# Jokes



## Votto

Guy: " Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant. We always use protection, so how is it possible?" 
Doctor: "Let me tell you a story. There was this hunter once who always carried a gun whenever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion, and it died! 

Guy: "Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion! 
Doctor:" Good! You understood the story! 
Next patient please!"


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## Votto

So this guy walks into a bar and walks up to a bartender who is a good friend. 


Guy: "I gotta have a drink, yesterday my best friend Ted ran away with my wife" 

Bartender: "Sure, this one is on the house since you are feeling so bad, but when did Ted become your best friend?" 

Guy: "As of yesterday!"


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## Votto

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. 

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: 

"Emma come first. 
Den I come. 
Den two asses come together. 
I come once-a-more! . 
Two asses, they come together again. 
I come again and pee twice. 
Then I come one lasta time." 

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives." 

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. 

"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."


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## Votto

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes. 

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" 

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly. 

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" 

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. 

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" 

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them jerk offs."


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## Votto

What is the difference between a battery and a politician?

A battery has a positive side.


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## Votto

So this rancher has his buddy visit him as they strike up a conversation. 

Friend: "Mind if I talk to your dog?" 

Rancher: "Talk to my dog? You talk to dogs?" 

Friend: "Sure do, don't believe me?" 

Rancher: "Ok, go talk to my dog" 

Friend: "Is he treating you OK?" 

Dog: "Sure, he feeds me and takes me on walks. 

Rancher: "Unbelievable! Why does he never talk to me?" 

Friend: "Maybe you should try talking to him". "Mind if I talk to your horse?" 

Rancher: "This is pure insanity! OK, go talk to my horse" 

Friend: "Is he treating you OK? 

Horse: "Sure, he feeds me, grooms me, and treats me like a king" 

Rancher: "I must be dreaming! Incidentally, don't go near the sheep. They are all a bunch of liars!"


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## Votto

A woman tells her doctor that she's worried about her husband losing his temper. 

The Doctor: "What's the problem? 
The Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." 
Doc: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.” 

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. 

TW: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" 
Doc: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".


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## Votto

CREATING A PASSWORD 

cabbage 

- sorry the password must be more than 8 characters 

boiled cabbage 

-sorry the password must contain 1 numerical character 

1 boiled cabbage 

-sorry the password cannot have blank spaces 

50freakingboiledcabbages 

-sorry the password must contain at least one upper character 

50freakingcabbagesshovedupyourarseifyoudontgivemeacessimmediatly! 

-sorry the password cannot contain punctuation 

50freakingcabbagesshovedupyourarseifyoudontgivemeaccessimmediatlyyoumoronictwit 

-sorry that password has already been taken


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## SaxxyBlues

*Your Yearly Dementia Test*

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin....











1. What do you put in a toaster?









Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.  If you said, bread, go to Question 2.









2. Say "silk" five times.  Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?












Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.









3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?









Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.









4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?











Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.




5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. InSwindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 1 1 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on .In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?













Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!!





Now, if you wish, and can remember how to, pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!


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## Moonglow




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## Votto

A hotel guest in Japan comes down to reception to make a few requests about the room he has just checked in to. 

"The mini bar is empty. I'd like it filled." 

"Very good, sir." 

"I can't seem to adjust the air conditioning". 

"Of course. We'll send a technician up." 

"Could I arrange it so that no calls are put through to the room?" 

"Right you are." 

"And I'd like the porn disabled." 

"All our porn is just regular porn, you creep!"


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## Votto

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant. 

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out." 

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned. 

"Get my brown pants."


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## Votto

Two deer hunters are out in the forest when one of them collapses to the ground. He doesn't appear to be breathing and his eyes are glossy. His hunting partner whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency hot line. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a short moment of silence, then a gun shot is heard. Running back to the phone out of breath, the guy says "OK, now what?


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## Votto

Two policemen call the precinct on the radio. 
"Hello. Is that the Sarge?" 
"Yes?" 
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband dead 
for walking on the floor she had just mopped." 
"Have you arrested the woman?" 
"No sir. The floor is still wet."


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## Votto

*Italian Tomato Garden* 

An old Italian man lived in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato 
garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only 
son, Vincent, who used to help him was in prison. The old man wrote 
a letter to his son describing his predicament. 

Dear Vincent, 

I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant 
my tomato garden this year. I'm just too old to be digging up a garden 
plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you 
would be able to dig the plot for me. 

Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son: 
Dear Dad, 

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies. 

Love, Vinnie
At 4:00 am the next morning, FBI Agents and local polce arrived and 
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized 
to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another 
letter from his son. 
Dear Dad, 

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do 
under the circumstances. 

Love you, Vinnie


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## Votto

*NEVER ARGUE WITH CHILDREN *

So this 8 year old girl was sitting in her science class as the teacher began to discuss whales. Elated, the girl eagerly raised her hand and said, "I learned last Sunday in Sunday school class that Jonah was swallowed by a whale in the Old Testament"

There appeared a smirk on the face of the science teacher as she said, "I can assure you that this never happened, whales are not capable of swallowing a human."

Undaunted, the little girl protested saying, "But the whale swallowed Jonah and we all know that the Bible is true.

Once again, the teacher rebuffed the child and showed the class pictures of the average size of a whales throat and the average size of a human being so as to disprove her assertions.

The child then began to sulk back into her chair as the teacher began to smirk once again feeling victorious.

It was at that very moment the child retorted, "Well I'll have to ask Jonah about all this when I get to heaven."

Moving in for the final crushing blow to the fledgling faith of the small child the teacher proclaimed, "What makes you think he went to heaven, maybe he went to hell.", to which the child retorted, "Ok, then you can ask him about it".


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## Votto

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”


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## Votto

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?" 

God said yes. 

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?" 

God said yes. 

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?" 

God said, "Sure, just a second."


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## Votto

An atheist was walking through the woods. 
"What majestic trees"! 
"What powerful rivers"! 
"What beautiful animals"! 
He said to himself. 

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. 

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. 

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. 

At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" 

Time stopped. 
The bear froze. 
The forest was silent. 

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" 

The atheist looked into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the _bear_ a Christian"? 

"Very well," said the voice. 

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: 

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen."


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## Votto

man in southern california finds a brass lamp on the beach. he brushes off the seaweed and out pops a genie. the genie thanks him and says that he gets one wish. the man protests, suggesting that he should get three wishes. the genie says that he's a one-wish genie and that the wish should be just right on the first go. 

the man thinks for a moment and wishes for a highway to Hawaii. 

the genie has absolutely no problem building a highway bridge 2500 or so miles long across the pacific ocean that's 10s of thousands of feet deep salt water and buffeted by storms and requiring fueling stops and motels and restaurants and then, to make the highway would it have to be four lanes or would two lanes do? the genie points out the challenges of driving to hawaii over the ocean to the man, suggesting that another wish might make a little more sense. in fact, one might suspect that the genie did feel just a little challenged, right? 

well, the man took the genie's sincerely offered advice and changed his wish. he asked the genie to explain how women think. 

the genie frowned and asked the man to please offer a little context. 

the man said, "well, my wife comes home and tells me that she saved $200 at kohls. i say that's great and ask how she did that and she tells me that they had a 50% sale. then the next time i go to kohls with her and she holds up this dress and says does this make me look fat? then. . . 

the genie interrupts the man and asks, two lanes or four?


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## Votto

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. 

With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow. 
“Fifty dollars!” she would cry out from the curb. 

“No, Five dollars!” fired back Clinton .. 





This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. 
He’d run by and she’d yell, “Fifty dollars!” And he’d yell back, “Five dollars!” 

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog! As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the “pro” would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings. 
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator. 

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. 
Sure enough, there was the hooker! 

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute’s eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled… 
See what you get for five bucks!?”


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## Votto

I hate being bipolar, 

It's awesome!


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## Crepitus

Good stuff guys, thank you for posting.

Here's my contribution:

A pirate walks into a bar, and he's got a ships wheel sticking out the front of his pants.  Everyone stares of course but he just walks up to the bar, or rather sidles up because he's got a ships wheel sticking out if his pants, and orders a large rum. 

The bartender, trying not to stare, serves him and asks "I have to ask, do you know you have a ships wheel sticking out the front of your pants?"

The pirate replies "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"


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## Votto

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs..
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'


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## Votto

God and Adam talked about Adam's being alone in Paradise:

God: So I can make you a wonderful companion: Beautiful, intelligent, sexy, a servant to all your whims.
Adam: what would that cost me?
God: An arm and a leg.
Adam: What can I get for a rib?


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## Votto

*Conversation during Obama era*

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America. 

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 5.6%. 

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work? 

ABBOTT: No, that's 23%. 

COSTELLO: You just said 5.6%. 

ABBOTT: 5.6% Unemployed. 

COSTELLO: Right 5.6% out of work. 

ABBOTT: No, that's 23%. 

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 23% unemployed. 

ABBOTT: No, that's 5.6%. 

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE......Is it 5.6% or 23%? 

ABBOTT: 5.6% are unemployed. 23% are out of work. 

COSTELLO: If you are out of work, you are unemployed. 

ABBOTT: No, Obama said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed. 

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!! 

ABBOTT: No, you miss his point. 

COSTELLO: What point? 

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair. 

COSTELLO: To whom? 

ABBOTT: The unemployed. 

COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work. 

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed. 

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment? 

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely! 

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work? 

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how it gets to 5.6%. Otherwise it would be 23%. 

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number? 

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct. 

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job? 

ABBOTT: Correct. 

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job? 

ABBOTT: Bingo. 

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work. 

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a Democrat. 

COSTELLO: I don't even know what I just said! 

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Hillary.


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## Votto

So this guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink. As he does his pet monkey jumps up and runs over to the pool table where he promptly grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole. The bartender yells, "Your monkey just ate my cue ball!" The man finishes his drink, apologizes, and then pays for the drink and the cue ball and leaves. 

