Man Sends Wife Spreadsheet Of All Her Excuses Not To Have Sex

[Pogo]

True, but neither should communication. She's clearly got some sort of issue if she's saying, "No" so much, so why isn't SHE being proactive about it? Why doesn't she TELL him what the fucking problem is? Get some therapy? Something?

They're both 26 years old. Clearly they don't have the communication thing down yet.

Yeah, I think that's painfully obvious. I really would like to hear more about what preceded this.

Exactly, all we have is an Excel doc. Which as noted before in his defense, for all we know his doing that may have been a sarcastic comment on her habit of left-braining sex. We just don't know.

 

[Cecilie1200]

He may or may not be the problem; most likely he would not be the whole problem. They have issues though. It is ridiculous to think that if your wife refuses to have sex with you 27 times, one day after another, that it is her that is the problem. You have to ask yourself why she doesn't want to do something she should enjoy and look forward to.

So, to ask your question but in reverse: explain why she is the problem?

Because SHE is the one refusing to fulfill her marital obligations, not him. Now, it's true that he might not be inspiring her to want to, but it's still a fact that SHE is the one whose failure is the most obvious on the surface.

Actually we don't know that, as we only have his side of the story. Do we go into court, let the jury hear one side and then send them off to deliberate?

Well, as a matter of fact, that probably IS where this marriage is going to end up, although divorce cases are not decided by juries.

And I don't think she's ever actually argued that she DIDN'T say "No" all those times, which - sorry, but it's true - IS a failure on her part.

I'd imagine that, like most marital problems, this has two sides to it. But while I think perhaps this isn't the best approach to take, it seems like he is at least trying to communicate about the problem.

Clearly there are two sides, as in anything. But if you consider left-braining sex into an Excel doc, clicking Attach to e-mail and then cutting off communication amounts to "trying to communicate", you just ain't reading between the lines.

I consider it trying to communicate, although I also consider it an epic fail in that department.

 

[Cecilie1200]

And wifey is the one that posted the spreadsheet.

So she wanted people to know she was frigid and a bad wife? Weird.

Again, that depends. Some of us see the contents of the spreadsheet as the point. Those who look a little deeper see the idea of making it into a spreadsheet as the point.

I see getting to the place where this sort of thing happens at all as the point.

 

[Cecilie1200]

So she wanted people to know she was frigid and a bad wife? Weird.

Again, that depends. Some of us see the contents of the spreadsheet as the point. Those who look a little deeper see the idea of making it into a spreadsheet as the point.

I can see both sides of it. Perhaps it could have been expressed better, but the man was trying to point out how often his advances were spurned (often for bogus reasons).

That said, I wonder about their life together. I had a friend some years ago who complained about never getting laid. I knew him and knew that he and his wife both worked, but he expected her to make dinner and clean up afterwards, while he sat in front of the tv with a beer.

I made him a bet that if he cleared the table and did the dishes, he would get laid. He thought he was going to win $50. But he showed up the next morning with a big smile on his face.

Which is why I'd really like to know more about what preceded this. For certain the guy didn't just out of the blue start keeping a record. Something led up to it and prompted him to do so.

 

[Pogo]

Because SHE is the one refusing to fulfill her marital obligations, not him. Now, it's true that he might not be inspiring her to want to, but it's still a fact that SHE is the one whose failure is the most obvious on the surface.

Actually we don't know that, as we only have his side of the story. Do we go into court, let the jury hear one side and then send them off to deliberate?

Well, as a matter of fact, that probably IS where this marriage is going to end up, although divorce cases are not decided by juries.

And I don't think she's ever actually argued that she DIDN'T say "No" all those times, which - sorry, but it's true - IS a failure on her part.

I know your tendency is to always blame the female but we just don't know enough about it to pass that judgment. Is she required to submit even if she has a good reason - which we're in no position to know? Again, not enough evidence. I'm just not satisfied to hear one side only and then go "string 'er up". Shades of Malleus Maleficarum.

I'd imagine that, like most marital problems, this has two sides to it. But while I think perhaps this isn't the best approach to take, it seems like he is at least trying to communicate about the problem.

Clearly there are two sides, as in anything. But if you consider left-braining sex into an Excel doc, clicking Attach to e-mail and then cutting off communication amounts to "trying to communicate", you just ain't reading between the lines.

I consider it trying to communicate, although I also consider it an epic fail in that department.

