilderness, and I was lonely, and I made love to a buffalo......and I think you're my kid!"

I can tell that joke, because I'm part hippie and part Native American. If you can't laugh at yourself, seek help.


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## Billo_Really (Oct 14, 2013)

*Why do they make aspirin white?*

_So it will work!_


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## Billo_Really (Oct 14, 2013)

*Why do women fake orgasms?*

_Because they think we care!_


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## hangover (Oct 14, 2013)

How do bigots start all their jokes? By first looking over both shoulders.


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## hangover (Oct 14, 2013)

Why don't men have very many brains? Because you can't fit many in a head the size of a strawberry.

Why don't women have any brains? Because they don't have a dick to keep them in.


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## hangover (Oct 14, 2013)

A guy takes a blind date out to dinner, and she orders all the most expensive stuff on the menu, king crab, lobster and prime rib. They guy asks her if her parents feed her like that, and she says, "No, but they don't expect a blow job after dinner either."


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## Billo_Really (Oct 14, 2013)

A guy stands up in a bar and yells, _*"All lawyers are assholes!"*_

Another man jumps up and says,_* "Hey, I resent that!"*_

The first man responds, _*"Are you a lawyer?"*_

The second man goes, _*"No, I'm an asshole!"*_


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## Billo_Really (Oct 14, 2013)

*What's the difference between a Porche and a Mercedes?*

_Lady Di wouldn't be caught dead in a Porche!_


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## Billo_Really (Oct 14, 2013)

*What's 12 inches long and makes a woman scream in the morning?*


_Crib death!_


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## hangover (Oct 15, 2013)

Why are pubic hairs curly? So they don't poke you in the eye.

What's the last thing you hear before a pubic hair hits the floor? PFT!


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## hangover (Oct 16, 2013)

What does a West Virginia girl say to keep her virginity? Get off me dad, you're crushing my smokes!

What does a West Virginia boy say to keep his virginity? Get off me dad, your crushing my smokes!


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## Sunshine (Oct 16, 2013)

A hangover is no joke.


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## hangover (Oct 16, 2013)

Sunshine said:


> A hangover is no joke.



Have another Tequila.


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## hangover (Oct 16, 2013)

Jim Bob and Mary Jane were boinking, when Mary Jane said," Wow! You screw just like daddy!" Jim Bob replied," Yeah, that's what ma says too."


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## hangover (Oct 17, 2013)

An American goes to the Netherlands because he heard that the sheepherders over there had sex with sheep, and he wanted to try it. He gets there and asks some sheepherders if they would mind if he could date one of their sheep, and they said, "Sure, go ahead and take your pick." When he came out of the barn, all the sheepherders were laughing at him. He asked what was so funny, and they said, "You picked the ugliest one!"


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## hangover (Oct 17, 2013)

Women don't make good carpenters because they've always been told that this____________is six inches.


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## hangover (Oct 18, 2013)

I can tell how much Billo likes sick jokes, so these are for him.

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi were flying some kids to camp, when the plane's engines went out. There were only two parachutes, and the clergy grabbed them and headed for the door. The priest says, "What about the kids? The Rabbi says, "Fuck the kids!" The priest asks, "Do you think we have time?"

The difference between a refrigerator and a homosexual is, a frig don't fart when you pull the meat out.


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## ClosedCaption (Oct 18, 2013)

Billo_Really said:


> *What's 12 inches long and makes a woman scream in the morning?*
> 
> 
> _Crib death!_




*slow clap* Did not see that coming


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## hangover (Oct 18, 2013)

> Republican Motto: Party over Country


Na, it's more like...."Fuck you, me first."


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## hangover (Oct 18, 2013)

The German word for brazier is....keepemfromfloppin

German word for vigin is....goodntite


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## hangover (Oct 18, 2013)

What do you call an American woman with a stump leg?....Ileane.

What do you call an oriental woman with a stump leg? Irene.


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## ClosedCaption (Oct 18, 2013)

hangover said:


> What do you call an American woman with a stump leg?....Ileane.
> 
> What do you call an oriental woman with a stump leg? Irene.


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## hangover (Oct 18, 2013)

What do you call a cow with only two legs? Lean beef

What do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef


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## hangover (Oct 19, 2013)

Hallway sex. Two old people pass in the hallway, and one says, "Fuck you", and the other says, "Fuck you too.."


