When is it a good time to introduce...

[syrenn]

Be honest with your children, about what you are doing with your life, as it totally effects theirs. Personally i would wait at least one year to marry after you introduce your two families. There may be blended family issues you will want to smooth out before you tie the knot.

 

[RetiredGySgt]

Be honest with you children about what you are doing with your life as it totally effects theirs. Personally i would wait at least one year to marry after you introduce your two families. There may be blended family issues you will want to smooth out before you tie the knot.

Didn't you pay attention? According to the two "trained" professionals dealing with children and divorce, the mother and father should not tell the children about their new significant other, should not introduce them, should not even HAVE significant others for years after the divorce. They should live a life of celibacy for the sake of the children.

 

[Madeline]

Be honest with you children about what you are doing with your life as it totally effects theirs. Personally i would wait at least one year to marry after you introduce your two families. There may be blended family issues you will want to smooth out before you tie the knot.

Didn't you pay attention? According to the two "trained" professionals dealing with children and divorce, the mother and father should not tell the children about their new significant other, should not introduce them, should not even HAVE significant others for years after the divorce. They should live a life of celibacy for the sake of the children.

I can understand the impluse, RGS, especially the fears about the sort of women an ex will introduce the kids to. They are normal fears to have, but you're right....overprotective can be as bad as underprotective.

 

[syrenn]

Be honest with you children about what you are doing with your life as it totally effects theirs. Personally i would wait at least one year to marry after you introduce your two families. There may be blended family issues you will want to smooth out before you tie the knot.

Didn't you pay attention? According to the two "trained" professionals dealing with children and divorce, the mother and father should not tell the children about their new significant other, should not introduce them, should not even HAVE significant others for years after the divorce. They should live a life of celibacy for the sake of the children.

Yes i saw what they said. We have different opinions.

I would also go so far as to say to live together with the combined families to see how it will be in real life. It may not work, the two families living together,and give both parties pause to think if a marriage will truly work out or not.

 

[Angel Heart]

Thank you guys. I will take it slowly and be honest with my kids. Trying to make the best choices for the children while not loosing myself.

For those that think I'm thinking of only myself. I could just rip them away from here and move them all to California but I'm not doing that. I'm taking this one step at a time.

 

[Madeline]

Be honest with you children about what you are doing with your life as it totally effects theirs. Personally i would wait at least one year to marry after you introduce your two families. There may be blended family issues you will want to smooth out before you tie the knot.

Didn't you pay attention? According to the two "trained" professionals dealing with children and divorce, the mother and father should not tell the children about their new significant other, should not introduce them, should not even HAVE significant others for years after the divorce. They should live a life of celibacy for the sake of the children.

Yes i saw what they said. We have different opinions.

I would also go so far as to say to live together with the combined families to see how it will be in real life. It may not work, the two families living together,and give both parties pause to think if a marriage will truly work out or not.

There's no one formula for success, nor any guarantees. Do what you think is best for everyone, treat people with compassion and respect, and be fair to yourself as well.

 

[Madeline]

Thank you guys. I will take it slowly and be honest with my kids. Trying to make the best choices for the children while not loosing myself.

For those that think I'm thinking of only myself. I could just rip them away from here and move them all to California but I'm not doing that. I'm taking this one step at a time.

For my money you're a good Mom, miss. Crappy ones dun sit up nights fretting about these things.

 

[AllieBaba]

Unbelievable, some parents should never be parents so every parent should not remarry or date after divorce. I got that about right?

She already told you tools she was not going to introduce him till later. And then go slow. Further you dumb asses, she is asking for advice about it. And all you can do is tell her suck it up, forget about your life, forget about ever being with another guy, cause those poor kids , that she obviously loves and TAKES CARE of, can not accept reality that mom and dad are NO LONGER together and never will be again.

She has a right to happiness BESIDES just her kids. And the kids have no right to prevent that. GASP, one can actually be loving and supportive of their kids and have a partner in life too.

