GI Joe Sewer Mission: Urban AntiChrist (Luciferianism)

[Abishai100]

Does modern civilization cater to all kinds of anti-urbanization conspiracy-theory storytelling/folklore?

How has American storytelling changed since the days of Washington Irving?

Signing off,






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American paramilitary crusaders known as 'G.I. Joes' were appointed by the Trump Administration to explore the catacombs and sewers of Manhattan after it was discovered that there lay a secret old labyrinth, apparently built by the colonists and founding-fathers to transport goods and messengers during the War of 1812. The G.I. Joes were ordered to evaluate if there was anything dangerous in the sewers like weapons or criminals hiding there. Lady Jaye and Flint led the first expedition crew and ordered soldiers Snake-Eyes and Shipwreck (and Snake-Eyes' dog Cyclone) to look for anything unusual in the most remote regions/branches of the sewer-labyrinth.



After much searching, Shipwreck, Snake-Eyes, and Cyclone found nothing. Shipwreck's parrot Jamie kept squawking "Dead End" since they found nothing but miles and miles of tunnels. However, just wen they thought their search ended, Snake-Eyes spotted something --- or someone(!). It was a beautiful brunette mermaid(!) who claimed she was a genetic-experiment, bred by the U.S. government but had escaped and was hiding in these sewers. Shipwreck and Snake-Eyes were baffled, and Cyclone couldn't stop barking.

As expected, Snake-Eyes came prepared. He brought a voice-recorder and two audio tapes and began recording what the mermaid had to say about the secret U.S. government genetics-experiment. Apparently, the experiment was connected to a coup conspiracy meant to overthrow the U.S. President's control. The mermaid's name was Mara, and she was beautiful but also quite sad. Shipwreck conjectured Mara was a 'diplomat' of these sewers and asked her if she knew about anything unusual going on down there (besides the genetics conspiracy). Mara never aged and remained a vital 24 years-of-age. Snake-Eyes put the two interview-recorded tapes of Mara in his knapsack.



MARA: So you two (and your 'pets') were ordered to scour these sewers...
SHIPWRECK: Well, Snake-Eyes has your interview on tape now!
MARA: What're you going to tell people.
SHIPWRECK: "We found a mermaid who may reveal a new Watergate."
MARA: Very funny (haha); I hope you'll at least say there was something fishy.
SHIPWRECK: There sure was...you!
MARA: I'm no 'by-product' and I simply answered your inquisitive questions.
SHIPWRECK: Let me and Snake-Eyes transport you to the Atlantic.
MARA: So I can spend eternity swimming in a free and cleaner water-environment?
SHIPWRECK: Why not?
MARA: I've become accustomed to these sewers, Shipwreck...
SHIPWRECK: So...anything else going on down here, Mara?
MARA: Yes. There's a crime syndicate hiding biochemical weapons down here.
SHIPWRECK: Black Mask?
MARA: How'd you know?
SHIPWRECK: Snake-Eyes and I have been tracking Black Mask activities.
MARA: Yeah, well, they're just the sort to engage in biochemical terrorism.
SHIPWRECK: Great. So, we'll take you to the Atlantic!
MARA: Thanks. I guess G.I. Joe is an 'achievement' for the U.S. government.
SHIPWRECK: We're just civil servants.
MARA: Of the warrior-brand.



After Shipwreck and Snake-Eyes transported Mara to the Atlantic where she could live cleaner and freer, they returned to the Manhattan sewers to search for the biochemical weapons hidden by the Black Mask gang. They found the weapons after about two weeks of searching, but while transporting the weapons to G.I. Joe headquarters, they were intercepted by three 'diplomats' of Black Mask. The ghouls wore ties, trench-coats, black masks, and wielded magnums. Snake-Eyes demanded to know what Black Mask intended to do with the biochemical weapons, and the 'diplomat' reported that they were meant to create a coup against the 'capitalism-biased' Trump Administration.



Snake-Eyes and Shipwreck were back at G.I. Joe headquarters talking to Joe commander Duke (who doubled in his secret-identity as a Hollywood movie-actor).

