# Funny Email's



## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

>>>Feel free to add your own<<<​
Well done Captain!  We solute you!

A 50-something year old Muslim man arrived at his seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to an elderly white woman reading her Bible. 

Disgusted, the Muslim man immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The man said, "I cannot sit here next to this infidel." The flight attendant said, "Let me see if I can find another seat."

After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated, "There are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class."

About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class."

Before the irate Muslim man could say anything, the attendant gestured to the elderly woman and said, "Therefore, maam, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person." 

Passengers in the seats nearby began to applaud; some even gave a standing ovation.

I say, can I get an Amen to that!

Feel free to pass this one to others!


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

What's in the box? 

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She
picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell
you cat food without proof that you have a cat. It's a new government regulation. A lot of old people&#65533;buy cat food to eat, and the government wants proof that you are&#65533;buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back
to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to
buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we
cannot sell you dog food without proof&#65533; that you have a dog. It's a new government regulation. A lot of&#65533;old people buy dog food to eat, but the government wants proof that&#65533;you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. 
She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little
old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The
cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box
that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and
quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit."
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper and don't want to break any new government regulations."

Don't mess with older people...


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

A Blonde's Year in Review 

January 
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. 

February 
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!........bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!' 

April 
Trapped on escalator for hours ... 
Power went out!!!

May 
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! 

June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope. 

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later that the other swimmers cheated. They used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Darn car filled up with water because convertible top was open.

September 
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it??? 

October
Hate M & M's.....They are so hard to peel. 

November 
Baked Thanksgiving turkey for 4 1/2 days ... 
Instructions said bake 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! 

December 
Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

If this doesn't at least bring a smile to your face GO BACK TO BED!!!!!!!!


THE OSTRICH !

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
The ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.



A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
Be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and 

Pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."





The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."



Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.



This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
Asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
A salad," says the man.



"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."



Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
Places it on the table.



The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
In your pocket every time?"



"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
Me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
Would always be there."



"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"



"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a  Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.



The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"



The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

Irish funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

The power of Beer 


A man, (of course none of the men you women might know), goes into a bar and drinks beer. After every glass of beer he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it. After the 4th beer the waiter asks him why after every glass of beer he pulls the picture out and looks at it 


Then the man says: It's a picture of my wife. When she looks good to me I'm going to stop drinking and go home. That is an example of the "The Power of Beer" Be sure to click where it says "click here" 



Click Here
http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/a...es_622180a.swf

Then push the beer glass to the right.


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

PONDERISMS 

1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

3· Life is sexually transmitted.

4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'?

13· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

15· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

16· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

17· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

18· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

19· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

20· Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

Lie Clocks

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. 

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?' 

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Cl ock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.' 

'Oh,' said the man, 'Whose clock is that?' '

That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.' 

'Incredible,' said the man, 'And whose clock is that one?' 

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.' 

'Where's Barack Obama's clock?' asked the man. 

'Obama's clock is in Jesus's office, He's using it as a ceiling fan.'


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

YOU HAVE TO READ UNTIL THE END FOR IT TO BE WORTH IT!

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny a bright Navajo Indian boy, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

"Very good!"

Who said, "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Little Johnny, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863".

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed, Little Johnny knows more about history than you do." 

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up, "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right!!! Now who said that!?"

Again, Little Johnny says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!"

Little Johnny said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008"


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

FREE PHONE CALLS FROM HELL

> 
> 
> George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
> Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime. 
> 
> When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

DEER CAMP

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells 
him he isn't going.

Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting 
there with a  tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting 
you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday.

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and 
put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose 
pedals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, Here I am.


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

The Aisle Seat 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. 
> One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... 
> Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After 
> takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling 
> in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 
> 
> 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for 
> you.' 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines 
> shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab 
> said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine 
> obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the 
> Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat 
> back and enjoyed the flight. 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes 
> 
> and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab 
> neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? 
> This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This 
> spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?' 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

THE FIRST LADY'S SERVANT LIST- no wonder they are in trouble!!!