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## Billo_Really (Oct 19, 2013)

A guy is jogging along the beach when he comes up on a crying woman with no arms and no legs.  He stops and asks her, _"Why are you crying?"_ She replies, _"I've never been kissed before."_  So he reaches down and kisses her on the lips and keeps on jogging.  On his way back, he runs across the very same woman and she's crying again.  He asks, _"Why are you crying now?"  _She say's, _"I've never been fucked before."_  He reaches down, picks her up in his arms, chucks her out into the ocean and say's, _"Now your fucked!"_


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## Billo_Really (Oct 19, 2013)

*What do you get when a blonde stands on her hands?*

_A brunette with bad breath!_


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## Billo_Really (Oct 19, 2013)

*How do you fuck a fat chick?*

_You flip through the folds 'till you smell shit, then you go back one._


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## hangover (Oct 19, 2013)

Why do cowboys have brown noses? Looking for love in all the wrong places.

Why are cowboy hats turned up on the sides? So you can fit three in the cab of a pickup.

Why do cowgirls like cowboys? They think the ring in their back pocket is a pack of rubbers.


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## Billo_Really (Oct 19, 2013)

*Why do gay guys use ribbed condoms?*

_Better traction in the mud!_


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## hangover (Oct 19, 2013)

Billo_Really said:


> *Why do gay guys use ribbed condoms?*
> 
> _Better traction in the mud!_



What's grosser than that? A hickey on a hemorrhoid.


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## Billo_Really (Oct 19, 2013)

Three guys die and go to Heaven and are met by St. Peter and the Pearly gates.  Peter say's, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear your story as to how you got here."

First guy goes, "Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me, so this morning I acted like I was going to work and doubled back to the apartment.  Sure enough, the door was locked and I heard some commotion in there.  So I kicked down the door and saw the window was open.  I ran over to the window and saw a man running across our backyard putting his shirt on.  So I grabbed the nearest thing I could get my hands on, which was the refrigerator and chucked it out the window and tagged the guy.  However, the strain of lifting all that weight, gave me a heart attack."

Peter goes, "Okay, now you."

The second guy goes, "Well, I was late for work this morning and was afraid I'd miss my bus, so I cut across this guy's lawn and got hit in the head by this refrigerator.

Peter goes, "Okay, now you."

The third guy goes, "Well, you see, I was hiding in this refrigerator..."


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## Billo_Really (Oct 19, 2013)

Mother Theresa dies and goes to Heaven.  She's met by St. Peter at the Pearly gates and he say's, _"Before I can let you in, I need to ask you a few questions."_

As he is saying this, Mother Theresa looks over his shoulder and sees Lady Diana inside.  She interupts Peter and say's, _"St. Peter, after everything I've done in my life, why am I out here answering questions, when Lady Diana is already inside with a halo over her head?"_

Peter looks around, then turns back to Mother Theresa and say's, _"That's not a halo, it's a steering wheel!"_


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## hangover (Oct 19, 2013)

Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicolas and Tiger Woods get hit by lightening on the eighteenth green and go up to heaven where God is sitting on his throne. He asks, "What do you guys believe?" Arnie says, "I believe in being faithful to my fans." Jack says, "I believe in the integrity of the game." Tiger says, "I believe you're in my seat, get up."


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## hangover (Oct 20, 2013)

The height of embarrassment is when a guy walks into a door with an erection, and breaks his nose.


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## Billo_Really (Oct 20, 2013)

Did you hear about the blonde who bragged to her boyfriend she solved the puzzle in 2 to 3 weeks, when the side of the box said 3 to 5 years?


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## hangover (Oct 20, 2013)

Why do blondes wear loop earrings? Stirrups.


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## hangover (Oct 21, 2013)

The blonde had a bruise on her navel because her boyfriend was blonde too.


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## hangover (Oct 21, 2013)

Jesus and Moses were on the tee box, on the 175 yard par three over the lake. Jesus said, " I think Jack Nicolas would use a seven iron for this shot." Moses replied, "That's a big lake, you better use your five iron." Jesus said, "If Jack can do it, so can I." So he hits his seven iron right into the lake, and tries it and again with the same result. So he walks out on the lake to get his balls, and a foursome comes up on the tee box and sees Jesus out on the lake. One of them says, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses says, "No, he thinks he Jack Nicolas."


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## hangover (Oct 21, 2013)

For Billo...
What did Jeffery Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt? You gonna eat that?


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## hangover (Oct 21, 2013)

A lady asks a threesome on the first tee if she could be a fourth. She plays left handed and kicks all their asses. So the guys ask for a rematch. She joins them the next day and plays right handed, and kicks their asses again. So they ask for one more chance. She was supposed to meet them on the first tee at 10am, but doesn't show until 10:30, and she's playing left handed again. One guy asks how she decides to play left or right handed. She says,"Well, when I wake up in the morning, if my husband is laying off to the left, I play left handed, if he's laying to the right I play right handed." The guy says, "Well, what if he got morning wood?" She replies, "Then I'm thirty minutes late."