SHIPWRECK: We've arrested Black Mask, Duke!
DUKE: Congrats, Shipwreck. Mission accomplished...
SHIPWRECK: The biochemical weapons are now safely in Joe-hands.
DUKE: We'll turn them over to the CIA.
SHIPWRECK: Great!
DUKE: Do you and Snake-Eyes need a vacation?
SHIPWRECK: Yeah, we figured we'd go swimming (maybe search for Mara).
DUKE: Oh, I see; give her a Joe-greeting and make friends.
SHIPWRECK: It'd be like we were kids again.
DUKE: Terrorism is scarring...
SHIPWRECK: Black Mask was like the AntiChrist.
DUKE: Yes, they were involved in 9/11 as well as a drug-cartel in Miami.
SHIPWRECK: I suppose they sought to ally with ISIS for this Trump-coup.
DUKE: You bet; and ISIS was allied with Cobra (the terrorist group in Turkey).
SHIPWRECK: Cobra's a well-branched organization, Duke...and it's getting larger.
DUKE: I suspect there're are U.S. government operatives now working for Cobra.
SHIPWRECK: With Black Mask out of the way, maybe ISIS will work more with Cobra.
DUKE: That's a good guess.
SHIPWRECK: Maybe what the city needs is the right brand of psychiatry...
DUKE: Maybe.
SHIPWRECK: Why does democracy have to be challenged by anti-social fascism?
DUKE: That's what we do not want to ask our kids.
SHIPWRECK: Snake-Eyes will be back from R&R in three months, so you can relax.
DUKE: We have plenty of G.I. Joes to cover ya while you're on vacation, so you relax.
SHIPWRECK: Will do, Duke.
DUKE: I fear President Trump needs to know about Cobra and Mara.
SHIPWRECK: There's nothing rotten in Denmark.
DUKE: No; it's all in the American sewers...
SHIPWRECK: I envision a great 'theosophical asylum' (for democracy-lawyers).
DUKE: I suspect Cobra is a Luciferian organization; and it's targeting Scientologists.
SHIPWRECK: No surprise there, Duke. Scientology has become 'American chic.'
DUKE: Terrorists do hate anything that's 'American chic.'

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[Abishai100]

Chapter 2: The Apocalypse



I was really happy with this yarn, so here's another chapter (my last one) about modern global doomsday-paranoia; it's inspired by World War Z. God bless America!




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"Americans had achieved the unthinkable. They had designed the ultimate super-computer, capable of even redirecting weather systems by controlling convection currents (wind!) with electric-charge. This super-computer was called Desmond and it was inspiring modern politicians to think about how intellect could ensure complete global dominance of democracy. However, this all seemed like veiled fascism to the super-terrorist organization Cobra. Cobra made plans to use Desmond to its own advantage..."



"After the sewer incident involving Black Mask, Snake-Eyes and Shipwreck continued to serve as G.I. Joes, and they monitored the developments of Cobra and how Cobra effectively became the ultimate terrorist group, surpassing the likes of the IRA, Hamas, Al Qaeda, and even ISIS. Cobra was led by a chemically-enhanced brutish tyrant named Serpentor who simply loved keeping snakes in the forest in the backyard of his hidden chateau. Serpentor was like the AntiChrist and practiced Luciferian beliefs."



"Joe commander Duke hired an MIT computer-engineering genius named Chip to serve as the official Joe hacker and Internet-monitor. Chip was able to reroute all kinds of server algorithms and command routes so that Desmond could not be hacked into, but he didn't count on Cobra devising multiple viruses which would just 'distract' Desmond (giving Cobra hackers enough time to drop in decoy-commands and alternate-route commands). Chip informed Duke that Desmond could at any time now be redirected to attack American computer networks. Duke wondered if the G.I. Joes should simply unplug Desmond, but President Trump wouldn't hear it."



