# 11 days since Greta died...



## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 14, 2014)

My sweet Greta died on January 4.  I had to take her to pet emergency  because she was having heart failure.  She had been on meds for her dilated cardiomyopathy for the past couple months and was doing good...then suddenly, she had the worst attack ever.  They tried to save her but said there was nothing more they could do (I wonder about that).  I couldn't bear to see her suffer, I couldn't bring her home suffering like that, all she could was try to breath, she wouldn't look at me or anything, just struggle to breath.  So I had them put her to sleep...the vet said that's what she would do if it was her dog.

I've been crying ever since, some days all day long to varying degrees.  I've lost 7 1/2 pounds.  And now I've gotten sick with a bad cold.  I read that grieving can weaken the immune system.  Actually being sick is good, feeling miserable kind of distracts me from my grief.

Everything seems so meaningless and empty without her.  And I have four other dogs and six cats.  But she was the light of the world.  The soul of our home.  It's just a dead place now.  I just plod along putting one foot in front of the other.  Feeling numb is the best I can feel.

This was a special, special dog.  I should say special being, because she wasn't just special among dogs, she was special among all beings.

She was my comfort in life.   So how do I find comfort when the comforter in my life is gone?


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## Mr. H. (Jan 14, 2014)

That's really sad. 

I don't think your pup would want you to bum out so badly.


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## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 14, 2014)

Sweet Greta, at one of her favorite places.


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## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 14, 2014)

Mr. H. said:


> That's really sad.
> 
> I don't think your pup would want you to bum out so badly.



I don't think she'd want me to be so sad, either.  She would take action to comfort me if she was here.  But, of course, she's not here.  If she was she'd act like a clown and do something to make me laugh and I'd say, "Greta, don't make me laugh!!!  I'm depressed!"  She certainly has done that in the past, but my depression was not as serious as this.

When my dad died in 2009 I didn't grieve like this.  But my dad didn't live with me and years would go by between seeing him.  Greta has been with me since she was six weeks and one day old, she died when she was 10 years and 10 weeks old.  We were never apart a single night in all that time.  So she leaves a huge, gaping hole.  

Life is just so...bleak.  I suppose time will help heal this, but I will never stop missing her.

I've often thought she was my soul mate, reincarnated for a while to spend time with me.  And I like to think we'll meet again, but the intellectual in me wonders if that isn't all just a bunch of b.s.  I mean, seriously.  Mankind has such a problem with dying that we've invented all these explanations about why we don't just flat out die and that's the end of us.  I would like to totally delude myself that she's waiting at the Rainbow Bridge, and oh wow, that WOULD be awesome!  But once again, that's just an invention by people trying to cope with grief.


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## AquaAthena (Jan 14, 2014)

Kooshdakhaa said:


> Sweet Greta, at one of her favorite places.



She IS a noble looking girl. I am so very sorry for your loss. Only time _can help_ to recover. Time and positive memories. I like to think of how our 4-pawed loved ones, treasured us and the good life we provided them. They were happy, because of us. Everybody won. But your grief is inconsolable at this point in time. Just know that others are feeling you pain, and are with you, in spirit. I know how it hurts and how empty you are feeling. 

Love to the memory of Greta.


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## Gracie (Jan 14, 2014)

There is no stronger bond than that of a dog. I know your pain. I know your emptiness.  6 months ago yesterday...it has been 6 long months since Gracie passed. I still cry every day for her. 

I'm so sorry Koosh. I hope Greta and Gracie met on the other side of rainbow bridge and immediately became friends.

I won't tell you to try not to grieve. I WILL say that if you hold real still and ask her to come to you..she will. Eventually. She is in a better place, hon. That is what I tell myself every day. Sometimes it works, but rarely. I am still waiting for a sign from Gracie she is ok although I know she is. Maybe she is too busy playing with Greta. I will continue to wait.

And I still wish I could have gone with her.

Hugs.


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## Gracie (Jan 14, 2014)

> So how do I find comfort when the comforter in my life is gone?



Keep plodding on and find comfort that she loved you, you loved her, and although you may not see or feel or hear her...she is still there with you.


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## strollingbones (Jan 14, 2014)

do right by her....spread that dog love.....not today .....but when you feel you can....


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## strollingbones (Jan 14, 2014)

i am sorry....it is so hard


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## April (Jan 14, 2014)

Oh wow Koosh...so sorry. 

As Gracie said...she's not gone but in body...her spirit will always be with you.


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## Sallow (Jan 14, 2014)

Kooshdakhaa said:


> Sweet Greta, at one of her favorite places.



Such a beauty.

You were very lucky.

I am sorry for your loss.

Treasure your time with her. I am sure she had a wonderful life.


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## kiwiman127 (Jan 14, 2014)

Sorry for your loss.
We had to put down our family dog five weeks ago.  I find myself missing Bud and I too get really sad. He was an important part of our family and our lives.
I have convinced myself that Bud's spirit lives on, in my heart.  That way, Bud is always with me. It has helped me a lot.  
A friend of mine posted this poem on Facebook.  It made me sad after I read it at first but the more I thought about it the better I felt. I hope it helps you.

I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying...you found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear.
"It's me, I haven't left you...I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."
I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea.
You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today, your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.
I was with you at my grave today, you tend it with such care.
I want to reassure you that I am not lying there.
I walked with you toward the house, as you fumbled for your key,
I gently put my paw on you. I smiled and said, "It's me."
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know that I was standing there.
It's possible for me to be so near you every day.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is over...I smile and watch you yawning
And say, "Goodnight, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we will stand, side-by-side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me.


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## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 14, 2014)

When she died I told my husband that I wanted to go with her.  He said, "Hannah needs you!  You have to take care of Hannah!"  Hannah is my other doberman and she is Greta's half-sister.  They have the same father, different mothers.  Hannah is about 10 months younger than Greta.

And he's right...Hannah does need me.  So do my other animals, but Hannah in particular.  I've had her since she was only six weeks old, also.