The next day the man returns with his monkey. The bartender looks at him and says, "You better watch that monkey of yours or he will put you in the poor house. The monkey then looks up at the bartender, runs over to a bowl of cherries, and promptly inserts it in his rear before eating it. The bartender looks up in disbelief and says, "That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen! Why did he do that? To which the man replied, "He now measures things before eating them"


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## Votto

One Sunday at my church the preacher stood up and said "anyone with a special need come forward and I will pray for your special need". Well Leroy comes up to the altar and the preacher says, "Leroy, what is your special need" and Leroy says "Preacher, I need help with my hearing" And the preacher says, ok Leroy, lets pray for your hearing. And he starts praying. And he prayed and prayed and got louder and louder and the congregation joined in and started praying for Leroy' hearing. After about 30 minutes of praying the preacher said "Well Leroy, did that help with your hearing?" And Leroy replied "I don't know Preacher, my hearing ain't until Friday"


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## Admiral Rockwell Tory

A young man rushes into a bar and slaps his money of the bar, and says, "Bartender, I need a whiskey right away!"  The bartender pours him a shot and the man young man slams it back immediately!

"So what's the occasion?" asks the bartender?

"I am celebrating my first blow job!" said the young man.

"Well, congratulations!  Have another one on the house!", at which he pours another drink and the young man slams it back also.

"That must have been one hell of a blowjob!", said the bartender.  "Want another one?" he asked.

The young man just shook his head no, and said, "No thanks!  If two shots won't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't think a third will either!"


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## Votto

I just got done starting a company that makes land mines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof


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## Votto

Mexican and Muslim jokes are all the same.

One you have heard Juan, you have heard Ahmal


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## Votto

I have a stepladder. I never knew my real ladder


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## Votto

I worry about ICE coming to get these innocent illegal aliens.  All I know is, after Trump was elected, many Latinos are now living under a constant state of fear of deportation. In fact, I worry deeply about my Latino mother-in-law that lives at 1353 4rth Street, LA 90023, blue house on the corner, she gets off work at 6 P.M.

Incidentally, what is the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?

Outlaws are wanted.


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## Votto

"Doctor, please help. My husband thinks he's a rooster!" 

"How long has this been going on?" 

"Ever since he was a chick!"


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## Votto

in this world there are only 10 kinds of people, those who understand binary and those who don't


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## Votto

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist are interviewing for a job. 

At the end of the mathematician's interview, the interviewer asks "And last, what is 2 + 2?" 
"4," the mathematician answers. 

At the end of the accountant's interview, the interviewer asks "And last, what is 2 + 2?" 
"4, give or take 5% for error," the accountant replies. 

At the end of the economist's interview, the interviewer asks "And last, what is 2 + 2?" 
The economist peers around the room, goes to the window and shuts the blinds, goes to the door and locks it. He dims the lights, sidles up close to the interviewer and whispers, "What do you need it to equal?"


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## Votto

*Easter Joke*

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.
The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.
The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.
The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, so, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder...
"St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."


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## SaxxyBlues

*A Japanese woman went to the bank to exchange yen to US dollars.*





The teller gave her $100. A few weeks later, she gave the teller the same amount of yen, but she was given only $90.

She said, "What wrong? I give yen, you only give 90 dorrah?!"

The teller shrugged and said "Fluctuations?"

The woman said "Fuck you white peopre too."


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## The Professor

OK, here is my humble contribution:

Do you know why Southern Baptists don't have sex standing up?

Because they're afraid people will think they are dancing.


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## Votto

So the future, present, and past all walk into a bar for a drink.

It was tense.


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## SaxxyBlues

*Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.

He sat down at the bar next to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and stared up at the TV as the 10 o'clock news came on

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building, preparing to jump.

Alexandria looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack said, "You know what, I bet he will" Alexandria replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!”

Just as she placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. She was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

Alexandria replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.
*
*Then Alexandria went back to work in the U.S. Congress…*


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## MisterBeale




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## Wyld Kard

*A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."*


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## Wyld Kard

*One day Jane found Tarzan in the jungle. He was lean and muscular and she was very attracted to him. During the course of their conversation, she asked what he did for sex.

"Sex?" he asked. "What's that?"

She explained what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree!"

Horrified, Jane said, "Oh, Tarzan you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly." She took off her dress, dropped to the ground and spread her legs wide. 
"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and gave her a powerful kick in the crotch with his foot. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees first!"
*


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## Votto

Chastity certainly  has it's down side.

For example, don't die a virgin, there are terrorists waiting for you up there!


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## williepete

A salesman is driving down a road by an Air Force base and develops car trouble. He pulls into a mechanic's shop for help. The mechanic tells him it will be a while so the man goes for a walk. He sees a pet shop and decides to go in to kill some time.

While in the shop this Air Force buck sergeant walks in and points to a monkey in a cage. The clerk hands over the cage and the sergeant gives him a check for 10,000 bucks.
"Wow", the salesman says. "That's an expensive monkey."

"Not really." says the clerk. "You see that's a specially trained monkey. It's a crew chief monkey. It can refuel a jet and service hydraulics and oil. It can even make minor repairs."

Just then an Air Force Staff Sergeant walks in and points to another monkey in a cage and another transaction takes place, this time the sergeant pays 20,000 bucks.

"Holy Toledo." says the salesman. "20 large for a monkey?!" 

"Ah, that's not just any monkey sir, that's a trained avionics monkey. It can install and tune a radar, work on radios and even maintain classified jamming equipment."

"Amazing." says the salesman.

A bit later, in walks an Air Force Technical Sergeant who plunks down 30,000 bucks while pointing to a caged monkey then out he walks with his purchase.

"Now this I can't believe." says the salesman. What type of special training has that monkey had?"

"That monkey is an armorer." says the clerk. "It can load weapons ranging from cannon to rockets to bombs. It can install and remove fuses. It can arm up aircraft before they takeoff and safe them up after they land."

The salesman lets out a low whistle. He continues to walk around the shop and stops in front of a monkey cage. The monkey looks up at him, flips him the finger, farts then starts to pick his nose. Attached to the cage is a price tag of 100,000 bucks.

"Noooooo way!" says the salesman. "What does this monkey know how to do?"

The clerk says, "I'm not sure. The papers that it came with says it's a fighter pilot but I'll I've seen him do since he's been here is drink beer and play with his pecker."


----------



## Votto

So this guy walks up to the bartender and asked if there were any cheap drinks to order cuz he was low on cash. The bartender says, "Sure, it's called the Russian collusion" and it's only a dollar. The man says, "Great, I'll have a glass!". So the bartender gives him a glass and the man says, "But this is an empty glass". Bartender replies, "Yep, sure is and that will be a dollar."


----------



## DustyInfinity

Votto said:


> So the future, present, and past all walk into a bar for a drink.
> 
> It was tense.



You should be ashamed of yourself for that one.  I laughed anyway.


----------



## Jim H - VA USA




----------



## NoBueno

Votto said:


> Guy: " Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant. We always use protection, so how is it possible?"
> Doctor: "Let me tell you a story. There was this hunter once who always carried a gun whenever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion, and it died!
> 
> Guy: "Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion!
> Doctor:" Good! You understood the story!
> Next patient please!"


So, this dyslexic walks into a bra...


----------



## Jim H - VA USA

I met a girl at the nightclub the other night.

We had a great time, and there was clearly chemistry between us.

She invited me back to her apartment...

When I walked in, she had a huge banner of the former Soviet Union on on her living room wall.

It was a big red flag.


----------



## Jim H - VA USA




----------



## Votto

*Joe Biden looks more confused than a lawyer writing up Ihan Omar's prenup.*


----------



## Who_Me?

One morning a guy looked our his window and saw a gorilla in his tree in the yard.   Not knowing what to do he began calling pest control companies.  After many tries he reached a guy who said he could remove the gorilla from his yard.

So the pest control guy comes out, and with him he brings a baseball bat, a pair of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun.  The homeowner asked him, "how are you going to get the gorilla with this stuff?"

The pest control guy says, "OK, this chihuahua is specially trained to bite the genitals of anyone that jumps in front of him.   I'm going to climb the tree with the baseball bat,  I'll hit the fingers of the gorilla.  He will fall out of the tree in front of the chihuahua.  The chihuahua will bite the genitals of the gorilla.  The gorilla will cover his genitals with his hands.  You will slap the handcuffs on the gorilla's wrists and we'll take him away!"

The homeowner said, "What's the shotgun for?"  The pest control guy replied, "If I fall out of the tree first, shoot the flippin chihuahua!"


----------



## Jim H - VA USA




----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?​None. They only *talk* about change.


I just found out my Grandpa, a lifelong Republican voted Democratic in 2020.​This would never happened if he were still alive!


The Democrats​A Democrat politician visited a remote little town in the Appalachians and asked the inhabitants what the Democrat party could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the Mayor.. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The Democrat whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have no cellphone reception at all here in these mountains."


A Democrat and a Republican were walking along the beach when they spotted a bottle.​They picked it up and a genie popped out.

"I will grant you each one wish, whatever you desire", said the genie.

The Democrat said, "I would like for my fellow liberals and I to live the life and exist under the form of government we believe in!" POOF! All the Democrats in America were whisked away to Venezuela.

The genie turns to the Republican and said, "And what is your wish?"

The Republican paused for a second and said, "You mean to tell me that all the Democrats in America are gone?"

The genie answered, "Yes!"

The Republican goes, "In that case, I'll take a beer."



Why does texas have no power?​Democrats stole the electrons.


Did you hear about Monica Lewinsky becoming a Republican?​Apparently, the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.


What does a double sided dildo have in common with democrats?​No matter what side you pick your fucked.


----------



## Jim H - VA USA

Toffeenut Baconsmuggler said:


> ​
> 
> A Democrat and a Republican were walking along the beach when they spotted a bottle.​They picked it up and a genie popped out.
> 
> "I will grant you each one wish, whatever you desire", said the genie.
> 
> The Democrat said, "I would like for my fellow liberals and I to live the life and exist under the form of government we believe in!" POOF! All the Democrats in America were whisked away to Venezuela.
> 
> The genie turns to the Republican and said, "And what is your wish?"
> 
> The Republican paused for a second and said, "You mean to tell me that all the Democrats in America are gone?"
> 
> The genie answered, "Yes!"
> 
> The Republican goes, "In that case, I'll take a beer."


 
I went offshore fishing with my buddy, Billybob, in our rowboat the other day.

Out of nowhere, a big storm came and pushed us far out to sea.  We were hopelessly lost.  

So we kept fishing and caught lots of fish.

After a couple of days, we saw a bottle floating nearby, so we rowed over to it.  When we opened it up, to our surprise, out pops a genie!

The genie thanks us for freeing him, and grants us one wish.

I said, "hey, aren't we supposed to get three wishes?"