"As expected, Snake-Eyes took the role of G.I. Joe 'ninja' once again, and he disguised himself as a rogue ISIS terrorist working on his own after Cobra dismantled ISIS and 'absorbed' it into its own power-structure. Snake-Eyes took the alias 'Ali' and began writing Internet blogs about the value of bottled water in the age of eco-pollution. When Cobra tried to use Desmond to infiltrate the EPA's computer-networks, Ali's bottled-water blogs went unnoticed, and Chip was able to redirect the EPA's computer-networks to fix onto Ali's eco-oriented blogs, so their main computer servers were not distracted by Cobra's decoy-commands literally fed into Desmond's line-of-sight. No one (including Cobra) suspected Ali's involvement, since he was simply an 'ISIS-fanatic' not worthy of Cobra's attention. Desmond was rescued..."



"Serpentor was furious and decided to strike at Hollywood --- the heart of American society and entertainment. He ordered Cobra ghouls to poison the water-reservoir in Hollywood, California, and when American celebrities Tom Hanks and Tom Cruise got sick after drinking water from Hollywood hotel water-fountains, the press was abuzz with the conspiracy-theory that Cobra was back. G.I. Joe hero Shipwreck (who was now married secretly to the mermaid Mara whom he visited while on vacation), decided to secure Hollywood by creating police perimeters around all drinking-fountains and hotels/restaurants. Tom Hanks commented, 'Thank goodness for the G.I. Joes who can help America should Cobra initiate World War III'!"



"Americans cared about style and consumerism, and sunglasses and designer shirts and jackets were popular among the business community. Terrorists hated the fact that capitalism was 'stylish' in America, and Snake-Eyes and Shipwreck wondered if Cobra would strike at the heart of American pizazz --- Times Square --- on New Year's Eve. G.I. Joe female agents Lady Jaye and Scarlett went on a separate mission promoting the intellectual and cultural value of UV-protective sunglasses in NYC in this modern age of global warming."



"As Cobra assimilated all terrorists of the world under its own giant 'umbrella,' Joe commander Duke considered the wisdom/practicality of trying to negotiate with Cobra's emperor Serpentor. However, Serpentor refused to negotiate and promised Duke that the White House would be destroyed unless the world bowed to Cobra's vision of a Communist New World Order. Duke wondered if American forces and the G.I. Joes should strike at key positions where Cobra held fortifications --- namely, Iran, Australia, North Korea, Cuba, and Zaire."



"American FBI agents were busy scouring the city streets looking for signs of Cobra agents infiltrating the homeland undercover to create rings or networks of terrorist activity. Cobra was surely planning terrorism acts which could be veiled as deeds performed by 'homegrown American terrorists' simply lashing out against mainstream society like the Unabomber. FBI agents were aware of such a scheme, so they decided to create agendas of city-wide interrogations. Would they succeed, or would Cobra be able to forge a World War III after all?"



"A deadly female Cobra war-vizier simply named the 'Baroness' wanted to avenge the loss of the biochemical weapons from the Manhattan sewers that Snake-Eyes and Shipwreck discovered. Baroness and Cobra were working with Black Mask when the G.I. Joes dismantled the criminal syndicate. Baroness wanted to drop flesh-corroding chemical toxins from Cobra jet-planes all over Washington, D.C. on Halloween to initiate World War III --- sparking the Apocalypse by striking at the heart of American pedestrian culture."



DUKE: Cobra has done it now...
SHIPWRECK: They've sparked of World War III.
DUKE: I'm sure the D.C. chemical-toxin strike was Baroness's grand-plan.
SHIPWRECK: Yeah; she's no Mara!
DUKE: How is Mara by the way, Shipwreck?
SHIPWRECK: She's safe (away from all this madness).
DUKE: Get Snake-Eyes; we have to deal with World War III now.
SHIPWRECK: I propose we find and destroy the Cobra lair.
DUKE: Chip believes he's hacked into a Cobra computer-network.
SHIPWRECK: Does he know where the Cobra lair is hidden?
DUKE: He thinks it's in Australia (off the coast --- underwater!).
SHIPWRECK: Send Snake-Eyes and Lifeline.
DUKE: I already have...
SHIPWRECK: If we can destroy the Cobra lair, surely, things will reverse.
DUKE: That's the hope, my friend.
SHIPWRECK: In the meantime, let's send Lady Jaye to secure forces in NYC.
DUKE: She's already doing that.
SHIPWRECK: Well, I'm surrounded by psychics!
DUKE: We think Cobra will attack San Francisco and Beijing next.
SHIPWRECK: If Snake-Eyes can grab Serpentor from the Cobra lair, we'll be winning.
DUKE: Let's hope for the best.

