I miss my sister

[Michelle420]

I have good days and bad days.

Even though we lived in different states we used to go online together and sometimes troll

We had a lot of fun over the years.

The hardest part is trying to understand why she committed suicide.

I still don't understand why. She felt grief over our dad dying in jan 2013 and our cousin in oct 2012 but I don't know why she did this, my heart hurts.

RIP 6-10-2013

 

[Esmeralda]

I am very sorry to read about this. Losing someone close and important is very difficult, very painful, I know. I know dealing with grief is different for different people. There are online forums and chat rooms where you can talk to others and books to read that help with the grieving process. That's what I did, and it helped somewhat. I also kept a journal of my daily life and my feelings. I addressed each journal entry to the one I had lost, as if I was talking to her. That was probably the most helpful. At last, it just takes time for the pain to ease, a lot of time. Allow yourself to grieve; respect that you need to.

 

[Michelle420]

I am very sorry to read about this. Losing someone close and important is very difficult, very painful, I know. I know dealing with grief is different for different people. There are online forums and chat rooms where you can talk to others and books to read that help with the grieving process. That's what I did, and it helped somewhat. I also kept a journal of my daily life and my feelings. I addressed each journal entry to the one I had lost, as if I was talking to her. That was probably the most helpful. At last, it just takes time for the pain to ease, a lot of time. Allow yourself to grieve; respect that you need to.

Thanks

I've been doing good but my mom called and was feeling bad and so when we hung up I started feeling bad.

If I don't think about it I feel ok.

I read 2 books about it and also went to a counselor a few sessions over the summer.

Plus there are a couple people at the board I PM'ed with who helped a lot more than anything else.

I wrote a lossography which was like journaling except I felt drained afterward.

I like it better when I don't think about it. But family will remind you eh?

 

[Esmeralda]

I am very sorry to read about this. Losing someone close and important is very difficult, very painful, I know. I know dealing with grief is different for different people. There are online forums and chat rooms where you can talk to others and books to read that help with the grieving process. That's what I did, and it helped somewhat. I also kept a journal of my daily life and my feelings. I addressed each journal entry to the one I had lost, as if I was talking to her. That was probably the most helpful. At last, it just takes time for the pain to ease, a lot of time. Allow yourself to grieve; respect that you need to.

Thanks

I've been doing good but my mom called and was feeling bad and so when we hung up I started feeling bad.

If I don't think about it I feel ok.

I read 2 books about it and also went to a counselor a few sessions over the summer.

Plus there are a couple people at the board I PM'ed with who helped a lot more than anything else.

I wrote a lossography which was like journaling except I felt drained afterward.

I like it better when I don't think about it. But family will remind you eh?

Yes, they are suffering too and want to talk about it. That's their way of dealing with it. For you, it's different. When they call you to talk about it and then you feel bad, probably the best thing to do is what you've done, reach out and get it off your chest to someone, some how.

 

[Michelle420]

I am very sorry to read about this. Losing someone close and important is very difficult, very painful, I know. I know dealing with grief is different for different people. There are online forums and chat rooms where you can talk to others and books to read that help with the grieving process. That's what I did, and it helped somewhat. I also kept a journal of my daily life and my feelings. I addressed each journal entry to the one I had lost, as if I was talking to her. That was probably the most helpful. At last, it just takes time for the pain to ease, a lot of time. Allow yourself to grieve; respect that you need to.

Thanks

I've been doing good but my mom called and was feeling bad and so when we hung up I started feeling bad.

If I don't think about it I feel ok.

I read 2 books about it and also went to a counselor a few sessions over the summer.

Plus there are a couple people at the board I PM'ed with who helped a lot more than anything else.

I wrote a lossography which was like journaling except I felt drained afterward.

I like it better when I don't think about it. But family will remind you eh?

Yes, they are suffering too and want to talk about it. That's their way of dealing with it. For you, it's different. When they call you to talk about it and then you feel bad, probably the best thing to do is what you've done, reach out and get it off your chest to someone, some how.

Yeah, I have to be there for my mom, but like you said I just deal with it differently.

I would go out and do something to feel better but I have two midterms I should be working on.

Are you still dealing with grief?

 

[Esmeralda]

Thanks

I've been doing good but my mom called and was feeling bad and so when we hung up I started feeling bad.

If I don't think about it I feel ok.

I read 2 books about it and also went to a counselor a few sessions over the summer.

Plus there are a couple people at the board I PM'ed with who helped a lot more than anything else.