Genie replied, "you get one.  Use it wisely."

I said, "okay, Billybob, let's think about his very carefully, we don't want to..."

Billybob blurts out, "Turn the whole ocean into beer!"

Poof!  Just like that, the genie disappeared, and the whole ocean turned to beer.

I yelled at Billybob, "look what you've done!"

"Billybob says, "what's wrong, Jim?  This is great, we're catching plenty of fish and now have unlimited beer!  What could be better?!"

I exclaimed, "you big dummy, now we have to pee in the boat!"


----------



## miketx

> *Three men one from Florida, one from Texas, and one from New York all die and go to hell*
> 
> When they get there they see a big red phone and they asked Satan what it's for, he says it's for calling earth but it's super expensive. The man from Texas says "Great I would love to call my hometown in Dallas" he talks for 2 hours and Satan charges him 2 million dollars. The man from Florida says he would love to call his hometown in Miami beach so he calls and speaks for 3 hours and satan charges him 3 million. The man from NY says he would love to call his hometown in NYC so he calls and speaks for 4 hours and satan charges him 4 dollars.
> Enraged the men from Texas and Florida ask Satan why is it so cheap for a call to New York.
> Well, says Satan ever since Cuomo became governor and New York went to hell - it's a local call


----------



## MelanieWi1l

An officer sees a man exit a bar at closing time and get into his car. After observing some erratic driving, he pulls the man over.
The officer asks the driver, “Where are you going at this time of night?”
The man replies, “I’m on my way to attend a lecture about alcohol abuse and its effects on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer asks, “Who would give that kind of lecture at this time of night?”
The man says, “My wife.”


----------



## miketx

NoBueno said:


> Votto said:
> 
> 
> 
> Guy: " Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant. We always use protection, so how is it possible?"
> Doctor: "Let me tell you a story. There was this hunter once who always carried a gun whenever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion, and it died!
> 
> Guy: "Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion!
> Doctor:" Good! You understood the story!
> Next patient please!"
> 
> 
> 
> So, this dyslexic walks into a bra...
Click to expand...


----------



## miketx

A pastor a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender said, you gotta be fucking kidding me!

This guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables. Bartender tells him not to try and start anything.


----------



## Who_Me?

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.”
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, “you protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.”
The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.


----------



## Ringo

A crisis. A hungry composer is sitting at home, no work, no money. And then a familiar director calls him and says: listen, I'm making a film here, I need music for the final credits, can you write? I won’t pay money, but maybe they will be interested in you and your career will go up.
- Yes, no question, I’ll write. What topic?
- Well, in short, there in the final a leaf will fall from a tree, we will shoot it in close-up, and music is needed for this.
Well, the composer did not sleep for a week, composed and delivered. And this director invites him to the premiere of the film. The composer enters the hall, and there is emptiness, only a very elderly couple sits there. Well, he thinks, you never know, he probably decided to show the film to his closest ones, such an honor.
The light turns off, the film begins. Against the background of beautiful nature, there is a tree, a beautiful chick rested against it, and behind her some jock ****ing her in the ass . Then another couple joins them, they change. Then new characters, blacks, dwarfs, psychos appear and a massive **** happens. Then a little spaniel comes running and has them all, and then they all have a spaniel in the ass. And then the camera takes a close-up of a leaf on a tree, it comes off, falls, incredibly beautiful lyrical music sounds and the credits go.
The light turns on, the ****ed-up composer automatically walks to the exit and, by chance, his gaze rests on an elderly couple. Those sit with their mouths open in complete shock. And the composer did not come up with anything better than squeezed out of himself:
- The music is mine.
The old man turned his head, and muttered through his parched lips:
- And dog is ours ...


----------



## Ringo

- Our priest talks to God every day.
- How do you know?
- He said so himself.
- And what if he's lying?
- How can a person, who talks to God every day, lie?!
_
Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 9th decade and never married. Everyone admired her kindness and responsiveness. One day the pastor came to her to discuss the festive mass and she invited him into the living room. Beatrice asked the pastor to sit down and wait while she made tea.
Looking at her old Hammond organ at home, he suddenly noticed on the lacquered lid of the instrument a pretty vessel with water in which a condom was brazenly floating. When Beatrice returned with a tray of steaming tea and scented biscuits, they began to talk.
The pastor tried to hide his curiosity, but he couldn't help it. Miss Beatrice, "he said, pointing to the jar, "can you tell me about this subject?"
"You noticed it, too! -  the organist exclaimed -"Isn't he beautiful?"
Last august, I was walking through the park and found this little bag in the grass. The instructions read: place it on the organ, keep it moist and this will prevent the spread of a possible disease.
"You know, I haven't had the flu all winter!


----------



## yidnar

how do you make a democrat shout for joy and then scream in horror ?
1st you fuck him in the ass .
and then you wipe your dick off on his drapes .


----------



## Jim H - VA USA

yidnar said:


> how do you make a democrat shout for joy and then scream in horror ?
> 1st you fuck him in the ass .
> and then you wipe your dick off on his drapes .


Us real Conservatives don't talk like that, and we certainly don't post it on-line.

We strive to set an example for others, including children.  We don't stoop to the level of Progressives these days.

Please take note.  Not funny.  Gross.

Regards,
Jim


----------



## yidnar

Jim H - VA USA said:


> yidnar said:
> 
> 
> 
> how do you make a democrat shout for joy and then scream in horror ?
> 1st you fuck him in the ass .
> and then you wipe your dick off on his drapes .
> 
> 
> 
> Us real Conservatives don't talk like that, and we certainly don't post it on-line.
> 
> We strive to set an example for others, including children.  We don't stoop to the level of Progressives these days.
> 
> Please take note.  Not funny.  Gross.
> 
> Regards,
> Jim
Click to expand...

yeah youre right ...that joke is a bit to much ....


----------



## Jim H - VA USA




----------



## Jim H - VA USA




----------



## Jim H - VA USA

The other night I took my wife to a fine Chinese restaurant.

After we ordered, I watched my waiter bring out our food, only to serve it to another table.

I said to my wife, “that’s weird, our waiter just served our food to another table. I bet that Chinese guy thinks all of us White people look alike”

My wife replied, “that’s not our waiter, honey.”


----------



## miketx

Jim H - VA USA said:


> The other night I took my wife to a fine Chinese restaurant.
> 
> After we ordered, I watched my waiter bring out our food, only to serve it to another table.
> 
> I said to my wife, “that’s weird, our waiter just served our food to another table. I bet that Chinese guy thinks all of us White people look alike”
> 
> My wife replied, “that’s not our waiter, honey.”


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

Q: How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
A: Just one, but it really gets screwed. 

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat? 
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do. 

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline? 
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline. 

Q: Why can't John Kerry tell a joke? 
A: Because all the botox keeps him from smiling! 

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute? 
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes. 

Q: What do Democrats and porn stars have in common? 
A: They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera. 

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead Democrat in the road? 
A: Vultures will eat the skunk. 

Q: How do you confuse a Liberal? 
A: You don't. They're born that way. 

Q: What do you call an honest man in the Oval Office? 
A: Lost. 

Q: How do democrats keep their breath fresh? 
A: With Entitle-mints. 

Q: What's the difference between a car and a politician. 
A: You get to test-drive a car. 

Q: What did the DNC say to Russia? 
A: We are going to build a Great Firewall and make the hackers pay for it. 

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish? 
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish. 

Q: What's worse than Bill Clinton calling you a womanizer? 
A: Marc Foley calling you a pervert! 

Q: What do you get when you cross a corrupt politician with a despicable lawyer? 
A: Chelsea.


----------



## miketx

Toffeenut Baconsmuggler said:


> Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?
> A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.


Used to be called a jumpoline until the democrats mom jumped on it.


----------



## bluzman61

Here's an off-color riddle.  Q : What do an aging prizefighter and Dracula's mistress have in common?  A : They both go down for the count.


----------



## bluzman61

Another riddle for y'all.  Q : Why is it so difficult to teach and old cow new tricks?  A : Because everything goes in one ear and out the UDDER.


----------



## asaratis

*Dating Advice From The Rabbi





Your browser is not able to display this video.


*​


----------



## Jim H - VA USA

*To heck with political correctness!*


A man walks up to a counter and says . . .​
A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"

"Well, sir . . . this is a hardware store."


----------



## Jim H - VA USA

*Coronavirus one-liners...  *

I always wanted to have some more time at home so I could tackle some house cleaning jobs that I had put off. Now I realize that having more time at home was not the problem.

I'll tell you another coronavirus joke... You probably won't get it.

If this toilet paper shortage continues, I may have to subscribe to the New York Times.

The other day in the grocery store, I felt a cough coming on. So I farted really loud to cover it up so people would not stare.

The other day at the bank, two guys came in wearing masks. Then they yelled "this is a stickup!" Everyone let out a sigh of relief.

If the salons stay closed much longer, COVID is going to turn 80% of blondes into brunettes.

It's a good thing that there is not an intestinal virus going around.  All the stores would be sold out of nasal spray.

Whoever said one person can't change the world never ate an under-cooked bat.

If this COVID thing was as deadly as they told us, Social Security would be solvent again.


----------



## Jim H - VA USA




----------



## Jim H - VA USA

*Intelligent Jokes / Nerd Humor*
(lots of these are really good and exceptionally witty)

1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

 2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?”

The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says “I don’t know.” The third logician says “Yes!”

 4. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.

Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”

Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found Pascal!”



5. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

6. Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

7. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bar tender: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The forth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a …” The bar tender interrupts: “Oh, the hell with the lot of ya!” …and he pours a single full beer.

 8. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please”.

9. The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

10. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl”?
The logician replies: “yes”.

11. Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

12. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.

13. Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

14. Two men walk into a bar, the first orders H2O, the second says “I’ll have H2O too!” The second man dies.

15. A neutron walks into a bar. He orders a beer and asks the bartender how much he owes. The bartender replies, “For you? No charge.”

16. There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who know binary and those who don’t.

17. A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies “No I’m traveling light”.

18. Two atoms are walking down the street. The first one stops and says “I think I just lost an electron!” The second one replies “Are you sure?”

“I’m positive!”

19. Q: What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? A: Beer

20. A mathematician finishes a large meal and says: √(-1/64)

21. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?

He’s 0K now.

22. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.

23. A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room, and at the other end was a beautiful scantily-dressed woman. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician says “this is pointless!”, and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out: “don’t you see, you’ll never reach her?”. To which the engineer replied: “so what? Pretty soon I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes!”.

24. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything”. The vendor makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. “Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Buddhist monk. The vendor replied, “Change must come from within.”


----------



## Andy65

A guy walks down the street and is suddenly accompanied by a penguin.
A little later he spots a policeman and asks him what he has to do with the penguin.
The policeman tells him to take the penguin to the zoo.
The next day the policeman sees the guy again. The penguin is wearing a party hat and is licking on an ice-cream cone.
The policeman walks up to the guy and says, "I told you yesterday to go to the zoo!".
The guy replies: "We did. Today we go to the movies.".


----------



## Larsky

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank  and asked for his free sex. 
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. 
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. 

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. 
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'  

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.  
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. 
You were close, but no free sex this time.' 

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really 
give away free sex at all.' 

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick. 

My wife won twice last week.'


----------



## Jim H - VA USA




----------



## asaratis

Jim H - VA USA said:


>


True story:

Wife: Do my legs look fat?
Me: No, darlin', that's not fat.  That's cellulite.

The bruise on my arm took months to go away.


----------



## sear

The talented conservative strutted into a bar and asked the nubile bartenderess for a double-entendre.
So she gave it to him.


----------



## asaratis




----------



## asaratis

*Tell Daddy at Dinner*





Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

Q: What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?

A: In a capitalist society, man exploits man,  and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

Q: How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?

A: All the red flags.


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

The star of Cake Boss was  arrested for DWI. 
Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A pride of lions, a gaggle of geese … and here’s how we might classify these groups: • A brat of boys • A giggle of girls • A stagger of drunks • A tedium of accountants • A stitch of doctors • A whine of losers • A jerk of politicians

------------------------------------------------------------------

Dollar Tree bought Family Dollar for about $8 billion. It would have been $10 billion, but Family Dollar was dented.


----------



## asaratis

*CHECK YOUR OIL*​A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Coastal Alabama
~~~~
Coastal Mississippi
~~~~
Coastal Texas
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
~~~
And Texas

~~~

*Our dipstick is located in the White House!*


----------



## asaratis




----------



## Captain Caveman

If you think you had a rough day.

Just think about Michelle Obama's Proctologist


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

Little Johnny meets Nancy Pelosi.​Nancy Pelosi was visiting a primary school in Tampa and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs. Pelosi if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Democrat asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Pelosi , "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Pelosi .
"That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Pelosi searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Pelosi , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"


----------



## asaratis

*A wealthy elderly lady asked her minister if her recently deceased

beloved pet dog could be buried in the church’s cemetery with a

religious service. “I’m sorry,” the minister answered, “but we

Baptist don’t perform religious burial services on dogs.” “That’s 

too bad,” the lady said, “I was prepared to donate ten thousand

dollars for such a ceremony in my dog’s name.” “Wait a minute,”

the minister answered. “You didn’t tell me the dog was a Baptist.”*


----------



## Ringo

Armstrong, coming out of the rocket, uttered a historical phrase:
—That's one _small step_ for _man_, one _giant leap for mankind_.  And he added in an undertone:
- Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.

Upon returning to Earth, for 10 years, persistent journalists tried to get an explanation of this phrase from Armstrong, but he answered all questions that he could not say anything. The question has become traditional, as has the answer. Suddenly, 10 years after the flight, he received a standard question at a press conference:
- And who is Mr. Gorsky anyway?
Armstrong unexpectedly replied that. since Gorsky is dead, he feels entitled to explain himself:
— When I was seven years old. my brother and I were playing baseball in the yard. My brother hit the ball too hard, and it fell under the bedroom windows of Gorsky, our neighbors . I ran to pick up the ball and heard Mrs. Gorsky say to her husband:
- Oral sex?! Do you want oral sex? You'll get it when the neighbor's boy walks on the moon!


----------



## asaratis

Just some jokes, folks!


----------



## Ringo

An Orthodox priest, a Сatolic padre and a rabbi argued: who does God love more? - I'm flying in an airplane, - says the priest, - suddenly I feel that the plane is falling. I began to pray, the plane straightened out and landed safely. 
"I was driving along the highway," says the padre, " and suddenly I skidded right on the side of the road. I managed to turn to God, as the car straightened out, and I arrived safely. 
"One day on the Sabbath," says the rabbi, " I was walking down the street and I saw a large bundle of dollars lying on the ground. What should I do, it is Shabbat! I began to pray to God. And what do you think? It turns out that everyone around has Saturday, and I have Thursday!


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## Jim H - VA USA

(I wanted to be a stunt man.


----------



## asaratis




----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

*One sign that your country is finally fucked up....*



For July 4th I went to the store to pick up some supplies for hot dogs, hamburgers, and an apple pie.

I went to the usual spots to get them, but didn't find them in their usual places.

I stopped an employee and asked where the hot dogs, hamburgers, and apple pies were, as I couldn't find them.

He stopped and pointed to the rear corner of the store and said 
"_Oh, they are over there in the Ethnic Food corner_".


----------



## asaratis

*Recently In a Texas Bar...*

A bearded Arab, a Mexican, and a cute Texas blonde babe were in the same Texas bar last week: When the Mexican finishes his Mexican beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his stolen unregistered pistol from his pocket, and shoots the glass to pieces...
He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks a glass of O’Douls Amber, a non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws the glass into the air, pulls out his concealed AK-47 from under his robe, and shoots the glass to pieces... He says, 'In the Arab World we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The cool Texas blonde picks up her frosty glass of Budweiser, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her Colt 45 from her holster, and shoots dead both the Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'Honey, in Texas we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

asaratis said:


> *Recently In a Texas Bar...*
> 
> A bearded Arab, a Mexican, and a cute Texas blonde babe were in the same Texas bar last week: When the Mexican finishes his Mexican beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his stolen unregistered pistol from his pocket, and shoots the glass to pieces...
> He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
> 
> The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks a glass of O’Douls Amber, a non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws the glass into the air, pulls out his concealed AK-47 from under his robe, and shoots the glass to pieces... He says, 'In the Arab World we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
> 
> The cool Texas blonde picks up her frosty glass of Budweiser, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her Colt 45 from her holster, and shoots dead both the Mexican and the Arab.
> Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'Honey, in Texas we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'



*So.............they met my sister, did they?!!
Sure sounds like her!!!!*

YEE HAW MUDDAFUKKAHS!!!!!


----------



## Jim H - VA USA




----------



## Votto

*I was once kidnapped by mime artists.

They did unspeakable things...*


----------



## asaratis

Leo Rosten, the great Jewish writer and authority on Jewish humor, listed as one of the
characteristics of Jewish humor, revenge over the oppressor by the use of guile or circumstance.

This is such a story:

Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up
next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says,
“Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha going to do about it?"

Moshe burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.
What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says. "I'm a complete failure.

I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home.

I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

I buy a drink; drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?


----------



## Jim H - VA USA

*A Democrat, A Socialist, and an Authoritarian walk into a bar....

Bartender looks up and says,

"Hey, Joe.  What can I get you?" *


----------



## Captain Caveman

I went to this Eskimo restaurant. I asked to see the menu. The waiter said, "We don't have a lot of options, so I'll just call them out. We have whale meat steaks, we have whale meat curry, we have whale meat stir fry and of course we have the Vera Lynn". I said, "What's the Vera Lynn?", he said, "Whale meat again"


----------



## Who_Me?

God boomed, "Adam, this is Eve!!  You are to love her forever!" Adam replied, "Okay, but who is he?" God shrugged and muttered...​*"Oh, that's Keith Richards. He was here when I got here."*


----------



## Who_Me?

When asked how many people work at the Vatican, Pope John XXIII replied, "About half."


----------



## Ringo

The best things in the world make us either fat or drunk or pregnant... There is no justice.

How to distinguish a bull from a cow?
When you milk a bull, he smiles

If she writes to you "I want to talk to you" answer "Yes, me too" - Both should be nervous


----------



## Ringo

It is very difficult to understand what a woman wants. it's like finding out what the smell of the color of the letter 7 is.

In order of making the soup not so boring, try to make a evil laugh every time you add an ingredient.

A man should be a little more persistent than Jehovah's Witnesses


----------



## Jim H - VA USA




----------



## Ringo

The wife screamed at her husband for a long time and already wanted to calm down, but then he told her: "Calm down."...


----------



## Jim H - VA USA

I often wonder about this when I am following someone doing 25 in a 40 on my way to work...


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

*I was at the checkout line one day at my local store, and the cords broke on my mask.*



*All of a sudden I knew what it was to be Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl.....*


----------



## Wyld Kard

*A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He decides that he would like to wear a costume that conceals his slightly odd appearance, but can't think of any costumes that would look good and do the job. Out of ideas, he writes a note to a costume company explaining his issue. A few days later a package arrives with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is a terrible idea because they have emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head. So again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.*


----------



## Votto




----------



## Votto

*So when a billionaire dies, who inherits all the Congressmen?*


----------



## Jim H - VA USA




----------



## badbob85037

Why did the democRat cross the road?
He had his dick in a chicken.

What do ghetto kids get for Christmas? Your bike.

Why doesn't michael obama wear panties when she goes to a picnic?
It keeps the flies off the watermelon.

What is the difference between obama and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out


----------



## Ringo

English lord, 84 years old, at a reception:
- Can you imagine, doctor, despite our efforts, my young wife cannot give me an heir in any way.
- What can I recommend, sir. Hire a young secretary and go around the world on your yacht. The sea air works wonders...
...six months later...
- Your advice, sir, turned out to be very useful. My wife is pregnant!
- Glad to help, sir. By the way, how does your secretary feel?
- Thank you, well she's pregnant too.
-
A married couple from California could not get pregnant in any way.
They applied to the best clinics of their country and Europe, but all the eminent specialists just shrugged their hands: "everything is fine with you, you are healthy" ... 
As a result, desperate, they began to look for non-traditional practices. One of the "strange" well-wishers advised to turn to a Siberian shaman, who, it seems, is a very strong medium.
The couple came to Russia. Wading through the wilds of the coniferous taiga, surviving among wild animals and stoically enduring the attacks of aggressive midges, they eventually managed to get to this shaman.
The desperate couple, being on an unfriendly earth, met with the one they were so eager for, almost begged: "Oh, wise one, help us! We are good people! They have led a healthy lifestyle all their lives! We didn't do anything wrong to anyone! But why did the Almighty punish us so and we can't conceive a child?!..
The wise shaman looked at them and said: "Hey guys, what the f*ck is wrong with you?!"


