# Ask Joe (a new advice column just for USMB members)



## IlarMeilyr

It started HERE:  



Amelia said:


> As usual Avg-Joe got stuck sweeping up the ribbons and wine bottles after Scat and C_K's orgy.  Dot, Wake and Ropey got invites but not Joe.  No one ever thinks of asking Joe.



It got me to thinking (both unusual in its own right and potentially dangerous).  Why not have an advice forum?

Naturally, I thought of Joe.  Of course, I can't say I ASKED him.     But I volunteered him just the same.  

Consider Avg-Joe your New Dear Abby.

Ask Joe!


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## g5000

Hey, Joe.  Where you going with that gun in your hand?


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## AVG-JOE

Texas for a play-date.  

Should be fun


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## Baruch Menachem

Is your average the mean or  the mode?   How much  is your standard deviation?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Never mean - always tactful; and the deviation is slightly above average at seven and a half.


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## MeBelle

I think this should be moved to the lounge.


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## Statistikhengst

Hey, Joe, my alien friends from Xenakis IV are hesistant to reveal themselves to most earthlings. I'm trying to get them to go forth with first contact.

What would you say to them?


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## Statistikhengst

Definitely should go into the lounge....


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## percysunshine

Dear Joe: Which brand of coffee is the best?


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## strollingbones

son will be 31 ish or 32 ish..damn i guess a good mother would know let me think....omg 32 ish....this year..he is dating a young lady who just passed the va bar....oddly we all live in nc.....so dude...when do i get grandkids?  i mean damn i am even using the ....i am old and dying line and it gets me nowhere?  so when?  and i want a decent date?


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## AVG-JOE

Statistikhengst said:


> Hey, Joe, my alien friends from Xenakis IV are hesistant to reveal themselves to most earthlings. I'm trying to get them to go forth with first contact.
> 
> What would you say to them?



"Welcome!"  

"Please read the USMB Rules and Guidelines before posting."
​


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## Statistikhengst

AVG-JOE said:


> Statistikhengst said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey, Joe, my alien friends from Xenakis IV are hesistant to reveal themselves to most earthlings. I'm trying to get them to go forth with first contact.
> 
> What would you say to them?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> "Welcome!"
> 
> "Please read the USMB Rules and Guidelines  before posting."
> ​
Click to expand...




Ok, I'll pass that along to them.


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## AVG-JOE

percysunshine said:


> Dear Joe: Which brand of coffee is the best?



Taste in coffee, like preferences in religion, is strictly a matter of opinion and there is no wrong answer.

*My* current favorite is a French roasted bean from Rwanda.


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## AVG-JOE

strollingbones said:


> son will be 31 ish or 32 ish..damn i guess a good mother would know let me think....omg 32 ish....this year..he is dating a young lady who just passed the va bar....oddly we all live in nc.....so dude...when do i get grandkids?  i mean damn i am even using the ....i am old and dying line and it gets me nowhere?  so when?  and i want a decent date?



If you want a decent date, try using lines like "spunky and moist" over "old and dying".


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## Amelia




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## Coyote

Dear Joe,

My monkey has fleas.  How do I get rid of them?


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## norwegen

Coyote said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> My monkey has fleas. How do I get rid of them?


Joe says sell your monkey.

 Right, Joe?


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## Sarah G

Why you sleepin' with ya eyes closed?

Love,

Destiny's Child


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## BlackSand

Dear Joe,

Should I figure out a new way to dust the window blinds ... Or just buy new ones?

.


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## AVG-JOE

Coyote said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> My monkey has fleas.  How do I get rid of them?


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## AVG-JOE

norwegen said:


> Coyote said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> My monkey has fleas. How do I get rid of them?
> 
> 
> 
> Joe says sell your Monkey.
> 
> Right, Joe?
Click to expand...


ALWAYS be prepared to sell yourself, Brother!  

Just make sure you get what you're worth for the job.


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## AVG-JOE

Sarah G said:


> Why you sleepin' with ya eyes closed?
> 
> Love,
> 
> Destiny's Child



  How else am I to dream of you, sweet Sarah?


----------



## AVG-JOE

BlackSand said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> Should I figure out a new way to dust the window blinds ... Or just buy new ones?
> 
> .




Have you tried a pressure washer?


  Take them outside first. 
There's a good idea.  ​


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## AVG-JOE

If You ladies can't count on house-cleaning tips from Briggs & Stratton, who can you count on?
​


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## percysunshine

Dear Joe:

 I really need your advice.  I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. 

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'just some friends from work, you don't know them.' I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my motorcycle so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the cam cover had a hairline crack.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealership where I bought it?

Thanks.


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## AVG-JOE

percysunshine said:


> Dear Joe:
> 
> I really need your advice.  I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
> 
> My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'just some friends from work, you don't know them.' I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
> 
> Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my motorcycle so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the cam cover had a hairline crack.
> 
> Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealership where I bought it?
> 
> Thanks.



The answer to both of your dilemmas is the same:  It depends on the skills you're packin', and what you've got in the way of tool(s).
​


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## AVG-JOE




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## Statistikhengst

Dear Joe,

I have two offers for an intensive Thai-massage, one full massage from a lovely Thai girl, the other the same massage with a $20.99 Ronco Vegamatic thrown in for just $50.99 extra.

Which deal should I take??


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## AVG-JOE

The first thing you're going to want to do is insist on a government-issued ID so you can verify that the Thai girl yoar talking to is a grown-up.

Just remember... it's amazing how long you can stretch things out when you've got money.


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## eagle1462010

Joe.............

Why do we drive on a Parkway and Park in a Driveway..............

I'm confused.................


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## AVG-JOE

eagle1462010 said:


> Joe.............
> 
> Why do we drive on a Parkway and Park in a Driveway..............
> 
> I'm confused.................



It's the fault of the British and their ongoing bastardization of the American tongue.  

Same reason shipping terms are so obscure.  Some things you don't try to make sense of, you just use your spell-check and move on.


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## IlarMeilyr

Dear Joe:

My wife seems like she's in an amorous mood.

What's my next best move?

Sleepless in Seattle


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## IlarMeilyr

Joe:

I am searching for an EFFECTIVE hashtag comment.

Got any helpful hints?

Sleepless in Seattle.


(Oh shit.  This isn't Seattle?)


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## Sarah G

Dear Joe,

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?


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## IlarMeilyr

Sarah G said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?



Or would it just lead to a point deduction for non-synchronicity?


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## Sarah G

IlarMeilyr said:


> Dear Joe:
> 
> My wife seems like she's in an amorous mood.
> 
> What's my next best move?
> 
> Sleepless in Seattle



Ha!  I think you asked the right guy that question.


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## WorldWatcher

IlarMeilyr said:


> Dear Joe:
> 
> My wife seems like she's in an amorous mood.
> 
> What's my next best move?
> 
> Sleepless in Seattle




Tell her to put her clothes back on and come home from the neighbors house.



>>>>>


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## AVG-JOE

IlarMeilyr said:


> Dear Joe:
> 
> My wife seems like she's in an amorous mood.
> 
> What's my next best move?
> 
> Sleepless in Seattle



Extreme caution!  
_"Watch out boy, she'll chew you up!"
_​


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## AVG-JOE

IlarMeilyr said:


> Joe:
> 
> I am searching for an EFFECTIVE hashtag comment.
> 
> Got any helpful hints?
> 
> Sleepless in Seattle.
> 
> 
> (Oh shit.  This isn't Seattle?)




​​
  You had *ME* at #AmorousWife, but I'm not your average twitdiot.


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## AVG-JOE

Sarah G said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?



Like everything in life, it depends on training and commitment to the relationship.  I can see passion running that deep in Monkeys.



If you mean among Dolphins, probably not.


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## eagle1462010

HELP........HELP......

My boat went down in Shark Infested Waters..........

I'm treading Water now, but the Sharks are all over the place.

What should I do Joe....................


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## AVG-JOE

IlarMeilyr said:


> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Or would it just lead to a point deduction for non-synchronicity?
Click to expand...


THAT would depend on the judgement of the judges.  Judges are usually Monkeys and Monkeys are fickle creatures.

  Pass on that action!


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## percysunshine

eagle1462010 said:


> HELP........HELP......
> 
> My boat went down in Shark Infested Waters..........
> 
> I'm treading Water now, but the Sharks are all over the place.
> 
> What should I do Joe....................



You have an internet connection in the middle of the Pacific ocean?

Awesome service provider.


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## eagle1462010

percysunshine said:


> eagle1462010 said:
> 
> 
> 
> HELP........HELP......
> 
> My boat went down in Shark Infested Waters..........
> 
> I'm treading Water now, but the Sharks are all over the place.
> 
> What should I do Joe....................
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You have an internet connection in the middle of the Pacific ocean?
> 
> Awesome service provider.
Click to expand...


Water proof to boot............


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## BlackSand

Dear Joe,

I have a close friend running for Police Jury in my district.
He is smart, honest and would probably do a decent job.

The person who currently holds the position has far more experience in the position.
Although we aren't friends ... He has taken care of two requests when I called and asked.
He had a speed limit sign moved down the road and out from in front of my house.
He sent a crew out to fix a sinking culvert on the Parish rightaway between the road and one of my gates.

Both requests were taken care of quickly (within a week of my initial call) ... And no questions asked.
The Juror took care of things with no reward other than a "Thank You" ... He technically didn't have to do either when I requested.

My good friend would probably do a good job ... But he wants the Police Jury position to use as a stepping stone towards his goal to eventually run for Mayor.
I want to help my friend ... But I certainly don't have a problem with the man who currently holds the position.
He has been on the Police Jury for a while ... And I don't know about getting rid of him just so my friend can cruise through on to something bigger.

Do I stick with tried and true ... Or do I support my friend in his ambitions?
If my friend asks me to support his campaign ... Or if I am even going to vote for him ... How do I handle that?

.


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## AVG-JOE

eagle1462010 said:


> HELP........HELP......
> 
> My boat went down in Shark Infested Waters..........
> 
> I'm treading Water now, but the Sharks are all over the place.
> 
> What should I do Joe....................




  Somebody call 9-1-1!!!





  Get a bigger boat seems like too little, too late in the way of advice Bro', but there it is:  If the Coastguard finds your ass and you survive, get a bigger boat.

​


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## AVG-JOE

To the men and women of The US Coast Guard!


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## AVG-JOE

BlackSand said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> I have a close friend running for Police Jury in my district.
> He is smart, honest and would probably do a decent job.
> 
> The person who currently holds the position has far more experience in the position.
> Although we aren't friends ... He has taken care of two requests when I called and asked.
> He had a speed limit sign moved down the road and out from in front of my house.
> He sent a crew out to fix a sinking culvert on the Parish rightaway between the road and one of my gates.
> 
> Both requests were taken care of quickly (within a week of my initial call) ... And no questions asked.
> The Juror took care of things with no reward other than a "Thank You" ... He technically didn't have to do either when I requested.
> 
> My good friend would probably do a good job ... But he wants the Police Jury position to use as a stepping stone towards his goal to eventually run for Mayor.
> I want to help my friend ... But I certainly don't have a problem with the man who currently holds the position.
> He has been on the Police Jury for a while ... And I don't know about getting rid of him just so my friend can cruise through on to something bigger.
> 
> Do I stick with tried and true ... Or do I support my friend in his ambitions?
> If my friend asks me to support his campaign ... Or if I am even going to vote for him ... How do I handle that?
> 
> .



First a question...  What do *you* want?  Do you want friends, or acquaintances who owe you political favors?

Let your destination dictate the path.


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## BlackSand

AVG-JOE said:


> BlackSand said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> I have a close friend running for Police Jury in my district.
> He is smart, honest and would probably do a decent job.
> 
> The person who currently holds the position has far more experience in the position.
> Although we aren't friends ... He has taken care of two requests when I called and asked.
> He had a speed limit sign moved down the road and out from in front of my house.
> He sent a crew out to fix a sinking culvert on the Parish rightaway between the road and one of my gates.
> 
> Both requests were taken care of quickly (within a week of my initial call) ... And no questions asked.
> The Juror took care of things with no reward other than a "Thank You" ... He technically didn't have to do either when I requested.
> 
> My good friend would probably do a good job ... But he wants the Police Jury position to use as a stepping stone towards his goal to eventually run for Mayor.
> I want to help my friend ... But I certainly don't have a problem with the man who currently holds the position.
> He has been on the Police Jury for a while ... And I don't know about getting rid of him just so my friend can cruise through on to something bigger.
> 
> Do I stick with tried and true ... Or do I support my friend in his ambitions?
> If my friend asks me to support his campaign ... Or if I am even going to vote for him ... How do I handle that?
> 
> .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> First a question...  What do *you* want?  Do you want friends, or acquaintances who owe you political favors?
> 
> Let your destination dictate the path.
Click to expand...


Of course I want friends ... But I also have loyalty towards people who do their job correctly and who have already demonstrated their desire and ability to serve their constituents. 

Thanks for your input though ... I will vote for the person I think is a better candidate.
If it costs me a friendship ... Then so be it.

.


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## Pop23

Dear Joe:

If everyone on the earth orgasmed simultaneously could we change our planets orbital track?

Also, if I spank my monkey, will he behave better on long trips?

Sincerely,

Pop23


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## MeBelle

omg Pops...


Dear Joe:

My DD got me a bag of Hershey kisses, just because she loves me.

However she left the bag in a very warm car and the Kisses have taken a shape never before seen by monkey.

I see the benefits of having to pull every tiny piece of foil and Hershey tag off of every candy but it gets dam tiring.

What advice can you give me?

PS-Stop eating chocolate is NOT advice.


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## theDoctorisIn

This thread is the best.


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## Sarah G

Dear Joe,

Which do you prefer, odd numbers or even numbers?

Sarah G


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## RosieS

Darling Joe,

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?

One....Two.....Tha-ree....

Regards from Rosie


----------



## Sarah G

Dear Joe,

If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?

Sarah G


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## Sarah G

Dear Joe,

Boxers or briefs? (Sorry, just had to ask that).

Sarah G


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## WorldWatcher

MeBelle60 said:


> omg Pops...
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> My DD got me a bag of Hershey kisses, just because she loves me.
> 
> However she left the bag in a very warm car and the Kisses have taken a shape never before seen by monkey.
> 
> I see the benefits of having to pull every tiny piece of foil and Hershey tag off of every candy but it gets dam tiring.
> 
> What advice can you give me?
> 
> PS-Stop eating chocolate is NOT advice.




Put the Kisses in a warm oven at 150 degrees for 10 minutes.  Take out of the oven and mash with a fork.  Pour the liquid chocolate into the bottom of a rectangular storage dish using the fork to keep the aluminum wrappers in the bowl.  Let cool.  Pop the chocolate out of the dish.

Enjoy your Hersey's Chocolate Bar.



Proving the old adage that if all you have is sloppy kisses, just go to the bar instead.



>>>>


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## WorldWatcher

Sarah G said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> Boxers or briefs? (Sorry, just had to ask that).
> 
> Sarah G




Any real man would answer Commando.



>>>>


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## Esmeralda

Statistikhengst said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Statistikhengst said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey, Joe, my alien friends from Xenakis IV are hesistant to reveal themselves to most earthlings. I'm trying to get them to go forth with first contact.
> 
> What would you say to them?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> "Welcome!"
> 
> "Please read the http://www.usmessageboard.com/annou...48-usmb-rules-and-guidelines.html#post6790048 before posting."
> ​
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ok, I'll pass that along to them.
Click to expand...


They are so cute!


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## Esmeralda

Can you please tell me what has happened to baton twirling?  It's as if it never existed.


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## Esmeralda

Dear Joe,

Who put the bomp
In the bomp bah bomp bah bomp?
Who put the ram
In the rama lama ding dong?
Who put the bop
In the bop shoo bop shoo bop?
Who put the dip
In the dip da dip da dip?
Who was that man?
I'd like to shake his hand

(It wasn't Jesus was it?  )


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pop23 said:


> Dear Joe:
> 
> If everyone on the earth orgasmed simultaneously could we change our planets orbital track?
> 
> Also, if I spank my monkey, will he behave better on long trips?
> 
> Sincerely,
> 
> Pop23



1.  I don't know - but I'm willing to participate in an experiment.

2.  I don't know - mine always behaves best when someone else spanks it.  Especially on long trips.


----------



## Statistikhengst

Dear Joe,

Can racoons twerk?


----------



## AVG-JOE

MeBelle60 said:


> omg Pops...
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> My DD got me a bag of Hershey kisses, just because she loves me.
> 
> However she left the bag in a very warm car and the Kisses have taken a shape never before seen by monkey.
> 
> I see the benefits of having to pull every tiny piece of foil and Hershey tag off of every candy but it gets dam tiring.
> 
> What advice can you give me?
> 
> PS-Stop eating chocolate is NOT advice.



First thought that comes to my mind is a microwave oven and a colander.
  Then I remembered you said "foil"!​
Colander (or other strainer) and a _double boiler_!


----------



## AVG-JOE

Or you could get off your cheap butt and go meet a friend for mocha.


----------



## Pop23

Dear Joe:

What does it really sound like when a dove cries?

Regards

Pop23

P.S.

Why is beer so darn yummy?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Sarah G said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> Which do you prefer, odd numbers or even numbers?
> 
> Sarah G



  Gosh!

I never really thought about it.... rare indeed are the days that I'm asked for _my_ preferences.  Aren't you just the sweetest!



Even numbers.  I prefer even numbers.
I don't know why  ​


----------



## AVG-JOE

RosieS said:


> Darling Joe,
> 
> How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?
> 
> One....Two.....Tha-ree....
> 
> Regards from Rosie



That depends on the skills of the licker, my dear   

My personal best is twelve.  ​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Sarah G said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?
> 
> Sarah G




There's an ap for that.


`​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Sarah G said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> Boxers or briefs? (Sorry, just had to ask that).
> 
> Sarah G



Like with most Monkeys, boxers, briefs or neither depends on the party I'm dressing for.


----------



## Pop23

Dear Joe:

Do you ever wish you were a real newspaper reporter and not just writing advice columns? ( not that there's anything wrong with that)

Best wishes

Pop23


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> Can you please tell me what has happened to baton twirling?  It's as if it never existed.



When the 2012 championships came down to a sudden death twirl-off between this guy and Justin Bieber, the bottom simply fell out of the fan base and the sport never recovered.

​
Nobody blames this guy  ^​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> Who put the bomp
> In the bomp bah bomp bah bomp?
> Who put the ram
> In the rama lama ding dong?
> Who put the bop
> In the bop shoo bop shoo bop?
> Who put the dip
> In the dip da dip da dip?
> Who was that man?
> I'd like to shake his hand
> 
> (It wasn't Jesus was it?  )



The Landscaper?  


Though Jesus IS cool....  Nobody can trim a bush like Jesus....  'cept for maybe Juan.

Anyhoo - I think the answer to your question is Barry.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Or is it Sir Paul McCartney who's responsible for all the Silly Love Songs...


----------



## AVG-JOE

Statistikhengst said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> Can racoons twerk?



Only racoons with actual jobs or guns can twerk.  Congress made sure of that in 1873


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pop23 said:


> Dear Joe:
> 
> What does it really sound like when a dove cries?
> 
> Regards
> 
> Pop23
> 
> P.S.
> 
> Why is beer so darn yummy?



It sounds weirdly like women drooling.



And beer is yummy because Monkeys are smarter than they look from space.
​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pop23 said:


> Dear Joe:
> 
> Do you ever wish you were a real newspaper reporter and not just writing advice columns? ( not that there's anything wrong with that)
> 
> Best wishes
> 
> Pop23




When I'm imaginary, I'm everything.


`​


----------



## Esmeralda

I am just wondering about belt buckles. I have a phobia about belt buckles.  Don't know where it comes from. I have never had any confrontation or feud with a belt buckle in the past, but they give me the heeby jeebies.  

Any advice?

(Do you think there is something Freudian going on?  )


----------



## AVG-JOE

Probably Freudian... First a couple of questions... is it belt buckles constricting your waist that cause distress, or belt buckels on other people?

In either case, is it a fear that the buckles will come undone, spilling out their hidden treasures, or fear that they won't?

How do you feel about shoes for pilgrims?


----------



## Esmeralda

AVG-JOE said:


> Probably Freudian... First a couple of questions... is it belt buckles constricting your waist that cause distress, or belt buckels on other people?
> 
> In either case, is it a fear that the buckles will come undone, spilling out their hidden treasures, or fear that they won't?
> 
> *How do you feel about shoes for pilgrims?*




Oh, gosh!  How did you know??


----------



## Derideo_Te

Hey Joe,

Been meaning to get around to asking you for so long that I forgot.

So can you tell me what it was that I was going to ask you in the first place?


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Joe:

How many images should the typical user put into the signature line of his posts?

What are the benefits?

Any counter considerations worthy of note?

Sleepless in Muldavia


----------



## Derideo_Te

IlarMeilyr said:


> Joe:
> 
> *How many images should the typical user put into the signature line of his posts?*
> 
> What are the benefits?
> 
> Any counter considerations worthy of note?
> 
> Sleepless in Muldavia



You mean like the two new ones I just added of AVG-JOE and you, IlarMeilyr?


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Derideo_Te said:


> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> Joe:
> 
> *How many images should the typical user put into the signature line of his posts?*
> 
> What are the benefits?
> 
> Any counter considerations worthy of note?
> 
> Sleepless in Muldavia
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You mean like the two new ones I just added of [MENTION=9429]AVG-JOE[/MENTION] and you, [MENTION=42714]IlarMeilyr[/MENTION]?
Click to expand...


Yes.  Like those.  I understand that some members have a set point beyond which they will place other members on "ignore."  That could be a good thing, of course, for those getting ignored.  So, I need Joe's advice to figure out the pros and cons.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Derideo_Te said:


> Hey Joe,
> 
> Been meaning to get around to asking you for so long that I forgot.
> 
> So can you tell me what it was that I was going to ask you in the first place?



Dude... I'm good, but I'm not God.
​


----------



## AVG-JOE

IlarMeilyr said:


> Joe:
> 
> How many images should the typical user put into the signature line of his posts?
> 
> What are the benefits?
> 
> Any counter considerations worthy of note?
> 
> Sleepless in Muldavia




As a *Moderator*, I have to defer to the USMB Rules and Guidelines and remind EVERYONE to keep their signatures under ten lines of standard text tall no matter how many linked images there are.

As a *Member* who can barely figure out the word processor, I'm both impressed and confused by such tech shenanigans.


----------



## strollingbones

4 or more and dot com will say he will iggy you...but it does not work


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> Probably Freudian... First a couple of questions... is it belt buckles constricting your waist that cause distress, or belt buckels on other people?
> 
> In either case, is it a fear that the buckles will come undone, spilling out their hidden treasures, or fear that they won't?
> 
> *How do you feel about shoes for pilgrims?*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Oh, gosh!  How did you know??
Click to expand...


Just a lucky guess...

I'm a lucky Monkey.


----------



## Statistikhengst

Dear Joe,

how can you tell the difference between a lucky monkey and an unlucky monkey?


----------



## Sarah G

Dear Joe,

Even tho I'm clueless about the topic of monkeys that continues to appear in your column, I'm slightly repulsed.

Why is that?


----------



## Esmeralda

Sarah G said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> Even tho I'm clueless about the topic of monkeys that continues to appear in your column, I'm slightly repulsed.
> 
> Why is that?



I wouldn't be surprised if it had something to do with belt buckles.


----------



## MeBelle

strollingbones said:


> 4 or more and dot com will say he will iggy you...but it does not work



That's not a question!


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Statistikhengst said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> how can you tell the difference between a lucky monkey and an unlucky monkey?



The lucky monkey is the one with luck?

And, let's be real here.  Is that what Joe would have said if this were his answer?


----------



## Derideo_Te

IlarMeilyr said:


> Statistikhengst said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> how can you tell the difference between a lucky monkey and an unlucky monkey?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The lucky monkey is the one with luck?
> 
> And, let's be real here.  Is that what Joe would have said if this were his answer?
Click to expand...


In Joe's absence allow me to clarify the difference between monkey and Monkey. 

As Joe put it, sentience matters. 

We are Monkeys who are lucky enough to have figured out how to fling our dung at each other via the internet.


----------



## Statistikhengst

Derideo_Te said:


> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Statistikhengst said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> how can you tell the difference between a lucky monkey and an unlucky monkey?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The lucky monkey is the one with luck?
> 
> And, let's be real here.  Is that what Joe would have said if this were his answer?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> In Joe's absence allow me to clarify the difference between monkey and Monkey.
> 
> As Joe put it, sentience matters.
> 
> We are Monkeys who are lucky enough to have figured out how to fling our dung at each other via the internet.
Click to expand...


Oh, I thought the lucky monkey is the one to get laid the most....


----------



## Derideo_Te

Statistikhengst said:


> Derideo_Te said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> The lucky monkey is the one with luck?
> 
> And, let's be real here.  Is that what Joe would have said if this were his answer?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> In Joe's absence allow me to clarify the difference between monkey and Monkey.
> 
> As Joe put it, sentience matters.
> 
> We are Monkeys who are lucky enough to have figured out how to fling our dung at each other via the internet.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Oh, I thought the lucky monkey is the one to get laid the most....
Click to expand...


It is the chickens that do the laying! You need to brush up on your Old McDonald Had a Farm.


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Statistikhengst said:


> Derideo_Te said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> The lucky monkey is the one with luck?
> 
> And, let's be real here.  Is that what Joe would have said if this were his answer?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> In Joe's absence allow me to clarify the difference between monkey and Monkey.
> 
> As Joe put it, sentience matters.
> 
> We are Monkeys who are lucky enough to have figured out how to fling our dung at each other via the internet.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Oh, I thought the lucky monkey is the one to get laid the most....
Click to expand...


A clear, level-headed and insightful proposition.


----------



## Statistikhengst

lol...

"one laid monkey in the bed is worth two in the bush"

-Joe the 8th, 2172, while vacationing on Risa Prime.


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Joe:

When the questions you get turn to [M]onkeys and sex and getting laid and so forth, do you ever take a pause and think to yourself (I have no idea how you might think to another person):

AIDS?

Sleepless in Uruaguay


----------



## Pop23

Dear Joe:

I ain't gonna bump no more with that big fat woman!

Does that make me a bad person?

Thanks in advance for your sage advice

Regards

Pop23


----------



## Pop23

Sarah G said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> Even tho I'm clueless about the topic of monkeys that continues to appear in your column, I'm slightly repulsed.
> 
> Why is that?



How do you feel about monkeys wearing belt buckles and pilgrim shoes?


----------



## Statistikhengst

Dear Joe,

why are all these people monkeying around with you??


(scratches head, eats a banana, swings to next tree).


Hmmmmm....


----------



## AVG-JOE

Statistikhengst said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> how can you tell the difference between a lucky monkey and an unlucky monkey?



Among monkeys?  Couldn't tell you.  They're cute creatures, but I can't relate to living in their skin. 

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1Eh6ulmeJ0]baby monkey nala gets a bath - YouTube[/ame]   

Now, _Monkeys_ are a different story.  You can tell the lucky Monkeys by their attitude.
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JgSHDY7AfM]Dance Monkeys Dance - YouTube[/ame]


----------



## AVG-JOE

Sarah G said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> Even tho I'm clueless about the topic of monkeys that continues to appear in your column, I'm slightly repulsed.
> 
> Why is that?



'Cause you didn't capitalize the 'M' in 'Monkeys'.


----------



## AVG-JOE

IlarMeilyr said:


> Statistikhengst said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> how can you tell the difference between a lucky monkey and an unlucky monkey?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The lucky monkey is the one with luck?
> 
> And, let's be real here.  Is that what Joe would have said if this were his answer?
Click to expand...

