Life After Trauma

[Kat]

I still have my other son, and that is what pushed me on to recover or actually to "accept" what happened. He was the reason why I didn't just curl up into a fetal position and die, I think. I felt like he still needs me and my other son doesn't need me anymore.

I sure understand what you are saying. You are a mighty brave woman.

I don't think it's courage. You really don't have any other choice but to go on. I always say that you never really "get over it" you just learn how to accept it.

I think it's both.

 

[Dhara]

I still have my other son, and that is what pushed me on to recover or actually to "accept" what happened. He was the reason why I didn't just curl up into a fetal position and die, I think. I felt like he still needs me and my other son doesn't need me anymore.

I sure understand what you are saying. You are a mighty brave woman.

I don't think it's courage. You really don't have any other choice but to go on. I always say that you never really "get over it" you just learn how to accept it.

Well, as someone who was chronically depressed and suicidal for years, it takes a certain "something" to survive that level of loss and mental anguish.

Literally, when I went through the worst of it, my friends asked my wife if she thought I would ever come out of it and she honestly said she didn't know.

 

[ChrisL]

On the support site I was a member of, there were some real horror stories. Just terrible things that people had to go through with the deaths of their children. Some people on there had lost more than one child, or a child and a spouse. Terrible things. had to leave that site because I felt it was hindering rather than helping my recovery, when I would log on and read all of these terrible things every day. Very depressing. It helped for a little while, realizing i wasn't alone and there were other people out there who understood exactly what I was going through, but after a while . . . I just couldn't deal with it anymore. Too much, too depressing. I'm not the kind of person that likes to sit around and mope all day every day. Work also helped a lot. Staying busy and not dwelling on it.

 

[Dhara]

On the support site I was a member of, there were some real horror stories. Just terrible things that people had to go through with the deaths of their children. Some people on there had lost more than one child, or a child and a spouse. Terrible things. had to leave that site because I felt it was hindering rather than helping my recovery, when I would log on and read all of these terrible things every day. Very depressing. It helped for a little while, realizing i wasn't alone and there were other people out there who understood exactly what I was going through, but after a while . . . I just couldn't deal with it anymore. Too much, too depressing. I'm not the kind of person that likes to sit around and mope all day every day. Work also helped a lot. Staying busy and not dwelling on it.

I understand. I was on a psych forum for awhile and I had to quit. I just felt I was swimming in it.

Right now I feel my life forward energy and it's very exciting. Now I get to offer something back to the community again

 

[ChrisL]

On the support site I was a member of, there were some real horror stories. Just terrible things that people had to go through with the deaths of their children. Some people on there had lost more than one child, or a child and a spouse. Terrible things. had to leave that site because I felt it was hindering rather than helping my recovery, when I would log on and read all of these terrible things every day. Very depressing. It helped for a little while, realizing i wasn't alone and there were other people out there who understood exactly what I was going through, but after a while . . . I just couldn't deal with it anymore. Too much, too depressing. I'm not the kind of person that likes to sit around and mope all day every day. Work also helped a lot. Staying busy and not dwelling on it.

I understand. I was on a psych forum for awhile and I had to quit. I just felt I was swimming in it.

Right now I feel my life forward energy and it's very exciting. Now I get to offer something back to the community again

I don't feel like I want to help other people in that way. I mean, if someone asked me, I would try, but I don't like to really "offer." I'm kind of a private type of person, and I normally don't like sharing these things, but since meeting you, Dhara, I realize that maybe it can be quite therapeutic to share at least a little bit instead of keeping secrets.

 

[Dhara]

It's painful to remember just how broken I was for such a long time. If I hadn't been so damn spiritually ambitious to do long term retreat I wouldn't have had to face the shit sitting still for so long had brought forward.

 

[Dhara]

On the support site I was a member of, there were some real horror stories. Just terrible things that people had to go through with the deaths of their children. Some people on there had lost more than one child, or a child and a spouse. Terrible things. had to leave that site because I felt it was hindering rather than helping my recovery, when I would log on and read all of these terrible things every day. Very depressing. It helped for a little while, realizing i wasn't alone and there were other people out there who understood exactly what I was going through, but after a while . . . I just couldn't deal with it anymore. Too much, too depressing. I'm not the kind of person that likes to sit around and mope all day every day. Work also helped a lot. Staying busy and not dwelling on it.

I understand. I was on a psych forum for awhile and I had to quit. I just felt I was swimming in it.

Right now I feel my life forward energy and it's very exciting. Now I get to offer something back to the community again

I don't feel like I want to help other people in that way. I mean, if someone asked me, I would try, but I don't like to really "offer." I'm kind of a private type of person, and I normally don't like sharing these things, but since meeting you, Dhara, I realize that maybe it can be quite therapeutic to share at least a little bit instead of keeping secrets.

