A Texan is driving his Cadillac over 100 miles an hour.

[Mikeoxenormous]

A Texan is driving his Cadillac Coup Deville (you know with the big longhorn hood ornament on it) on interstate 10 doing over 70 miles per hour.
As he looks in his rear view mirror, he sees a Texas State highway patrol car with lights on, catching up to him.
So, the Texan floors the pedal to the metal.
The Texan increases his speed to 80 mph. The TSHP is still behind him.
The Texan increases to 90 mph. TSHP still follows.
The Texan increases to 100 mph and the car starts to shake, rattle and roll. The TSHP is right on his bumper.
Finally the Texan pulls over, sweat on his brow, as the State Patol office gets out of his car, walks up to his driver's side window and asks "You better have a damn good reason to be driving that fast or your ass is going to jail for a long time".

The Texan responds "My wife, who i have been married to for over 30 years, ran away with a Texas highway patrol officer, and i thought you were trying to return her to me". The officer said "move along sir"...

 

[Rambunctious]

 

[Winco]

This joke is 80 years old.

 

[hjmick]

Do you have anything older? And funny?

 

[Oddball]

I been trying to lose my excess 200 lbs, but my wife contested the divorce.

 

[Mikeoxenormous]

Do you have anything older? And funny?

Question is, do you?

 

[Mikeoxenormous]

I been trying to lose my excess 200 lbs, but my wife contested the divorce.

200lbs, that would mean my wife had a breast removed.

 

[hjmick]

Question is, do you?

Cop: I pulled you over for doing 68 in a 55...

Driver: 68? Dang... can you make that number a little cooler so I can hear the judge read it out loud?

Cop: Sure, whatever...

Later, in traffic court...

Judge: How were you going 420 in a 55?

 

[Mikeoxenormous]

Do you have anything older? And funny?

Okay here is an older joke.

A granny over 90 years old, her husband that she was married to for over 70 years finally passed on. The granny was not only distraught but lonely as hell. So she called up the suicide hotline and asked what would be the quickest way to commit suicide, now that she no longer wanted to live. The hotline response team member responded that if she took a gun and shot herself in the heart, it would be quick and painless. So the granny asked how she was supposed to do this, in which the reply was "Fire the gun under the left breast and that will surely hit you in the heart". Soon after there is a call into the 9-11 operator, and the operator asks" 9-11 what is the emergency, and the 90 year old granny says, "i shot myself in the left knee and i need an ambulance please".