No.  But I like the way you're thinking!​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Derideo_Te said:


> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Statistikhengst said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> how can you tell the difference between a lucky monkey and an unlucky monkey?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The lucky monkey is the one with luck?
> 
> And, let's be real here.  Is that what Joe would have said if this were his answer?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> In Joe's absence allow me to clarify the difference between monkey and Monkey.
> 
> As Joe put it, sentience matters.
> 
> We are Monkeys who are lucky enough to have figured out how to fling our dung at each other via the internet.
Click to expand...




			
				The Mean Old USMB Software said:
			
		

> You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Derideo_Te again.



Bummer!


----------



## AVG-JOE

Statistikhengst said:


> Derideo_Te said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> The lucky monkey is the one with luck?
> 
> And, let's be real here.  Is that what Joe would have said if this were his answer?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> In Joe's absence allow me to clarify the difference between monkey and Monkey.
> 
> As Joe put it, sentience matters.
> 
> We are Monkeys who are lucky enough to have figured out how to fling our dung at each other via the internet.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Oh, I thought the lucky monkey is the one to get laid the most....
Click to expand...


That, my friend, is evidence of, not cause of.


----------



## Derideo_Te

Another question for Joe about us Monkeys.

If we are not the center of the universe then where is the center? 

Follow up question, how much are the seats at the center of the universe anyway?


----------



## Amelia

Every point is the center of the universe.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> Statistikhengst said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> "Welcome!"
> 
> "Please read the http://www.usmessageboard.com/annou...48-usmb-rules-and-guidelines.html#post6790048 before posting."
> ​
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ok, I'll pass that along to them.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> They are so cute!
Click to expand...


Naked too!   

Monkeys and their clothing... Don't get me started!!


----------



## AVG-JOE

IlarMeilyr said:


> Joe:
> 
> When the questions you get turn to [M]onkeys and sex and getting laid and so forth, do you ever take a pause and think to yourself (I have no idea how you might think to another person):
> 
> AIDS?
> 
> Sleepless in Uruaguay



Nope.  Never think about AIDS at all.  Like I said... I'm one lucky Monkey and I know it.

What's not to like?  21st Century middle-class American life:

>  Relatively safe food and water with pretty much 24/7/365 access to whatever I want.

>  Shared infrastructure that allows me to cross the country within hours in a private, chemically fueled vehicle, and go around the globe in hours if I'm willing to share the ride.

>  Air conditioning.  


We all bitch about how difficult it is to live under the tyrannical yoke of those fucking (insert your preferred political party to flame here) but, shame The Devil and tell the truth, life in 21st Century America ain't too bad for most of us.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pop23 said:


> Dear Joe:
> 
> I ain't gonna bump no more with that big fat woman!
> 
> Does that make me a bad person?
> 
> Thanks in advance for your sage advice
> 
> Regards
> 
> Pop23



The key is in the word 'that'.

By specifying a specific fat woman you plan to avoid, you revealed that you were not a bigoted hater of women in general, or of fat women in particular, just a regular guy who finally met a woman you don't want to have sex with.


  I hear there's a small club.  


`​


----------



## Sarah G

Dear Joe,

Hot make up sex or slow romantic sex?

Sarah G


----------



## Pop23

Dear Joe:

Thanks for all you great advice. I do have a serious question though

If righty is tighty and lefty is loosy, what is upsy and downsy. 

Signed

Pop23


----------



## AVG-JOE

Statistikhengst said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> why are all these people monkeying around with you??
> 
> 
> (scratches head, eats a banana, swings to next tree).
> 
> 
> Hmmmmm....



I don't know... I've always been one of those Monkeys who other Monkeys want to open up to.  My inner sociopath finds it a bit annoying, but the intellectual voice in my head understands the value, and the emotional voice is intrigued by the raw Monkey on Monkey mental contact.

Responsibilities of being a lucky Monkey.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Derideo_Te said:


> Another question for Joe about us Monkeys.
> 
> If we are not the center of the universe then where is the center?
> 
> Follow up question, how much are the seats at the center of the universe anyway?



The center of the universe can't be calculated until 'universe' is defined.  Monkeys get to define their own universe... it's part of the deal with Sentience.


If the tickets aren't free for all, I'm not going.
_"It's a free concert!"_​[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ov-m3iBaMNA]John Morris - Announcements - WOODSTOCK - YouTube[/ame]
Woodstock!  ​


----------



## RosieS

Sarah G said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> Hot make up sex or slow romantic sex?
> 
> Sarah G



And can you lick your eyebrows?

TIA

Regards from Rosie


----------



## AVG-JOE

Sarah G said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> Hot make up sex or slow romantic sex?
> 
> Sarah G



Hot make up sex *AND* slow romantic sex.  

​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pop23 said:


> Dear Joe:
> 
> Thanks for all you great advice. I do have a serious question though
> 
> If righty is tighty and lefty is loosy, what is upsy and downsy.
> 
> Signed
> 
> Pop23



Upsy and Downsy are two Dwarfs who got fired early in production.  Rumor was they were caught kissing, but nothing was ever proved.
Snow White was supposed to have 9 li'l sidekicks.​[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HI0x0KYChq4]Heigh Ho - Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs - YouTube[/ame]


----------



## AVG-JOE

RosieS said:


> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> Hot make up sex or slow romantic sex?
> 
> Sarah G
> 
> 
> 
> 
> And can you lick your eyebrows?
> 
> TIA
> 
> Regards from Rosie
Click to expand...




Some tasks require a friend.


----------



## Votto

Joe, which is best, briefs or boxers?


----------



## Statistikhengst

Joe, when undoing a female Monkey's bra whilst kissing, what is the best method: two hands, or just one??


----------



## AVG-JOE

Votto said:


> Joe, which is best, briefs or boxers?



Sometimes one, sometimes the other, many times neither.
  NEVER both!​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Statistikhengst said:


> Joe, when undoing a female Monkey's bra whilst kissing, what is the best method: two hands, or just one??



Clasp in the back:  practice until just two fingers and one thumb are all you need.

Clasp in the front:  use both hands and your tongue.

The real trick is determining where the clasp is in only two tries


----------



## Esmeralda

AVG-JOE said:


> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> Hot make up sex or slow romantic sex?
> 
> Sarah G
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Hot make up sex *AND* slow romantic sex.
> 
> ​
Click to expand...


Is that the rhythm method?


----------



## Esmeralda

Okay --  lamas or dramas -- which is best?


----------



## Statistikhengst

AVG-JOE said:


> Statistikhengst said:
> 
> 
> 
> Joe, when undoing a female Monkey's bra whilst kissing, what is the best method: two hands, or just one??
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Clasp in the back:  practice until just two fingers and one thumb are all you need.
> 
> Clasp in the front:  use both hands and your tongue.
> 
> The real trick is determining where the clasp is in only two tries
Click to expand...



I'll get to work on that right away, Herr Hauptmonkey!!!


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> Hot make up sex or slow romantic sex?
> 
> Sarah G
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Hot make up sex *AND* slow romantic sex.
> 
> ​
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Is that the rhythm method?
Click to expand...


I would say that it is *a* method...   And one with a certain rhythm... but *the* rhythm method?  No.


----------



## Votto

AVG-JOE said:


> Votto said:
> 
> 
> 
> Joe, which is best, briefs or boxers?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sometimes one, sometimes the other, many times neither.
> NEVER both!​
Click to expand...


Now see, that answer is far too vague.

I'm nothing but a sheep here man.  Where is my shepherd?

Baaa.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> Okay --  lamas or dramas -- which is best?



Depends on what the side dishes are... 
Either way, a sweet, pink blush is preferable to a bold red whine  ​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Votto said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Votto said:
> 
> 
> 
> Joe, which is best, briefs or boxers?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sometimes one, sometimes the other, many times neither.
> NEVER both!​
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Now see, that answer is far too vague.
> 
> I'm nothing but a sheep here man.  Where is my shepherd?
> 
> Baaa.
Click to expand...


Dude... man up, pick out your panties, and start your day.  And don't forget to floss.


----------



## Esmeralda

avg-joe said:


> esmeralda said:
> 
> 
> 
> okay --  lamas or dramas -- which is best?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> depends on what the side dishes are...
> either way, a sweet, pink blush is preferable to a bold red whine  ​
Click to expand...


lol


----------



## AVG-JOE

WorldWatcher said:


> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> My wife seems like she's in an amorous mood.
> 
> What's my next best move?
> 
> Sleepless in Seattle
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Tell her to put her clothes back on and come home from the neighbors house.
> 
> >>>>>
Click to expand...


It's not the neighbor...
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nj2700em-JQ]Joe Nichols - Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off - YouTube[/ame]


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pop23 said:


> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> Even tho I'm clueless about the topic of monkeys that continues to appear in your column, I'm slightly repulsed.
> 
> Why is that?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> How do you feel about monkeys wearing belt buckles and pilgrim shoes?
Click to expand...



I don't think that Monkeys should be dressing monkeys at all.  It's creepy.


`​


----------



## AVG-JOE

RosieS said:


> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> Hot make up sex or slow romantic sex?
> 
> Sarah G
> 
> 
> 
> 
> And can you lick your eyebrows?
> 
> TIA
> 
> Regards from Rosie
Click to expand...


Not without standing on a chair.


----------



## Sarah G

AVG-JOE said:


> RosieS said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> Hot make up sex or slow romantic sex?
> 
> Sarah G
> 
> 
> 
> 
> And can you lick your eyebrows?
> 
> TIA
> 
> Regards from Rosie
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Not without standing on a chair.
Click to expand...




Dear Joe,

Why oh why can't I stop watching Love It or List It?  

Sarah G


----------



## eagle1462010

Dear Joe.

In the next elections my choices suck.  I can't stand either one of them and would never buy a car from them.

How do I vote Joe.................

Should I flip a coin or something..............


----------



## Esmeralda

Dear Joe, why the preoccupation with monkeys? Do these people have jungle fever?


----------



## IlarMeilyr

AVG-JOE said:


> RosieS said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> Hot make up sex or slow romantic sex?
> 
> Sarah G
> 
> 
> 
> 
> And can you lick your eyebrows?
> 
> TIA
> 
> Regards from Rosie
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Not without standing on a chair.
Click to expand...


Joe:

Are you the famous guy whose advice was to lick your girlfriend's belly button 

from the inside?

Sleepless in Saskatchewan


----------



## Derideo_Te

Joe,

Have you reached the point yet where you want to smack the OP for creating this pesky thread?


----------



## Sarah G

Derideo_Te said:


> Joe,
> 
> Have you reached the point yet where you want to smack the OP for creating this pesky thread?



Noo, it's fun.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Sarah G said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> RosieS said:
> 
> 
> 
> And can you lick your eyebrows?
> 
> TIA
> 
> Regards from Rosie
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Not without standing on a chair.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> Why oh why can't I stop watching Love It or List It?
> 
> Sarah G
Click to expand...


Because you like it?


----------



## AVG-JOE

This thread wouldn't be the same without the '  ' emoticon.

Jus' sayin'...


----------



## koshergrl

Dear Joe:

How many socks do you have?

Is Stat one?
Sincerely yours,
koshergrl


----------



## Toro

IlarMeilyr said:


> Sleepless in Saskatchewan



*I'M* the only one who can say that here!


Well, I mean other than Ropey.


----------



## AVG-JOE

eagle1462010 said:


> Dear Joe.
> 
> In the next elections my choices suck.  I can't stand either one of them and would never buy a car from them.
> 
> How do I vote Joe.................
> 
> Should I flip a coin or something..............



Flipping a coin seems preferable to not participating... if that truly reflects your choice.
  I s'pose you could always move...​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> Dear Joe, why the preoccupation with monkeys? Do these people have jungle fever?



No... it's 'cause I am constantly referring to my fellow humans as 'Monkeys'.  With a capital 'M' for Sentience.

It truly is a term of endearment.  No offense intended.


----------



## AVG-JOE

IlarMeilyr said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> RosieS said:
> 
> 
> 
> And can you lick your eyebrows?
> 
> TIA
> 
> Regards from Rosie
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Not without standing on a chair.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Joe:
> 
> Are you the famous guy whose advice was to lick your girlfriend's belly button
> 
> from the inside?
> 
> Sleepless in Saskatchewan
Click to expand...


Probably not.... I'm not very famous.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Derideo_Te said:


> Joe,
> 
> Have you reached the point yet where you want to smack the OP for creating this pesky thread?



Nah...  I still get to write on my schedule - we'll have to see how many more duplicate queries there are.


----------



## AVG-JOE

koshergrl said:


> Dear Joe:
> 
> How many socks do you have?
> 
> Is Stat one?
> Sincerely yours,
> koshergrl



I can honestly say I've never had a sock.  Even what little time I spent posting on other boards, I was always [MENTION=9429]AVG-JOE[/MENTION].
  True Story!​


----------



## AVG-JOE

It's hard enough keeping up with my own bullshit, let alone trying to keep track of AVG-AlterEgo.


----------



## Esmeralda

AVG-JOE said:


> koshergrl said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> How many socks do you have?
> 
> Is Stat one?
> Sincerely yours,
> koshergrl
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I can honestly say I've never had a sock.  Even what little time I spent posting on other boards, I was always [MENTION=9429]AVG-JOE[/MENTION].
> True Story!​
Click to expand...


I'm thinking about mending socks.  What are your thoughts?


----------



## Derideo_Te

Joe,

I am thinking about starting a website for Single Socks to find Sole mates. Perhaps even a memorial site to honor all of those socks that lost their partners in the heat of dryers.

But it needs a catchy name. 

Sock Hop Mingle?

The Good, the Bad and the Smelly?

Sole-2-Sole?

Any ideas?

TYIA


----------



## Sarah G

AVG-JOE said:


> It hard enough keeping up with my own bullshit, let alone trying to keep track of AVG-AlterEgo.



I have a theory.  People who have socks can't have any other life to focus on.  I just know I'd screw something like that up with all of this other shit going on.

I don't care about socks anyway, we really don't know anybody here to begin with.  It's fun trying to figure them out.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Derideo_Te said:


> Joe,
> 
> I am thinking about starting a website for Single Socks to find Sole mates. Perhaps even a memorial site to honor all of those socks that lost their partners in the heat of dryers.
> 
> But it needs a catchy name.
> 
> Sock Hop Mingle?
> 
> The Good, the Bad and the Smelly?
> 
> Sole-2-Sole?
> 
> Any ideas?
> 
> TYIA



_"Sock it to me Baby!"_
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKdKReioXao]Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels - Sock it to Me, Baby ! - YouTube[/ame]


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> koshergrl said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> How many socks do you have?
> 
> Is Stat one?
> Sincerely yours,
> koshergrl
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I can honestly say I've never had a sock.  Even what little time I spent posting on other boards, I was always [MENTION=9429]AVG-JOE[/MENTION].
> True Story!​
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> I'm thinking about mending socks.  What are your thoughts?
Click to expand...


  I did NOT know that they were broken!


----------



## koshergrl

AVG-JOE said:


> koshergrl said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> How many socks do you have?
> 
> Is Stat one?
> Sincerely yours,
> koshergrl
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I can honestly say I've never had a sock.  Even what little time I spent posting on other boards, I was always  @AVG-JOE .  True Story!​
Click to expand...


Of course you can! I can say it too! I have never had a sock..see!
Which brings me to my next question: 

Dear Joe:

Which one of us is telling the truth?

Cordially, 

Kgrl


----------



## Derideo_Te

Sarah G said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> It hard enough keeping up with my own bullshit, let alone trying to keep track of AVG-AlterEgo.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I have a theory.  People who have socks can't have any other life to focus on.  I just know I'd screw something like that up with all of this other shit going on.
> 
> I don't care about socks anyway, we really don't know anybody here to begin with.  It's fun trying to figure them out.
Click to expand...


I have a theory too. Anyone who needs a sock is not an honest person to begin with. If they have to hide themselves behind a sock that means they have something to hide. Personally I have a problem with dishonesty. I don't lie to myself and I don't lie to others either. Socks are just an attempt by dishonest people to fool themselves into thinking that they can fool others about who and what they are. Never met anyone who was smart enough to maintain a sock facade without giving themselves away. 

So yes, you are right, Sarah. They don't have a real life to focus on if they are obsessed with trying to deceive others because that isn't a real life in my opinion. Like you I really don't care about socks. They are just a waste of time, energy and bandwidth.


----------



## Statistikhengst

Yepp.


----------



## NLT

Joe,
Can you create a gay mariiage forum for Bodey and Seawytch and all thier socks have a place all to thier own to post the endless gay marriage threads they pollute the rest of the board with.


----------



## AVG-JOE

koshergrl said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> koshergrl said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> How many socks do you have?
> 
> Is Stat one?
> Sincerely yours,
> koshergrl
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I can honestly say I've never had a sock.  Even what little time I spent posting on other boards, I was always  @AVG-JOE .
> True Story!​
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Of course you can! I can say it too! I have never had a sock..see!
> Which brings me to my next question:
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> Which one of us is telling the truth?
> 
> Cordially,
> 
> Kgrl
Click to expand...


I can only speak for me, kg. 
I have no clue as to what you do, and that's the way I like it...​


----------



## Statistikhengst

Dear Avg_JOE,

when the moon is in the seventh house,
and Jupiter aligns with Mars,

what happens next?

Galactically yours,

Monkey Stat


----------



## AVG-JOE

NLT said:


> Joe,
> Can you create a gay mariiage forum for Bodey and Seawytch and all thier socks have a place all to thier own to post the endless gay marriage threads they pollute the rest of the board with.



  Not exactly a request for advice there.  More like asking for favoritism   

Other than recommending a more liberal use of spell-check when you post, my only advise would be to get used to groups that you don't like using The US Constitution to get their rightful slice of The American Pie.

All means *All*, Brother.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Statistikhengst said:


> Dear Avg_JOE,
> 
> when the moon is in the seventh house,
> and Jupiter aligns with Mars,
> 
> what happens next?
> 
> Galactically yours,
> 
> Monkey Stat



_"Then peace will guide the planets, and love will rule the stars."_
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjxSCAalsBE]The 5th Dimension Age of Aquarius 1969 - YouTube[/ame]

But first there's this little matter of a Fair and Simple Tax Code.​


Fly Monkeys!


----------



## Vandalshandle

Dear Joe,
What is the meaning of life?


----------



## Statistikhengst

Vandalshandle said:


> Dear Joe,
> What is the meaning of life?




*42!!!*


Uh, sorry Joe, that just jumped right out of my Monkey-chest.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Dear Joe,
> What is the meaning of life?



Evolving to the point of asking that question.  

That's the dream of every Star:  To oversee a wet rock in space that grows a living goo that one day understands that very question.

Once that happens, the Stars themselves become the Monkeys limit.

No pressure, Kids.


----------



## Sarah G

Hey Joe,

Where is the Love?

Sarah G

​


----------



## Statistikhengst

AVG-JOE said:


> Statistikhengst said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Avg_JOE,
> 
> when the moon is in the seventh house,
> and Jupiter aligns with Mars,
> 
> what happens next?
> 
> Galactically yours,
> 
> Monkey Stat
> 
> 
> 
> 
> _"Then peace will guide the planets, and love will rule the stars."_
> [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjxSCAalsBE]The 5th Dimension Age of Aquarius 1969 - YouTube[/ame]
> 
> But first there's this little matter of a Fair and Simple Tax Code.​
> 
> 
> Fly Monkeys!
Click to expand...



Yo, fly, Monkeys!


----------



## Vandalshandle

Dear Joe,

If a train leaves New York at 8 AM, and travels 50 MPH towards Chicago, and a train leaves Chicago at 7 AM traveling 45 MPH to New York, at what point in time will the traffic controllers who put both trains on the same track be fired? Keep in mind that the controllers work for AMTRACK.


----------



## Sarah G

Hey Joe,

Is this the real life, is it just fantasy?

Sarah G

​


----------



## Derideo_Te

Dear Joe,

What if we Monkeys do reach the stars and discover that they are no different at all?

What happens then?


----------



## Harry Dresden

hey Joe....is it true that You can observe a lot just by watching?....


----------



## AVG-JOE

> Hey Joe,
> 
> Where is the Love?
> 
> Sarah G
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpYeekQkAdc​



Step one in that question is to define love.  'Love', like 'God', has as many definitions as are necessary to prevent insanity, depending on the circumstances of a given moment in Time in the life of the Monkey experiencing 'Love'.

What kind of love are we looking for, Sarah?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> If a train leaves New York at 8 AM, and travels 50 MPH towards Chicago, and a train leaves Chicago at 7 AM traveling 45 MPH to New York, at what point in time will the traffic controllers who put both trains on the same track be fired? Keep in mind that the controllers work for AMTRACK.



I imagine that point would be the point of impact.  







​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Sarah G said:


> Hey Joe,
> 
> Is this the real life, is it just fantasy?
> 
> Sarah G
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ9rUzIMcZQ​




After organizing the evidence in _my_ mind, _my_ conclusion is that this is the only existence that I'm likely to experience, and I'm making the most of it.  
To each his/her own!  ​


The historic evidence leads me to believe that Monkey Spawn is our only living future.  
  We should be investing more in education...​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Derideo_Te said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> What if we Monkeys do reach the stars and discover that they are no different at all?
> 
> What happens then?



Hopefully the little bastards will look back on an AMAZING journey of discovery.
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcjzHMhBtf0]Journey - Don't Stop Believin' (Live in Houston) - YouTube[/ame]


----------



## AVG-JOE

Harry Dresden said:


> hey Joe....is it true that You can observe a lot just by watching?....



Yes.  But you can also observe with your eyes closed.

The eyes are for watching, the mind is for observing.


----------



## Esmeralda

Joe,

I'd really like the average Joe's opinion on this one, the man's opinion:


If a man is alone in the forest, and he says something, and there's no woman there to disagree with him, is he still wrong?

I am prepared to be open minded.


----------



## Esmeralda

Dear Joe,

How do you feel about socks and sandals?  I mean, what's the real bottom line here?  It is really just totally grotesque?  Oh, and also, going to bed with your socks on?  I am just having a lot of issues with socks.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> Joe,
> 
> I'd really like the average Joe's opinion on this one, the man's opinion:
> 
> 
> If a man is alone in the forest, and he says something, and there's no woman there to disagree with him, is he still wrong?
> 
> I am prepared to be open minded.



I do believe that men who're *alone* don't say anything at all.... but for mental exercise, let's ass-u-me...

Yes.  He's still wrong.  Ass-U-Me-ing he was wrong in the first place.  

It doesn't take a woman to make a man wrong, we're perfectly capable of doing that all on our own.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> How do you feel about socks and sandals?  I mean, what's the real bottom line here?  It is really just totally grotesque?  Oh, and also, going to bed with your socks on?  I am just having a lot of issues with socks.



The answers to all of your questions totally depend on the toes.  I say, "get a pedicure and strip down to your flip-flops, girl!!"
Jesus said.....  "Wash your feet!" ​


----------



## Harry Dresden

hey Joe....is it true the future ain't what it used to be?.......


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Joe:

Would you agree that notwithstanding the disagreement muttered by a person of the female persuasion, a man is often correct in what he says, thinks and believes?

Sleepless in Saratoga


----------



## alan1

Dear Joe,

My daughter is getting married on June 8th.
For the father of the bride wedding dance, should I lead or should I let the groom lead?
I've never danced with another man, so I am unsure what the proper protocol is in this situation.


----------



## Vandalshandle

Joe,

I have discovered that you have some serious competition in the business of answering people's questions:



The rumor is that Sammy Davis Jr. is already dead, but if not, do you want me to have Vito take care of this for you?


----------



## AVG-JOE

IlarMeilyr said:


> Joe:
> 
> Would you agree that notwithstanding the disagreement muttered by a person of the female persuasion, a man is often correct in what he says, thinks and believes?
> 
> Sleepless in Saratoga



Well, while 33% might be a terrific batting average in the Majors..........


----------



## AVG-JOE

Harry Dresden said:


> hey Joe....is it true the future ain't what it used to be?.......



Step one for this one would be to define "future".

My personal future changes with many of the personal decisions I make - Humanity as a whole?  Probably right on schedule


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Joe,
> 
> I have discovered that you have some serious competition in the business of answering people's questions:
> 
> You are Old Father William -- Allen (1985) - YouTube
> 
> 
> The rumor is that Sammy Davis Jr. is already dead, but if not, do you want me to have Vito take care of this for you?



Nah... can't have too many snarky answers to questions floating about, eh?


----------



## Sarah G

IlarMeilyr said:


> Joe:
> 
> Would you agree that notwithstanding the disagreement muttered by a person of the female persuasion, a man is often correct in what he says, thinks and believes?
> 
> Sleepless in Saratoga



I'll answer that.  No.


----------



## AVG-JOE

alan1 said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> My daughter is getting married on June 8th.
> For the father of the bride wedding dance, should I lead or should I let the groom lead?
> I've never danced with another man, so I am unsure what the proper protocol is in this situation.



You should take the lead.  Your son-in-law will be expecting it.  

After that you and your buddies can razz him about being 'expecting'.
  Good Times!​


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Sarah G said:


> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> Joe:
> 
> Would you agree that notwithstanding the disagreement muttered by a person of the female persuasion, a man is often correct in what he says, thinks and believes?
> 
> Sleepless in Saratoga
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I'll answer that.  No.
Click to expand...


^ This is why I was askin' Joe.  I want an unbiased and intelligent answer, damnit!


----------



## Sarah G

IlarMeilyr said:


> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> Joe:
> 
> Would you agree that notwithstanding the disagreement muttered by a person of the female persuasion, a man is often correct in what he says, thinks and believes?
> 
> Sleepless in Saratoga
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I'll answer that.  No.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> ^ This is why I was askin' Joe.  I want an unbiased and intelligent answer, damnit!
Click to expand...


I just wanted you to feel comfortable and answer in a way that you're used to.


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Sarah G said:


> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'll answer that.  No.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ^ This is why I was askin' Joe.  I want an unbiased and intelligent answer, damnit!
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> I just wanted you to feel comfortable and answer in a way that you're used to.
Click to expand...


Biased and unintelligent liberalism?

Yeah.  Around here, we get lots of that,


----------



## Sarah G

Okay.  Nite everyone.


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Sarah G said:


> Okay.  Nite everyone.



g'nite.


----------



## AVG-JOE

IlarMeilyr said:


> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> Joe:
> 
> Would you agree that notwithstanding the disagreement muttered by a person of the female persuasion, a man is often correct in what he says, thinks and believes?
> 
> Sleepless in Saratoga
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I'll answer that.  No.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> ^ This is why I was askin' Joe.  I want an unbiased and intelligent answer, damnit!
Click to expand...


Thank you.

I agree with Sarah.
Sort of...​
As usual... it depends on the Monkeys involved.  Abraham Lincoln was wrong... all male Monkeys are _not_ created equal - but show me a Monkey of either sex who is *never* wrong, and I'll show you a Monkey who should be able to walk on water.


----------



## Goddess_Ashtara

Hey Joe!  I got a question. In your personal opinion, what is the minimum length of a big dick?  

I'd say anything under 8 inches is small, unless they are really thick.  Over 8 inches starts to feel big.  Do you agree?


----------



## IlarMeilyr

AVG-JOE said:


> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'll answer that.  No.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ^ This is why I was askin' Joe.  I want an unbiased and intelligent answer, damnit!
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Thank you.
> 
> I agree with Sarah.
> Sort of...​
> As usual... it depends on the Monkeys involved.  Abraham Lincoln was wrong... all male Monkeys are _not_ created equal - but show me a Monkey of either sex who is *never* wrong, and I'll show you a Monkey who should be able to walk on water.
Click to expand...


