# Short and sweet



## Bootneck

Man walks into a cafe. "Hey why did you sack my son"?
Owner replies, "Because he had the potato peeler stuck up his arse".
Man, "Show me this potato peeler".
Owner, "Can't - I sacked him too".


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## Big Black Dog

You Brits and your sense of humor crack me up sometimes...  As usual, another good one for those that can catch on...


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## Bootneck

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."


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## Luissa

Did you guys here Mickey and Minnie are divorcing?
When asked if it was because Minnie was crazy or overly jealous Mickey replied, " No, she was fucking Goofy!"


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## Bootneck

The word for the day is legs;

spread the word.


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## Bootneck

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning where her Daddy is reading the paper.
"Where does poo come from?" she asks.
Father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the girl.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."
The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:
"And Tigger?"


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## Luissa

lmao


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## Bootneck

A visitor to a mental institution asked the Director how he decided which patients should be kept in.

The Director said "We fill up a bath then offer the patient a teaspoon, teacup or bucket and ask them to empty the bath." 

The visitor said "Oh, I see, a normal person would choose the bucket."

The Director said "No. A normal person would pull the fucking plug out. Now, would you like a bed near the window?"


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## Phoenix

Bootneck said:


> A visitor to a mental institution asked the Director how he decided which patients should be kept in.
> 
> The Director said "We fill up a bath then offer the patient a teaspoon, teacup or bucket and ask them to empty the bath."
> 
> The visitor said "Oh, I see, a normal person would choose the bucket."
> 
> The Director said "No. A normal person would pull the fucking plug out. Now, would you like a bed near the window?"



I'd like the padded room please.


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## Bootneck

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, 
"I feel horrible, Im overweight, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment and make me feel better" 



The husband replies, "Your eyesight is perfect dear."


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## Phoenix

Bootneck said:


> A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
> "I feel horrible, Im overweight, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment and make me feel better"
> 
> 
> 
> The husband replies, "Your eyesight is perfect dear."



How long did it take for the swelling of his eyes to go down so he could see again?


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## Bootneck

Eve said:


> Bootneck said:
> 
> 
> 
> A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
> "I feel horrible, Im overweight, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment and make me feel better"
> 
> 
> 
> The husband replies, "Your eyesight is perfect dear."
> 
> 
> 
> 
> How long did it take for the swelling of his eyes to go down so he could see again?
Click to expand...


Put it this way, he doesn't go out much any more. Well, I suppose being three foot down, under the patio doesn't help.


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## Phoenix

Bootneck said:


> Put it this way, he doesn't go out much any more. Well, I suppose being three foot down, under the patio doesn't help.



That does make it more difficult ...


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## Bootneck

Guy says to his wife: darling, what would you do if I said I've won the lottery? Wife replies: I'd take half, then leave you. Guy says: excellent! I had 3 numbers and won a tenner. Here's a fiver - now fuck off!


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## Phoenix

Bootneck said:


> Guy says to his wife: darling, what would you do if I said I've won the lottery? Wife replies: I'd take half, then leave you. Guy says: excellent! I had 3 numbers and won a tenner. Here's a fiver - now fuck off!


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## Bootneck

A man comes home from work and finds his wife in bed making love to a tramp. "How could you?" Exclaims the husband. His wife replied. "It just happened. He knocked on the door asking for food, so I gave him the dinner you didn't want last night. Then I thought I would give him that shirt I gave you for your birthday that you haven't used. Then I gave him those black loafers you never wear. Then he asked me if there was anything else you didn't use..."


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## Phoenix

Bootneck said:


> A man comes home from work and finds his wife in bed making love to a tramp. "How could you?" Exclaims the husband. His wife replied. "It just happened," replied his wife. "he knocked on the door asking for food, so I gave him the dinner you didn't want last night. Then I thought I would give him that shirt I gave you for your birthday that you haven't used. Then I gave him those black loafers you never wear. Then he asked me if there was anything else you didn't use..."


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## Bootneck

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.


