I hate my family....

[syrenn]

That is all.

 

[Rat in the Hat]

My family is dead to me now.

 

[syrenn]

My family is dead to me now.

(((hugs)))

 

[WelfareQueen]

Here ya go, Syrenn.

alright everyone....

go



http://www.usmessageboard.com/general-discussion/323538-i-hate-my-family.html#post8125306

Let it all out Syrenn. You've got some righteous anger. I refuse to be a doormat for anyone. As I reached adulthood, I had to learn to set boundaries with my family in a variety of different ways. I love you, but that doesn't mean you get to call the shots in my life. I don't play games, I don't bullshit, and I will not be controlled.

It took them a while, but they finally caught on. Life is so much better when there are good solid boundaries in place. I am convinced most human interaction is learning to successfully negotiate boundaries, and balancing getting your needs met versus the needs of others. If you get those things right 90-95% of the time, you will generally be happy and successful. At least, imho.

It sounds like you've had to set some firm boundaries. They will fight you at first. Too fucking bad. It is for your sanity and peace of mind. Fences help make good neighbors.

 

[WelfareQueen]

Sorry for your situation, rat. Some families can be toxic. It is hard sometimes to know what can be salvaged and what cannot.

It can happen where one family member really grows and progresses in life, while the rest stay stuck in the same dysfunction. That's when things get toxic. I was lucky, in my family we all kinda of grew separately, but at lest most of us were going in the same direction. We all got healthier as we got older. Maybe the light bulb can go off for your family members.

 

[syrenn]

Sorry for your situation, rat. Some families can be toxic. It is hard sometimes to know what can be salvaged and what cannot.

It can happen where one family member really grows and progresses in life, while the rest stay stuck in the same dysfunction. That's when things get toxic. I was lucky, in my family we all kinda of grew separately, but at lest most of us were going in the same direction. We all got healthier as we got older. Maybe the light bulb can go off for your family members.

at some point.... you get tired of trying to salvage something.....


the SIL in NYC.... the relationship between her and Mr S has never been very good... to much childhood history....

but, when she had her son i wanted to TRY and fix the situation and so did Mr S..... here is one story....


we made ourselves available on OUR vacation to NYC.... to spend time with her, her husband and son. I was going to make french toast for breakfast... at the request of the son. I shipped everything i would need to make this breakfast knowing she was not much of a cook..and did not have much equipment... she did not like to cook. Pans, bowels, whisk, spatulas, spoons, ingredients.... you name it, it was a mobile kitchen to go....

so on the way up to the apartment, in the lobby.... all of the sunday papers are fanned out on the paper bench...... we pick up hers and head up the elevator.... knock on the door, she answers and says, "oh did you see him on the way down why didn't you give him the paper?"

or really... we went down?

yep... he heard us coming up the elevator....and booked down the stairs .... we knew it and so did she. Rude fucking bastard that he is....She said... "he went out to get coffee"....

so we wait.... im ready to make breakfast.... and we wait... and wait and wait.... 2 hours later he comes back. No coffee.... i look at mr S... he looks at me.... he says he will be right back, goes to starbucks and brings back coffee..... for everyone....

that year we gave her a coffee maker for Christmas.

 

[Lumpy 1]

Sorry for your situation, rat. Some families can be toxic. It is hard sometimes to know what can be salvaged and what cannot.

It can happen where one family member really grows and progresses in life, while the rest stay stuck in the same dysfunction. That's when things get toxic. I was lucky, in my family we all kinda of grew separately, but at lest most of us were going in the same direction. We all got healthier as we got older. Maybe the light bulb can go off for your family members.

at some point.... you get tired of trying to salvage something.....


the SIL in NYC.... the relationship between her and Mr S has never been very good... to much childhood history....

but, when she had her son i wanted to TRY and fix the situation and so did Mr S..... here is one story....


we made ourselves available on OUR vacation to NYC.... to spend time with her, her husband and son. I was going to make french toast for breakfast... at the request of the son. I shipped everything i would need to make this breakfast knowing she was not much of a cook..and did not have much equipment... she did not like to cook. Pans, bowels, whisk, spatulas, spoons, ingredients.... you name it, it was a mobile kitchen to go....

so on the way up to the apartment, in the lobby.... all of the sunday papers are fanned out on the paper bench...... we pick up hers and head up the elevator.... knock on the door, she answers and says, "oh did you see him on the way down why didn't you give him the paper?"

or really... we went down?

yep... he heard us coming up the elevator....and booked down the stairs .... we knew it and so did she. Rude fucking bastard that he is....She said... "he went out to get coffee"....

so we wait.... im ready to make breakfast.... and we wait... and wait and wait.... 2 hours later he comes back. No coffee.... i look at mr S... he looks at me.... he says he will be right back, goes to starbucks and brings back coffee..... for everyone....

that year we gave her a coffee maker for Christmas.

