How About a Joke Thread ?

[Ringo]

Aviation unit.
In the officers' club, a family psychologist gives a lecture on “Harmony of family relations”.
In the course of the lecture he tells that sailors cheat the most, followed by pilots.
One officer says:
- That's not true. I, for example, do not cheat on my wife.
Another turns to him:
- It's because of people like you that we're in second place.

 

[Auld Phart]

 

[Auld Phart]

Gotta love the Marx Brothers.

"Fiorello from A Night at the Opera, so now I tell you how we fly to America. The first time we started we got-a half way there when we run out a gasoline, and we gotta go back. Then I take-a twice as much gasoline. This time we're just about to land, maybe three feet, when what do you think: we run out of gasoline again. And-a back-a we go again to get-a more gas. This time I take-a plenty gas. Well, we get-a half way over, when what do you think happens: we forgot-a the airplane. So, we gotta sit down and we talk it over. Then I get-a the great idea. We no take-a gasoline, we no take-a the airplane. We take steamship, and that, friends, is how we fly across the ocean."

 

[Ringo]

An old anecdote. I heard it in a version that took place in the 1960s in Vietnam.

A platoon of U.S. Marines advancing along a road in Feluja encounter an unconscious, badly wounded terrorist and on the opposite side of the road they see an American infantryman in a similar, but less serious condition. The American was conscious and while the medics treated both, the platoon leader asked the wounded American what happened.
"I was patrolling along the road and saw an armed enemy, Seeing each other we both rushed into the ditches on both sides of the road.
I yelled at him that Saddam was a pathetic, lowlife scumbag, who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Edward Kennedy was a fat, liberal drunk, who also couldn't drive a car.
Then I said that Osama bin Laden dresses and acts like an angry lesbian! And he said, "Yeah? So does Hillary Clinton!"
And here we are, standing in the middle of the road shaking hands, when some nasty truck hits us both!"

 

[Ringo]

Charming girl looking for an elegant life partner. The girl's height is small - 150cm. Her weight is even less - 130 kg.

 

[Captain Caveman]

Three boys in the playground each trying to brag how fast their dads are.

Fist lad says, "My dad is faster than a lion"

Second lad laughs and says, "Well, my dad is faster than a cheetah"

Third lad laughs and says, "That's nothing, my dad works for the council"

The other two looked confused and before they can say anything, the third lad says, "He finishes at 5 but he's home by 2:30"

 

[Captain Caveman]

What's 6 inches and disturbing?



The gap between the eyes on a down syndrome kid.

 

[Ringo]

Three boys in the playground each trying to brag how fast their dads are.

At a reception at the American Embassy in USSR, the U.S. Ambassador boasted that they had a sorcerer in the state of Alabama who raised the dead.
Molotov, who was present at the reception, nonchalantly noted that in the USSR there was a remarkable athlete who could outrun an airplane by running.
Khrushchev, having heard about this fact, called Molotov to him.

Why are you flapping your tongue? What if they demand to show the miracle athlete?
We'll first demand that they show their necromancer.
And if they do?
We'll demand a check, let him bring up Stalin, for example.
What if he does?
Then, Nikita, you'll outrun a rocket, not just an airplane!

 

[Votto]

 

[Votto]

My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"

 

[Plagerist]

I have one.

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[Auld Phart]

 

[Ringo]

An interviewer once asked Pele: "Do you think the Brazilian national team of 1970 could beat today's Argentina?".
Pele: "Yes."
Interviewer: "With what score?"
Pele: "1-0."
Interviewer: "That's it?"
Pele: "Well, most of us are over 75 years old now."

Tell a woman a hundred times that she's beautiful, she'll forget. Tell a woman once that she's fat and she'll remember for life.
Elephants have a very good memory.

 

[Blaster]

Ward was a little hard on the Beaver.

 

[Ringo]

I'm so old, I lived in the days when nose, tongue and navel piercings were only fashionable in Africa.

 

[Captain Caveman]

11% of Americans are afraid of the dark.

Especially when the dark is behind them at the ATM.

(Credit to Colin Just and Michael Che)

 

[whoisit]

A man in the street said, " I'm so hungry, I haven't had a bite in a week, so I bit him.

 

[Auld Phart]

 

[Dr.Destructo]

When cops chase cops...............

 

[Mr Natural]

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?




“You gonna eat that?”