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## Bootneck

I got invited to the annual premature ejaculation society summer ball this year. When I asked what the dress code was, they told me to "just come in your pants"!


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## random3434

Bootneck said:


> I got invited to the annual premature ejaculation society summer ball this year. When I asked what the dress code was, they told me to "just come in your pants"!




Dave S., is that you?


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## Colin

What's the difference between your penis and your paycheck? 

- You dont have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!


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## Colin

One day three ducks were swimming in a pond when a police officer pulled over the first duck. The officer asked, "What's your name and what are you doing here?"

The duck replies "My name is Quack and I was blowing bubbles in the pond." 

The officer saw no reason to ask anything else so he let him go. The officer then pulled the second duck over and asked, "What's your name and what are you doing?"

The second duck replied, "My name is Quack Quack and I'm blowing bubbles in the pond."

The officer then let him go as well. The third duck swam by and the officer said, "Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack and you were blowing bubbles in the pond too."

The third duck said, "No, my name is Bubbles."


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## Dis

Bootneck said:


> Short and sweet



Hell.  I clicked on this thinking you were talking about me.


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## Bootneck

Dis said:


> Bootneck said:
> 
> 
> 
> Short and sweet
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Hell.  I clicked on this thinking you were talking about me.
Click to expand...


Wouldn't talk about a lady behind her back. More to see from the front.


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## Bootneck

A priest is walking by a house and sees, sitting in the front steps, a young boy shaking a bottle of some clear liquid. 

He asks the boy what he was doing. The boy responded, "This here, Father, is turpentine, the most powerfull liquid in the world". 

The priest responds, "You are wrong, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. You rub a few drops of Holy Water on a pregnant womans belly and she'll pass a boy". 

The boy responded, "That ain't nothing father. You rub a few drops of this in a cat's arse and he'll pass a motorcycle!"


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## Luissa

two guys are drinking when one says," I got get home before I piss of the wife, I wasn't suppose to be drinking." So drunk he starts to leave and outside he throws up all over himself. Mad he goes back inside and tells his friend, " What em I going to do now, surely she'll know I was drinking. His friend then hands him five dollars and tells him, " Tell her some guys puked on you at the bar but he gave you five bucks for dry cleaning."
Deciding this was a good idea the guys goes home and when his wife sees him and starts to get pissed he tells her the story about the guy puking on him and that he gave him five bucks for the cleaning.Reaching into his pocket his wife pulls out two five dollar bills and asks," There is ten bucks here, what is the other five dollars for?"
So the guy replies, " He shit in my pants too!"


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## Bootneck

*Phoning the airport*

Name.....?

Abdul Ali Rahzeb.

Sex.....?

About three to five times a week.

No, no, I mean male or female.

Male, female, donkey, sometime even camel.

Holy Cow !!!

Yes, cow, sheep, goat, whatever come my way.

But isn't that hostile?

Horse style, doggy style, any style.

Oh dear!

No, no, no !! deer run too fast.


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## jillian

Dis said:


> Bootneck said:
> 
> 
> 
> Short and sweet
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Hell.  I clicked on this thinking you were talking about me.
Click to expand...




me, too.


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## Bootneck

jillian said:


> Dis said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Bootneck said:
> 
> 
> 
> Short and sweet
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Hell.  I clicked on this thinking you were talking about me.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> me, too.
Click to expand...


I knew you wre sweet, Jillian. Just didn't know you were short.


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## Bootneck

Why is sex with Special Forces soldiers boring?

Because they're trained to slip in and out without being noticed!


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## Bootneck

Lad in the barbers with his dad says dad why do condoms come in different size packets?
Dad says well son this 3 pack is for when youre at college, 2 for Friday night 1 for Saturday morning
This 6 pack is for when youre at university, 2 for Friday 2 for Saturday & 2 for Sunday
And the 12 pack is for when youre married, 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March


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## Bootneck

Couple lying in bed and the bloke farts. 1 nil he says.
The woman farts, 1 all she says.
The bloke farts, 2  1 says he.
The woman lets one rip, 2 all she says.
The bloke farts and follows through n shits the bed.
What was that asked the woman?
Half time, change sides.


