# lies your mother told you



## shart_attack

_"It's not whether you win or lose: it's how you play the game."_

_"It's not the gift you give: it's the thought behind the gift that counts."_

Let's hear some more.


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## TheOldSchool

My mother has never uttered even the most minuscule of a semblance of a lie.  I declare her forever above all reproach!!!


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## Politico

Same here I was never told those things.


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## shart_attack

_"Nobody owns a cat."_

_"There's no such thing as a free lunch."_

_"When people curse you, don't curse them back: that just brings you down to their level."_


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## oldfart

shart_attack said:


> _"Nobody owns a cat."_
> 
> _"There's no such thing as a free lunch."_
> 
> _"When people curse you, don't curse them back: that just brings you down to their level."_



"The policeman is your friend."


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## norwegen

"You get dumber every day."

It was a lie, see, 'cuz it was more of a weekly event, IMHO.


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## The Professor

Always wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident.


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## Mudflap

"No, I don't know what that is, but I doubt something crawling in the grass would hurt you. Go ahead and pick it up."


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## Libertarianman

shart_attack said:


> _"It's not whether you win or lose: it's how you play the game."_
> 
> _"It's not the gift you give: it's the thought behind the gift that counts."_
> 
> Let's hear some more.



"Do as I say, not as I do"


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## AquaAthena

shart_attack said:


> _"It's not whether you win or lose: it's how you play the game."_
> 
> _"It's not the gift you give: it's the thought behind the gift that counts."_
> 
> Let's hear some more.



The one and only thing: There _is_ a Santa Claus...


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## JakeStarkey

AquaAthena said:


> shart_attack said:
> 
> 
> 
> _"It's not whether you win or lose: it's how you play the game."_
> 
> _"It's not the gift you give: it's the thought behind the gift that counts."_
> 
> Let's hear some more.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The one and only thing: There _is_ a Santa Claus...
Click to expand...


The greatest truthful falsehood of all of them.  Thanks, Mom.


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## Truthmatters

shart_attack said:


> _"It's not whether you win or lose: it's how you play the game."_
> 
> _"It's not the gift you give: it's the thought behind the gift that counts."_
> 
> Let's hear some more.



those are not lies your just an asshole


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## Moonglow

Better do your chores, or I'll get the switch to your britches.


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## Truthmatters

the lies my mom told me she didn't know were lies so they don't count.

she was a goldwater girl


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## Libertarianman

Truthmatters said:


> the lies my mom told me she didn't know were lies so they don't count.
> 
> she was a goldwater girl



Lmao....shit no


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## Libertarianman

AquaAthena said:


> shart_attack said:
> 
> 
> 
> _"It's not whether you win or lose: it's how you play the game."_
> 
> _"It's not the gift you give: it's the thought behind the gift that counts."_
> 
> Let's hear some more.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The one and only thing: There _is_ a Santa Claus...
Click to expand...


My mother never did that


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## R.D.

When they ring the bell on the ice cream truck it means they ran out


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## Libertarianman

R.D. said:


> When they ring the bell on the ice cream truck it means they ran out



Lmao!!!!!


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## Mudflap

"Oh, honey, the curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."


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## Truthmatters

Libertarianman said:


> Truthmatters said:
> 
> 
> 
> the lies my mom told me she didn't know were lies so they don't count.
> 
> she was a goldwater girl
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Lmao....shit no
Click to expand...


yes my mom loved goldwater and is still way right leaning.


its her loyalty to her own father


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## Libertarianman

Truthmatters said:


> Libertarianman said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Truthmatters said:
> 
> 
> 
> the lies my mom told me she didn't know were lies so they don't count.
> 
> she was a goldwater girl
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Lmao....shit no
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> yes my mom loved goldwater and is still way right leaning.
> 
> 
> its her loyalty to her own father
Click to expand...


No, I mean it was no lie... She had good taste


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## Mertex

R.D. said:


> When they ring the bell on the ice cream truck it means they ran out




That was really bad....


