How About a Joke Thread ?

[App'z]

Well; Lil Johnny and his Girlfriend have decided to get married,
they's been going out for a few years.
Lil Johnny and his Gir really loved each other and wanted everything to be perfect... and
pretty much everything was, except that one thing had been bothering Lil Johnny.
Her sister was a babe and many times Lil Johnny visited, she would flirt with him,
bending over in front of him, things he couldn't acknowledge.
Well a couple of nights before the wedding,
she called Lil Johnny up and asked Lil Johnny over to her place to help her with some boxes.
She was moving out of her apartment.
When Lil Johnny arrived, he found her alone on the couch wearing decidedly little.
Well; Lil Johnny was shocked and she explained to him that she'd always wanted him and
that it was her final opportunity, as these were Lil Johnny's last few days as a bachelor.
Well; Lil Johnny, he didn't know what to do.
She told Lil Johnny she would go upstairs and wait and if Lil Johnny wanted to,
he could follow her, but if he didn't, he could just leave.
So; Lil Johnny thought for a moment, waited and then went outside only to find her dad almost in tears
with joy saying he knew now that Lil Johnny was really the right man and
that Lil Johnny had his blessing to marry his daughter.
This was a test to see just how loyal he, Lil Johnny was!
and the Moral of the story:
always leave your condoms in the car.

 

[App'z]

A state trooper pulls over a Lil Johnny and in the redneck pickup truck on I-65.
He says to Lil Johnny, the driver, “Got any ID?”
Well Lil Johnny, The driver(remembers his dad said,
never freely admit to guilt)
asks, “‘Bout what?”

 

[Feeding Crows]

Sorry dude, don't quit your day job.

 

[App'z]

Dear Lil Johnny,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right.
As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and
dozens of well-qualified candidates unlike yourself may have failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, try to keep your name on file should an emergency opening need be available.
But, So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors,
please allow me to offer the following reason(s)that
you were disqualified from the competition:
Ll Johnny Your breasts are bigger than mine.
Lil Johnny Your last name is objectionable.
I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it,
or subjecting my future children to it.
Lil Johnny, The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at
McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
Lil Johnny, Your inadvertent admission that you 'buy condoms by the truckload'
indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
Lil Johnny, You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e.,
I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.
Lil Johnny, Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants,
then you can't GET into my pants !
Lil Johnny, Your 'Putting on a few lbs. aren't you babe?' comment,
given the 9 months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.
Lil Johnny, You failed the credit check.
Lil Johnny, I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
Lil Johnny, The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals
an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbearably obvious !
Lil Johnny, The phrase 'My Mother' has popped up far too often in conversation !
Lil Johnny, You still live with your parents, and
attending night classes to get your GED at 28 years old are an obvious slight negative !
Lil Johnny, You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine.
Lil Johnny, Your gift of a 2oz. Hershey Bar, with almonds , showed a Cheapo style.
Lil Johnny, Thes Three final words for you ! ........ Size does matter !
Sincerely, Your Lost Heart Throb ! .......... (twss)

 

[Captain Caveman]

A teacher asks a class how many of them were a Joe Biden fan.

All the kids except little Johnny raised their hand.

The teacher asked little Johnny why he had to be different.....again.

Little Johnny replies, "Because I'm not a Joe Biden fan".

The teacher asks why.

Little Johnny replies, "Because I'm a conservative".

The teacher asked him why he was conservative and he replied, "Well, my mom is a conservative and my dad is a conservative, so I am a conservative".

The teacher was rather annoyed and snorted back, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?".

Little Johnny replied, "A Joe Biden fan".

 

[the other mike]

Roses are red violets are blue
I'm a schizophrenic
and so am I.
( Bill Murray in What About Bob)

 

[Hossfly]

One day when Lil Johnny was 12. he took Lil Jane, also 12 to the movie. Unaware that girls entered puberty sooner than boys he was taken aback when she put a hand on his leg and left it there. After a while he put his hand on her leg. As they were walking home she asked, "Do you want to do something together?" He told her, "Let's wait till we get to your yard." When they got to the gate Lil Jane said,"Where do you want to do it?" and Lil Johnny asked her "How about the porch swing?" When they got in the porch swing, Lil Jane said "Do you want to do something dirty?" Lil Johnny said, "OK, lets shit on the porch." Lil Johnny never could understand why she slapped him and ran into the house.

 

[App'z]

The Scout Master is teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
He asks, "What are the three most important things
you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert ?"
Several hands go up at once, and many important things are suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then Lil Johnny, in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Lil Johnny, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked his Scout Master.
So Lil Johnny replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Lil Johnny ?"
"Well," answers Lil Johnny,
"the compass is to find the right direction,
the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked his Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire,
someone is bound to come up behind you and say,
"Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

 

[App'z]

 

[App'z]

Wait; think about it for a moment. Lil Johnny; I didn't cause it !

 

[App'z]

"There Lil Johnny think !"

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

I have yet to find any Martin Luther King Jr candy.

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

 

[App'z]

The angel at the gate asks the first man,
"how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"10 times" the man answers.
The angel gives him the keys to a 2016 Toyota Camry
and says to him, "this is how you will drive around heaven".
The second man says he cheated on his wife 5 times,
the angel gives him a 2022 Lexus and let's him in.
The third mans name is lil Johnny and says, "I never cheated on his wife,
So, Lil Johnny, he gets a 2022 Rolls Royce.
A few days later the 3 men meet up at a heavenly Bar type place and
Lil Johnny appears to be very sad while still sitting in his Rolls Royce is very sad,
So the Other two men get him inside and are sitting around the bar with a Hot chick bartender and
She is so hot that they get off attracted for a few beers !
Well those two guys after a Six pack of Brews get around to asking Lil Johnny
what's the hell wrong wid him,
So Lil Johnny, he replies "I just saw my wife riding around on a scooter.

 

[Likkmee]

Guy driving down the road at 70 mph and gets passed by a chicken ! He cathes up to it and loooooked ?
3 damn legs on it !
Follows it into the farm and ask the owner " Man,driving down the road and "think" I saw a chicken with three legs ? WTF ?
Farmer says "yessiree. gots 3 boys and they all want the leg so I bred some up to have them when I kill one"
Guy says" Wild ! Does it taste normal and good ?"
Farmer says. Fuck if I know, aint never been able to catch one !

 

[Feeding Crows]

I think Lil Johnny is going to get arrested some day... lol

 

[whoisit]

Red Skeletin joke,
Beggar walks up and said "I'm so hungry I haven't had a bite in a week", so I bit him.

 

[Captain Caveman]

I was chatting this liberal chick in a bar who told me that I should be more open to Muslim culture.

So I raped her