Abe was right;  but not in the limited way some Monkeys seem to imagine.

What we are created equal IN has very little if anything to do with intelligence or talents or skills. 

And nobody was asking about whether either gender or any person is "always" right.

Hell, Joe.  Even _you_ can be wrong occasionally.  (I know.  I was shocked, too.)



But if you say something you are not "wrong" JUST because some female coincidentally happens to disagree with you.  

A startling corollary is that even females can be right occasionally even when they happen to be disagreeing with some males.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Excellent!!

And that, my young friend, is the crux of the issue.  _*Disagreement.*_

When 2 or more have differing opinions about unprovable subjects or generalizations, neither is right and neither is wrong.  They simply disagree.

If a subject can be proven by repeated experimentation, it's a fact.  Disagreeing with facts is silly.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Goddess_Ashtara said:


> Hey Joe!  I got a question. In your personal opinion, what is the minimum length of a big dick?
> 
> I'd say anything under 8 inches is small, unless they are really thick.  Over 8 inches starts to feel big.  Do you agree?



This is a subject I have absolutely no opinion on.    
I've never gone looking for cock, big or otherwise...​


----------



## koshergrl

That's not what Statist says!

Dear Joe:

This milk smells funny...taste it and tell me...has it turned?

Yours truly,

Koshergal


----------



## AVG-JOE

SOMEthing's fishy...  That's for DAMN sure!


----------



## Goddess_Ashtara

I have another question Joe!  

If a female fucks a male in the ass with a strapon dildo, does that make him gay?

I know my answer but I want to hear yours


----------



## Vandalshandle

Joe, 

I wonder, wonder, who..oo..oo..oo. Who wrote the book of love?
Tell me, tell me, tell me, oh, who wrote the book of love?
Was it someone here on earth, or someone from up above...?


----------



## Esmeralda

Goddess_Ashtara said:


> Hey Joe!  I got a question. In your personal opinion, what is the minimum length of a big dick?
> 
> I'd say anything under 8 inches is small, unless they are really thick.  Over 8 inches starts to feel big.  Do you agree?



I have  question for you Ashtara. Why do you want to spoil this thread?  It's supposed to be light  hearted and silly, not soft porn.  If you want to talk about explicitly sexual things, why don't you start your own thread?


----------



## Goddess_Ashtara

Esmeralda said:


> Goddess_Ashtara said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey Joe!  I got a question. In your personal opinion, what is the minimum length of a big dick?
> 
> I'd say anything under 8 inches is small, unless they are really thick.  Over 8 inches starts to feel big.  Do you agree?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I have  question for you Ashtara. Why do you want to spoil this thread?  It's supposed to be light  hearted and silly, not soft porn.  If you want to talk about explicitly sexual things, why don't you start your own thread?
Click to expand...


I don't know what soft porn is :-(

And they were honest questions.  Leave me 'lone, let Joe answer me


----------



## AVG-JOE

Goddess_Ashtara said:


> I have another question Joe!
> 
> If a female fucks a male in the ass with a strapon dildo, does that make him gay?
> 
> I know my answer but I want to hear yours



You do understand that 'gay' and 'straight' have less to do with plumbing and more to do with attitudes, eh?
​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Joe,
> 
> I wonder, wonder, who..oo..oo..oo. Who wrote the book of love?
> Tell me, tell me, tell me, oh, who wrote the book of love?
> Was it someone here on earth, or someone from up above...?



It was the Indians.

Kama Sutra - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


----------



## Vandalshandle

Joe,

Is it true, what they say about Dixie?


----------



## Vandalshandle

{sigh}


----------



## Esmeralda

Joe, 

Is Voodoo a viable religion?  I think Voodoo dolls are so cute.  If I become an adherent of the Vodun religion, do I have to move to the Caribbean, and would that be a hardship? Maybe I could open up a little shop on the beach selling these little guys: gosh they are so adorable.


----------



## Pop23

Dear Joe. 

Do you ever take a vacation? I mean, damn you have helped so many people with you sage advice......

Don't your head hurt?

Regards

Pop in popland.


----------



## koshergrl

Dear Joe:
Who moderates the forum now that you've hung your hat here? 
Yours truly, 

Kosher


----------



## Goddess_Ashtara

Esmeralda said:


> Joe,
> 
> Is Voodoo a viable religion?  I think Voodoo dolls are so cute.  If I become an adherent of the Vodun religion, do I have to move to the Carribean, and would that be a hardship? Maybe I could open up a little shop on the beach selling these little guys: gosh they are so adorable.



White needles for blessings, black needles for cursing ;-)


----------



## Pogo

Dear Joe:

Are things really more like they are now than they ever were before?  Or is it all staged in New Mexico?


----------



## Esmeralda

When someone says New Mexico, the first thing I think of is Georgia O'Keefe


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Joe,
> 
> Is it true, what they say about Dixie?
> 
> 
> Bill Haley & the Comets - Is It True What They Say About Dixie - YouTube



It was back in '57, but global warming is changing things


----------



## DriftingSand

Joe - I have an ingrown toenail. What do I do?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> Joe,
> 
> Is Voodoo a viable religion?  I think Voodoo dolls are so cute.  If I become an adherent of the Vodun religion, do I have to move to the Caribbean, and would that be a hardship? Maybe I could open up a little shop on the beach selling these little guys: gosh they are so adorable.



Voodoo is as viable a religion as any other.  Faith and re$ources is all you need to join.
Go for it!  ​


I like the idea of a little voodoo shop on a Jamaican beach!

​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pop23 said:


> Dear Joe.
> 
> Do you ever take a vacation? I mean, damn you have helped so many people with you sage advice......
> 
> Don't your head hurt?
> 
> Regards
> 
> Pop in popland.



Believe it or not, giving advice and fixing problems is what I do all day in RL and this week, I'm on vacation!

So... yes.  I do get to take vacation - 21st Century life in middle-class America ROCKS!!


----------



## AVG-JOE

koshergrl said:


> Dear Joe:
> Who moderates the forum now that you've hung your hat here?
> Yours truly,
> 
> Kosher



Coyote, theDoctorisIn, AnglesNDemons, westwall, flacaltenn, AquaAthena, cereal_killer, Trajan and every member who understands the 'report post' function.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pogo said:


> Dear Joe:
> 
> Are things really more like they are now than they ever were before?  Or is it all staged in New Mexico?



I believe that the staging has been off-shored to Indonesia, but you get the gist of it.


----------



## AVG-JOE

DriftingSand said:


> Joe - I have an ingrown toenail. What do I do?



Get a pedicure, strip down to your flip-flops, and go to the beach.


----------



## DriftingSand

AVG-JOE said:


> DriftingSand said:
> 
> 
> 
> Joe - I have an ingrown toenail. What do I do?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Get a pedicure, strip down to your flip-flops, and go to the beach.
Click to expand...


Thanks Joe.  On my way.


----------



## Vandalshandle

Joe, 

If I have 12 apples, and give  4 to Esmeralda, 3 to Stat, and 2 to Derido, how long would it be before the usual suspects on this thread would call me a commie/socialist/Marxist/progressive/libtard?


----------



## Amelia

DriftingSand said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> DriftingSand said:
> 
> 
> 
> Joe - I have an ingrown toenail. What do I do?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Get a pedicure, strip down to your flip-flops, and go to the beach.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Thanks Joe.  On my way.
Click to expand...



Dear Joe, what should the people at the QuickTrip do when DriftingSand makes a pit stop for munchies and sunscreen?


----------



## Bloodrock44

Dear Joe: Should I contact my physician or just be happy if Viagra causes me to have an erection lasting over 4 hours? Not that I've ever used it.


----------



## Vandalshandle

Bloodrock44 said:


> Dear Joe: Should I contact my physician or just be happy if Viagra causes me to have an erection lasting over 4 hours? Not that I've ever used it.



Call, my physician, hell! If I had an erection that lasted over 4 hours, I would call everybody I know!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Pogo

Dear Joe:

If one of your next answers is "Purple - because aliens don't wear hats!", which question will it have been the answer to?

And a corollary if I may -- where do you stand on the use of the pluperfect subjunctive?


----------



## AVG-JOE

DriftingSand said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> DriftingSand said:
> 
> 
> 
> Joe - I have an ingrown toenail. What do I do?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Get a pedicure, strip down to your flip-flops, and go to the beach.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Thanks Joe.  On my way.
Click to expand...


  I hope that you're on your way to a beach that allows you to dress in flip-flops only.  
For a fairly enlightened people, Americans can be violently prudish.​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Joe,
> 
> If I have 12 apples, and give  4 to Esmeralda, 3 to Stat, and 2 to Derido, how long would it be before the usual suspects on this thread would call me a commie/socialist/Marxist/progressive/libtard?



7.3 seconds if you post a video in the thread.  If not, they'll spend 120 seconds more searching for a corroborating link on Faux News so they can truly 'nail your ass'.


----------



## DriftingSand

DriftingSand said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> DriftingSand said:
> 
> 
> 
> Joe - I have an ingrown toenail. What do I do?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Get a pedicure, strip down to your flip-flops, and go to the beach.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Thanks Joe.  On my way.
Click to expand...


"Pictures or it didn't happen"






Thanks.  I feel much better after my pedicure.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Amelia said:


> DriftingSand said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> Get a pedicure, strip down to your flip-flops, and go to the beach.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks Joe.  On my way.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe, what should the people at the QuickTrip do when DriftingSand makes a pit stop for munchies and sunscreen?
Click to expand...


Look or don't look - everyone has the choice. 

Besides... if DriftingSand is smart, the stripping down to flip-flops will occur after the appropriate signs at the nude beach.  Americans may well be violently prudish, but we know how to line up and follow posted rules


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Joe:

What if?

Sleepless in Schenectady


----------



## Statistikhengst

Dear Joe,

if you could travel back in time for just one day and meet with a famous historic personality, but in a way that would not affect the timeline, with whom would you meet?


----------



## DriftingSand

AVG-JOE said:


> DriftingSand said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> Get a pedicure, strip down to your flip-flops, and go to the beach.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks Joe.  On my way.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> I hope that you're on your way to a beach that allows you to dress in flip-flops only.
> For a fairly enlightened people, Americans can be violently prudish.​
Click to expand...


Used to go to one near Santa Cruz in my more liberal days. Yes ... I used to be an earring-wearing liberal with long hair.  Hahahaha


----------



## AVG-JOE

Bloodrock44 said:


> Dear Joe: Should I contact my physician or just be happy if Viagra causes me to have an erection lasting over 4 hours? Not that I've ever used it.



I couldn't tell you... also having never been under the influence of that particular line of chemicals.

Is your physician hot and/or easy?  4 hours is usually more than enough for me... the information that they never give you in the advertisements is how much more than 4 hours a fellow is likely to be able to hang in there.


----------



## Statistikhengst

DriftingSand said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> DriftingSand said:
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks Joe.  On my way.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I hope that you're on your way to a beach that allows you to dress in flip-flops only.
> For a fairly enlightened people, Americans can be violently prudish.​
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Used to go to one near Santa Cruz in my more liberal days. Yes ... I used to be an earring-wearing liberal with long hair.  Hahahaha
Click to expand...


Tmi, TMI!!!


----------



## AVG-JOE

DriftingSand said:


> DriftingSand said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> Get a pedicure, strip down to your flip-flops, and go to the beach.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks Joe.  On my way.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> "Pictures or it didn't happen"
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks.  I feel much better after my pedicure.
Click to expand...


  I see Mushrooms!


----------



## AVG-JOE

DriftingSand said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> DriftingSand said:
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks Joe.  On my way.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I hope that you're on your way to a beach that allows you to dress in flip-flops only.
> For a fairly enlightened people, Americans can be violently prudish.​
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Used to go to one near Santa Cruz in my more liberal days. Yes ... I used to be an earring-wearing liberal with long hair.  Hahahaha
Click to expand...


What turned you to the dark side?

  Which really should be known as the pasty-white side, if you think about it.​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Statistikhengst said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> if you could travel back in time for just one day and meet with a famous historic personality, but in a way that would not affect the timeline, with whom would you meet?



Calamity Jane... but if I couldn't affect the Timeline, what would be the point?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pogo said:


> Dear Joe:
> 
> If one of your next answers is "Purple - because aliens don't wear hats!", which question will it have been the answer to?
> 
> And a corollary if I may -- where do you stand on the use of the pluperfect subjunctive?



I dunno  

Probably one of the gay sex questions.



Whenever using your pluperfect subjunctive, ALWAYS stand on the mat provided.  
OSHA didn't require those mats and hand-rails just to create Chinese jobs, ya know!​


----------



## Sarah G

DriftingSand said:


> DriftingSand said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> Get a pedicure, strip down to your flip-flops, and go to the beach.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks Joe.  On my way.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> "Pictures or it didn't happen"
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks.  I feel much better after my pedicure.
Click to expand...


Negged.


----------



## Derideo_Te

Pogo said:


> Dear Joe:
> 
> If one of your next answers is "Purple - because aliens don't wear hats!", which question will it have been the answer to?
> 
> And a corollary if I may -- where do you stand on the use of the pluperfect subjunctive?



Dear Joe,

What was it about the 2 posts regarding Viagra preceding Pogo's that made him think about the color purple?

Was the failure to "wear hats" an implication that finding a condom that will last 4 hours without it turning purple also influenced by the preceding posts?


----------



## DriftingSand

AVG-JOE said:


> DriftingSand said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> I hope that you're on your way to a beach that allows you to dress in flip-flops only.
> For a fairly enlightened people, Americans can be violently prudish.​
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Used to go to one near Santa Cruz in my more liberal days. Yes ... I used to be an earring-wearing liberal with long hair.  Hahahaha
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> What turned you to the dark side?
> 
> Which really should be known as the pasty-white side, if you think about it.​
Click to expand...


One man's Light is another man's darkness.


----------



## Vandalshandle

Joe,

I want to know the truth, and I can take it. Did Elvis kill JFK? I know that this has been covered up by the CIA, the FBI, the mob, Cuba, Russia, the Boy Scouts of America, the Flat Earth Society, and the League of Women Voters, but I believe that the truth can now be told.


----------



## Derideo_Te

Vandalshandle said:


> Joe,
> 
> I want to know the truth, and I can take it. Did Elvis kill JFK? I know that this has been covered up by the CIA, the FBI, the mob, Cuba, Russia, the Boy Scouts of America, the Flat Earth Society, and the League of Women Voters, but I believe that the truth can now be told.



It can't have been Elvis! He had an alibi for Vegas, LA, NYC, Memphis, McDonalds, CVS and Walgreens at the time.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Derideo_Te said:


> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> If one of your next answers is "Purple - because aliens don't wear hats!", which question will it have been the answer to?
> 
> And a corollary if I may -- where do you stand on the use of the pluperfect subjunctive?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> What was it about the 2 posts regarding Viagra preceding Pogo's that made him think about the color purple?
> 
> Was the failure to "wear hats" an implication that finding a condom that will last 4 hours without it turning purple also influenced by the preceding posts?
Click to expand...


  That's one of those questions that I really should let you young fellers figure out as you go, you know?

Some wisdom can be read on the internet, some must be earned from Father Time.

​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Joe,
> 
> I want to know the truth, and I can take it. Did Elvis kill JFK? I know that this has been covered up by the CIA, the FBI, the mob, Cuba, Russia, the Boy Scouts of America, the Flat Earth Society, and the League of Women Voters, but I believe that the truth can now be told.



No.

And liberals don't have a secret handshake either.








I know!!  Me too!!!  

`​


----------



## Pop23

AVG-JOE said:


> DriftingSand said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> I hope that you're on your way to a beach that allows you to dress in flip-flops only.
> For a fairly enlightened people, Americans can be violently prudish.​
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Used to go to one near Santa Cruz in my more liberal days. Yes ... I used to be an earring-wearing liberal with long hair.  Hahahaha
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> What turned you to the dark side?
> 
> Which really should be known as the pasty-white side, if you think about it.​
Click to expand...


Santa Cruz may be the favorite place I've ever visited. Off season and still found it such a delightful place.


----------



## Manonthestreet

Hey Joe:
Do any wingsuiting?


----------



## Goddess_Ashtara

Hey Joe.

What do you think the world will be like 1000 years from now?


----------



## Esmeralda

Derideo_Te said:


> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> If one of your next answers is "Purple - because aliens don't wear hats!", which question will it have been the answer to?
> 
> And a corollary if I may -- where do you stand on the use of the pluperfect subjunctive?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> What was it about the 2 posts regarding Viagra preceding Pogo's that made him think about the color purple?
> 
> Was the failure to "wear hats" an implication that finding a condom that will last 4 hours without it turning purple also influenced by the preceding posts?
Click to expand...









People have often believed O'Keeffe's flower paintings are sexually suggestive, and the painting I put up is purple.  So....


----------



## Esmeralda

Dear Joe,

I tend to believe this is true:  Mirrors

Mirrors don't reflect, they're actually portals to a parallel universe containing people's evil twins. When you're not looking your evil twin will jump out of the mirror, kill you and take your place. 

I think this has truly happened to some people I have known, especially men.  Because, they are so nice when you first meet them, but later on so many of them do seem to behave like an evil twin.  Know what I mean?  I've heard men say the same thing about women.   

I think it happened to my mother too, about the time I turned 15.

What do you think?


----------



## Geaux4it

Joe Blow-

Is it not quite odd that a squid eating dough in a polyethylene bag is often invigorating yet bulbous?

-Geaux


----------



## Statistikhengst

AVG-JOE said:


> Statistikhengst said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> if you could travel back in time for just one day and meet with a famous historic personality, but in a way that would not affect the timeline, with whom would you meet?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Calamity Jane... but if I couldn't affect the Timeline, what would be the point?
Click to expand...


To get a feel for how is REALLY was.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Manonthestreet said:


> Hey Joe:
> Do any wingsuiting?



I saw this on the evening news!  This dog knows how to FLY!!

Never done it in a wing-suit, but the kids and I still fly down the road in the Jeep every once in a while


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Editor's Note:

Joe reserves the right to decline to respond to some questions.  Apparently.

Joe also reserves the right to be Delphic even when he does deign to respond.

Any questions?

Ask Joe.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Goddess_Ashtara said:


> Hey Joe.
> 
> What do you think the world will be like 1000 years from now?



I don't know, but I'm optimistic.  I think Monkeys are going to defy survival of the fittest, learn to share, and make it as a Sentient Species.

The biggest reason for my optimism is the sheer variety of organizing methods we see in use today.  From a big picture perspective, our evolution is looking good.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> I tend to believe this is true:  Mirrors
> 
> Mirrors don't reflect, they're actually portals to a parallel universe containing people's evil twins. When you're not looking your evil twin will jump out of the mirror, kill you and take your place.
> 
> I think this has truly happened to some people I have known, especially men.  Because, they are so nice when you first meet them, but later on so many of them do seem to behave like an evil twin.  Know what I mean?  I've heard men say the same thing about women.
> 
> I think it happened to my mother too, about the time I turned 15.
> 
> What do you think?



I think that even *I* would have a tough time hiding the crime by stuffing my dead body in to my mirror, evil twin credentials not withstanding.



​
`​


----------



## AVG-JOE

IlarMeilyr said:


> Editor's Note:
> 
> Joe reserves the right to decline to respond to some questions.  Apparently.
> 
> Joe also reserves the right to be Delphic even when he does deign to respond.
> 
> Any questions?
> 
> Ask Joe.



I did NOT know I had an editor!!! 


  I hope I'm paying you a living wage!


`​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Statistikhengst said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Statistikhengst said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> if you could travel back in time for just one day and meet with a famous historic personality, but in a way that would not affect the timeline, with whom would you meet?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Calamity Jane... but if I couldn't affect the Timeline, what would be the point?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> To get a feel for how it REALLY was.
Click to expand...



I can work with that....  When do we leave?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Geaux4it said:


> Joe Blow-
> 
> Is it not quite odd that a squid eating dough in a polyethylene bag is often invigorating yet bulbous?
> 
> -Geaux




Pass that thing, ya Bogart!
​


----------



## AVG-JOE

IlarMeilyr said:


> Joe:
> 
> What if?
> 
> Sleepless in Schenectady



In the short term, probably trouble - in the long run... no big deal.  Just like politics


----------



## Statistikhengst

IlarMeilyr said:


> Editor's Note:
> 
> Joe reserves the right to decline to respond to some questions.  Apparently.
> 
> Joe also reserves the right to be Delphic even when he does deign to respond.
> 
> Any questions?
> 
> Ask Joe.



Dear Joe,

which name stands for "drama queen":

Ilar -or- Meilyr?


----------



## Pogo

Geaux4it said:


> Joe Blow-
> 
> Is it not quite odd that a squid eating dough in a polyethylene bag is often invigorating yet bulbous?
> 
> -Geaux



That's right, The Mascara Snake!  Fast and bulbous.

Also, a tin teardrop.

Dear Joe: who are we quoting?

(hint: The Mother ship! The Mother ship!)


----------



## Goddess_Ashtara

Hey Joe

How can I be more tolerant of the human race and regain my sense of compassion?  :-(


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pogo said:


> Geaux4it said:
> 
> 
> 
> Joe Blow-
> 
> Is it not quite odd that a squid eating dough in a polyethylene bag is often invigorating yet bulbous?
> 
> -Geaux
> 
> 
> 
> 
> That's right, The Mascara Snake!  Fast and bulbous.
> 
> Also, a tin teardrop.
> 
> Dear Joe: who are we quoting?
> 
> (hint: The Mother ship! The Mother ship!)
Click to expand...


  Joe Byrd and The Field Hippies?​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Either AVG-Joe Byrd or AVG-Joe Biden.  Gotta be!


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Statistikhengst said:


> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> Editor's Note:
> 
> Joe reserves the right to decline to respond to some questions.  Apparently.
> 
> Joe also reserves the right to be Delphic even when he does deign to respond.
> 
> Any questions?
> 
> Ask Joe.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> which name stands for "drama queen":
> 
> Ilar -or- Meilyr?
Click to expand...


I can field that for Joe.  Joe is over-worked.

The correct answer is "neither."

[The last sentence of this post, as it existed, is now deleted by Ilar to honor the implicit request of the Shell Answer Man]


----------



## AVG-JOE

*Let's keep the personal shit out of this thread, 'k?*


----------



## AVG-JOE

Goddess_Ashtara said:


> Hey Joe
> 
> How can I be more tolerant of the human race and regain my sense of compassion?  :-(



Picture everyone naked and think of them as Monkeys who're doing their best in a dog-eat-dog world where power is still the sociopath's favorite and most profitable toy.



Then, in the same breath, thank your lucky stars that you were born WHEN you were born because, history shows that *it* (meaning the earth Monkeys* actual *sharing of the planet's resources) *is* getting better and, if nothing else, we have air conditioning in the now.



`​


----------



## Vandalshandle

Joe, 

It took me years to realize that the first words in the Beach Boy song, "Rhonda", were not, "Since she put me down there 's been owls puking in my bed..."

Now, I find out that the Beatles song, "Obladi, Oblada", has absolutely nothing to do with being "...happy ever after in a parking space".

My question is, should I switch to classical music, which has no words, for the most part, or should I invest in a hearing aid?


----------



## Goddess_Ashtara

AVG-JOE said:


> Goddess_Ashtara said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey Joe
> 
> How can I be more tolerant of the human race and regain my sense of compassion?  :-(
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Picture everyone naked and think of them as Monkeys who're doing their best in a dog-eat-dog world where power is still the sociopath's favorite and most profitable toy.
> 
> 
> 
> Then, in the same breath, thank your lucky stars that you were born WHEN you were born because, history shows that *it* (meaning the earth Monkeys* actual *sharing of the planet's resources) *is* getting better and, if nothing else, we have air conditioning in the now.
> 
> 
> 
> `​
Click to expand...


I have no idea how to respond to that...


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Joe,
> 
> It took me years to realize that the first words in the Beach Boy song, "Rhonda", were not, "Since she put me down there 's been owls puking in my bed..."
> 
> Now, I find out that the Beatles song, "Obladi, Oblada", has absolutely nothing to do with being "...happy ever after in a parking space".
> 
> My question is, should I switch to classical music, which has no words, for the most part, or should I invest in a hearing aid?



Get your hearing evaluated by a professional and invest in aid if needed.

Other than that, just enjoy what you hear.


Hint:  One would think so, but there's no "bathroom on the right" in Mr. Fogerty's field of vision during this song.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Goddess_Ashtara said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Goddess_Ashtara said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey Joe
> 
> How can I be more tolerant of the human race and regain my sense of compassion?  :-(
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Picture everyone naked and think of them as Monkeys who're doing their best in a dog-eat-dog world where power is still the sociopath's favorite and most profitable toy.
> 
> 
> 
> Then, in the same breath, thank your lucky stars that you were born WHEN you were born because, history shows that *it* (meaning the earth Monkeys* actual *sharing of the planet's resources) *is* getting better and, if nothing else, we have air conditioning in the now.
> 
> 
> 
> `​
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> I have no idea how to respond to that...
Click to expand...


  I'll call that "success!"


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Joe,
> 
> It took me years to realize that the first words in the Beach Boy song, "Rhonda", were not, "Since she put me down there 's been owls puking in my bed..."
> 
> Now, I find out that the Beatles song, "Obladi, Oblada", has absolutely nothing to do with being "...happy ever after in a parking space".
> 
> My question is, should I switch to classical music, which has no words, for the most part, or should I invest in a hearing aid?



Don't worry, Bro'... I was 9 before I realized that "al-a-men-O-Pee" was more than one letter.



    Never was any good at filing...
It's a good thing I'm pretty  ​


----------



## Pogo

AVG-JOE said:


> Vandalshandle said:
> 
> 
> 
> Joe,
> 
> It took me years to realize that the first words in the Beach Boy song, "Rhonda", were not, "Since she put me down there 's been owls puking in my bed..."
> 
> Now, I find out that the Beatles song, "Obladi, Oblada", has absolutely nothing to do with being "...happy ever after in a parking space".
> 
> My question is, should I switch to classical music, which has no words, for the most part, or should I invest in a hearing aid?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Get your hearing evaluated by a professional and invest in aid if needed.
> 
> Other than that, just enjoy what you hear.
> 
> 
> Hint:  One would think so, but there's no "bathroom on the right" in Mr. Fogerty's field of vision during this song.
Click to expand...



Dear Joe:

I have hearing impediments myself, and once met a young lady who claimed to be "an audiologist" and if I came by she would check me out.

However once I arrived she explained that she was actually saying she was "a naughtyologist".  She also had a different spelling for the word "aural".  Based on the next actions she took I believe she was trying to bribe me to keep her quackery on the QT.

Since my hearing has not improved, do I have a malpractice case here?  And if so, how many more treatments can I get before filing it?


----------



## AVG-JOE

​


----------



## Vandalshandle

Pogo said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Vandalshandle said:
> 
> 
> 
> Joe,
> 
> It took me years to realize that the first words in the Beach Boy song, "Rhonda", were not, "Since she put me down there 's been owls puking in my bed..."
> 
> Now, I find out that the Beatles song, "Obladi, Oblada", has absolutely nothing to do with being "...happy ever after in a parking space".
> 
> My question is, should I switch to classical music, which has no words, for the most part, or should I invest in a hearing aid?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Get your hearing evaluated by a professional and invest in aid if needed.
> 
> Other than that, just enjoy what you hear.
> 
> 
> Hint:  One would think so, but there's no "bathroom on the right" in Mr. Fogerty's field of vision during this song.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> I have hearing impediments myself, and once met a young lady who claimed to be "an audiologist" and if I came by she would check me out.
> 
> However once I arrived she explained that she was actually saying she was "a naughtyologist".  She also had a different spelling for the word "aural".  Based on the next actions she took I believe she was trying to bribe me to keep her quackery on the QT.
> 
> Since my hearing has not improved, do I have a malpractice case here?  And if so, how many more treatments can I get before filing it?
Click to expand...


