emilynghiem
Constitutionalist / Universalist
What headlines do YOU predict will come out in 2017?
Here are my top 3 picks:
#1. Liberal scientists identify gene that proves only white people can be racist.
Researchers who gave up trying to prove global warming to idiot skeptics, or proving homosexuality is genetic, have made a bold discovery that will piss even more conservatives off.
Scholars at a major university (run by liberal fascists who prefer to remain synonymous),
have identified a gene found only in subjects of European-caucasian-bigot descent, responsible for reacting to skin color, hating on blacks, and listening to Rush Limbaugh.
Said one team member: "Reactions against white oppression in minorities do NOT come from the same source as in Europeans, who are born racist, but from areas of the brain that develop in response to white racism. Thus racial problems are solely the fault of Whites, proving everyone else is vindicated from blame."
Further research on the "white racist" genome shows that it is not present in other races,
but is located in place of the "unique genes"
* in Blacks that determine natural dancing ability
* in Asians that make them good at math
* in Native indigenous people that cause them talk to animals and plants (and even the earth, water and sky)
and in Mexicans that makes them born speaking Spanish
=============================================================
#2. Russia publicly admits interfering to influence American elections.
Facing impending mass worldwide exposure by Wikileaks, Wikipedia, the leftwing media, the made-up alt-right that doesn't really exist,
China, Trump and over 3 people across the country who voted for Jill Stein,
Russia has finally admitted to hiring instigators to sway the US elections.
The tactics Russia used included mass tweets offering voters a free Confederate flag for every vote for Trump.
And airdropping nude photos of Melania Trump over largely unpopulated rural counties to get the vote out.
Said Trump's campaign manager, caught colluding with Russia stealth pilots: "Our calculations showed we needed to target uneducated farmers and ignorant rednecks. This was our only defense against Clinton's campaign targeting poor Blacks, urban minorities, illegal immigrants, and dead voters with Democrat families."
Apparently nobody told the "ignorant rednecks and farmers" that Melania's nude photos were readily available online.
"We were banking on that. And apparently it worked.
We won! Get over it!"
=============================================
#3. Bill and Hillary Clinton related? Or the same person?
Newly uncovered birth records of the Clintons reveal that they were born to the same parents.
Thus, brother and sister. Which explains why their kid came out so funny looking. No wonder!
However, Conspiracy theorists have contested this Fake News as even Faker,
to cover up the fact that Bill and Hillary are actually the same person.
Websites that have sprung up across the internet, argue that all the news photos and video footage of the Clintons have been digitally altered. The two have never been seen at the same time by any living person not already "in bed" with conspirators, and that the "faked fake birth certificates" are to cover up a worse scandal.
Bill and Hillary Clinton offered to meet in person with anyone who wants proof they are two separate people.
"Sure, if you want to end up dead," said Alex Jones. "Like all the other people who ever met 'them' in person!"
Here are my top 3 picks:
#1. Liberal scientists identify gene that proves only white people can be racist.
Researchers who gave up trying to prove global warming to idiot skeptics, or proving homosexuality is genetic, have made a bold discovery that will piss even more conservatives off.
Scholars at a major university (run by liberal fascists who prefer to remain synonymous),
have identified a gene found only in subjects of European-caucasian-bigot descent, responsible for reacting to skin color, hating on blacks, and listening to Rush Limbaugh.
Said one team member: "Reactions against white oppression in minorities do NOT come from the same source as in Europeans, who are born racist, but from areas of the brain that develop in response to white racism. Thus racial problems are solely the fault of Whites, proving everyone else is vindicated from blame."
Further research on the "white racist" genome shows that it is not present in other races,
but is located in place of the "unique genes"
* in Blacks that determine natural dancing ability
* in Asians that make them good at math
* in Native indigenous people that cause them talk to animals and plants (and even the earth, water and sky)
and in Mexicans that makes them born speaking Spanish
=============================================================
#2. Russia publicly admits interfering to influence American elections.
Facing impending mass worldwide exposure by Wikileaks, Wikipedia, the leftwing media, the made-up alt-right that doesn't really exist,
China, Trump and over 3 people across the country who voted for Jill Stein,
Russia has finally admitted to hiring instigators to sway the US elections.
The tactics Russia used included mass tweets offering voters a free Confederate flag for every vote for Trump.
And airdropping nude photos of Melania Trump over largely unpopulated rural counties to get the vote out.
Said Trump's campaign manager, caught colluding with Russia stealth pilots: "Our calculations showed we needed to target uneducated farmers and ignorant rednecks. This was our only defense against Clinton's campaign targeting poor Blacks, urban minorities, illegal immigrants, and dead voters with Democrat families."
Apparently nobody told the "ignorant rednecks and farmers" that Melania's nude photos were readily available online.
"We were banking on that. And apparently it worked.
We won! Get over it!"
=============================================
#3. Bill and Hillary Clinton related? Or the same person?
Newly uncovered birth records of the Clintons reveal that they were born to the same parents.
Thus, brother and sister. Which explains why their kid came out so funny looking. No wonder!
However, Conspiracy theorists have contested this Fake News as even Faker,
to cover up the fact that Bill and Hillary are actually the same person.
Websites that have sprung up across the internet, argue that all the news photos and video footage of the Clintons have been digitally altered. The two have never been seen at the same time by any living person not already "in bed" with conspirators, and that the "faked fake birth certificates" are to cover up a worse scandal.
Bill and Hillary Clinton offered to meet in person with anyone who wants proof they are two separate people.
"Sure, if you want to end up dead," said Alex Jones. "Like all the other people who ever met 'them' in person!"
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