Delta4Embassy
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- Dec 12, 2013
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How Jihadis Decide Who Becomes the Suicide Bomber VICE United States
The world of jihadis is fraught with ethical dilemmas and complex questions. This is particularly evident in operational matters, but there has so far been very little coverage of the intricate methods that jihadis employ. Choosing who gets to be a suicide bomber is a particularly thorny issue that has been completely unexplored. Until now. In an unprecedented coup, we gained access to a meeting that illustrated the complicated procedure involved. The transcript of this fascinating encounter is below.
Jihadi Commander: I have called you all in today so we can decide who gets to be the suicide bomber in the operation tomorrow. Any volunteers?
[Silence.]
Typical. Where is your zeal? Do we have to go through this every time? Why canāt one of you volunteer?
Jihadi Recruit 1: Why donāt you volunteer?
Commander: Iām the commander! Someone needs to be in charge.
Jihadi Recruit 2: Who died and made you boss?
Commander: Abu Omar! You know that. He said I should be the boss before he went to do his suicide operation.
Recruit 1: See, he didnāt mind even though he was the commander.
Commander: Itās different.
Recruit 1: Howās that different?
Commander: You donāt understand these things. Now we need to decide quickly. The blessed one needs to get measured for the suicide vest. We donāt have these in all sizes.
Jihadi Recruit 3: Why donāt we pick names out of a hat?
Commander: Thatās gambling, you idiot! Weāre not allowed to gamble.
Recruit 3: Iām sure Allah would understand this one time.
Commander: You canāt even write your name, and you want to become a theologian? Weāre not doing that!
Recruit 1: How about eeny, meeny, miney, moe?
Recruit 2: What are you, six? We are al Qaeda! We canāt play eeny, meeny, miney, moe.
Recruit1: Letās do it by alphabetical order.
Recruit 2: Now wouldnāt that be convenient? Your name is Ziad, and my name is Amjad.
Recruit 1: It is written.
Recruit 2: Donāt go all Sufi on me. Your real name is Andrew, anyway; you chose the name Ziad. Converts.
Recruit 1: Whatās that?
Recruit 2: Nothing.
Commander: Shut up, both of you. The infidels are laughing at us. Look at them sniggering in the corner. This was supposed to be a professional PR exercise; youāre ruining the whole thing.
VICE: No, no, we werenātā¦
Recruit: Letās just kill themāthatās easier.
When did this become about us?
Commander: Weāre not killing them. Why donāt you go? You donāt want to serve Allah? There are beautiful maidens waiting for you in heaven.
Recruit 2: I want to, but there are a few things I want to do before.
Commander: Like what?
Recruit 2: Iāve never been skiing.
Commander: Weāre in the middle of the desert!
Recruit 2: I donāt have to do it here. I could go to Europe one day.
Commander: Youāre making long-term plans? Maybe you donāt understand what being a jihadi is.
Recruit 2: I do! I just want to go skiing before I die. Canāt a mujahid live out his dream?
Recruit 3: Actually, I saw this thing on TV onceāthey were skiing on the sand in Dubai.
Commander: That wouldnāt work.
Recruit 3: It totally did! It looked really, really fun.
Recruit 1: Maybe we should try it. Then he can go.
Recruit 2: No, I want to do it on snow, like the real thing.
Recruit 1: Letās try it anyway. It sounds like fun.
Commander: Weāre not trying anything! We need to prepare for the operation!
Recruit 1: Relaxing is important for morale. You should employ some modern-management theory.
Commander: Iām old-school. How about a religious knowledge quiz?
Recruit 2: Iām not so into that.
Commander: Youāre in al Qaeda!
Recruit 2: Iām more into practice than theory. Iām a hands-on guy.
Commander: I am going to decide who goes then. This is not a democracy.
Recruit 1: I think you are a wise man, you should choose.
Commander: I know what you are doing.
Recruit 3: Letās play a video game and the loser goes.
Commander: Weāre not playing games! Who are you? American teenagers? How did I end up with you lot? Iām going to decide.
Recruit 2: Wait, how about we send Ahmad?
Commander: Where is Ahmad?
Recruit 2: He went to the market to buy beard cream. You know he snores so loudly and keeps us all awake? Two birds with one stone. Give him the gift of martyrdom, and let us all get some decent sleep. We need it; we have important work.
Commander: I have made my decision. We are sending Ahmad.