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## Bootneck

A couple decide to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary by booking the same hotel room where they had their honeymoon. In the morning they have breakfast in bed, and the wife says."This is so romantic, my breasts are all warm and tingly." "I'm not surprised", replies her husband. "One's hanging in your coffee and the other's lying on my bacon."


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## Bootneck

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."


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## AVG-JOE

Bootneck said:


> *Phoning the airport*
> 
> Name.....?
> 
> Abdul Ali Rahzeb.
> 
> Sex.....?
> 
> About three to five times a week.
> 
> No, no, I mean male or female.
> 
> Male, female, donkey, sometime even camel.
> 
> Holy Cow !!!
> 
> Yes, cow, sheep, goat, whatever come my way.
> 
> But isn't that hostile?
> 
> Horse style, doggy style, any style.
> 
> Oh dear!
> 
> No, no, no !! deer run too fast.



The Brave exited his tee pee with 5 feathers in his hat and the tourist lady asked the meaning... 5 wives was the answer.

The the Chief came out sporting a head dress full of feathers - too many to count.

"That's hostile!" exclaimed the tourist.

"Of course Hoss-style" said the guide, "Chief hung like horse - how you think he became Chief?"

"Oh, dear" she blushed.

"No Deer lady!  Hole to high, run too fast, snag-um balls in barb-wire fence!"

(Native American version)​


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## AVG-JOE

Bootneck said:


> Lad in the barbers with his dad says dad why do condoms come in different size packets?
> Dad says well son this 3 pack is for when youre at college, 2 for Friday night 1 for Saturday morning
> This 6 pack is for when youre at university, 2 for Friday 2 for Saturday & 2 for Sunday
> And the 12 pack is for when youre married, 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March



Pharmacist ringing up first condom purchase for nervous 16 year old:  "That'll be $7.87, including the tax..."



" TACKS?!?" exclaimed the stunned kid, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed!"


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## AVG-JOE

Bootneck said:


> A couple decide to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary by booking the same hotel room where they had their honeymoon. In the morning they have breakfast in bed, and the wife says."This is so romantic, my breasts are all warm and tingly." "I'm not surprised", replies her husband. "One's hanging in your coffee and the other's lying on my bacon."



A woman walks into the living room on her 50th wedding anniversary wearing the same lingerie that she wore on her wedding night and asks her husband "Do you remember what you said to me the first night you saw me in this?"

"I sure do!" he replies excitedly... "I said 'I'm gonna suck those sweet titties dry and drill that tight box a new opening!"

"And what do you say tonight?" she smiled coyly....​


"I'd say 'mission accomplished'!"


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## Bootneck

What gets longer when its pulled..
Fits snugly between a woman's breasts..
Fits neatly into a tight hole..
Works best of all when jerked hard...?????
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A seat belt you perv....!! Now Buckle Up..!!!


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## Phoenix




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## Bootneck

A man  was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 
'What was that for?' the man  asked. 
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper  with the name Jenny on that I found in your pants  pocket'. 
The man then said 'When I was at the races last  week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' 
The wife  apologised and went on with the housework. 
Three days later  the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head  with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.  
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again. 
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'


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## Bootneck

Wife:          'What are you  doing?'  

Husband:     'Nothing.' 

Wife:          'Nothing...?  You've been reading our  marriage   certificate for an  hour.' 

Husband:     'I  was looking for the expiration date.'


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## Phoenix

Bootneck said:


> Wife:          'What are you  doing?'
> 
> Husband:     'Nothing.'
> 
> Wife:          'Nothing...?  You've been reading our  marriage   certificate for an  hour.'
> 
> Husband:     'I  was looking for the expiration date.'