This brings to mind that my primary care physician, who is female, did things to me at my last physical examination which, I think, would be of the category of acts that would send us both to hell, according to the Christian Right, and I didn't even enjoy it. Should I charge her with rape, or should I ask forgiveness from a televangelist?


----------



## Geaux4it

Pogo said:


> Geaux4it said:
> 
> 
> 
> Joe Blow-
> 
> Is it not quite odd that a squid eating dough in a polyethylene bag is often invigorating yet bulbous?
> 
> -Geaux
> 
> 
> 
> 
> That's right, The Mascara Snake!  Fast and bulbous.
> 
> Also, a tin teardrop.
> 
> Dear Joe: who are we quoting?
> 
> (hint: The Mother ship! The Mother ship!)
Click to expand...


LMAO... Captain


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> Get your hearing evaluated by a professional and invest in aid if needed.
> 
> Other than that, just enjoy what you hear.
> 
> 
> Hint:  One would think so, but there's no "bathroom on the right" in Mr. Fogerty's field of vision during this song.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> I have hearing impediments myself, and once met a young lady who claimed to be "an audiologist" and if I came by she would check me out.
> 
> However once I arrived she explained that she was actually saying she was "a naughtyologist".  She also had a different spelling for the word "aural".  Based on the next actions she took I believe she was trying to bribe me to keep her quackery on the QT.
> 
> Since my hearing has not improved, do I have a malpractice case here?  And if so, how many more treatments can I get before filing it?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> This brings to mind that my primary care physician, who is female, did things to me at my last physical examination which, I think, would be of the category of acts that would send us both to hell, according to the Christian Right, and I didn't even enjoy it. Should I charge her with rape, or should I ask forgiveness from a televangelist?
Click to expand...


Get a grip and be thankful that you have relationships with people who're willing to touch you.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Geaux4it said:


> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Geaux4it said:
> 
> 
> 
> Joe Blow-
> 
> Is it not quite odd that a squid eating dough in a polyethylene bag is often invigorating yet bulbous?
> 
> -Geaux
> 
> 
> 
> 
> That's right, The Mascara Snake!  Fast and bulbous.
> 
> Also, a tin teardrop.
> 
> Dear Joe: who are we quoting?
> 
> (hint: The Mother ship! The Mother ship!)
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> LMAO... Captain
Click to expand...


_"If you return me to my home port, I will kiss you, Mother Earth!"_


----------



## Vandalshandle

Joe,

I understand that diamonds are the hardest substance on earth. There is no substitute. Therefore, my question is, on what do diamond cutters use to practice upon to learn their trade?

Also, I am concerned about airplanes. We all know that the wings bulge at the top, in order to give the plane lift by lowering the air pressure over the wing. So, how come they can fly upside down?

But mostly, I want to know what happened to Jimmy Hoffa. Is he on an extended vacation?


----------



## Derideo_Te

AVG-JOE said:


> Vandalshandle said:
> 
> 
> 
> Joe,
> 
> It took me years to realize that the first words in the Beach Boy song, "Rhonda", were not, "Since she put me down there 's been owls puking in my bed..."
> 
> Now, I find out that the Beatles song, "Obladi, Oblada", has absolutely nothing to do with being "...happy ever after in a parking space".
> 
> My question is, should I switch to classical music, which has no words, for the most part, or should I invest in a hearing aid?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Don't worry, Bro'... I was 9 before I realized that "al-a-men-O-Pee" was more than one letter.
> 
> 
> 
> Never was any good at filing...
> * It's a good thing I'm pretty  *​
Click to expand...


But, but, but how can you be both average and pretty, Joe?

Wait, don't tell me! You are just pretty average, right?


----------



## Derideo_Te

Vandalshandle said:


> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> Get your hearing evaluated by a professional and invest in aid if needed.
> 
> Other than that, just enjoy what you hear.
> 
> 
> Hint:  One would think so, but there's no "bathroom on the right" in Mr. Fogerty's field of vision during this song.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> I have hearing impediments myself, and once met a young lady who claimed to be "an audiologist" and if I came by she would check me out.
> 
> However once I arrived she explained that she was actually saying she was "a naughtyologist".  She also had a different spelling for the word "aural".  Based on the next actions she took I believe she was trying to bribe me to keep her quackery on the QT.
> 
> Since my hearing has not improved, do I have a malpractice case here?  And if so, how many more treatments can I get before filing it?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> This brings to mind that my primary care physician, who is female, did things to me at my last physical examination which, I think, would be of the category of acts that would send us both to hell, according to the Christian Right, and I didn't even enjoy it. Should I charge her with rape, or should I ask forgiveness from a televangelist?
Click to expand...


According to TA (Televangelists Anonymous) you should enter a 12 step program that will include thanking her for giving you a glimpse of both heaven and hell at the same time.


----------



## Esmeralda

Joe,

I'm wondering about what 'it' is all about. 

If you put your right hand in,
You put your right hand out,
You put your right hand in,
And you shake it all about,

You do the hokey pokey
and you turn yourself around,

Is it really true that is what 'it' is all about?

What is 'it' anyway?


BTW this video is a surprise.  Check it out.


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Hey Joe:

I have to ax you again:

"Why?"

Sleepless in San Diego


----------



## Pop23

Joe:

I am going on vacation this week. We are driving 15 hours with two young children. 

So I must ask

Are we there yet?

Thanks in advance. 

PS: there will be beer, oh yes, much beer


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Joe,
> 
> I understand that diamonds are the hardest substance on earth. There is no substitute. Therefore, my question is, on what do diamond cutters use to practice upon to learn their trade?
> 
> Also, I am concerned about airplanes. We all know that the wings bulge at the top, in order to give the plane lift by lowering the air pressure over the wing. So, how come they can fly upside down?
> 
> But mostly, I want to know what happened to Jimmy Hoffa. Is he on an extended vacation?



1.  The second hardest substance - Tap water from Macon County GA.

2.  Planes can fly higher, lower, left or right.  They fly upside down by 'lowering themselves up higher in to the sky' - it sounds weird, but it works.

3.  Jimmy made good money working as a consultant on "Dragnet" in the early 70's and legally changed his name to Oprah Winfrey.  His litigation with the tanning bed company over the huge boobs and the complexion issues is still in appeal, but looking good according to his Russian attorney, who also just happens to be his Russian mail-order-bride.  As soon as the case settles, the main-stream media will be brought up to speed so that they can stop looking for a body.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Derideo_Te said:


> Vandalshandle said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> I have hearing impediments myself, and once met a young lady who claimed to be "an audiologist" and if I came by she would check me out.
> 
> However once I arrived she explained that she was actually saying she was "a naughtyologist".  She also had a different spelling for the word "aural".  Based on the next actions she took I believe she was trying to bribe me to keep her quackery on the QT.
> 
> Since my hearing has not improved, do I have a malpractice case here?  And if so, how many more treatments can I get before filing it?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> This brings to mind that my primary care physician, who is female, did things to me at my last physical examination which, I think, would be of the category of acts that would send us both to hell, according to the Christian Right, and I didn't even enjoy it. Should I charge her with rape, or should I ask forgiveness from a televangelist?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> According to TA (Televangelists Anonymous) you should enter a 12 step program that will include thanking her for giving you a glimpse of both heaven and hell at the same time.
Click to expand...


Not bad.  Guess who gets to field the questions when it comes time for AVG-Vacation?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> Joe,
> 
> I'm wondering about what 'it' is all about.
> 
> If you put your right hand in,
> You put your right hand out,
> You put your right hand in,
> And you shake it all about,
> 
> You do the hokey pokey
> and you turn yourself around,
> 
> Is it really true that is what 'it' is all about?
> 
> What is 'it' anyway?
> 
> hokey pokey - YouTube
> 
> BTW this video is a surprise.  Check it out.



It is variable.  If your mood changes or your needs change, it changes right along with them, keeping it as EXACTLY what you need, want or desire at any given moment.

Change your mind, change your environment, change your socks, and it changes too!

It is the most versatile thing you can put your hands on - everyone wants it, and girl... you have it!


----------



## AVG-JOE

IlarMeilyr said:


> Hey Joe:
> 
> I have to ax you again:
> 
> "Why?"
> 
> Sleepless in San Diego



"Why?" is a question for little girls and unicorns.

Grown men ask, "When?"


----------



## Goddess_Ashtara

Dear Joe

If God exists, do you think God would look more like Zeus, or a dragon?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pop23 said:


> Joe:
> 
> I am going on vacation this week. We are driving 15 hours with two young children.
> 
> So I must ask
> 
> Are we there yet?
> 
> Thanks in advance.
> 
> PS: there will be beer, oh yes, much beer



No.  But that does NOT mean that the beer must remain sealed.  Just make a note of where the rest areas are along the way.

_"When your riding 16 hours and there's nothin' much to do....."_


----------



## IlarMeilyr

AVG-JOE said:


> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey Joe:
> 
> I have to ax you again:
> 
> "Why?"
> 
> Sleepless in San Diego
> 
> 
> 
> 
> "Why?" is a question for little girls and unicorns.
> 
> Grown men ask, "When?"
Click to expand...


Joe:

I am unfamiliar with unicorn questions.

Do unicorns ask philosophical questions or are they merely curious?

Sleepless in Springfield


----------



## Vandalshandle

I have not seen this much wisdom from one person since my brother advised me to get a divorce, back in 1975....


----------



## AVG-JOE

Goddess_Ashtara said:


> Dear Joe
> 
> If God exists, do you think God would look more like Zeus, or a dragon?



Ass-U-Me-ing God exists, I'm going to guess God looks like everything and nothing at the same time.  I think giving Him either Monkey or reptilian attributes would be seriously selling Him short.  Ass-U-Me-ing He exists.


----------



## AVG-JOE

IlarMeilyr said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey Joe:
> 
> I have to ax you again:
> 
> "Why?"
> 
> Sleepless in San Diego
> 
> 
> 
> 
> "Why?" is a question for little girls and unicorns.
> 
> Grown men ask, "When?"
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Joe:
> 
> I am unfamiliar with unicorn questions.
> 
> Do unicorns ask philosophical questions or are they merely curious?
> 
> Sleepless in Springfield
Click to expand...


More curiosity than a kitten with gloves on.... rarely philosophical.  ALWAYS asking "why?"


----------



## Pogo

AVG-JOE said:


> Goddess_Ashtara said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe
> 
> If God exists, do you think God would look more like Zeus, or a dragon?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ass-U-Me-ing God exists, I'm going to guess God looks like everything and nothing at the same time.  I think giving Him either Monkey or reptilian attributes would be seriously selling Him short.  Ass-U-Me-ing He exists.
Click to expand...


Dear Joe:

If God is a He, who is the Female that makes Him one by comparison?

Are they properly married, or living in Sin?


----------



## Vandalshandle

Dear Joe,

Why did Dick Clark try to make a star out of Fabian, even though he could not sing?


----------



## Goddess_Ashtara

AVG-JOE said:


> Goddess_Ashtara said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe
> 
> If God exists, do you think God would look more like Zeus, or a dragon?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ass-U-Me-ing God exists, I'm going to guess God looks like everything and nothing at the same time.  I think giving Him either Monkey or reptilian attributes would be seriously selling Him short.  Ass-U-Me-ing He exists.
Click to expand...


You impress me, human


----------



## Vandalshandle

Joe,
As a Walt Kelley fan, I have long been confused by the question and answer that he put forth in this, one of his most meaningful songs. Could you 'splain it too me in a way that I can understand?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pogo said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Goddess_Ashtara said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe
> 
> If God exists, do you think God would look more like Zeus, or a dragon?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ass-U-Me-ing God exists, I'm going to guess God looks like everything and nothing at the same time.  I think giving Him either Monkey or reptilian attributes would be seriously selling Him short.  Ass-U-Me-ing He exists.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> If God is a He, who is the Female that makes Him one by comparison?
> 
> Are they properly married, or living in Sin?
Click to expand...

  Thank you!​
This is one of my biggest problems with the patriarchal religions!  Ass-U-Me-ing God exists, He/She/It has GOT to be WAY bigger than anything that can fit in to the skin of a wise old male Monkey.  Even a fancy one with imaginary wings.  God should have infinity limbs.

Although.... from a big-picture Evolutionary point of view, the patriarchal religion phase, like the cultural polytheistic phase did before it, is disappearing in to the history books.  Good news though... Monkeys learned a lot from both. 
  To surviving the wind-down!​


----------



## AVG-JOE

To Mom!  

And her little bastards!     Still reaching for the Stars!   




Fly, Monkeys!  Fly!​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Joe,
> As a Walt Kelley fan, I have long been confused by the question and answer that he put forth in this, one of his most meaningful songs. Could you 'splain it too me in a way that I can understand?
> 
> Whence That I Wince - They Might Be Giants (TMBG) - YouTube



Not tonight.

Perhaps tomorrow.
​


----------



## AVG-JOE

If I don't drag my ass out by oh-seven-hundred and close the 4F, printer #7 in the server room spits out 2 1/2 reams of 


> "Oh SHIT!!"    "Oh SHIT!!"    "Oh SHIT!!"    "Oh SHIT!!"    "Oh SHIT!!"    "Oh SHIT!!"    "Oh SHIT!!"    "Oh SHIT!!"    "Oh SHIT!!"    "Oh SHIT!!"    "Oh SHIT!!"    "Oh SHIT!!"    "Oh SHIT!!"    "Oh SHIT!!"    "Oh SHIT!!"   "Oh SHIT!!"    "Oh SHIT!!"    "Oh SHIT!!"    "Oh SHIT!!"    "Oh SHIT!!"    "Oh SHIT!!"    "Oh SHIT!!"    "Oh SHIT!!"    "Oh SHIT!!"



in a number ten font.

  Nobody knows why...​


----------



## Esmeralda

AVG-JOE said:


> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ass-U-Me-ing God exists, I'm going to guess God looks like everything and nothing at the same time.  I think giving Him either Monkey or reptilian attributes would be seriously selling Him short.  Ass-U-Me-ing He exists.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> If God is a He, who is the Female that makes Him one by comparison?
> 
> Are they properly married, or living in Sin?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Thank you!​
> This is one of my biggest problems with the patriarchal religions!  Ass-U-Me-ing God exists, He/She/It has GOT to be WAY bigger than anything that can fit in to the skin of a wise old male Monkey.  Even a fancy one with imaginary wings.  God should have infinity limbs.
> 
> Although.... from a big-picture Evolutionary point of view, the patriarchal religion phase, like the cultural polytheistic phase did before it, is disappearing in to the history books. Good news though... Monkeys learned a lot from both.
> To surviving the wind-down!​
Click to expand...


You two are a hoot.


----------



## Esmeralda

Dear Joe,

As I entertain myself with USMB, Starsky and Hutch are on the TV (Fox Retro).  I'm not paying much attention, but I am aware there seems to be a lot of cars on that show.  Which brings up the issue of red convertibles.  What is the deal with that? Are these folks who have red convertibles nuts or what?  

And, whatever happened to Starsky, not to mention Hutch?  Did they move to Mexico and now star in Mexican soap operas?

Signed, 

Curious in Sinsinati


----------



## percysunshine

Dear Joe;


Which is more expensive...paper or ink?

.


----------



## DriftingSand

Dear Joe:

Okay. I bought this new doo-hicky a few days ago to go along with my whats-it. I don't have instructions but there's a what-cha-ma-call-it that's supposed to connect the doo-hicky to the whats-it but I don't have a what-cha-ma-call-it. I do, however, have a thing-a-ma-jig.  Is there a way I can replace the what-cha-ma-call-it with the thing-a-ma-jig? 

Signed, anxious in Denver


----------



## percysunshine

Dear Joe;

I found a wiffle-pop-it yesterday. 

If I put it on ebay for auction, and DriftingSand buys it, do you get a sales commission?

.


----------



## Disir

DriftingSand said:


> Dear Joe:
> 
> Okay. I bought this new doo-hicky a few days ago to go along with my whats-it. I don't have instructions but there's a what-cha-ma-call-it that's supposed to connect the doo-hicky to the whats-it but I don't have a what-cha-ma-call-it. I do, however, have a thing-a-ma-jig.  Is there a way I can replace the what-cha-ma-call-it with the thing-a-ma-jig?
> 
> Signed, anxious in Denver



Jeeze o' Pete, that's me in a hardware/auto part store..................

I can do all kinds of things and none of that is it.  

I can fix it. I can fix it. I need the screw driver with a crossy thing.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Joe,
> As a Walt Kelley fan, I have long been confused by the question and answer that he put forth in this, one of his most meaningful songs. Could you 'splain it too me in a way that I can understand?
> 
> Whence That I Wince - They Might Be Giants (TMBG) - YouTube



I'm having a hard time getting beyond the deceased bear head hanging on the wall that suddenly starts singing, but at least it's animation.

As far as the message within goes... Don't Trust bears!


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> As I entertain myself with USMB, Starsky and Hutch are on the TV (Fox Retro).  I'm not paying much attention, but I am aware there seems to be a lot of cars on that show.  Which brings up the issue of red convertibles.  What is the deal with that? Are these folks who have red convertibles nuts or what?
> 
> And, whatever happened to Starsky, not to mention Hutch?  Did they move to Mexico and now star in Mexican soap operas?
> 
> Signed,
> 
> Curious in Sinsinati



The 'deal' with red sports cars:

Helping those with no game to get laid since the 50's!  ​



Not sure about Starsky & Hutch...  although I did hear a rumor that they married Cagney & Lacey and started a Lifestyle commune in Idaho.


`​


----------



## AVG-JOE

percysunshine said:


> Dear Joe;
> 
> 
> Which is more expensive...paper or ink?
> 
> .



When printing stolen government documents - paper.

When printing stolen screen-shots from the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show - ink.



I know!  You'd think just the opposite, but it's true!!​


----------



## AVG-JOE

DriftingSand said:


> Dear Joe:
> 
> Okay. I bought this new doo-hicky a few days ago to go along with my whats-it. I don't have instructions but there's a what-cha-ma-call-it that's supposed to connect the doo-hicky to the whats-it but I don't have a what-cha-ma-call-it. I do, however, have a thing-a-ma-jig.  Is there a way I can replace the what-cha-ma-call-it with the thing-a-ma-jig?
> 
> Signed, anxious in Denver



Yes indeed!  Just order a flangheimer adapter from Acme Supply and hope that you have room on your chassis.


  Just don't let Coyote help with the installation!​


----------



## AVG-JOE

percysunshine said:


> Dear Joe;
> 
> I found a wiffle-pop-it yesterday.
> 
> If I put it on ebay for auction, and DriftingSand buys it, do you get a sales commission?
> 
> .



That depends on whether or not the sales price will justify my involvement.  
My minimum fee is two gold stars and a cookie.  ​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Disir said:


> DriftingSand said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> Okay. I bought this new doo-hicky a few days ago to go along with my whats-it. I don't have instructions but there's a what-cha-ma-call-it that's supposed to connect the doo-hicky to the whats-it but I don't have a what-cha-ma-call-it. I do, however, have a thing-a-ma-jig.  Is there a way I can replace the what-cha-ma-call-it with the thing-a-ma-jig?
> 
> Signed, anxious in Denver
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Jeeze o' Pete, that's me in a hardware/auto part store..................
> 
> I can do all kinds of things and none of that is it.
> 
> I can fix it. I can fix it. I need the screw driver with a crossy thing.
Click to expand...


  Just don't tell Phillip you borrowed it!!


----------



## Geaux4it

Joe Mama

Is there anything we can do to get the cheap ass traveler to stop bringing on roller-boards and crushing my  swag? 

Check that bag!

V/R
Zone 5 Passenger


----------



## Derideo_Te

Pogo said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Goddess_Ashtara said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe
> 
> If God exists, do you think God would look more like Zeus, or a dragon?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ass-U-Me-ing God exists, I'm going to guess God looks like everything and nothing at the same time.  I think giving Him either Monkey or reptilian attributes would be seriously selling Him short.  Ass-U-Me-ing He exists.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> If God is a He, who is the Female that makes Him one by comparison?
> 
> Are they properly married, or living in Sin?
Click to expand...


Joe,

Following up on Pogo's questions;

Who would have the authority to marry God and *HER* significant other? 

Since God must be an Atheist by definition doesn't it make sense that all followers of God should do likewise and be Atheists too?


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Derideo_Te said:


> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ass-U-Me-ing God exists, I'm going to guess God looks like everything and nothing at the same time.  I think giving Him either Monkey or reptilian attributes would be seriously selling Him short.  Ass-U-Me-ing He exists.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> If God is a He, who is the Female that makes Him one by comparison?
> 
> Are they properly married, or living in Sin?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Joe,
> 
> Following up on Pogo's questions;
> 
> Who would have the authority to marry God and *HER* significant other?
> 
> Since God must be an Atheist by definition doesn't it make sense that all followers of God should do likewise and be Atheists too?
Click to expand...



"We are joined together in the Sight of MySelf, today, to formally wed Me to My soon to be Wife!"

Why would an Almighty, Divine, Omniscient God "have" to (by definition or otherwise) be an atheist?

In fact, that makes zero sense.  A God is not allowed by the laws of basic logic to believe in Himself?  Why not?


----------



## Derideo_Te

IlarMeilyr said:


> Derideo_Te said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> If God is a He, who is the Female that makes Him one by comparison?
> 
> Are they properly married, or living in Sin?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Joe,
> 
> Following up on Pogo's questions;
> 
> Who would have the authority to marry God and *HER* significant other?
> 
> Since God must be an Atheist by definition doesn't it make sense that all followers of God should do likewise and be Atheists too?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> "We are joined together in the Sight of MySelf, today, to formally wed Me to My soon to be Wife!"
> 
> Why would an Almighty, Divine, Omniscient God "have" to (by definition or otherwise) be an atheist?
> 
> In fact, that makes zero sense.  A God is not allowed by the laws of basic logic to believe in Himself?  Why not?
Click to expand...


If God was omniscient then She would not need to believe in anything at all since the definition of omniscient is all knowing, therefore no belief is necessary. With absolute knowledge nothing needs to be taken "on trust" either. With absolute power there is no doubt that something cannot be accomplished. 

So God has no need to believe in anything including Herself. Therefore She is an Atheist by all of the terms used to define Her.


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Derideo_Te said:


> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Derideo_Te said:
> 
> 
> 
> Joe,
> 
> Following up on Pogo's questions;
> 
> Who would have the authority to marry God and *HER* significant other?
> 
> Since God must be an Atheist by definition doesn't it make sense that all followers of God should do likewise and be Atheists too?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> "We are joined together in the Sight of MySelf, today, to formally wed Me to My soon to be Wife!"
> 
> Why would an Almighty, Divine, Omniscient God "have" to (by definition or otherwise) be an atheist?
> 
> In fact, that makes zero sense.  A God is not allowed by the laws of basic logic to believe in Himself?  Why not?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> If God was omniscient then She would not need to believe in anything at all since the definition of omniscient is all knowing, therefore no belief is necessary. With absolute knowledge nothing needs to be taken "on trust" either. With absolute power there is no doubt that something cannot be accomplished.
> 
> So God has no need to believe in anything including Herself. Therefore She is an Atheist by all of the terms used to define Her.
Click to expand...



Semantic silliness.  I "Believe" that which I know.  

God may do so as well.

(If I am bound by gravity to Earth and I drop the hammer, I not only "believe" it will fall down to the ground, I "know" it too.)

An atheist does not "believe" in God.  But God may very well KNOW that He exists and therefore God rightly believes it.  Thus, God is not an atheist.


----------



## IlarMeilyr

There is we presume no limit on God.  

Ergo, if *I* can properly say, "I think, therefore I Am"; then so may God.

God is presumably very much Aware of His Own ability to think.  Thus, God is in the position to know of His own Existence.  

There is no logical reason that denies to Him (or to anybody else) the right and the ability to believe in the things He knows.


----------



## Derideo_Te

Ironic that you used the term "semantic silliness" and then proceeded to indulge in semantic silliness. 

God is an Atheist because she can use Omnipotent Duct Tape to fix anything at any time She chooses.


----------



## Esmeralda

Dear Joe,

Does 'God' look anything like Oprah Winfrey?


----------



## percysunshine

IlarMeilyr said:


> There is we presume no limit on God.
> 
> Ergo, if *I* can properly say, "I think, therefore I Am"; then so may God.
> 
> God is presumably very much Aware of His Own ability to think.  Thus, God is in the position to know of His own Existence.
> 
> There is no logical reason that denies to Him (or to anybody else) the right and the ability to believe in the things He knows.




The only limit on an average joe, is Ann Landers....






From now on, I am going to remember this picture every time average joe posts something...


----------



## Esmeralda

She certainly has lovely hair.


----------



## Pogo

AVG-JOE said:


> DriftingSand said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> Okay. I bought this new doo-hicky a few days ago to go along with my whats-it. I don't have instructions but there's a what-cha-ma-call-it that's supposed to connect the doo-hicky to the whats-it but I don't have a what-cha-ma-call-it. I do, however, have a thing-a-ma-jig.  Is there a way I can replace the what-cha-ma-call-it with the thing-a-ma-jig?
> 
> Signed, anxious in Denver
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Yes indeed!  Just order a flangheimer adapter from Acme Supply and hope that you have room on your chassis.
> Just don't let [MENTION=19170]Coyote[/MENTION] help with the installation!
Click to expand...


Dear Joe:

Speaking of framistans, what do you think of this product?  I'm watching one on eBay.

""


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Derideo_Te said:


> Ironic that you used the term "semantic silliness" and then proceeded to indulge in semantic silliness.
> 
> God is an Atheist because she can use Omnipotent Duct Tape to fix anything at any time She chooses.



I was merely extending your semantic silliness, but doing it by resort to logic.

And the fact that I am right is established by your implicit concession.

If you doubt this, just ask Joe.


----------



## IlarMeilyr

percysunshine said:


> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> There is we presume no limit on God.
> 
> Ergo, if *I* can properly say, "I think, therefore I Am"; then so may God.
> 
> God is presumably very much Aware of His Own ability to think.  Thus, God is in the position to know of His own Existence.
> 
> There is no logical reason that denies to Him (or to anybody else) the right and the ability to believe in the things He knows.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The only limit on an average joe, is Ann Landers....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> From now on, I am going to remember this picture every time average joe posts something...
Click to expand...


She spoke with a lisp.

I wonder if Joe does, too?


----------



## Derideo_Te

IlarMeilyr said:


> Derideo_Te said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ironic that you used the term "semantic silliness" and then proceeded to indulge in semantic silliness.
> 
> God is an Atheist because she can use Omnipotent Duct Tape to fix anything at any time She chooses.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I was merely extending your semantic silliness, but doing it by resort to logic.
> 
> And the fact that I am right is established by your implicit concession.
> 
> If you doubt this, just ask Joe.
Click to expand...



Joe,

Ilar still has doubts that he can "logically" prove his point. Please be so kind as to explain logically that God (if she existed) would be an Atheist given all of the current terms that are used to describe her.

TYIA
 on the Jersey Shore.


