Real time divorce from a Baptitist P.O.V. .

[earlycuyler]

So, 18 years married, 20 plus together led to a dear John email at 5:30 AM on November 17 th. This marrage was done years ago and, looking back on it. As a Baptist, and a moderatly devoute one I still struggle with it quite a bit. I'm doing great, but still, there are things I struggle with. My hope is that something I say here might help some one some place some time. Hopefully it may stop the divorce. I don't wish this on anyone. Its the most confuseing and painful thing I have ever gone through. Any way, here is some stuff,

Pray. Don't go chaseing after the spouse. That will sound insane, but really you should not do it. They left for a reason and you both need to cool off. You may have a thousand thoughts running through your head, and I can assure you that 99% of them are nothing but crooked thinking.

Feel the pain. Yep. Because no matter what you do you won't escape it. And I am not going to say praying is going to make you all happy and glowing. It may, but its not likely. Its going to hurt, and hurt bad. You need to take a bit, sit down and cry, scream, or what ever. Don't rush this. I promis that you will not die from it, even though you feel like you will. Take your time and get it out. Just recognise what you are feeling and why.

Reach out to your friends. You will find out who your friends are. The real ones stick with you, the bad ones bail. Do your best to not be that "divorsed person", but do lean on them. Your family to.

Accept it. We religeous people, Christians particulerly love to say how bad a divorce is, yet in many churches it is rampant. Even worse, there are the gossips who get all wet at the drama, or even the thought of the drama. Fuck them. They are fake Christians and bitter people. Keep your cool around them. Your smile will inflict pain on them and may even run them out of your church. Be busey with something. You will still hurt at this point, so you may need to stop what you are doing, and just work through it. It gets more easy every time. Be in prayer.

Starte being happy again. It will be hard. You will be off and on, but at some point you will function. During the whole experiance you may scheme and plot ways to get back in your ex's good graces. Don't. Work on you. Be selfish.

Accept it. Yes, all through it you will be or are likely plotting ways to fix the marrige. Don't. You won't be thinking right. Just take the time to be your self again. It will still suck, but it gets better I promise.

Protect your self. Sure, get out and make friends, but guard your self. In my case, there is a woman, she is willing to give her self to me, but I know I would not return the emotion. Matter of fact, I only want the sex. This is not good. If need be, take matters " into your own hands" but don't hurt your self again, and consider the other persons feelings. But don't run from those who care for you.


At some point, you will find your self makeing it through a day. Maybe even happy for most of it. You may get down, but it won't last. Pray, talk to your friends, and most importantly, don't let this mess define you, because it does not. If you think it does then you need to get back in your bible and read.


Women, if you are being abused, run. Do not stay in that situation. Run away. Get safe. You will go through all the pain and suffering I'm talking about, but do not let any one beat on you. You are all beautiful, and gifts from God sent to compleat us. You were not put here to be punching bags and doormats. If this is happening run, run now, and run far. Yes, a marrige can survive this, but the chances are not good.


USMB. There are members here, some who I have said disgusting things to. Even thay reached out to me when this started. There are good people here. Some of the finest. I thank you all for the kind words, and support and count you all as my friends. If you are ever in my town know there is a warm bed with clean sheets, a hot meal, and good conversation waiting for you. And if any of you find your self where I'm at and need to talk just PM me. I stay up late, and get up early. I will tell you up front, I can't take your pain away but I will listen to you. will be with you through it I won't preach to you either, and I wont judge you, but I do recomend going to God with it. Any way,thank you USMB, and those members who had a kind word for me when I was down. You know who you are. If I can ever do anything for you say it right now.


One more thing, keep your self up. Brush your teeth, shave, ladies do your hair and make up and all that stuff you did before. Remember, this does not define who we are.

Go with God USMB, and have a Marry Christmas and happy new year.

 

[Moonglow]

I've been married three times. I know the pain and the hurt of losing that which you believed to be love and a long lasting relationship. I worked even harder at my job with more hours just to help me keep from thinking about it.
There is no easy answer, divorce has been with humans for ceneturies and it is done for many reasons. All you can do is pick up the pieces of your life and carry on.

 

[Avatar4321]

I cannot comprehend going through a divorce. It would be like cutting off my right hand, just more serious.

I think your counsel is good. I would add a few things.