No, she doesn't. Spoken like a true male. Keep in mind that almost all kids who are killed by adults are killed by men who are not their dads.

Once you have a kid, that is your #1 priority. People who think they have a "right" to anything that puts the kids second are not only wrong, they're wrong-headed dolts. People don't have a "right" to pursue happiness at the cost of their kids' happiness.

Hence the argument for staying with the parents of the kids. If it doesn't work with that person, and you're truly a caring parent who wants the best for their kids, then pay attention to what the statistics show, and get used to the idea of single parenthood. Nobody you bring in is going to love your kids as much as you do, and to expose them to a series of relationships is not only a bad idea, it's fucking sick. Kids shouldn't have to worry about whether or not they are first in their parents' affections, they should not have to worry if they are going to be ousted from their special place by the next "daddy" or "mommy" that enters the picture (and their kids). They should not have to compete for mom or dad's attention, they should not have to experience all the ups and downs of their parents' sex lives, they should not be exposed to near misses and flat out bad choices of their parents. They should be nurtured in a stable and loving environment, where they don't have to doubt their place in the world, or stress over a new person in the house, or wonder exactly where they stand in their parents' affection.

 

[editec]

When is it a good time to introduce...

The new relationship to children after a divorce?

When you're absolutely sure that relationship has legs.

NOT before.

 

[Neser Boha]

Be honest with you children about what you are doing with your life as it totally effects theirs. Personally i would wait at least one year to marry after you introduce your two families. There may be blended family issues you will want to smooth out before you tie the knot.

Didn't you pay attention? According to the two "trained" professionals dealing with children and divorce, the mother and father should not tell the children about their new significant other, should not introduce them, should not even HAVE significant others for years after the divorce. They should live a life of celibacy for the sake of the children.

I don't think anyone said THAT. They did, however, say that it's a huge issue and that the kids will need time to readjust. It makes perfect sense - it's you who decides to get divorced - not the kids. The kids still love their mom and dad and having to deal with one of them being gone most of the time is a huge blow. The least you can do at that moment - since you already brought this on your children - is to take it as easy and as gently on them as you can with the next partner. If you rush your kids into such changes, you can expect them turning into trouble-makers feeling unloved and unwanted. I think it's easier to wait a while than having to spend a lifetime of dealing with consequences of it.

Nobody said that parenting is or should be easy. That is why having children is such a HUGE decision to make and should NEVER be made lightly. Once you have kids, you have to be prepared to sacrifice A LOT for their happiness - if not everything. That's just how it is. Of course, you shouldn't sacrifice your own happiness, but you will have to ALWAYS take your kids into consideration - no matter what. If you don't want to deal with it - DON'T HAVE KIDS.

 

[strollingbones]

you got 4 kids with this man? your worse complaint is ..he plays video games and is what emotional uninvolved.....honey hush......get off your ass...stop cybering and phone boning with the childhood sweetie...cause you really wont find that to be as happy as you remember...stop blaming others for your problems with high school sweetie..there is a reason that didnt work and it will not work this time....
and get your mans attention....you got 4 kids....you need to work this out...i really dont get this....you are a month out and left one man for another....you should never leave one man for another man....
you need some time out g/f....you need to really really look at this...the man already has another woman...you will have an uphill battle...but you can and should make an effort to keep the father of your kids....

fucking hide the headphones....and tell him its on like donkey kong...

you have just forgotten why you got married and had them 4 kids.....try to remember

 

[RetiredGySgt]

Be honest with you children about what you are doing with your life as it totally effects theirs. Personally i would wait at least one year to marry after you introduce your two families. There may be blended family issues you will want to smooth out before you tie the knot.

Didn't you pay attention? According to the two "trained" professionals dealing with children and divorce, the mother and father should not tell the children about their new significant other, should not introduce them, should not even HAVE significant others for years after the divorce. They should live a life of celibacy for the sake of the children.