I wrote a lossography which was like journaling except I felt drained afterward.

I like it better when I don't think about it. But family will remind you eh?

Yes, they are suffering too and want to talk about it. That's their way of dealing with it. For you, it's different. When they call you to talk about it and then you feel bad, probably the best thing to do is what you've done, reach out and get it off your chest to someone, some how.

Yeah, I have to be there for my mom, but like you said I just deal with it differently.

I would go out and do something to feel better but I have two midterms I should be working on.

Are you still dealing with grief?

I lost my child. It is something you never get over. It was 13 years ago, just about as long as I had her. I still grieve, but not like before. It is also difficult for me to think about her, and when I do, I feel very sad. I dream about her often, but most of the time, I'm okay. It just took a long, long time to get where I am now. Actually, I'm glad when she comes to me in dreams; it's like we are spending time together again, and most of the time, nothing bad happens in the dreams. In the beginning, though, they were dreams about me losing her in one way or another, and I'd wake up crying out for her. That doesn't happen much now.

 

[Esmeralda]

I am very sorry to read about this. Losing someone close and important is very difficult, very painful, I know. I know dealing with grief is different for different people. There are online forums and chat rooms where you can talk to others and books to read that help with the grieving process. That's what I did, and it helped somewhat. I also kept a journal of my daily life and my feelings. I addressed each journal entry to the one I had lost, as if I was talking to her. That was probably the most helpful. At last, it just takes time for the pain to ease, a lot of time. Allow yourself to grieve; respect that you need to.

Thanks

I've been doing good but my mom called and was feeling bad and so when we hung up I started feeling bad.

If I don't think about it I feel ok.

I read 2 books about it and also went to a counselor a few sessions over the summer.

Plus there are a couple people at the board I PM'ed with who helped a lot more than anything else.

I wrote a lossography which was like journaling except I felt drained afterward.

I like it better when I don't think about it. But family will remind you eh?

I went to a support group for a while, but that didn't work well for me. We all grieve in our own ways.

 

[Michelle420]

Yes, they are suffering too and want to talk about it. That's their way of dealing with it. For you, it's different. When they call you to talk about it and then you feel bad, probably the best thing to do is what you've done, reach out and get it off your chest to someone, some how.

Yeah, I have to be there for my mom, but like you said I just deal with it differently.

I would go out and do something to feel better but I have two midterms I should be working on.

Are you still dealing with grief?

I lost my child. It is something you never get over. It was 13 years ago, just about as long as I had her. I still grieve, but not like before. It is also difficult for me to think about her, and when I do, I feel very sad. I dream about her often, but most of the time, I'm okay. It just took a long, long time to get where I am now. Actually, I'm glad when she comes to me in dreams; it's like we are spending time together again, and most of the time, nothing bad happens in the dreams. In the beginning, though, they were dreams about me losing her in one way or another, and I'd wake up crying out for her. That doesn't happen much now.

I'm sorry about your loss too.

I dreamed about my sister the night she went to the emergency room, and in my dream she had cut her long hair short which last I saw her she had long hair, but when I went to the hospital her hair was all chopped off just like in the dream.

Since then I have had a few dreams where she was alive and that somehow her death didn't really happen and then I wake up and realize she really died.

The last dream I had was a couple weeks ago and in it she had passed away but somehow we were visiting each and it was more of a good feeling dream than the previous ones.

I am not of any religion and so I find myself wishing I was because it feels so bad to think of death and I want to believe in life after it.

Do you have other children and how did they cope?

Also thanks for sharing with me, it's hard to be vulnerable and I appreciate you sharing your own pain with me.

 

[Bloodrock44]

You will be in my prayers Drifter. My situation is a little different. My sister and I are very close. In January she had a physical and received a clean bill of health. In May she had to go to the emergency room and after tests they found very aggressive malignant tumors in her liver, lungs and on the artery between her lungs. They are inoperable and they gave her a year to live. She came to visit a couple of weeks ago and we had a wonderful time. We have resolved to spend as much time as we can together and not dwell on the downside but it has hit me very hard and I'm not handling it well at all. But I know you all will be there for me when that time comes. Feel free to PM me any time whether to talk about it or whether you just want to vent. God bless.

 

[Michelle420]

I am very sorry to read about this. Losing someone close and important is very difficult, very painful, I know. I know dealing with grief is different for different people. There are online forums and chat rooms where you can talk to others and books to read that help with the grieving process. That's what I did, and it helped somewhat. I also kept a journal of my daily life and my feelings. I addressed each journal entry to the one I had lost, as if I was talking to her. That was probably the most helpful. At last, it just takes time for the pain to ease, a lot of time. Allow yourself to grieve; respect that you need to.