1) Work on forgiveness. There are bitter feelings in a divorce. I've seen it in my legal practice. You may not be able to forgive them immediately, but pray on it and work at it. It may seem impossible, but it's much healthier for everyone in the long run, especially if you have children.

2) Don't put your children in the middle. I've seen what happens when one parent tries to poison the children against the other. It's not good.

3) Find a way to get out in the community. Serve others. Find new areas to grow.

 

[JakeStarkey]

Great comments, guys. Most importantly, work on forgiving, yourself as well as others, and serve others by paying attention to their needs.

Hang in there, you seem on the right path, earlycuyler.

 

[earlycuyler]

I cannot comprehend going through a divorce. It would be like cutting off my right hand, just more serious.

I think your counsel is good. I would add a few things.

1) Work on forgiveness. There are bitter feelings in a divorce. I've seen it in my legal practice. You may not be able to forgive them immediately, but pray on it and work at it. It may seem impossible, but it's much healthier for everyone in the long run, especially if you have children.

2) Don't put your children in the middle. I've seen what happens when one parent tries to poison the children against the other. It's not good.

3) Find a way to get out in the community. Serve others. Find new areas to grow.

Right on. And don't be impatient with the kids either. Even if they are grown . The drama spreads all.aroind like stink. Get out of that, and keep them from takeing a side. Yjis hurts them to no matter how old.

 

[earlycuyler]

Oh, and eat when ever you can, and sleep is important to. Remember, sleep and food deprivation are torture 101. They are used to break people, so eat when ever you can, what ever you can. Bannanas for me. I also got a month worth of ambian from the Dr. Don't depend on drugs, but do get your sleep. Credit sleeping with a good bit of my ability to cope here. I'm already off the pills.

 

[Chuckt]

Pray. Don't go chaseing after the spouse. That will sound insane, but really you should not do it. They left for a reason and you both need to cool off. You may have a thousand thoughts running through your head, and I can assure you that 99% of them are nothing but crooked thinking.

I think that divorce shouldn't be in any married couple's vocabulary.

I think spouses should chase after the spouse.

Marriage is 100% / 100%. When people treat it like it is 50% / 50% then someone quits.

Couples should still go on dates.

Women should let the man come home and chill before talking to them.

Men should be more talkative to their wives when they come home.

Spouses should take the most important things that the other holds most important and work on them or some of them.

Couples should look at problems with their eyes half closed.

Marriage is not a piece of paper.

I think the dangerous part of marriage is when women have children and in a sense becomes a human pacifier for a lot of hours. Men drift because they see this as a time to do their own thing when the correct response is to spend some time together.

Isaiah 53:6 All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all.

 

[earlycuyler]

Pray. Don't go chaseing after the spouse. That will sound insane, but really you should not do it. They left for a reason and you both need to cool off. You may have a thousand thoughts running through your head, and I can assure you that 99% of them are nothing but crooked thinking.

I think that divorce shouldn't be in any married couple's vocabulary.

I think spouses should chase after the spouse.

Marriage is 100% / 100%. When people treat it like it is 50% / 50% then someone quits.

Couples should still go on dates.

Women should let the man come home and chill before talking to them.

Men should be more talkative to their wives when they come home.

Spouses should take the most important things that the other holds most important and work on them or some of them.

Couples should look at problems with their eyes half closed.

Marriage is not a piece of paper.

I think the dangerous part of marriage is when women have children and in a sense becomes a human pacifier for a lot of hours. Men drift because they see this as a time to do their own thing when the correct response is to spend some time together.

Isaiah 53:6 All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all.

Good points all, and before the marrage even happens it should be done according to what God says. Sadly, this is not always the case. There is also this
2 Corinthians 6:14 ESV / 19 helpful votes

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?

1 Corinthians 7:15 ESV / 12 helpful votes

But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace

When I married, we met and , Bang!!!!! Here we are all thees years later. Divorse sucks. It should not be a considertion, but it is.

 

[theword]

So, 18 years married, 20 plus together led to a dear John email at 5:30 AM on November 17 th. This marrage was done years ago and, looking back on it. As a Baptist, and a moderatly devoute one I still struggle with it quite a bit. I'm doing great, but still, there are things I struggle with. My hope is that something I say here might help some one some place some time. Hopefully it may stop the divorce. I don't wish this on anyone. Its the most confuseing and painful thing I have ever gone through. Any way, here is some stuff,

Pray. Don't go chaseing after the spouse. That will sound insane, but really you should not do it. They left for a reason and you both need to cool off. You may have a thousand thoughts running through your head, and I can assure you that 99% of them are nothing but crooked thinking.

