Lord Long Rod
Diamond Member
- Jan 17, 2023
- 7,706
- 8,122
- 2,138
- Banned
- #1
Well sir, it be back in 1995, I reckon, when my old homestead way up here in the deep dark hills of Sasquatch Hollow got plum put under siege by them blasted mangy Bigfoot bastards. See, I wuz away from the compound fer a couple yers on âspecial assignmentâ in Saudi Arabi fer old Wild Bill Clinton. Now I cainât say exactly what I were doin fer that old fuck face. Alls I can say is that thar wuz a lot of money involved, along with a bunch of skank cooch.
So when I finally got dun with my service to Cuntry, I got home to find that Sasquatch Hollow wuz over run by them thar Sasquatch sumbitches. With old Roy gone, they wuz free to fuck up a storm and make a bunch of them lil Bigfoot monsters. They wuz thicker than cockroaches in the kitchen of a Mexican restaurant they wuz!
Well sir, I immediately started thinnin them suckers out. I wuz killin 3-4 of them muthafuckas everday. I had to dig me a big old pit inta which to throw the corpses. Course, I trimmed the loins outa a bunch of em fer the old ice box! That kept in vittles fer 3 winters, it dun did! I also skint a few of em and made coats and britches wit thar hides. But fer the most parts I threw them sumbitches in the pit and burned em up.
One day I wuz out thar by the burn pit while a raging inferno of Sasquatch flesh wuz burning. I were aâtending to my garden of skank weed when a big old storm blew in. Alla sudden, a big old gust of wind blew in and blew a huge ass smoke cloud frum the burn pit right over on me, engulfing me in the burning Bigfoot fumes. I got all choked up and started coughing and choking. I tried to git clear of the smoke, but that damned old storm had the wind aâswirling a round so bad all I could see was the putrid black smoke of the burnt up Bigfoots from the pit!
I wuz coughing up a fit. I couldnât see shit. I couldnât breath. And I wuz covered in sticky black soot. The fact is, I prolly built up the fire too damn high. But I hadda git rid of them sumbitches.
The wind finally changed directions and cleared away the smoke bomb frum my homestead a bit. The wind wuz clearly fueling the fire cuz I could see that the flames frum that old far pit were now a good 20-30 feet above the ground. It were an angry blaze! All the orange glowin embers were blowing round, setting the woods on fire around me.
I caught site of my old cabin and high tailed it to the front door. âGoddamn!â, I sed as I closed the door behind me. I wuz still coughing and aâwheezin and trying to catch my breath. I wuz hoping fer rain soon from this here storm or else I wuz afraid the fire wuld burn up the hole goddamn hollow.
I wuz gittin dizzy and had to sit down, which I dun did. My head wuz jest aâswirlin and aâtwirlin. The best I can figure, it wuz bout that time I blacked out. It were also at this here point whar the hallucinations set in on me.
It were a bad scene too. I imagined I wuz out in the middle of the ocean at sum place called âEpstein Islandâ playin poker with old Wild Bill Clinton and Donald Trump. Thar we wuz, playin cards at what looked like a huge Victorian table covered in Sasquatch fur. Then I lost a shit ton of money in a big bet. Old Bill and Don started laughing at me, saying I have to âfeed the beastâ cuz I lost. I were confused and a might scared.
I wuz then in the clutches of sum foul skank monster they called Jizzlain Maxwell. She dragged me off to sum room and chained me up to a bed. Then she left me alone. I wuz sweatin in fear! Then I heard the infernal cackling. It were at a distance at first. Then it got closer and closer. Finally, the door to the room flew open! Thar it wuz!! The beast!!! It wuz Hillary Clinton!! She walked in, cackling like a fucking idiot. Then it took off its pants to reveal a huge, throbbing dong! âHOLY SHIT!!â, I screamed. But no scream could be heard. I up now laying on the bed bound and wearing a blue dress!! She cackled louder at the expression of terror on my face. As she mounted me with her huge shanker I woke up. The dream wuz gone.
I immediately jumped up outa my chair and looked around me. I knew I were back home in my old cabin. âHoly sheeyit!! It wuz jest a dream!â, I sed to myself. My heart wuz jest aâbeatin outa my chest. Suddenly I puked all over the floor. I think I passed out agin. But mercifully this time thar wuz no dreams.