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## hangover (Oct 22, 2013)

An elderly couple were on the eighteenth tee of a golf course lined with nice homes. The old guy duck hooked his drive through the window of one of the houses, and went and knocked on the door to fess up to it, and pay for the window. A man answered the door and said, "Thank you sir, you have freed me from my prison, that shattered bottle on the floor. You see, I'm a genie, and because you freed me, I'm going to give you any wish you want." The old guy said, "Yeah sure, ok I'll take a million dollars." The genie said, "Poof, it's in your bank account! And I'm going to give your wife a wish too. What would you like ma'am?" She said, "I'd love one of these houses on this golf course." Genie said, "Poof, your wish is my command! And I feel so great now that I'm free, I'm going to give myself a wish. I wish I had 30 minutes upstairs with this lovely lady." The old guy said,"You can forget it bud!" But the old lady said, " Now wait honey, a million dollars and a house on the course, I'll do it!" Thirty minutes later they were laying back on the bed and the guy says, "Lady, how long have you believed in genies?"


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## hangover (Oct 25, 2013)

Proof That The World Is Nuts


In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, hermother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is the USA a great country or what? Well, ... not as great as Guam !)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)

(Did the government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet ...

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts ...

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this.

If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !!!!!!


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## hangover (Oct 25, 2013)

A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice,
The Lord said.
'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New
Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the
supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the
concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust
several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help
mankind.'

The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he
said,
'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives.
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking
when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what
she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make
a woman truly happy'.

The Lord replied;
'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?


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## hangover (Oct 28, 2013)

A cabby picks up a nun...

She gets into the cab, and notices that the driver is VERY
handsome. The cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
And have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see
and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to kiss a nun."

She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
To be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.
Have a wonderful weekend!


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## hangover (Oct 28, 2013)

Biggest joke in the world....
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHjIb6trxBI]Bush Tries to Escape - YouTube[/ame]


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## hangover (Oct 30, 2013)

A gay bar with no chairs is a fruit stand.


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## hangover (Oct 31, 2013)

A bunch of seminarians were taking their last test to become priests. The bishop made them all line up nekid with bells tied to their wanks. The bishop told them that if their bell rang they failed the test. Then he brought in a hooker that passed by each seminarian doing the hoochy coo. None of the bells rang until the last guy. And he popped a stiffy that sent the bell flying to the corner of the room. An alter boy bent over to pick it up, and all the other bells went off.


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## hangover (Nov 5, 2013)

My wife got naked and asked me to "show her a good time".
So I showed her photos of me and my friends before we got married...

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries..


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## hangover (Nov 6, 2013)

Two ladies teed off on the first hole, a 450 yard par four. After six shots each, they finally got to the 150 yard marker. A foursome of guys yelled at them to let them play through, but they figured they were only a twosome, and kept playing. After another six shots, they finally drained their putts, and went and teed off on the second hole. Six shots later, they got to the green on a 150 yard marker again. The foursome of guys on the tee were getting tired of waiting, and one guy teed up his ball and hit one of the girls right in the head, knocked her out cold. She came to a few minutes later, and went to the pro shop and told the man at the counter. He asked where they hit her. She said between the first and second hole. He says, "Lady, you're standing with your legs too far apart."


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## hangover (Nov 6, 2013)

You know you're a Taliban if.............

You refine heroin for a living,but have a moral objection to beer.

You own a 3000 quid machine gun and 5000 quid rocket launcher,but you can't afford shoes.


You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your butt with your bare left hand,but consider bacon "unclean"

You think that vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You can't think of anyone you HAVENT declared jihad against.

You consider television dangerous,but routinely carry explosives in your clothing

You are amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than roadside bombs.

You've often uttered the phrase,"I love what you've done with your cave."

You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.


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## hangover (Nov 6, 2013)

See if you can work this out:

There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the
bottom of the hill..

There were four men ....

one was walking briskly up the hill;
one was inside the brothel;
one was walking slowly down the hill and
the fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.

What were the nationalities of the four men?






* The man going up the hill: was rushin

* The man in the brothel: him-a-layin

* The man walking down the hill: was finish

* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for
the light to turn green!


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## hangover (Nov 7, 2013)

God created whiskey to keep the Irish from taking over the world.


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## hangover (Nov 8, 2013)

A sanitary pad is just in the grove, but a tampon is up tight and out of sight....

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFVdIDVEcEQ]How to Insert a Tampon - YouTube[/ame]


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## hangover (Nov 8, 2013)

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dA75ABi5W88]How to put a condom on your head - YouTube[/ame]


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## Luddly Neddite (Nov 8, 2013)




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## hangover (Nov 9, 2013)

Luddly Neddite said:


>


How did you paste this pic on here? thanks.