In fact, she just gave me quite a start.  I was in the kitchen washing a pan, and I was crying and talking out loud to Greta, telling her I'm sorry.  Suddenly, Hannah came running around the corner.  And for just a moment, just one precious moment, I thought it was Greta.  It was an amazing moment.  It was like Greta was back for just that one moment.

Thank you, Hannah, for that gift...and I know that you are your own being and you are not Greta.  But you share Greta's bloodline and if anyone can comfort me, it will be you.  Sweet Hannah, she misses Greta too.  Her alpha older sister, and although they had their spats, I know that Hannah relied on Greta for comfort and a sense of safety...just like I did.


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## Katzndogz (Jan 14, 2014)

Kooshdakhaa said:


> My sweet Greta died on January 4.  I had to take her to pet emergency  because she was having heart failure.  She had been on meds for her dilated cardiomyopathy for the past couple months and was doing good...then suddenly, she had the worst attack ever.  They tried to save her but said there was nothing more they could do (I wonder about that).  I couldn't bear to see her suffer, I couldn't bring her home suffering like that, all she could was try to breath, she wouldn't look at me or anything, just struggle to breath.  So I had them put her to sleep...the vet said that's what she would do if it was her dog.
> 
> I've been crying ever since, some days all day long to varying degrees.  I've lost 7 1/2 pounds.  And now I've gotten sick with a bad cold.  I read that grieving can weaken the immune system.  Actually being sick is good, feeling miserable kind of distracts me from my grief.
> 
> ...



You have been blessed simply by knowing a person like Greta.   There are animals that are so special, they come along so seldom, that their light would be gone too soon if they lived to be 100.   Greta is that kind of person, a fur person, but a person nonetheless.   Think of your other family members, those with fur are hurting no less than you are and need your comfort.   Animals grieve and they grieve for one another just as much as we grieve for them.  

My beloved Courtney was an animal like that, a cat with a pure soul.  As much as I wanted him with me, I had to recognize that his time had come and prolonging his suffering was just a selfish act on my part.  I had him put to sleep, likely just hours before God would have taken him anyway.   For an animal that had never caused another living thing a moment of pain, I could not see him in pain.   I did the right thing and you too did the right thing, the unselfish thing.   The thing that put Greta first.   Being unselfish is always going to hurt, it is a conscious choice to deprive ourselves of what we want most in the world for the benefit of our most loved ones.

I hope that you one day decide to honor Greta's memory by saving a life that would have been lost.  There are animals that you can help, that you can love and you can do it in memory of Greta and all that she meant to you.


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## Gracie (Jan 14, 2014)

Greta came to you FAST. Through Hannah.
I have never seen a daffodil in real life. Pics, yes. Nurserys, no. Not even in peoples yards. Soon after Gracie died...a single yellow daffodil grew up from a pot that had other plants in it. That one bloom lasted a month. 30 days it stayed there. Then it faded away. That may have been my sign from Gracie. I don't know. But I still wait...just in case.






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## Wolfsister77 (Jan 14, 2014)

So sorry for your loss and your pain. About a year and a half ago we lost both our dogs to cancer only 4 months apart. They were like family and it took awhile to get through it. The part that helped was the memories of the good times and time. We've since gotten new dogs and they do their best to help us in the only way they can-with companionship and devotion-typical dogs.

It will take time but you'll get there. Take care of your other pets and take care of yourself. Greta would not want you to make yourself sick. No loving dog would.

~Peace


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## Mojo2 (Jan 14, 2014)

Kooshdakhaa said:


> My sweet Greta died on January 4.  I had to take her to pet emergency  because she was having heart failure.  She had been on meds for her dilated cardiomyopathy for the past couple months and was doing good...then suddenly, she had the worst attack ever.  They tried to save her but said there was nothing more they could do (I wonder about that).  I couldn't bear to see her suffer, I couldn't bring her home suffering like that, all she could was try to breath, she wouldn't look at me or anything, just struggle to breath.  So I had them put her to sleep...the vet said that's what she would do if it was her dog.
> 
> I've been crying ever since, some days all day long to varying degrees.  I've lost 7 1/2 pounds.  And now I've gotten sick with a bad cold.  I read that grieving can weaken the immune system.  Actually being sick is good, feeling miserable kind of distracts me from my grief.
> 
> ...





Kooshdakhaa said:


> Sweet Greta, at one of her favorite places.



I don't allow myself the joy of loving a pet because of the inevitable pain that comes at the conclusion of its life.

Too much for me to bear.

She was a beautiful girl.

My heart goes out to you.


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## percysunshine (Jan 14, 2014)

Kooshdakhaa said:


> .....
> 
> This was a special, special dog.  I should say special being, because she wasn't just special among dogs, she was special among all beings.
> 
> She was my comfort in life.   So how do I find comfort when the comforter in my life is gone?



New puppy time....that is the only option.

I have been through many pet life cycles, lovely companions. The heart softens when a new puppy breaths that stinky skunk breath on my face.


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## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 14, 2014)

I have wondered if I will ever have another puppy.  My job has moved clear across town and it's not really feasible to come home at lunch.  I work through my lunch hour, but still, I'm gone nearly 9 hours Monday through Friday.

When I raised Greta and Hannah, my work was right across the street from my house.  I went over at lunchtime to check on them, and had a baby monitor that reached so if I heard anything going on  I could run over and check throughout the day.

I can't imagine leaving a new puppy for almost nine hours.  I mean, I could set up a space with separate puppy pad area and sleeping/eating area...I certainly wouldn't keep the pup in a small kennel where if they pooped and peed they've have to live in it!  But I just can't imagine leaving them alone that long.  The other dogs would be around, but they wouldn't be in the puppy's pen, you know?  But housebreaking would be a challenge when the pup was allowed to poop and pee inside all day, and then understand that they're not supposed to do that.

