Forgiveness

[Cecilie1200]

I am currently working my way through some familial issues on a therapeutic front. I know "to err is human, to forgive divine" *even though I don't actually know where the saying is from*. And I grasp the concept of seventy-times-seven. What I'm having trouble with is part of that last bit. And I don't care if you are Christian, pagan, wiccan, atheist, I would just appreciate some feedback.

How do you forgive someone who doesn't want to be forgiven because they don't believe they did anything wrong. Essentially, I'm having trouble just letting go of them believing an untruth about me, no matter how many times we discuss the situation. Not only that, but they think I need to ask their forgiveness for something I didn't do.

The issue in question is several decades old but nobody has picked at the scar for some time now.

I've been praying, meditating - and pretty much posting here to avoid dealing with the fact that I can't seem to come to grips with this issue.

Forgiveness isn't necessarily about the person you're forgiving, and it's not necessarily dependent on their asking for it or accepting it. In your case, forgiveness is about reaching a point where you can let go of the hatred, bitterness, and resentment toward that person for your own good. It doesn't matter if that person EVER agrees with you that what they did was wrong. What matters is that YOU need to be free of the incident and to allow yourself to heal.

 

[Cecilie1200]

BD, I think you do have to forgive him. It may be a condition he doesn't deserve, but you deserve the peace of mind and satisfaction of knowing you honored your father whether he merited it or not.
It makes you a good daughter in God's eyes. You pass His test, and receive a blessing because of your decision to forgive. You get forgiven in return.

You're actions are all you are responsible for. Your requirement in the matter was to forgive or not. And you did well. Don't spend another moment letting your dad's seemingly less than stellar decisions usurp your happiness.

Your earthly father is slow to understand, may never want to understand, and may never give you what you'd like to hear. Sadly, and hard hardheartedly for him, not you, those are his issues to grapple with, and something over which you have no control.

You resolved your part in the situation with understanding and heart. The only other thing you can do is ask God to soften your dad's heart and heal old wounds.

Then tell yourself you are a good girl to your father, and your Father, and enjoy the day He's made for you in peace. ( I'd reward my good behavior with a new purse, but that's just me.)

Well, by definition, one CAN'T deserve forgiveness. The fact that someone did something that needs to be forgiven automatically makes them undeserving.

I realize this is a "Buffy: The Vampire Slayer" quote, but it's still correct and profound: "To forgive is an act of compassion. It's not done because people deserve it. It's done because they need it." And it's done because we need to do it.

 

[NLT]

- How do you forgive someone who doesn't want to be forgiven because they don't believe they did anything wrong.

- Essentially, I'm having trouble just letting go of them believing an untruth about me, no matter how many times we discuss the situation.

- Not only that, but they think I need to ask their forgiveness for something I didn't do.

Not only that, but they think I need to ask their forgiveness for something I didn't do.


... the proof is in the pudding, all three should be reconcilable - there must be an abstraction one or the other of you has that predetermined the outcome irregardless the actual event. - "it was after midnight", darling ...

any clues ?

.

/deep breath

Okay. My sister got pregnant when she was nineteen, and my parents adopted her son. Not legally, but they were mom and dad for the first 2.5 years of his life.

Then she got sober, and remembered who raised her. She went and got him back.

My mom is deceased, but my dad thinks I helped my sister reach that decision. I did not. I wasn't even in contact with her during that portion of her life, because of the drunkenness. This is something he's dredging up from the distant past for whatever reason, and I could almost live with it if I'd actually committed this 'sin' to begin with.

Never mind the fact that they actually were incredibly abusive parents, and I will never believe she made the wrong decision in taking her son away from them.

Apologies if this is a teal deer.

I guess he recovered from the "incident " from a few weeks ago eh?

Quote: Originally Posted by BDBoop View Post
It is scary to give answers when I know I am going to be judged harshly by some no matter what I say. SB, I don't understand why you expect logic from someone you just pronounced crazy.

I am going to speak my piece one last time. Whether I am believed or not is likely to come down to 'same as it ever was,' i.e., if you want to despise me, you will find fault with my actions.

Some of what I did Monday night was likely irrational. It made sense at the time, but not after the fact. I got a call that my 79 year-old father had been raped and beaten. I think my logic was "I don't know how to do normal now, so I'll just disappear." Only nobody just disappears, and I pretty much destroyed the door on my way out.

I thought I would be gone for weeks, because so much damage was done. I'm not back now. Not really. It's just that dad is sedated and they're trying to get him stabilized because he's suicidal.

Obviously I was 'wrong,' and I am sorry in a sense. But what happened here is nothing by comparison, and I can't be as contrite as some would wish.

To those who honestly cared about their posts on the porch, my apologies. I put it back and was duly warned that it would not be removed again. To the friendships I broke, I am sorry. Some of you mean more to me than some members of my own family. The only thing that makes as much sense to me now as it did that night was shutting off my rep, because I didn't want people repping me and not getting repped back, and not knowing why. I didn't ask to have it turned off until I received CK's assurance that I could turn it back on when I was ready to.

That is all.

 

[Cecilie1200]

I am currently working my way through some familial issues on a therapeutic front. I know "to err is human, to forgive divine" *even though I don't actually know where the saying is from*. And I grasp the concept of seventy-times-seven. What I'm having trouble with is part of that last bit. And I don't care if you are Christian, pagan, wiccan, atheist, I would just appreciate some feedback.

How do you forgive someone who doesn't want to be forgiven because they don't believe they did anything wrong. Essentially, I'm having trouble just letting go of them believing an untruth about me, no matter how many times we discuss the situation. Not only that, but they think I need to ask their forgiveness for something I didn't do.