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## Mertex

Your eyes will stay crossed if you cross them.


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## R.D.

Truthmatters said:


> Libertarianman said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Truthmatters said:
> 
> 
> 
> the lies my mom told me she didn't know were lies so they don't count.
> 
> she was a goldwater girl
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Lmao....shit no
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> yes my mom loved goldwater and is still way right leaning.
> 
> 
> its her loyalty to her own father
Click to expand...


"mother knows best" lol


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## Statistikhengst

"Now, dammit, where did I put my keys, again?"


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## Katzndogz

My mother was a democrat.  She surely lied.


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## daws101

if you do that you'll go blind...
never put new shoes on a table.
baby poop is sterile.
just to name few.


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## Statistikhengst

If I just gently sing one more tune, she will waft off into sleep...


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## gnarlylove

work hard and you'll get ahead.

that isn't the lie. the lie is that "getting ahead" (defined by money) is anywhere an honest loving person would want to be...i was happier homeless than living with my parents (that is, IFF i didn't have a srs drug addiction getting in the way of enjoying homelessness lol)

another great lie is you should love everyone/do unto others etc etc because...

either you can love everyone or you can get ahead in life. a mom's son's paradox

of course it isn't mutually exclusive but in selecting one you necessarily neglect some of the other. unless u got the answers in which case SHARE


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## daws101

the water in California tastes like fish...


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## Mudflap

"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."


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## rightwinger

"If you don't stop it........You'll go blind"


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## Jughead

1. Don't snack in between meals, as it will spoil your appetite for supper
2. A little hard work never killed anyone


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## daws101

god lives on the planet kolob 
the Indians are one of the lost tribes of Israel.
fried baloney is good.


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## Delta4Embassy

The meek shall inherit the Earth.

Playing fair is better than cheating. (Not in this culture with adages like 2nd place is only 1st place loser.)


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## Connery

That she was a better cook than I...



....until she had my Flan....now I can't get rid of her.


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## syrenn

Truthmatters said:


> the lies my mom told me she didn't know were lies so they don't count.
> 
> she was a goldwater girl





So THAT is where you get it from!!!!!


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## Delta4Embassy

Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and G-d.


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## Mertex

If I made an ugly face, my face would freeze like that.....


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## midcan5

'Some Things Don't Make Any Sense at All'   	  

"My mom says I'm her sugarplum.
My mom says I'm her lamb.
My mom says I'm completely perfect
Just the way I am.
My mom says I'm a super-special wonderful terrific little guy.
My mom just had another baby.
Why?"

Judith Viorst


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## shart_attack

_"There's no such thing as a dragon."_


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## Againsheila

shart_attack said:


> _"It's not whether you win or lose: it's how you play the game."_
> 
> _"It's not the gift you give: it's the thought behind the gift that counts."_
> 
> Let's hear some more.



Those aren't lies.  The fact that you think they are says a lot about you.


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## shart_attack

Againsheila said:


> shart_attack said:
> 
> 
> 
> _"It's not whether you win or lose: it's how you play the game."_
> 
> _"It's not the gift you give: it's the thought behind the gift that counts."_
> 
> Let's hear some more.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Those aren't lies.  The fact that you think they are says a lot about you.
Click to expand...


It's just an excuse to try to find some HUMOR. H - U - M- O - R.

The fact that you take it that seriously says all I want to know about you  mostly, that you're dull-witted, and very boring.


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## TooTall

shart_attack said:


> Againsheila said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> shart_attack said:
> 
> 
> 
> _"It's not whether you win or lose: it's how you play the game."_
> 
> _"It's not the gift you give: it's the thought behind the gift that counts."_
> 
> Let's hear some more.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Those aren't lies.  The fact that you think they are says a lot about you.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> It's just an excuse to try to find some HUMOR. H - U - M- O - R.
> 
> The fact that you take it that seriously says all I want to know about you  mostly, that you're dull-witted, and very boring.
Click to expand...


I find nothing humorous about you calling YOUR Mother a liar, and I would suggest that if you ever call MY Mother a liar, you would be in serious trouble.  