I don't think the time is right.  I'd be trying to make the pup be Greta.  A Greta replacement.  No one can replace Greta.  Such expectations wouldn't be fair to the pup, either.


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## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 14, 2014)

> I don't allow myself the joy of loving a pet because of the inevitable pain that comes at the conclusion of its life.



Mojo2, right now I know exactly what you mean.


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## Gracie (Jan 14, 2014)

I wrestled with whether to get another dog. But I think it would be unfair to Karma and to the dog itself. It is getting harder for me to walk even karma. I like big dogs, but cannot pick them up any more if something happened where they needed to be. Plus, I don't know how long we will be able to live here...and having animals makes it hard to find a place to rent....even with just 2 dogs now and one cat.
But I also kept thinking she would come back...in the body of another dog. Charlie did. As Gracie. Chooch came back too. As Karma, but this time as girls. What if Gracie is out there, new born, and waiting for me to find her?

Oh, I torture myself constantly. I finally decided that I will NOT go looking for another dog. I have to focus on the ones I have. Plus...money is real tight. What if they get sick? Vet bills are horrible. So no...after 5 months of torturing myself...I decided that if I am meant to have another dog...that dog will find ME.


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## Gracie (Jan 14, 2014)

And then tomorrow..I will again think about going to the animal shelter...or look on craigslist for free dogs...and then talk myself out of it again. It's been a daily battle for me for a long time.


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## Noomi (Jan 14, 2014)

Kooshdakhaa said:


> My sweet Greta died on January 4.  I had to take her to pet emergency  because she was having heart failure.  She had been on meds for her dilated cardiomyopathy for the past couple months and was doing good...then suddenly, she had the worst attack ever.  They tried to save her but said there was nothing more they could do (I wonder about that).  I couldn't bear to see her suffer, I couldn't bring her home suffering like that, all she could was try to breath, she wouldn't look at me or anything, just struggle to breath.  So I had them put her to sleep...the vet said that's what she would do if it was her dog.
> 
> I've been crying ever since, some days all day long to varying degrees.  I've lost 7 1/2 pounds.  And now I've gotten sick with a bad cold.  I read that grieving can weaken the immune system.  Actually being sick is good, feeling miserable kind of distracts me from my grief.
> 
> ...



Greta has made it across the Rainbow Bridge and will enjoy the afterlife with millions of other animals who have crossed over. Take comfort in that.
I am very sorry for your loss, hun. I know what it is like to say goodbye to a beloved furbaby.


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## percysunshine (Jan 14, 2014)

Gracie said:


> And then tomorrow..I will again think about going to the animal shelter...or look on craigslist for free dogs...and then talk myself out of it again. It's been a daily battle for me for a long time.



Just do it.


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## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 14, 2014)

Gracie said:


> And then tomorrow..I will again think about going to the animal shelter...or look on craigslist for free dogs...and then talk myself out of it again. It's been a daily battle for me for a long time.



A few days ago I decided to search for Doberman Puppies.  I found an ad on Craiglist for a doberman, a male about 10 months old, looking for his forever home.  His name is Will.  I sent an email to see if he was still available, and they replied that he was still looking for his forever home.

You don't find a lot of dobermans up here in Alaska.  I noticed that the ad was placed the day after Greta died, which kind of struck me.  I decided to do nothing, with Will's age he's not Greta reincarnate.  Like you, I feel like if I'm meant to have a new puppy, they will find me.  And hopefully...it will be Greta coming back because she sees I can't live well without her.


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## Mojo2 (Jan 15, 2014)

Gracie said:


> And then tomorrow..I will again think about going to the animal shelter...or look on craigslist for free dogs...and then talk myself out of it again. It's been a daily battle for me for a long time.



A loved one of mine was leaving for work, saw an adolescent cat and decided if it was still hanging around their back door at the end of the work day it would get fed.

It was.

It was.

And they have been fast friends ever since.

Soul mates.

The right cat appeared at the right time to the right person.

Luck?


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## Claudette (Jan 15, 2014)

So sorry for your loss. 

Its just the price we pay for having dogs in our lives. 

Greta will be in your heart for always. 

When the time is right go find another friend to fill in for Greta. Nothing will ever take her place but another friend can fill the void. 

Again sorry for your loss its one I've endured many, many times and will continue to endure.


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## Katzndogz (Jan 15, 2014)

My precious Arwen is a vital dog but not in good health.  She has a bad heart.  Every day with her is precious.   If I do not outlive her, I doubt I would get a puppy.   I think I would look for a retiree dog, one who knows what it's like to love and lose.   They had a home, they were loved, then something terrible happened to them and they live on borrowed time waiting for the final rejection.  No one wants you.    I think that would be the dog for me.   

I adopted a cat like that, ten years old named Princess.   Her elderly owner died and this pampered cat was dumped at the pound where cat rescue found her.  They thought she was so beautiful (pure white) that surely someone would take her.   No one did.   Princess was grieving herself to death.   I saw her laying in her cage, skin and bones, her mouth opened as she gasped for breath.   I knew that she would not live without an owner to love her.  I adopted her.  It took time but with both Courtney and myself to fuss over her, she began eating.   Sometimes I would see her, she would be looking out the window with big fat tears coming from her eyes as she cried for her beloved owner.    She was with me for only four years.   I know that she and her owner are together now.   I'm glad I was able to give her four more years.


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## Gracie (Jan 15, 2014)

IF I decide to go with another dog..I will get a senior dog. Much as I love puppies...I don't know how long I myself will live but I damn sure know it won't be another 14 or 15 years. So...dogs 8 and over, I will consider. And yes..I am still wrestling with it today. I do every day. Should I go look? Should I use my common sense of finances, maybe having to move, falling apart myself? Yes. I shuold use my common sense. But then..I think.......


And I go thru this every. Damn. Day.


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## Gracie (Jan 15, 2014)

Meanwhile..karma is not feeling well. She goes to the vet tomorrow. Since Gracie has died...Karma is with me 24/7. She holds me up. I hold her up. Off to the vet we go.