Clearly an Excel document isn't an attempt to communicate unless what you're communicating is a year-by-year trend in soybean prices. The simple rendering of sex into that form, just by itself, irrespective of the content, is a great big nonverbal
--- which is confirmed by his cutting off communication immediately thereafter. In that sense it is communication, but not a positive one; more like scraping the scab on the wound.

But we are agreed, there clearly are communication gaps here, and both share that responsibility.

 

[Pogo]

So she wanted people to know she was frigid and a bad wife? Weird.

Again, that depends. Some of us see the contents of the spreadsheet as the point. Those who look a little deeper see the idea of making it into a spreadsheet as the point.

I see getting to the place where this sort of thing happens at all as the point.

Exactly, touché.

 

[Cecilie1200]

Because SHE is the one refusing to fulfill her marital obligations, not him. Now, it's true that he might not be inspiring her to want to, but it's still a fact that SHE is the one whose failure is the most obvious on the surface.

Actually we don't know that, as we only have his side of the story. Do we go into court, let the jury hear one side and then send them off to deliberate?

Actually, we do have part of her side; she responded to some of the avalanche of posts offering advice on the site where she originally posted the spreadsheet. Here is some of what she had to say:

It's not normal. For the most part of our relationship, we averaged 3-5 times a week I'd say? Including a non-recipricated blowjob thrown in here and there.

A few months ago I looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw. I looked horrible naked and none of my clothes fit nicely, I had a muffin top. I've been trying to eat better and go to the gym ever since.
My weekday routine has been shower, go to work, get off at 4pm, go home and cook dinner, go to the gym, watch some TV, sleep. He's never up to have sex in the morning, and I never want to have sex after being all sweaty and gross from the gym.
He's totally guility of bottling up his emotions and then they come out in one fell swoop. Once or twice a year I'll come home and he'll just start in on me. But it's always been real issues, discussed (for the most part) maturely. Not this spiteful, childish stuff.

It sounds like this has been going on for some time ("a few months") and this guy is at the end of his patience. In any case, she corroborates the fact that she is refusing him and then rationalizes it away. Of course she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to do, but the act of refusing for lame reasons and not sharing the real reason leads me to conclude that she has as much of a communication problem as he does. And the "non-reciprocated" line tells me she may be a little self-centered as well.

Sorry, but I just don't have much sympathy with her. Yes, I get that she was having body image issues, and if she really did get off her ass and try to fix them, then I applaud her for that. However, a married person does not simply get to put the marriage and their partner on hold until they "feel sexy" enough to get back to them.

And it doesn't sound to me as though he was "bottling up his feelings" about the sex. Seems to me he was communicating pretty regularly on the subject. What part of it was she not understanding?

 

[Cecilie1200]

Actually we don't know that, as we only have his side of the story. Do we go into court, let the jury hear one side and then send them off to deliberate?

Well, as a matter of fact, that probably IS where this marriage is going to end up, although divorce cases are not decided by juries.

And I don't think she's ever actually argued that she DIDN'T say "No" all those times, which - sorry, but it's true - IS a failure on her part.

I know your tendency is to always blame the female but we just don't know enough about it to pass that judgment. Is she required to submit even if she has a good reason - which we're in no position to know? Again, not enough evidence. I'm just not satisfied to hear one side only and then go "string 'er up". Shades of Malleus Maleficarum.

Dear, I AM female. I don't always blame the female, but since making excuses is completely contrary to my personality, I think I'm in a unique position to comment on that side of things.

I'm not saying she's "required to submit". What is it with you people and the BDSM mindset here? I AM saying that when you get married, you are committing yourself to the happiness and emotional well-being of that other person. You are saying that your spouse's needs are as important to you as your own are. That means you don't get to just blow them off for long periods of time because you feel like it.

And the more I hear about the story, the less I think she had anything like "a good reason" for that sort of extended behavior. At the least, I definitely think they could both benefit from some intensive counseling.

Clearly there are two sides, as in anything. But if you consider left-braining sex into an Excel doc, clicking Attach to e-mail and then cutting off communication amounts to "trying to communicate", you just ain't reading between the lines.

I consider it trying to communicate, although I also consider it an epic fail in that department.

Clearly an Excel document isn't an attempt to communicate unless what you're communicating is a year-by-year trend in soybean prices. The simple rendering of sex into that form, just by itself, irrespective of the content, is a great big nonverbal
--- which is confirmed by his cutting off communication immediately thereafter. In that sense it is communication, but not a positive one; more like scraping the scab on the wound.