That makes you a first class jerk.


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## daws101

TooTall said:


> shart_attack said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Againsheila said:
> 
> 
> 
> Those aren't lies.  The fact that you think they are says a lot about you.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It's just an excuse to try to find some HUMOR. H - U - M- O - R.
> 
> The fact that you take it that seriously says all I want to know about you  mostly, that you're dull-witted, and very boring.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> I find nothing humorous about you calling YOUR Mother a liar, and I would suggest that if you ever call MY Mother a liar, you would be in serious trouble.
> 
> That makes you a first class jerk.
Click to expand...

what if he /she  mother, was /is a liar?
can't handle honesty?


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## TooTall

daws101 said:


> TooTall said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> shart_attack said:
> 
> 
> 
> It's just an excuse to try to find some HUMOR. H - U - M- O - R.
> 
> The fact that you take it that seriously says all I want to know about you  mostly, that you're dull-witted, and very boring.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I find nothing humorous about you calling YOUR Mother a liar, and I would suggest that if you ever call MY Mother a liar, you would be in serious trouble.
> 
> That makes you a first class jerk.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> what if he /she  mother, was /is a liar?
> can't handle honesty?
Click to expand...


There would be nothing humorous about a liar IMO.


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## Mertex

TooTall said:


> shart_attack said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Againsheila said:
> 
> 
> 
> Those aren't lies.  The fact that you think they are says a lot about you.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It's just an excuse to try to find some HUMOR. H - U - M- O - R.
> 
> The fact that you take it that seriously says all I want to know about you  mostly, that you're dull-witted, and very boring.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> I find nothing humorous about you calling YOUR Mother a liar, and I would suggest that if you ever call MY Mother a liar, you would be in serious trouble.
> 
> That makes you a first class jerk.
Click to expand...


Chill out....nobody is calling anybody's mother a liar....but most of our mothers told us things that they believed to be true that we may not.....it doesn't mean you are calling your mother a liar, just that you found out that some of her beliefs may not be your beliefs....

Didn't your mother ever tell you something like....if you cross your eyes too many times they'll stay crossed?  To eat all your vegetables because there were children starving in China?

Or, that Santa Claus was real....or, Santa knew when you were bad, or that the tooth fairy was real.....or that she could tell when you were lying.  If your mother never told you anything like that then you are probably a very rare case.


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## Mertex

Againsheila said:


> shart_attack said:
> 
> 
> 
> _"It's not whether you win or lose: it's how you play the game."_
> 
> _"It's not the gift you give: it's the thought behind the gift that counts."_
> 
> Let's hear some more.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Those aren't lies.  The fact that you think they are says a lot about you.
Click to expand...


They are not exactly truth, either.

Sometimes it is about whether you win or lose....especially if you are a coach....you could get fired if you lose too many games, and some people don't care about the thought behind a gift, they care about how much you paid for a gift, or if it matches in quality to the gift they gave you.

So, just because you see them as good advice, doesn't mean they are always true.


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## TooTall

Mertex said:


> TooTall said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> shart_attack said:
> 
> 
> 
> It's just an excuse to try to find some HUMOR. H - U - M- O - R.
> 
> The fact that you take it that seriously says all I want to know about you  mostly, that you're dull-witted, and very boring.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I find nothing humorous about you calling YOUR Mother a liar, and I would suggest that if you ever call MY Mother a liar, you would be in serious trouble.
> 
> That makes you a first class jerk.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Chill out....nobody is calling anybody's mother a liar....but most of our mothers told us things that they believed to be true that we may not.....it doesn't mean you are calling your mother a liar, just that you found out that some of her beliefs may not be your beliefs....
> 
> Didn't your mother ever tell you something like....if you cross your eyes too many times they'll stay crossed?  To eat all your vegetables because there were children starving in China?
> 
> Or, that Santa Claus was real....or, Santa knew when you were bad, or that the tooth fairy was real.....or that she could tell when you were lying.  If your mother never told you anything like that then you are probably a very rare case.
Click to expand...