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## Gracie (Jan 15, 2014)

btw Koosh..it was last month that I stopped marking the calendar every saturday. Gracie died on Saturday, you see. So I was going by week. For 5 months..ever weekend, I would see Gracie Gone on  the calendar.

Now I go by the month. The 13th. I put Gracie Gone on the calendar now. Maybe within a few months, I will be able to stop that as well.  I don't know why I do it. I just...survive. She is always in my head. Every time I step outside the door to the yard. All her tnnis balls are still where she left them. They will never be moved. When I weedeat out there, I will move it, then put it back. Her toys still in the basket (two).

Do what you need to do to make it one. step. at. a. time.


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## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 15, 2014)

Gracie said:


> Meanwhile..karma is not feeling well. She goes to the vet tomorrow. Since Gracie has died...Karma is with me 24/7. She holds me up. I hold her up. Off to the vet we go.



My Hannah is of some comfort to me.  She needs me, that makes me stronger, at least for the moment.  I was crying pretty bad this morning and then I realized that Hannah was laying there trembling.  Poor, sweet Hannah.  So I stopped crying and comforted her and talked to her until she quit shaking.  She misses Greta too, Greta was her pack leader.  But I am Hannah's rock, and I can't let her down.


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## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 15, 2014)

> Grief does not change you. It reveals you.*



12 days After Greta.  I am 7 1/2 pounds down.  Now I have caught cold and have been off work for two days now.  I usually never call in sick, certainly not just for a cold.

I wonder how the grief will reveal me.  Will I like what I find.  Do I care.  What frightens me is the grief has worsened over time. Become more raw, the veils pulled away.  I don't much like life without Greta.  


* Quote from the book "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green


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## Gracie (Jan 15, 2014)

I was in your shoes. EXACT same shoes, too. You bet I thought of ..joining her. But..it WILL get better, Koosh. Please please try to hide your grief from hannah. She can read when you are sad. She can feel your pain. She proved that today.

When I had my bouts of crying..and I am not a crier so mine are loud, soul wrenching, and not pleasant....I went out in the shed out back. Or in the front yard. Or I walked to the empty lot two doors down. Karma would get upset if I got upset. 

Does hannah know greta is dead? She feels your pain, but does she know why? Karma didn't understand why I left with Gracie...and gracie never came back. I had to wait until I got her ashes..then they sniffed them...and knew. I also told them when I came home the day she died. I was not crying. I got it all out, what I could, in the car on the way home. I came in, told them Gracie Gone. Gracie Gone. Gracie Gone. They didn't understand. They waited by the door...which made me cry some more, but I would go outside away from them before i did.
Once, I held Karma and cried sobbing tears and I told her Gracie Gone. She knew by then because of the ashes.
Since then, and her reaction to my crying...I no longer do it in front of her.


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## Gracie (Jan 15, 2014)

Actually...the last ugly bout of wrenching cry was in the shed. Where the opposums live. I could hear them moving about. It was nighttime. Late. Karma was in the house with Daddy. I sat out there, with Gracies stuffed animal and let loose. And I told the opposums that Gracie, the one that saved their baby, was gone. Dead. And I wanted to die too. Soft whispers of them moving around in their boxes of nests they have out there. Silence. Stars. God hearing me weep. It lasted about an hour. Bad enough to make me physically ill. But once I was done..once I told the opposums...it eased up from then on.

You need to howl your grief. But to the sky, and alone. And when you want to talk about her, we are here for that. Just protect Hannah. Until she knows. I don't think she does yet, does she? She is confused. And scared.


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## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 15, 2014)

Gracie, I think I let Hannah see/sniff the ashes.  When I got them home I opened the tin and opened the bag...don't know why, just had to see...and I showed them to Hannah, I think.  But she definitely does not know that Greta is dead, because if I say "Where's Greta!!!" she will perk up and bark and look around.  God help me, I have done it, too.  I don't know why.  I just don't want them to forget her.

I have done some howling.  In the car alone, coming back home after she was put to sleep.  And many more times.  The first week I would actually get kind of peaceful after a long, hard bout of crying.  But now the grief is more constant.  

I think, like Hannah, I expect her to come back.  It's finally settling in that she is gone.  Really gone.

I took a couple of pictures of her after she died.  I know that sounds bizarre, but I knew I would need to see them later.  And I look at them and cry and apologize to her because Mom couldn't save her.  Mom couldn't help her.  And she had always been able to depend on me before.  But not this time.

But after seeing Hannah trembling today, I know I have to watch myself around her...just as you would protect a child, I have to protect her.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. It helps. I remember when it happened, when Gracie died, I don't think I was much comfort to you then.  I'm sorry I couldn't do or say more to help you then.


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## Gracie (Jan 16, 2014)

I never, ever mention Gracies name to the rest of the pack. I want them to forget her and get on with their lives.

You were a help when Gracie died, so no need to apologize. This board was a HUGE help. Funny how everyone bickers and fights and name calls...until a loved one dies. THAT is when you see who truly cares underneath all the bluster. USMB helped me very much. When I was diagnosed with BC, another board was there for me...the members were my lifeline. Because I was diagnosed with it at the same time Gracie started having her seizures.  So...between that board (that is connected to this one and I wish they all could get back together in one spot), and this one...and Pinterest...I kept going. But I protect Karma and moki and the cat as much as possible because I don't want them to mourn Gracie. So that name is never said out loud. I whisper it at night when I touch her box when i got to bed. But never where they can hear me. Ever.
I'm so sorry Koosh, but you should never ask where Greta is. It is torture for Hannah and the others.

Speaking of Karma...I took her to the vet today and she had compacted anal glands. She feels much better, got a pedicure, got all her shots updated. And when we got home...I got the shock of my life.