But we are agreed, there clearly are communication gaps here, and both share that responsibility.

Well, as I said, I did actually use a similar method of communication with my (now) ex-husband on a habit of his that was bothering me, because he simply refused to believe that it was as prevalent as it was. However, I didn't e-mail it to him and stop talking. I sat him down and showed it to him as a way of getting him to discuss it instead of dismissing it.

I have to wonder if maybe his e-mail was an opening salvo to "And that's why I'm divorcing you, bitch".

 

[Pogo]

Well, as a matter of fact, that probably IS where this marriage is going to end up, although divorce cases are not decided by juries.

And I don't think she's ever actually argued that she DIDN'T say "No" all those times, which - sorry, but it's true - IS a failure on her part.

I know your tendency is to always blame the female but we just don't know enough about it to pass that judgment. Is she required to submit even if she has a good reason - which we're in no position to know? Again, not enough evidence. I'm just not satisfied to hear one side only and then go "string 'er up". Shades of Malleus Maleficarum.

Dear, I AM female. I don't always blame the female, but since making excuses is completely contrary to my personality, I think I'm in a unique position to comment on that side of things.

I'm fully aware you're female; that doesn't preclude a prejudice.

I'm not saying she's "required to submit". What is it with you people and the BDSM mindset here? I AM saying that when you get married, you are committing yourself to the happiness and emotional well-being of that other person. You are saying that your spouse's needs are as important to you as your own are. That means you don't get to just blow them off for long periods of time because you feel like it.

When you assume the story of one side dismissing out of hand any missing evidence from the other --- yeah you pretty much are saying she's required to submit. "Here's his case; I don't care what your case is". As you already noted we don't know their backstories and undercurrents.

And the more I hear about the story, the less I think she had anything like "a good reason" for that sort of extended behavior. At the least, I definitely think they could both benefit from some intensive counseling.

We agree on the latter; we just don't have evidence for or against the former. There may be no good reasons, but then if there are, she hasn't articulated them (to us). That's not the same thing as their not existing. Perhaps he's abusive in bed, just to pick a random thought. We simply don't have that info.

After all --- you had a good reason, did you not? How would you have liked to have that reason dismissed before you could articulate it?

That isn't a "BSDM mindset"; that's at least a mutually agreed approach. This is more of an "innocent until proven guilty" mindset.

I consider it trying to communicate, although I also consider it an epic fail in that department.

Clearly an Excel document isn't an attempt to communicate unless what you're communicating is a year-by-year trend in soybean prices. The simple rendering of sex into that form, just by itself, irrespective of the content, is a great big nonverbal
--- which is confirmed by his cutting off communication immediately thereafter. In that sense it is communication, but not a positive one; more like scraping the scab on the wound.

But we are agreed, there clearly are communication gaps here, and both share that responsibility.

Well, as I said, I did actually use a similar method of communication with my (now) ex-husband on a habit of his that was bothering me, because he simply refused to believe that it was as prevalent as it was. However, I didn't e-mail it to him and stop talking. I sat him down and showed it to him as a way of getting him to discuss it instead of dismissing it.

Then you handled it far far better than he did, and in terms of (real) communication far more effectively. There's nothing quite so cowardly as tossing a specious rhetorical grenade and then running away.

 

[ChrisL]

Maybe the wife suffers from chronic depression or something?

Maybe the way he approaches her for sex turns her off? Maybe instead of coming out and just asking her (which is actually quite UNromantic LOL), he should just start touching her and loving her, you know?

What I mean is, instead of saying "come on baby, let's do it," perhaps he could take a more romantic approach?

We don't know that he didn't. And saying, "Well, maybe she has depression" doesn't excuse her. If her health problems are damaging her marriage, she needs to get off her dead ass and handle it.

Geez, maybe she IS handling it. We don't know her side of the story either, now do we?

 

[ChrisL]

Seriously, the only possible conclusion we can draw upon this little fiasco is that both of them are extreme attention whores, putting their personal stuff out there like that, and that both of them are VERY immature because they both handled the situation in an extremely poor and unproductive manner. They are quite obviously still children and not adults at all.

 

[Rikurzhen]

Seriously, the only possible conclusion we can draw upon this little fiasco is that both of them are extreme attention whores, putting their personal stuff out there like that, and that both of them are VERY immature because they both handled the situation in an extremely poor and unproductive manner. They are quite obviously still children and not adults at all.

