How would you handle this dilemma regarding a daughter's confiscated cell phone?

[goldcatt]

Bottom line, do you suspect she's up to something more serious than being 14 and thinking it's gross for Dad to know what she jabbers about with her little girlfriends?

Only you know what you may or may not think is on that phone - or in her room, her backpack, etc. If you think it's serious enough to risk alienating her to uncover it and put a stop to it before it gets out of hand then spying and snooping isn't something to avoid, it's your job.

If not, this is normal teenage girl behavior. Set the rules up front about what you must know and how much access she must give you and enforce those rules, but you need to walk a fine line between being involved and letting her have space to mature. Tough call, dad. Good luck.

 

[SmarterThanHick]

Do you monitor your daughter's activities on your home computer? If not, why not? I think that is a parent's responsibility. Same thing with the cell phone. You should not disregard your daughter's activities under the guise of "allowing her privacy."

What?! People, this is not simply an opinion on parenting. If you look at the published research on this topic, it's very clear that invasion of privacy of an adolescent is a very bad thing. It has been clearly shown to predispose the teenager to worse school grades, increased conflict at home, and an increased likelihood of anxiety and depressive symptoms. I repeat: this is not opinion, but rather well studied cross cultural FACT.

Being overbearing regarding BEHAVIOR can be a helpful thing. In this case, the girl knew she should have called, and accepted a perfectly legitimate punishment of losing phone privileges. But being intrusive into privacy should be avoided unless there is exceedingly high suspicion that a large intervention is needed, and even then handled with care.

 

[iamwhatiseem]

I'm trying to establish better communication with my 14 yr old daughter, my youngest and last child. She's fallen down on the job, as she's starting to spread her wings in her first year of High School. She's a great kid, strong-willed, highly intelligent, plays soccer, responsible student, and very pretty, blue-eyed blond adorable.

So, because of the fact that she failed to get approval for going to her friend's house after school, I took her phone away for one week. I could have imposed a harsher judgement but chose to be rational and not over react.

She's taken it well, we had a good talk about. The only thing is, I looked at her phone, and she's put a lock code on it, so I can't check it out to see what she's been up to. I feel that this is a continuation of her tendency toward secrecy. I'm sure she would be concerned about her privacy.

So, I can either take the phone to the closest U.S cellular technician who has the ability to retrieve the code (60+ miles away), without my daughter knowing I was snooping, or else I can tell my daughter that I want the code. The third option is to continue to allow her to keep her privacy. I've never thought of snooping before.

The issue with these cellphones is that, unlike earlier times when all calls came to the house, and parents knew who was contacting their child, these days it's much harder for parents to keep tabs on their child.

Ok...you own the phone and the account it is under.
You can go online any time you want and see exactly who she is contacting/and who is contacting her...and how often and how long.

First and foremost all parents should remove the ability to take/send/receive photos. Kids shouldn't even be allowed to text until they are in high school, and if they abuse that - not even then.
And then there is face book. A parent should absolutely insist on knowing their child's password, and be able to check it - and then do check it.

"Freedom" can be a very dangerous thing...especially if your daughter is attractive.
My daughter is now 20 years old. But when she was in high school I watched everything - everything. It isn't spying, it is caring and protecting - and that above all is your job as a parent.

 

[Middleman]

What bothers me is that, the phone wasn't previously locked. She locked it before I confiscated it. I had previously often used her phone to call my phone when I couldn't find mine.

So, she locked it before she handed it over. I think I will ask her why she did that.

 

[Middleman]

Do you monitor your daughter's activities on your home computer? If not, why not? I think that is a parent's responsibility. Same thing with the cell phone. You should not disregard your daughter's activities under the guise of "allowing her privacy."

What?! People, this is not simply an opinion on parenting. If you look at the published research on this topic, it's very clear that invasion of privacy of an adolescent is a very bad thing. It has been clearly shown to predispose the teenager to worse school grades, increased conflict at home, and an increased likelihood of anxiety and depressive symptoms. I repeat: this is not opinion, but rather well studied cross cultural FACT.

Being overbearing regarding BEHAVIOR can be a helpful thing. In this case, the girl knew she should have called, and accepted a perfectly legitimate punishment of losing phone privileges. But being intrusive into privacy should be avoided unless there is exceedingly high suspicion that a large intervention is needed, and even then handled with care.

Do you have any links to share citing these studies? I'd be interested in reading them.

 

[Samson]

I'm trying to establish better communication with my 14 yr old daughter, my youngest and last child. She's fallen down on the job, as she's starting to spread her wings in her first year of High School. She's a great kid, strong-willed, highly intelligent, plays soccer, responsible student, and very pretty, blue-eyed blond adorable.