----------



## Pogo

Derideo_Te said:


> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Derideo_Te said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ironic that you used the term "semantic silliness" and then proceeded to indulge in semantic silliness.
> 
> God is an Atheist because she can use Omnipotent Duct Tape to fix anything at any time She chooses.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I was merely extending your semantic silliness, but doing it by resort to logic.
> 
> And the fact that I am right is established by your implicit concession.
> 
> If you doubt this, just ask Joe.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Joe,
> 
> Ilar still has doubts that he can "logically" prove his point. Please be so kind as to explain logically that God (if she existed) would be an Atheist given all of the current terms that are used to describe her.
> 
> TYIA
> on the Jersey Shore.
Click to expand...


Dear Joe:

Given the conceptual definition of "God", how could God have Her own "God"?

Who created God?  And once we establish That, Who created _That _God?

And so on and so on? 

Does God therefore look like this?

""


Or did She clone herself parthenogenically from a Holy Stem Cell?

And if She did create herSelf, what was her previous job?  I mean how do we know She's even qualified?  Does She have a Birth Certificate?


----------



## Vandalshandle

Pogo said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> DriftingSand said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> Okay. I bought this new doo-hicky a few days ago to go along with my whats-it. I don't have instructions but there's a what-cha-ma-call-it that's supposed to connect the doo-hicky to the whats-it but I don't have a what-cha-ma-call-it. I do, however, have a thing-a-ma-jig.  Is there a way I can replace the what-cha-ma-call-it with the thing-a-ma-jig?
> 
> Signed, anxious in Denver
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Yes indeed!  Just order a flangheimer adapter from Acme Supply and hope that you have room on your chassis.
> Just don't let [MENTION=19170]Coyote[/MENTION] help with the installation!
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> Speaking of framistans, what do you think of this product?  I'm watching one on eBay.
> 
> [ame="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9k9x2gUHbQs"]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9k9x2gUHbQs[/ame]
Click to expand...


Pogo,

Don't buy it. I bought one, and it shorted out the very first time I tried to fill the solenoid capacitor with coconut oil.


----------



## Vandalshandle

Joe,

Do you think that the death of Phil Everly is going to have a negative impact on the professional career of the Everly brothers, or will he just become a silent partner, sort of like Jan (of Jan and Dean) after his auto accident?


----------



## Derideo_Te

Vandalshandle said:


> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yes indeed!  Just order a flangheimer adapter from Acme Supply and hope that you have room on your chassis.
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGlBIod-cPg
> Just don't let [MENTION=19170]Coyote[/MENTION] help with the installation!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> Speaking of framistans, what do you think of this product?  I'm watching one on eBay.
> 
> [ame="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9k9x2gUHbQs"]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9k9x2gUHbQs[/ame]
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Pogo,
> 
> Don't buy it. I bought one, and it shorted out the very first time I tried to fill the solenoid capacitor with coconut oil.
Click to expand...


 You can't just use OTC coconut oil! It has to be denaturized, homolgulated, priaxite coconut oil from Garbonzo palms grown on south, south west facing beaches. No wonder it shorted. The electronitic enzymological detractors would have underloaded and quadcoupled the enfragogulative transformers.


----------



## percysunshine

Dear Joe;

I have a dachshund that likes to clean our living room carpet with his tongue every evening. Dust, dirt, sweaty feet secretions... everything.

Is this healthy for a dog?


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Derideo_Te said:


> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Derideo_Te said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ironic that you used the term "semantic silliness" and then proceeded to indulge in semantic silliness.
> 
> God is an Atheist because she can use Omnipotent Duct Tape to fix anything at any time She chooses.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I was merely extending your semantic silliness, but doing it by resort to logic.
> 
> And the fact that I am right is established by your implicit concession.
> 
> If you doubt this, just ask Joe.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Joe,
> 
> Ilar still has doubts that he can "logically" prove his point. Please be so kind as to explain logically that God (if she existed) would be an Atheist given all of the current terms that are used to describe her.
> 
> TYIA
> on the Jersey Shore.
Click to expand...


I DID prove my point via logic.

That you failed to grasp it is on you.  But there may be help for you:  Ask Joe.

But, this time, try asking him the right question with the correct premises.


----------



## Esmeralda

Dear Joe,

If a tree fell in the forest, and there was no one there to hear it, would USMB members still argue?

(I'm still waiting to hear about the connection between Oprah and God. Thanks in advance.  )


----------



## Esmeralda

Pogo said:


> Derideo_Te said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> I was merely extending your semantic silliness, but doing it by resort to logic.
> 
> And the fact that I am right is established by your implicit concession.
> 
> If you doubt this, just ask Joe.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Joe,
> 
> Ilar still has doubts that he can "logically" prove his point. Please be so kind as to explain logically that God (if she existed) would be an Atheist given all of the current terms that are used to describe her.
> 
> TYIA
> on the Jersey Shore.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> Given the conceptual definition of "God", how could God have Her own "God"?
> 
> Who created God?  And once we establish That, Who created _That _God?
> 
> And so on and so on?
> 
> Does God therefore look like this?
> 
> [ame="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCjmDI4AJlk"]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCjmDI4AJlk[/ame]
> 
> 
> Or did She clone herself parthenogenically from a Holy Stem Cell?
> 
> And if She did create herSelf, what was her previous job?  I mean how do we know She's even qualified?  Does She have a Birth Certificate?
Click to expand...


God does not look like Heather Locklear!   Heather Locklear is the mirror image of the Devil.    Her previous job was obviously prostitution, and she was  born outside the universe, her  birth certificate says so, thus she is completely unqualified to be God.  And, worst of all, one of her parents was NOT Christian, so how could she be qualified to be God?


----------



## CorvusRexus

Dear Joe:

How on Earth do you get a girl to go out with you?


----------



## Statistikhengst

Dear Joe,

I just bought a Japanese made product with the following user instructions:

"Insert loving tip of Sensei Warrior into soft Lotus Flower in spring. Twist in the direction of the rising run. If not wet enough, insert again, but coax Lotus Flower into Kabuki position. 240 V"


So, can I use this electic shaver, or not?

translatingly yours,

Stat


----------



## Pogo

Derideo_Te said:


> Vandalshandle said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> Speaking of framistans, what do you think of this product?  I'm watching one on eBay.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9k9x2gUHbQs
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Pogo,
> 
> Don't buy it. I bought one, and it shorted out the very first time I tried to fill the solenoid capacitor with coconut oil.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> You can't just use OTC coconut oil! It has to be denaturized, homolgulated, priaxite coconut oil from Garbonzo palms grown on south, south west facing beaches. No wonder it shorted. The electronitic enzymological detractors would have underloaded and quadcoupled the enfragogulative transformers.
Click to expand...




Now you're just being impultuous.


----------



## Pogo

IlarMeilyr said:


> Derideo_Te said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> I was merely extending your semantic silliness, but doing it by resort to logic.
> 
> And the fact that I am right is established by your implicit concession.
> 
> If you doubt this, just ask Joe.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Joe,
> 
> Ilar still has doubts that he can "logically" prove his point. Please be so kind as to explain logically that God (if she existed) would be an Atheist given all of the current terms that are used to describe her.
> 
> TYIA
> on the Jersey Shore.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> I DID prove my point via logic.
> 
> That you failed to grasp it is on you.  But there may be help for you:  Ask Joe.
> 
> But, this time, try asking him the right question with the correct premises.
Click to expand...



Dear Joe:

What exactly ARE the right premises?  If my key works in the door and all my stuff is here, am I not home?


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Pogo said:


> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Derideo_Te said:
> 
> 
> 
> Joe,
> 
> Ilar still has doubts that he can "logically" prove his point. Please be so kind as to explain logically that God (if she existed) would be an Atheist given all of the current terms that are used to describe her.
> 
> TYIA
> on the Jersey Shore.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I DID prove my point via logic.
> 
> That you failed to grasp it is on you.  But there may be help for you:  Ask Joe.
> 
> But, this time, try asking him the right question with the correct premises.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> What exactly ARE the right premises?  If my key works in the door and all my stuff is here, am I not home?
Click to expand...




It pains me to have to admit it when Pogo makes a funny that IS actually funny.

But, wtf?

I liked that one.


----------



## percysunshine

So where is Joe anyway? 

He has a gigantic inbox.


----------



## Vandalshandle

percysunshine said:


> So where is Joe anyway?
> 
> He has a gigantic inbox.



Joe the Seer of all Wisdom sometimes goes on retreat. He consults with the Guru of Ultimate Enlightenment, Sooth Sayer. (otherwise known as "Guess"), who lives on the highest elevated spot of land in Kansas.  There he meditates while putting himself in a Bud Light induced trance, until he feels the calling to return, and impart his wisdom. He also uses that time to read old Ann Landers columns.


----------



## Esmeralda

Dear Joe, 

What happens to socks?

You put them in the wash in pairs, but somewhere along the line, one will simply disappear, never to be seen again.  I think there may be something going on here that only those beyond the grave may understand, but, seeing as you are all knowing, I come to you for an answer.

Signed, 
Bewildered and bewitched in Peoria
(not to mention, a little bit bothered)


----------



## AVG-JOE

Geaux4it said:


> Joe Mama
> 
> Is there anything we can do to get the cheap ass traveler to stop bringing on roller-boards and crushing my  swag?
> 
> Check that bag!
> 
> V/R
> Zone 5 Passenger



No, not really... "Cheap ass" is an Evolutionary trait with a lot of value in a competitive environment.

You may want to start puttin' your swag in a bag.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Derideo_Te said:


> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ass-U-Me-ing God exists, I'm going to guess God looks like everything and nothing at the same time.  I think giving Him either Monkey or reptilian attributes would be seriously selling Him short.  Ass-U-Me-ing He exists.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> If God is a He, who is the Female that makes Him one by comparison?
> 
> Are they properly married, or living in Sin?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Joe,
> 
> Following up on Pogo's questions;
> 
> Who would have the authority to marry God and *HER* significant other?
> 
> Since God must be an Atheist by definition doesn't it make sense that all followers of God should do likewise and be Atheists too?
Click to expand...


I have no way of answering that since the God I picture in my assumptions needs no husband or wife to be made complete.

The question that continues to frost me is, what does God DO all day?  He already knows EVERYthing!


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> Does 'God' look anything like Oprah Winfrey?



Like I said before, I assume that God looks like everything and nothing at the same time.  I'm pretty sure that Oprah/Jimmy fits in there somewhere.


----------



## Goddess_Ashtara

Joe.

What's is the seven headed dragon with ten horns?

-Ash


----------



## Derideo_Te

AVG-JOE said:


> Derideo_Te said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> If God is a He, who is the Female that makes Him one by comparison?
> 
> Are they properly married, or living in Sin?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Joe,
> 
> Following up on Pogo's questions;
> 
> Who would have the authority to marry God and *HER* significant other?
> 
> Since God must be an Atheist by definition doesn't it make sense that all followers of God should do likewise and be Atheists too?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> I have no way of answering that since the God I picture in my assumptions needs no husband or wife to be made complete.
> 
> *The question that continues to frost me is, what does God DO all day?  *He already knows EVERYthing!
Click to expand...


That is why there is a Mrs God. She finds things for him to do all day! 

But you bring up an interesting point. Was the Universe God's Magnum Opus and he has done nothing ever since? Seems kind of pointless to just do one thing and then nothing more thereafter. 

So my questions to you, Joe, are what is God going to do to top the creation of the Universe? What will be his next act? Will there be a sequel or something entirely different? 

Stay tuned to the same Joe channel and time to find out.


----------



## Esmeralda

Derideo_Te said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Derideo_Te said:
> 
> 
> 
> Joe,
> 
> Following up on Pogo's questions;
> 
> Who would have the authority to marry God and *HER* significant other?
> 
> Since God must be an Atheist by definition doesn't it make sense that all followers of God should do likewise and be Atheists too?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I have no way of answering that since the God I picture in my assumptions needs no husband or wife to be made complete.
> 
> *The question that continues to frost me is, what does God DO all day?  *He already knows EVERYthing!
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> That is why there is a Mrs God. She finds things for him to do all day!
Click to expand...

God's honey do list.  LOL


----------



## Vandalshandle

Dear Joe,

I have another train question.

If a train leaves New Orleans at 40 MPH at 8 AM, bound for Florida, how long will it take the engineer to realize that they never replaced the track that was washed away by Katrina?

Sidetracked in Biloxi


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pogo said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> DriftingSand said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> Okay. I bought this new doo-hicky a few days ago to go along with my whats-it. I don't have instructions but there's a what-cha-ma-call-it that's supposed to connect the doo-hicky to the whats-it but I don't have a what-cha-ma-call-it. I do, however, have a thing-a-ma-jig.  Is there a way I can replace the what-cha-ma-call-it with the thing-a-ma-jig?
> 
> Signed, anxious in Denver
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Yes indeed!  Just order a flangheimer adapter from Acme Supply and hope that you have room on your chassis.
> Just don't let [MENTION=19170]Coyote[/MENTION] help with the installation!
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> Speaking of framistans, what do you think of this product?  I'm watching one on eBay.
> 
> [ame="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9k9x2gUHbQs"]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9k9x2gUHbQs[/ame]
Click to expand...


I think you should pony up the extra dough for the one that slices, dices, chops and bops, too.

Think of it like investing, not like spending.


----------



## AVG-JOE

IlarMeilyr said:


> percysunshine said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> There is we presume no limit on God.
> 
> Ergo, if *I* can properly say, "I think, therefore I Am"; then so may God.
> 
> God is presumably very much Aware of His Own ability to think.  Thus, God is in the position to know of His own Existence.
> 
> There is no logical reason that denies to Him (or to anybody else) the right and the ability to believe in the things He knows.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The only limit on an average joe, is Ann Landers....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> From now on, I am going to remember this picture every time average joe posts something...
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> She spoke with a lisp.
> 
> I wonder if Joe does, too?
Click to expand...


Wonder no more, young Jedi... I do not.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Derideo_Te said:


> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Derideo_Te said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ironic that you used the term "semantic silliness" and then proceeded to indulge in semantic silliness.
> 
> God is an Atheist because she can use Omnipotent Duct Tape to fix anything at any time She chooses.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I was merely extending your semantic silliness, but doing it by resort to logic.
> 
> And the fact that I am right is established by your implicit concession.
> 
> If you doubt this, just ask Joe.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Joe,
> 
> Ilar still has doubts that he can "logically" prove his point. Please be so kind as to explain logically that God (if she existed) would be an Atheist given all of the current terms that are used to describe her.
> 
> TYIA
> on the Jersey Shore.
Click to expand...



Sorry Bud...
Can't do it.​
If God is, I believe that She believes in Himself.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pogo said:


> Derideo_Te said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> I was merely extending your semantic silliness, but doing it by resort to logic.
> 
> And the fact that I am right is established by your implicit concession.
> 
> If you doubt this, just ask Joe.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Joe,
> 
> Ilar still has doubts that he can "logically" prove his point. Please be so kind as to explain logically that God (if she existed) would be an Atheist given all of the current terms that are used to describe her.
> 
> TYIA
> on the Jersey Shore.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> Given the conceptual definition of "God", how could God have Her own "God"?
> 
> Who created God?  And once we establish That, Who created _That _God?
> 
> And so on and so on?
> 
> Does God therefore look like this?
> 
> ""
> 
> 
> Or did She clone herself parthenogenically from a Holy Stem Cell?
> 
> And if She did create herSelf, what was her previous job?  I mean how do we know She's even qualified?  Does She have a Birth Certificate?
Click to expand...


The answer to these questions is pretty involved...
I have provided a link:  Religion and Ethics - US Message Board - Political Discussion Forum​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Joe,
> 
> Do you think that the death of Phil Everly is going to have a negative impact on the professional career of the Everly brothers, or will he just become a silent partner, sort of like Jan (of Jan and Dean) after his auto accident?



Phil's GONE?!?  
​


----------



## Statistikhengst

Oh, noes!!!


----------



## Statistikhengst

Dear Joe,

If a 5 year old child sits down, examines the dirt in his fingernails and comes to the conclusion that an entire universe could be within that dirt and he had better not clean it off, cost what is will, is that five year old

a.) brillilant
b.) crazy as a bat
c.) Statistikhengst on a hot Middletown, OH day in 1968

???


----------



## AVG-JOE

Derideo_Te said:


> Vandalshandle said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> Speaking of framistans, what do you think of this product?  I'm watching one on eBay.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9k9x2gUHbQs
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Pogo,
> 
> Don't buy it. I bought one, and it shorted out the very first time I tried to fill the solenoid capacitor with coconut oil.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> You can't just use OTC coconut oil! It has to be denaturized, homolgulated, priaxite coconut oil from Garbonzo palms grown on south, south west facing beaches. No wonder it shorted. The electronitic enzymological detractors would have underloaded and quadcoupled the enfragogulative transformers.
Click to expand...




Still doesn't make it chop, bop, slice or dice.  


`​


----------



## AVG-JOE

percysunshine said:


> Dear Joe;
> 
> I have a dachshund that likes to clean our living room carpet with his tongue every evening. Dust, dirt, sweaty feet secretions... everything.
> 
> Is this healthy for a dog?



No.  

I know that it makes you *feel* funny, and that feeling gives you a boost in The 4F, but you need to stop wearing salami in your socks, Bro'.


----------



## AVG-JOE

IlarMeilyr said:


> Derideo_Te said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> I was merely extending your semantic silliness, but doing it by resort to logic.
> 
> And the fact that I am right is established by your implicit concession.
> 
> If you doubt this, just ask Joe.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Joe,
> 
> Ilar still has doubts that he can "logically" prove his point. Please be so kind as to explain logically that God (if she existed) would be an Atheist given all of the current terms that are used to describe her.
> 
> TYIA
> on the Jersey Shore.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> I DID prove my point via logic.
> 
> That you failed to grasp it is on you.  But there may be help for you:  Ask Joe.
> 
> But, this time, try asking him the right question with the correct premises.
Click to expand...


There's such a thing as a wrong question?  


I did NOT know that!


----------



## Vandalshandle

I hate to have to say it, Joe, but Phil Everly just hasn't been himself since he died.....


----------



## Pogo

AVG-JOE said:


> Derideo_Te said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> I was merely extending your semantic silliness, but doing it by resort to logic.
> 
> And the fact that I am right is established by your implicit concession.
> 
> If you doubt this, just ask Joe.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Joe,
> 
> Ilar still has doubts that he can "logically" prove his point. Please be so kind as to explain logically that God (if she existed) would be an Atheist given all of the current terms that are used to describe her.
> 
> TYIA
> on the Jersey Shore.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry Bud...
> Can't do it.​
> If God is, I believe that She believes in Himself.
Click to expand...


Astutely phrased.  But begs another question ---

... Are we saying God is capable of anything, yet incapable of self-doubt?


For that matter, what kind of self-help Books are on God's Bookshelf? 
What does God Read in general?  Other than this thread?


----------



## Esmeralda

Dear Joe, 

If one and one make two, how is it that mommy (1) and daddy (1) make baby (3)?  Math is so confusing.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> If a tree fell in the forest, and there was no one there to hear it, would USMB members still argue?
> 
> (I'm still waiting to hear about the connection between Oprah and God. Thanks in advance.  )



Yes, but they argue over pixels instead of paper, so the trees don't mind so much.


I don't think that there is a connection between Oprah and God.    Other than the probability of Jimmy Hoffa having been a Catholic.


----------



## AVG-JOE

CorvusRexus said:


> Dear Joe:
> 
> How on Earth do you get a girl to go out with you?



I married her.  I've had a date for every New Years since


----------



## AVG-JOE

Statistikhengst said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> I just bought a Japanese made product with the following user instructions:
> 
> "Insert loving tip of Sensei Warrior into soft Lotus Flower in spring. Twist in the direction of the rising run. If not wet enough, insert again, but coax Lotus Flower into Kabuki position. 240 V"
> 
> 
> So, can I use this electic shaver, or not?
> 
> translatingly yours,
> 
> Stat



Yes.  But not on your face.


----------



## Statistikhengst




----------



## AVG-JOE

Pogo said:


> Derideo_Te said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Vandalshandle said:
> 
> 
> 
> Pogo,
> 
> Don't buy it. I bought one, and it shorted out the very first time I tried to fill the solenoid capacitor with coconut oil.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You can't just use OTC coconut oil! It has to be denaturized, homolgulated, priaxite coconut oil from Garbonzo palms grown on south, south west facing beaches. No wonder it shorted. The electronitic enzymological detractors would have underloaded and quadcoupled the enfragogulative transformers.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Now you're just being impultuous.
Click to expand...


  You say that like it's a *bad* thing!​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pogo said:


> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Derideo_Te said:
> 
> 
> 
> Joe,
> 
> Ilar still has doubts that he can "logically" prove his point. Please be so kind as to explain logically that God (if she existed) would be an Atheist given all of the current terms that are used to describe her.
> 
> TYIA
> on the Jersey Shore.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I DID prove my point via logic.
> 
> That you failed to grasp it is on you.  But there may be help for you:  Ask Joe.
> 
> But, this time, try asking him the right question with the correct premises.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> What exactly ARE the right premises?  If my key works in the door and all my stuff is here, am I not home?
Click to expand...


  Home is where the stuff is, and the way to a man's heart hangs just below his stomach!


----------



## Statistikhengst

AVG-JOE said:


> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> I DID prove my point via logic.
> 
> That you failed to grasp it is on you.  But there may be help for you:  Ask Joe.
> 
> But, this time, try asking him the right question with the correct premises.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> What exactly ARE the right premises?  If my key works in the door and all my stuff is here, am I not home?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Home is where the stuff is, and* the way to a man's heart hangs just below his stomach!*
Click to expand...



Well, I always the way to mine to be a little more to the south than that.


----------



## Manonthestreet

Hey Joe,
Are you related to the Great OZ?  You present as a nebulous everyman, an AVG JOE behind a cyber curtain but who doesn't require supplicants to provide proof of worthiness yet you can almost see their elevation and wonder as they float away muttering to themselves " yes......YES ...it makes so much sense now.."


----------



## AVG-JOE

percysunshine said:


> So where is Joe anyway?
> 
> He has a gigantic inbox.



You have no idea.


----------



## Vandalshandle

Dear Joe,

Who will help me bake this cake?

The Little Red Hen


----------



## Goddess_Ashtara

Joe ya never answered mah question >:O

What's a seven headed dragon with ten horns?

-Ash


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> percysunshine said:
> 
> 
> 
> So where is Joe anyway?
> 
> He has a gigantic inbox.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Joe the Seer of all Wisdom sometimes goes on retreat. He consults with the Guru of Ultimate Enlightenment, Sooth Sayer. (otherwise known as "Guess"), who lives on the highest elevated spot of land in Kansas.  There he meditates while putting himself in a Bud Light induced trance, until he feels the calling to return, and impart his wisdom. He also uses that time to read old Ann Landers columns.
Click to expand...


Close... I NEVER drink light beer.  There's not much point.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> What happens to socks?
> 
> You put them in the wash in pairs, but somewhere along the line, one will simply disappear, never to be seen again.  I think there may be something going on here that only those beyond the grave may understand, but, seeing as you are all knowing, I come to you for an answer.
> 
> Signed,
> Bewildered and bewitched in Peoria
> (not to mention, a little bit bothered)




Unpaired socks become the property of USMB when they show up here, and, once discovered, they are stored in a small closet behind The Flame Zone.  This is unfortunate because every Friday things get pretty hot in there, and most socks have enough synthetic fiber in their being to simply melt away when the frivolity starts flyin' hot & heavy.



I know!!  It's surprising that money doesn't change hands, but there you have it.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Goddess_Ashtara said:


> Joe.
> 
> What's is the seven headed dragon with ten horns?
> 
> -Ash




I am, according to a couple of posts in the Religion and Philosophy forums.  



But seriously...  I believe that in Bible Prophesy circles, that particular beast turns out to be some variation of Europe, the seven heads and ten horns referring to various countries.


----------



## Pop23

Joe:

Are you drunk or am I drunk and you just look drunk. 

And a follow up question if I may. 

How do I stop this room from spinning

Thanks in advance

Poppertop


----------



## Derideo_Te

Joe,

Who left the cake out in the rain?

Wet and miserable
MacArthur Park







""


----------



## AVG-JOE

Derideo_Te said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Derideo_Te said:
> 
> 
> 
> Joe,
> 
> Following up on Pogo's questions;
> 
> Who would have the authority to marry God and *HER* significant other?
> 
> Since God must be an Atheist by definition doesn't it make sense that all followers of God should do likewise and be Atheists too?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I have no way of answering that since the God I picture in my assumptions needs no husband or wife to be made complete.
> 
> *The question that continues to frost me is, what does God DO all day?  *He already knows EVERYthing!
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> That is why there is a Mrs God. She finds things for him to do all day!
> 
> But you bring up an interesting point. Was the Universe God's Magnum Opus and he has done nothing ever since? Seems kind of pointless to just do one thing and then nothing more thereafter.
> 
> So my questions to you, Joe, are what is God going to do to top the creation of the Universe? What will be his next act? Will there be a sequel or something entirely different?
> 
> Stay tuned to the same Joe channel and time to find out.
Click to expand...


Anticipate the Divine.....?   




Any success would be luck and nothing more.  ​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> I have another train question.
> 
> If a train leaves New Orleans at 40 MPH at 8 AM, bound for Florida, how long will it take the engineer to realize that they never replaced the track that was washed away by Katrina?
> 
> Sidetracked in Biloxi



Long enough for a quick stop at The Love Shack!


----------



## AVG-JOE

Statistikhengst said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> If a 5 year old child sits down, examines the dirt in his fingernails and comes to the conclusion that an entire universe could be within that dirt and he had better not clean it off, cost what is will, is that five year old
> 
> a.) brillilant
> b.) crazy as a bat
> c.) Statistikhengst on a hot Middletown, OH day in 1968
> 
> ???



d.)  All of the Above.​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> I hate to have to say it, Joe, but Phil Everly just hasn't been himself since he died.....



Happens to the best of us, Bro'.
Happens to the best.​
_
"Come out Virginia, don't hesitate!"_​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pogo said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Derideo_Te said:
> 
> 
> 
> Joe,
> 
> Ilar still has doubts that he can "logically" prove his point. Please be so kind as to explain logically that God (if she existed) would be an Atheist given all of the current terms that are used to describe her.
> 
> TYIA
> on the Jersey Shore.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry Bud...
> Can't do it.​
> If God is, I believe that She believes in Himself.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Astutely phrased.  But begs another question ---
> 
> ... Are we saying God is capable of anything, yet incapable of self-doubt?
> 
> 
> For that matter, what kind of self-help Books are on God's Bookshelf?
> What does God Read in general?  Other than this thread?
Click to expand...


The Joke's on the Monkeys, Brother.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> If one and one make two, how is it that mommy (1) and daddy (1) make baby (3)?  Math is so confusing.



_"They are One Person, they are Two Alone, they are Three Together, they are Four...... Each Other."_


Love ROCKS!!!  ​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Manonthestreet said:


> Hey Joe,
> Are you related to the Great OZ?  You present as a nebulous everyman, an AVG JOE behind a cyber curtain but who doesn't require supplicants to provide proof of worthiness yet you can almost see their elevation and wonder as they float away muttering to themselves " yes......YES ...it makes so much sense now.."



No relation to Oz... Neither the Great Wizard nor the Great Doctor.  Just another swinging dick lucky enough to have a few years of awareness on the Monkey Timeline.

The only thing more cool than looking at the stars is looking at them and understanding what they are.
Sentience ROCKS!!  ​


As far as my goal as a writer goes, I speak my changing mind and I try to be entertaining.  That I make sense is dumb luck and mostly the fault of my mother and her strict lessons on spellin' and grammar.  Poor writing rarely entertains because it's tough to make sense of.
  Savvy?​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> Who will help me bake this cake?
> 
> The Little Red Hen



What kind of cakes do chickens like to bake?  





