How About a Joke Thread ?

[App'z]

Yesterday, the Beer Brewery research staff revealed
that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their research, they fed one hundred men
12 pints of beer each and observed that 100% of them
started talking nonsense and couldn't drive. Now
it's easy to believe all this advertising crap if you want?
But all you have to do is ask the Gal's & they answer,
Rosy becomes absolutely beautiful at closing time!

 

[lg325]

1. What did Jonah’s family say when he told them about what happened before reaching Nineveh? “Hmm, sounds fishy.”

 

[App'z]

The chain saw operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine
trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3
acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches.
How many Budweiser's will it take to fell all the trees?

 

[Captain Caveman]

What do you a Muslim that actually got washed?

Amin Yabath

 

[App'z]

 

[App'z]

 

[Auld Phart]

 

[Captain Caveman]

I'm not saying people in Alabama have missing teeth, but one woman smiled in Walmart and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.

 

[App'z]

Two deer hunters hired a pilot to take them way back into the forest.
After the hunt, the pilot returned and saw that they shot six deer.

"The plane won't carry six deer, you'll have to leave two of them,"
said the pilot, trying to be friendly. Unwilling to leave their dead deer,
the hunters said, "We got six on the plane last year."
The pilot gave in, and just five minutes after takeoff
the plane crashed into the forest.

Lucky to be alive, one of the hunters said,
"Any idea where we are?" The second hunter said,
"Yeah, right about where our plane went down last year."

______________________________

 

[Ringo]

John, if you could, would you choose Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?
Well, I think spilling half a glass of whisky is better than forgetting where the whole bottle is.

When I was 14 years old, I dreamed that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion between us. Then I decided to marry a passionate girl.
At uni I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.Every little thing turned into a terrible drama and threatened her with suicide.
I decided to marry a stable woman.
After graduating from uni in met a very stable girl, but she turned out to be terribly boring. She was completely predictable and never lost her head.
Life with her turned into a routine, and I decided to marry a girl with a zest.
The girl with a twist turned out to be too rambunctious. She was constantly going to extremes, making me feel super happy and super unhappy.
She was super energetic but had no goals in life.
I decided to marry someone who had real ambition in life.
Then I found myself a smart, ambitious girl and married her. She turned out to be so smart and ambitious that she divorced me after a year and sued me for everything I had.
Now I'm a wise man, and I'm looking for a woman with big tits.

A fish inspector catches a fisherman and says:
You're in trouble, man, you can't catch fish here!
And I don't.
What are you telling me? What's this?
Well, it's my fish, I brought it for a walk. I let it out, then I whistle and it comes back and we go home.
Come on, show me.
The man let the fish out, and they're looking at the water. The inspector says:
Well, whistle.
Why?
To get the fish back.
What fish?

-Young lady, may I take you to dinner?
I don't eat at night.
Well, then we can go to the movies.
I download from Internet.
Well, then you can just come to my place and watch TV.
I threw my TV set in the trash three years ago, there's nothing to watch.
I don't know, you could look at Photographs.
Watching strange grandparents? No way!
Why don't you tell me what you like?
I like sex, but you don't seem to be interested in sex.

An auto mechanic, wiping his hands, hands over a car to a customer and chats with him:
And what do you do?
Surgeon, I perform heart surgeries...
How much do you get paid?
20,000 dollars per operation.
Oh, man. we do the same thing, you rebuild human engines and I do the same with cars and I only get paid 300 bucks.
You want to get paid the same as me?
Sure.!!!!
The surgeon takes a wad of bucks out of his pocket, starts the engine....
Now go ahead......

 

[Ringo]

An amusing story told by Sergei Petrovich Kapitsa, a prominent Soviet physics scientist.

The case was in the 60s of the last century. A group of nuclear physicists from a very secret research institute went on vacation to the Black Sea. All as one - doctors of science.

They went to the beach, and in order not to be bored there, on the way they bought several bottles of wine with plastic caps, which had to be cut off with a knife, a corkscrew is useless there.
And then, next to the prominent physicists and luminaries of science, there was a local man with a very wrinkled look.
Well, they turned to him:
- Dear man, do you have anything to open a bottle?

He gave the intellectuals a skeptical look and said:

- Of course I have! Do you have matches?

The man took the matches, lit them, heated the cork on their flame and pulled it out, softened by the fire, and threw it away
And then he threw a contemptuous phrase in the face of the luminaries of soviet science:

- "You should have learned physics at school better, you inept morons!"

 

[Ringo]

Oculist to patient:

• I have two pieces of news for you. Good news and bad news. Which one should I start with?
• The good news, doctor.
• Soon you'll be able to read without glasses.
• My God! Doctor! It's a miracle! But how? I can't even see much with my glasses. How am I supposed to read without my glasses?!
• With your fingers.

 

[The Sage of Main Street]

A cat dies and goes to Animal Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says,
"You have been a good cat all of these years."
"Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Animal Heaven.
God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women
with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates,
we wouldn't have to run anymore."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow.
God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "I've never been happier in my life."
"Those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

(Later)

 

[The Sage of Main Street]

(Later)

A Tale of Two Tails

Perched on his warm-blanket podium, Junior told the story to the other kittens:

"There was this monster, musta been a thousand paws tall! He picked me up and was going to eat me alive!!"

Terrified, the other kittens squeaked and squealed, sounding like mice.

"Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, My Daddy shows up in the nick of time! My Daddy has the sharpest teeth and claws in the whole wide world."

The kittens purred.

"My Daddy hissed at the monster. 'PUT MY SON DOWN RIGHT THIS MINUTE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU.'

"Scared, the monster did what he was told. And they call us 'scaredy cats.'"

The kittens high-fived.

 

[Ringo]

"...I really don't understand what the thrill of hunting is. A friend says: "I recently bought a new gun for 200,000, and I'm going grouse hunting".
I think that's kind of a lot of money for grouse. If you have a gun for 200 grand, you should at least go for unicorn.
If you have 200,000, why kill a grouse at all?
You can hire a hit man to kill a grouse.
And he won't just kill the grouse, he'll make it look like a suicide.
And then the grouse will be found in a cheap hotel room, around a pack of pills and a note with the text: "My dear, I'm sick of all this, no more strength to pay the loan for our hollow tree".

 

[Ringo]

• Holmes, what do you think - who is guilty of blowing up the pipelines?
• Definitely Putin.
• And why do you think so?
• Elementary, Watson - if it wasn't for him, would we have blown them up?

 

[Ringo]

Who is a bad politician?
A bad politician is one who lies and is not believed.
Then who is a good politician?
A good politician is one who lies and is believed.
And if he doesn't lie?
Then, he is not a politician

 

[App'z]

 

[App'z]

 

[App'z]

Two young Men are picked up by the cops for smoking dope and
appeared in court on Friday before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men and
I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.

I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others
the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever.
I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two young men are back in court and
the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
o O ...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and
this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, Lil Johnny how did you do?", he asked?

So Lil Johnny thinks for a bit and answers, " your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?"

So Lil Johnny says, "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
O o I said (pointing to the small circle)

"this is your butt hole before prison, ..."
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iT MOST LIKELY LEFT A LASTING IMPRESSION MAYBE ?