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## Bootneck

After no dates or sex for 5 years a woman goes to see a Chinese sex therapist. Dr Chang. He says "Take off all your clothes and get down and craw reery, reery fas to other side of loom." She does that. "Now craw reery, reery fas back." As she did Dr Chang shook is head. "Your problem vewy vewy bad you have worse case of Ed Zachery disease I ever see, that why you get no date or sex." 
Woman says "Oh my god" whats Ed Zachery disease. Dr says, its when your face looks Ed Zachery like your arse."


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## Bootneck

Guy gets caught stealing a tin of peaches from the supermarket.
When he goes to court the judge says for every peach I find in this tin I will give you one month in jail.
The judge opens the tin and counts up to eight and says to the man, I sentence you to eight months in jail. Do you have anything to say?

Guy replies, Yes your honour. My wife stole a tin of peas.


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## Bootneck

A Royal Marine is down to his last two rounds when he is presented with two clear targets, a Taliban and Gordon Brown. Who does he shoot first?

The Taliban of course, but why?

Answer: He is professional....business before pleasure!


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## AVG-JOE

Bootneck said:


> A Royal Marine is down to his last two rounds when he is presented with two clear targets, a Taliban and Gordon Brown. Who does he shoot first?
> 
> The Taliban of course, but why?
> 
> Answer: He is professional....business before pleasure!





			
				The Mean Old USMB Software  said:
			
		

> You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Bootneck again.



Bummer, BootMan!


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## Ringel05

The Three Stages of Married Sex:
1.  Anywhere and everywhere.
2. In the bedroom when the kids are away.
3. Saying fuck you as you pass each other in the hall.


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## Bootneck

*Sun dial*

A man is walking through the desert looking for water. He sees a naked man on his back with an erection. He asks the naked man what he is doing.

"Telling the time, this how we do it out here"

Comparison of our man's wristwatch and the erect organ reveal the latter to be quite accurate.

Having got directions to the oasis our man walks on. He then sees another figure hunched in the sand dunes; looking over his shoulder he sees that this man is masturbating furiously.

"What are you doing!?'

"Winding my watch, what's it fucking look like?!"


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## Bootneck

A young teenaged girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" 
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?


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## Bootneck

What do you call 100 women in a field of vibrators?


Squatters!


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## random3434

A man runs into a pub and said to the lanlord, "Fifteen gins please. Just had my first blow job."  So the landlord pours 15 Gins and asks "Why fifteen gins?  To steady the nerves?" 

The man replies "No, but if fifteen gins dosen't get rid of the taste nothing will."


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## Bootneck

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it he looks in his shirt pocket, and asks for another beer. After drinking that beer, he looks into his pocket again, and then asks for another beer. This happens another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your shirt pocket??" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."


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## Colin

Judge to prostitute : 'When did you realise you were raped?' 

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced.'


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## Colin

Medical researchers have found that Patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.


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## Colin

If women are so good at multitasking how come they can't have sex with a headache ?


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## germanguy

Son comes home at night and meets his daddy sitting in the living-room.
"Daddy - this evening I had the first time sex."
"Really - you have become a man now - Sit down with me and have a drink"
"Drink yes - but I won´t sit daddy!"

________________________________________

The nurse says to the doc:
"Sir, you are trying to sign this with your thermometer"
"Fuck it, I just wanna know where I have stuck my pen".


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## Colin

A man says to his wife" I want kinky sex tonight, can I come in your ear ?" Wife says "I might go deaf, so no way" Man replies"Well, I've been coming in your mouth for years and you're still talking".


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## Mr.Fitnah

Bootneck said:


> Man walks into a cafe. "Hey why did you sack my son"?
> Owner replies, "Because he had the potato peeler stuck up his arse".
> Man, "Show me this potato peeler".
> Owner, "Can't - I sacked him too".



http://www.usmessageboard.com/1388989-post1.html

Short and sweet	11-24-2009 07:42 AM	Bootneck
Short and sweet	11-24-2009 03:54 PM	Bootneck

I may be able to get 3 in in a day


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## Colin

Hear about the dwarf who could read the future who escaped from prison.
He was described as a short medium at large.


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## Colin

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. 