The issue in question is several decades old but nobody has picked at the scar for some time now.

I've been praying, meditating - and pretty much posting here to avoid dealing with the fact that I can't seem to come to grips with this issue.

some things should never be forgiven.... simple as that. Just becasue they are family does not mean they GET or deserve to be forgiven.

you dont have to forgive someone to let go of it...... all you have to do is not let your past poison your present or future.

Actually, the letting-go IS the forgiveness. You can forgive someone for a wrong they've done you without being gullible enough to give them the chance to do it again.

 

[Cecilie1200]

Where do you draw the line at forgiveness? Rape, murder, stealing, at what point do you draw a line? Nothing? Anything goes?

Seems to me that if God can forgive us anything, then we should aspire to that, as well.

And FYI, forgiveness does not require allowing someone to escape the consequences of their choices.

 

[Gracie]

I guess he recovered from the "incident " from a few weeks ago eh?

I am so glad it was not just me wondering about that.

 

[emilynghiem]

And that'd be my daughter, for me.

I think she's the only one.

I'm starting to grasp the concept of repentance on that front. Because it's not actual repentance if the behavior just keeps happening. I think that's when it comes down to removing oneself from the person that claims the high ground but continues to offend.

Yes, and sometimes "removing" is where the forgiveness of the "entire situation" comes in. If we feel guilty or feel attached emotions towards this person or situation, we are not entirely "removed" from it. So there are added layers of forgiving both the causes that came before the situation arose, all the people in it including ourselves and whatever we did or didn't do, and the resulting emotions or consequences after. Forgiving it all and letting go.

[MENTION=31258]BDBoop[/MENTION] it sounds like you have worked through most of the steps and thoughts to let go already.

You remind me of Step 8 of 17 steps to forgiveness about availing ourselves
to all forms and means of counseling and therapy to shift from blame to healing:

ADHESIONS Messages for March, 2001: Worldwide Forgiveness Alliance: Steps to Forgiveness

I liked this link so much, I copied it onto my blog for spiritual healing, that has pages for "Steps to Forgiveness" and "Dangers of Unforgiveness" which also explains it well.
freespiritualhealing | Resources for Healing and Forgiveness Therapy

In case this helps you work things out with the person after you have let go,
I wrote out a meditation or prayer for uplifting and healing relations from misdirected blame.
I hope this helps ease your mind and let go of any other fears or negative emotions towards this person:

==================

"Dear Love:
In working through my own issues, I wanted to resolve and remove the conflict that has divided us and ruined our relationship. I sorely regret how much this has hurt you and me, where we both blamed the other for not admitting or apologizing for past wrongs.

Since I did not do the things you thought I did, I realize now either I must have done something else equally wrong or worse, for you to be so hurt and offended, or something else went wrong to cause this. Either way, I do not want to cause you continuing suffering for my inability to apologize for whatever I did wrong which isn't what you think.

There must be something else, and for this I do apologize and am very sorry for the pain
and anger you have towards me.

I am more than willing to apologize, but it has to be for what I did do wrong, so I CAN take responsibility and fix it,
and not something I didn't. All this time there has been anger, offense and confusion between us, and I apologize for that as well.

I have been so deeply wounded, beyond what I can bear to forgive, I can only imagine you feel the same way towards me, and I am sorry!

I am willing to sit down with a counselor, or other family member or friend, to sort out what went wrong, and what I did to deserve this blame.

If there was some mistake, on my part or yours, I would rather forgive that then continue this hurtful path of both of us suffering and losing our relationship over it.

Can we please agree to ask help for correction, healing and forgiveness of whatever went wrong,
whatever I did or didn't do which I should have resolved so it didn't lead to this.

I am very sorry for everything that went wrong between us.
I value you and our relationship, and want to do whatever it takes
to make things right again.

Thank you and I will continue to keep this in my prayers
so that all the ill will and upset between us is resolved
and healed, and this burden removed from our relationship.

Yours truly,
With love and respect"

 

[BDBoop]

That was beautiful, [MENTION=22295]emilynghiem[/MENTION] - thank you.

 

[Billo_Really]

I am currently working my way through some familial issues on a therapeutic front. I know "to err is human, to forgive divine" *even though I don't actually know where the saying is from*. And I grasp the concept of seventy-times-seven. What I'm having trouble with is part of that last bit. And I don't care if you are Christian, pagan, wiccan, atheist, I would just appreciate some feedback.

How do you forgive someone who doesn't want to be forgiven because they don't believe they did anything wrong. Essentially, I'm having trouble just letting go of them believing an untruth about me, no matter how many times we discuss the situation. Not only that, but they think I need to ask their forgiveness for something I didn't do.

The issue in question is several decades old but nobody has picked at the scar for some time now.

I've been praying, meditating - and pretty much posting here to avoid dealing with the fact that I can't seem to come to grips with this issue.

When you forgive someone, you're doing that more for yourself,
than you are for the person you're forgiving.


Because when you truly forgive someone, you are basically shedding all that negative baggage
you carry around and drag up every time that persons name (or image) comes into your brain.

 

[Chuckt]

Where do you draw the line at forgiveness? Rape, murder, stealing, at what point do you draw a line? Nothing? Anything goes?

Why do you equate forgiveness with tolerance or approval of something bad?

Forgiveness is the act of untying your personal ego and pain from some harm that was done to you, and moving on.

It's the choice to heal, rather than to cling to injury.

Actions still have consequences. Those consequences are separate and apart from the act of forgiveness.

I think some people confuse forgiveness with restoration.

 

[BDBoop]

Final answer.