Recruit 1: Now, whoās going to tell him the news?
Commander: Any volunteers?
The world of jihadis is fraught with ethical dilemmas and complex questions. This is particularly evident in operational matters, but there has so far been very little coverage of the intricate methods that jihadis employ. Choosing who gets to be a suicide bomber is a particularly thorny issue that has been completely unexplored. Until now. In an unprecedented coup, we gained access to a meeting that illustrated the complicated procedure involved. The transcript of this fascinating encounter is below.
Jihadi Commander: I have called you all in today so we can decide who gets to be the suicide bomber in the operation tomorrow. Any volunteers?
[Silence.]
Typical. Where is your zeal? Do we have to go through this every time? Why canāt one of you volunteer?
Jihadi Recruit 1: Why donāt you volunteer?
Commander: Iām the commander! Someone needs to be in charge.
Jihadi Recruit 2: Who died and made you boss?
Commander: Abu Omar! You know that. He said I should be the boss before he went to do his suicide operation.
Recruit 1: See, he didnāt mind even though he was the commander.
Commander: Itās different.
Recruit 1: Howās that different?
Commander: You donāt understand these things. Now we need to decide quickly. The blessed one needs to get measured for the suicide vest. We donāt have these in all sizes.
Jihadi Recruit 3: Why donāt we pick names out of a hat?
Commander: Thatās gambling, you idiot! Weāre not allowed to gamble.
Recruit 3: Iām sure Allah would understand this one time.
Commander: You canāt even write your name, and you want to become a theologian? Weāre not doing that!
Recruit 1: How about eeny, meeny, miney, moe?
Recruit 2: What are you, six? We are al Qaeda! We canāt play eeny, meeny, miney, moe.
Recruit1: Letās do it by alphabetical order.
Recruit 2: Now wouldnāt that be convenient? Your name is Ziad, and my name is Amjad.
Recruit 1: It is written.
Recruit 2: Donāt go all Sufi on me. Your real name is Andrew, anyway; you chose the name Ziad. Converts.
Recruit 1: Whatās that?
Recruit 2: Nothing.
Commander: Shut up, both of you. The infidels are laughing at us. Look at them sniggering in the corner. This was supposed to be a professional PR exercise; youāre ruining the whole thing.
VICE: No, no, we werenātā¦
Recruit: Letās just kill themāthatās easier.
When did this become about us?
Commander: Weāre not killing them. Why donāt you go? You donāt want to serve Allah? There are beautiful maidens waiting for you in heaven.
Recruit 2: I want to, but there are a few things I want to do before.
Commander: Like what?
Recruit 2: Iāve never been skiing.
Commander: Weāre in the middle of the desert!
Recruit 2: I donāt have to do it here. I could go to Europe one day.
Commander: Youāre making long-term plans? Maybe you donāt understand what being a jihadi is.
Recruit 2: I do! I just want to go skiing before I die. Canāt a mujahid live out his dream?
Recruit 3: Actually, I saw this thing on TV onceāthey were skiing on the sand in Dubai.
Commander: That wouldnāt work.
Recruit 3: It totally did! It looked really, really fun.
Recruit 1: Maybe we should try it. Then he can go.
Recruit 2: No, I want to do it on snow, like the real thing.
Recruit 1: Letās try it anyway. It sounds like fun.
Commander: Weāre not trying anything! We need to prepare for the operation!
Recruit 1: Relaxing is important for morale. You should employ some modern-management theory.
Commander: Iām old-school. How about a religious knowledge quiz?
Recruit 2: Iām not so into that.
Commander: Youāre in al Qaeda!
Recruit 2: Iām more into practice than theory. Iām a hands-on guy.
Commander: I am going to decide who goes then. This is not a democracy.
Recruit 1: I think you are a wise man, you should choose.
Commander: I know what you are doing.
Recruit 3: Letās play a video game and the loser goes.
Commander: Weāre not playing games! Who are you? American teenagers? How did I end up with you lot? Iām going to decide.
Recruit 2: Wait, how about we send Ahmad?
Commander: Where is Ahmad?
Recruit 2: He went to the market to buy beard cream. You know he snores so loudly and keeps us all awake? Two birds with one stone. Give him the gift of martyrdom, and let us all get some decent sleep. We need it; we have important work.
Commander: I have made my decision. We are sending Ahmad.
Recruit 1: Now, whoās going to tell him the news?
Commander: Any volunteers?