The title of this thread is  "lies your mother told you" so somebody IS calling my Mother a liar.  A proper title could have been Myths told by Mom, but using the word liar is inappropriate for repeating old wives tales.


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## strollingbones

i love you


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## daws101

strollingbones said:


> i love you


best lie my mom ever told!


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## Mertex

TooTall said:


> Mertex said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> TooTall said:
> 
> 
> 
> I find nothing humorous about you calling YOUR Mother a liar, and I would suggest that if you ever call MY Mother a liar, you would be in serious trouble.
> 
> That makes you a first class jerk.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Chill out....nobody is calling anybody's mother a liar....but most of our mothers told us things that they believed to be true that we may not.....it doesn't mean you are calling your mother a liar, just that you found out that some of her beliefs may not be your beliefs....
> 
> Didn't your mother ever tell you something like....if you cross your eyes too many times they'll stay crossed?  To eat all your vegetables because there were children starving in China?
> 
> Or, that Santa Claus was real....or, Santa knew when you were bad, or that the tooth fairy was real.....or that she could tell when you were lying.  If your mother never told you anything like that then you are probably a very rare case.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> The title of this thread is  "lies your mother told you" so somebody IS calling my Mother a liar.  A proper title could have been Myths told by Mom, but using the word liar is inappropriate for repeating old wives tales.
Click to expand...


No, you obviously think every thread is about you....

If your mother never lied to you, don't post in here....and if something is not true, it is a lie...and since we know Santa Clause, as portrayed to us by our parents when we were little, is not true...ergo a lie...not a myth.

Why are you taking it so personal?


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## R.D.

TooTall said:


> Mertex said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> TooTall said:
> 
> 
> 
> I find nothing humorous about you calling YOUR Mother a liar, and I would suggest that if you ever call MY Mother a liar, you would be in serious trouble.
> 
> That makes you a first class jerk.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Chill out....nobody is calling anybody's mother a liar....but most of our mothers told us things that they believed to be true that we may not.....it doesn't mean you are calling your mother a liar, just that you found out that some of her beliefs may not be your beliefs....
> 
> Didn't your mother ever tell you something like....if you cross your eyes too many times they'll stay crossed?  To eat all your vegetables because there were children starving in China?
> 
> Or, that Santa Claus was real....or, Santa knew when you were bad, or that the tooth fairy was real.....or that she could tell when you were lying.  If your mother never told you anything like that then you are probably a very rare case.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> The title of this thread is  "lies your mother told you" so somebody IS calling my Mother a liar.  A proper title could have been Myths told by Mom, but using the word liar is inappropriate for repeating old wives tales.
Click to expand...


We don't know your mother.  Maybe you should just skip the thread?   My mom lied a lot

Some posts are  funny and some are just downright sad


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## shart_attack

TooTall said:
			
		

> I find nothing humorous about you calling YOUR Mother a liar, and I would suggest that if you ever call MY Mother a liar, you would be in serious trouble.
> 
> That makes you a first class jerk.



Bet you are just all kinds of fun to hang out with.

Or not.

Either way, I really don't care.

And if you can't find a reason to try to make someone else smile, I don't know why you're even posting on this thread.

Kay, moving along. Another half-troof Mama Shart used to toss about whimsically:

_"Children are to be seen, and not heard."_

Shortly after the births of three more shartly sibs, I learned that _"the squeaky wheel gets the grease."_

Reckon Mama Shart was full of, well, you know. Ewww.


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## editec

Do they count as lies if my mother believed them?


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## daws101

editec said:


> Do they count as lies if my mother believed them?


you mean the ones you told her? or the ones she told you....?
actors lie for a living, it's acting 101 to believe the lie for as long as you're acting ,to make it convincing


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## shart_attack

_"Never pick up a hitch-hiker."_

Bullcrap, mom.

That's how I met my first three wives.


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## daws101

here's a classic do as i say not as I do...