Pretties the cat decided she wanted to play. She always wrestled with Gracie..but Gracie is gone. So...she jumped on Moki who was outside sunning himself in the lounge chair. He yelped, ran to me with her hot on his tail and I said GET THE KITTY!! He looked at me like...wtf? Then it was like a lightbulb went off. He looked at the cat sitting there grinning at him and ZOOOOOOM! He chased her! He never did that before. But he did. Then she turned on him, smacked up upside his nose and chased HIM. And then karma was like....hey! What about me? For the first time..FIRST TIME in 6 months...all three were chasing each other outside. They chased her up the tree. She jumped on them from the tree. She rolled her fat body around Gracies ball and kicked it with her back legs, moki took it from her, karma took it from moki, pretties retook it from karma. I was outside laughing like I have not laughed since Gracie left. It lasted an hour. A whole hour. It was...wonderful.

And this will happen to you as well.

The vet asked me if I was going to get another dog and how was I doing lately. I said I was surviving, but had no plans to get one. I told her I wanted to, but...I don't want to go looking. If I am meant to have one, one will find ME. She nodded then said "sometimes we run across clients that can't keep their dog. We know all your fur kids. If one turns up and I think it is a good match...can I call you?" and I said "of course!".

So that is where I am today. It was a GLORIOUS day. They PLAYED. All together! 

I hope yours goes as well as possible, honey. Keep Greta close to your heart because she is there. But let the others forget...and help them do that the best you can.

Hugs


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## Gracie (Jan 16, 2014)

I made this with my paintshop pro. It made me feel sad...but close to Gracie.






I just snagged the pic of Greta. I want to make something for you. I hope you like the intent and it helps soothe you. I will post it here when I am done.


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## Katzndogz (Jan 16, 2014)

I think animals do know when one of the furry family members passes on.

When my son's cat died, he came home from the vet and the ex-feral street cat that adopted him knew immediately.  He came in and sat on my son's chest in exactly the same position Irving had.   Cesar had never before come into my son's room much less jumped on the bed.

When my old Bubba died, my dog was grief stricken for months.  She grew up with that cat, they were best friends.  Arwen knew.   When Bubba got sick, Arwen was just beside herself.  We had to help each other through.  

They know.   And it hurts.


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## Mojo2 (Jan 16, 2014)

Gracie said:


> I made this with my paintshop pro. It made me feel sad...but close to Gracie.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



It is beautiful and touching.


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## Gracie (Jan 16, 2014)

The ball. The tennis ball. Her sitting there with me, looking off to the sky. Makes me tear up every time I look at it. And I remember every tear I shed while making it, barely seeing what I was doing thru the drips in my eyes. I keep it tucked away in my TinyPic. But I go look at it now and then. It hurts...but it soothes me as well.

So I hope what I plan to try to make for Koosh helps too.


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## Gracie (Jan 16, 2014)

In fact...I am going to go mess with it now. BBL


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## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 16, 2014)

Gracie said:


> I made this with my paintshop pro. It made me feel sad...but close to Gracie.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I would love that.  Thank you for thinking of me.


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## Gracie (Jan 16, 2014)

I have half done. But I gotta ask a question first. Are you spiritual? In other words..do you believe in Christ? I will hold off until I know your thoughts on this. I want it to make you feel comforted.


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## Gracie (Jan 16, 2014)

Well...I felt like continuing to move forward...so I did. Hope it's ok. And if not...that is ok too.


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## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 17, 2014)

OMG!  That is beautiful. The first hopeful tears I've shed since she died! OMG, thank you!

I was raised a Catholic, but I say I'm agnostic because I don't know for sure that God exists.  But I don't believe he doesn't exist either. I just don't know.  And I love Jesus, I've always loved Jesus.   

First thing I'm thinking, I hope she doesn't give Jesus too much trouble!  She's a feisty one! And a big clown, too! 

Thank you so much, I will cherish this.  And it is comforting.


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## Gracie (Jan 17, 2014)

You DO know that Greta got those robes all dirty and slobbery, dontcha? Soon as Greta passed over Rainbow Bridge...He was there waiting for her, along with everyone else you loved and lost. I KNOW Gracie got thrown a tennis ball then happily pounced on Him. Which is why she is just toooo busy right now with her new best friend that doesn't mind dirty robes and slobbery kisses.
When Greta left...it was He who met her at the steps.

I am glad you are comforted.


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## Gracie (Jan 17, 2014)

Save it to your pc. I will keep it hosted for awhile on my TinyPic until I know you got it safely in your own pic hosting service. 

I'm all crosseyed now from those teeny tiny pixels I had to move around and blend, so I will probably hit the bed early tonight. No worries about the pic. It is ok where it is for a couple of days. Holler when you have it in your own spot, and then and ONLY then will I delete it.


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## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 17, 2014)

Gracie said:


> Save it to your pc. I will keep it hosted for awhile on my TinyPic until I know you got it safely in your own pic hosting service.
> 
> I'm all crosseyed now from those teeny tiny pixels I had to move around and blend, so I will probably hit the bed early tonight. No worries about the pic. It is ok where it is for a couple of days. Holler when you have it in your own spot, and then and ONLY then will I delete it.



I IMMEDIATELY saved it to my computer.  And I've also uploaded it to my photobucket account.  No way I was going to take a chance losing it!  So go ahead and delete it.

Thanks again and sleep well!


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## Gracie (Jan 17, 2014)




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## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 17, 2014)

I was just looking around on the Internet and happened upon a litter of doberman puppies in Utah born January 4...the day Greta died. There is only one red female in the litter. Somebody please tell me it's not her. I don't want to act foolishly. That puppy is not Greta and it's not fair to expect that puppy to be Greta. Greta and I will meet again when the time is right, I can't force it. Right?

And I don't want "a puppy." I want Greta. 

If we're destined to meet again, it will just happen, right?  I don't have to try and force it.  Right?