Feast your eyes on this

First Lady Requires More Than Twenty Attendants

July 7, 2009

Dr. Paul L. Williams

"In my own life, in my own small way, I have tried to give back to this country that has given me so much," she said. "See, that's why I left a job at a big law firm for a career in public service, " Michelle Obama

No, Michele Obama does not get paid to serve as the First Lady and she doesn't perform any official duties. But this hasn't deterred her from hiring an unprecedented number of staffers to cater to her every whim and to satisfy her every request in the midst of the Great Recession. Just think Mary Lincoln was taken to task for purchasing china for the White House during the Civil War. And Mamie Eisenhower had to shell out the salary for her personal secretary.

How things have changed! If you're one of the tens of millions of Americans facing certain destitution, earning less than subsistence wages stocking the shelves at  Wal-Mart or serving up McDonald cheeseburgers, prepare to scream and then come to realize that the benefit package for these servants of Miz Michelle are the same as members of the national security and defence departments and the bill for these assorted lackeys is paid by John Q. Public:

1. $172,2000 - Sher, Susan (Chief Of Staff)
2. $140,000 - Frye, Jocelyn C . (Deputy Assistant to the President and Director of Policy And Projects F or The First Lady)
3. $113,000 - Rogers, Desiree G. (Special Assistant to the President and White House Social Secretary)
4. $102,000 - Johnston, Camille Y. (Special Assistant to the President and Director of Communications for the First Lady)
5. $100,000 - Winter, Melissa E. (Special Assistant to the President and Deputy Chief Of Staff to the First Lady)
6. $90,000 - Medina , David S. (Deputy Chief Of Staff to the First Lady)
7. $84,000 - Lelyveld, Catherine M. (Director and Press Secretary to the First Lady)
8. $75,000 - Starkey, Frances M. (Director of Scheduling and Advance for the First Lady)
9. $70,000 - Sanders, Trooper (Deputy Director of Policy and Projects for the First Lady)
10. $65,000 - Burnough, Erinn J. (Deputy Director and Deputy Social Secretary)
11. $64,000 - Reinstein, Joseph B. (Deputy Director and Deputy Social Secretary)
12. $62,000 - Goodman, Jennifer R. (Deputy Director of Scheduling and Events Coordinator For The First Lady)
13. $60,000 - Fitts, Alan O. (Deputy Director of Advance and Trip Director for the First Lady)
14. $57,500 - Lewis, Dana M. (Special Assistant and Personal Aide to the First Lady)
15. $52,500 - Mustaphi, Semonti M. (Associate Director and Deputy Press Secretary To The First Lady)
16. $50,000 - Jarvis, Kristen E. (Special=2 0Assistant for Scheduling and Traveling Aide To The First Lady)
17. $45,000 - Lechtenberg, Tyler A. (Associate Director of Correspondence For The First Lady)
18. $43,000 - Tubman, Samantha (Deputy Associate Director, Social Office)
19. $40,000 - Boswell, Joseph J. (Executive Assistant to the Chief Of Staff to the First Lady)
20. $36,000 - Armbruster, Sally M. (Staff Assistant to the Social Secretary)
21. $35,000 - Bookey, Natalie (Staff Assistant)
22. $35,000 - Jackson, Deilia A. (Deputy Associate Director of Correspondence for the First Lady)

There has NEVER been anyone in the White House at any time who has created such an army of staffers whose sole duties are the facilitation of the First Lady's social life. One wonders why she needs so much help, at taxpayer expense, when even Hillary, only had three; Jackie Kennedy one; Laura Bush one; and prior to Mamie Eisenhower social help came from the President's own pocket.

Note: This does not include makeup artist Ingrid Grimes-Miles, 49, and "First Hairstylist" Johnny Wright, 31, both of whom traveled aboard Air Force One to Europe .

Copyright 2009 Canada Free Press.Com
canadafreepress.com/i ndex.php/article/12652

snopes.com: First Lady Requires More Than Twenty Attendants

http://www.whitehouse.gov/assets/doc...rt-Draft12.pdf


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

Fw: Fwd: Conservatives vs Liberals

If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn`t buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.


If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn`t eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.


If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his
enemy.
A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.