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." 

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached!" 

To which the first replies, "Whoa! I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"


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## Colin

A woman decides to try to spice up her sex life and so buys a pair of crotchless panties. She's sitting with her legs open opposite her husband who asks;

"Are you wearing crotchless pants?"

"yes" she replies seductively and her husband says

"Thank fuck for that, I thought the sofa had burst!"


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## Colin

*Sadism* 

Masochist says "Beat me"

Sadist replies "No"


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## Phoenix

Colin said:


> *Sadism*
> 
> Masochist says "Beat me"
> 
> Sadist replies "No"



Mom finds S&M magazines under teenage boy's bed. Takes them to Dad and says "What do we do?!"

Dad replies, "Whatever you do, _don't spank him_."


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## California Girl

This is one damned funny thread!


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## Baruch Menachem

Colin said:


> One day three ducks were swimming in a pond when a police officer pulled over the first duck. The officer asked, "What's your name and what are you doing here?"
> 
> The duck replies "My name is Quack and I was blowing bubbles in the pond."
> 
> The officer saw no reason to ask anything else so he let him go. The officer then pulled the second duck over and asked, "What's your name and what are you doing?"
> 
> The second duck replied, "My name is Quack Quack and I'm blowing bubbles in the pond."
> 
> The officer then let him go as well. The third duck swam by and the officer said, "Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack and you were blowing bubbles in the pond too."
> 
> The third duck said, "No, my name is Bubbles."



Version I heard in 5th grade

New school teacher  is taking attendance when a boy comes in late.
She asks "Why were you late?"
"I was on Strawberry Hill."
Teacher gives a look and sends him to his seat.

A little while later another boy comes in.
"Where were you, young man?"
"I was on Strawberry Hill."
"Correct attendance is a sign of good citizenship.  Please come to class on time.  Now take your seat.."

And  shortly thereafter a young lady comes into class.
Teacher asks "So, were you up on Strawberry Hill too?"
"No mam, I am Strawberry Hill."


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## Colin

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.


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## Colin

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV
when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen. 

"What would you like for dinner Love ? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "Thank you, I'll have the chicken."

Fuck You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat.


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## Charles Stucker

Colin said:


> A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV
> when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.
> 
> "What would you like for dinner Love ? Chicken, beef or lamb?"
> 
> He said, "Thank you, I'll have the chicken."
> 
> Fuck You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat.



I guess in that house it is better to be a pussy.


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## Colin

*Jewish mother's mathematics*

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon ! 
All he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of 50 pence piece when it used to be the size of 5 pence piece. 

Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get a thousand pounds a week allowance, you take 6 holidays a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 pence!!!!


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## Colin

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mum" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.


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## California Girl

Colin said:


> A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
> "Mum" he asked, "are these my brains?"
> "Not yet," she replied.



Yep.


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## Colin

A woman had been on the game for years and was worried about the size of her pussy on her wedding night. She decided to tell her husband that she had "caught it" climbing over a fence.

After an hour in bed with her he looked at her and asked "Just how far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?"


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## Colin

I lost the pub quiz last night by 1 point. 

The last question was where do most women have curly hair? 

.......apparently the correct answer is Africa ?


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## Colin

I was swindled last week. I bought a book called _How to Make it Big_. It was all about money!


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## editec

Honeymoon Groom checking into the hotel with his new bride

Groom: _Well here we are. Shall we order a bridal suite?_ 

Bride - _No, Dear, we won't need a bridle. If it gets too rough, I'll just hang on to your ears._


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## Bootneck

Wow! This thread has grown since I was last here! Oh well, let's keep it going.


Do you remember the days when young boys would enter the priesthood...



Rather than the other way round.


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## Jos

Murphy calls to see his mate paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says "my feet are frozen could you go upstairs and fetch me my slippers"
"No probs" so he runs upstairs and sees paddys 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Your da sent me up to Shag the both of you"
"liar" said the girls.
"Ill prove it" so he shouts downstairs "both of them"
Paddy shouts back "Of course, whats the use of f*ckin one"


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## Jos

A Wee Irish boy is crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to Fetch Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."