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## strollingbones (Jan 18, 2014)

stop this.....i am all for a new puppy soon but you are not ready....you CANNOT do this to yourself ....my love...hundreds of puppies were born on that day.....let this be for a while...you are in so much pain right now...

the true pain is you will never have greta again....i hate to be blunt but there we are....i look for hector.....i search for him to this day and its been 12 years or more...*great now i am crying like a baby*....hector and greta are gone....but here is the thing...i have loved again...and so will you....you will find the one...the sillie one that makes you laugh....i miss hector.... i miss how he would walk with me...and be next to me if i needed to steady myself.....now i have a big head that wacks me and nearly knocks me down.....and one day....i know i will miss that too....

give this a wee bit more time.....and let your heart mend a wee bit before you open it up again.....now with all that said....you see a puppy that needs you today....you fucking go for it...


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## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 18, 2014)

You are right, strollingbones, but I think maybe we will see Hector and Greta again.  Maybe not in this lifetime, though.

But you are right about the puppy.  I need to wait for the puppy that needs me.  And actually there's a big 9-year-old pup standing here right now who needs me.  Her name is Hannah.


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## Gracie (Jan 18, 2014)

Hannah is beautiful. Spend your time with her because SHE needs you right now.

Strollingbones is very wise. Do as she advises.


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## strollingbones (Jan 19, 2014)

hannah is beautiful.....


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## Jackson (Jan 19, 2014)

Gracie said:


> IF I decide to go with another dog..I will get a senior dog. Much as I love puppies...I don't know how long I myself will live but I damn sure know it won't be another 14 or 15 years. So...dogs 8 and over, I will consider. And yes..I am still wrestling with it today. I do every day. Should I go look? Should I use my common sense of finances, maybe having to move, falling apart myself? Yes. I shuold use my common sense. But then..I think.......
> 
> 
> And I go thru this every. Damn. Day.



Why don't you go to a shelter and see if you make a special connection with a special dog?  Maybe you will, maybe not.


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## Jackson (Jan 19, 2014)

Kooshdakhaa said:


> My sweet Greta died on January 4.  I had to take her to pet emergency  because she was having heart failure.  She had been on meds for her dilated cardiomyopathy for the past couple months and was doing good...then suddenly, she had the worst attack ever.  They tried to save her but said there was nothing more they could do (I wonder about that).  I couldn't bear to see her suffer, I couldn't bring her home suffering like that, all she could was try to breath, she wouldn't look at me or anything, just struggle to breath.  So I had them put her to sleep...the vet said that's what she would do if it was her dog.
> 
> I've been crying ever since, some days all day long to varying degrees.  I've lost 7 1/2 pounds.  And now I've gotten sick with a bad cold.  I read that grieving can weaken the immune system.  Actually being sick is good, feeling miserable kind of distracts me from my grief.
> 
> ...



When I lost my dog, 8 Ball, all black with a white circle on her tummy, I, too was devastated.  I lost interest in everything and just cried myself to sleep.  But something happened one afternoon.  As usual, I was crying myself to sleep, but in the twilight before sleep, I "saw" 8 ball and the lower part of someone standing next to her in a white robe.  She (8 ball)was so excited, barking at me and I knew exactly what she was saying.  She kept saying, "I made it!"  "I made it." I was a little disappointed she wasn't saying "I love you" or "I miss you, too." But all she kept 'yelling' was She made it in her excited bark and as healthy as she could be.  She was her young, vibrate self, but she kept looking to her right in an excited way. and I wondered what that was all about.  As she barked and  anxiously looked to her right, suddenly another black lab appeared.  It was George, her very best friend who passed two years earlier!  And off she ran with George, certainly on an adventure just as they did on Earth!  

I was so excited, grateful I was allowed to see this and my eyes finally filled with happy tears.  God allowed me a short visit on the other side of the rainbow bridge to ease my pain.

I shot up out of bed and called the owner of George and told him I had just seen George and 8 Ball.  He believed me!  Was this a dream?  I don't know.  It just seemed too real.  I was so awake as to know I was disappointed in what 8 ball said I wanted to hear she loved me too.  But I guess I knew that already.

They are having so much fun up there.  We have to remember that.  They are young and healthy.  We cannot be selfish.  Just remember the wonderful times we had with them.  And they are still having great times while they wait for us.


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## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 19, 2014)

I am reading a book by the Long Island medium, Theresa Caputo.  Yeah, I know everybody says she's a fake, but I'm desperate for answers.

Anyway, in the book she talks about visitations.  Visitations are when a dead person (and yes, they can be animals) makes their presence known to you.

Not all psychics agree, but Theresa believes that visitations occur in dreams as well as when we are awake.  So, it sounds like you had a visitation from 8 Ball.  You are very, very lucky.  I would give anything for something like that.

They say dogs can sense things, so I watch my other dogs.  Today we were playing in the yard a little bit, and Hannah kept looking this way and that.  I know what she was doing, she was watching for Greta to come zooming around the corner like she used to do.  Broke my heart.  Hannah apparently doesn't realize Greta is gone for good.   Hannah finally gave up looking, but she's been looking for Greta off and on ever since Greta died.


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## Gracie (Jan 19, 2014)

Karma did that too, for 6 months. But we made it thru the hurdle. Just make sure you don't keep bringing Greta up and asking Hannah where she is. It only confuses her, hon.


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## Jackson (Jan 19, 2014)

Kooshdakhaa said:


> I am reading a book by the Long Island medium, Theresa Caputo.  Yeah, I know everybody says she's a fake, but I'm desperate for answers.
> 
> Anyway, in the book she talks about visitations.  Visitations are when a dead person (and yes, they can be animals) makes their presence known to you.
> 
> ...



Thank you for your comment.  I think it was a visitation.  If it was a dream, it seems that I would have had her tell me that she loved me and missed me too just to hear what I wanted to hear.  And the great surprise that she had found George, her best friend and ran off together like the used to do was startling.   The whole episode was startling, really. I just sat where in amazement and at first disappointed that she didn't tell me she loved me which I thought was so important at the time.  That wasn't important.  I knew she loved me as much as I loved her.  