If a black man or Hispanic are conservative, they see themselves as
independently successful.
Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government
protection.



If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his
situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
(Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!)



If a conservative decides he needs=2 0health care, he goes about shopping
for it, or may choose a job that provides it.

A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.


If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is
embarrassed.

If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he's in labor
and then sues.


If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a
good laugh.

A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".

----------------------------------------------------------

If George Bush was an idiot...... 

If George W. Bush had been the first President to need a TelePrompTer installed to be able to get through a press conference, would you have laughed and said this is more proof of how he inept he is on his own and is really controlled by smarter men behind the scenes? 

If George W. Bush had spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to take Laura Bush to a play in NYC, would you have approved? 

If George W. Bush had reduced your retirement plan's holdings of GM stock by 90% and given the unions a majority stake in GM, would you have approved? 

If George W. Bush had made a joke at the expense of the Special Olympics, would you have approved? 

If George W. Bush had given Gordon Brown a set of inexpensive and incorrectly formatted DVD's, when Gordon Brown had given him a thoughtful and historically significant gift, would you have approved? 

If George W. Bush had given the Queen of England an  iPod containing videos of his speeches, would you have thought this embarrassingly narcissistic and tacky? 

If George W. Bush had bowed to the King of Saudi Arabia , would you have approved? 

If George W. Bush had visited Austria and made reference to the non-existent "Austrian language," would you have brushed it off as a minor slip? 


If George W. Bush had filled his cabinet and circle of advisers with people who cannot seem to keep current in their income taxes, would you have approved? 

If George W. Bush had been so Spanish illiterate as to refer to "Cinco de Cuatro" in front of the Mexican ambassador when it was the 5th of May (Cinco de Mayo), and continued to flub it when he tried again, would you have winced in embarrassment? 

If George W. Bush had mis-spelled the word "advice" would you have hammered him for it for years like Dan Quayle and potatoe as proof of what a dunce he is? 

If George W. Bush had burned 9,000 gallons of jet fuel to go plant a single tree on Earth Day, would you have concluded he's a hypocrite? 

If George W. Bush's administration had okayed Air Force One flying low over millions of people followed by a jet fighter in downtown Manhattan causing  widespread panic, would you have wondered whether they actually get what happened on 9-11? 

If George W. Bush had failed to send relief aid to flood victims throughout the Midwest with more people killed or made homeless than in New Orleans , would you want it made into a major ongoing political issue with claims of racism and incompetence? 

If George W.Bush had created the position of 32 Czars who report directly to him, bypassing the House and Senate on much of what is happening in America , would you have approved. 

If George W. Bush had ordered the firing of the CEO of a major corporation, even though he had no constitutional authority to do so, would you have approved? 

If George W Bush had proposed to double the national debt, which had taken more than two centuries to accumulate, in one year, would you have approved? 

If George W. Bush had then proposed to double the debt again within 10 years, would you have approved? 

So, tell me again, what is it about Obama that makes him so brilliant and impressive? Can't think of anything? Don't worry. He's done all this in 5 months -- so you'll have three years and seven months to come up with an answer. He even received the Noble Peace Prize for doing NOTHING!


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

Obama opens mouth to change feet

WHITE HOUSE (ABSNN) - President Barack Obama, who lately only opens his mouth to change feet, took umbrage at Fox News (this isn't news) this morning saying that the network was "unfair, unbalanced, and unnecessary."

"I therefore have signed an Executive Order shutting down Fox News and all programs on Fox television, except for the one's my children think are funny," the President told reporters from the White House Press Room.

"Reporters seemed stunned by the President's announcement," said a Constitutional scholar, Judge Judy.

"But I told him it was OK for him to do it because Fox News is so mean to him," she concluded.

"Does that mean an end to freedom of the press," an ABSNN reporter asked the President.

"More or less, but I'll review each network's coverage of my political agenda and only shut down the ones that make me look bad," he said.

"I've also signed an Executive Order forcing the International Olympic Committee to take the games away from Rio and put them in Chicago," he stated.

"Registered Democrats and Acorn executives will be given first choice of all jobs to bring about the Olympics in 2016," said Obama.

