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Donât Call My Sister âCuteâ â 6 Good Reasons to Stop Infantilizing Disabled People
Donât Call My Sister âCuteâ â 6 Good Reasons to Stop Infantilizing Disabled People
December 5, 2015 by Creigh Farinas and Caley Farinas
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Source: Everyday Feminism
I cannot call my sister cute.
Thatâs not because she never does anything cute. In fact, when she wears her frog beanie or hugs her plush dinosaur â things that would make even Voldemort look adorable â sometimes I slip up and I tell her, âCaley, you look so cute!â
And she flinches, as though Iâd just mortally insulted her.
And in Caleyâs world, the world many disabled people share, I have. Because words are weapons, and even the sweetest sounding ones can cut, can be used to demean and diminish those they target.
âCuteâ is one of the words that youâd never think of as offensive, but Caley would rather I used any other four letter word around her â any word but that one.
Before Caley came to college, I let her stay in my dorm room for a while to dip her toes into the college experience. While she was staying with me, an acquaintance came by and spotted Caley.
People can generally tell that something is âdifferentâ about Caley and often guess it has something to do with a disability, although they canât quite put their finger on what that disability is. This acquaintance was apparently one of these people, and when she determined Caley was âdifferent,â she adapted her own demeanor towards Caley accordingly.
When she finally left the room, I was left with a very odd sensation. Something felt very wrong and weird about the interaction Iâd just seen, but I couldnât quite label what it was.
After a lifetime of defending Caley from peers who meant her harm, verbally or otherwise, Iâd gotten pretty good at determining subtle undertones of anger, taunting, and verbal barbs. But try as I might, I couldnât find a single instance of any of those in her visit. In fact, my acquaintance had been very nice â even saccharinely so â to Caley.
Why, then, was I left with a bad taste in my mouth?
Finally, I figured it out: My acquaintance had treated Caley like she was a small child.
As soon as sheâd gathered enough data to dump Caley into her brainâs âdisabledâ category, my acquaintance had immediately switched to baby speech. Sheâd spoken very slowly, exaggerating every word, took her vocabulary down a few notches, and responded with overacted enthusiasm to every phrase that came out of Caleyâs mouth. At one point, she literally patted Caley on the head.
And, whatâs more, every few sentences or so, my acquaintance would look up at me with a bright smile and utter that damning phrase: âYour sisterâs so cute!â
Despite knowing that Caley was going to be coming to the Honors college next year, and therefore quite smart, upon sensing that vague feeling of disability, sheâd immediately downgraded her view of Caleyâs intelligence and maturity to that of a five-year-old.
And in this instance, as in many, this ableist-fueled demotion was encapsulated by one word: âcute.â
This is but one example of a deluge of such well-intended, but nonetheless offensive occurrences that Caley has dealt with her entire life. One of the first things that classmates, teachers, relatives, and random passers-by in the grocery store exclaim when they meet her is âYouâre so cute!â
Now, if being called cute was the only infantilizing scenario Caley and other disabled people face, I could stop this article right here. Unfortunately, though, itâs not â not by a long shot.
There is a long list of ways we unknowingly change the way we talk to and interact with disabled people that are infantilizing and just plain messed up. But since I canât list all of them, here are just the top six.
1. Talking to Someone Like Theyâre a Child (Or Worse Yet, a Pet)
Able Person: âDo you want to go to the store, sweetheart? Yes you do, yes you do! Awwww, youâre so cute!â
Disabled Person: âŚ
I get it. Baby talk is cute and sweet. And whenever we see someone that we think of as cute, sweet, and somewhat lower in terms of cognition or development, we may be inspired to use this form of speech.
How do you know if youâre saying something that falls into this category? Itâs pretty simple: If youâre using the same tone or phrases that you would use when talking to a baby, small child, or dog, then itâs not okay.
Another word of warning here: Even if youâre an equal opportunity baby talk speaker and use it with everyone, be aware that even if itâs not something based on your perceptions of a personâs âmental age,â itâs still something that, due to misuse by others, can be perceived of as hurtful by a disabled person.
While your intentions might be great, itâs more important to keep in mind the impact of your actions on the disabled person, rather than defend where youâre coming from.
When I was nannying full time, I did use âkid talkâ (not quite baby talk, but close) so much at my job that it rubbed off on my actual speech. So when I met one of my sisterâs friends with cerebral palsy, I made sure to tell her upfront of my recent adventures with kid talk. That way, sheâd know it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. And, of course, I still tried not to use it.