But wasn't it interesting for her to say, "I made it!"  Who told her about the place?  Was it George who said "You made it?  I have been waiting for you?"  I wonder. But then I remember I told her about the Rainbow Bridge as the vet was getting her shot ready.  I told her about the place she would go where she would be happy and running again without it hurting and how lovely it would be.  I told her I would come later to the bridge and come and get her.


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## Gracie (Jan 19, 2014)

Gracie was first in this pack. She will be waiting for Karma, Moki and Pretties. And eventually me and hubby. Meanwhile, I know she is busy with the others I have had she never met, but are also part of the whole pack.


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## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 19, 2014)

Jackson, she appeared to you because she does love you.  That's why she "visited" you...she loves you. Some things go without saying, you know?


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## Gracie (Jan 19, 2014)

After ChooChoo died...FatCat went soon after. I told FatCat to go to Chooch. Charlie was the last of the pack...and when he died, I told him to go to Chooch and Fatty. They all died within 6 months of Chooch dying. Mostly from grief, I think. As well as cancer setting in. That is not a long time between losing ALL of them. It just about killed me, whispering those words in their ears as they slipped away.

When Gracie died...I had nobody she knew from before. So I told her to Go To God. And she did. She will be there to greet this pack. And finally, me and daddy. We will not be getting any more dogs. Or cats.


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## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 21, 2014)

I'm at work.  And it seems like it's just getting worse.  I feel so full of despair.

Does it get worse sometimes before it gets better?  I mean if this is what life is going to be like from now on, I'm not particularly interested.  Nothing but problems, nothing but setbacks...and I could handle all that when I had Greta.  Like I said, she was the light of my life.  All this misery was tolerable when I had her.  Without her...not so much.


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## Gracie (Jan 21, 2014)

Yes, it gets bad but then it gets better. Karma and moki and the cat have been playing like crazy the past few days. Last night it was like a bunch of toddlers on caffiene running around. Lots of laughs. They forgot her. Finally. I haven't, but they have. And that is just fine with me.


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## Mojo2 (Jan 22, 2014)

Kooshdakhaa said:


> I'm at work.  And it seems like it's just getting worse.  I feel so full of despair.
> 
> Does it get worse sometimes before it gets better?  I mean if this is what life is going to be like from now on, I'm not particularly interested.  Nothing but problems, nothing but setbacks...and I could handle all that when I had Greta.  Like I said, she was the light of my life.  All this misery was tolerable when I had her.  Without her...not so much.



I'm sure if someone Googled it they might find there exists a scientific pattern to this kind of grief and whether it gets better with time or worse or what.

Incidentally, I heard this and thought of you. The lyrics are really interesting.

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78mtN6E0qdY]Gordon Lightfoot - Rainy Day People - YouTube[/ame]

I hope you have some rainy day people in your real life.


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## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 22, 2014)

I've read  quite a bit about grief, lately, Mojo2, and there are patterns but not everyone is necessarily the same.  And some people do get stuck in it.  Some people enter into depression and don't come back out.  That's what I'm afraid of.

I don't have enough Rainy Day People in my life.  Not that are close enough to help me.  My dog Greta was my main Rainy Day Person.  And she's gone.  Just like that.  My dog Hannah is probably more help to me than any people I know.  Except for people on this forum who are much more helpful than the people in my "real life."

Day 19 After Greta.  My heart is broken.


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## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 22, 2014)

Oh, and my boss, who understands what it is to love a dog, says maybe I should go get some professional help with this.

Yeah, right.  $$$$$$  My health insurance deductible is $4000 and that means I'll end up paying out of pocket for any grief counseling I seek out.  And my financial situation is going into real disaster mode, so i can't do that.

People always say that, like it's so easy to do...go get help.  Yeah, right, that works great if you have plenty of money.


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## strollingbones (Jan 23, 2014)

There is no greater sorrow than to recall happiness in times of misery.   dante


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## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 28, 2014)

I wasn't sure where to put this..."Religion" didn't seem quite right, and there is no section for "spirituality," so since it's really all about the loss of my beloved Greta, I decided to put it here.

In my search for some sort of understanding and comfort due to the recent death of my beautiful dog, I am reading a book called "There's More to Life Than This: Healing Messages, Remarkable Stories and Insight About the Other Side," by Theresa Caputo. Yeah, I know some people say she's a fraud and all that, but I like to make up my own mind.

Anyway, in the book she talks about "signs" that we get from the spirit world that we often consider coincidence, or just dismiss. She ...also talks about why souls don't remain on the other side, but come back to live in this world again and again. She says it's because our souls want to learn and grow, the more they do the closer they are to God. She says that souls grow much faster here because we must endure negativity, pain, sorrow and loss. On the Other Side, our soul can grow and learn, but not nearly as fast because it's mostly rainbows and Skittles over there. 

Anyway, I just read that last night, about 12:30 a.m. and found it significant enought to bookmark on my Kindle. Today I stopped by the desk of a coworker, looking for a document, and then just stood there looking at him. "Wow," I said, "I don't have anything to say. Pretty for unusual for me, huh?" I'm usually very chatty, but I've been so sad since losing Greta... 

"Yeah, that is pretty unusual," He replied. "Here...would you like a Skittle?"

Okay, I'm taking that as a sign.


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## Katzndogz (Jan 29, 2014)

Maybe there is something here that can help.

Pet Loss & Bereavement - Pet Partners

There are a couple of hotlines that you can call too.


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## Kooshdakhaa (Jan 29, 2014)

I am a member of a  Doberman forum.  They were comforting about Greta dying of DCM, assuring me that this was inevitable, I did the right thing, etc.  But they sure are assholes about everything else. So opinionated, their way or the highway, bite your head off if you dare disagree with them, that sort of thing.

