# I'd Like Your Reactions



## longknife (Dec 6, 2015)

I thought I had a publisher for this, but after 5 months of waiting, they decided it did not fit their book list. So, I've got to go through the process of either finding a literary agent or a publisher. This is what is called a query designed to gain interest in the novels.

Bad things happen. Things so horrid the bravest mind cowers, burying the memories deep. They only crawl out in the weakest hours, dragging one back, covered in cold sweat, unheard screams echoing. Physical wounds can be healed. But, sometimes the mental ones have no easy cures.

Staff Sergeant Ray Daniels feels the aches and pains and touches the scars. But, he does not know who he is, where he is from, whether or not he has a family, and if he has a future. Unlike the other patients, he has no visitors or acquaintances. And nobody will tell him anything but that he was wounded in Afghanistan.

Sonora Symphony is a contemporary novel of 109,000 words that approaches PTSD from a unique perspective. It tells of American Indian healing techniques that include immersion in nature, using healthful and healing foods, diverting dark thoughts with tales and lore of American Indians, all taking place in the Sonora Desert of southern Arizona.

In the end, with the help and guidance of an ex-Green Beret Papago tribal elder, Ray must decide to participate in a ritual that may end his life in order to give him back his future.

And there is a completed sequel, Tsalagi (Cha-lah-ghee) Tales. When Sergeant Daniels learns his Cherokee Father, Irish Mother, and Vietnamese adopted sister were killed, he sets out to unlock the mystery of an international plot to murder Vietnamese War Vets and take their property.

I have any and everything you need available upon request.

(Your comments appreciated)


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## Disir (Dec 6, 2015)

Pardon me, Papago isn't used anymore and is considered highly offensive.  Tohono O’odham.


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## The Great Goose (Dec 6, 2015)

longknife said:


> I thought I had a publisher for this, but after 5 months of waiting, they decided it did not fit their book list. So, I've got to go through the process of either finding a literary agent or a publisher. This is what is called a query designed to gain interest in the novels.
> 
> Bad things happen. Things so horrid the bravest mind cowers, burying the memories deep. They only crawl out in the weakest hours, dragging one back, covered in cold sweat, unheard screams echoing. Physical wounds can be healed. But, sometimes the mental ones have no easy cures.
> 
> ...


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## Compost (Dec 6, 2015)

Go back and rewrite your query letter and your synopsis.  I won't sugar coat this.  If your novel is as stiff as your OP, you need to consider some serious revisions.


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## eagle1462010 (Dec 6, 2015)

http://sbwp-si2010.wikispaces.com/file/view/Writing+Down+the+Bones+Coursepack+by+Goldberg.pdf


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## eagle1462010 (Dec 6, 2015)

longknife said:


> I thought I had a publisher for this, but after 5 months of waiting, they decided it did not fit their book list. So, I've got to go through the process of either finding a literary agent or a publisher. This is what is called a query designed to gain interest in the novels.
> 
> Bad things happen. Things so horrid the bravest mind cowers, burying the memories deep. They only crawl out in the weakest hours, dragging one back, covered in cold sweat, unheard screams echoing. Physical wounds can be healed. But, sometimes the mental ones have no easy cures.
> 
> ...


I'm certainly no writer.........I did take a class in College which used the book...........Writing down the bones............which is why I posted the link.........................

Shit happens.  Every damned night.  2 a.m.  Waking in a pool of my own sweat, screaming so loud that everyone in the hospital ward is awake now.  It's the same dream.  Every time.  The blurred vision of the inside of the Humvee.  Blood on my hands.  Blood dripping down my face.  Is it my Blood?  Tommy are you alright?  Becker?  Where the fuck are you guys?  No response.  They're all dead.  Is this blood mine or theirs?  Am I going crazy.  Shit happens.

Staff Sergeant Daniels.

Huh......yeah that's me.

Are you alright?  You've been screaming again. Did you have the dream again?  Do you want a sedative?

Yeah Julia.  Give me the shot.  Sorry I woke everyone up again.  

It's Ok.  This will make you feel better.


My writing skills still suck, but that was a quick stab at an edit.


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## Searcher44 (Dec 6, 2015)

longknife said:


> I thought I had a publisher for this, but after 5 months of waiting, they decided it did not fit their book list. So, I've got to go through the process of either finding a literary agent or a publisher. This is what is called a query designed to gain interest in the novels.
> 
> Bad things happen. Things so horrid the bravest mind cowers, burying the memories deep. They only crawl out in the weakest hours, dragging one back, covered in cold sweat, unheard screams echoing. Physical wounds can be healed. But, sometimes the mental ones have no easy cures.
> 
> ...




I don't know myself but sounds like Disir is right, Wiki says; 

_Although the Tohono O’odham were previously known as the *Papago,* (meaning "tepary-bean eater"), they have largely rejected this name. It was applied to them by conquistadores who had heard them called this by other Piman bands that were very competitive with the Tohono O’odham. The term Papago derives from Ba:bawĭkoʼa, meaning "eating tepary beans." That word was pronounced papago by the Spanish._

Serialising novels in interest-focused magazines is one route first time novelists take. 109,000 words would be 15-20 average length short stories. Ever thought about that route? Good luck.