----------



## Ringo

If a woman invited you to tea, and you came without alcohol and condoms, then you don't understand anything about tea drinking ceremony.


----------



## Ringo

- Why do many women watch a porn movie to the end?
- They are waiting for what is happening on the screen will end with a wedding.


----------



## Ringo

Dear, I invite you to a romantic dinner, smoothly turning into breakfast. - Are you crazy? Eat all night?


----------



## Jim H - VA USA




----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

badbob85037 said:


> Why did the democRat cross the road?
> He had his dick in a chicken.
> 
> What do ghetto kids get for Christmas? Your bike.
> 
> Why doesn't michael obama wear panties when she goes to a picnic?
> It keeps the flies off the watermelon.
> 
> What is the difference between obama and a refrigerator?
> A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out



*I laughed SO HARD..........I think I did a Biden in my pants!!!!*


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

*What do I do you ask????*


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## Ringo

The IRA veteran tells his grandchildren about his adventures:
- One day, after another action, we had to lie low. A few days later we ran out of all Guinness, and five days later we ran out of all whiskey. We suffered from thirst, the guys were barely alive.
— Why, didn't you have water?
- Believe me, son, we didn't have time to wash then.


----------



## Jim H - VA USA




----------



## Ringo

The Jew left Russia for permanent residence in Germany.
After some time, he writes a letter to a friend:
"Moische, you won't believe it! When I got to Hamburg, I was offered a job.
Moische, hold on tight, but better sit down, otherwise you'll fall!  You have no idea what I do in Germany!
Now I work at a local funeral home. And what do you think for that, I'm working in the crematorium!
Yes, Moische! I'm burning germans in a crematorium!!!"


----------



## Ringo

In my opinion, only one actor has an amazing specificity of a name - you can replace each letter of his first and last name with another, but still everyone will understand who it is about.
 Isn't that right, Kurbliduch Barbadrink?
- Oh, is that а Burgerkid Genderswitch?
Yes, Bundesmit Grabenkrug
- I thought it was Blinkenkrip Badenwatch
No, Кickendick Gardenbitch


----------



## Captain Caveman

What's the difference between Biden and a knife?

A knife has a point


----------



## Briss

What's the difference between joe and a bucket of shyt?

The bucket.


----------



## Jim H - VA USA




----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

*I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. *

So far, no one has given me a straight answer.


----------



## Ringo

- Excuse me, sir, my name is Rebecca Smith, I'm from CNN. What is your name?
- Moses Feinberg.
- Tell me, sir, how many years have you been coming here to the Wailing Wall to pray?
- It's been 70 years, no less.
- 70 years! This is amazing! And tell me, what do you ask of God?
— I ask for peace between Christians, Jews and Muslims. So that there would be no wars and hatred between people. I pray that our children will grow up in safety into people, who love each other and are responsible for their actions.
I ask God that politicians always tell the truth and put the interests of the people above their own...
— And what do you feel after 70 years of requests?
- It feels like I'm talking to a wall!


----------



## Jim H - VA USA




----------



## Ringo

From the experience of a World War II veteran:
If you come across a unit whose affiliation is difficult for you to determine, take a shot over their heads, so as not to hurt anyone.
If you get massive, accurate rifle fire in response, then it's the british.
If a barrage of machine-gun fire follows in response, then it's the germans.
If they drop their weapons and raise their hands, it's the italians
If nothing happens for five minutes, and then your position is destroyed by artillery or an air raid, it was the americans.


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

Joe Biden is like a web browser with 19 tabs open​17 are frozen and he doesn't know where the music is coming from


What does Joe Biden say to young girls when he leaves the room?​"Smell ya later!"


What’s Joe Biden’s favorite arcade game?​Space Invaders


Why doesn’t Joe Biden visit children with cancer in hospitals?​Because he can’t sniff their hair.


Why is Joe Biden afraid of getting COVID?​Because he'd lose his sense of smell.


So, joe biden walks into a bar and sees a hot, young woman sitting alone at a table....​....He sits down next to her and says “So...do I come here often?”


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

Donald Trump is visiting a school​He enters one of the classrooms and asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and says, "If my best friend was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No", says Trump. "That would be an ACCIDENT".

A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a school bus that was carrying fifty children crashed and everyone in it died, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not", says Trump. "That is what we call a GREAT LOSS".

The room is silent, and none of the other children volunteer. "What?", asks Trump. "Is there no one in here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand and says in a timid voice, "If an aeroplane carrying you, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Mike Pence, Boris Johnson, Theresa May and Jacob Rees-Mogg was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" beams Trump. "And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well", says the boy, "Because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss!"


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

Queen of England​Obama was talking to the queen of England and he asked her how she runs her country so well. The queen replies quite simply that she chooses the best people to run it. Obama considers this for a moment and then asks, "how do you ensure that they are the best people for the job?" The queen answers that she quizzes them, and as an example she calls in Tony Blair. She asks him, "your parents have a child; it's not your brother it's not your sister, who is it?" Tony replies "well of course, it's me". Obama thinks this is smart so he repeats the question to Joe Biden. Biden runs around Washington all day trying to find an answer but no one can figure it out. Finally he comes to the Attorney General and asks him, "your parents have a child; it's not your brother it's not your sister, who is it?" The general replies "of course, it's me". So Biden goes back to Obama and says "it's general so and so", Obama replies, "no you idiot, it's Tony Blair"!


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?​The United States of America.


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

Is Joe Biden coming for your guns?​Then put them upstairs.


----------



## norwegen

Our marriage counselor demonstrated to me the way to show affection to my wife. He gave her a big hug and planted a deep, wet kiss on her lips. Then he asked me, "Can you do this three times a week from now on?"

I said, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I go bowling."


----------



## Ringo

After all, the psychology of men and women differs dramatically.

Just imagine, a woman gives a man a gift for the New Year... well, for example, a set of wonderful bits for a screwdriver, electric cutters, a good meat knife, fishing rod ...
A man will call all his friends and proudly say: "What a wife! Think about it, she gave me a Bosch screwdriver, the latest model, with a spare battery... No, I'm not making it up!"
And everyone will be jealous.

The reverse situation.
A man gives a woman... well, for example, a set of awesome ladles, an expensive diamond-coated frying pan, a compact and lightweight vacuum cleaner, a sewing machine ...
A woman will call her friends and sob into the phone:
"Mine **********  He gave me an expensive saucepan with a built-in thermometer..."
"What a jerk!" a friend will exhale. "I wouldn't forgive!"


----------



## Stann

Votto said:


> Guy: " Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant. We always use protection, so how is it possible?"
> Doctor: "Let me tell you a story. There was this hunter once who always carried a gun whenever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion, and it died!
> 
> Guy: "Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion!
> Doctor:" Good! You understood the story!
> Next patient please!"


You know a lot of jokes, I didn't even get through them all today but I'll be back they're good ones. Hope you didn't tell these
Two fish are swimming up River, they hit a wall. The one fish turns to the other and says, " Dam ".                                                   How do you communicate with fish ? Drop them a line.             .                               Why is it so easy to weigh fish ? They come with their own scales.                          How do you get a nun pregnant ? Dress her up like an altar boy.                                  That's all I got today. Thanks again, Stan.


----------



## BackAgain

A man walks into the talent scout’s office, carrying his dog.

Talent Scout:  I don’t handle animal acts.

Applicant:  But, this is a TALKING dog!

Talent Scout: Just get out.

Applicant: No really!  Watch this!  “Wobbly, what’s that thing on the top of our house?”

Wobbly the bitch:  Roof!

Talent Scout: Get out!

Applicant:  No no. There’s more!  “Wobbly, what is the texture of the tree bark in front of our house?”

Wobbly the bitch: Rough!


Talent Scout: Alright, get out!

Applicant: No no. There’s more! “Wobbly, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?

Wobbly the bitch: Ruth!

Talent Scout: Alright, get out! That’s it! No more. Get the fuck out! [he throws the applicant and the bitch out his door and onto the street]

Wobbly the bitch: [to applicant] Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?!


----------



## Stann

Love is like a machine, sometimes it needs a good screw to fix it.


----------



## Stann

Having sex in the elevator is wrong on so many levels.


----------



## Stann

What's the difference between a Ferrari and an erection ? I don't have a Ferrari.


----------



## Stann

Two fish were swimming upstream and they hit a wall. The one fish turns to the other fish and says " Dam ".


----------



## Stann

From an episode of The X-Files, and Sully and Muller are arresting a man, " He says I'm not saying anything until I see my lawyer. " They ask, " Who's your lawyer ? " To which he responds, " I represent myself. "


----------



## Ringo

New Year's resolutions:
2015: Lose 10lb.
2016: Lose 12lb.
2017: Lose 15lb. 
2018: Lose 17lb. 
2019: Lose 20lb 
2020: To fight against the standards of beauty imposed by this evil materialistic and oppressive society!


----------



## Stann

Ringo said:


> New Year's resolutions:
> 2015: Lose 10lb.
> 2016: Lose 12lb.
> 2017: Lose 15lb.
> 2018: Lose 17lb.
> 2019: Lose 20lb
> 2020: To fight against the standards of beauty imposed by this evil materialistic and oppressive society!


Thanks again, this place can always use the laughter. I tried to limit my time as much as possible, the sadness and despair are too apparent.


----------



## Ringo

A sign of growing up is when in the "Three Musketeers" you start rooting for Richelieu - a statesman who was hindered by four alcoholics, three prostitutes and a degenerate in a crown.


----------



## Stann

Ringo said:


> A sign of growing up is when in the "Three Musketeers" you start rooting for Richelieu - a statesman who was hindered by four alcoholics, three prostitutes and a degenerate in a crown.


This is a really bad one, that's what makes it so good. How do you get a nun pregnant ? Dress her up like an altar boy. ( It's a joke, not meant to offend anyone. ) If you're that serious that you can't take jokes, you shouldn't be on here. Most of what is posted is a joke, and not a good one.


----------



## Jim H - VA USA

Stann said:


> This is a really bad one, that's what makes it so good. How do you get a nun pregnant ? Dress her up like an altar boy. ( It's a joke, not meant to offend anyone. ) If you're that serious that you can't take jokes, you shouldn't be on here. Most of what is posted is a joke, and not a good one.