2. Over-Simplifying Vocabulary or Over-Explaining Concepts
Able Person: âLetâs go to the mall! You know what a mall is, right? Itâs that place where you buy things that you want likeâyou knowâclothes and games and stuff.â
Disabled Person: (rolls their eyes)
If youâre over-simplifying or over-explaining beyond what a person needs, that means that youâre probably underestimating a personâs cognitive abilities based on assumptions related to their disability.
Now maybe the person legitimately needs the explanation. In that case, itâs fine to explain!
The deal is, however, that your behavior in explaining concepts or choosing vocabulary needs to actually match what the person themselves needs, rather than your assumption based on false stereotypes.
Ever heard of âmansplaining?â Well, there is also such thing as âablesplainingâ â when an able person assumes that, simply because of a personâs disability status, they canât possibly know [fill in the blank] and proceed to âeducate themâ in a condescending way, as was happening in the example conversation.
Itâs messed up, yet many well-intended able people are unintentional perpetrators.
So if youâre one of them and want advice on how to change, Iâd suggest checking out this article.
3. Denying the Person the Right to Have Adult Speech Patterns, Habits, or Desires
Disabled Person: âShit! I accidentally cut myself with this knife!â
Able Person: âWatch your language!â
Censoring another personâs self-expression through language, habits, or desires is not okay no matter what, yet this is an especially common thing we do to disabled people.
For some reason, disabled people are often held to be âpureâ or âcloser to [insert religious deity here].â And when they act like the regular, down to earth adults that they are, people can be shocked!
More than that, many people will attempt to force them back to the standards of mainstream acceptability for their language and activities that we use for children.
But they arenât children. And theyâre not somehow more pure than others, either. Theyâre adults, and that means they have the same needs and wants as an adult would â including sexual ones. (Itâs important to note here, though, that while being disabled is not the same thing as being asexual, as in the rest of the world, the two can of course overlap.)
Swearing, checking out those you find attractive, and enjoying NC-17 rated movies are not the sole domain of able people. Yet thatâs exactly how many people act.
This happens most frequently when a person has a communication disorder and relies on technology to help them communicate. Their vocabulary is easily censored by another person â either through denying the option of certain words on their device, or taking their device from them when they say certain things.
Just the same way that you donât take someoneâs voice away just because they say something you donât like, you never take a personâs communication device away from them for that reason â or any reason, really.
4. Addressing Another Adult or Caregiver Instead of the Disabled Adult Themselves
Doctor: (addressing caregiver) âAnd how is she doing with these medications?â
Disabled Person: âTheyâre working really well, thanks.â
Doctor: (ignoring disabled person and again addressing caregiver) âHave you noticed any side effects?â
This is a real excerpt of a conversation that took place at Caleyâs psychiatrist appointment.
This is a situation that repeated for the first six appointments we had with this doctor. The doctor would ask me something, Caley would respond, and the doctor would ask me yet another question, which Caley would again answer.
I was hardly taking part in the conversation at all. I only did when I thought Caley needed support (the reason I was there). And I explicitly asked the doctor to direct her questions to Caley. And yet, she continued to act like Caley wasnât worth addressing.
In fact, the only times she ever addressed Caley were to fat shame her (see this article) and to tell her that she should be grateful to have a sister that was willing to take care of her as I was.
You can tell what message that sends: It says that Caley is so inconsequential, and her mental capacity so low, that she isnât worth addressing except to lecture.
The only case in which a conversation is acceptable to be conducted solely between two able people about a disabled person who is right there in the room is when said disabled person is an infant.
Otherwise, even if the person is non-speaking and non-responsive, you continue to include them in matters involving them as much as you possibly can. To do otherwise is downright rude.
5. Not Taking a Disabled Personâs Opinions, Beliefs, or Desires Seriously
Disabled Person: Iâve decided to convert to Judaism.
Able Person: Sure you have. (rolls eyes condescendingly)
Sure, not having your beliefs taken seriously is an issue that most people run into at one point or another, able or disabled. But due to infantilization, which is inherently related to not taking someone seriously, this is something that occurs to disabled people much more frequently.
This can actually be a big issue with far reaching impacts throughout a disabled personâs life. The ability to have your desires and beliefs listened to is a basic human right, and yet itâs one that is often denied disabled people.
For instance, due to her sensory issues, Caley asked the dental hygienist to avoid flossing her during the cleaning. The hygienist nodded, then moved right on flossing Caleyâs mouth anyways. Caley asked again for the hygienist to stop, and was yet again steamrolled over. The hygienist simply put numbing gel on Caleyâs teeth (which didnât solve the sensory issues) and moved right on flossing.