Doesn't really sound appetizing...

 

[WelfareQueen]

Sorry for your situation, rat. Some families can be toxic. It is hard sometimes to know what can be salvaged and what cannot.

It can happen where one family member really grows and progresses in life, while the rest stay stuck in the same dysfunction. That's when things get toxic. I was lucky, in my family we all kinda of grew separately, but at lest most of us were going in the same direction. We all got healthier as we got older. Maybe the light bulb can go off for your family members.

at some point.... you get tired of trying to salvage something.....


the SIL in NYC.... the relationship between her and Mr S has never been very good... to much childhood history....

but, when she had her son i wanted to TRY and fix the situation and so did Mr S..... here is one story....


we made ourselves available on OUR vacation to NYC.... to spend time with her, her husband and son. I was going to make french toast for breakfast... at the request of the son. I shipped everything i would need to make this breakfast knowing she was not much of a cook..and did not have much equipment... she did not like to cook. Pans, bowels, whisk, spatulas, spoons, ingredients.... you name it, it was a mobile kitchen to go....

so on the way up to the apartment, in the lobby.... all of the sunday papers are fanned out on the paper bench...... we pick up hers and head up the elevator.... knock on the door, she answers and says, "oh did you see him on the way down why didn't you give him the paper?"

or really... we went down?

yep... he heard us coming up the elevator....and booked down the stairs .... we knew it and so did she. Rude fucking bastard that he is....She said... "he went out to get coffee"....

so we wait.... im ready to make breakfast.... and we wait... and wait and wait.... 2 hours later he comes back. No coffee.... i look at mr S... he looks at me.... he says he will be right back, goes to starbucks and brings back coffee..... for everyone....

that year we gave her a coffee maker for Christmas.

Sounds like you and Mr S handled it very well. You both had every right to be pissed. As I have gotten older, I have very little time for that kind of bullshit. I am very too the point. If you don't like me, or have a problem with me, out with it. We can discuss and hopefully work it out. If you pull some passive-aggressive crap like what happened to you and Mr S, I tend to either confront it directly, or just disengage and not bother with the person anymore.

Life is too short for that kind of nonsense. Adults handle things directly...a child or an emotional cripple plays bullshit games. I no longer have much patience for games.

I applaud you for setting limits and not taking a lot of crap. You seem like you can be firm without being abusive. I think it's called being tactful. I still need to work on that.

 

[Dont Taz Me Bro]

Welcome to the club

 

[AyeCantSeeYou]

We don't get to choose blood relatives, but we do get to choose 'family' on our own. Family doesn't have to be related to you.

I don't really hate anyone in my family. Sure, some have made me mad before, but I let it all go and carry on with my life. They are who they are and there's nothing I can do to change them. The only person I can say I've ever truly hated is my ex.

 

[Wolfsister77]

The thing is, there is no requirement to be close to someone just because they are your family. There is no requirement to spend time with them all or any of them if it is toxic enough.

There are no hard and fast rules. Stick with those that make you happy and don't waste time worrying about those that don't.

 

[syrenn]

Welcome to the club

I don't think there is such a thing as the perfect family.....mainly becasue people are not perfect. We are not living in pleasantville.

I talked to people who's family i would love to have grown up with....and yet, many still say they hate how they were raised.

 

[WelfareQueen]

A lot of it you just have to let go. Not sweep under the rug...but just let it go.

 

[Lumpy 1]

Welcome to the club

I don't think there is such a thing as the perfect family.....mainly becasue people are not perfect. We are not living in pleasantville.

I talked to people who's family i would love to have grown up with....and yet, many still say they hate how they were raised.

Maybe not a perfect family but pretty near perfect for me..

 

[Noomi]

I don't hate my family but sometimes I feel like I am being ignored by my parents because my sister is getting married and she can do no wrong at the moment. Laziness for her is acceptable, we need to walk on broken glass around her because she's stressed.

That shits me, but I don't hate anyone. I just hate the way they act.

Sorry about your family troubles, Syrenn. Can't be good having difficulties like that.

 

[syrenn]

I don't hate my family but sometimes I feel like I am being ignored by my parents because my sister is getting married and she can do no wrong at the moment. Laziness for her is acceptable, we need to walk on broken glass around her because she's stressed.

That shits me, but I don't hate anyone. I just hate the way they act.