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## shart_attack

daws101 said:


> here's a classic do as i say not as I do...



Yup, yup, yup. I hear that one worked out really well for lotsa folks.

Thanks, mama.

Remember this one, ladies and gents and umm, _things_ (like me)?

_"Son, these are the best years of your life."_

Another lie.

Coupla years later, and Jimmy Carter was on his way back to Georgia.


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## Gracie

What Bones said.

However, my dad told me a humdinger. He said if I could pour a handful of salt on the tail of a bird, it would not be able to fly. So he had fun watching me chase birds all over the place trying to throw salt at them.


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## daws101

ANOTHER MOM CLASSIC
NEVER PUT NEW SHOES ON THE TABLE...! she never explained that one...


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## shart_attack

_"You'll shoot your eye out if you get a BB gun, son."_


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## Big Black Dog

If you fall out of that tree and break your leg don't come running to me.

If you don't stop crying I'll give you something to cry about.

You're going to eat everything on your plate even if you have to sit at the table all night.


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## Clement

The Professor said:


> Always wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident.



That's what an accident is: first you say it, then you do it. (Bill Cosby)


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## katsteve2012

"This is going to hurt me more than it will you"


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## Indofred

It's bigger than the ones the other boys have.


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## Politico

Big Black Dog said:


> If you fall out of that tree and break your leg don't come running to me.
> 
> If you don't stop crying I'll give you something to cry about.
> 
> You're going to eat everything on your plate even if you have to sit at the table all night.



Not a lie. Actually lived those. I was given something to cry about. I spent all night at a table. And when I broke my arm falling out of a tree I was dropped of at the emergency room and told to take care of it. All of those things only happened once.


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## Franticfrank

If you don't eat up,it'll rain tomorrow


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## daws101

angels fly in spaceships....


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## shart_attack

_"It takes one to know one."_

Not true, mom.

Just because I can spot a dog turd on the ground insomuch as to give me adequate time to avoid stepping in it doesn't make me a dog turd _myself_.


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## shart_attack

_"You'll catch more flies with honey than you will with shit, son."_

Two things.

1.) Not true, mom. I see a bunch more maggots on the coyote turd just outside my window than I have ever seen on the skimpy bikini-clad hotties I've met at beaches.

2.) Why the heck do I want to catch a bunch of damned _flies_, mom???​


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## shart_attack

_"The truth is stranger than fiction, son."_

So how the heck does that explain movies like _Avatar_ and the _Transformers_, mom???


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## BlueGin

" I'm going to go see a man about a horse"


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## shart_attack

BlueGin said:


> "I'm going to go see a man about a horse"



Sounds bewitchingly esoteric.


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## daws101

god lives on a planet called kolob..


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## AquaAthena

*lies your mother told you*

You can't do that.


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## daws101

do as I say not as I do...


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## BlueGin

shart_attack said:


> BlueGin said:
> 
> 
> 
> "I'm going to go see a man about a horse"
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sounds bewitchingly esoteric.
Click to expand...


Yeah...well...when she never came back with a horse it pissed me off.


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## Ropey

I don't remember any lies. I do remember the castor oil whenever I was sick on schooldays though. 

Every two hours. 

I was a very healthy child.


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## shart_attack

_"Crime doesn't pay, son."_

So how the heck does that explain American legislators, then, ma?


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## shart_attack

_"Money can't buy you love, son."_

Okay, ma, I am _bigtime_ callin' you out on this one.

Some of my best friends have been strippers.


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## shart_attack

_"Never take candy from strangers, son."_

So how the heck's a kid supposed to get some leg, then, ma???


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## shart_attack

_"You can't teach an old dog new tricks, son."_

So why the heck do you and dad spank me all the frick'n time, ma?


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## Disir

I don't remember lies. I remember real important truths. Don't spit in the wind. Keep your mouth closed on bikes.


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## Delta4Embassy

AquaAthena said:


> *lies your mother told you*
> 
> You can't do that.



Uh...(notices pic) Forgot what I was gonna say.


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