That didnât solve the problem, and she didnât ask Caley if she could do so. She just assumed that Caleyâs opinions werenât that important and proceeded to do whatever she, as an able person, wanted to do.
And if youâre thinking that these sorts of situations happen to every so often, youâre right. But hereâs where itâs different.
You see, Caley runs into this issue so often that sheâs begun only advocating for herself once â and then if sheâs not listened to, she just gives up, feeling itâs pointless to argue if sheâs only going to be ignored anyways.
Even if the disability is cognitive in nature, a personâs feelings are still their feelings, and they are every bit as important to take seriously coming from a disabled person as an able person.
6. Not Allowing Them to Be Independent
Disabled Daughter: âHey, Dad, since Iâve had my driverâs license for a few years now, can you help me get a car like you helped my brother and sister?â
Able Father: âNo. If youâre out on your own people are going to take advantage of you.â
Thereâs this idea among many caregivers that itâs too dangerous to allow a disabled person independence.
âWhat if their blood sugar drops at night and they donât notice?â âIf she starts dating, since sheâs cognitively disabled, the guyâs just going to use her for sex and then leave.â
As you may have noticed, the reasoning behind some of these is pretty offensive. And even for legitimate concerns, like the blood sugar, these arenât reasons to not allow a disabled person to be independent if theyâre an adult and independence is within their capabilities.
Whatâs more, the way well-meaning family members (and even society as a whole!) perpetuates this idea traps disabled people in a false sense of dependence â one which they may even begin to internalize.
Just the same as if someone told you that you were ugly your whole life, you would start to believe it. So the same occurs to disabled people told they will always be dependent on others. It destroys self-confidence and can actually lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy.
***
Iâm not saying you should ignore a personâs disability â itâs part of their life and definitely needs to be recognized so that you can give them accommodations.
But I am saying that you should treat a disabled person with the same respect that you would give an able-bodied person.
Thatâs all thatâs being asked for â a bit of respect. The only question now is, are you willing to give it?
I'm not sure who these people are who run this website, but they are a great source of figuring out what you're not allowed to say.
And at the universities, people's lives and careers are being ruined by these people.
And it will get worse as these people graduate and take job, because they will use these rules to attack bosses and co-workers.
I have already seen a law firm website declaring that it favors "diversity" and does not tolerate "bullying."
Donât Call My Sister âCuteâ â 6 Good Reasons to Stop Infantilizing Disabled People
December 5, 2015 by Creigh Farinas and Caley Farinas
Tweet
Share
Source: Everyday Feminism
I cannot call my sister cute.
Thatâs not because she never does anything cute. In fact, when she wears her frog beanie or hugs her plush dinosaur â things that would make even Voldemort look adorable â sometimes I slip up and I tell her, âCaley, you look so cute!â
And she flinches, as though Iâd just mortally insulted her.
And in Caleyâs world, the world many disabled people share, I have. Because words are weapons, and even the sweetest sounding ones can cut, can be used to demean and diminish those they target.
âCuteâ is one of the words that youâd never think of as offensive, but Caley would rather I used any other four letter word around her â any word but that one.
Before Caley came to college, I let her stay in my dorm room for a while to dip her toes into the college experience. While she was staying with me, an acquaintance came by and spotted Caley.
People can generally tell that something is âdifferentâ about Caley and often guess it has something to do with a disability, although they canât quite put their finger on what that disability is. This acquaintance was apparently one of these people, and when she determined Caley was âdifferent,â she adapted her own demeanor towards Caley accordingly.
When she finally left the room, I was left with a very odd sensation. Something felt very wrong and weird about the interaction Iâd just seen, but I couldnât quite label what it was.
After a lifetime of defending Caley from peers who meant her harm, verbally or otherwise, Iâd gotten pretty good at determining subtle undertones of anger, taunting, and verbal barbs. But try as I might, I couldnât find a single instance of any of those in her visit. In fact, my acquaintance had been very nice â even saccharinely so â to Caley.
Why, then, was I left with a bad taste in my mouth?
Finally, I figured it out: My acquaintance had treated Caley like she was a small child.
As soon as sheâd gathered enough data to dump Caley into her brainâs âdisabledâ category, my acquaintance had immediately switched to baby speech. Sheâd spoken very slowly, exaggerating every word, took her vocabulary down a few notches, and responded with overacted enthusiasm to every phrase that came out of Caleyâs mouth. At one point, she literally patted Caley on the head.