   It's amazing the shit you can find when you put seemingly unrelated words in to various search engines.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Goddess_Ashtara said:


> Joe ya never answered mah question >:O
> 
> What's a seven headed dragon with ten horns?
> 
> -Ash



Patience, Grasshopper.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pop23 said:


> Joe:
> 
> Are you drunk or am I drunk and you just look drunk.
> 
> And a follow up question if I may.
> 
> How do I stop this room from spinning
> 
> Thanks in advance
> 
> Poppertop



Based on the Timestamp on your post, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Derideo_Te said:


> Joe,
> 
> Who left the cake out in the rain?
> 
> Wet and miserable
> MacArthur Park
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRwYQgk05DY



I've gotta love a Monkey who answers his own questions!!


----------



## Derideo_Te

Dear Joe

Do you 'ave a leesonse for your minkie?

signed
Pink in Paris

""


----------



## Statistikhengst

lol...


----------



## Vandalshandle

Dear Joe,

If I were to drive my Cadillac at the speed of light, would my headlights be visible to the 100,000 year old man on Pluto that Shirley McClain channels?


----------



## Pogo

Vandalshandle said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> If I were to drive my Cadillac at the speed of light, would my headlights be visible to the 100,000 year old man on Pluto that Shirley McClain channels?



Dear Joe, two questions:

If I were to drive my Yugo just beyond the speed of light, (a) could I see myself in my rear view mirror?  And (2), how much of a tip should I give my mechanic?


----------



## Derideo_Te

Pogo said:


> Vandalshandle said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> If I were to drive my Cadillac at the speed of light, would my headlights be visible to the 100,000 year old man on Pluto that Shirley McClain channels?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe, two questions:
> 
> If I were to drive my Yugo just beyond the speed of light, (a) could I see myself in my rear view mirror?  And (2), how much of a tip should I give my mechanic?
Click to expand...


Dear Joe

How many points will Pogo end up with on his driving licences for exceeding the speed of light limit?


----------



## Pogo

Derideo_Te said:


> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Vandalshandle said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> If I were to drive my Cadillac at the speed of light, would my headlights be visible to the 100,000 year old man on Pluto that Shirley McClain channels?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe, two questions:
> 
> If I were to drive my Yugo just beyond the speed of light, (a) could I see myself in my rear view mirror?  And (2), how much of a tip should I give my mechanic?
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Dear Joe
> 
> How many points will Pogo end up with on his driving licences for exceeding the speed of light limit?
Click to expand...


Dear Joe:

If I'm going beyond the speed of light, is the speed limit sign even visible?

And if I text while driving at that speed, will I get a response yesterday?


----------



## Pogo

Dear Joe:  easy one...

Derideo_Te claims "The font of all knowledge".  If this is true, who has the knowledge of all fonts?


----------



## Vandalshandle

Pogo said:


> Dear Joe:  easy one...
> 
> Derideo_Te claims "The font of all knowledge".  If this is true, who has the knowledge of all fonts?



I can answer that. Microsoft owns all fonts, and you and I owe them 10 cents each just for these two messages.


----------



## Statistikhengst

Dear Joe,

If a gigabyte eats a megabyte for lunch, who eats the gigabyte for dinner?

Curious for knowledge in Köln,

-Stat


----------



## Pop23

Statistikhengst said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> If a gigabyte eats a megabyte for lunch, who eats the gigabyte for dinner?
> 
> Curious for knowledge in Köln,
> 
> -Stat



Annnnnndddddd

How much does one tip for such a meal?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Derideo_Te said:


> Dear Joe
> 
> Do you 'ave a leesonse for your minkie?
> 
> signed
> Pink in Paris
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93ZDOcU2TL4



The Monkey needs to convince the monkey to pay the license bribe so that the two of them can earn enough money on the street to buy a nice suit for the Monkey, so the monkey can start booking the two of them for weddings and bar mitzvahs.

It's a weird team where the Monkey is the entertainer and the monkey is the business brains, but there you have it.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> If I were to drive my Cadillac at the speed of light, would my headlights be visible to the 100,000 year old man on Pluto that Shirley McClain channels?



Probably not.... at his age, he sleeps a LOT, and even he can't detect compressed light waves through closed eyelids.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pogo said:


> Vandalshandle said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> If I were to drive my Cadillac at the speed of light, would my headlights be visible to the 100,000 year old man on Pluto that Shirley McClain channels?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe, two questions:
> 
> If I were to drive my Yugo just beyond the speed of light, (a) could I see myself in my rear view mirror?  And (2), how much of a tip should I give my mechanic?
Click to expand...


​
A Yugo at the speed of light!  Good one!

If you have a mechanic that can get your Yugo over 186, 282 mps, give him whatever he wants.... and yes, you'll see yourself in the rear-view, but it will be yesterday's image staring back at you.

Kind of creepy, if you ask me  ​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Derideo_Te said:


> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Vandalshandle said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> If I were to drive my Cadillac at the speed of light, would my headlights be visible to the 100,000 year old man on Pluto that Shirley McClain channels?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe, two questions:
> 
> If I were to drive my Yugo just beyond the speed of light, (a) could I see myself in my rear view mirror?  And (2), how much of a tip should I give my mechanic?
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Dear Joe
> 
> How many points will Pogo end up with on his driving licences for exceeding the speed of light limit?
Click to expand...


None, Ass-U-Me-ing he's smart enough to start in Montana on a clear-weather day.


----------



## Esmeralda

Dear Joe, 

A serious elemental question: Chicken or fish?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pogo said:


> Derideo_Te said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe, two questions:
> 
> If I were to drive my Yugo just beyond the speed of light, (a) could I see myself in my rear view mirror?  And (2), how much of a tip should I give my mechanic?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe
> 
> How many points will Pogo end up with on his driving licences for exceeding the speed of light limit?
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> 
> If I'm going beyond the speed of light, is the speed limit sign even visible?
> 
> And if I text while driving at that speed, will I get a response yesterday?
Click to expand...


Visibility of infrastructure signage is a function of the organization or government responsible for building and maintaining said infrastructure.  If The People want quality infrastructure, The People must be willing to invest in it.

No.  You'll get the response timely, but it will be yesterday's news, probably about the crash you caused by texting while driving.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pogo said:


> Dear Joe:  easy one...
> 
> Derideo_Te claims "The font of all knowledge".  If this is true, who has the knowledge of all fonts?



Microsoft, then Apple, then Microsoft and then back to Apple.

  It's a competitive environment out there in the world of fonts.​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:  easy one...
> 
> Derideo_Te claims "The font of all knowledge".  If this is true, who has the knowledge of all fonts?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I can answer that. Microsoft owns all fonts, and you and I owe then 10 cents each just for these two messages.
Click to expand...


Fret not about that obligation, Brothers... I've pulled some strings that were hanging from my Windows and gotten us all a waiver in this thread because what we're doing is "educational in nature".
​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Statistikhengst said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> If a gigabyte eats a megabyte for lunch, who eats the gigabyte for dinner?
> 
> Curious for knowledge in Köln,
> 
> -Stat



  Nobody, I hope!  

Those things taste nasty no matter how they're cooked.  ​
Or so I've heard.....


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pop23 said:


> Statistikhengst said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> If a gigabyte eats a megabyte for lunch, who eats the gigabyte for dinner?
> 
> Curious for knowledge in Köln,
> 
> -Stat
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Annnnnndddddd
> 
> How much does one tip for such a meal?
Click to expand...


Same as always, Pop - 0% to 25% depending on the serving wench's attitude and how slutty she dresses.


----------



## Statistikhengst




----------



## Vandalshandle

Dear Joe,

What can my country do for me?

Or, am I allowed to ask that question?

Stuck in Camalot


----------



## Statistikhengst

AVG-JOE said:


> Statistikhengst said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> If a gigabyte eats a megabyte for lunch, who eats the gigabyte for dinner?
> 
> Curious for knowledge in Köln,
> 
> -Stat
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Nobody, I hope!
> 
> Those things taste nasty no matter how they're cooked.  ​
> Or so I've heard.....
Click to expand...


Oh, just byte it!


----------



## Derideo_Te

Dear Joe,

Whatever happened to your alter ego, Josephine?

Rocky
Transylvania

"


----------



## percysunshine

Pop23 said:


> Statistikhengst said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> If a gigabyte eats a megabyte for lunch, who eats the gigabyte for dinner?
> 
> Curious for knowledge in Köln,
> 
> -Stat
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Annnnnndddddd
> 
> How much does one tip for such a meal?
Click to expand...


Two bits.



Sorry Joe...chuckle

.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> A serious elemental question: Chicken or fish?



I hope that the Monkeys can save both.
Earth wouldn't be the same without either!  ​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> What can my country do for me?
> 
> Or, am I allowed to ask that question?
> 
> Stuck in Camalot



 Still not allowed to ask that one.    Sucks, too.... the infrastructure could use a discussion.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Derideo_Te said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> Whatever happened to your alter ego, Josephine?
> 
> Rocky
> Transylvania



AVG-JOE, Feminine edition!  

  Not that *I* can relate...​


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Hey Joe:

If you had to decide right now, what would it be?

Curious in Seneca Falls


----------



## Statistikhengst

Dear Joe,

my Rep console is depressed. It heard that it will soon be obsolete. 

What in the world can I do to help it???


----------



## Geaux4it

Hey Joe- Is it true you should leave boils alone?

-Geaux


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Geaux4it said:


> Hey Joe- Is it true you should leave boils alone?
> 
> -Geaux



And why is it that a watched pot never comes to a boil?


----------



## Derideo_Te

IlarMeilyr said:


> Geaux4it said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey Joe- Is it true you should leave boils alone?
> 
> -Geaux
> 
> 
> 
> 
> And why is it that a watched pot never comes to a boil?
Click to expand...


Because you should smoke pot instead of boiling it.


----------



## AVG-JOE

IlarMeilyr said:


> Hey Joe:
> 
> If you had to decide right now, what would it be?
> 
> Curious in Seneca Falls



Hell, Brother... tonight I can't even decide on deciding on the here and NOW versus jumping in the old way-back machine and deciding 'now' means the moment you wrote the question.


Decisions, decisions.  ​
​
_"If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice!"_​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Statistikhengst said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> my Rep console is depressed. It heard that it will soon be obsolete.
> 
> What in the world can I do to help it???



Reputation can be either a number or an attitude....
They can't fucking touch your attitude.​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Geaux4it said:


> Hey Joe- Is it true you should leave boils alone?
> 
> -Geaux



Boils on your body?  


Stop listening to the tales of old wives and see your doctor, Bud.  
  Make that O'bamaCare work FOR you!​


----------



## AVG-JOE

IlarMeilyr said:


> Geaux4it said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey Joe- Is it true you should leave boils alone?
> 
> -Geaux
> 
> 
> 
> 
> And why is it that a watched pot never comes to a boil?
Click to expand...


They do come to a boil... it just takes longer with the cover off.

Patience, Luke.  Patience.​


----------



## Esmeralda

Derideo_Te said:


> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Geaux4it said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey Joe- Is it true you should leave boils alone?
> 
> -Geaux
> 
> 
> 
> 
> And why is it that a watched pot never comes to a boil?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Because you should smoke pot instead of boiling it.
Click to expand...


----------



## Esmeralda

Joey, Joey, Joey. How you doin'?


----------



## MeBelle

This was/is a great thread and Joe is such a good sport...naked 




37


----------



## Esmeralda

MeBelle60 said:


> This was/is a great thread and Joe is such a good sport...naked
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 37


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> Joey, Joey, Joey. How you doin'?



  I'm sleepy...

But the coffee's kicking in ​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Better living through chemistry - The life and times of a 21st Century Monkey!


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> MeBelle60 said:
> 
> 
> 
> This was/is a great thread and Joe is such a good sport...naked
Click to expand...



If you can't say "A-Men!!"  say  "Oh, My!!"  

- Average advice #51​


----------



## Derideo_Te

So let's get this thread kick started again. 

Joe, 

Has the move to the new USMB format made your life as a mod any easier?

Clueless in Cleveland


----------



## AVG-JOE

Truth be told, it has... but I paid extra for the options package that came with the voice of Taylor Swift and a really nice beer koozy.


21st Century Life as an average American Monkey, eh?  ​


----------



## HenryBHough

Why are "no parking" signs allowed in parks?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Depends on the park, I suppose...

Sounds like a local issue.  My advice is to Google 'Parks and Recreation'.  

​


----------



## Vandalshandle

Dear Joe,

My wife divorced me, simply because I persisted in introducing her as, "My first wife". Since I am married again, everything I said turned out to be true. Do you agree with me that she owes me an apology?

Self-satisfied in AZ.


----------



## LoneLaugher

I like this thread.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> My wife divorced me, simply because I persisted in introducing her as, "My first wife". Since I am married again, everything I said turned out to be true. Do you agree with me that she owes me an apology?
> 
> Self-satisfied in AZ.



Sometimes.  It depends on her next report card from anger management class and my proximity to the conversation.  Ask me again when it's more relevant.


----------



## Vandalshandle

Dear Joe,

According to my news source, Camilla is going to divorce Prince Charles, for having an affair with Barbara Streisand. My question is in three parts. First, does this confirm that Charles is a masochist? Second, are both Charles and Barbara blind? Third, does this mean that Queen Elizabeth will have to survive another 50 years, just to avoid leaving the crown to Charles?

Royally Bewildered in Tucson


----------



## Derideo_Te

Dear Joe,

How long have the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny been an item?

Dorothy, now back in Kansas


----------



## Pogo

Dear Joe,

Why did Mickey Mouse divorce Minnie Mouse?


----------



## Statistikhengst

Dear Joe,

Was Marilyn Monroe really blonde, I mean, all over?


----------



## shart_attack

Hi Joe.

I have a 12-year-old nephew who's really good with computers and math, but he lacks social skills. I think he is afraid of people.

His seventh-grade health teacher last week assigned him to meet at least five people online that he's never met before, and become friends with them.

My question is: Should I tell him to come to the USMB's *Health & Lifestyles* forum to meet his new friends?

Why? Why not?

Thanks, Joe.

the shart


----------



## Pop23

Dear Joe:

Will it take an airborne variant of Ebola to kill this thread?

I mean, if the upgrade kaint kill her off, can anything?

Many thanks from a loyal reader

Signed

Pop23


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> According to my news source, Camilla is going to divorce Prince Charles, for having an affair with Barbara Streisand. My question is in three parts. First, does this confirm that Charles is a masochist? Second, are both Charles and Barbara blind? Third, does this mean that Queen Elizabeth will have to survive another 50 years, just to avoid leaving the crown to Charles?
> 
> Royally Bewildered in Tucson




Wow.  Tabloid research project.  I'll expect the usual envelope X 2, 'k?


Charles and Camilla are fine.  Both are very much aware that even in the tabloids, boring is their most attractive feature and they are quite happy to be stuck with each other.  And Charles finally has permission to fantasize twice a month, so now he has actual skin in the game.

Barbara cares little for male companionship now that Joan Rivers is no longer around for post coital girl talk over a couple of stems of quality sherry.

1.  Charles a masochist? 
  Have you SEEN his ears!​
2.  Not sure... do you mean clothes off or clothes on?  

3.  No.  It's not well known, but Charles lost the crown to Donald Trump at an illegal poker game in New Jersey in 1975.  Harry's been angry pissed since he found out, but the older blond one seems to understand the true relationship between jewelry and power, opting instead to wear a lacy thong to gently remind him of his station in life.


I know, I know!!!  Satin or flannel would have been my guess too!! 
Especially with the Scots voting on independence.  ​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Derideo_Te said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> How long have the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny been an item?
> 
> Dorothy, now back in Kansas



  The Easter Bunny's GAY?!?

I did not know that!  ​
P.s.  Stop wearing the red shoes when you dance... the next time you get magically zapped to D.C. on a political wish and an errant tap of the toe, you can get the return airfare from your hippie friends.


----------



## Wry Catcher

IlarMeilyr said:


> It started HERE:
> 
> 
> 
> Amelia said:
> 
> 
> 
> As usual Avg-Joe got stuck sweeping up the ribbons and wine bottles after Scat and C_K's orgy.  Dot, Wake and Ropey got invites but not Joe.  No one ever thinks of asking Joe.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It got me to thinking (both unusual in its own right and potentially dangerous).  Why not have an advice forum?
> 
> Naturally, I thought of Joe.  Of course, I can't say I ASKED him.     But I volunteered him just the same.
> 
> Consider Avg-Joe your New Dear Abby.
> 
> Ask Joe!
Click to expand...


Dear Joe,
I post on a message board where one member promised to never post again if The President, President Obama, was reelected.  He has returned as a sock,  What should I do, ignore him, cuss him, kick his candy ass, or let others know what a cowardly punk he is?

Sign me as Wry Catcher (a Nom be Plume).


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pogo said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> Why did Mickey Mouse divorce Minnie Mouse?



I heard it was 'cause she would rather play footsies with The Easter Bunny, but not from a very reliable source. 

The other story bouncing around the toys in my attic is just as disturbing... She saw Mighty Mouse naked and now she can't get him out of her head. 

Either way, Micky has been inconsolably riding Splash Mountain and bitching about the no smoking policy for animated characters on the water rides.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Statistikhengst said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> Was Marilyn Monroe really blonde, I mean, all over?



She was the last time I checked, but you know chicks... fickle creatures.

- AVG-Joe DiMaggio.​


----------



## AVG-JOE

shart_attack said:


> Hi Joe.
> 
> I have a 12-year-old nephew who's really good with computers and math, but he lacks social skills. I think he is afraid of people.
> 
> His seventh-grade health teacher last week assigned him to meet at least five people online that he's never met before, and become friends with them.
> 
> My question is: Should I tell him to come to the USMB's *Health & Lifestyles* forum to meet his new friends?
> 
> Why? Why not?
> 
> Thanks, Joe.
> 
> the shart



That depends... are you the cool uncle who teaches him to play with guns and stuff, or are you the reluctant baby sitter of last resort seeking to do some serious damage to your brothers kid 'cause it'll be funny?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pop23 said:


> Dear Joe:
> 
> Will it take an airborne variant of Ebola to kill this thread?
> 
> I mean, if the upgrade kaint kill her off, can anything?
> 
> Many thanks from a loyal reader
> 
> Signed
> 
> Pop23




Nah... I have a feeling that if the head of this snake is lopped off, seven more with ten horns will grow to take its place.  

Just a feeling though... I don't know why.  ​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Wry Catcher said:


> Dear Joe,
> I post on a message board where one member promised to never post again if The President, President Obama, was reelected.  He has returned as a sock,  What should I do, ignore him, cuss him, kick his candy ass, or let others know what a cowardly punk he is?
> 
> Sign me as Wry Catcher (a Nom be Plume).



Store not the venom born of broken promises in your heart, Grasshopper...  Learn from them!

Fool me once...​


----------



## Derideo_Te

Dear Joe,

I am thinking of writing a book on current political events. I am trying to decide on the title and need your help. Which is likely to garner more sales? "The Ebolans have Landed", "Senate and Sensibility" or "The Goobers, the Bald and the Fuglies"?

Aspiring Righter


----------



## Pogo

AVG-JOE said:


> Statistikhengst said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> Was Marilyn Monroe really blonde, I mean, all over?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> She was the last time I checked, but you know chicks... fickle creatures.
> 
> - AVG-Joe DiMaggio.​
Click to expand...


Dear AVG Joe DiMaggio --

Where have you gone?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Derideo_Te said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> I am thinking of writing a book on current political events. I am trying to decide on the title and need your help. Which is likely to garner more sales? "The Ebolans have Landed", "Senate and Sensibility" or "The Goobers, the Bald and the Fuglies"?
> 
> Aspiring Righter



"The Goobers, the Bald and the Fuglies".

It's the only one that doesn't immediately sound like a Sci-Fi / Romance bastardization fantasy novel.

  Non-Fiction, yes?​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pogo said:


> Dear AVG Joe DiMaggio --
> 
> Where have you gone?



Marilyn's Mansion, Bro'!   
  Where else? 
​


----------



## Vandalshandle

Dear Joe,

Why do women go to the restroom in pairs? I thought that it was some sort of social protocol and etiquette thing, but when I asked Bruce if he wanted to go to the restroom with me, he decked me.

Lonely in the john.


----------



## AVG-JOE

From an Evolutionary point of view, men look out first for #1, then their own, and finally the tribe.  Women look out for their own first, themselves second, and then the tribe.

When a dude walks off to take care of any business he thinks he can handle on his own, he's genetically engineered to do so alone so that he doesn't have to share anything with anyone, especially if he comes across a couple of females taking care of their own business.  The gals learned early on to take a friend to keep a watch out for skeevy males.  12,000 years later We, the non-skeevy males, are just along for the genetic ride at this point in time.

Either that or Bruce saw a spider on your face.  Men named Bruce have issues with spiders.  I don't know why.


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Wry Catcher said:


> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> It started HERE:
> 
> 
> 
> Amelia said:
> 
> 
> 
> As usual Avg-Joe got stuck sweeping up the ribbons and wine bottles after Scat and C_K's orgy.  Dot, Wake and Ropey got invites but not Joe.  No one ever thinks of asking Joe.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It got me to thinking (both unusual in its own right and potentially dangerous).  Why not have an advice forum?
> 
> Naturally, I thought of Joe.  Of course, I can't say I ASKED him.     But I volunteered him just the same.
> 
> Consider Avg-Joe your New Dear Abby.
> 
> Ask Joe!
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> I post on a message board where one member promised to never post again if The President, President Obama, was reelected.  He has returned as a sock,  What should I do, ignore him, cuss him, kick his candy ass, or let others know what a cowardly punk he is?
> 
> Sign me as Wry Catcher (a Nom be Plume).
Click to expand...

Oh wow. There's a non surprise.  A pussy ass lying liar engaged in lying. Smells like wry crapper. So Joe, here's a question.  Why would you reply to his lie as if it weren't a lie?


----------



## AVG-JOE

That's a good question.  A damn good question.

The answer to which is that, contrary to rumor, I don't actually walk on water and I fucked up.  I said earlier that I didn't want to answer questions about other members, pasts or present drama and sho' 'nuff I fucked up and answered one.


I offer you a heart-felt "Sorry, Bro."  It's the best I can do for you.




`​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Actually, it's not.   The best I can do for you, that is...

I can answer your question.

Technically the post is and it isn't lies.

It isn't a lie that you made a bet involving permanent retirement if Obama was reelected / It is a lie that you're back as a sock.

You were authorized for resurrection.

It's rare, but you weren't the first and you weren't the last.


Monty Python would say that you 'got better'.

​


----------



## AVG-JOE

*AVG-MOD would admonish everyone to remember that the only subject that's off limits in this thread is the actual histories of other members.*


----------



## AVG-JOE

​


----------



## AVG-JOE

One more clarification....

The circumstances surrounding that bet warranted that judgement call in my humble opinion.  The details at this point are moot, I stand by my original position on the decision.


----------



## Vandalshandle

Dear Joe,

My older brother, at age 17, back in 1960, shot himself in the leg with a 22, while practicing his "fast draw". Now, keep in mind that in 1960, there were about 25 Westerns on TV every week. My brother has always been somewhat impressionable.

Now, he is in his mid 70's, and has more guns than Davy Crockett, and shoots everything that moves, including a beaver on the lake where he lives in Texas. He worships the NRA. His wife used to carry a revolver in her purse without a trigger guard, before they took it away from her at the airport (That's another story). He carries one for protection, but has become deeply depressed, because the only thing that has attacked him is a Chihuahua that belongs to his neighbor, and he did not feel comfortable shooting it.

My question is, should he move to New Orleans where his dream will come true, or should he stay where he is, and run for county commissioner as a tea partier?

Straight shooter in AZ


----------



## IlarMeilyr

AVG-JOE said:


> Actually, it's not.   The best I can do for you, that is...
> 
> I can answer your question.
> 
> Technically the post is and it isn't lies.
> 
> It isn't a lie that you made a bet involving permanent retirement if Obama was reelected / It is a lie that you're back as a sock.
> 
> You were authorized for resurrection.
> 
> It's rare, but you weren't the first and you weren't the last.
> 
> 
> Monty Python would say that you 'got better'.
> 
> ​


No. What is a  lie is that I made any promise. I made a bet. That was true but not what the twat said. And the other party to the bet got "permabanned" before the culmination of the bet.  I was indeed never a sock however.


----------



## AVG-JOE

That would be among those details that I mentioned were moot at this juncture on the Timeline.


How about those (insert your preferred Sports Team here)?  
​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> My older brother, at age 17, back in 1960, shot himself in the leg with a 22, while practicing his "fast draw". Now, keep in mind that in 1960, there were about 25 Westerns on TV every week. My brother has always been somewhat impressionable.
> 
> Now, he is in his mid 70's, and has more guns than Davy Crockett, and shoots everything that moves, including a beaver on the lake where he lives in Texas. He worships the NRA. His wife used to carry a revolver in her purse without a trigger guard, before they took it away from her at the airport (That's another story). He carries one for protection, but has become deeply depressed, because the only thing that has attacked him is a Chihuahua that belongs to his neighbor, and he did not feel comfortable shooting it.
> 
> My question is, should he move to New Orleans where his dream will come true, or should he stay where he is, and run for county commissioner as a tea partier?
> 
> Straight shooter in AZ



He should chew on the options for another 36 to 48 hours before deciding.

And he should keep all firearms out of his pants pockets...

The last thing we need is another gun-guy going off half-cocked.  ​


----------



## IlarMeilyr

AVG-JOE said:


> One more clarification....
> 
> The circumstances surrounding that bet warranted that judgement call in my humble opinion.  The details at this point are moot, I stand by my original position on the decision.



What "judgment call?"

I did make a bet.  The other guy was compelled to leave.  This voided/nullified and terminated the bet.  True fact.

But the bet was a bet between me and a guy who had gotten permabanned (I failed to realize that "permabanned" has no fixed meaning here, I concede).  That is not a promise by me to anybody, much less a promise between me and Wry farter.  I owed the permabanned dufus nothing.  I certainly owed fly catcher nothing.  (That said, let it be noted that IF the other guy had not gotten permabanned, then the bet would have survived and I would be gone-ski.)

Now as to my departure.  I left.  I returned.  I also later asked for a name change.  Permission was granted -- upon condition that the old account be closed.  It is.  Closed.  Locked.  Sealed.  I do still make limited use of my old Belushi avi, though.  

Life is good.

If you don't believe it, just Ask Joe.


----------



## Darlene

Dear Joe,

Are you more dominant or submissive?


----------



## Pop23

Dear Joe:

I got laid

I know it's not a question, but as little as it often I thought I'd brag a bit

Yours truly

Pooped Pop in Pittsburgh


----------



## AVG-JOE

Dear Pop,

As statements go, 'I got laid' is one of my favorites, and 'I pooped' is on my top ten list.

  Kudos!​

And it ain't bragging if it's true  


Average American Joe, USA


----------



## Roadrunner

percysunshine said:


> Dear Joe: Which brand of coffee is the best?


I can answer that, Community Dark Roast, a Louisiana product!!!!


----------



## MeBelle

AVG-JOE said:


> ​




S'okay Joe...monkeys can be human at times


----------



## percysunshine

Roadrunner said:


> percysunshine said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe: Which brand of coffee is the best?
> 
> 
> 
> I can answer that, Community Dark Roast, a Louisiana product!!!!
Click to expand...

.

Crushed Chicory acorns will put hair on your chest. 

.


----------



## Delta4Embassy

Much as I love the 1st Amendment, online sites are not bound to it. Do we really need certain posters as members here? Thinking of the guy with funny stache...


