Any Other Home Healthcare People On Here?

[Granny]

How to do you cope with it? I started with a little lady on her 100th birthday ... and she's now 101 and 6 months old. She was so vibrant when my co-worker and I started ... an incredible range of food likes. We fixed her 3 homemade meals a day - anything - cajun, Chinese, country, you name it. Judging from her collection of cookbooks, she and her late husband did a lot of entertaining in their day. She had such a wonderful sense of humor. When I would tell her how pretty she was, she would say something like "Phoey" until one day when she looked me square in the face and said, "That's horseshit!"

We could take her out on her patio to sit in the sun. Remarkably, she has some memory loss from time to time, but not really dementia and certainly not Alzheimer's. She takes no medication of any kind!!! But a few months back she took a downturn and is now in a hospital bed ... period. It's so hard. She rarely eats anymore and we're pushing protein and water. I would love to have known her in her younger years ... she has lived life to the very fullest and would probably be a fountain of information ... a voracious reader according to her son.

We know we're going to lose her ... but it's just so hard. Anybody out there who's in the home care area that has any coping wisdom? My heart just goes out to Bones and what she has had to cope with.

 

[Billy_Kinetta]

Not yet, but mine's approaching 90. Her head's fine, but the physical slowdown has just begun.

She will be kept at home, at whatever cost.

 

[Granny]

My little lady will be kept at home as well. Her son spares no expense.

I had another little lady before this one who had a fall at some point before I came on duty that day. I used to drop by to see her at her rehab place once a week until one day when she just wasn't there. A few months later she ultimately died at home ... which was where she wanted to be in the first place. It took me about a week or so to get over that one, and I still think of her.

At home is the place to be and that route seems to be a growing trend. I had a private care in a nursing home and I did as much as I could to help out the highly overworked CNAs. I used to go back to the nursing home just to say "hi" to some of the workers who had been there but are now all gone. It's a different place now and depressing as hell. It's basically a place where people are sent to die.

 

[Granny]

My little lady passed on peacefully this afternoon with her son, myself and my co-worker and our boss at her side. I came a bit unglued right before she died and went into the garage to get myself together and came back in a few minutes before she passed. Four months shy of her 102nd birthday. But she had a good life and lived every minute of it. She and her late husband traveled all over the US and into Canada on their camping trips; and she traveled around around the world on one of these friendship tour things. She was a very talented artist in her day.

Every night when I put her to bed I used to tell her to sleep good and have sweet dreams ... twinkling stars, butterflies, fairies and flowers, told her I loved her and I would see her the next morning. This afternoon I kissed her goodbye and told her now it was all stars, flowers, butterflies and more beautiful things than she could imagine ... and it was all good.

Damn, this is hard.

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

How to do you cope with it? I started with a little lady on her 100th birthday ... and she's now 101 and 6 months old. She was so vibrant when my co-worker and I started ... an incredible range of food likes. We fixed her 3 homemade meals a day - anything - cajun, Chinese, country, you name it. Judging from her collection of cookbooks, she and her late husband did a lot of entertaining in their day. She had such a wonderful sense of humor. When I would tell her how pretty she was, she would say something like "Phoey" until one day when she looked me square in the face and said, "That's horseshit!"

We could take her out on her patio to sit in the sun. Remarkably, she has some memory loss from time to time, but not really dementia and certainly not Alzheimer's. She takes no medication of any kind!!! But a few months back she took a downturn and is now in a hospital bed ... period. It's so hard. She rarely eats anymore and we're pushing protein and water. I would love to have known her in her younger years ... she has lived life to the very fullest and would probably be a fountain of information ... a voracious reader according to her son.

We know we're going to lose her ... but it's just so hard. Anybody out there who's in the home care area that has any coping wisdom? My heart just goes out to Bones and what she has had to cope with.

Funny you should mention it.
I've been trying to get my mother out of the clutches of my brother for the last two years.
He's stolen every dime she has and left the wife and I to pay for her last years even after I warned her not to trust him.
And with her dementia we have no hope of getting her will changed because the courts will rule her incompetent if she tries to change it,even though in her moments of lucidity she says she wants to leave whats left to her grand daughter.
She doesnt remember anything from day to day so it's a constant battle to get her to understand her oldest son robbed her blind and her only choice at this point is to become a ward of the state because I refuse to pay the 4k a month and screw up the wife and I's retirement after I warned her repeatedly not to trust him.
So yeah...I have some experience in the matter.

 

[Granny]

See a lawyer. I stayed for awhile with a little lady who had dementia. Jesus, she could disappear out of her house in less than a heartbeat - we had to constantly keep an eye on her. She had a ne'er do well son who lived across the driveway from her and who managed to get a couple hundred thousand of her money and when his sister living in FL got wind of it she took her brother to court and asked that the court make her the conservator of her mother's affairs - and that's exactly what happened. The sister has to account to the court (or other official) on every penny that's spent of her mother's money and I'm not sure what, if any, she was able to recover from her brother, but the will had nothing to do with anything. When the sister's son graduated from high school, the sister and her husband transferred back to TN and keep her mother in the mother's home with healthcare workers.

It's worth a shot even if you have to sell your mother's home and keep her in your own home. Or, even if the court would agree to put a lien against your brother's property and you had to wait until he tried to sell his property. She would not get adequate care in a nursing home - I can promise you that - and if she were a ward of the state, I hate to think what care she would get. There's also hospice care if your mother meets the requirements, and Medicare would pick up a good bit of the tab for that. My advice would be to at least talk to a lawyer who specializes in elder care and knows how to navigate that field. There is such a thing as elder abuse.