I don't think anyone said THAT. They did, however, say that it's a huge issue and that the kids will need time to readjust. It makes perfect sense - it's you who decides to get divorced - not the kids. The kids still love their mom and dad and having to deal with one of them being gone most of the time is a huge blow. The least you can do at that moment - since you already brought this on your children - is to take it as easy and as gently on them as you can with the next partner. If you rush your kids into such changes, you can expect them turning into trouble-makers feeling unloved and unwanted. I think it's easier to wait a while than having to spend a lifetime of dealing with consequences of it.

Nobody said that parenting is or should be easy. That is why having children is such a HUGE decision to make and should NEVER be made lightly. Once you have kids, you have to be prepared to sacrifice A LOT for their happiness - if not everything. That's just how it is. Of course, you shouldn't sacrifice your own happiness, but you will have to ALWAYS take your kids into consideration - no matter what. If you don't want to deal with it - DON'T HAVE KIDS.

Read allibabba post above.

 

[Angel Heart]

you got 4 kids with this man? your worse complaint is ..he plays video games and is what emotional uninvolved.....honey hush......get off your ass...stop cybering and phone boning with the childhood sweetie...cause you really wont find that to be as happy as you remember...stop blaming others for your problems with high school sweetie..there is a reason that didnt work and it will not work this time....
and get your mans attention....you got 4 kids....you need to work this out...i really dont get this....you are a month out and left one man for another....you should never leave one man for another man....
you need some time out g/f....you need to really really look at this...the man already has another woman...you will have an uphill battle...but you can and should make an effort to keep the father of your kids....

fucking hide the headphones....and tell him its on like donkey kong...

you have just forgotten why you got married and had them 4 kids.....try to remember

There's a lot more to it than that... I left out a lot of details. Verbal and emotional abuse... And even physical abuse from time to time. I tried all that you recommended for 17 years. I can't do it any more and we're all ready split. I live with the kids in a good friends house. I will not go back to him ever again. He's not healthy.

OH and why we got married... I was pregnant... Nothing more. It wasn't due to love.

 

[Angel Heart]

Unbelievable, some parents should never be parents so every parent should not remarry or date after divorce. I got that about right?

She already told you tools she was not going to introduce him till later. And then go slow. Further you dumb asses, she is asking for advice about it. And all you can do is tell her suck it up, forget about your life, forget about ever being with another guy, cause those poor kids , that she obviously loves and TAKES CARE of, can not accept reality that mom and dad are NO LONGER together and never will be again.

She has a right to happiness BESIDES just her kids. And the kids have no right to prevent that. GASP, one can actually be loving and supportive of their kids and have a partner in life too.

No, she doesn't. Spoken like a true male. Keep in mind that almost all kids who are killed by adults are killed by men who are not their dads.

Once you have a kid, that is your #1 priority. People who think they have a "right" to anything that puts the kids second are not only wrong, they're wrong-headed dolts. People don't have a "right" to pursue happiness at the cost of their kids' happiness.

Hence the argument for staying with the parents of the kids. If it doesn't work with that person, and you're truly a caring parent who wants the best for their kids, then pay attention to what the statistics show, and get used to the idea of single parenthood. Nobody you bring in is going to love your kids as much as you do, and to expose them to a series of relationships is not only a bad idea, it's fucking sick. Kids shouldn't have to worry about whether or not they are first in their parents' affections, they should not have to worry if they are going to be ousted from their special place by the next "daddy" or "mommy" that enters the picture (and their kids). They should not have to compete for mom or dad's attention, they should not have to experience all the ups and downs of their parents' sex lives, they should not be exposed to near misses and flat out bad choices of their parents. They should be nurtured in a stable and loving environment, where they don't have to doubt their place in the world, or stress over a new person in the house, or wonder exactly where they stand in their parents' affection.

When you put abuse into it you can't stay. I couldn't stay... I had to leave.

 

[Mr.Fitnah]

You are planning on marring someone off the internet?
WTF.