Thanks

I've been doing good but my mom called and was feeling bad and so when we hung up I started feeling bad.

If I don't think about it I feel ok.

I read 2 books about it and also went to a counselor a few sessions over the summer.

Plus there are a couple people at the board I PM'ed with who helped a lot more than anything else.

I wrote a lossography which was like journaling except I felt drained afterward.

I like it better when I don't think about it. But family will remind you eh?

I went to a support group for a while, but that didn't work well for me. We all grieve in our own ways.

I agree with you the counselor thing was ok but to be honest the PM's I had with a couple people here helped more.

SImply because they had a belief or a strength that was more inspiring and I just needed that kind of thought, whereas with the counseling it is almost rehashing the horrible nightmare.

I just wanted to feel better and the people here including you help a lot more for my way of grieving.

I fine sometimes when I watch funny stuff online it makes me forget my pain and I don't know if that's "healthy" or not but whatever works for me is what I am going to do.

 

[Esmeralda]

Yeah, I have to be there for my mom, but like you said I just deal with it differently.

I would go out and do something to feel better but I have two midterms I should be working on.

Are you still dealing with grief?

I lost my child. It is something you never get over. It was 13 years ago, just about as long as I had her. I still grieve, but not like before. It is also difficult for me to think about her, and when I do, I feel very sad. I dream about her often, but most of the time, I'm okay. It just took a long, long time to get where I am now. Actually, I'm glad when she comes to me in dreams; it's like we are spending time together again, and most of the time, nothing bad happens in the dreams. In the beginning, though, they were dreams about me losing her in one way or another, and I'd wake up crying out for her. That doesn't happen much now.

I'm sorry about your loss too.

I dreamed about my sister the night she went to the emergency room, and in my dream she had cut her long hair short which last I saw her she had long hair, but when I went to the hospital her hair was all chopped off just like in the dream.

Since then I have had a few dreams where she was alive and that somehow her death didn't really happen and then I wake up and realize she really died.

The last dream I had was a couple weeks ago and in it she had passed away but somehow we were visiting each and it was more of a good feeling dream than the previous ones.

I am not of any religion and so I find myself wishing I was because it feels so bad to think of death and I want to believe in life after it.

Do you have other children and how did they cope?

Also thanks for sharing with me, it's hard to be vulnerable and I appreciate you sharing your own pain with me.

I know it's important for you to know that others understand what you are experiencing. I am at the point now I can write and speak about it as I am doing: that's amazing to me. At the time, I read over and over and heard over and over that the main thing is time. Time is the healer. And, though it's sort of a cliche, they were right. One day, you may look forward to dreaming about her, because, as I say, it's a good thing, usually; it's like being with her again. I've noticed when I am going through something difficult, she will come to me in a dream. I'm not religious. I believe that the stress I am feeling causes my sub-conscious to want to have her with me, and that's why she comes in dreams when I am stressing over something difficult. Those dreams come less often when I am not stressed. Anyway, it is good now, when I dream about her; they are not sad dreams, usually. But, day to day, if I think about her too much, the sadness is more than I can handle. I don't have any other children. She was adopted.

 

[Esmeralda]

Thanks

I've been doing good but my mom called and was feeling bad and so when we hung up I started feeling bad.

If I don't think about it I feel ok.

I read 2 books about it and also went to a counselor a few sessions over the summer.

Plus there are a couple people at the board I PM'ed with who helped a lot more than anything else.

I wrote a lossography which was like journaling except I felt drained afterward.

I like it better when I don't think about it. But family will remind you eh?

I went to a support group for a while, but that didn't work well for me. We all grieve in our own ways.

I agree with you the counselor thing was ok but to be honest the PM's I had with a couple people here helped more.

SImply because they had a belief or a strength that was more inspiring and I just needed that kind of thought, whereas with the counseling it is almost rehashing the horrible nightmare.

I just wanted to feel better and the people here including you help a lot more for my way of grieving.

I fine sometimes when I watch funny stuff online it makes me forget my pain and I don't know if that's "healthy" or not but whatever works for me is what I am going to do.

Exactly. Whatever works for you, that's what you do. Exactly.