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## Colin

An 80 year old man finds his wife doing a handstand, naked, against a wall.



Shocked, he asks, "What are you doing?"




She says, "I know you can't get it up, so maybe you can drop it in."


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## Colin

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and 
sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and 
finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, 
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


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## Baruch Menachem

three young women are sitting at the bar after work one Friday evening.   One of them gets a phone call from a boyfriend and agrees to meet him around "eightish."

A bit later another gets a phone call, and arranges to meet the boyfriend around "nineish"


The last one sits nursing her drink at the bar, until she turns around and address the guys around her and says "Tenish, anyone?"


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## Colin

Mother to young son: " You haven't changed your underpants again..
disgusting..what if you had been hit by a car and were taken to hospital ?"
Son replies: " Wouldn't make any difference, if I had been hit by a car, 
I'd have shit myself anyway."


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## Colin

Nothing annoys me more than when my finger accidentally pokes through the toilet paper mid wipe.
Other than that, I'm really enjoying my new job at the old folks home.


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## Baruch Menachem

An elderly rich man finally got his first hearing aid, one  of the small kind that fit inside the ear and are invisible.

He went back to the doctor for a post fit checkup.  the doc asks how he likes the new hearing aid.

"It's great!   I've changed my will three times!"


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## Colin

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'Careered off the road'


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## ekrem

This one is a religious one, so sorry if i upset someone.

Hitler, Stalin and Jesus argue which person is the most famous down on earth. 
Hitler: "Let's go to Berlin, there they will know me".
[SCENE: Berlin, Hitler knocks at a house-door, a man opens the door.]
Man: "Hail Hitler, Hail Stalin, who is the long-haired?"
Stalin: "Let's go to Moscow, there they will know me."
[SCENE: Moscow, Stalin knocks at a house-door, a man opens the door.]
Man: "Hail Stalin, Hail Hitler, who is the long-haired?"
[SCENE: Jesus now very disappointed and angry of noone knowing him in Berlin and Moscow makes this suggestion....]
Jesus: "Let's go to Jerusalem, there they will know me"
[SCENE: Jerusalem, Jesus knocks at a house-door, a man opens the door.]
Man: "Hail Hitler, Hail Stalin" [SCENE: Man looks shockingly at Jesus and shout indoors]
Man: "Anna bring back the nails, the long-haired is back".


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## Colin

Saw a mate this morning, hes only got one arm.
Where you off to I shouted
To change a light bulb,he said
That's going to be awkward isnt it?
Not really he said Ive still got the receipt.


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## Baruch Menachem

Tourist in a bar in Inverness sees a local  holding on to his middle and moaning. 

Tourist asks "What's the matter?"

"Alas... I 've got the Yoooorsz"

"What's Yooorsz?" asks the tourist

"Ah, that's right generous of you mon... Barman... I'll have the Glenfiddich strait up"


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## Colin

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay


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## Colin

When I was born, I was given a choice:  A big  dick or a good memory... 
I wish I could remember, what I  chose.


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## hitmark

Q. What do you call a dozen blondes in the freezer?
A. Frosted flakes.

***********

General Schwartzkopf was asked how it was possible to fight an enemy who was ready and willing to die for his cause.
His reply: "Accommodate him."


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## grand_dra9on

this thread is awesome... make me laugh quite long... LOL


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## Colin

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude."


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## hitmark

In New Delhi, Blue-line buses are notorious for killing people in  accidents.

Today a Blue-line bus driver saved
2 lives.

Howz that possible?


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## Colin

An Englishman walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman  
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. 

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?' 

'No', he replies, I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it... 

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'

The Englishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?' 

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties. 

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!' 

The Englishman smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'


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## Colin

*Not many people know of this interesting fact! 

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.


In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.*


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## Colin

Just bought some sausages with a picture of Jamie Oliver on the front. 
On the back it says: prick with fork! Can't argue with that!