I finally woke up in my sane mind hours later, layin on the floor of my cabin and covered in shit, piss, and vomit. âGODDAMN, what the hell happened to me?!?â, I thought. I ainât been THAT fucked up since listening to Neil Diamond while doing pineal gland juice.
I eventually remembered the burn pit and the wind storm, and that I had ingested all that damned Sasquatch smoke and ash. âNasty motherfuckers!â, I sed under my breath. Then I wint outside my cabin.
A lot of the woods round my cabin wuz all burnt up. But apparently the rain came and put it out, cuz the ground wuz all wet. I looked down in the burn pit to find ash and still smoldering chunks of charred Bigfoot meat. I spit into the pit.
At that point I came to the stark realization that these here Bigfoot fuckers were fucking evil. Shortly tharafter I doubled my effort to exterminate these critters frum Sasquatch Hollow by going on a Rambo-esque blood rage agin them monsters. Course this here time I did not burn thar remains. I jest threw em in the pit, pissed on âem, then covered it up with dirt once it were filled up to the brim.
After the passing of a couple weeks I returned to my peaceful state of mind. In fact, I thought I would take a day off and do sum fishin. So I wint into my old sleepin room to retrieve the dynamite frum my closet. Now, gentle reader, what happened next shook me to the core. Here I wuz thinking I had gotten over that hellish nightmare of being raped by Hillary Clinton and her huge dinosauric rod. But it were about to all come flooding back to me.
I opened the door of my closet. Sumthang caught my eye. It were a garment hanging up on the clothes rack. It was out of place. Then ⌠I realized ⌠itâs a dress. A blue dress is hanging in my closet. âWhat in fucking hellâŚâ I thunk to myself.
I reached fer the blue dress, took it down from the rack, and then turned it to me fer a better look. Right thar on the front of it were a big dark smudge. âWhat in tarnation âŚâ I thought. I moved the garment closer to my face and sniffed the smudge. âJIZZâ, I sed out loud.
Out of nowhere the horrid sound of female cackling filled my ears. I immediately fainted. I must have hit the floor hard, maybe even hitting my head, cuz I donât remember much after that.
I werenât right in the head fer a good spell after that, I tell ya. I ran off into the woods, nekkid. I kilt and skinned a Bigfoot, draped itâs hide over me, and lived as a Skinwalker fer a few months.
Eventually I got my bearings back and wandered back to my old cabin. That goddamn Sasquatch flesh is no joke. Thatâs why when you cook it up you gotta slow roast that motherfucker. God help you if you sniff the smoke!
So when I finally got dun with my service to Cuntry, I got home to find that Sasquatch Hollow wuz over run by them thar Sasquatch sumbitches. With old Roy gone, they wuz free to fuck up a storm and make a bunch of them lil Bigfoot monsters. They wuz thicker than cockroaches in the kitchen of a Mexican restaurant they wuz!
Well sir, I immediately started thinnin them suckers out. I wuz killin 3-4 of them muthafuckas everday. I had to dig me a big old pit inta which to throw the corpses. Course, I trimmed the loins outa a bunch of em fer the old ice box! That kept in vittles fer 3 winters, it dun did! I also skint a few of em and made coats and britches wit thar hides. But fer the most parts I threw them sumbitches in the pit and burned em up.
One day I wuz out thar by the burn pit while a raging inferno of Sasquatch flesh wuz burning. I were aâtending to my garden of skank weed when a big old storm blew in. Alla sudden, a big old gust of wind blew in and blew a huge ass smoke cloud frum the burn pit right over on me, engulfing me in the burning Bigfoot fumes. I got all choked up and started coughing and choking. I tried to git clear of the smoke, but that damned old storm had the wind aâswirling a round so bad all I could see was the putrid black smoke of the burnt up Bigfoots from the pit!
I wuz coughing up a fit. I couldnât see shit. I couldnât breath. And I wuz covered in sticky black soot. The fact is, I prolly built up the fire too damn high. But I hadda git rid of them sumbitches.
The wind finally changed directions and cleared away the smoke bomb frum my homestead a bit. The wind wuz clearly fueling the fire cuz I could see that the flames frum that old far pit were now a good 20-30 feet above the ground. It were an angry blaze! All the orange glowin embers were blowing round, setting the woods on fire around me.
