G.I. Joe: The Anti-Gambling Unit

[Abishai100]

Gambling-themed American films such as Bugsy and Casino represent a social fascination with the parameters of fortune, risk, and 'capital gaming,' so I cooked up this comic book stylized short-story about a 'patriotic Vegas defense initiative.'

The Taliban attacked the World Trade Center. Could ISIS be targeting money-amusement areas such as Las Vegas?


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Snake-Eyes was given a special mission by his commander Duke to investigate an ISIS terrorist plot in Las Vegas, Nevada on Halloween weekend on behalf of the G.I. Joes. Duke had reason to suspect that the rival group of the G.I. Joes, Cobra, made a pact with ISIS to infiltrate the Vegas computing networks with a deceptive scrambling-virus and then loot and bomb several major casinos. Snake-Eyes realized the purpose of his mission was to secure Vegas as a safe gaming city for travellers/tourists and patrons. His secondary objective was to determine the sanity of gambling areas/cities (i.e., Vegas, Atlantic City).

When Snake-Eyes arrived in Vegas, he decided to wear a bandage head-mask and sunglasses, so he'd look like someone who just got out of plastic surgery. One Vegas casino attendant joked to Snake-Eyes (who was using the alias John Salmon) that he looked like 'the Invisible Man'! Snake-Eyes took a standard room at the hotel of the Trump Taj Mahal casino (owned and operated by Donald Trump). He ordered room-service (a croissant sandwich with tuna salad).

When the room-service attendant arrived, Snake-Eyes was shocked to discover the attendant was actually the villainous terrorist Cobra Commander (cloaked in a plastic-surgery head-mask himself!) who broke into Snake-Eyes' room for a hand-to-hand knife combat. Snake-Eyes was able to disarm him, wrestle him to the ground, and tie him up. He put a gag in his mouth and locked him in the room closet and headed towards the casino gaming area to search for his ISIS allies (most likely already at work!).

When Snake-Eyes got to the gaming area, he noticed normal crowds but also spotted two mysterious-looking individuals who were in sunglasses and wearing black sweaters. These two individuals seemed to be carrying something in their coat flap (and Snake-Eyes conjectured one was carrying a machine-gun while the other a detonator to a planted bomb). Snake-Eyes guessed correctly which one was carrying the detonator and grabbed him by the head and whispered to him to quietly let him take him to a coat-room while holding a knife to his back.

Snake-Eyes took the detonator from the ISIS ghoul and knocked him out and headed back to the gaming area. When the other ISIS ghoul pulled out his machine-gun and yelled, "No one move. My partner is carrying a detonator to a planted bomb! We just want your money!" When the ISIS ghoul was realizing his partner was missing, Snake-Eyes seized the opportunity and pounced on him and let the casino security personnel haul him away for the FBI and CIA to deal with in their own manner.

When Snake-Eyes reported the events back to Duke and handed Cobra Commander over to him for questioning, Duke congratulated Snake-Eyes on a job well done. Then, Duke and his field-commander subordinate Flint (and Flint's female military liaison Lady Jaye) decided to send letters to Washington, D.C. about the value of gaming/casino centers in the USA and the urgency to protect all nodes of commerce and tourism in this age of anti-capitalism terrorism (i.e., 9/11). Duke said to himself, "America was founded on a fortune cookie!"

Duke issued the following public statement:

"While it is a great honor for G.I. Joe to protect Las Vegas casinos from the anarchistic wrath of Cobra, we still feel obligated to mention that the reason terrorist factions attack fortune-beacons such as the World Trade Center and Trump Taj Mahal is because they symbolize capital calculation. We should therefore be reminded of the general importance of tempering 'capital-games' with moral caution. Perhaps the state-lotteries across America are a 'wiser' venture than gambling-monuments!"

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G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero

 

[Abishai100]

The Forest


Why is it that forest stories in recent times represent a civilization focus on modernization reactionary 'ghost stories'?

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In the forests of the Pine Barrens in New Jersey (USA) lurked two camping 'ghouls' --- the eerie Jersey Devil and the horrifying chainsaw-wielding Leatherface. Assigned to investigate the dominion of these 'creatures' was Snake-Eyes, first-commander to Supreme Leader Duke of the valiant G.I. Joes, patriotic sub-military defenders of American values. Duke and the Joes had dispelled Cobra but were now challenged by the comfort-zone news coming from the Pine Barrens. Some G.I. Joes joked around about Friday the 13th Crystal Lake / Jason Voorhees chatter but Duke reminded them that folk mysticism should be honored as pedestrian activity if not social tradition.