So, because of the fact that she failed to get approval for going to her friend's house after school, I took her phone away for one week. I could have imposed a harsher judgement but chose to be rational and not over react.

She's taken it well, we had a good talk about. The only thing is, I looked at her phone, and she's put a lock code on it, so I can't check it out to see what she's been up to. I feel that this is a continuation of her tendency toward secrecy. I'm sure she would be concerned about her privacy.

So, I can either take the phone to the closest U.S cellular technician who has the ability to retrieve the code, without my daughter knowing I was snooping, or else I can tell my daughter that I want the code. The third option is to continue to allow her to keep her privacy. I've never thought of snooping before.

The issue with these cellphones is that, unlike earlier times when all calls came to the house, and parents knew who was contacting their child, these days it's much harder for parents to keep tabs on their child.

Unless you have reason to think she's in danger or doing something very bad, stop.

She's at the age that she wants to appear secretive, it's part of separating. ....

Ditto what Annie said.

 

[AllieBaba]

Kids that age get to have no secrets, sorry. It's one of the painful truths of life and is one of the primary reason they start to think about leaving the nest. If it was always cushy for them, they'd never leave, and there where would we be?

I'm all for taking action immediately. Tell her you get the code, or she doesn't get that phone or any phone, ever. As I told my boys many, many times...you own nothing but by my grace, you have no privacy except by my grace, and I am the queen of the world as far as you are concerned. I can and will look in your room at will, I can and will contact your friends and their parents if I want to or need to, and I will know where you are and who you're talking to, or I will find out and it will be very embarassing for everyone involved (except me).

It's a hard lesson for adolsescents but they have to learn it. Don't be mean about it, don't get angry, just be matter of fact and straight. Sorry, this is the way it is. I won't abuse the privilege, but even if I did, it doesn't matter because I'm the parent and you are just a little fledgling person who has to prove she can make it in the real world, and who will be obeying my laws until such time as graduation and college. And even after, to a point.

The phone is a safety issue. Don't sit on it. Girls are particularly vulnerable. There are a couple of ways to do it..get the code and check it out but don't comment on anything unless it is really disturbing. Or you can require her to use the code without telling you what it is, and sit with her and check her phone out. Discuss whatever is questionable right there and then, and let her keep her code. Just make her open her phone to you at random times.

My boys didn't have cell phones, thank goodness, but I did arbitrarily search their rooms, which infuriated them but they got over it. I never found anything, I don't think. I might have found a gun once (we had guns...I had a gun safe and kept the key so that gun went into the safe and I kept the key). I found interesting notes from girls which I did read but never commented on.

 

[iamwhatiseem]

What bothers me is that, the phone wasn't previously locked. She locked it before I confiscated it. I had previously often used her phone to call my phone when I couldn't find mine.

So, she locked it before she handed it over. I think I will ask her why she did that.

For the most part she most likely locked it out of a desire of privacy than a need to hide something from you.
It isn't important that a parent can read the texts, in fact that would be strange. What is important that you know who your daughter associates with, and how often.
Don't worry about it - seriously.
-BUT- you might think about what I said about going online and learning who is the person behind the phone number that she is contacting/contacting her.

- EMPHASIZING - It is important to remember that teenagers and young adults do not have the ability to recognize danger like you can. They can be in a seriously compromising situation and be completely unaware of it.
Privacy for teens is important - as stated above. But it is not even close to as important than you looking out for her safety and well being.

 

[Big Black Dog]

One last comment from me on this subject. First of all, you are not your daughter's "friend" and you are not your daughter's "favorite pal". You are your daughter's parent and with that comes the responsibility to know exactly what is going on in your daughter's life, who her friends are, where she is and what her activities are. That's not snooping. It's raising your daughter in a responsible way. Too many parents are afraid to be a parent because they don't want to rock the boat or demand accountability on the part of their kids. As a result, instead of being pro-active, they become re-active. Knowing your child's behaviors, activities, and friends can prevent a problem before it happens. Keep in mind that your daughter is still a minor and as a result you are accountable for her actions and because of that she should be accountable to you. The only reason for "secrecy" is to prevent you from knowing activities. I would be very questioning if your daughter is secretive.

 

[SmarterThanHick]

And then there is face book. A parent should absolutely insist on knowing their child's password, and be able to check it - and then do check it.

Why? Is she having sex on facebook? Is she selling crack on facebook? What on earth do you hope to accomplish by knowing her interactions with friends? At best you can do what? Disapprove of the company she keeps? Do you really think that will stop her from seeing or interacting with those people? You're dreaming.