----------



## Darlene

Darlene said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> Are you more dominant or submissive?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Dominant, I suppose, but I'm all about sharing the work-load


----------



## Darlene

AVG-JOE said:


> Dominant, I suppose, but I'm all about sharing the work-load


Good to know. Thanks


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Oh Joe!

What would you say to butthurt liberal Democrats to soothe their angst over their election day ass whoopin'?


----------



## AVG-JOE

IlarMeilyr said:


> Oh Joe!
> 
> What would you say to butthurt liberal Democrats to soothe their angst over their election day ass whoopin'?



That I still have faith in Momma's Little Bastards.

The Stars await, Kids. 

`​


----------



## AVG-JOE

First generation to learn how to share the planet gets to watch their grand kids head for the stars.

True Story!  ​


----------



## Sarah G

IlarMeilyr said:


> Oh Joe!
> 
> What would you say to butthurt liberal Democrats to soothe their angst over their election day ass whoopin'?


At least we didn't leave en masse like your side did in 2012.     We can take it.


----------



## AVG-JOE

I'm not surprised that the republicans did well.  They seem to have listened to my advice and begun to change their message.

Google Search:  New Republican Positions on Birth Control and Stuff


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Sarah G said:


> IlarMeilyr said:
> 
> 
> 
> Oh Joe!
> 
> What would you say to butthurt liberal Democrats to soothe their angst over their election day ass whoopin'?
> 
> 
> 
> At least we didn't leave en masse like your side did in 2012.     We can take it.
Click to expand...


Nice fantasy.  Bu, of course, back in the realm of reality Nobody left en masse in 2012.

But I still wonder what Joe might recommend for the present day real world undeniably massive liberal Democrat butthurt.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Time, Brother.  Time.

The republicans will probably win The Presidency in 2016 as We, The Peeps, continue our sweeping removal of the bums in charge.

They'll have the house and if they keep the senate, they'll quickly borrow the money required to dismantle the shenanigans wrought upon the nation during the Obama years and replace them with their own bought and paid for shenanigans like Regan putting The Whitehouse back on oil and electricity after the misguided investment in solar made by the Carter Administration.   

The wars will continue, the rich will keep getting richer, and the middle class will continue to stagnate as 2020 approaches and the voters look once again for their broom.

Hopefully the census of 2020 will result in a new map of the districts with a whole lot less Gerrymandering, and the extremism which that practice has foisted on this nation since efforts in perfecting that craft began in earnest in the late 1960's.  With waning extremism in both the congress and the state houses, moderates in both parties might finally begin the work of dismantling the Military Industrial and Medical Industrial Complexes that became the US spending problem over the last 60 years, and true tax reform with a goal of 'Fair & Simple' can ensue.

Fair and Simple Taxes in 2022!!  ​


----------



## MeBelle

Dear Joe,

Two part question:

1) I brought you a gift back fom Hawaii.  Is it appropriate to still give it  to you even if the hula skirt fell off?

2) The zinc oxcide didn't work on my nose, when I wasn't wearing it. I got burned very bad, Any suggestions?

Have a great Thanksgiving!


----------



## AVG-JOE

1.  Hell yeah!  Some of my most favorite gifts EVER were sans the skirt.

2.  Raw Aloe Vera plant goo and a hat


----------



## AVG-JOE

You have a rockin' TG today too, Miss MeBelle!


----------



## MeBelle

Dear Joe, when I make a prediction in writing does it come true?

Refer to Area 51, which isn't really there, for answers


----------



## AVG-JOE

SomeTimes... if you, like me, are an 'average' prognosticator.

Relax.  I'm certain that there are SEVERAL reasons for 51 not to exist.


----------



## MeBelle

AVG-JOE said:


> SomeTimes... if you, like me, are an 'average' prognosticator.
> 
> Relax.  I'm certain that there are SEVERAL reasons for 51 not to exist.




Dear Joe, wth are you talking about???


----------



## Esmeralda

Dear Joe:

Over or under?  Toilet paper orientation - Wikipedia the free encyclopedia

And is it significant that the man who did the study bears the name Edgar Alan? (Allen, you know).    Scary stuff.



> *Class and politics*
> Sinrod observed of his survey, "60 percent of those who earn $50,000 or more prefer it to be over and 73 percent of those who earn less than $20,000 prefer under".[40] On what that proves: "I don't know, but it's sure interesting."[39]
> 
> In one local election in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, new voting machines were given a trial run by asking the question, "Are you in favor of toilet paper in all public washrooms being installed with the loose end coming up and over the front of the roll?" The answer was yes: 768 to 196, or 80% _over_. It was thought to be a question "which carried no political association".[68] Yet one teenager's science project at the Southern Appalachian Science and Engineering Fair, and a favorite of the fair's coordinator, was a survey concluding that liberals roll over while conservatives roll under.[69]


 wiki  Tee hee....


----------



## MeBelle

AVG-JOE said:


> SomeTimes... if you, like me, are an 'average' prognosticator.
> 
> Relax.  I'm certain that there are SEVERAL reasons for 51 not to exist.





MeBelle60 said:


> Dear Joe, when I make a prediction in writing does it come true?
> 
> Refer to Area 51, which isn't really there, for answers



My prediction   was dated Oct 11 in that unknown place...


----------



## AVG-JOE

MeBelle60 said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> SomeTimes... if you, like me, are an 'average' prognosticator.
> 
> Relax.  I'm certain that there are SEVERAL reasons for 51 not to exist.
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe, wth are you talking about???
Click to expand...


  Sex?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Hey!!!

We're on page 51!

{ cue The Twilight Zone theme music... }
​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> Dear Joe:
> 
> Over or under?  Toilet paper orientation - Wikipedia the free encyclopedia
> 
> And is it significant that the man who did the study bears the name Edgar Alan? (Allen, you know).    Scary stuff.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *Class and politics*
> Sinrod observed of his survey, "60 percent of those who earn $50,000 or more prefer it to be over and 73 percent of those who earn less than $20,000 prefer under".[40] On what that proves: "I don't know, but it's sure interesting."[39]
> 
> In one local election in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, new voting machines were given a trial run by asking the question, "Are you in favor of toilet paper in all public washrooms being installed with the loose end coming up and over the front of the roll?" The answer was yes: 768 to 196, or 80% _over_. It was thought to be a question "which carried no political association".[68] Yet one teenager's science project at the Southern Appalachian Science and Engineering Fair, and a favorite of the fair's coordinator, was a survey concluding that liberals roll over while conservatives roll under.[69]
> 
> 
> 
> wiki  Tee hee....
Click to expand...


I prefer over, but not enough to complain to the cleaning crew at work.  Those guys get enough shit to deal with.


----------



## AVG-JOE

MeBelle60 said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> SomeTimes... if you, like me, are an 'average' prognosticator.
> 
> Relax.  I'm certain that there are SEVERAL reasons for 51 not to exist.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> MeBelle60 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe, when I make a prediction in writing does it come true?
> 
> Refer to Area 51, which isn't really there, for answers
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> My prediction   was dated Oct 11 in that unknown place...
Click to expand...


I see..... 


SomeTimes!


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Dear Joe:

When this amazing thread was first composed and posted was anyone here at USMB able to foresee how popular it would become?

Baffled, but not in Buffalo


----------



## AVG-JOE

If anyone here at USMB foresaw 510 posts in the future of this thread, they did not share their prognostications with me.  

I'm fairly confident... I know pretty much everyone here in possession of crystal balls.


----------



## Pogo

AVG-JOE said:


> If anyone here at USMB foresaw 510 posts in the future of this thread, they did not share their prognostications with me.
> 
> I'm fairly confident... I know pretty much everyone here in possession of crystal balls.



Dear Joe:

TMI.

Just sayin'.


----------



## MeBelle

AVG-JOE said:


> Hey!!!
> 
> We're on page 51!
> 
> { cue The Twilight Zone theme music... }
> ​



51 has no significance....or does it?


----------



## MeBelle

So, while I'm here...

What does a man mean when they say "It's just sex"?


----------



## Valerie

hey joe, where you going with that gun in your hand?


----------



## AntiParty

AVG-JOE said:


> If anyone here at USMB foresaw 510 posts in the future of this thread, they did not share their prognostications with me.
> 
> I'm fairly confident... I know pretty much everyone here in possession of crystal balls.



Let me share how I foresaw your 510 posts, and more..........

It seems you can make it to 510 posts if you CONTROL the Forum and fixate on topics that have nothing to do with politics.  That would get everyone else banned or moved........................................................................................................................

Same as the politics we discuss today.

The tools/powerful that invest in the position control the outcome. It doesn't matter if there is anything intellignet. Their focus is bias and the road to repeat that bias was just $Green.


----------



## AntiParty

I'll feed the Mod though...........

Is black a color or a tone? Who "Discovered" America First, Indians or Americans? If you can use force or knowledge to resolve a problem, which would you choose? What President started the "Obama Phone" program? Should we force American children to pledge their allegiance to our founding god, or would that automatically disrupt "Freedom of Religion"? If the tax payers and Religion organizations paid for the pill, would we need abortion? Should we build a pipeline that goes entirely through America taking away land or just build a refinery in Alaska that is next door? What President was in power when we started funding a video game nationally? Are titles the only thing important, or actually reading the substance.......?


----------



## AVG-JOE

MeBelle60 said:


> 51 has no significance....or does it?



What has been seen cannot be unseen...
What is learned cannot be unlearned...​For those of us who know, the peace and the stress blend together to create a memorable ride on the Timeline.


----------



## AVG-JOE

MeBelle60 said:


> So, while I'm here...
> 
> What does a man mean when they say "It's just sex"?



What it means is what was said.  Men are just like that.

What he wants you to believe is that he was thinking of you the whole time - that's why he hit on your sister in the first place.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Valerie said:


> hey joe, where you going with that gun in your hand?



Miami.

I heard that there was a buy-back program and, since I've discovered the power of the written Word, I've found that I just don't need it.

Apparently The *Pen is* Mighty.


----------



## AVG-JOE

AntiParty said:


> I'll feed the Mod though...........
> 
> Is black a color or a tone? Who "Discovered" America First, Indians or Americans? If you can use force or knowledge to resolve a problem, which would you choose? What President started the "Obama Phone" program? Should we force American children to pledge their allegiance to our founding god, or would that automatically disrupt "Freedom of Religion"? If the tax payers and Religion organizations paid for the pill, would we need abortion? Should we build a pipeline that goes entirely through America taking away land or just build a refinery in Alaska that is next door? What President was in power when we started funding a video game nationally? Are titles the only thing important, or actually reading the substance.......?



  That's a LOT of questions, Bro!

'K...​
Black is the absence of color.

Credit for discovery of the land masses that later became known as North and South America by human kind belongs to the Asians who entered through Alaska +/- 10,000 years ago.

Me?  I force a lot through using only the tool of knowledge.

I don't know.

As long as everyone pusses out on the naming of god, saying things like "one nation, under god" and "god bless America" remain generic enough to be palatable in our religiously pluralistic society.  As soon as someone in the mix defines god a The God of Abraham as described in The Torah, The New Testament and The Koran, or other such specific Deity, the pledge becomes an effort at government endorsed proselytizing, and that would be wrong.

Unless we include vigorous and fact filled sexual education in the package, mistakes will continue.  The trick to abortion is that it should be a safe and legal option, not an aggressive, for profit industry. 

We already have LOTS of pipelines for oil and other goods.  I'm not sure I understand the need to send oil from Canada to Texas for processing when Washington State has several nice refineries right next door.  This question raises more questions than answers.  Kudos.

I don't know.  Until this moment I never gave it a thought.

While it's true that you can't judge a book by its cover, a carefully crafted title can be highly informative.


----------



## MeBelle

AVG-JOE said:


> MeBelle60 said:
> 
> 
> 
> So, while I'm here...
> 
> What does a man mean when they say "It's just sex"?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> What it means is what was said.  Men are just like that.
> 
> What he wants you to believe is that he was thinking of you the whole time - that's why he hit on your sister in the first place.
Click to expand...


Pffft!  This wasn't  a personal question...lol

What does it mean when a woman says "I've got a headache,"?


----------



## Sarah G

Hey Joe,  What should we e gift you with this year?


----------



## AntiParty

MeBelle60 said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> MeBelle60 said:
> 
> 
> 
> So, while I'm here...
> 
> What does a man mean when they say "It's just sex"?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> What it means is what was said.  Men are just like that.
> 
> What he wants you to believe is that he was thinking of you the whole time - that's why he hit on your sister in the first place.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Pffft!  This wasn't  a personal question...lol
> 
> What does it mean when a woman says "I've got a headache,"?
Click to expand...


Perhaps make a different thread about that topic of your wife/girlfriend stating she turned you down.......Perhaps! Talk about politics?


----------



## MeBelle

AntiParty said:


> MeBelle60 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> MeBelle60 said:
> 
> 
> 
> So, while I'm here...
> 
> What does a man mean when they say "It's just sex"?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> What it means is what was said.  Men are just like that.
> 
> What he wants you to believe is that he was thinking of you the whole time - that's why he hit on your sister in the first place.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Pffft!  This wasn't  a personal question...lol
> 
> What does it mean when a woman says "I've got a headache,"?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Perhaps make a different thread about that topic of your wife/girlfriend stating she turned you down.......Perhaps! Talk about politics?
Click to expand...



Great idea! If this was in the political forum.
We are posting in: 
*General Discussion*
Talk about anything...none of it matters here


----------



## AntiParty

MeBelle60 said:


> AntiParty said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> MeBelle60 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> MeBelle60 said:
> 
> 
> 
> So, while I'm here...
> 
> What does a man mean when they say "It's just sex"?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> What it means is what was said.  Men are just like that.
> 
> What he wants you to believe is that he was thinking of you the whole time - that's why he hit on your sister in the first place.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Pffft!  This wasn't  a personal question...lol
> 
> What does it mean when a woman says "I've got a headache,"?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Perhaps make a different thread about that topic of your wife/girlfriend stating she turned you down.......Perhaps! Talk about politics?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Great idea! If this was in the political forum.
> We are posting in:
> *General Discussion*
> Talk about anything...none of it matters here
Click to expand...


You won that debate.

Props.

I'm use to being on politically based forums.


----------



## AVG-JOE

MeBelle60 said:


> Pffft!  This wasn't  a personal question...lol
> 
> What does it mean when a woman says "I've got a headache,"?


Well... if we're talking in general terms and not specific, the answer to that question would depend on the woman saying it.

Not every member of the fairer sex uses that line as an excuse to avoid participating in collaborative projects.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Sarah G said:


> Hey Joe,  What should we e gift you with this year?



Fair and simple taxes,
Public budgets that are balanced by law,
Transparency in the award of government contracts.​A.K.A. World Peace.

If there's not enough time to pull that together, sexy pictures of you and MeBelle are ALWAYS welcome.


----------



## AVG-JOE

AntiParty said:


> You won that debate.
> 
> Props.
> 
> I'm use to being on politically based forums.



We have that here!

LOTS of political discussion (a.k.a. ) going on in Politics US Message Board - Political Discussion Forum .


----------



## Sarah G

Okay @MeBelle, let's go with the new Jeep for Joe this year.  He wants World Peace again...


----------



## Pogo

Sarah G said:


> Hey Joe,  What should we e gift you with this year?



Dear Joe:
How do you position yourself on the issue of verbifying a noun?


----------



## AVG-JOE

As long as I eventually understand the gist of it, pretty girls can do anything that they please.


----------



## MeBelle

Sarah G said:


> Okay @MeBelle, let's go with the new Jeep for Joe this year.  He wants World Peace again...


Done!!


----------



## Sarah G

Merry Christmas, Joe.  Maybe one of these years we can get you that World Peace.


----------



## MeBelle

Hey AVG-JOE 

Whatcha' been doing???


----------



## AVG-JOE

Buying a house.  

Found a nice one, too!


----------



## MeBelle

AVG-JOE said:


> Buying a house.
> 
> Found a nice one, too!




Congrats!!

When's the housewarming?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pogo said:


> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey Joe,  What should we e gift you with this year?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> How do you position yourself on the issue of verbifying a noun?
Click to expand...


Sorry I missed this one back when you posted it Pogo...

I find it weird, but I usually understand the concepts being conveyed.



  Monkeys sharing concepts deep, complex and subtle.

 Word.​


----------



## AVG-JOE

MeBelle said:


> Congrats!!
> 
> When's the housewarming?




April.  AVG-WIFE has some shopping to accomplish.


----------



## Statistikhengst

AVG-JOE said:


> Buying a house.
> 
> Found a nice one, too!




Dear Joe,

will lots and lots of Monkeys fit into your house?


----------



## MeBelle

AVG-JOE said:


> MeBelle said:
> 
> 
> 
> Congrats!!
> 
> When's the housewarming?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> April.  AVG-WIFE has some shopping to accomplish.
Click to expand...


Of course she does!

I'll be waiting for the invite....clothing optional?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Statistikhengst said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> will lots and lots of Monkeys fit into your house?


 
On a more or less permanent basis?

Two.​ 
But we'll have room for friends, family and grandMonkeys to visit, and being half-way between Orlando and Miami, and 10 minutes from the beach, we're anticipating a certain amount of traffic.


----------



## AVG-JOE

MeBelle said:


> Of course she does!
> 
> I'll be waiting for the invite....clothing optional?


 
But of course!     Always!


----------



## Sarah G

AVG-JOE said:


> Buying a house.
> 
> Found a nice one, too!


Congratulations.  Downsizing now or did you go big?


----------



## Sarah G

Pogo said:


> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey Joe,  What should we e gift you with this year?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> How do you position yourself on the issue of verbifying a noun?
Click to expand...

Dear Joe, Why does Pogo criticize people like a little bitch all the time?

(I missed this one too)


----------



## Pogo

Sarah G said:


> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey Joe,  What should we e gift you with this year?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> How do you position yourself on the issue of verbifying a noun?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Dear Joe, Why does Pogo criticize people like a little bitch all the time?
> 
> (I missed this one too)
Click to expand...


Dear Joe:


----------



## Statistikhengst

Pogo said:


> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey Joe,  What should we e gift you with this year?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> How do you position yourself on the issue of verbifying a noun?
Click to expand...



I adjectivify that.


----------



## Vandalshandle

Dear Joe,

I went to a lot of trouble this year picking out just the right Christmas present for my 66 year old girl friend. I bought her a Kawasaki Vulcan Classic 900 with hard Viking saddlebags, and a switchblade windshield. While I knew that she did not know how to drive a bike, I assumed that she would enthusiastically learn. To my surprise, she was not enthusiastic at all. In fact, she won't even sit on it. Naturally, I don't want a beautiful bike like this going to waste, so I ride it (just to keep the battery charged, you see). Now she is mad at me, and told me that I can cook my own dinners from now on.

What did I do wrong?


----------



## Pogo

Statistikhengst said:


> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey Joe,  What should we e gift you with this year?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> How do you position yourself on the issue of verbifying a noun?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> I adjectivify that.
Click to expand...


Kewl.  I had to interrogatify it.


----------



## koshergrl

MeBelle said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> Buying a house.
> 
> Found a nice one, too!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Congrats!!
> 
> When's the housewarming?
Click to expand...


He's busy working out the details of the fraud that will allow him to be a home owner.


----------



## Luddly Neddite

Dear Joe, 

I'm new here ... I got lost so I called Triple AAA and they towed me here. 

My question is - If you write "Triple AAA", do you actually have six A's?

What if you write "Triple A"?

uh-oh, that's two questions, isn't it?

Oh crud, That makes three questions. Or does it? 

I'm up to four questions now. Is that allowed? 

FIVE???

Or does that make SIX??

What should I do? d

CRAP - that makes SEVEN Questions. 

How many questions do you ...


----------



## Carla_Danger

Vandalshandle said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> I went to a lot of trouble this year picking out just the right Christmas present for my 66 year old girl friend. I bought her a Kawasaki Vulcan Classic 900 with hard Viking saddlebags, and a switchblade windshield. While I knew that she did not know how to drive a bike, I assumed that she would enthusiastically learn. To my surprise, she was not enthusiastic at all. In fact, she won't even sit on it. Naturally, I don't want a beautiful bike like this going to waste, so I ride it (just to keep the battery charged, you see). Now she is mad at me, and told me that I can cook my own dinners from now on.
> 
> What did I do wrong?




You're lucky she didn't take it and sell it.  LOL!


----------



## Luddly Neddite

Pogo said:


> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey Joe,  What should we e gift you with this year?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> How do you position yourself on the issue of verbifying a noun?
Click to expand...



Dear Joe, 

Is it possible to nounify a verb? 

Can you please give us examples, er, uh, I mean _positions_?


----------



## Derideo_Te

Luddly Neddite said:


> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey Joe,  What should we e gift you with this year?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> How do you position yourself on the issue of verbifying a noun?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> Is it possible to nounify a verb?
> 
> Can you please give us examples, er, uh, I mean _positions_?
Click to expand...


Allow me to status you on this topic!

When you are jonesing for some java you can verbify to your hearts content unless someone tazes you.

Compredimontify?


----------



## Vandalshandle

Derideo_Te said:


> Luddly Neddite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey Joe,  What should we e gift you with this year?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> How do you position yourself on the issue of verbifying a noun?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> Is it possible to nounify a verb?
> 
> Can you please give us examples, er, uh, I mean _positions_?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Allow me to status you on this topic!
> 
> When you are jonesing for some java you can verbify to your hearts content unless someone tazes you.
> 
> Compredimontify?
Click to expand...


If you are going to talk dirty, I'm leaving!


----------



## Statistikhengst

Pogo said:


> Statistikhengst said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey Joe,  What should we e gift you with this year?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> How do you position yourself on the issue of verbifying a noun?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> I adjectivify that.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Kewl.  I had to interrogatify it.
Click to expand...



and afterward, I may pronomify it.


----------



## Sarah G

Okay, okay, I'm E-flipping all of you off right now..


----------



## Luddly Neddite

Vandalshandle said:


> Derideo_Te said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Luddly Neddite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey Joe,  What should we e gift you with this year?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> How do you position yourself on the issue of verbifying a noun?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe,
> 
> Is it possible to nounify a verb?
> 
> Can you please give us examples, er, uh, I mean _positions_?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Allow me to status you on this topic!
> 
> When you are jonesing for some java you can verbify to your hearts content unless someone tazes you.
> 
> Compredimontify?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> If you are going to talk dirty, I'm leaving!
Click to expand...



If he's talking dirty, I'm staying. 

Don't worry though ... I'll take notes and PM you later.


----------



## Luddly Neddite

Statistikhengst said:


> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Statistikhengst said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey Joe,  What should we e gift you with this year?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> How do you position yourself on the issue of verbifying a noun?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> I adjectivify that.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Kewl.  I had to interrogatify it.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> and afterward, I may pronomify it.
Click to expand...



Dear Joe,

_pro-nom-ify_

I'm sorry to _interrogatify_ you but is it even possible to eat a pronoun?

If there's gonna be a test, will we have to diagram sentences? If so, I just want to _adjectivify_ about that now.

P.S. Do I get a prize for using those "words" in sentences?
P.S.S. Do they still teach kids to diagram sentences?



*"Each year we give our next-door neighbors some cookies".

In this sentence, neighbors is an indirect object. The indirect object is one kind of adverbial objective (a noun used as an adverb). Adverbial objectives can also express time, place, and manner, among other things (cf. year in the sentence on the left). When diagramming adverbial objectives, place nothing on the first slanted line.*


----------



## AVG-JOE

Sarah G said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> Buying a house.
> 
> Found a nice one, too!
> 
> 
> 
> Congratulations.  Downsizing now or did you go big?
Click to expand...


We're upsizing down from 26 acres and 350 square feet, to barely enough to bother mowing and 1,200 square feet.

​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Sarah G said:


> Pogo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey Joe,  What should we e gift you with this year?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe:
> How do you position yourself on the issue of verbifying a noun?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Dear Joe, Why does Pogo criticize people like a little bitch all the time?
> 
> (I missed this one too)
Click to expand...


SOMEone gotta be Neubarthin'!  Might as well be a kid who enjoys it, eh?


----------



## Coyote

AVG-JOE said:


> MeBelle said:
> 
> 
> 
> Congrats!!
> 
> When's the housewarming?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> April.  AVG-WIFE has some shopping to accomplish.
Click to expand...


Hey...that's cool Joe   What sort of place is it?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pogo said:


> Dear Joe:


​
Head & Shoulders?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> I went to a lot of trouble this year picking out just the right Christmas present for my 66 year old girl friend. I bought her a Kawasaki Vulcan Classic 900 with hard Viking saddlebags, and a switchblade windshield. While I knew that she did not know how to drive a bike, I assumed that she would enthusiastically learn. To my surprise, she was not enthusiastic at all. In fact, she won't even sit on it. Naturally, I don't want a beautiful bike like this going to waste, so I ride it (just to keep the battery charged, you see). Now she is mad at me, and told me that I can cook my own dinners from now on.
> 
> What did I do wrong?



You tried to make her drive from the start.

Next time, just coax her on with you and the promise of thrilling rides that she can just relax and enjoy to start with.



Once she's hooked on the activity, she'll _insist_ on driving once in a while   

`​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Luddly Neddite said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> I'm new here ... I got lost so I called Triple AAA and they towed me here.
> 
> My question is - If you write "Triple AAA", do you actually have six A's?
> 
> What if you write "Triple A"?
> 
> uh-oh, that's two questions, isn't it?
> 
> Oh crud, That makes three questions. Or does it?
> 
> I'm up to four questions now. Is that allowed?
> 
> FIVE???
> 
> Or does that make SIX??
> 
> What should I do? d
> 
> CRAP - that makes SEVEN Questions.
> 
> How many questions do you ...



The Number / Word - Word / Number Conundrum.

Kudos!  ​The answer to your question (the first one) is no, you would not have 6 'A's'.....

You'd have 3 'A's', an 'e', an 'l', an 'i', a 'p', an 'r' and a 'T'.  But not necessarily in that order.​

​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Luddly Neddite said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> Is it possible to nounify a verb?
> 
> Can you please give us examples, er, uh, I mean _positions_?



You mean like meeting a girl named "Misty Hymen", or a dude named "Chrome Penis"?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Luddly Neddite said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> _pro-nom-ify_
> 
> I'm sorry to _interrogatify_ you but is it even possible to eat a pronoun?
> 
> If there's gonna be a test, will we have to diagram sentences? If so, I just want to _adjectivify_ about that now.
> 
> P.S. Do I get a prize for using those "words" in sentences?
> P.S.S. Do they still teach kids to diagram sentences?
> 
> 
> 
> *"Each year we give our next-door neighbors some cookies".
> 
> In this sentence, neighbors is an indirect object. The indirect object is one kind of adverbial objective (a noun used as an adverb). Adverbial objectives can also express time, place, and manner, among other things (cf. year in the sentence on the left). When diagramming adverbial objectives, place nothing on the first slanted line.*



How about I thank your post with actual sincerity and post a song?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Coyote said:


> Hey...that's cool Joe   What sort of place is it?



It's a classic concrete block home from the 50's with a Phoenix Palm out front and a pool in the back, just minutes from down-town shopping and the beach.

We're very excited.​


----------



## Sarah G

AVG-JOE said:


> Sarah G said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> Buying a house.
> 
> Found a nice one, too!
> 
> 
> 
> Congratulations.  Downsizing now or did you go big?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> We're upsizing down from 26 acres and 350 square feet, to barely enough to bother mowing and 1,200 square feet.
> 
> ​
Click to expand...