I didn't say it before, but I also spent a lot of weeks putting together a photo and keepsake album to remember her life. But that's something a mom can do, not something you could probably do for a sister. All of that, the photo album, the journals, the online chat room, all in the first year or so. It helped. Don't know exactly why, but it did. In general, day to day, ordinary people don't want to hear about it: it makes them uncomfortable, but for me, I needed to express the grief somehow, and those things worked.

 

[Michelle420]

I lost my child. It is something you never get over. It was 13 years ago, just about as long as I had her. I still grieve, but not like before. It is also difficult for me to think about her, and when I do, I feel very sad. I dream about her often, but most of the time, I'm okay. It just took a long, long time to get where I am now. Actually, I'm glad when she comes to me in dreams; it's like we are spending time together again, and most of the time, nothing bad happens in the dreams. In the beginning, though, they were dreams about me losing her in one way or another, and I'd wake up crying out for her. That doesn't happen much now.

I'm sorry about your loss too.

I dreamed about my sister the night she went to the emergency room, and in my dream she had cut her long hair short which last I saw her she had long hair, but when I went to the hospital her hair was all chopped off just like in the dream.

Since then I have had a few dreams where she was alive and that somehow her death didn't really happen and then I wake up and realize she really died.

The last dream I had was a couple weeks ago and in it she had passed away but somehow we were visiting each and it was more of a good feeling dream than the previous ones.

I am not of any religion and so I find myself wishing I was because it feels so bad to think of death and I want to believe in life after it.

Do you have other children and how did they cope?

Also thanks for sharing with me, it's hard to be vulnerable and I appreciate you sharing your own pain with me.

I know it's important for you to know that others understand what you are experiencing. I am at the point now I can write and speak about it as I am doing: that's amazing to me. At the time, I read over and over and heard over and over that the main thing is time. Time is the healer. And, though it's sort of a cliche, they were right. One day, you may look forward to dreaming about her, because, as I say, it's a good thing, usually; it's like being with her again. I've noticed when I am going through something difficult, she will come to me in a dream. I'm not religious. I believe that the stress I am feeling causes my sub-conscious to want to have her with me, and that's why she comes in dreams when I am stressing over something difficult. Those dreams come less often when I am not stressed. Anyway, it is good now, when I dream about her; they are not sad dreams, usually. But, day to day, if I think about her too much, the sadness is more than I can handle. I don't have any other children. She was adopted.

Yeah I think the last dream I had was the most pleasant and it felt like a relief because I've been feeling guilty ever since she died because I wasn't there for her.

It felt like we were best friends again.

Well I am glad you shared with me because I don't feel so alone in these moments.

Thanks I am starting to feel better again.

 

[Michelle420]

You will be in my prayers Drifter. My situation is a little different. My sister and I are very close. In January she had a physical and received a clean bill of health. In May she had to go to the emergency room and after tests they found very aggressive malignant tumors in her liver, lungs and on the artery between her lungs. They are inoperable and they gave her a year to live. She came to visit a couple of weeks ago and we had a wonderful time. We have resolved to spend as much time as we can together and not dwell on the downside but it has hit me very hard and I'm not handling it well at all. But I know you all will be there for me when that time comes. Feel free to PM me any time whether to talk about it or whether you just want to vent. God bless.

I am sorry about your sister.

Do you live in the same town?

I hope you do spend as much time as you can with her no matter what even if it means leave of absence at work.

I am sure it feels very scary, while I am not religious myself, I always secretly wish I was and in the chance that there is something to religion I pray that your sister, esmeraldas child and my sister are all surrounded in love and can feel it wherever the soul goes/is.

 

[Michelle420]

I went to a support group for a while, but that didn't work well for me. We all grieve in our own ways.

I agree with you the counselor thing was ok but to be honest the PM's I had with a couple people here helped more.

SImply because they had a belief or a strength that was more inspiring and I just needed that kind of thought, whereas with the counseling it is almost rehashing the horrible nightmare.

I just wanted to feel better and the people here including you help a lot more for my way of grieving.

I fine sometimes when I watch funny stuff online it makes me forget my pain and I don't know if that's "healthy" or not but whatever works for me is what I am going to do.

Exactly. Whatever works for you, that's what you do. Exactly.

I didn't say it before, but I also spent a lot of weeks putting together a photo and keepsake album to remember her life. But that's something a mom can do, not something you could probably do for a sister. All of that, the photo album, the journals, the online chat room, all in the first year or so. It helped. Don't know exactly why, but it did. In general, day to day, ordinary people don't want to hear about it: it makes them uncomfortable, but for me, I needed to express the grief somehow, and those things worked.

