WASHINGTON (AP) – With the release of the full Mueller report indicating that there was no collusion or criminal behavior on the part of President Trump, Congressional Democrats have announced that they will now focus their resources on other, less ridiculous conspiracy theories, such as whether the Earth is flat.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi fully embraced the shift in focus, sounding anxious to move on.
“OK, maybe we’ve been a little overzealous the last couple years,” admitted Pelosi. “Outside of a little Russian dressing on a salad and Trump’s unkempt hair looking like a blond ushanka, I guess we always knew the evidence for a Russian connection was kinda thin. But you know what’s NOT thin? The evidence for the Earth being flat! Look out your window. Does the horizon curve down at the edges? Nope! Straight line! Let’s see you redact THAT, Bob Barr!”
Democrat Congressman Adam Schiff enthusiastically turned his sails to the fresh wind now sweeping through Washington.
“We spent a lot of time and money,” said Schiff, “trying to prove that that smug little orange troll in the White House was conspiring with America’s sworn enemy, Russia, with whom I’m pretty sure we’re fighting a war in Europe or Japan or one of those continents. India? I don’t know. Doesn’t matter. But you know what DOES matter? Now we can go after the REAL money. The money that goes into NASA’s budget for them to make fake “space station” videos. See, the thing is, we’ve seen Ron Howard’s “Apollo 13″, whose very existence proves that space videos can be faked. And for a lot cheaper than going to the actual moon, which is just painted on the sky, anyway. So the question is, what’s NASA doing with all the money they’re not spending on space missions? Show me the money! Then give it to me! So I give it to people who vote for me!”
Rock-star House freshman Democrat Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was quick to lock her eyes on the new prize, as well.
“So the Mueller report didn’t pan out,” shrugged AOC. “Win some, lose some, que sera sera. But you know what we’re NOT going to lose? The fight against climate change! And you know why? Because if flat Earth theory is true – and I’m not aware of any settled science to indicate otherwise – then “Antarctica” is actually a 150-foot high ice wall that surrounds the edge of our pancake planet and keeps the oceans from draining off into the Great Nothing beneath us. Know what would happen if the oceans drained off? Sea levels would go down, people would stop believing in climate change, and that would leave Democrats with no power, no money, and no cute little videos full-to-inexplicable-overflowing with people wearing hard hats and safety vests. Ugh! I’d rather wear sub-$600 shoes!”
President Trump’s tweeted response seemed unperturbed.
“The Earth is round, Elvis is dead, and the Pixar Universe Theory is all just coincidence. Chupacabra’s real though. He’s at an ICE detention facility in San Diego, about to get deported to Tijuana. Undocumented!”
Democrats: Now That We’re Finished With the Mueller Probe, We Can Finally Tackle the Flat Earth Issue
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi fully embraced the shift in focus, sounding anxious to move on.
“OK, maybe we’ve been a little overzealous the last couple years,” admitted Pelosi. “Outside of a little Russian dressing on a salad and Trump’s unkempt hair looking like a blond ushanka, I guess we always knew the evidence for a Russian connection was kinda thin. But you know what’s NOT thin? The evidence for the Earth being flat! Look out your window. Does the horizon curve down at the edges? Nope! Straight line! Let’s see you redact THAT, Bob Barr!”
Democrat Congressman Adam Schiff enthusiastically turned his sails to the fresh wind now sweeping through Washington.
“We spent a lot of time and money,” said Schiff, “trying to prove that that smug little orange troll in the White House was conspiring with America’s sworn enemy, Russia, with whom I’m pretty sure we’re fighting a war in Europe or Japan or one of those continents. India? I don’t know. Doesn’t matter. But you know what DOES matter? Now we can go after the REAL money. The money that goes into NASA’s budget for them to make fake “space station” videos. See, the thing is, we’ve seen Ron Howard’s “Apollo 13″, whose very existence proves that space videos can be faked. And for a lot cheaper than going to the actual moon, which is just painted on the sky, anyway. So the question is, what’s NASA doing with all the money they’re not spending on space missions? Show me the money! Then give it to me! So I give it to people who vote for me!”
Rock-star House freshman Democrat Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was quick to lock her eyes on the new prize, as well.
“So the Mueller report didn’t pan out,” shrugged AOC. “Win some, lose some, que sera sera. But you know what we’re NOT going to lose? The fight against climate change! And you know why? Because if flat Earth theory is true – and I’m not aware of any settled science to indicate otherwise – then “Antarctica” is actually a 150-foot high ice wall that surrounds the edge of our pancake planet and keeps the oceans from draining off into the Great Nothing beneath us. Know what would happen if the oceans drained off? Sea levels would go down, people would stop believing in climate change, and that would leave Democrats with no power, no money, and no cute little videos full-to-inexplicable-overflowing with people wearing hard hats and safety vests. Ugh! I’d rather wear sub-$600 shoes!”
President Trump’s tweeted response seemed unperturbed.
“The Earth is round, Elvis is dead, and the Pixar Universe Theory is all just coincidence. Chupacabra’s real though. He’s at an ICE detention facility in San Diego, about to get deported to Tijuana. Undocumented!”
Democrats: Now That We’re Finished With the Mueller Probe, We Can Finally Tackle the Flat Earth Issue