For me it's a kind of peaceful acceptance. I mean, I'm not stuck in the "story" of it anymore. Iv'e been training for the last two years on simply being present with what arises, the good, the bad and the ugly

What would previously put me over the edge no longer has the power to do so.

 

[ChrisL]

It's painful to remember just how broken I was for such a long time. If I hadn't been so damn spiritually ambitious to do long term retreat I wouldn't have had to face the shit sitting still for so long had brought forward.

My son was amazing when I lost my other son. He really is what helped me the most. He was so young but he seemed so perceptive. He isn't a very "emotional" kind of person, but he drew a picture for me of what looked like a rainbow with three little lines on it, and I asked him what it meant, and he said one of the lines was me, one was him, and one was my other son, and that it was a symbol for "moving on." Ugh, I get tears just thinking about it, and I still have that somewhere in my attic.

 

[Dhara]

It's the imposition stuff that can still trigger me.

 

[ChrisL]

It's the imposition stuff that can still trigger me.

I'm very avoidant about things. I try to avoid stress. I don't like to have pets because I want to avoid the eventual death of a pet. My father took my son's death very hard. He and my son had a very close relationship, and my dad was always a drinker but picked it up a LOT after my son's passing. He drank himself to death on purpose. I'm sure of it. After splitting with my mom and then my son's death, he was absolutely devastated.

 

[ChrisL]

One of the main reasons why I don't like telling about my son is because of how people treat me differently after they know. They look at me differently, they treat me differently, and I don't want to be the one who brings people "down" so to speak. I hate when people "pity" me or feel sorry for me. Sometimes I might need that from people closest to me, but sometimes I hate it. It's really difficult to explain. I've been on political forums for years now, and (recently) is the first time I've ever shared that.

 

[Dhara]

One of the main reasons why I don't like telling about my son is because of how people treat me differently after they know. They look at me differently, they treat me differently, and I don't want to be the one who brings people "down" so to speak. I hate when people "pity" me or feel sorry for me. Sometimes I might need that from people closest to me, but sometimes I hate it. It's really difficult to explain. I've been on political forums for years now, and (recently) is the first time I've ever shared that.

It's an honor to be so trusted.

 

[Dhara]

It's the imposition stuff that can still trigger me.

I'm very avoidant about things. I try to avoid stress. I don't like to have pets because I want to avoid the eventual death of a pet. My father took my son's death very hard. He and my son had a very close relationship, and my dad was always a drinker but picked it up a LOT after my son's passing. He drank himself to death on purpose. I'm sure of it. After splitting with my mom and then my son's death, he was absolutely devastated.

I'd say some of the avoiding you're doing is wise. You're letting yourself heal without triggering more than you can handle.

 

[HUGGY]

What we're doing in Recovery is healing the wounds of culture and generations.

Dhara , I recommend that you find the individual that caused you harm and drop kick him right in the nuts so hard that he has to clear his throat to take a piss. That is if you were attacked by a man.

This is a cruel world and a fight is a fight. It happens. There is no excuse or therapy that has the same effect on your spirit as winning.

If you feel that you could not win in a fair kick to the groin then I suggest taking it as far as your ingenuity will allow. It is better to live on your feet than slowly die on your knees or worse lying down.

Time may not be the great healer but it does wonders when the authorities are looking for someone to prosecute.

Talking about it is really the last thing you should be doing about it. It removes your options to only talking about it.

I am going out on a limb and assuming your trauma was a sexual attack by a man. If not disregard.

 

[ChrisL]

It's the imposition stuff that can still trigger me.

I'm very avoidant about things. I try to avoid stress. I don't like to have pets because I want to avoid the eventual death of a pet. My father took my son's death very hard. He and my son had a very close relationship, and my dad was always a drinker but picked it up a LOT after my son's passing. He drank himself to death on purpose. I'm sure of it. After splitting with my mom and then my son's death, he was absolutely devastated.

I'd say some of the avoiding you're doing is wise. You're letting yourself heal without triggering more than you can handle.

Well, I do have my pet rabbit, but he found me! I went outside one night and when I flicked on my outdoor light, there he was, just sitting there looking at me. He's big, so at first, I was like "what the hell is that thing?" Then I got my son up out of bed, and we caught him, so now I have a pet rabbit. Lol.

 

[ChrisL]

One of the main reasons why I don't like telling about my son is because of how people treat me differently after they know. They look at me differently, they treat me differently, and I don't want to be the one who brings people "down" so to speak. I hate when people "pity" me or feel sorry for me. Sometimes I might need that from people closest to me, but sometimes I hate it. It's really difficult to explain. I've been on political forums for years now, and (recently) is the first time I've ever shared that.