Feel the pain. Yep. Because no matter what you do you won't escape it. And I am not going to say praying is going to make you all happy and glowing. It may, but its not likely. Its going to hurt, and hurt bad. You need to take a bit, sit down and cry, scream, or what ever. Don't rush this. I promis that you will not die from it, even though you feel like you will. Take your time and get it out. Just recognise what you are feeling and why.

Reach out to your friends. You will find out who your friends are. The real ones stick with you, the bad ones bail. Do your best to not be that "divorsed person", but do lean on them. Your family to.

Accept it. We religeous people, Christians particulerly love to say how bad a divorce is, yet in many churches it is rampant. Even worse, there are the gossips who get all wet at the drama, or even the thought of the drama. Fuck them. They are fake Christians and bitter people. Keep your cool around them. Your smile will inflict pain on them and may even run them out of your church. Be busey with something. You will still hurt at this point, so you may need to stop what you are doing, and just work through it. It gets more easy every time. Be in prayer.

Starte being happy again. It will be hard. You will be off and on, but at some point you will function. During the whole experiance you may scheme and plot ways to get back in your ex's good graces. Don't. Work on you. Be selfish.

Accept it. Yes, all through it you will be or are likely plotting ways to fix the marrige. Don't. You won't be thinking right. Just take the time to be your self again. It will still suck, but it gets better I promise.

Protect your self. Sure, get out and make friends, but guard your self. In my case, there is a woman, she is willing to give her self to me, but I know I would not return the emotion. Matter of fact, I only want the sex. This is not good. If need be, take matters " into your own hands" but don't hurt your self again, and consider the other persons feelings. But don't run from those who care for you.


At some point, you will find your self makeing it through a day. Maybe even happy for most of it. You may get down, but it won't last. Pray, talk to your friends, and most importantly, don't let this mess define you, because it does not. If you think it does then you need to get back in your bible and read.


Women, if you are being abused, run. Do not stay in that situation. Run away. Get safe. You will go through all the pain and suffering I'm talking about, but do not let any one beat on you. You are all beautiful, and gifts from God sent to compleat us. You were not put here to be punching bags and doormats. If this is happening run, run now, and run far. Yes, a marrige can survive this, but the chances are not good.


USMB. There are members here, some who I have said disgusting things to. Even thay reached out to me when this started. There are good people here. Some of the finest. I thank you all for the kind words, and support and count you all as my friends. If you are ever in my town know there is a warm bed with clean sheets, a hot meal, and good conversation waiting for you. And if any of you find your self where I'm at and need to talk just PM me. I stay up late, and get up early. I will tell you up front, I can't take your pain away but I will listen to you. will be with you through it I won't preach to you either, and I wont judge you, but I do recomend going to God with it. Any way,thank you USMB, and those members who had a kind word for me when I was down. You know who you are. If I can ever do anything for you say it right now.


One more thing, keep your self up. Brush your teeth, shave, ladies do your hair and make up and all that stuff you did before. Remember, this does not define who we are.

Go with God USMB, and have a Marry Christmas and happy new year.

Each person God created is different and so is each divorce that He planned during this age. Remember, God is the Creator of ALL things, not just the good things. This age He created to deceive man from knowing Him and His eternal plan for us so be patient and endure this age until your proud flesh has perished, then you'll never be deceived by your flesh again.

 

[strollingbones]

well being a pagan i have a different view..i have been married a while it is a lot of work.....i think as long as there are no kids...you can move on quickly...once you have kids....you really need to work things out if possible...but no one should be miserable....people change.....

 

[earlycuyler]

well being a pagan i have a different view..i have been married a while it is a lot of work.....i think as long as there are no kids...you can move on quickly...once you have kids....you really need to work things out if possible...but no one should be miserable....people change.....

So you know God loves Pagens to bones. That's all I'll say there, as.you are one.of those here that will have kind words for those who need them. People do change, but in many cases it still hurts. For me, it was not haveing a person to ask for an opinion. And my kids, my dog, my home all of it gone after 18 years. It brings you low. But you won't die from it unless you let it kill you.

 

[daws101]

my wife and I have been together 30 years...13 years married.
the time spent before the marriage worked out most of the kinks...