A new person on there got a doberman puppy, he's 10 weeks old and he growled and snapped at their teenage daughter.  Now mind you, this pup just had his ears cropped a week ago, so they're all taped up and probably itchy as hell, and she was trying to put some collar on him.  The people on the forum are saying get rid of him, give him back to the no good back yard breeder you got him from, his temperament is flawed, you'll always have to worry about him, etc. etc.

He's a freaking 10-week old pup, and there was only the one incident. They need to work with him for crying out loud! Greta used to guard toys, or steal shoes and then growl at me when I'd try to take them away.  I guess according to these people I should have gotten rid of her, and yet she was the light of my life.  I never expected her to be perfect, to not have a bad day or a grouchy moment.  She was much too complex, so very intelligent.  That's why I loved (love) her so much.

I feel so sorry for that pup, I wish they were located here, I'd take that pup in.  Help me to heal my broken heart.


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## Gracie (Feb 6, 2014)

Koosh..been thinking about you. How are you doing, honey?


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## Kooshdakhaa (Feb 7, 2014)

Gracie said:


> Koosh..been thinking about you. How are you doing, honey?



Okay, I guess, Gracie.  Life is so bleak without my Greta.  

Now I'm agonizing over her last hours.  I TRUSTED those fuckers at that clinic to take her back there and take care of her.  I sat out in the waiting room for  two hours, patiently, like a nincompoop!  I should have been demanding to see my dog, what's going on with  my dog, how's she doing!!!!????  But, nooooo....I just sat out there  patiently waiting until they called me back...

To show me how bad she was doing.  I had expressed concern to those fuckers because she hadn't peed and I had given her the diuretic Lasix before I brought her in.  And they gave her more Lasix intravneously to try to get the fluids out of her.  And when I went back to see her, the vet says, oh, she finally did pee.  And she had peed on the floor, not in the kennel they'd had her in, but out on the floor.  So I think she was holding it and holding it and fucking holding it for two hours and when they realized she was going downhill they brought her out of the kennel  and she couldn't hold it anymore and she peed on the floor!  She tried not to, she was a good dog even while dying, and they could have come and got me and I would have taken her outside to pee a couple times.

But noooo.  I just sat out there in the lobby and let her down.  I wasn't there for her.

And then it all happened so fast...I felt like I was rushed into the decision to put her to sleep.  I should have been screaming, DO SOMETHING!!!  GIVE HER MORE LASIX!!! FUCKING SAVE THIS DOG, SHE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT DOG WHO EVER WALKED THE EARTH!!!!  IF YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT TO DO GET ON THE PHONE AND CALL A VET WHO DOES KNOW WHAT TO DO!

But, no...I was useless.

Maybe I'm not doing so good.  I bet you're sorry you asked.  

I just want a chance to go back and do it over.  Another chance to save her, that's all.


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## syrenn (Feb 7, 2014)

((((hugs)))


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## Kooshdakhaa (Feb 7, 2014)

I am thankful to be able to vent like this here. I am so tired of plodding along, pretending to be fine, when I am not fine.  I want my dog back.  I think she's more than that.  I think she's the most important "being" in my existence. Soulmate, I guess you'd say.  

I hope any of the crap about afterlife and being reuinited with ones we love is true.  That's my only solace, the slight chance that any of that is true.  If I knew for sure that wasn't true I'd probably just go ahead and check out now.  Because everything would be so meaningless.

But there's that chance...that slight chance that maybe there is some meaning to all this bullshit.

"They" need to send her back.  I wasn't ready to be separated from her yet.

I know, I sound like I'm crazy.


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## syrenn (Feb 7, 2014)

Kooshdakhaa said:


> I am thankful to be able to vent like this here. I am so tired of plodding along, pretending to be fine, when I am not fine.  I want my dog back.  I think she's more than that.  I think she's the most important "being" in my existence. Soulmate, I guess you'd say.
> 
> I hope any of the crap about afterlife and being reuinited with ones we love is true.  That's my only solace, the slight chance that any of that is true.  If I knew for sure that wasn't true I'd probably just go ahead and check out now.  Because everything would be so meaningless.
> 
> ...



I understand the grief you feel Koosh. The love you feel is real. The loss and greif you feel is real. 

There is nothing worse when you have to smile and cover how you are really feeling.....  It somehow makes it all that much harder to deal with. 

oh how i am wishing for and after life where i get to see all of my babies again.  No checking out Koosh. You hear me..... NO checking out.  Vent and rant.... spill it all.......  but NO checking out.


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## Kooshdakhaa (Feb 7, 2014)

syrenn said:


> Kooshdakhaa said:
> 
> 
> > I am thankful to be able to vent like this here. I am so tired of plodding along, pretending to be fine, when I am not fine.  I want my dog back.  I think she's more than that.  I think she's the most important "being" in my existence. Soulmate, I guess you'd say.
> ...



I know, I know.  Luckily I have Hannah, my other doberman, Greta's half-sister...and she needs me.  I have to take care of sweet Hannah, she is sensitive.  I also have three other dogs and six cats.  They all need me.


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## syrenn (Feb 7, 2014)

Kooshdakhaa said:


> syrenn said:
> 
> 
> > Kooshdakhaa said:
> ...



... yes, they need you. I know you love them too.....


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## Gracie (Feb 7, 2014)

> I hope any of the crap about afterlife and being reuinited with ones we love is true. That's my only solace, the slight chance that any of that is true.



Yes. It is true. All animals, being that breath, have hearts..also have souls. They go to that magical place, hon. And so will we. Don't let ANYONE tell you different. You will see her again.


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## Kooshdakhaa (Feb 8, 2014)

Gracie said:


> > I hope any of the crap about afterlife and being reuinited with ones we love is true. That's my only solace, the slight chance that any of that is true.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes. It is true. All animals, being that breath, have hearts..also have souls. They go to that magical place, hon. And so will we. Don't let ANYONE tell you different. You will see her again.



That would be so awesome.


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