Might be some ideas here.


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## Compost (Dec 6, 2015)

eagle1462010 said:


> longknife said:
> 
> 
> > I thought I had a publisher for this, but after 5 months of waiting, they decided it did not fit their book list. So, I've got to go through the process of either finding a literary agent or a publisher. This is what is called a query designed to gain interest in the novels.
> ...


If you feel the urge to write, go for it.  Like anything else, you get better the more you do it.  It sounds like you realize how difficult it is.  Humility is a great asset, so is perseverance.   Best of luck.


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## eagle1462010 (Dec 6, 2015)

Compost said:


> eagle1462010 said:
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> > longknife said:
> ...


I was just trying to re-write the first part of his OP.............nothing more................attempting to make it less dry.................

Thanks though.


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## Compost (Dec 6, 2015)

eagle1462010 said:


> Compost said:
> 
> 
> > eagle1462010 said:
> ...


Oh.  Sorry.  I goofed.  I wasn't paying close attention to who was editing and thought I was talking to the OP.  Good effort, Eagle.


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## Compost (Dec 6, 2015)

eagle1462010 said:


> Compost said:
> 
> 
> > eagle1462010 said:
> ...


Oh.  Sorry.  I goofed.  I wasn't paying close attention to who was editing and thought I was talking to the OP.  Good effort, Eagle.


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## Likkmee (Dec 6, 2015)

eagle1462010 said:


> longknife said:
> 
> 
> > I thought I had a publisher for this, but after 5 months of waiting, they decided it did not fit their book list. So, I've got to go through the process of either finding a literary agent or a publisher. This is what is called a query designed to gain interest in the novels.
> ...


Nice stabbing !
Hmmmmmmmmm
Just a little pin prick
There'll be no more........ aaaaaaaah!
But you may feel a little sick

Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working, good
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on, it's time to go.

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying

Roger ;-)


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## longknife (Dec 7, 2015)

Please remember, this is a query letter - a quick hype to get the attention of a literary agent or a publisher. And yes, I've rewritten and rewritten it many, many times. Here's the latest try:

Staff Sergeant Ray Daniels awakens from nothingness, wounded both physically and mentally. He feels the aches and pains of his physical injuries healing. But not the mental ones. He doesn't know who he is, where he's from, and whether he has a family. All he knows is that the doctors told him he was injured in Afghanistan. Unlike the other patients, no one visits him. No family. No friends. He is alone.

Even the bravest mind cowers and entombs memories when confronted with unbearable horrors. Ray's memories only crawl out during his weakest hours, and when they do, they drag him awake, covered in cold sweat and shaking from unheard screams.

Frustrated, he leaves the hospital and finds himself in a truck stop outside of South Tuscon, Arizona. There, he's noticed by an ex-Green Beret veteran of the Vietnam War. Joe Redmond recognizes the blankness in the young soldier's eyes. He's an elder of the Tohono O'odham (Papago) Tribe and takes Ray in, seeking to heal him using traditional know-how.

Sonora Symphony is a contemporary novel of 109,000 words that approaches PTSD from a unique perspective. Ray's immersed in nature, given healthful and healing foods, and has his dark thoughts diverted with tales and lore of American Indians. All takes place in the Sonora Desert of southern Arizona.

Ray takes part in an ancient ritual on Baboquivari, the sacred mountain. It leads to a fork in his life's road. One leads to the World Above and the other to his future.



There is a completed sequel, Tsalagi (Cha-lah-ghee) Tales. When Sergeant Daniels learns his Cherokee Father, Irish Mother, and Vietnamese adopted sister were killed, he sets out to discover how and by whom. In doing so, he and Janis Catsclaw, an aspiring Cherokee healer, unlock the mystery of an international plot to murder Vietnam War Vets and take their property.


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## IsaacNewton (Dec 7, 2015)

longknife said:


> Please remember, this is a query letter - a quick hype to get the attention of a literary agent or a publisher. And yes, I've rewritten and rewritten it many, many times. Here's the latest try:
> 
> Staff Sergeant Ray Daniels awakens from nothingness, wounded both physically and mentally. He feels the aches and pains of his physical injuries healing. But not the mental ones. He doesn't know who he is, where he's from, and whether he has a family. All he knows is that the doctors told him he was injured in Afghanistan. Unlike the other patients, no one visits him. No family. No friends. He is alone.
> 
> ...



I don't know about books but for a movie script or screenplay there is what is called a 'log line', a very brief concise synopsis of the story. It generally shouldn't be more than two paragraphs as studios, producers, and their subordinates get thousands of submissions. So if they look at a submission and it appears to be too long it is trashed many times, unless the first line or two just cannot be ignored.

I would shorten your description. Rewrite it a hundred times if needed. Having people read it and comment, like what you are doing here, is a good idea. Have you had many people read your book? Do so. Writing isn't a 'I've written it and its done' type thing. Revision is mandatory.

Sylvester Stalone wrote the screenplay for Rocky. After the movie was made he said they used about 10% of the screenplay he wrote. Now movies are far more collaborative than books, but feedback is needed for sure on both.


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