In the end, Snake-Eyes hunted down and tied up and delivered Leatherface to New Jersey State Authorities. However, he never was able to catch the elusive and somewhat 'craftier' Jersey Devil. Snake-Eyes was called a hero in the press and the daughter of a Danish monarch was to wed him, and everything was going great for Snake-Eyes until he heard news of Leatherface 'copycats' running around the Pine Barrens and decided to find the unbridled Jersey Devil and turn it on them! His plan worked, and Snake-Eyes emerged the true bearer of the experience lesson-learned.

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[Abishai100]

Water-Chest

Here's a fortune-omen story about Snake-Eyes wandering off on his own to search for the immortality-hyped Fountain of Youth.

Is there something intrinsically 'American' about treasure hunts? Are Americans pirates or storytellers?


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Snake-Eyes was stationed in Florida one summer to oversee a G.I. Joe operation involving the stabilization of the U.S. Coast Guard, since Cobra was planning some kind of coastal invasion involving the South American cocaine traffic near the harbours of Miami. Hollywood movie people were in Miami making a film about the Fountain of Youth and how it was hypothesized to exist somewhere in Florida. The film was being directed by Steven Spielberg and starred Guy Pearce and Robert De Niro. Snake-Eyes became a big fan of Guy Pearce and Robert De Niro after watching the period-pieces The Count of Monte Cristo and Great Expectations. Guy Pearce insisted on interviewing Snake-Eyes:

PEARCE: Do you think the Fountain of Youth is a vain quest.
SNAKE-EYES: You could get into trouble asking paramilitary soldiers (i.e., G.I. Joes) about 'covert mysticism.'
PEARCE: Sure, but one has to feel curious about a soldier's view on the 'hunt for immortality.'
SNAKE-EYES: Any soldier would daydream about being 'bulletproof.'
PEARCE: Would you go searching for the Fountain of Youth?
SNAKE-EYES: Are you asking me?
PEARCE: I'd feel much better if a patriot went looking rather than a fortune-hunting pirate.
SNAKE-EYES: You might be correct.
PEARCE: Here's a Leon map I found at an artisan's shop-stand (I thought it was rather interesting).
SNAKE-EYES: It looks somehow authentic, thought it could be just a gypsy's creative memento.
PEARCE: Only one way to find out!
SNAKE-EYES: Alright, Mr. Pearce. You make your film with Mr. De Niro, and I'll go looking for this 'Fountain.'
PEARCE: Good luck, Snake-Eyes!
SNAKE-EYES: Thanks.

Snake-Eyes decided to see if the myths surrounding this immortality-affording Fountain of Youth was real or a pure fabrication regarding 'optimistic folklore.' "Sure, if I was snooping around an unexplored and untamed continent, I'd want to think this Fountain of Youth was in Florida!" Snake-Eyes joked. He decided to go deep into the swamps of Florida, convinced the fabled Fountain of Youth would be some kind of magical firefly-illuminated pond hidden there. Sure enough, he stumbled upon an eerie-looking pond surrounded by glowing fireflies deep in the Florida swamps. Snake-Eyes also realized the pond was being guarded by evil-looking demonic semi-large fairy-type creatures carrying bows-and-arrows! Snake-Eyes wondered if the Fountain of Youth was something people should be curious about or if it was a beacon of 'fortune allure.'

Snake-Eyes pulled out his machine-gun and started firing at the guardian fairies. He also threw some Chinese-stars. Snake-Eyes killed about 10 demonic fairy guardsmen before being able to scoop up some of the water from the glowing pond and put it into his thermos. He then hurried back to his home-base in Tallahassee. He phoned back to Duke at the G.I. Joe headquarters in Virginia Beach. He told Duke he procured a sample of the fabled Fountain of Youth after securing U.S. Coast Guard operations during the high-profile filming of the Pearce/De Niro film which was drawing maddening crowds to Florida. Duke congratulated Snake-Eyes and explained how the media hysteria would have given Cobra an ample cover to conduct drug-smuggling activities designed to undermine the Coast Guard and establish some kind of coastal invasion plot. However, Duke thought Snake-Eyes comment that he procured a sample from the immortality-affording Fountain of Youth was simply idealistic fortune-hunting! Snake-Eyes called Guy Pearce and told him, "I got a sample from a mysterious glowing pond, but no one believes me. Here's to wishful treasure hunts!"

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