"Can you do that," asked a French reporter.

"I can do anything. I'm a community activist," Obama told the reporter.

"Sir, you're the President now," Robert Gates reminded him.

"Oh yeah, that too. Now, everybody sing the Obama Song!"


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

Congressional math 101...... 

A vehicle at 15 mpg and 12,000 miles per year uses 800 gallons a year of gasoline.
A vehicle at 25 mpg and 12,000 miles per year uses 480 gallons a year.

So, the average clunker transaction will reduce US gasoline consumption by 320 gallons per year!!! 
They claim 700,000 traded clunkers  so that's 224 million gallons/year. 

That equates to a bit over 5 million barrels of oil.
5 million barrels of oil is about ¼ of one day's US consumption. 
And, 5 million barrels of oil costs about $375 million dollars at $75/bbl.

So, summing up Does it make sense to spend $3 billion to save $375 million?



They'll probably do a great job with health care though, using this same math.....


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

Redneck fishing

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in South Carolina recently with
Two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its Fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?
'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses.
You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em Swim
'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into These here
ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked into the eyes of the warden for a moment and then said,
'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the redneck....

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we Ain't
as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone
Retiring and moving North.


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

Marriage... in heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. 
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out and he left."

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? 'What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?' Another month passed. 
St. Peter finally returned looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informed the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple. 
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer!


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

Prairie Dog- Shut up and Dance Game

CCI: Prairie Dog- Shut up and Dance Game


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

Parking Ticket LOL

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' 


He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. 
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.. 
So my wife called him a sh..-head. He finished the second ticket and put it
on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. 
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote... 

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and saw the car had an
Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.. 
It's important at our age.


----------



## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

NOMINATED THE BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR

> 
> A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United
> States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
> says, "Thank you, Mr. American, for letting me into this country, giving
> me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
> 
> The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
> 
> The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having
> such a beautiful country here in America ."
> 
> The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
> 
> The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops,
> shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !
> 
> That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am
> not American ."
> 
> He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
> 
> She says, "No, I am from Africa ."
> 
> Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
> 
> The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
> 
> 
> 
> IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FRIENDS, BY 11:30 AM
> TOMORROW...YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.... ABSOLUTELY
> FREE.


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

DAVID LETTERMAN IN TROUBLE WITH NASCAR!!!! 

Now, this is funny. I'll bet Dave Letterman gets some 'flak' from the NAACP. 

Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson will go nuts !!!! 

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black  NASCAR drivers: 

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving. 

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat. 

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music. 

# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time. 

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack  Dale Earnhardt Jr. 

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race. 

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho. 

# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition. 

# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run. 

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN  NASCAR.............. 



#1 - They can't wear their helmet sideways.


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

FRONT FELL OFF 

On August 19th, 2007, an oil tanker off the coast of Australia split in two, dumping 20,000 tons of crude oil. Senator Collins, a member of the Australian Parliament, appeared on a TV news program to reassure the Australian public. 

This actual interview is so unreal, you'd swear it was a Saturday Night Live or Monty Python skit. But it's the real thing! 



[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bqTBh1yxbM]The Front Fell off the ship... great Australia interview ( Funny ) - YouTube[/ame]


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

HISTORY 101 

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed...

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass..

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

Gubmint and How Gubmint Works 

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." 
So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. 

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. 

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. 

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So They created two positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer, then hired two people. 

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they
created an administrative section and hired three people, an
Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. 

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one Year and we are $918,000 over budget, we must cutback." So they laid off the night watchman. 

NOW slowly, let it sink in. 

Quietly, we go like sheep to slaughter. 

Does anybody remember the reason given for the establishment of
the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY..... during the Carter Administration? 

Anybody? 

Anything? 

No? 

Didn't think so! 

Bottom line. We've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency....the reason for which not one person who reads this can remember! 

Ready?? 
It was very simple..and at the time, everybody thought it very appropriate. 

The Department of Energy was instituted on 
8/04/1977, TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL. 

Hey, pretty efficient, huh??? 