Damn, your logical horizons are very limited. That's the ONLY possible conclusion that you can draw from this story? Even worse, your conclusion is wrong. He didn't release anything to the public, he sent that spreadsheet to his wife. SHE released it to the public in order to find moral support from the "You Go Grrl" crowd which she intended to use against her husband in some fashion.

Most men have had wives throw back at them the claim that a complaint made by the husband needed specific evidence. This husband simply recorded the evidence in anticipation of being challenged.

She's the attention whore, not him. She put her personal business out into the world, not him. She's immature, not him. She handled this in an immature fashion, not him.

All the blame lies with her.

 

[Gracie]

I didn't need an excuse. I just said NO and that was it. If he had his way, we would be doing it 6 times a day. Oh hayell no. About 12 years ago I said "That's it. I'm done". And I was.

(He was an alcoholic. By the time he finally got sober...it was too late. I love him..but I am not IN love with him. And thats that).

With us, it was the opposite. I was the one with the high sex drive, and he was the one who was usually saying, "Let's just cuddle." Now that we're divorced, he keeps wanting to get frisky, and I resent being put in the position of having to say, "That ship has sailed, dude." He's still my best friend, but I got over being attracted to him ages ago.

Mine never wanted to just cuddle. Cuddle meant "fuck". If he touched me, it was not on the arm, or a quick hug or a pat on the hand in passing. Nope. His hand always went straight to my breast to knead, or on my crotch or aimed to my ass crack. I was a slab of meat and nothing more. And when I did relent, it was not me he was making love to. It was someone else in his fantasy land drunken stupor.
His best friend (the bottle) destroyed what little bit of love I had left and finally it was enough to kill it where there was not even a spark.
We are remarried. But we are just roommates. He is my best friend. Like my brother. If he wants sex....he knows he can go anywhere he wants to get it and I won't give a damn. Only rules I have are....don't bring her home and if he wants something more serious with whomever, TELL ME so I can make arrangements to leave. He has not brought anyone home....and he said he doesn't want me to leave. So...here I am.

 

[Gracie]

And....all those excuses on the spreadsheet? Sounds like mine. Until I had enough and just said NO.
I feel for that lady. Things must be really bad for her to post it herself. Maybe she just flat has nobody to talk to about it and that's why she did post it.

 

[Slyhunter]

And....all those excuses on the spreadsheet? Sounds like mine. Until I had enough and just said NO.
I feel for that lady. Things must be really bad for her to post it herself. Maybe she just flat has nobody to talk to about it and that's why she did post it.

She's a bitch, that why she released it.

 

[Gracie]

Yeah, and some folks thought I was a bitch too when he would announce what a cold fish I was, but they never saw my tears either.

 

[ChrisL]

Yeah, and some folks thought I was a bitch too when he would announce what a cold fish I was, but they never saw my tears either.

I'm sure you had good reasons for taking the actions you took. Some guys who hate women will always just blame the woman no matter what the circumstances.

 

[Sgt_Gath]

Yeah, and some folks thought I was a bitch too when he would announce what a cold fish I was, but they never saw my tears either.

She hasn't claimed any actual wrong doing on his part, however. Even in her own words, it all basically seems to boil down to "I feel fat, gross, and tired, so I'm not in the mood."

Maybe she should be happy that he obviously doesn't feel the same way?

 

[ChrisL]

Yeah, and some folks thought I was a bitch too when he would announce what a cold fish I was, but they never saw my tears either.

She hasn't claimed any actual wrong doing on his part, however. Even in her own words, it all basically seems to boil down to "I feel fat, gross, and tired, so I'm not in the mood."

Maybe she should be happy that he obviously doesn't feel the same way?

Well, maybe they just aren't compatible and neither of them are bitches. Anyway, she probably should not have publicized everything. That was rather silly IMO.

 

[Sgt_Gath]

Well, maybe they just aren't compatible and neither of them are bitches. Anyway, she probably should not have publicized everything. That was rather silly IMO.

I certainly think it was kind of "bitchy" for her to post everything online.

In case, however, I agree that she's probably not with-holding sex just to be mean. There seems to be a legitimate disconnect in the relationship.

While I would say that most of the fault for that seems to lie with her (at least from what's been presented so far), I'm sure that he's probably played a role in it as well.

They need better communication on both ends, if you ask me.