And, whatâs more, every few sentences or so, my acquaintance would look up at me with a bright smile and utter that damning phrase: âYour sisterâs so cute!â
Despite knowing that Caley was going to be coming to the Honors college next year, and therefore quite smart, upon sensing that vague feeling of disability, sheâd immediately downgraded her view of Caleyâs intelligence and maturity to that of a five-year-old.
And in this instance, as in many, this ableist-fueled demotion was encapsulated by one word: âcute.â
This is but one example of a deluge of such well-intended, but nonetheless offensive occurrences that Caley has dealt with her entire life. One of the first things that classmates, teachers, relatives, and random passers-by in the grocery store exclaim when they meet her is âYouâre so cute!â
Now, if being called cute was the only infantilizing scenario Caley and other disabled people face, I could stop this article right here. Unfortunately, though, itâs not â not by a long shot.
There is a long list of ways we unknowingly change the way we talk to and interact with disabled people that are infantilizing and just plain messed up. But since I canât list all of them, here are just the top six.
1. Talking to Someone Like Theyâre a Child (Or Worse Yet, a Pet)
Able Person: âDo you want to go to the store, sweetheart? Yes you do, yes you do! Awwww, youâre so cute!â
Disabled Person: âŚ
I get it. Baby talk is cute and sweet. And whenever we see someone that we think of as cute, sweet, and somewhat lower in terms of cognition or development, we may be inspired to use this form of speech.
How do you know if youâre saying something that falls into this category? Itâs pretty simple: If youâre using the same tone or phrases that you would use when talking to a baby, small child, or dog, then itâs not okay.
Another word of warning here: Even if youâre an equal opportunity baby talk speaker and use it with everyone, be aware that even if itâs not something based on your perceptions of a personâs âmental age,â itâs still something that, due to misuse by others, can be perceived of as hurtful by a disabled person.
While your intentions might be great, itâs more important to keep in mind the impact of your actions on the disabled person, rather than defend where youâre coming from.
When I was nannying full time, I did use âkid talkâ (not quite baby talk, but close) so much at my job that it rubbed off on my actual speech. So when I met one of my sisterâs friends with cerebral palsy, I made sure to tell her upfront of my recent adventures with kid talk. That way, sheâd know it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. And, of course, I still tried not to use it.
2. Over-Simplifying Vocabulary or Over-Explaining Concepts
Able Person: âLetâs go to the mall! You know what a mall is, right? Itâs that place where you buy things that you want likeâyou knowâclothes and games and stuff.â
Disabled Person: (rolls their eyes)
If youâre over-simplifying or over-explaining beyond what a person needs, that means that youâre probably underestimating a personâs cognitive abilities based on assumptions related to their disability.
Now maybe the person legitimately needs the explanation. In that case, itâs fine to explain!
The deal is, however, that your behavior in explaining concepts or choosing vocabulary needs to actually match what the person themselves needs, rather than your assumption based on false stereotypes.
Ever heard of âmansplaining?â Well, there is also such thing as âablesplainingâ â when an able person assumes that, simply because of a personâs disability status, they canât possibly know [fill in the blank] and proceed to âeducate themâ in a condescending way, as was happening in the example conversation.
Itâs messed up, yet many well-intended able people are unintentional perpetrators.
So if youâre one of them and want advice on how to change, Iâd suggest checking out this article.
3. Denying the Person the Right to Have Adult Speech Patterns, Habits, or Desires
Disabled Person: âShit! I accidentally cut myself with this knife!â
Able Person: âWatch your language!â
Censoring another personâs self-expression through language, habits, or desires is not okay no matter what, yet this is an especially common thing we do to disabled people.
For some reason, disabled people are often held to be âpureâ or âcloser to [insert religious deity here].â And when they act like the regular, down to earth adults that they are, people can be shocked!
More than that, many people will attempt to force them back to the standards of mainstream acceptability for their language and activities that we use for children.
But they arenât children. And theyâre not somehow more pure than others, either. Theyâre adults, and that means they have the same needs and wants as an adult would â including sexual ones. (Itâs important to note here, though, that while being disabled is not the same thing as being asexual, as in the rest of the world, the two can of course overlap.)
Swearing, checking out those you find attractive, and enjoying NC-17 rated movies are not the sole domain of able people. Yet thatâs exactly how many people act.
This happens most frequently when a person has a communication disorder and relies on technology to help them communicate. Their vocabulary is easily censored by another person â either through denying the option of certain words on their device, or taking their device from them when they say certain things.
Just the same way that you donât take someoneâs voice away just because they say something you donât like, you never take a personâs communication device away from them for that reason â or any reason, really.