"Freedom" can be a very dangerous thing...especially if your daughter is attractive.

Wow. That's ridiculous. Attractiveness does not correlate to risky behavior as a teenager. If you want to prevent a teenager from doing bad things, TALK TO THEM ABOUT THOSE BAD THINGS.

But when she was in high school I watched everything - everything. It isn't spying, it is caring and protecting

No it's spying by the very definition of the word. You just make yourself feel better at night by believing it's protecting.

My boys didn't have cell phones, thank goodness, but I did arbitrarily search their rooms, which infuriated them but they got over it.

Research would suggest they actually didn't get over it. They might have forgotten about it, but they didn't get over it in the long run.

The only reason for "secrecy" is to prevent you from knowing activities. I would be very questioning if your daughter is secretive.

YES! Teenagers are seeking independence and therefore do not want others knowing their activities! This is a part of life! It's why you won't tell me your social security number, where you live, or where you work. Maybe I should "be very questioning" because you are so secretive?! NO! We all have a need for privacy. Intruding on activities does not prevent risk taking. It just pisses off teenagers and let's them know how to hide things from you better, and that you are NOT a resource to come to if they are in need.

 

[SmarterThanHick]

Do you have any links to share citing these studies? I'd be interested in reading them.

Sure, although I should warn you they're a bit wordy. Let me know if you want any translation. You may want to start by just reading the abstract at the top or jumping to the discussion section at the bottom.

Both of these were taken from the reputable peer reviewed scientific journal, Child Development. Each one is a pdf you'll need to download.
parenting1.pdf
parenting2.pdf

You'll find they support everything I've said regarding adolescence and privacy, and also contain a number of citations for further reading. Let me know if you have questions.

 

[AllieBaba]

Smarter, I am going to assume you are young and naive, and don't have kids. If you're not, you're just creepy.

Parents ABSOLUTELY need to know who their children are interacting with, in person, on facebook, on their phones. If they don't, they aren't parenting. Parents who don't monitor their children's interactions with other people end up being parents of Columbine shooters, or girls who kill themselves over bullying. You don't "opt out" of parenting when it gets complicated. You dig in and put on your big girl (or boy) pants.

My boys are grown men, and I'm on their facebook. Why on earth would I not be on my underage children's facebook?

Not only that, I think a kid has to be 18 to open a facebook page. That implies something right there. If they need my permission, guess what, I'm going to monitor it. There are all sorts of sick fucks out there, and kids are supremely stupid.

 

[AllieBaba]

Do you monitor your daughter's activities on your home computer? If not, why not? I think that is a parent's responsibility. Same thing with the cell phone. You should not disregard your daughter's activities under the guise of "allowing her privacy."

What?! People, this is not simply an opinion on parenting. If you look at the published research on this topic, it's very clear that invasion of privacy of an adolescent is a very bad thing. It has been clearly shown to predispose the teenager to worse school grades, increased conflict at home, and an increased likelihood of anxiety and depressive symptoms. I repeat: this is not opinion, but rather well studied cross cultural FACT.

Being overbearing regarding BEHAVIOR can be a helpful thing. In this case, the girl knew she should have called, and accepted a perfectly legitimate punishment of losing phone privileges. But being intrusive into privacy should be avoided unless there is exceedingly high suspicion that a large intervention is needed, and even then handled with care.

Bullshit.

The published research used to say that everything we do is motivated by sex, too. We went along with that for decades, before it was discovered that Freud wasn't exactly professional or even ethical in his research methods and the way he presented it.

It is not overbearing to establish rules by which you protect your children's safety. And going over phone records and facebook pages (it's also been documented that children are routinely targeted using these tools, btw) is not a violation of privacy. Facebook isn't private, for God's sake. And anyone can tap into cell phones. When it comes down to protecting my children from real, tangible, physical harm, or protecting their supposed "right" to privacy, thanks, I'll come down on the side of keeping them alive and safe.

 

[Zander]

You are her parent - not her friend.

Tell her you need to unlock the phone.

Period.

No explanation needed.

14 year old kids do not have the "right" to privacy (other than the obvious stuff like menstruation etc..)

She'll get over it......and she'll respect you for doing it.

 

[iamwhatiseem]

And then there is face book. A parent should absolutely insist on knowing their child's password, and be able to check it - and then do check it.

Why? Is she having sex on facebook? Is she selling crack on facebook? What on earth do you hope to accomplish by knowing her interactions with friends? At best you can do what? Disapprove of the company she keeps? Do you really think that will stop her from seeing or interacting with those people? You're dreaming.

