miketx
Diamond Member
- Dec 25, 2015
- 121,555
- 70,523
Here is the official timeline of those terrifying events on January 6, 2021:
6:03 AM β President Trump wakes up at his regular time and crushes his usual 45-minute HIIT workout.
6:30 AM β VP Mike Pence wakes up grumpy with a serious case of "the Wednesdays."
6:50 AM β President and First Lady enjoy breakfast of Sausage Egg McMuffins with ketchup.
7:00 AM β Mike Pence does his daily Bible reading in Habakkuk. Repents of his earlier grumpiness.
8:06 AM β Trump tweets, "Sleepy Eyes Chuck Todd has never eaten at Arby's! Sad!"
8:30 AM β Joint chiefs of staff sit down to play a game of Risk Legacy. Gen Mark Milley is later declared victor.
9:00 AM β Trump tweets, "They just found 50,000 ballots last night. But they won't accept the 100,000 I just found under the couch. RIGGED!"
9:02 AM β Trump tweets, "Why would a Sith cultist leave clues to find something he already knew the location of? Blade of Ochi was a bad idea. Terrible movie!"
9:37 AM β Rep Mike Nearman of Oregon performs blood ritual to summon Buffalo Guy from the Netherrealm.
10:07 AM β Members of Congress slowly filter into the Capitol building throughout the morning. Many of them are late due to nasty hangovers from the previous night's coke orgy.
10:58 AM β Proud Boys spotted discussing Eddie Bauer's Winter Collection with FBI agents while marching on Capitol building.
11:30 AM β Sen Todd Young is hassled by protestors for enjoying The Rise of Skywalker.
11:32 AM β AOC dies tragically in a coal mining accident.
12:00 PM β Trump speaks to his supporters at a rally next to the George Washington Memorial. During his speech, he claims to be taller than George Washington, a statement fact-checkers later determine to be "mostly true." He then suggests the monument should be renamed the Trump Monument "since I am taller and pointier, believe me."
12:15 PM β Trump says, "I know that everyone here will soon be marching over to the Capitol building to peacefully and patriotically make your voices heard" in a dramatic call to violence.
12:53 PM β Protesters rudely leave Trump's speech early to break through barriers around the Capitol building.
12:58 PM β Buffalo guy casts Divine Favor for +1d4 radiant damage.
1:05 PM β House Speaker Pelosi bangs her gavel to call Congress to order. She accidentally strikes AOC, who dies.
1:10 PM β Trump ends his speech with what experts determine are "fighting words."
1:45 PM β FBI successfully breaches Capitol.
2:13 PM β Mike Pence is evacuated from the Capitol building by Special Agent Jack Bauer.
2:19 PM β Grandma asks Capitol Police where the bathroom is. She later calls Capitol Police officer "a very nice young man."
2:24 PM β Trump tweets: "Just found out Pence liked Rise of Skywalker. Disappointing!"
3:13 PM β Trump tweets: "Guys, I was joking! Everyone calm down!"
4:21 PM β AOC dies tragically after strangling herself while trying to tie her shoes.
6:02 PM β Grandma finally finds a bathroom in the Capitol building after nice men let her in.
7:34 PM β Trump binges every episode of Mork & Mindy, as is his nightly ritual.
11:37 PM β AOC dies.
Bbee
Oh, and gas was around 2 dollars.
6:03 AM β President Trump wakes up at his regular time and crushes his usual 45-minute HIIT workout.
6:30 AM β VP Mike Pence wakes up grumpy with a serious case of "the Wednesdays."
6:50 AM β President and First Lady enjoy breakfast of Sausage Egg McMuffins with ketchup.
7:00 AM β Mike Pence does his daily Bible reading in Habakkuk. Repents of his earlier grumpiness.
8:06 AM β Trump tweets, "Sleepy Eyes Chuck Todd has never eaten at Arby's! Sad!"
8:30 AM β Joint chiefs of staff sit down to play a game of Risk Legacy. Gen Mark Milley is later declared victor.
9:00 AM β Trump tweets, "They just found 50,000 ballots last night. But they won't accept the 100,000 I just found under the couch. RIGGED!"
9:02 AM β Trump tweets, "Why would a Sith cultist leave clues to find something he already knew the location of? Blade of Ochi was a bad idea. Terrible movie!"
9:37 AM β Rep Mike Nearman of Oregon performs blood ritual to summon Buffalo Guy from the Netherrealm.
10:07 AM β Members of Congress slowly filter into the Capitol building throughout the morning. Many of them are late due to nasty hangovers from the previous night's coke orgy.
10:58 AM β Proud Boys spotted discussing Eddie Bauer's Winter Collection with FBI agents while marching on Capitol building.
11:30 AM β Sen Todd Young is hassled by protestors for enjoying The Rise of Skywalker.
11:32 AM β AOC dies tragically in a coal mining accident.
12:00 PM β Trump speaks to his supporters at a rally next to the George Washington Memorial. During his speech, he claims to be taller than George Washington, a statement fact-checkers later determine to be "mostly true." He then suggests the monument should be renamed the Trump Monument "since I am taller and pointier, believe me."
12:15 PM β Trump says, "I know that everyone here will soon be marching over to the Capitol building to peacefully and patriotically make your voices heard" in a dramatic call to violence.
12:53 PM β Protesters rudely leave Trump's speech early to break through barriers around the Capitol building.
12:58 PM β Buffalo guy casts Divine Favor for +1d4 radiant damage.
1:05 PM β House Speaker Pelosi bangs her gavel to call Congress to order. She accidentally strikes AOC, who dies.
1:10 PM β Trump ends his speech with what experts determine are "fighting words."
1:45 PM β FBI successfully breaches Capitol.
2:13 PM β Mike Pence is evacuated from the Capitol building by Special Agent Jack Bauer.
2:19 PM β Grandma asks Capitol Police where the bathroom is. She later calls Capitol Police officer "a very nice young man."
2:24 PM β Trump tweets: "Just found out Pence liked Rise of Skywalker. Disappointing!"
3:13 PM β Trump tweets: "Guys, I was joking! Everyone calm down!"
4:21 PM β AOC dies tragically after strangling herself while trying to tie her shoes.
6:02 PM β Grandma finally finds a bathroom in the Capitol building after nice men let her in.
7:34 PM β Trump binges every episode of Mork & Mindy, as is his nightly ritual.
11:37 PM β AOC dies.
Bbee
Oh, and gas was around 2 dollars.