It's a good idea at whatever point to begin reducing the workload.  Now maybe travel to see the kids.


----------



## Luddly Neddite

AVG-JOE said:


> Coyote said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey...that's cool Joe   What sort of place is it?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It's a classic concrete block home from the 50's with a Phoenix Palm out front and a pool in the back, just minutes from down-town shopping and the beach.
> 
> We're very excited.​
Click to expand...



If you don't mind saying, where is it?


----------



## Vandalshandle

Dear Joe,

I asked my daughter where she went last Saturday night. She replied, "Me and my bff had Doobie Doobie down, but were hashtag bummed, and swerved to a cray cray jam. They really turned up, even though the dwerp was there and was really salty. After that, Beth was down for a really rattling gamble, and made me SOOF not to text it, so I'm home now."

Then she went upstairs to bed. 

Can you tell me where she went?

signed

Lost in the 60's, man.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Luddly Neddite said:


> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Coyote said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey...that's cool Joe   What sort of place is it?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It's a classic concrete block home from the 50's with a Phoenix Palm out front and a pool in the back, just minutes from down-town shopping and the beach.
> 
> We're very excited.​
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> If you don't mind saying, where is it?
Click to expand...


A town called Vero Beach, FL, on the east coast of God's waiting room.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> I asked my daughter where she went last Saturday night. She replied, "Me and my bff had Doobie Doobie down, but were hashtag bummed, and swerved to a cray cray jam. They really turned up, even though the dwerp was there and was really salty. After that, Beth was down for a really rattling gamble, and made me SOOF not to text it, so I'm home now."
> 
> Then she went upstairs to bed.
> 
> Can you tell me where she went?
> 
> signed
> 
> Lost in the 60's, man.



​
Go ask Alice.​


----------



## Derideo_Te

AVG-JOE said:


> Luddly Neddite said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> AVG-JOE said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Coyote said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey...that's cool Joe   What sort of place is it?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It's a classic concrete block home from the 50's with a Phoenix Palm out front and a pool in the back, just minutes from down-town shopping and the beach.
> 
> We're very excited.​
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> If you don't mind saying, where is it?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> A town called Vero Beach, FL, on the east coast of God's waiting room.
Click to expand...


I used to own a timeshare just north of there on the lagoon. It was a great place for wildlife, almost like being in a Discovery documentary. It took two direct hits from hurricanes two years running so I took a buyout offer.


----------



## AVG-JOE

That was the last two storms to hit the area.  2004 & 2005.

​


----------



## Derideo_Te

Dear Guiseppe,

Asa immigrante froma Italia I am wanting the advicement. Ow do you say to da ladeez that you wanna ficci-fic? Whenna I try they seyz that I ama jerks and must go ficci-fic myselfs. Ow do youz speaka to da ladeez ina America?

Guido Bluballzo


----------



## Derideo_Te

AVG-JOE said:


> That was the last two storms to hit the area.  2004 & 2005.
> 
> ​



Yup! 

The name of the town was Sebastian and it was ground zero for both of them.


----------



## Luddly Neddite

Vandalshandle said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> I asked my daughter where she went last Saturday night. She replied, "Me and my bff had Doobie Doobie down, but were hashtag bummed, and swerved to a cray cray jam. They really turned up, even though the dwerp was there and was really salty. After that, Beth was down for a really rattling gamble, and made me SOOF not to text it, so I'm home now."
> 
> Then she went upstairs to bed.
> 
> Can you tell me where she went?
> 
> signed
> 
> Lost in the 60's, man.




FARM OUT!!


----------



## Vandalshandle

Joe,
In 1956, my family and I went on vacation from Atlanta, and stayed in Vero Beach, as well as other places, including Daytona. We stayed at a place called Eleanor Village. I was back in the Daytona neighborhood last year, and was amazed to see a billboard advertising the place, so it must still be there!


----------



## AVG-JOE

Derideo_Te said:


> Dear Guiseppe,
> 
> Asa immigrante froma Italia I am wanting the advicement. Ow do you say to da ladeez that you wanna ficci-fic? Whenna I try they seyz that I ama jerks and must go ficci-fic myselfs. Ow do youz speaka to da ladeez ina America?
> 
> Guido Bluballzo



I speak in American.  Not English.  I've been to England... they talk funny.


----------



## MeBelle

Dear Joe~
(Commentary)  First, it's disturbing to find another awesome thread  abandoned. /commentary 
~~~~~

I've been presented with a challenge.  
 I could go forth and  accept the challenge or make the choice to lose the challenge.

What would you do?


Sarah G


----------



## Roadrunner

percysunshine said:


> Dear Joe: Which brand of coffee is the best?


I'll field that one, it is Cap Suarages' Community Dark Roast, out of Baton Rouge, LA.

It's the real *BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS.

*


----------



## Roadrunner

strollingbones said:


> son will be 31 ish or 32 ish..damn i guess a good mother would know let me think....omg 32 ish....this year..he is dating a young lady who just passed the va bar....oddly we all live in nc.....so dude...when do i get grandkids?  i mean damn i am even using the ....i am old and dying line and it gets me nowhere?  so when?  and i want a decent date?


My oldest married a woman that passed the bar in Germany.

He wishes the bitch had kept walking.


----------



## Roadrunner

strollingbones said:


> son will be 31 ish or 32 ish..damn i guess a good mother would know let me think....omg 32 ish....this year..he is dating a young lady who just passed the va bar....oddly we all live in nc.....so dude...when do i get grandkids?  i mean damn i am even using the ....i am old and dying line and it gets me nowhere?  so when?  and i want a decent date?


I sympathize.

I have two He-Man Woman Hater sons.

One divorced the bitch that passed the bar in Germany, the other is Hell bent on being a pro bass fisherman, and says the only women he meets on the water and at the  weigh ins are dykes.

What to do, what to do?


----------



## LoneLaugher

Roadrunner said:


> strollingbones said:
> 
> 
> 
> son will be 31 ish or 32 ish..damn i guess a good mother would know let me think....omg 32 ish....this year..he is dating a young lady who just passed the va bar....oddly we all live in nc.....so dude...when do i get grandkids?  i mean damn i am even using the ....i am old and dying line and it gets me nowhere?  so when?  and i want a decent date?
> 
> 
> 
> I sympathize.
> 
> I have two He-Man Woman Hater sons.
> 
> One divorced the bitch that passed the bar in Germany, the other is Hell bent on being a pro bass fisherman, and says the only women he meets on the water and at the  weigh ins are dykes.
> 
> What to do, what to do?
Click to expand...


Man....you are one weird fucking dude.


----------



## IlarMeilyr

1.  Joe.  Do you walk the English walk or talk the English talk?

2.  Has there been subversive effort to displace this thread with some pale imitation?  If so, do you have any helpful advice for dealing with this situation (bombing nuclear facilities in Iran not being on the table for the time being).


----------



## Pogo

Roadrunner said:


> percysunshine said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe: Which brand of coffee is the best?
> 
> 
> 
> I'll field that one, it is Cap Suarages' Community Dark Roast, out of Baton Rouge, LA.
> 
> It's the real *BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS.*
Click to expand...


Peet's.

Community is decent if your budget is limited.  Peet's if it isn't.


----------



## AVG-JOE

MeBelle said:


> Dear Joe~
> (Commentary)  First, it's disturbing to find another awesome thread  abandoned. /commentary
> ~~~~~
> 
> I've been presented with a challenge.
> I could go forth and  accept the challenge or make the choice to lose the challenge.
> 
> What would you do?
> 
> 
> Sarah G





​

  Drink beer?


  "Sometimes, the only winning move is not to play."


----------



## AVG-JOE

Roadrunner said:


> I sympathize.
> I have two He-Man Woman Hater sons.
> One divorced the bitch that passed the bar in Germany, the other is Hell bent on being a pro bass fisherman, and says the only women he meets on the water and at the  weigh ins are dykes.
> 
> What to do, what to do?



Party like it's 1999, of course!

​


----------



## MeBelle

Thread bump is awesome...js


----------



## AVG-JOE

IlarMeilyr said:


> 1.  Joe.  Do you walk the English walk or talk the English talk?
> 
> 2.  Has there been subversive effort to displace this thread with some pale imitation?  If so, do you have any helpful advice for dealing with this situation (bombing nuclear facilities in Iran not being on the table for the time being).



1.  I understand much of the English language, but my native tongue is 'American'. 

2.  My sources say no..... for now.  That said, any Military Industrial Complex worth it's salt will keep any and all subversive efforts fresh in the minds of it's citizens, even the imaginary ones, and the Complex being built by USMB is definitely worth it's salt.  

She-Who-Must-Never-Be-Named appreciates your contributions here.   ​Sometimes, the only way to be sure is to dust-off and nuke 'em from space.


`​


----------



## Judicial review

AVG-JOE said:


> MeBelle said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe~
> (Commentary)  First, it's disturbing to find another awesome thread  abandoned. /commentary
> ~~~~~
> 
> I've been presented with a challenge.
> I could go forth and  accept the challenge or make the choice to lose the challenge.
> 
> What would you do?
> 
> 
> Sarah G
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ​
> 
> Drink beer?
> 
> 
> "Sometimes, the only winning move is not to play."
Click to expand...


I love beer.


----------



## MeBelle

AVG-JOE said:


> MeBelle said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe~
> (Commentary)  First, it's disturbing to find another awesome thread  abandoned. /commentary
> ~~~~~
> 
> I've been presented with a challenge.
> I could go forth and  accept the challenge or make the choice to lose the challenge.
> 
> What would you do?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ​
> 
> Drink beer?
> 
> 
> "Sometimes, the only winning move is not to play."
Click to expand...




Wargames


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Voldemort!

Beer.

Shrillary.

No politics!

Joe, which of the above does not belong and why?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Let's see....

Beer and Shrillary are both all to real while the other two are imaginary...

The Harry Potter stories have 'Butter Beer' and Shrillary is all about politics, even No politics!....


I'm going to go with Shrillary, because that's one politician who _shouldn't_ belong.  At least in a current political race.  

The best thing she could do for her country and her party right now would be to formally withdraw from 2016, install herself as the wise old matriarchal bitch of the D party, and pass the torch of leadership on to the next generation.


----------



## Esmeralda

Hello Joe-

I want to know if the be all and end all really is.  

Thank you, Esme


----------



## AVG-JOE

​Gimme some Time on this one... it seems important.


----------



## Statistikhengst

Dear Joe,

if a woman starts moaning "Oh, God, oh GOD" even before you've started to pollinate the flower, is that good or bad?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Why the hell are you gardening with a moaning woman nearby?

Go see what she wants.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> Hello Joe-
> 
> I want to know if the be all and end all really is.
> 
> Thank you, Esme



Both are indeed real.  At least with regards to the Timeline.

The be all happens only once in every moment while the end all has only two occurrences:  One so long ago it can never be known, and the other so long from now as to not be worried about.


----------



## Esmeralda

AVG-JOE said:


> Esmeralda said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hello Joe-
> 
> I want to know if the be all and end all really is.
> 
> Thank you, Esme
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Both are indeed real.  At least with regards to the Timeline.
> 
> The be all happens only once in every moment while the end all has only two occurrences:  One so long ago it can never be known, and the other so long from now as to not be worried about.
Click to expand...

Good answer!


----------



## Esmeralda

AVG-JOE said:


> Why the hell are you gardening with a moaning woman nearby?
> 
> Go see what she wants.


----------



## Sarah G

Hey Joe, sometimes I get really irritated by some Cons on this board.  Is it me or is it them?


----------



## AVG-JOE

I'm afraid it's you, sweet Sarah.

At least the 'getting irritated' part. 

Only two things are certain... every living ride on the Timeline ends in death, and, one, and only one, attitude does any given individual ever truly get to control.

I encourage you to not let the stupidity and ugliness dampen your soft, steady glow or dilute your appreciation for the beauty that I know that you see amidst the chaos.

When modern politics gets me down, I think about things like the Spanish Inquisition and the sociopathic conquests of the Colonial Period, and I remind myself that _this_ here and _this_ now is but one of the many baby steps to be taken in all their pain and glory by Monkeys with a real shot at true Sentience, crawling out of the pregnant, dog-eat-dog, living muck of an incredibly rich biosphere of a Living Timeline, reaching for The Stars.


----------



## Pogo

AVG-JOE said:


> I'm afraid it's you, sweet Sarah.
> 
> At least the 'getting irritated' part.
> 
> Only two things are certain... every living ride on the Timeline ends in death, and, one, and only one, attitude does any given individual ever truly get to control.
> 
> I encourage you to not let the stupidity and ugliness dampen your soft, steady glow or dilute your appreciation for the beauty that I know that you see amidst the chaos.
> 
> When modern politics gets me down, I think about things like the Spanish Inquisition and the sociopathic conquests of the Colonial Period, and I remind myself that _this_ here and _this_ now is but one of the many baby steps to be taken in all their pain and glory by Monkeys with a real shot at true Sentience, crawling out of the pregnant, dog-eat-dog, living muck of an incredibly rich biosphere of a Living Timeline, reaching for The Stars.




Dear Joe:

Deep. 
....... Are you Eric Idle then?

​


----------



## Esmeralda

AVG-JOE said:


> I'm afraid it's you, sweet Sarah.
> 
> At least the 'getting irritated' part.
> 
> Only two things are certain... every living ride on the Timeline ends in death, and, one, and only one, attitude does any given individual ever truly get to control.
> 
> I encourage you to not let the stupidity and ugliness dampen your soft, steady glow or dilute your appreciation for the beauty that I know that you see amidst the chaos.
> 
> When modern politics gets me down, I think about things like the Spanish Inquisition and the sociopathic conquests of the Colonial Period, and I remind myself that _this_ here and _this_ now is but one of the many baby steps to be taken in all their pain and glory by Monkeys with a real shot at true Sentience, crawling out of the pregnant, dog-eat-dog, living muck of an incredibly rich biosphere of a Living Timeline, reaching for The Stars.


Joe, you are amazing!


----------



## Esmeralda

Dear Joe, I'm dying to have a kitty cat, but my building won't allow it and I don't want to move (it's a totally cool building, like living in a 5 star hotel). I thought about just keeping her (the cat) quiet in my apartment, but sometimes, when I'm at work, they come in to do maintenance (like for the AC) or to check on the smoke alarms.  Also, I travel a lot and there aren't any pet kennels where I live. So, do you have ANY ideas for something that would help me get through the next few years, until I retire, without a cute, cuddly pet?


----------



## Sarah G

AVG-JOE said:


> I'm afraid it's you, sweet Sarah.
> 
> At least the 'getting irritated' part.
> 
> Only two things are certain... every living ride on the Timeline ends in death, and, one, and only one, attitude does any given individual ever truly get to control.
> 
> I encourage you to not let the stupidity and ugliness dampen your soft, steady glow or dilute your appreciation for the beauty that I know that you see amidst the chaos.
> 
> When modern politics gets me down, I think about things like the Spanish Inquisition and the sociopathic conquests of the Colonial Period, and I remind myself that _this_ here and _this_ now is but one of the many baby steps to be taken in all their pain and glory by Monkeys with a real shot at true Sentience, crawling out of the pregnant, dog-eat-dog, living muck of an incredibly rich biosphere of a Living Timeline, reaching for The Stars.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Pogo said:


> Dear Joe:
> 
> Deep.
> ....... Are you Eric Idle then?



Among other things


----------



## AVG-JOE

Esmeralda said:


> Dear Joe, I'm dying to have a kitty cat, but my building won't allow it and I don't want to move (it's a totally cool building, like living in a 5 star hotel). I thought about just keeping her (the cat) quiet in my apartment, but sometimes, when I'm at work, they come in to do maintenance (like for the AC) or to check on the smoke alarms.  Also, I travel a lot and there aren't any pet kennels where I live. So, do you have ANY ideas for something that would help me get through the next few years, until I retire, without a cute, cuddly pet?




Look forward to the future.  You seem to understand that there is a good time to share your life with, and take responsibility for, a living thing that requires the attention that a pet cat would require, and a less than Ideal time to share your life, and where you're at right now.

Spend some real money on a stuffed kitty that you can snuggle with on the couch when you're home, and return to a shelf when you're off changing the world.  Set a date (even roughly) as a goal when you're going to adjust your circumstances to allow for the responsibility of a pet to love, and, in the meanTime, enjoy the life you obviously dig well enough to be willing to give up things that are important to you to have.

Drive life like you stole the ride, but you can afford the gas.


----------



## Esmeralda

AVG-JOE said:


> Esmeralda said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Joe, I'm dying to have a kitty cat, but my building won't allow it and I don't want to move (it's a totally cool building, like living in a 5 star hotel). I thought about just keeping her (the cat) quiet in my apartment, but sometimes, when I'm at work, they come in to do maintenance (like for the AC) or to check on the smoke alarms.  Also, I travel a lot and there aren't any pet kennels where I live. So, do you have ANY ideas for something that would help me get through the next few years, until I retire, without a cute, cuddly pet?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Look forward to the future.  You seem to understand that there is a good time to share your life with, and take responsibility for, a living thing that requires the attention that a pet cat would require, and a less than Ideal time to share your life, and where you're at right now.
> 
> Spend some real money on a stuffed kitty that you can snuggle with on the couch when you're home, and return to a shelf when you're off changing the world.  Set a date (even roughly) as a goal when you're going to adjust your circumstances to allow for the responsibility of a pet to love, and, in the meanTime, enjoy the life you obviously dig well enough to be willing to give up things that are important to you to have.
> 
> Drive life like you stole the ride, but you can afford the gas.
Click to expand...

Another good answer.


----------



## Sarah G

Hey Joe.  We're having our first severe weather alerts for the season.  Is is wrong that I fantasize about a house falling on some of the Cons around here?


----------



## AVG-JOE

For some it would be.  VERY wrong.  

For you, Sweet Sarah?  'Probably not' would be my guess based on my limited knowledge of you.  But only you can truly know yourself that deeply.


----------



## Sarah G

AVG-JOE said:


> For some it would be.  VERY wrong.
> 
> For you, Sweet Sarah?  'Probably not' would be my guess based on my limited knowledge of you.  But only you can truly know yourself that deeply.


Jez kidding..  Have a nice night.


----------



## AVG-JOE

I am SO looking forward to Friday!

​


----------



## IlarMeilyr

Hey Joe:

I have noticed that some folks here (i.e., the libs) are easily irritated by actual logic and rational thinking.

Is there any hope for such libs or must they wander this Earth for the rest of their days being hopelessly confused by the superior intellect and reasoning of conservatives and conservative political philosophy?


----------



## AVG-JOE

I'm thinking that I don't want to see this thread turn in to a political flame thing, even though I fielded one from Miss Sarah that I should have, and one that I shouldn't have.


----------



## IlarMeilyr

AVG-JOE said:


> I'm thinking that I don't want to see this thread turn in to a political flame thing, even though I fielded one from Miss Sarah that I should have, and one that I shouldn't have.


You are wise beyond my years.


----------



## Disir

Dear Joe,

I have a two pronged dilemma.

My aunt asked me if I was seeing someone.  I said, "No. Have you seen the gene pool? I don't have time." My aunt said to me that I needed to find someone because my golden years are coming faster than I know.  What does that even mean? When your finished with one set of diapers then move on to changing the next? I'm miserable and I want you to be miserable to?

My ex-mil will tell me that I need to go out on a date.  She then wants me to sit and watch shows on ID (murder porn).  Third show in and she is telling me that I can never date again.  Is there a fast forward button on this?  It's the process.  I hate that channel.


----------



## AVG-JOE

I always figure that 'The Golden Years' start when we begin to shed responsibility, and peak when we draw a pension for sleeping in in a paid-for house.

I can see how getting there as a single would have it's advantages, but I thank (insert your preferred Deity here) every day for AVG-WIFE.  I'm a lucky Monkey and she's perfect for me.

It's not about the when or the what, with partnerships, it's all about The Who.


You're free to change the channel or turn the damned thing off, but life on Our Timeline has no fast forward button - Father Time cares nothing for human cash-flow, but She's a flaming bitch about Time-flow.

`​


----------



## Sarah G

AVG-JOE said:


> I always figure that 'The Golden Years' start when we begin to shed responsibility, and peak when we draw a pension for sleeping in in a paid-for house.
> 
> I can see how getting there as a single would have it's advantages, but I thank (insert your preferred Deity here) every day for AVG-WIFE.  I'm a lucky Monkey and she's perfect for me.
> 
> It's not about the when or the what, with partnerships, it's all about The Who.
> 
> 
> You're free to change the channel or turn the damned thing off, but life on Our Timeline has no fast forward button - Father Time cares nothing for human cash-flow, but She's a flaming bitch about Time-flow.
> 
> `​


Really nice thoughts to start the day with, Joe.  Have a good one.


----------



## Esmeralda

Dear Joe, exactly how easy is over easy?


----------



## AVG-JOE

Very easy... ass-u-me-ing one has quality cookware and ain't afraid of a little grease with their eggs.

Ass-u-me-ing one is talking about eggs and cooking. 

-----------------------------

According to The Urban Dictionary, the top definition for 'easy' is as follows:
easy
A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
_"I picked up an easy chick named Krystal in a bar last night."_​I have actually done extensive research in to this subject, and, in the humble opinion of this average researcher, easy women are impossible.

Impossible to find and impossible to let go of.
To The Possibilities of The Impossible.  

`​


----------



## IlarMeilyr

AVG-JOE said:


> I always figure that 'The Golden Years' start when we begin to shed responsibility, and peak when we draw a pension for sleeping in in a paid-for house.
> 
> I can see how getting there as a single would have it's advantages, but I thank (insert your preferred Deity here) every day for AVG-WIFE.  I'm a lucky Monkey and she's perfect for me.
> 
> *It's not about the when or the what, with partnerships, it's all about The Who.*
> 
> 
> You're free to change the channel or turn the damned thing off, but life on Our Timeline has no fast forward button - Father Time cares nothing for human cash-flow, but She's a flaming bitch about Time-flow.
> 
> `​



In your case, it's clearly not all about the WHO.  

I submit it is undeniably all about 
THE MONKEES!


----------



## Esmeralda

AVG-JOE said:


> Very easy... ass-u-me-ing one has quality cookware and ain't afraid of a little grease with their eggs.
> 
> Ass-u-me-ing one is talking about eggs and cooking.
> 
> -----------------------------
> 
> According to The Urban Dictionary, the top definition for 'easy' is as follows:
> easy
> A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
> _"I picked up an easy chick named Krystal in a bar last night."_​I have actually done extensive research in to this subject, and, in the humble opinion of this average researcher, easy women are impossible.
> 
> Impossible to find and impossible to let go of.
> To The Possibilities of The Impossible.
> 
> `​


I wasn't talking about cooking or the other (get your mind out of the gutter, you man you).  I was talking philosophically.


----------



## AVG-JOE

Oh... well in that case...  Over easy is indeed easy because philosophers try to know what they're talking about by focusing on what's already happened.  If it had been difficult, they would have said so.

​  Huh.  I suppose that means that "easy" is in the mind of the actor, philosopher or slave.

Easy is as easy does, so, whenever possible:  easy does it  ​


----------



## AVG-JOE

Y'all take it easy now, eh?​


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## Esmeralda

I like it! Another good answer. You are still the man.


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## Esmeralda




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## Derideo_Te

It appears as though this thread now has competition....





#AskTrump is now the latest trend on twitter so my question for Joe is why didn't you start your own #Ask-Joe on twitter first?


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## Vandalshandle

Dear Joe,

I came home from work last week, only to find that my wife had run off with my stock broker. She left me a note, telling me to "drop dead". Between the two of them, they had also emptied out my life savings in the form of my stock portfolio. They also took the kids, the car, and the furniture. The bank account has been emptied, and it looked like they had tried to burn the house down. Even my dog is gone. They left a forwarding address in the Bahamas. Her attorney had me served with divorce papers, and she seems to be asking a judge for $7,000 per month in child support. (I only make $5,000 per month).

My question is, do you think that this means that our next year's prepaid vacation plans should be put on hold?

Signed,

Having second thoughts, in AZ.


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## Carla_Danger

AVG-JOE said:


> Oh... well in that case...  Over easy is indeed easy because philosophers try to know what they're talking about by focusing on what's already happened.  If it had been difficult, they would have said so.
> 
> ​  Huh.  I suppose that means that "easy" is in the mind of the actor, philosopher or slave.
> 
> Easy is as easy does, so, whenever possible:  easy does it  ​




Great song!


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## Statistikhengst

Derideo_Te said:


> It appears as though this thread now has competition....
> 
> View attachment 50613
> 
> #AskTrump is now the latest trend on twitter so my question for Joe is why didn't you start your own #Ask-Joe on twitter first?


Lol!!

Gesendet von meinem GT-I9515 mit Tapatalk


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## Meathead

Joe, is Stats a 'pitcher' or a 'catcher'? My money's on the latter.


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## Derideo_Te

Joe,

What was your first thought?






Pondering in Podunk


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## AVG-JOE

Derideo_Te said:


> It appears as though this thread now has competition....
> 
> View attachment 50613
> 
> #AskTrump is now the latest trend on twitter so my question for Joe is why didn't you start your own #Ask-Joe on twitter first?



I'm almost too lazy to keep up with this thread on USMB... 

And you want me to go Twitter?!?  ​
Ain't nobody got Time for that!!


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## AVG-JOE

Vandalshandle said:


> Dear Joe,
> 
> I came home from work last week, only to find that my wife had run off with my stock broker. She left me a note, telling me to "drop dead". Between the two of them, they had also emptied out my life savings in the form of my stock portfolio. They also took the kids, the car, and the furniture. The bank account has been emptied, and it looked like they had tried to burn the house down. Even my dog is gone. They left a forwarding address in the Bahamas. Her attorney had me served with divorce papers, and she seems to be asking a judge for $7,000 per month in child support. (I only make $5,000 per month).
> 
> My question is, do you think that this means that our next year's prepaid vacation plans should be put on hold?
> 
> Signed,
> 
> Having second thoughts, in AZ.



Nahhhhhhh.... 

Be thankful that they left the cheap beer in the back of the 'fridge, and keep your options open...  

  You're single now, Bro'!
​
  Can you cash in the tickets for a 'Vegas Adventure?


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## AVG-JOE

Meathead said:


> Joe, is Stats a 'pitcher' or a 'catcher'? My money's on the latter.



No fucking clue.  


   Did you ask _him_?


I have a question...  Who did you get to take _*that*_ bet?  


`​


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## AVG-JOE

Derideo_Te said:


> Joe,
> 
> What was your first thought?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Pondering in Podunk



First thought like what...  Ever?


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## AVG-JOE

As I recall, my first thought today was...

"Must pee!"  ​


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## AVG-JOE

Seriously though...

If what separates the Monkeys on earth from monkeys and other animals is the ability to think in words, then my first thought was the same as every other Monkey.  My first thought was the first time that I understood the concept behind having a word for something.

In my case specifically?  

  I have no memory of that first association of a thing and its word.

Word. ​


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## Derideo_Te

AVG-JOE said:


> Seriously though...
> 
> If what separates the Monkeys on earth from monkeys and other animals is the ability to think in words, then my first thought was the same as every other Monkey.  My first thought was the first time that I understood the concept behind having a word for something.
> 
> In my case specifically?
> 
> I have no memory of that first association of a thing and its word.
> 
> Word. ​



Based on that logic your first word was probably "mama" or something of that nature. 

Reason I asked was because kids start to talk around a year or so old but they are obviously thinking before then. They interact without words but still manage to communicate what they want and need.

Yes, that was a trick question but an interesting one nonetheless.


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## Derideo_Te

AVG-JOE said:


> Word.


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