Heard this one from a dear friend who happens to be Southern Baptist...

*Q: How do you prevent your Southern Baptist friend from drinking all of your beer?

A: 



Spoiler: Answer



Invite two of them.


*


----------



## Stann

Jim H - VA USA said:


> Heard this one from a dear friend who happens to be Southern Baptist...
> 
> *Q: How do you prevent your Southern Baptist friend from drinking all of your beer?
> 
> A:
> 
> 
> 
> Spoiler: Answer
> 
> 
> 
> Invite two of them.
> 
> 
> .*


----------



## Stann

Mom, how do you spell " scrotum " ? Honey, you should have asked me last night - it was on the tip of my tongue.


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

*Here is the sickest, most offensive, most horrific, most disgusting joke I know of.......*


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy in the face, and I was arrested for assault. 

The next day after I got out of jail, I punched a black guy in the face, and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

Have you heard about McDonald’s new Obama Value Meal?

Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton, 86% of women in D.C. said, "Not again."


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician? 
Chelsea Clinton.


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

Whats the difference between a politician and a snail?


One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere........ 
the other is a snail.


----------



## Stann

Toffeenut Baconsmuggler said:


> *Here is the sickest, most offensive, most horrific, most disgusting joke I know of.......*


That's not a good joke.


----------



## Ringo

The young monk took vows, and in the monastery his first task was to help the rest of the monks to copy by hand the church regulations, psalms, laws, etc. After working like this for a week, our nun noticed that all the monks rewrite these materials from the previous copy, and not from the original. Marveling at this fact, he expressed his surprise to the father abbot:
- Padre, after all, if someone made a mistake in the first copy, it will be repeated forever, and there is no way to fix it, because there is nothing to compare it with!
"Hmm, my son," the father abbot replied, "actually, we've been doing this for centuries... But, in principle, there is something in your reasoning! And with these words, he descended into the dungeons, where the "primary sources" were stored in huge chests, which had not been opened for centuries.
And disappeared. When almost a day had passed since his disappearance, a worried nun went down to the same cellars in search of the holy father. He found him right away - he was sitting in front of a huge open calfskin volume, banging his head against the sharp stones of the dungeon and mumbling something inarticulately. His face was covered with dirt and abrasions, blood was flowing, his hair was tangled and his eyes were crazy.
"What's the matter with you, Father?" - cried the shocked young man, - What happened?!
- Celebrate, - groaned the father abbot, - the word was: c-e-l-e-b-r-a-t-e! not "celibate"!!!


----------



## Ringo

An old man came to the Catholic church to confess. He climbed into the booth and through the partition informs the priest: - Holy Father, I want to confess what happened to me last night.
- Yes, my son.
- You see, Father, I am 83 years old, and yesterday I spent a stormy night with two 19-year-old twin girls. With each 2 times.
-Oh yes, this is, of course, a big sin. Tell me, have you ever come to me to confess before?
- No, Father. I've never confessed at all. I am a Jew and have never gone to church.
"Then why are you telling me all this?"
- I'm telling this to everyone !
-
Religious porn actresses turn the other cheek at the end of filming.
-
- I think If Judas, betraying Jesus, knew how much money the church would receive thanks to his actions, he would not have asked for 30 pieces of silver, but a percentage of sales.
- And why do you think he did hang himself ? Because the whole of Judea laughed at this shlimazl!
-
Sunday girl school at the Catholic Church.
The elderly abbess talks to the graduates about what they are going to do next.
- Vera, where are you going?
- Nowhere, I will stay here, I will serve God in the monastery.
- Well, the Lord will be very glad. And you, Jane?
- I, Mother, will go to the sisters of mercy, I will comfort the sick and the suffering.
- And God will be pleased with you. And what will Mary say?
- I'll just be a faithful wife and a loving mother.
"Well, that's commendable, too. What about you, Linda?
- And I'll be a prostitute.
"What's that?" Repeat what you said!
- - A pro-sti-tute!
- Oh, thank God! At first I thought I heard "Protestant"...


----------



## Stann

Ringo said:


> An old man came to the Catholic church to confess. He climbed into the booth and through the partition informs the priest: - Holy Father, I want to confess what happened to me last night.
> - Yes, my son.
> - You see, Father, I am 83 years old, and yesterday I spent a stormy night with two 19-year-old twin girls. With each 2 times.
> -Oh yes, this is, of course, a big sin. Tell me, have you ever come to me to confess before?
> - No, Father. I've never confessed at all. I am a Jew and have never gone to church.
> "Then why are you telling me all this?"
> - I'm telling this to everyone !
> -
> Religious porn actresses turn the other cheek at the end of filming.
> -
> - I think If Judas, betraying Jesus, knew how much money the church would receive thanks to his actions, he would not have asked for 30 pieces of silver, but a percentage of sales.
> - And why do you think he did hang himself ? Because the whole of Judea laughed at this shlimazl!
> -
> Sunday girl school at the Catholic Church.
> The elderly abbess talks to the graduates about what they are going to do next.
> - Vera, where are you going?
> - Nowhere, I will stay here, I will serve God in the monastery.
> - Well, the Lord will be very glad. And you, Jane?
> - I, Mother, will go to the sisters of mercy, I will comfort the sick and the suffering.
> - And God will be pleased with you. And what will Mary say?
> - I'll just be a faithful wife and a loving mother.
> "Well, that's commendable, too. What about you, Linda?
> - And I'll be a prostitute.
> "What's that?" Repeat what you said!
> - - A pro-sti-tute!
> - Oh, thank God! At first I thought I heard "Protestant"...


Did you hear about the new gay sitcom ?    It's called, " Leave it, it's beaver. ".


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

Stann said:


> That's not a good joke.



I didn't say it was.


----------



## Stann

Toffeenut Baconsmuggler said:


> I didn't say it was.


Well then, as jokes go, trump was the worst joke ever. Like all evil men, his misdeeds will live long after him.


----------



## Ringo

What do you get for the New Year most often? (survey among men)
1.Socks — 50 %
2. Ties — 50 %
3.Other — 0 %

What do you usually get for the New Year? (survey among women)
1.Other — 50 %
2.Completely different, not that I want - 40 %
3. Not quite that - 9 %
4. That, but I need another - 1 %

Do you drink vodka on New Year's Eve?
1. I did not understand the question... - 26 %
2. In what sense? — 24%
3. Ordinary vodka? - 22 %
4. How to understand "drink vodka"? — 28%

What will you drink for the New Year — vodka or champagne?
1. Champagne - 100 %
2.Vodka - 100 %


----------



## Ringo

Gentlemen!
Please do not drive drunk on holidays!
If you want to drive safely, I and my team of experienced professionals can help you for free.
We'll come and have a drink instead of you, so you can drive safely.


----------



## lg325




----------



## lg325

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

Kurt Vonnegut


----------



## Ringo

My great-grandfather told me that as soon as he saw the Titanic, he immediately said that this ship would sink. But no one listened to him. He tried to warn people, but all in vain: he was called an old drunk and kicked out of the cinema

- Young man, don't you want to meet an interesting girl?
- Get lost!
— Who taught you to talk to girls like that?!
- My wife.

The first day of a young family's life together. The husband sits down to lunch. Wife pours him soup. Husband:
- Why is the soup so thin and without meat?
- I don't know. I cooked exactly according to the recipe from the cookbook left over from your great-grandmother.
- And what does it say?
"Take nickel worth of meat..."


----------



## Who_Me?

Some quotes from famous and some not so famous people......

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”  *Dali Lama*

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties  *Bob Hope*

To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say, you too can be president of the United States. *George W. Bush*

“Never tell your problems to anyone...80% don't care and the other 20% are glad you have them.”  *Lou Holtz*

“If you want to see who truly loves you in this life, lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car. In a couple of hours, open it, and see which one is happy to see you.” *– Lou Holtz*

"The highlight of my baseball career came in Philadelphia's Connie Mack Stadium when I saw a fan fall out of the upper deck."   *Bob Uecker*

“I’m playing blackjack, and there was a sign over the table that said, ‘If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER.’ So I call and I say, ‘Listen, I have a jack and a seven . . .’”   *Dennis Hull*

"Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks."  *Dennis Miller*

"The Cowboy's defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts."  - *Dennis Miller*

"That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO."  - *Dennis Miller*

“I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's.”    -*Alex Karras*


----------



## Stann

Covid dick is real, it's also known as Ron DeSantis.


----------



## froggy




----------



## Ringo

After the wife 's phrase:"I want fried salted strawberries so much," the father of seven children lost consciousness.


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

Stann said:


> Well then, as jokes go, trump was the worst joke ever. Like all evil men, his misdeeds will live long after him.



How far is your head shoved up your butt then?
You don't see what the DementiacRats are doing to this country?   Of course not.
You've got Trumpitis.  He's gone and out of the White House, but thats all you focus on.


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

Stann said:


> Covid dick is real, it's also known as Ron DeSantis.



How many months did it take you to come up with this boring little ditty?


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## Stann

A rather homely prostitute office to give a man a blowjob for 25 bucks. To which he replies, " I just got out of prison, I'm not that horny. "


----------



## Ringo

Three blondes have died, they are standing at the gates of paradise. The Apostle Peter comes out to them and says:

-It is quite easy to get to heaven, you just need to demonstrate at least some knowledge of the Holy Scriptures. I'll ask you some simple question. Well, for example - what is Easter?
The first blonde says:
- Easter is when people decorate the Christmas tree and congratulate each other on the night of December 31 to January 1!
Apostle:
- Wrong, you going to hell...
The second blonde:
-Easter is when people trick each other on April 1!!
Apostle:
- Wrong, also, to hell...
The third blonde:
- Easter is an old holiday, when Jesus was crucified on the cross, he hung there for 3 days, his body was put in a cave, and the exit was rolled up with a huge stone...
The apostle, struck by the blonde's education:
- Well, go on!!

Blonde:
- Now every year this stone is rolled back - and if Jesus sees his shadow, then winter will last another 2 weeks....