"Freedom" can be a very dangerous thing...especially if your daughter is attractive.

Wow. That's ridiculous. Attractiveness does not correlate to risky behavior as a teenager. If you want to prevent a teenager from doing bad things, TALK TO THEM ABOUT THOSE BAD THINGS.


No it's spying by the very definition of the word. You just make yourself feel better at night by believing it's protecting.

My boys didn't have cell phones, thank goodness, but I did arbitrarily search their rooms, which infuriated them but they got over it.

Research would suggest they actually didn't get over it. They might have forgotten about it, but they didn't get over it in the long run.

The only reason for "secrecy" is to prevent you from knowing activities. I would be very questioning if your daughter is secretive.

YES! Teenagers are seeking independence and therefore do not want others knowing their activities! This is a part of life! It's why you won't tell me your social security number, where you live, or where you work. Maybe I should "be very questioning" because you are so secretive?! NO! We all have a need for privacy. Intruding on activities does not prevent risk taking. It just pisses off teenagers and let's them know how to hide things from you better, and that you are NOT a resource to come to if they are in need.

Obviously you are young. If not, then...well...I will be polite and not say what I am thinking.

Parents who "respect their child's privacy" are playing with fire and are therefore are putting their child at risk, and is therefore an irresponsible parent and failing in that important role.

- I repeat - Every parent MUST know that physically and chemically a teenagers brain does not recognize danger well, and poorly calculates future consequences of actions or inactions. In fact, most childrens frontal lobe does not fully develop until they are about 25. The frontal lobe is responsible for critical thinking, and making judgements based on future outcome - which importantly includes the ability to recognize danger.

It is unconscionable for a parent not to watch what their child does - and facebook/cellphones etc. are today a big part of their teens lives - and therefore your responsibility to watch.

 

[Middleman]

Do you have any links to share citing these studies? I'd be interested in reading them.

Sure, although I should warn you they're a bit wordy. Let me know if you want any translation. You may want to start by just reading the abstract at the top or jumping to the discussion section at the bottom.

Both of these were taken from the reputable peer reviewed scientific journal, Child Development. Each one is a pdf you'll need to download.
parenting1.pdf
parenting2.pdf

You'll find they support everything I've said regarding adolescence and privacy, and also contain a number of citations for further reading. Let me know if you have questions.

Perhaps you can provide a more accessible link than this one. I'm sure if the information you claim is valid, then it's widely accessible.

Do you, yourself, have practical experience as a parent? Have you raised a child to successful adulthood?

 

[AllieBaba]

I don't think Smarter realizes that there's a difference between reasonable privacy, and parenting.

Children need personal, physical privacy. It is damaging if you barge in on them when they are getting dressed, for example, or at night in their room, for no reason other than to invade their privacy. I think that would make kids feel embarassed and "unsafe". I also think there's a lot to be said for reticence...I will read my kids' journals if they have them, and notes they have in their pockets, and their facebooks and phones. But unless it's something really earth shattering or inappropriate, I'm not going to embarass them by saying anything at all about it. Then or ever. They get to have private time in their rooms, in their bathroom, with their friends.

But private time and privacy does not extend to technology that is the primary method sick fucks use to access our kids. They look for kids who have "hands-off" parents, and they exploit and abuse them.

 

[iamwhatiseem]

Just a statement...

No one "raises a child".
What you do...is "raise a future adult".
Knowing the difference, and what that statement implys is the secret to parenting in a nutshell.

 

[iamwhatiseem]

I don't think Smarter realizes that there's a difference between reasonable privacy, and parenting.

Children need personal, physical privacy. It is damaging if you barge in on them when they are getting dressed, for example, or at night in their room, for no reason other than to invade their privacy. I think that would make kids feel embarassed and "unsafe". I also think there's a lot to be said for reticence...I will read my kids' journals if they have them, and notes they have in their pockets, and their facebooks and phones. But unless it's something really earth shattering or inappropriate, I'm not going to embarass them by saying anything at all about it. Then or ever. They get to have private time in their rooms, in their bathroom, with their friends.

But private time and privacy does not extend to technology that is the primary method sick fucks use to access our kids. They look for kids who have "hands-off" parents, and they exploit and abuse them.

Well said

 

[editec]

How would you feel if your could have no privacy?

Somewhat violated, perhaps?

14 year old girls cannot and should be asked to share their private lives entirely with their parents.

I know and I am very sympathetic to the fact that you do not want your kid to get hereself into trouble.

But you've got to start letting go while they're still in the home, so that when they do leave, they've already learned some of the hard lessons they're going to learn (by doing dumb things) while they're STILL mostly safe because they're under your roof.