She had kids and they did make a website for her with photos and music and a guest book.

I don't post it because some people online are cruel even in things like this when we are most vulnerable and I wouldn't want my mom or my sisters kids to have a troll be hurtful.

 

[Esmeralda]

I agree with you the counselor thing was ok but to be honest the PM's I had with a couple people here helped more.

SImply because they had a belief or a strength that was more inspiring and I just needed that kind of thought, whereas with the counseling it is almost rehashing the horrible nightmare.

I just wanted to feel better and the people here including you help a lot more for my way of grieving.

I fine sometimes when I watch funny stuff online it makes me forget my pain and I don't know if that's "healthy" or not but whatever works for me is what I am going to do.

Exactly. Whatever works for you, that's what you do. Exactly.

I didn't say it before, but I also spent a lot of weeks putting together a photo and keepsake album to remember her life. But that's something a mom can do, not something you could probably do for a sister. All of that, the photo album, the journals, the online chat room, all in the first year or so. It helped. Don't know exactly why, but it did. In general, day to day, ordinary people don't want to hear about it: it makes them uncomfortable, but for me, I needed to express the grief somehow, and those things worked.

She had kids and they did make a website for her with photos and music and a guest book.

I don't post it because some people online are cruel even in things like this when we are most vulnerable and I wouldn't want my mom or my sisters kids to have a troll be hurtful.

Do what is right for you. Respect your own feelings and give it time. It takes time, and nothing can change that. I know how tough it is.

 

[Bloodrock44]

You will be in my prayers Drifter. My situation is a little different. My sister and I are very close. In January she had a physical and received a clean bill of health. In May she had to go to the emergency room and after tests they found very aggressive malignant tumors in her liver, lungs and on the artery between her lungs. They are inoperable and they gave her a year to live. She came to visit a couple of weeks ago and we had a wonderful time. We have resolved to spend as much time as we can together and not dwell on the downside but it has hit me very hard and I'm not handling it well at all. But I know you all will be there for me when that time comes. Feel free to PM me any time whether to talk about it or whether you just want to vent. God bless.

I am sorry about your sister.

Do you live in the same town?

I hope you do spend as much time as you can with her no matter what even if it means leave of absence at work.

I am sure it feels very scary, while I am not religious myself, I always secretly wish I was and in the chance that there is something to religion I pray that your sister, esmeraldas child and my sister are all surrounded in love and can feel it wherever the soul goes/is.

Thanks. She lives in Maryland and I live in North Carolina. About 5 hours. We are both fortunate enough to be financially independent so I will be doing a lot of travelling, which is ok as I have other relatives up that way and can visit them. We are both strong believers and we know and trust God and that is why I know we will both be strong if and when the time comes. I will be praying for your peace as well as Esmerelda's.

 

[Ropey]

I have good days and bad days.

Even though we lived in different states we used to go online together and sometimes troll

We had a lot of fun over the years.

The hardest part is trying to understand why she committed suicide.

I still don't understand why. She felt grief over our dad dying in jan 2013 and our cousin in oct 2012 but I don't know why she did this, my heart hurts.

RIP 6-10-2013

In the whispering wind,
You can look for your sis.
With the birds in bluest sky,
No doubt as lost as you and I.

Although they squawk along,
They continue to wander on.

In this time, I'm not so sure,
How the eagle could know.
To set a course more true,
And bring this comfort to you.

She wanders on in a bird's song,
Maybe hoping that someday.
her friends will sing along,
But your sadness is ok.

Your song is still long,
So you wander on...



...but not alone.

 

[iamwhatiseem]

I suggest writing a goodbye letter to her.
Telling her exactly as you feel, a long letter preferably. It might take several settings to finish it.
After it is done, send it to her email address, or bury it in a nice box somewhere where you both went.
Or frame it and place it among any belongings you might have of hers.
Be open and honest, good or bad.

At the end of the letter, tell her what you are doing to make your own life better. How she still influences you, how she still matters.
I think this would be good for you.

 

[Lovebears65]

I have good days and bad days.

Even though we lived in different states we used to go online together and sometimes troll

We had a lot of fun over the years.

The hardest part is trying to understand why she committed suicide.

I still don't understand why. She felt grief over our dad dying in jan 2013 and our cousin in oct 2012 but I don't know why she did this, my heart hurts.

RIP 6-10-2013

Im sorry your going through this. I know what it feels like sadly. It is sad to know I can not pick up the phone and talk to my brother if I wanted too. He was never on the internet so that never changed.