----------



## Ringo

"Why are time travelers constantly trying to kill me?! I'm just an artist." (с)Adolf Hitler, 1914


----------



## froggy




----------



## Jim H - VA USA




----------



## lg325

*Why did the Tiger lose at a card game?  He was Playing with a Cheeta.             *


----------



## froggy

Why do they build fences around the graveyard

People are just dying to get in


----------



## Stann

froggy said:


> Why do they build fences around the graveyard
> 
> People are just dying to get in


This old farmer has a farm with a pond on it and orchard surrounds the pond. One day in the fall you decide to go down to the pond and check it out he hasn't been there for a while and he's going to take a 5 gallon pill with him to pick some apples. As he nears the pond he hears the laughter of women and their chatter. As it gets closest he notices that these women are skinny dipping in his pond. He makes his presence known. The women cower at the deep end of the pond and say to him " " " We're not getting out of here until you leave. " To which he replies,  " I didn't come down here to look at your naked bodies. " Then he holds up the 5 gallon pail and says, " I came down here to feed the alligator. "


----------



## Ringo

For the third year I have been going to a psychiatrist, the results are amazing - he bought an apartment and flew around half the world!


----------



## Ringo

Why doesn't anyone understand me? Do I formulate my communicative acts through too complex linguistic constructions that are inaccessible to adequate cognitive perception?

Dear Santa Claus, please make sure that for those, who do not turn on the turn signal, their cars only goes straight. Thanks.


----------



## Votto

*Why did Will Smith use an open hand?
... everyone knows paper beats Rock*


----------



## Votto

*Thanks transgenders*


----------



## Votto

A young lawyer is working late one night when his door opens and in walks Satan himself. “I have an offer,” says Satan. “If you give me your soul and the soul of everyone in your family, I’ll make you a full partner in your firm.”

The lawyer stares icily at the devil for a full minute before demanding, “So what’s the catch?”


----------



## Votto

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles.

While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they'll be pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out.

The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn."


----------



## Larsky




----------



## Ringo

A man in the barn is brewing moonshine, went to get water, came back, and see the cops are in the barn:
- - Are you making moonshine? Write an explanatory note!
- And what to write?
- Write it as it is.
The man wrote.
They read: "I see smoke coming from the barn. I think it's a fire. I take two buckets of water and go to put out. I went in, and there are two cops brewing moonshine."


----------



## lg325

Ringo said:


> A man in the barn is brewing moonshine, went to get water, came back, and see the cops are in the barn:
> - - Are you making moonshine? Write an explanatory note!
> - And what to write?
> - Write it as it is.
> The man wrote.
> They read: "I see smoke coming from the barn. I think it's a fire. I take two buckets of water and go to put out. I went in, and there are two cops brewing moonshine."


It's what my grand pa would have said


----------



## froggy

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?


----------



## Jim H - VA USA




----------



## froggy

froggy said:


> What do you call a rabbit with fleas?


Bugs bunny


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

Q: How do you know that Democrats are a diverse people? 

A: Because they keep count of how many people they know in each racial or ethnic category.


----------



## lg325

Toffeenut Baconsmuggler said:


> Q: How do you know that Democrats are a diverse people?
> 
> A: Because they keep count of how many people they know in each racial or ethnic category.


And make sure to have a photo with them holding a cabbage, watermelon, or box of citrus.   And introduce them at dinner parties as some of our'' lesser people.''


----------



## Ringo

American policemen brutally beat a chinese man after asking his name.
"I have lost faith in humanity, freedom and democracy," said the victim, Fak Yu.


----------



## Jim H - VA USA




----------



## Larsky




----------



## Jim H - VA USA




----------



## App'z

The Math teacher realizes that Lil Johnny isn't paying attention in Class.
So she asks Lil Johnny to answer a question.
what are 2,4,6, 8,and 44.
Well;  Lil Johnny thinks a bit and then says,
"Fox, CBS, NBC, ABC and Cartoon Channels.


----------



## App'z




----------



## App'z

The purfect OSHA road sign,  while Reading the small print !


----------



## Jim H - VA USA

Last one....
------------------

*Now that President Biden has mastered bicycle riding......

He should try skydiving.*


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

*I decided to open a restaurant called Karma.*




There are no menus...........you get what you deserve.


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## Jim H - VA USA




----------



## Ringo

Disney teaches you to hate your stepmother, but Pornhub teaches you to love her.... 
💋💋💋
and who is EVIL here?....


----------



## sealybobo

Votto said:


> Guy: " Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant. We always use protection, so how is it possible?"
> Doctor: "Let me tell you a story. There was this hunter once who always carried a gun whenever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion, and it died!
> 
> Guy: "Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion!
> Doctor:" Good! You understood the story!
> Next patient please!"


What gets easier to pick up the more it weighs?


----------



## Captain Caveman

My skin has gone so dark with all the sun over the last few days, I've managed to get a job interview for a TV advert.


----------



## Votto




----------



## Votto




----------



## Votto




----------



## Votto




----------



## App'z

Three friends marry women from different parts of the US .

Ricky R. marries a woman from *Florida* . He says to her that she need do the dishes and house cleaning. It takes a couple of days, but on the third day, he comes home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

Next up, Bernie J. marries a woman from *Texas* . He askes his wife to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he can't see any results, but the next day he sees it's better. By the third day, he sees his house is clean, the dishes are done, and there is a dinner on the table.

So Lil Johnny the Third Friend marries a girl from *PENNSYLVANIA named Karena.* He says keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
So Lil Johnny sees the first day nothing, the second day he doesn't see anything & by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he can see a little out of his left eye, and his arm is healing enough that he can fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
So Lil Johnny still has some difficulty when he pees, even now many years later.


----------



## Jim H - VA USA

So the doctor says while working on a patient...


----------



## Ringo

A man at a psychiatrist's appointment complains:
- Doctor, I have the same strange dream every night. I dream that I am pushing a train from Seattle to New York. In the morning I wake up completely broken, as if I was actually pushing this train. What to do?
The doctor says:
- And you, my friend, before going to bed, convince yourself that you need to push the train not to New York, but only to Chicago. And then let whoever wants to push.
A month later , the patient comes back .
- Well, how are you? - the doctor asks.
- You know, Doctor, - the man says, - your advice helped a lot! I push the train to Chicago, and then I sleep like a log all night! I wake up in the morning refreshed and full of energy.
- Great! - says the doctor.
- But recently, - says the man, - there was a new attack. Now I dream every night that I'm pleasuring a dozen girls. In the morning I get up completely exhausted. Help!
- My friend, - says the doctor, - and you will convince yourself before going to bed that it is enough for you to please only four. And let the rest somehow manage on their own.
- Doctor, why four?! Can't I have only two?
- And what confuses you? If you can handle a dozen, then you can easily master four!
- Doctor! But I still have to push this damn train to Chicago later!
***
— I'm tired of you working as a simple cashier! I'm leaving you!
— Do you need a bag? Paper or plastic?
***
After the lecture for HR specialists, one of the listeners asks the speaker:
— Interviews take a lot of time. Tell me, how can you determine as quickly as possible what kind of person is in front of you — an idiot or a normal one?
- of course. Ask him some simple question. For example: "It is known that Cook made three trips, during one of them he died. During what time exactly?"
— Can you give some other example? Because my geography was bad at school.
***
After Trump's victory, for the first time in American history, the billionaire moved to live in public housing, which was occupied by a black family before him.
***
Once people asked the Lord a question....
– Why is there so much injustice, lies, deaths, debauchery, violence and wars on this earth?
God, in turn, looked at people in surprise and asked them a question:
– So don't you like all this???
– Well, of course not, Lord!- people shouted.
Then God shrugged his shoulders and replied:
– Well, then don't do it!


----------



## Hossfly

* Speaking of divorce, an acquaintance got a divorce and the cheating wife and her lawyer raked him over the coals, gave her half his worth and arranged for the wife to have custody of the child which devastated the man. He vowed he would get even one day. Well, a couple years later he was jogging in the sand at Myrtle Beach when he tripped over a hard, sharp object. He bent down, picked it up and saw it was a shiny metal oil lamp like he had seen in pictures of Arabia.*
*  It was covered with sand and in order to read the inscription, he rubbed off the sand and there was a bright flash of light , a puff of smoke and when the smoke cleared there stood a scrawny little bowlegged dude dressed in baggy pajamas, pointy sandals and a turban on his head. He told my friend, "I am a genie and you have released me from the lamp after a thousand years and I must grant you three wishes. But I must warn you that for every wish you make, every lawyer in America will receive double".
 Thinking hard my friend said, "Well, here goes. I wish I had a Rolls Royce". There was a flash and a crack and there stood a Rolls. At the same time there were two Rolls in the driveway of every lawyer in America. The genie said, "Be wise because you are making the lawyers richer". My friend said, "No sweat, I have it covered and for my second wish I would l would like a million dollars". Flash, Crack, and there appeared a stack of a million and each lawyer had two million in his bank account. The genie told him,"For your third wish be very careful because now all the lawyers are very wealthy".  So my friend thought long and hard then told the genie "Don't worry, I know what I'm doing". Then, swallowing hard and taking a deep breath, announced, "for my third wish, I....... I..... I, (gulp) wish to donate a kidney".
  And that is the true story of my friend's divorce outcome.   *


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

Hossfly said:


> * Speaking of divorce, an acquaintance got a divorce and the cheating wife and her lawyer raked him over the coals, gave her half his worth and arranged for the wife to have custody of the child which devastated the man. He vowed he would get even one day. Well, a couple years later he was jogging in the sand at Myrtle Beach when he tripped over a hard, sharp object. He bent down, picked it up and saw it was a shiny metal oil lamp like he had seen in pictures of Arabia.*
> *  It was covered with sand and in order to read the inscription, he rubbed off the sand and there was a bright flash of light , a puff of smoke and when the smoke cleared there stood a scrawny little bowlegged dude dressed in baggy pajamas, pointy sandals and a turban on his head. He told my friend, "I am a genie and you have released me from the lamp after a thousand years and I must grant you three wishes. But I must warn you that for every wish you make, every lawyer in America will receive double".*
> *Thinking hard my friend said, "Well, here goes. I wish I had a Rolls Royce". There was a flash and a crack and there stood a Rolls. At the same time there were two Rolls in the driveway of every lawyer in America. The genie said, "Be wise because you are making the lawyers richer". My friend said, "No sweat, I have it covered and for my second wish I would l would like a million dollars". Flash, Crack, and there appeared a stack of a million and each lawyer had two million in his bank account. The genie told him,"For your third wish be very careful because now all the lawyers are very wealthy".  So my friend thought long and hard then told the genie "Don't worry, I know what I'm doing". Then, swallowing hard and taking a deep breath, announced, "for my third wish, I....... I..... I, (gulp) wish to donate a kidney".
> And that is the true story of my friend's divorce outcome.   *



How was that getting back at his wife??