It's an honor to be so trusted.

I do trust you, and your openness about your own issues has made me feel that maybe it would be good to share a little bit.

 

[ChrisL]

What we're doing in Recovery is healing the wounds of culture and generations.

Dhara , I recommend that you find the individual that caused you harm and drop kick him right in the nuts so hard that he has to clear his throat to take a piss. That is if you were attacked by a man.

This is a cruel world and a fight is a fight. It happens. There is no excuse or therapy that has the same effect on your spirit as winning.

If you feel that you could not win in a fair kick to the groin then I suggest taking it as far as your ingenuity will allow. It is better to live on your feet than slowly die on your knees or worse lying down.

Time may not be the great healer but it does wonders when the authorities are looking for someone to prosecute.

Talking about it is really the last thing you should be doing about it. It removes your options to only talking about it.

I am going out on a limb and assuming your trauma was a sexual attack by a man. If not disregard.

Yes, but it doesn't help a person to go through life feeling angry and seeking revenge. You have to learn to live your life and you have to learn how to deal with your issues in a healthy way.

 

[ChrisL]

If you go through life being an angry and vengeful person, you are only causing more harm to yourself.

 

[pillars]

I still have my other son, and that is what pushed me on to recover or actually to "accept" what happened. He was the reason why I didn't just curl up into a fetal position and die, I think. I felt like he still needs me and my other son doesn't need me anymore.

I sure understand what you are saying. You are a mighty brave woman.

I don't think it's courage. You really don't have any other choice but to go on. I always say that you never really "get over it" you just learn how to accept it.

That is courage, as I define it.

 

[HUGGY]

What we're doing in Recovery is healing the wounds of culture and generations.

Dhara , I recommend that you find the individual that caused you harm and drop kick him right in the nuts so hard that he has to clear his throat to take a piss. That is if you were attacked by a man.

This is a cruel world and a fight is a fight. It happens. There is no excuse or therapy that has the same effect on your spirit as winning.

If you feel that you could not win in a fair kick to the groin then I suggest taking it as far as your ingenuity will allow. It is better to live on your feet than slowly die on your knees or worse lying down.

Time may not be the great healer but it does wonders when the authorities are looking for someone to prosecute.

Talking about it is really the last thing you should be doing about it. It removes your options to only talking about it.

I am going out on a limb and assuming your trauma was a sexual attack by a man. If not disregard.

Yes, but it doesn't help a person to go through life feeling angry and seeking revenge. You have to learn to live your life and you have to learn how to deal with your issues in a healthy way.

I respectfully disagree.

Revenge can and does make one whole if the injustice is without merit. AKA Did the victim deserve or contribute to the original offense.

A little story: I had what I thought was a friend in HS and I invited him to my grandparent's house for a swim on the shore of Lake Washington just East of Seattle. I lived there with them and care took their place when they were out of town. The slime, my soon to be ex friend, broke into their home when I was at work and stole a nice portable radio. Anyway, I thought about the missing radio and remembered he was especially taken by it. I went by where his mom lived and told her to tell him that if the radio was not returned I would take "X" repercussions on him and "X" people that brought him into this earth...etc. Nobody steals from my grandparents and gets away with it! Not only that but what hurt most was that MY integrity and trust in watching their beautiful home(mansion) had been destroyed by the break in and theft.

The next day after reading slime's mother the riot act the radio was sitting on the porch of GP's house.

Another story: strangely enough involving a radio. And revenge.. I rebuilt a 1960 VW Bug to pristine condition and parked it in front of my house with a very expensive stereo in it. This was in 1972. One morning the perfect VW had been broken into and the stereo was missing. I walked down the street to the 7-11 that had the closest coin op video game that the local punks played. I grabbed the punk at the game and put my pistol up under his chin and promised I would start digging holes way out in the woods and take him and his pals out there and bury them one by one until the stereo was replaced. Again as before the stereo was on my front porch with a note.."sorry".

There are many other stories as I am now 67 and those two incidents were many decades in the past. Still I can look back and feel good about not being a victim in those instances and offering help to many thruout the years.

In fact I am rather an expert on extracting revenge. If the offense is pure the revenge can and should be also.
It is uplifting.

Now some of you will not take what I have shared as valid. I get that. Being a victim can be confusing. It can destroy your confidence. It can and will affect your performance in the future. I can only offer the results of what I have seen.

If any want good advice please feel free to IM. OR you can just resign yourselves to being victims. One thing for sure is no amount of counseling will ever right the wrong.