 

[Mertex]

Good advice. Divorce is horrible, on the couple, the couple's families and especially the children. No matter how hard one works in a marriage, the marriage depends on the both of them and if one is no longer willing to work on it, it will very difficult for the other one to try and keep it together. When it is no longer possible to keep it together, after you've tried every avenue, then divorce is the logical course. It will be hard, like you say, but there can be a rainbow at the end.....

God understands divorce, and it is not an unforgivable sin. Forgiveness is important, because so many try and get revenge and just end up hurting themselves and their children.

 

[Vox]

hang in there, earlycuyler, if there is a possibility to change the surroundings - do it.

it is a grieving process - over what you saw as a perfect marriage/relationship.

It might help to move to the next stage if you just digest the reality that the other person moved on because he/she does not love you anymore( this is the most difficult thing to believe in suddenly falling apart relationships)
And if they do not( and they have all the right to do so) - why the heck should YOU love them?!?

 

[earlycuyler]

Good advice. Divorce is horrible, on the couple, the couple's families and especially the children. No matter how hard one works in a marriage, the marriage depends on the both of them and if one is no longer willing to work on it, it will very difficult for the other one to try and keep it together. When it is no longer possible to keep it together, after you've tried every avenue, then divorce is the logical course. It will be hard, like you say, but there can be a rainbow at the end.....

God understands divorce, and it is not an unforgivable sin. Forgiveness is important, because so many try and get revenge and just end up hurting themselves and their children.

True 100%. I'm already seeing my rainbow. No, not another woman, but me. Who I was 20 years ago. And I have some stuff to work on.

 

[earlycuyler]

hang in there, earlycuyler, if there is a possibility to change the surroundings - do it.

it is a grieving process - over what you saw as a perfect marriage/relationship.

It might help to move to the next stage if you just digest the reality that the other person moved on because he/she does not love you anymore( this is the most difficult thing to believe in suddenly falling apart relationships)
And if they do not( and they have all the right to do so) - why the heck should YOU love them?!?

It will sound weird, but I still have love, just not the love I had. From this marrage I come away with three kids who I would do anything for. And even though it was a struggle, I have some great memories. Sure, pain to, but even that can be a positive. Things have changed, but really for the better. This is something anyone going through divorce needs to keep in mind. It won't kill you, it does not define you, and you will be a better person after. Thank you all.

 

[Vox]

hang in there, earlycuyler, if there is a possibility to change the surroundings - do it.

it is a grieving process - over what you saw as a perfect marriage/relationship.

It might help to move to the next stage if you just digest the reality that the other person moved on because he/she does not love you anymore( this is the most difficult thing to believe in suddenly falling apart relationships)
And if they do not( and they have all the right to do so) - why the heck should YOU love them?!?

It will sound weird, but I still have love, just not the love I had. From this marrage I come away with three kids who I would do anything for. And even though it was a struggle, I have some great memories. Sure, pain to, but even that can be a positive. Things have changed, but really for the better. This is something anyone going through divorce needs to keep in mind. It won't kill you, it does not define you, and you will be a better person after. Thank you all.

Oh, I did not have the kids and good times as memories in mind. I was talking about other person only.
It helps you to set yourself free if you do not cling to the person you knew BEFORE, when you realize - it has changed.
Might help in the relations with divorced spouse, eventually.
And it is great you are exploring yourself again.

 

[Mertex]

Good advice. Divorce is horrible, on the couple, the couple's families and especially the children. No matter how hard one works in a marriage, the marriage depends on the both of them and if one is no longer willing to work on it, it will very difficult for the other one to try and keep it together. When it is no longer possible to keep it together, after you've tried every avenue, then divorce is the logical course. It will be hard, like you say, but there can be a rainbow at the end.....

God understands divorce, and it is not an unforgivable sin. Forgiveness is important, because so many try and get revenge and just end up hurting themselves and their children.

True 100%. I'm already seeing my rainbow. No, not another woman, but me. Who I was 20 years ago. And I have some stuff to work on.

That's the best approach. To find happiness in just being yourself, then when the right one comes along, you won't be settling for just anything, you'll have gotten over your grief, hurt, anger and feeling of wanting revenge....it will be for the right reasons.
We all learn lessons from our mistakes, and hopefully we won't keep making the same mistakes over and over, that's called insanity!