I caught site of my old cabin and high tailed it to the front door. âGoddamn!â, I sed as I closed the door behind me. I wuz still coughing and aâwheezin and trying to catch my breath. I wuz hoping fer rain soon from this here storm or else I wuz afraid the fire wuld burn up the hole goddamn hollow.
I wuz gittin dizzy and had to sit down, which I dun did. My head wuz jest aâswirlin and aâtwirlin. The best I can figure, it wuz bout that time I blacked out. It were also at this here point whar the hallucinations set in on me.
It were a bad scene too. I imagined I wuz out in the middle of the ocean at sum place called âEpstein Islandâ playin poker with old Wild Bill Clinton and Donald Trump. Thar we wuz, playin cards at what looked like a huge Victorian table covered in Sasquatch fur. Then I lost a shit ton of money in a big bet. Old Bill and Don started laughing at me, saying I have to âfeed the beastâ cuz I lost. I were confused and a might scared.
I wuz then in the clutches of sum foul skank monster they called Jizzlain Maxwell. She dragged me off to sum room and chained me up to a bed. Then she left me alone. I wuz sweatin in fear! Then I heard the infernal cackling. It were at a distance at first. Then it got closer and closer. Finally, the door to the room flew open! Thar it wuz!! The beast!!! It wuz Hillary Clinton!! She walked in, cackling like a fucking idiot. Then it took off its pants to reveal a huge, throbbing dong! âHOLY SHIT!!â, I screamed. But no scream could be heard. I up now laying on the bed bound and wearing a blue dress!! She cackled louder at the expression of terror on my face. As she mounted me with her huge shanker I woke up. The dream wuz gone.
I immediately jumped up outa my chair and looked around me. I knew I were back home in my old cabin. âHoly sheeyit!! It wuz jest a dream!â, I sed to myself. My heart wuz jest aâbeatin outa my chest. Suddenly I puked all over the floor. I think I passed out agin. But mercifully this time thar wuz no dreams.
I finally woke up in my sane mind hours later, layin on the floor of my cabin and covered in shit, piss, and vomit. âGODDAMN, what the hell happened to me?!?â, I thought. I ainât been THAT fucked up since listening to Neil Diamond while doing pineal gland juice.
I eventually remembered the burn pit and the wind storm, and that I had ingested all that damned Sasquatch smoke and ash. âNasty motherfuckers!â, I sed under my breath. Then I wint outside my cabin.
A lot of the woods round my cabin wuz all burnt up. But apparently the rain came and put it out, cuz the ground wuz all wet. I looked down in the burn pit to find ash and still smoldering chunks of charred Bigfoot meat. I spit into the pit.
At that point I came to the stark realization that these here Bigfoot fuckers were fucking evil. Shortly tharafter I doubled my effort to exterminate these critters frum Sasquatch Hollow by going on a Rambo-esque blood rage agin them monsters. Course this here time I did not burn thar remains. I jest threw em in the pit, pissed on âem, then covered it up with dirt once it were filled up to the brim.
After the passing of a couple weeks I returned to my peaceful state of mind. In fact, I thought I would take a day off and do sum fishin. So I wint into my old sleepin room to retrieve the dynamite frum my closet. Now, gentle reader, what happened next shook me to the core. Here I wuz thinking I had gotten over that hellish nightmare of being raped by Hillary Clinton and her huge dinosauric rod. But it were about to all come flooding back to me.
I opened the door of my closet. Sumthang caught my eye. It were a garment hanging up on the clothes rack. It was out of place. Then ⌠I realized ⌠itâs a dress. A blue dress is hanging in my closet. âWhat in fucking hellâŚâ I thunk to myself.
I reached fer the blue dress, took it down from the rack, and then turned it to me fer a better look. Right thar on the front of it were a big dark smudge. âWhat in tarnation âŚâ I thought. I moved the garment closer to my face and sniffed the smudge. âJIZZâ, I sed out loud.
Out of nowhere the horrid sound of female cackling filled my ears. I immediately fainted. I must have hit the floor hard, maybe even hitting my head, cuz I donât remember much after that.
I werenât right in the head fer a good spell after that, I tell ya. I ran off into the woods, nekkid. I kilt and skinned a Bigfoot, draped itâs hide over me, and lived as a Skinwalker fer a few months.
Eventually I got my bearings back and wandered back to my old cabin. That goddamn Sasquatch flesh is no joke. Thatâs why when you cook it up you gotta slow roast that motherfucker. God help you if you sniff the smoke!
............