 

[Mr.Fitnah]

you got 4 kids with this man? your worse complaint is ..he plays video games and is what emotional uninvolved.....honey hush......get off your ass...stop cybering and phone boning with the childhood sweetie...cause you really wont find that to be as happy as you remember...stop blaming others for your problems with high school sweetie..there is a reason that didnt work and it will not work this time....
and get your mans attention....you got 4 kids....you need to work this out...i really dont get this....you are a month out and left one man for another....you should never leave one man for another man....
you need some time out g/f....you need to really really look at this...the man already has another woman...you will have an uphill battle...but you can and should make an effort to keep the father of your kids....

fucking hide the headphones....and tell him its on like donkey kong...

you have just forgotten why you got married and had them 4 kids.....try to remember

Wow Dr laura

 

[High_Gravity]

you got 4 kids with this man? your worse complaint is ..he plays video games and is what emotional uninvolved.....honey hush......get off your ass...stop cybering and phone boning with the childhood sweetie...cause you really wont find that to be as happy as you remember...stop blaming others for your problems with high school sweetie..there is a reason that didnt work and it will not work this time....
and get your mans attention....you got 4 kids....you need to work this out...i really dont get this....you are a month out and left one man for another....you should never leave one man for another man....
you need some time out g/f....you need to really really look at this...the man already has another woman...you will have an uphill battle...but you can and should make an effort to keep the father of your kids....

fucking hide the headphones....and tell him its on like donkey kong...

you have just forgotten why you got married and had them 4 kids.....try to remember

There's a lot more to it than that... I left out a lot of details. Verbal and emotional abuse... And even physical abuse from time to time. I tried all that you recommended for 17 years. I can't do it any more and we're all ready split. I live with the kids in a good friends house. I will not go back to him ever again. He's not healthy.

OH and why we got married... I was pregnant... Nothing more. It wasn't due to love.

I have a personal question, if you only married him because you were pregnant, why did you have more children with him? I don't want to offend you but I am curious, it seems alot of people get married because the woman is pregnant but they end up having more children and becoming more and more unhappy.

 

[RetiredGySgt]

You are planning on marring someone off the internet?
WTF.

No, her high school sweetheart, do you bother to read threads?

 

[Gadawg73]

Wow! It didn't take very long for both of you to hook up with somebody new... Might not be a bad idea to slow down a bit and take some deep breaths. This might be rebounding on both you and your soon to be ex-husband's part. Your kids heads could be reeling with all the revolving doors.

^^^^ What he said. Divorce is hard on kids... it can take years for them to adapt.

Personally, I wouldn't be introducing some guy to my kids (if I had them) and announcing that I'm marrying the guy. Kids need to be able to build a relationship with him before big decisions like marrying and shit.

OP seems pretty damned selfish to me.

Bullshit. Mom and Dad have lives too. What is selfish is kids that think they can dictate to their parents who they can and can not see or marry. And adults that think that is acceptable.

No more selfish than adults that divorce and then the kids see one of their parents leave from the home they live in.
You need to see it both ways. If you don't then that is the bullshit.
Adults that do not include the feelings and feel the pain that their own children have after a divorce will end up having ANOTHER divorce very soon after the first one.
Kids are part of the family and theor feelings have longer term effects on their well being than any adult.
Adults should learn to discipline themselves accordingly.
They have excuses and they are the ones that are selfish. That is the problem, not kids attempting to dictate anything.

 

[Intense]

Thank you guys. I will take it slowly and be honest with my kids. Trying to make the best choices for the children while not loosing myself.

For those that think I'm thinking of only myself. I could just rip them away from here and move them all to California but I'm not doing that. I'm taking this one step at a time.

If you are going to commit to anything, commit to one step at a time. Drop the time table, drop the preconceived notions. Deal with what pop's up, when the field is clear move to the next level. If you find there are difficulties that cannot be overcome, marriage is not going to make those issues disappear.