AND NOW IT'S 2010 -- 33 YEARS LATER -- AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS "NECESSARY" DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR. IT HAS 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES; AND LOOK AT THE JOB IT HAS DONE! THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY, "WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?" 


33 years ago 30% of our oil consumption was foreign imports. Today 70% of our oil consumption is foreign imports. 

Ah, yes -- good old Federal bureaucracy. 

NOW, WE ARE HAVE TURNED THE BANKING SYSTEM, HEALTH CARE, AND THE AUTO INDUSTRY OVER TO THE SAME GOVERNMENT? 


Hello!! Anybody Home?


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, 
>in town. 
> Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that 
>he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. 
>
> Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. 
>
>
> Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age 
>of his new bride to be.
> 
> Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.' 
>
>
>
> 
>
>
> Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that 
>the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- 
>old man. 
>
> Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the 
>banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help 
>him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. 
>
> Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one 
>that afternoon. 
>
> About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 
>
>
> 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker. 
>
> Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.' 
>
> The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 
>'And how's the hired hand?' 
>
> Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.' 
>
>
> Don't ever underestimate old men!


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

Hillbilly Birth

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'


Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think theres another one coming.'


Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.


Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems theres yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.



The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . . .



'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES --- 



How do you turn a fox into an elephant? 

Marry It! 



What is the difference between a battery and a woman? 

A battery has a positive side. 



Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? 

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.. 



How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? 

Put a nipple on it. 


Why do women fake orgasms ? 

Because they think men care. 



What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? 

Nothing, she's been told twice already. 



If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? 

Made her chain too long 



Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? 

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. 



Why do women have smaller feet than men? 

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.



Why do men pass gas more than women? 

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. 



If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. 



Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.. 

It's called a Wedding Cake. 



Why do men die before their wives? 

They want to. 



Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the truth!


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

Shoplifter injured in Augusta, Georgia.


Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia, told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a  laptop computer under his jacket. When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.


Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man however, one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, was stabbed in the back. The injury did not appear to be severe.



After police and an ambulance arrived at the scene, Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment..


The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw, injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine.

Now that is a well written police report.


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

THE PERFECT HUSBAND 

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and Gary engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. 

Gary: "Hello" 

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" 

Gary: "Yes." 

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful  leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?" 

Gary: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." 

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. 
I saw one I really liked." 

Gary: "How much?" 

WOMAN: "$90,000." 

Gary: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." 

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it." 

Gary: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want." 

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" 

Gary: "Bye! I love you, too." 

Gary hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. 

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

EMPLOYEE NOTICE 

*Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the 
economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. 

This scheme will be known as RAPE **(**Retire Aged People Early**). 

Persons selected to be **RAPED** **can apply to Congress to be considered for the **SHAFT** **program (**Special Help After Forced Termination**). 

Persons who have been **RAPED **and **SHAFTED** **will be reviewed under the **SCREW** **program (**System Covering Retired-Early Workers**).* 
* 
A person may be RAPED** **once, **SHAFTED** **twice and**SCREWED **as many times as Congress deems appropriate.* 
* 
Persons who have** **been** **RAPED** **could get **AIDS** **(**Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse**) or **HERPES** **(**Half Earnings for
Retired Personnel Early Severance**). 

Obviously persons who have **AIDS** **or **HERPES** **will not be SHAFTED or **SCREWED**any further by Congress. 

Persons who are not **RAPED** **and are staying on will receive as much ** SHIT** **(**Special High Intensity Training**) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of **SHIT **they give our citizens. 

Should you feel that you do not receive enough **SHIT**, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the **SHIT** **you can handle. 

Sincerely, 
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (**E.V.I.L.**)*
* 
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and 
oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the 
Tunnel has been turned off.*


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

The Italian Wedding Test 

I was a very happy man. 

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate.
She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister."

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom."
She said, "If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. 

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.

He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family, my son.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.


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## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much goes all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and ----- all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!


----------



## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

A U.S.. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. 

While waiting for the  coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. So he asked his staff, How much of sex is "work" and how much of it is "pleasure?" 

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work. 

A Captain said it was 50%-50%. 

A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.. 

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion. 

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.." 

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why. 

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them." 

The room fell silent.


----------



## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day!!! 