"Cobra managed to destroy Beijing and Chicago as well as Sydney, Tokyo, and Berlin. Serpentor ordered Cobra to drop chemical bombs all over Africa, but G.I. Joe jet-fighters intercepted the Cobra planes and destroyed them before it could be accomplished. Snake-Eyes was able to grab Serpentor and bring him back from the Cobra lair which he and Lifeline unearthed off the coast of Australia (just as Duke hoped!). World War III was over, but Cobra had scarred humanity forever, reminding modern civilization of the dangers of modern technology, weaponry, and yes, chemical toxins. Now, Duke and the Joes planned to rebuild civilization and incarcerate all the remaining members of Cobra...including Baroness. G.I. Joe female agent Victoria was ordered by Duke to interrogate the Baroness, who was now in Joe-custody!"



VICTORIA: Cobra was pure evil...
BARONESS: We had a specific goal, Victoria!
VICTORIA: Well, you failed (thank God).
BARONESS: It was worth the fight.
VICTORIA: Nothing is worth anarchy.
BARONESS: Really? America was a fascist empire.
VICTORIA: You're a fanatic...
BARONESS: Really? Wall Street was a den for sharks.
VICTORIA: You're biased against mainstream governments.
BARONESS: I'm not biased; I'm merely 'persuasive.'
VICTORIA: Nothing is solved with warfare.
BARONESS: G.I. Joe thinks war is for self-defense.
VICTORIA: Isn't it?
BARONESS: No! It's for authoritative leadership.
VICTORIA: You sound like an authoritarian yourself.
BARONESS: Well, perhaps we lost because we were too emotional.
VICTORIA: Isn't that the flaw of terrorism?
BARONESS: Who cares?
VICTORIA: You have plenty of time now to reflect and get sane.
BARONESS: Wow. Criminal-insanity treatment for revolutionaries.
VICTORIA: Consider this an 'American pardon.'



"Duke was pleased with Victoria's interrogation of Baroness who was now on a rehabilitation program, being treated for criminal-insanity which her lawyers pleaded during her monumental trial in Washington, D.C. Victoria was given a special commendation by the American Psychological Association (APA). Duke and Snake-Eyes became official governance-advisors to the White House, and Donald Trump, Jr. was elected as the new American President. Trump, Jr. had a line of patriotism-themed sunglasses distributed and marketed to the survivors of the cities devastated during World War III. He also had sunglasses distributed in Paris (France), which was spared for some reason by Cobra, as a gesture of benevolent American global leadership!"



SNAKE-EYES: Thank God it's all over...
SHIPWRECK: The G.I. Joes saved humanity!
SNAKE-EYES: Great.
SHIPWRECK: I'm happily married now to Mara.
SNAKE-EYES: I proposed to Victoria.
SHIPWRECK: You and Victoria are getting married?
SNAKE-EYES: Yup.
SHIPWRECK: That's terrific news, Snake-Eyes. I'm happy for you.
SNAKE-EYES: I'm happy for you too (and Mara).
SHIPWRECK: Man, I remember our old Black Mask sewer-mission.
SNAKE-EYES: In Manhattan? Yeah, that was an 'appetizer' for World War III.
SHIPWRECK: I wonder if historians will say WWIII was a sign of human evolution.
SNAKE-EYES: That's the hope (for sure).
SHIPWRECK: Better than 'devolution' I suppose.
SNAKE-EYES: You suppose right!
SHIPWRECK: Fancy I'll get one of those Trump, Jr. sunglasses for Mara.
SNAKE-EYES: I'll grab a pair myself for Victoria.
SHIPWRECK: Now that Cobra's gone, do you think terrorism is finally dead?
SNAKE-EYES: As long as governance satisfies the people, terrorism will only be a 'malady.'
SHIPWRECK: I don't think it will ever again be...a nightmare.
SNAKE-EYES: Here's to America and reliable urban plumbing(!).
SHIPWRECK: And Jack Daniel's.

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