Sorry about your family troubles, Syrenn. Can't be good having difficulties like that.

ok....i dont get the whole bridezilla thing. I am sorry, no excuse is good enough for bad behavior.

we were havering a discussion in the tavern.....and this seemed like a good topic....considering my other thread....lol.

 

[Noomi]

I don't hate my family but sometimes I feel like I am being ignored by my parents because my sister is getting married and she can do no wrong at the moment. Laziness for her is acceptable, we need to walk on broken glass around her because she's stressed.

That shits me, but I don't hate anyone. I just hate the way they act.

Sorry about your family troubles, Syrenn. Can't be good having difficulties like that.

ok....i dont get the whole bridezilla thing. I am sorry, no excuse is good enough for bad behavior.

we were havering a discussion in the tavern.....and this seemed like a good topic....considering my other thread....lol.

You don't get the whole bridezilla thing? I didn't either, until Jess got herself engaged. Now I've decided that when I get married, it will definately be in a judge's office!

The only thing I get to look forward to is having the entire house to myself for 8 days next year as the family are in Hong Kong for the wedding. PARTAY!!!

 

[BlackSand]

I don't think there is such a thing as the perfect family.....mainly becasue people are not perfect. We are not living in pleasantville.

I talked to people who's family i would love to have grown up with....and yet, many still say they hate how they were raised.

What's left of my immediate family hates me.

Unlike most of the stories here … Our extended family lived far enough apart that when we got together for the holidays, we always managed to be able to make it through without anyone getting on the other people's nerves.
On the other hand … The immediate family was picture perfect … Except for me.

My parents were two of the best people you could ever know … The real kind of good … And both of their funerals were standing room only, where the preacher cried and asked … “What will we do without them”.
They taught my sister and me the importance of independence, responsibility, honor and a constant drive for excellence in everything we did.
They taught us that when we failed … It was okay, because failures happen … But to never let it stop us from pushing on.

This obviously generated a sense of competition between my sister and me … I was younger, and on the tail end of that stick.
She was a superstar … Athletics, academics, good looking, popular and a natural … While I had to work hard to excel on the sport's field or the classroom.
High school was particularly hard … And I gave up, was tired of fighting for everything and coming in last … I scraped by and was worried about wasting the money my parents had saved for college.
My sister had gotten a full scholarship for basketball and was getting a degree in Medical Engineering.

Tired of being introduced to people as my parent's child and my sister's sibling … I decided to go to the military … Somewhere I could go where no one knew me from Jesus Christ … And I could be whoever I wanted to be.
I won't bore anyone with the details of my service … But I learned a grew during that time to the point that people were shocked when I came back home.
I was only stationed stateside for training … And only went home twice (a week each time) during my six years of service … I might have called my parents every other month or so.

When I came back to go to college (GI Bill … earned my own way) … Things began to change between my sister and me.
She had branched out even further … Started her own business in computers … Married a Doctor, and was living the good life.
But at the same time … My father had been in the military and we had a bond she couldn't break into.
The things that were important to me … Were things she couldn't match with all the trinkets in the world … I was (and still am) hard core.

I made some smart moves business wise after college … Climbed the ladder fast and furious … She tried to compete, but kept stumbling over her desires.
It came to head the Christmas after I built a new house (it's a nice house) … And the extended family had dinner at my place for the first time.
It was my father's last Christmas with us … He was sick then … And he stood in my living room crying when he told me … “You finally made it baby … I always knew you could.”

It broke my sister's heart … She had always been the golden child, Daddy's favorite … And all of a sudden it wasn't fun for her anymore.

I don't know what to do … Now that Mom and Dad are both gone … And she hates my guts.
I love her just the same as I always have … And she is all I have left for family.
I mean I can spend the holidays with friends and stuff ... But it isn't the same.

.

 

[syrenn]

Have you ever tired to has it out? I mean...say to her what you just said here?

 

[WelfareQueen]

My sister has always been very competitive with me. She was always very outgoing and always craved being the center of attention. I never gave a shit. I kept to myself...did my own thing...and lived about 95% of my life away from my family...even as a kid. It was my way of keeping my independence and staying out of the family dysfunction. I ended up going to college and then worked my way through graduate school. I became the little shinning star...which I could have given a damn about.

My sister hated it. It drove her crazy. She sabotaged a few minor things at my wedding. Tried to embarrass me publicly a few times. I always found it sad and kind of pathetic. We really didn't talk much for years. We have gotten a little bit closer over the last 2-3 years, but I don't trust her anymore. I doubt I ever will. Her need for attention is so powerful, she can't understand someone like me who can disconnect when necessary and doesn't have to be in the spotlight.