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

See a lawyer. I stayed for awhile with a little lady who had dementia. Jesus, she could disappear out of her house in less than a heartbeat - we had to constantly keep an eye on her. She had a ne'er do well son who lived across the driveway from her and who managed to get a couple hundred thousand of her money and when his sister living in FL got wind of it she took her brother to court and asked that the court make her the conservator of her mother's affairs - and that's exactly what happened. The sister has to account to the court (or other official) on every penny that's spent of her mother's money and I'm not sure what, if any, she was able to recover from her brother, but the will had nothing to do with anything. When the sister's son graduated from high school, the sister and her husband transferred back to TN and keep her mother in the mother's home with healthcare workers.

It's worth a shot even if you have to sell your mother's home and keep her in your own home. Or, even if the court would agree to put a lien against your brother's property and you had to wait until he tried to sell his property. She would not get adequate care in a nursing home - I can promise you that - and if she were a ward of the state, I hate to think what care she would get. There's also hospice care if your mother meets the requirements, and Medicare would pick up a good bit of the tab for that. My advice would be to at least talk to a lawyer who specializes in elder care and knows how to navigate that field. There is such a thing as elder abuse.

We're turning him into adult protective services today actually.
After two years of fighting we've had enough of his crap.
Every time we make some progress he gets into her head and convinces her not to sell the house he's in,which she loaned the money to him for the down payment and he's never paid back a dime.
On the plus side the house is in her name because he wrecked his credit so that shouldnt be an issue.

The main reason we didnt want to get the courts involved is because they'll appoint a lawyer and they'll bleed her dry.
The wife has a friend who is a family law judge and she advised us to use the court system as a last resort for this very reason.

The asshole brother told my mother that we want to sell her condo and the house so we can put her in an old folks home,which is somewhat true because an assisted living facility is really the only option at this point.

 

[Granny]

Good for you! I suggested getting a lawyer because I had a 25 year or so career as a legal secretary before retiring. I worked for some of the best and some of the worst. I was going to try to give it a shot when I moved to TN but the reality was that I knew it would be a really, really long shot at getting a job since I would have to learn TN law, etc., along with everything else - plus not being familiar with the local firms and which ones to try for and which ones to avoid. I sort of fell into elder care. The pay ain't shit for the workers (the bucks go to the agencies and we get a portion of the fees as pay), but the rewards ... you can't put a price tag on the personal rewards of doing for someone else what they can no longer do for themselves. I wish you well in getting something positive done by going to adult protective services. Give a post to let me know how it's going.

Elder abuse is rampant and comes in many forms ... and I wish to hell I knew who the bastards are that sell mailing list info - I'm told AARP is one of the offenders, but I don't know. All I know is that I get elder scam mail, emails, and phone calls from everybody on the planet trying to sell me every elder "must have" product known to man.

 

[strollingbones]

as one who has been thru the court system.....the guardian ad litum is limited in their charges...does you brother had the money to contest a guardianship? sound like he does not.....go for the guardianship of estate and perrson...then petition the court to sale the houses or house...

i mean damn i am an only and her siblings fought me for guardianship....they would have drained her estate dry...and not on her...i assure you...i would have loved to have kept my mom in her home or in mine....sometimes things just do not go that way....she is safe that is all i can do at this point....i see her briefly....she thinks i live in the same facility as she does....she seems me as that lady who brings her stuff .....she no longer has a phone which has been weird for me...what no calls starting at 5 am...20 or 30 a day....all hangs up...just try to explain caller id to someone with dementia...
i simply refused to engage in the battle for 'her mind' i am sorry....her siblings did that...feed her stuff about me....told her again and again that i was stealing her money etc and so forth....i account yearly to the clerk of court and carry a surety bond...she no longer ask about her money or her car ....some days she will ask about her house....but all that is fading...funny i never thought i would miss the mean ass smelly alien....she is clean now...3 showers a week....
amazing how the disease progresses and steals more from you with each stage....my mother has long been dead but now i am losing the smelly little alien....i fear the non responsive that i see.....i was telling grumpy about this yesterday....people i have watched just decline in the place....knowing she will end up in a wheelchair and sitting with the others...who just stare or hit or kick....no real connection with reality....and i fear that will be my fate one day

 

[strollingbones]

i am lucky her estate allows her a private room and she has a private aid 5 hours a day to take her out for walks....she no longer shops..it scares her to be out of her room....and familiar areas

people give me hell for the money i have used from her estate..pointing how rather coldly that i am spending my 'inheritance' i am not a 'waiter' in waiting for her to die....i will use her estate to get her the best care i can get her and provide the best warehouse i can....

and granny i could not do it....staying with someone like that for hours...

 

[Granny]

Bones, I think of you so much having read all the problems you have suffered with your mom. Alzheimer's is a horrific disease...dementia is sort of the precursor. I hope you will not have to endure a long stretch with that. There is no coming back and it can get violent before it's all over with. My little lady managed to stay with just some memory loss the last few months. My little lady had one bedsore in a difficult place - it just drained and drained and drained - the odor could knock you over. I told one of the hospice nurses that I watch a lot of CSI/Forensics File/Criminal stuff - the science itself fascinates the hell out of me. Why people commit crimes and think they can get away with it is beyond me with the sciences available to us today. But, I told her they mention the smell of death a lot and if that was anything worse than what I was smelling with the bedsore ... she said that was the smell of death. The pee/poopy briefs are smelly enough ... but this other odor is nothing I've ever experienced before. I've taken a month long leave of absence. I just have to get myself back together and my own well being back on an even keel - not to mention I have a list of to-do stuff about 5 miles long of stuff I need to get done. I've spent most of today tackling kitchen walls, cabinets, etc. that have gone undone for months. The dish washing and general stuff gets done, but the deep cleaning stuff has gone to hell in a handbasket.

Elders do need to be protected and it seems like you have done your very best under very trying circumstances. Hats off to you.