----------



## Hossfly

Toffeenut Baconsmuggler said:


> How was that getting back at his wife??


He divorced his wife and he got back at the shyster.


----------



## App'z




----------



## sealybobo

Votto said:


> Guy: " Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant. We always use protection, so how is it possible?"
> Doctor: "Let me tell you a story. There was this hunter once who always carried a gun whenever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion, and it died!
> 
> Guy: "Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion!
> Doctor:" Good! You understood the story!
> Next patient please!"


A Christian is being chased by a pack of lions.  Christian prays to God that he will turn the lions into Christians.  God answered his prayer.  He looks back and he sees the lions praying so he goes to join them but just as he gets close he hears the prayer ending  "We thank thee Lord for meat and drink, In Jesus' name we pray. amen"


----------



## Ringo

Girl: I am waiting for you
Shubert: I can't, I need to finish symphony #8
Girl: My parents are not home


----------



## Jim H - VA USA




----------



## lg325




----------



## Jim H - VA USA




----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## Votto

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"



"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"


----------



## excalibur




----------



## App'z

When you're hungry a Salad is good.


----------



## App'z




----------



## Ringo

The fact that artificial intelligence has learned to draw is nothing. 
Think about what will happen when it is not accepted into the Vienna Academy of Fine Arts...


----------



## Ringo

- Last year I wanted the winter not to be cold.
This year I want winter to be non-nuclear.

My life is sad,
Вut my salary is funny!

— Tell me, please, is it a kitty or a cat?
— Сan't you see by the ears?!
— No...
— It's a rabbit.

-So. You are accused of quackery. You sold the elixir of eternal youth to gullible people. Have you been convicted before?
- Yes. In 1451, 1639, 1893 and 1904.

— With the help of a mallet, you killed dozens of people and robbed hundreds. What can you say in your defense?
— The defendant, sit down and stop clowning.

- I don't understand these elections...
It's like going to a brothel to find a wife.


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

*What do you call a bear with no teeth???*

a gummi bear



*What do you get when you cross a lobster with a bus station??*

one is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.


----------



## App'z

Mt. Pleasant by Rick McKee and Kent Sligh
		

 Just dont answer yourself stupid


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## Ringo

The child calls his father at work and asks:
- Is our family like a small state?
- Yes
- And then who are you in this state?
- The President
- And Mom?
- Power
- And Grandma?
- The CIA
- And who am I?
- The people of course!
- O.K., listen to this: a new presidential candidate came to power here, the CIA is sleeping, and the people are worried!


----------



## lg325

85 Corny Jokes Everyone Will Laugh at to Celebrate National Tell a Joke Day


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## App'z




----------



## App'z




----------



## App'z

Lil Johnny a Baker marries and experiences a wonderful life, Children, grandchildren and good health.   After many years of Sustainability A womans TV Show Host has Mrs. Lil Johnny as a guest on the Show.  Mrs. Lil Johnny explains, "she's married Lil Johnny for his Buns."


----------



## App'z

A Blond walks into one of a Dozen Bars on a cruise ship,
Orders a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gives her the drink, and
she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday,
and it's today." The bartender answers,
"Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."
The Blond finishes her drink and a Blond Woman, to her right says,
I'd like to buy you a drink, too." The lady says, "Thank you,
how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
And she finishes that drink, a man, to her left, says, "I'd like to buy you a drink too."
The Blond says, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender,
I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives the Blond her drink, this time, he says,
"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old Blond gal giggles, and replies,
"Sonny, when you're my age,
you've learned how to hold your liquor.
Water, however, is a whole other issue."


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

ME!


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws

And all of my taxes refunded.


----------



## Baron Von Murderpaws




----------



## lg325

Baron Von Murderpaws said:


> View attachment 733396


🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭


----------



## App'z

Last night was very cold, I awoke to the shivers.
I hopped right up and put on my P.J.'s
Went to the throne and flushed it.
When I looked outside the Snowmen were playing.
So I went back to bed.  It was all a good dream, I thought.


----------



## App'z




----------



## Jim H - VA USA




----------



## Ringo

Some say that the best gift is a gift made with your own hands. Others like it when they are given money. However, money made with their own hands pleases few people.


----------



## App'z

The really good looking Blond is ridding on the highway and
in a hurry to get home.
She notices Red n Blues in the mirror so
Curves speeds up to give em room.
Soon she notices the Red n Blues are still in her mirrors
so after a few miles she slows and pulls over to let them pass.
As she sits there her Bikes motor wafting heat in her curls,
a really Hot LEO comes up to her right and
tells her that she has had a really tough day.
If the Georgius Blond with her helmet off,
can give her an excuse she hasn't heard the
"terrific looking Blond LEO who now removes
her Trooper Stetson and shakes out her long blond curls,
well, She'll let her go."
So the knock out Blond with Boobs thinks a bit and says,
"I thought you were trying to return my Husband!"


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## Jim H - VA USA




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## Ringo

Causes of headache in women:

a) Pressure
b) Stress
c) Flower pollen
d) Bad smells
e) Mom
f) Children
g) Boss
h) Colleagues
i) Sex
k) Money
l) No children
m) No sex
n) No money.

Causes of headache in men:

a) A woman.
b) An axe blow.
-----
If you heard your wife saying on the phone to a friend: "Mine is the same " — one hundred percent guarantee that you are not praised there...
-----
Jehovah's Witnesses would have a lot more supporters if they started their conversation with the words:
— We have a liter of vodka. Don't you want to talk about God?
----
If you don't have money for a haircut, then to the question "why don't you get a haircut? " you should answer "my hairdresser is sick," and now you are no longer an overgrown bum without money, but a successful person with a personal hairdresser.


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## Ringo

Advice to a bachelor: 
If the sink is full of unwashed dishes to the top, and you still need to put water in the kettle, then do not rush to wash the dishes. An ordinary frying pan will help you. Three pans of water and the kettle is full!


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## Baron Von Murderpaws




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## Ringo

Once Henry Kissinger was asked:
— What is shuttle diplomacy?
Kissinger replied,
—This is a universal jewish method! Let me explain with an example:
You want to use shuttle diplomacy to marry Rockefeller's daughter to a simple guy from a russian village in Siberia.
—How?
— Very simple. I go to a russian village, find a simple guy there and ask:
— Do you want to marry an american jew?
He said to me:
— What the fuck?! We have plenty of girls of our own.
I to him:
- Yeah. But she's a billionaire's daughter!
He:
— Oh! This changes things…
... Then I go to Switzerland, to a meeting of the board of the bank and ask:
— Do you want to have a siberian peasant as president?
— Ew — they tell me in the bank.
— And if he, at the same time, will be Rockefeller's son-in-law?
— Oh! This of course changes things!..
And then I go home to Rockefeller and ask:
— Do you want to have a russian man as a son-in-law?
— What are you saying, everyone in our family is financiers!
I to him:
— But he is the president of the board of the Swiss Bank!
He:
— Oh! It changes things! Susie! Come here. Mr. Kissinger has found you a fiance. He is the president of a Swiss bank!
Suzy:
— Ew… All these financiers are wheezers or faggots!
And I telling her:
- Yes, you are right. But this one is a big siberian mucho guy!
She:
— Oh! This changes things!


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## App'z

"Dad I made a girl cry today but I didn't mean to"
"What happened this time." "This Stuff Happens"
"Well she said she likes me a lot",
and then I said, " that's nice" and
then she said "don't you like me?"
"Then I Thought a Bit, thinking about what you said to Mom."
So then i said, " listen your like one of those floating turds
that no matter how many times I flush you just wont go away"


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## Jim H - VA USA




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## whoisit

A man told me he hadn't had a bite in a week, so I bit him. Corny,huh?


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## whoisit

People don't like me till they get to know me, then they hate my guts.


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## Jim H - VA USA




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## Ringo

- Mister, you are a homophobe and an anti-semite!
- How dare you!! My husband is jew!


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## App'z

I'm driving Turbos home from one of our farms when
I see a Lady walking on the side of the road.
The Day has been long, hot and the same, & I stop,
ask the woman, " would you like a lift?"
She nods her head & gets into Turbo's.
I pull back onto the highway and resume.
I make small talk with her as Turbos crosses the prairie.
The woman, looks intently at everything we pass,
seemingly to study every detail.
I notice a brown bag on the seat that
she had placed there when she stepped up into Turbos.
"What in bag?" I ask her?
The Lady looks down at the brown bag and says,
"It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
So, I think about what she just said and answer
speaking quietly, "Good trade..." ..........


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## miketx

This guy visits a sex worker and has sex. She charged him ten dollars. A week later he finds out he has crabs. Furious, he confronts the sex worker and complains loudly. Damn, she says, what did you expect for ten dollars, lobster?


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## Ringo

"Why aren't you married?"
— You know, I want him to be interested not in my body, or my money, but in my soul!
— Do you understand, that you want the Devil?

How to entertain yourself for the new year:
No kids?
Hire a babysitter anyway. Tell her the kids are sleeping in their room and leave.
And when you come, ask her: "Where are the kids!?"

Overdoing it is when the amount of alcohol you drink makes a girl so beautiful, that you feel unworthy of her.


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## Ringo

The son asks his parents:
— Why are there so many genders in the world, and there are only two doctors for them — a gynecologist and a urologist?
— Son, the rest are being treated by a psychiatrist!


----------



## App'z

A woman and Lil Johnny are involved in a car accident,
Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, This totally Hot Chick says,
"Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left
but fortunately we are not hurt. This must be a sign from God that
we should meet and be really good friends."
So; Lil Johnny thinking there may be a bright side to this,
replied, "I agree with you completely."
Lil Johnny then hands the Hottie a Bottle and says,
"Look at this, here's another miracle, its not broken.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Lets toast this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the awesomely fab hot Chick and
she nods her head in agreement takes a huge swig from the bottle and
then hands it back to the Lil Johnny. Lil Johnny thinks
on that a bit and says, "lets call Uber and
go to your place while the wreckers tow this junk."


----------



## App'z

A neighbor calls her blonde neighbor and says,
 "Close your curtains the next time you and your husband are having sex.
 The whole neighborhood was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde replied, "Well the jokes on all of you because
 I wasn't even at home yesterday!"


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## App'z




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