Gotta love this Judge! 
You must read this...a proper decision by the courts...for a change. 

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY 
In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover 
Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against 
Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it 
was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. 

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate 
presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case 
dismissed!" 

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How 
can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and 
others. The Jews have Passover,  Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all 
other atheists have no such holidays.." 

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, 
is woefully ignorant." 
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or 
holiday for atheists.." 

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 
states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion 
of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool.. 
Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned." 

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture! 

This is too good not to forward!!

In GOD we trust.


----------



## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

3 Hillbillies

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'
1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of 
them new fangled warshin ' machines!'
1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?' 

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Cause we ain't got no plummin!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer 
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer 
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?' 
3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.


----------



## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

VIRGINIA QUAKE~~BREAKING NEWS!!!

The USGS has determined that the epicenter of the Va earthquake was in a graveyard just outside of DC. The cause appears to be due to all of our founding fathers "rolling over in their graves."


----------



## American_Jihad (May 4, 2012)

LARRY - The Cable Guy

THIS CABLE GUY HUMOR IS FUNNY BUT UNFORTUNANTLY ITS TRUE! THE MANS A GENIUS!!! 


Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately: Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida . .. .. . Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation. * Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. * Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees. * Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border. 

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today? Think about this: 1. Cows 2. The Constitution 3. The Ten Commandments 

COWS 
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.. Maybe we should give each of them a cow. 

THE CONSTITUTION 
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ....why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore. 

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS 
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, it creates a hostile work environment. 

Also, think about this ..... if you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! 

GET ER DONE!


----------



## American_Jihad (Jun 11, 2012)

Tap on the 
Shoulder

A true story from the pages of the Manchester
Evening News . . .

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.


The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.


For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."


The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."


The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."


----------



## American_Jihad (Jun 11, 2012)

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.



"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."



"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man . . . and then my dog bit me."



"So . . . I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! .........But, Hell, enough about me, how are you feeling?"


----------



## American_Jihad (Jul 23, 2012)

THE GOLD URINAL 


I'm not sure if this has not made the rounds already. If not, enjoy. If so, enjoy again.

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal!   Wow!

That   afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.
But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:

"I found out who peed in your saxophone."


----------



## American_Jihad (Jul 24, 2012)

What Is Couple Sex?

What Is Couple Sex? An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is couple sex?" The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?" The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs"


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## American_Jihad (Jan 19, 2013)

George W Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Obama was quick to stop him saying, No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think Ive been in a whorehouse.

The second barber turned to Bush and said, How about you sir? Bush replied, Go ahead; my wife doesnt know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.


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## American_Jihad (Feb 13, 2013)

Im thinking thats what happened to my iphone stylus;
dont want to go digging through a lot of crap. to find it.



      The Night Nurse

The more you think about this one, the funnier it gets. Short & sweet, a good one.




A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 16-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:


'Well, that's great....that's just great..........some asshole's got my pen!


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## American_Jihad (Aug 24, 2013)

THE PILOT







This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is
dead.  And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I hear you loud and clear.  I will talk you
through this and get back on the ground.  I've had a lot of experience with
this kind of problem.  Now just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine!
Now give me your height and position"

...





...




She says, *"I'm 5'4" and I support Obama."*




"O.K." says the voice on the radio....





*"Repeat after me: Our Father. .
Who art in Heaven. . . ."*​


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## American_Jihad (Oct 27, 2013)

* Fw: Fwd: FW: Got my Obama Care Packet today...*





*I wanted to let you know that earlier today I received my  "Obamacare enrollment packet from the White House.
It contained: *

· An aspirin and a band-aid.
· An 'Obama Hope & Change' bumper sticker
· A 'Bush's Fault' yard sign
· A 'Blame Republicans first, then anybody and everybody'  poster
· A 'Tax the Rich' banner
· An application for unemployment and a free cellphone
· An application for food stamps
· A prayer rug
· A letter assigning my debt to my grandchildren
· And lastly, a coupon for a machine that blows smoke up my ass.
Everything was made in "China" and all directions were in Spanish.

*Keep an eye out. Yours should be arriving soon.*​


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