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## Colin

A businessman operating a store in a small town in Maine 
received an invoice for two month's supply of merchandise. 
Knowing that his clerk was a graduate of the University of
Maine, he called her into his office and asked her, If I gave 
you $20,000 minus 14% how much would take off. She looked 
at him for a moment and said, everything but my earrings!


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## Bootneck

Colin said:


> A businessman operating a store in a small town in Maine
> received an invoice for two month's supply of merchandise.
> Knowing that his clerk was a graduate of the University of
> Maine, he called her into his office and asked her, If I gave
> you $20,000 minus 14% how much would take off. She looked
> at him for a moment and said, everything but my earrings!



 Hey! You kept this going!


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## Bootneck

A British company is developing a computer chip that stores
music in women's breast implants. This is a major breakthrough.

Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts
without listening to them.


----------



## Valerie

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wz1W_omigwg&feature=player_embedded[/ame]


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## Bootneck

Colin said:


> Nothing annoys me more than when my finger accidentally pokes through the toilet paper mid wipe.
> Other than that, I'm really enjoying my new job at the old folks home.


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## Colin

A guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly woman.  She has a parrot 
on her shoulder.  Woman says: If you can tell me what kind of creature I have
on my shoulder...I'll sleep with you."  Guy says:  "An alligator?"  Woman 
says: "Close enough"


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## germanguy

Mother Superior discovers, that one of the nuns is pregnant. 
She ask how this has happened.
"Mother Superior - you won´t believe what people put on candles these days"


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## Bootneck

I saw a pongo fall into the river this morning and being a responsible citizen, 
I informed  emergency services. 

It's 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded! 

I'm now starting to think I've wasted a postage stamp!


----------



## Colin

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said...
'Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.'


She said.......'You've the biggest dick out of all your friends.'


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## Phoenix




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## Phoenix

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."


----------



## Big Black Dog

Question...  If you have a big green ball in one hand and a big green ball in the other, what do you have?  Answer:  A pretty firm grip on the Jolly Green Giant.


----------



## George Costanza

Horse sits down at a bar and orders a double bourbon.  Bartender brings the drink and takes one look at the horse.  "Why the long face?"


----------



## George Costanza

Bootneck said:


> I saw a pongo fall into the river this morning and being a responsible citizen,
> I informed  emergency services.
> 
> It's 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!
> 
> I'm now starting to think I've wasted a postage stamp!



I get the joke - but what's a pongo?  According to Google, pongo is a resume service that helps people create job resumes.


----------



## Bootneck

George Costanza said:


> Bootneck said:
> 
> 
> 
> I saw a pongo fall into the river this morning and being a responsible citizen,
> I informed  emergency services.
> 
> It's 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!
> 
> I'm now starting to think I've wasted a postage stamp!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I get the joke - but what's a pongo?  According to Google, pongo is a resume service that helps people create job resumes.
Click to expand...


Sorry. Royal Marine slang for a member of the Army!


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## Phoenix

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.


----------



## Colin

A Scotsman, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, 
a Yank, a Kiwi, a Springbok, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, 
a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, 
a Norwegian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss all 
went to a nightclub.....


The doorman said 


"Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."


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## Colin

A woman said to her husband. "Go into the garden and cut me a nice cabbage for
our roast lunch". He was gone some time and she found he had died of a heart attack.
She was relating this to a friend some time later and the friend asked.

"what did you do?" 

" I had to open a tin of peas" replied the widow.


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## Colin

man goes into a bookshop and asked the young lady assistant: 

"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?" 

"I'm not sure if its in yet." she said.

 "Thats the one, I'll take a copy."


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## editec

A blind guy walks into a bar.

Ouch!


----------



## Colin

Someone told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible.  

I didn't believe it, but on checking, it's true!

Matthew 14:92: 
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to  Egypt."


----------



## Colin

Senior doctor kicks open the hospital staff room door and shouts, "who told the 
Pakistani guy in ward 10 that he only has 2 weeks to live?"  A junior Dr puts up 
his hand up and says, "me sir."  The senior Dr growls at him, "you bastard, 
I wanted to tell him."


