# The dangers of alcohol



## Bootneck (May 1, 2015)

A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks,
"May I buy you a cocktail?"

"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread."


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## Valerie (May 1, 2015)




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## Bootneck (May 1, 2015)

I read in a newspaper that alcohol is extremely bad for you. That did it for me. I gave up reading newspapers.


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## Luddly Neddite (May 1, 2015)

I tried cooking with wine but after the third glass, I forgot what I was cooking.


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## Valerie (May 1, 2015)




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## Bootneck (May 1, 2015)

Two women friends had gone out for a girls night out, and had far too many cocktails. 

Completely trollied and staggering home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they slip behind a headstone to relieve themselves. 

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing pricey Victoria's Secret panties and didn't want to ruin them, so she grabbed a large ribbon from a wreath on a nearby grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said,

"These bloody girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night reeking of gin and wearing no panties!"

"Too right mate " said the other. "That's nothing - mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 

'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'


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## Valerie (May 1, 2015)

^ reminiscent of my recently deceased MIL


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## Bootneck (May 1, 2015)

A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"


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## Valerie (May 1, 2015)




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## Wyld Kard (May 4, 2015)

Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.  One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"


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## Mr. H. (May 4, 2015)

I'll drink to every goddamn last post in this thread.


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## Sherry (May 4, 2015)

Bootneck said:


> A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks,
> "May I buy you a cocktail?"
> 
> "No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."
> ...


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## Wyld Kard (May 5, 2015)

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket.

He does this over and over again.

Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket.

The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."


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## Wyld Kard (May 5, 2015)

How is a casino like a woman?
 Liquor in the front, poker in the back!

What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Jack Daniels?
 A guy will actually SEARCH for a bottle of Jack Daniels.


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## Wyld Kard (May 5, 2015)




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## Wyld Kard (Jul 3, 2015)




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## waltky (Jun 8, 2017)

Granny says, "Dat's right - it'll make ya goofy, like Uncle Ferd...




*Even Moderate Drinking Linked to Changes in Brain Structure, Study Finds*
_June 06, 2017  — Drinking even moderate amounts of alcohol is linked to changes in brain structure and an increased risk of worsening brain function, scientists said Tuesday._


> In a 30-year study that looked at the brains of 550 middle-aged heavy drinkers, moderate drinkers and teetotalers, the researchers found people who drank more alcohol had a greater risk of hippocampal atrophy — a form of brain damage that affects memory and spatial navigation.  People who drank more than 30 units a week on average had the highest risk, but even those who drank moderately — between 14 and 21 units a week — were far more likely than abstainers to have hippocampal atrophy, the scientists said.  "And we found no support for a protective effect of light consumption on brain structure," they added.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## yiostheoy (Jun 8, 2017)

Bootneck said:


> A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks,
> "May I buy you a cocktail?"
> 
> "No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."
> ...


Everybody knows this already !!!


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## yiostheoy (Jun 8, 2017)

In England real men drink whisky.

Real women there drink vodka.

In the USA real men drink tequila or Scotch.

Real women here drink vodka.

Vodka works the same way in England and in the USA -- it is called "the leg spreader" !!


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## yiostheoy (Jun 8, 2017)

Wildcard said:


>


Beer is called Irish wine !!


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## yiostheoy (Jun 8, 2017)

Wildcard said:


> How is a casino like a woman?
> Liquor in the front, poker in the back!
> 
> What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Jack Daniels?
> A guy will actually SEARCH for a bottle of Jack Daniels.


These are great jokes !!!


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## yiostheoy (Jun 8, 2017)

Sherry said:


> Bootneck said:
> 
> 
> > A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks,
> ...


I love taking a lady/woman (SWF/DWF) to a bar for drinks.

Sometimes it has a very happy ending that way.

The trick is to pour on the vodka for the babe and dress handsomely -- she will get horny if you look like a CEO.


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## The Sage of Main Street (Jun 8, 2017)

Sherry said:


> Bootneck said:
> 
> 
> > A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks,
> ...


Candy is dandy
But liquor is quicker   (Dorothy Parker)


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