4. Addressing Another Adult or Caregiver Instead of the Disabled Adult Themselves
Doctor: (addressing caregiver) âAnd how is she doing with these medications?â
Disabled Person: âTheyâre working really well, thanks.â
Doctor: (ignoring disabled person and again addressing caregiver) âHave you noticed any side effects?â
This is a real excerpt of a conversation that took place at Caleyâs psychiatrist appointment.
This is a situation that repeated for the first six appointments we had with this doctor. The doctor would ask me something, Caley would respond, and the doctor would ask me yet another question, which Caley would again answer.
I was hardly taking part in the conversation at all. I only did when I thought Caley needed support (the reason I was there). And I explicitly asked the doctor to direct her questions to Caley. And yet, she continued to act like Caley wasnât worth addressing.
In fact, the only times she ever addressed Caley were to fat shame her (see this article) and to tell her that she should be grateful to have a sister that was willing to take care of her as I was.
You can tell what message that sends: It says that Caley is so inconsequential, and her mental capacity so low, that she isnât worth addressing except to lecture.
The only case in which a conversation is acceptable to be conducted solely between two able people about a disabled person who is right there in the room is when said disabled person is an infant.
Otherwise, even if the person is non-speaking and non-responsive, you continue to include them in matters involving them as much as you possibly can. To do otherwise is downright rude.
5. Not Taking a Disabled Personâs Opinions, Beliefs, or Desires Seriously
Disabled Person: Iâve decided to convert to Judaism.
Able Person: Sure you have. (rolls eyes condescendingly)
Sure, not having your beliefs taken seriously is an issue that most people run into at one point or another, able or disabled. But due to infantilization, which is inherently related to not taking someone seriously, this is something that occurs to disabled people much more frequently.
This can actually be a big issue with far reaching impacts throughout a disabled personâs life. The ability to have your desires and beliefs listened to is a basic human right, and yet itâs one that is often denied disabled people.
For instance, due to her sensory issues, Caley asked the dental hygienist to avoid flossing her during the cleaning. The hygienist nodded, then moved right on flossing Caleyâs mouth anyways. Caley asked again for the hygienist to stop, and was yet again steamrolled over. The hygienist simply put numbing gel on Caleyâs teeth (which didnât solve the sensory issues) and moved right on flossing.
That didnât solve the problem, and she didnât ask Caley if she could do so. She just assumed that Caleyâs opinions werenât that important and proceeded to do whatever she, as an able person, wanted to do.
And if youâre thinking that these sorts of situations happen to every so often, youâre right. But hereâs where itâs different.
You see, Caley runs into this issue so often that sheâs begun only advocating for herself once â and then if sheâs not listened to, she just gives up, feeling itâs pointless to argue if sheâs only going to be ignored anyways.
Even if the disability is cognitive in nature, a personâs feelings are still their feelings, and they are every bit as important to take seriously coming from a disabled person as an able person.
6. Not Allowing Them to Be Independent
Disabled Daughter: âHey, Dad, since Iâve had my driverâs license for a few years now, can you help me get a car like you helped my brother and sister?â
Able Father: âNo. If youâre out on your own people are going to take advantage of you.â
Thereâs this idea among many caregivers that itâs too dangerous to allow a disabled person independence.
âWhat if their blood sugar drops at night and they donât notice?â âIf she starts dating, since sheâs cognitively disabled, the guyâs just going to use her for sex and then leave.â
As you may have noticed, the reasoning behind some of these is pretty offensive. And even for legitimate concerns, like the blood sugar, these arenât reasons to not allow a disabled person to be independent if theyâre an adult and independence is within their capabilities.
Whatâs more, the way well-meaning family members (and even society as a whole!) perpetuates this idea traps disabled people in a false sense of dependence â one which they may even begin to internalize.
Just the same as if someone told you that you were ugly your whole life, you would start to believe it. So the same occurs to disabled people told they will always be dependent on others. It destroys self-confidence and can actually lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy.
***
Iâm not saying you should ignore a personâs disability â itâs part of their life and definitely needs to be recognized so that you can give them accommodations.
But I am saying that you should treat a disabled person with the same respect that you would give an able-bodied person.
Thatâs all thatâs being asked for â a bit of respect. The only question now is, are you willing to give it?
I'm not sure who these people are who run this website, but they are a great source of figuring out what you're not allowed to say.
And at the universities, people's lives and careers are being ruined by these people.
And it will get worse as these people graduate and take job, because they will use these rules to attack bosses and co-workers.
I have already seen a law firm website declaring that it favors "diversity" and does not tolerate "bullying."