----------



## Phoenix

There was a knock on the door this morning. When I opened it, I found a young man standing there in a suit and tie who said, "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness and would love to talk to you."
When we were both sitting down I turned and asked "So, what is it you&#8217;d like to talk about?"
He shrugged his shoulders and said, "Beats me, I've never gotten this far before."


----------



## Colin

You may be a Jehova's Witness if...

......you realise things are getting worse, and you're thrilled.


----------



## Foxfyre

This is a story which is  perfectly logical to all Engineers

A  wife asks her engineer husband, "Could you please go shopping for  
me and buy one carton of milk, and  if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time  later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of  milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6  cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had  eggs."


----------



## Colin

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their lifestyles...

The first guy says " I´m a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist

The second guy says " I´m a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...Double Income, No Kids Yet."

The third guy says, " I´m a R.U.B, you know...Rich, Urban, biker"

They turn to the woman and ask her, "How about you?"

She replies: " I´m a WIFE, you know...Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc"


----------



## Colin

Renault and Ford are working together on an exciting new project to create 
the first car specifically designed for women. They will be combining the best 
of Renault's Clio with Ford's Taurus. The name of the hybrid vehicle is thus likely 
to be Clitaurus. It will only be produced in pink and the average male car thief 
won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on.


----------



## Colin

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night, waiting for her 
date and she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. 
So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally 
farts loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the restaurant 
heard her,  she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop that!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Certainly madam, which way was it headed?"


----------



## Colin

They were on their Honeymoon and the guy spent most of the first afternoon 
munching her muff. They went to an Italian Restaurant for dinner and he found a 
black hair in his spaghetti. He went apeshit and gave the waiter a real bollocking 
and asked to see the Manager. The waiter went for the boss and she smirked and said. 
"You weren't too concerned about having hair in your mouth earlier on" 
Her hubby replied. " I would have been, if I'd found a fuckin' piece of spaghetti in there."


----------



## Colin

Wife say's to husband, 'Doctor says I have the breasts and ass of an 18 year old'
Husband says 'What about your 40 year old twat?'
Wife says ' He didn't mention you'


----------



## Colin

They do say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." 
But if you happen to have a muslim doctor a bacon sandwich works a treat!


----------



## Colin

What's the difference between an epileptic corn husker and a prostitute with diarrhea? 

The husker shucks between fits.


----------



## Colin

Hi. I'm unable to answer my mobile phone at the moment, but if you leave a message The News of The World will email it to me later.


----------



## Colin

My mate went to get a tattoo of an indian warrior on his back. Half way through 
he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand". 

The tattooist said "Give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban."


----------



## Colin

Bloke sat in his armchair shouts to his wife "When I die I'm leaving everything to you love"

She shouts back "You already do you lazy bastard !!!"


----------



## Colin

What's the difference between a golf ball and the G spot?

A man will spend twenty minutes looking for a golf ball!


----------



## Colin

Guy rushes into doctor's office yelling, "Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm a moth!"
Doctor says, "You need a psychiatrist not a doctor."
"I know", says the guy, "I was on my way to see one, but as I passed I saw your light on."


----------



## Colin

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class
give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want 
to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."


----------



## Colin

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from 
a bottle of Wite Out. I woke this morning with a huge correction.


----------



## Colin

It really is apparent that women are much more forward these days.
Yesterday a female friend of mine asked me what my ringtone was.
I said, "light brown like everyone else's."


----------



## Colin

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 
'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'


----------



## Colin

_Wife by text to husband at work _:-  "Windows at home frozen - what will I do?"


_Husband_ :-  "Spray some de-icer, if that doesnt work pour on hot water!"


_Wife a few minutes later _:-  "Done that, now computer won't work at all.


----------



## mudwhistle

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JidfV5xvdjY&feature=related]Exploring your masculinity - from In & Out - YouTube[/ame]


----------