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## Luddly Neddite (Nov 9, 2013)

R click, "copy image location", L click on the little picture icon paste "copy image location"

or 

R click, "copy image location", 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




.

Hope that makes sense.


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## hangover (Nov 10, 2013)




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## hangover (Nov 10, 2013)

Luddly Neddite said:


> R click, "copy image location", L click on the little picture icon paste "copy image location"
> 
> or
> 
> ...



Thanks, it worked!


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## hangover (Nov 10, 2013)




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## hangover (Nov 10, 2013)




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## hangover (Nov 10, 2013)




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## hangover (Nov 10, 2013)




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## hangover (Nov 11, 2013)




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## hangover (Nov 11, 2013)




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## hangover (Nov 11, 2013)




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## hangover (Nov 11, 2013)

Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is? A: Ate something

 Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

 One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

 Q: What do you call a Spanish chick with no legs? A: Cuntswaylow

 Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky? A: Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

 Q: What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man? A: The PGA tour.

 Q: Why don't blind people skydive? A: It scares the shit out of their dogs!

 Q: Whats thirty feet long and smells like urine? A: Line dancing at a nursing home.

 If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage.

 Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.


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## hangover (Nov 12, 2013)

Cinderella: Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairygodmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..."

 Snow White & Pinocchio: Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

 Mickey Mouse: Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "No I didn't. I said she is fucking Goofy."


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## hangover (Nov 12, 2013)

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.  Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: 'Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?'

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do have ****.  Actually we carry many different models.'

The old lady then asks: 'Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, 'Yes we do.'

She asks: ' Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?


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## hangover (Nov 12, 2013)

who said it's necessary for English to be the primary language!?



I was at my bank today. There was a short line. Just one lady
    in front of me .

  An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
    It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .

    "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today
    I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

    The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."


The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"


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## hangover (Nov 12, 2013)

While walking down the street one day, George "Dubya" Bush is shot by a disgruntled NRA member.
His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter.     "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom see a Republican around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
    "No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says Dubya.
    "I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
    "But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."
    "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
    The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years. Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell the whole of the "Right" was there everyone laughing happy casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants". They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
    The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!"
   "Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly.
    This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"
Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, whom he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward.
    When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great; it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special! Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive.
    "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"
    The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
    So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
    The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
    The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."


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## hangover (Nov 12, 2013)




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## hangover (Nov 13, 2013)




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## hangover (Nov 13, 2013)




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## hangover (Nov 13, 2013)

shape shifter....


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## hangover (Nov 13, 2013)

How many guys can participate in a gang bang before it's gay?

 Women fake orgasms to have relationships. Men fake relationships to have orgasms.

 I'd like to point out that 'beautiful' has u in it. But, 'quickie' has u & i together.

 Scientists say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 5 inches. This just shows how big the Chinese population is getting.


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## hangover (Nov 14, 2013)

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and
whacked him on the head with a magazine.
'What was that for?' he asked.
'That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.
'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.
'Oh darling, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation.'
Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, 'What was that for?'
'Your horse phoned


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## hangover (Nov 14, 2013)

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week.
One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her.
He noted what a fine looking woman she was!
While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said,
"Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"
"Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.......
On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina.
When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?'
"Oh, Lord NO," said the fine example of southern womanhood.
"Whatever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked,
"Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness NO", said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did!"
Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.
He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose, so he asked,
"Ahhh ... mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice,", she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in.
The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible sex imaginable, the gentleman awoke first.
He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and was curious.

He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing.....what are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them --- that you don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"


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## hangover (Nov 20, 2013)




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## hangover (Nov 20, 2013)




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## hangover (Nov 20, 2013)

After a long night buying a foxy woman drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home. After the walk to the door, the woman asked Joe in for a nightcap... One thing led to another and before you know it, Joe was naked. After making great love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer.", she said. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded Joe bewildered. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."


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## hangover (Nov 21, 2013)




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## hangover (Nov 21, 2013)




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## hangover (Nov 23, 2013)




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## hangover (Nov 23, 2013)




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## hangover (Nov 23, 2013)




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## hangover (Dec 9, 2013)

A blonde goes to her gynecologist and tells him that she keeps finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in her vagina. He says, "Those aren't postage stamps, they're stickers off the bananas."

Grandfather tells his grandson that his young generation is too reliant on technology. Grandson replies, "Well which one of us needs a pace maker to keep living?"

The old saying is, "Don't take your troubles to bed with you." But men continue to sleep with their wives.


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## ClosedCaption (Dec 9, 2013)

What rock group has 4 members and none of them sing?




Mount Rushmore.


...I'm so Sorry


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