Cheating on your Lover

[Shadow]

i am always amused at people who value sexuality in thier relationship more than the finer thing of the relationship...or perhaps i should say forced fidelity...cause that is what it is...its human nature to have more than one sexual partner....mongonomy....is forced....by religion etc...

my motto...if i dont know about it...i dont care....he goes out of town....he can do whatever he wants...as long as he is not stupid and flaunts it...he has had a vas for 28 years....and never brought home any diseases..etc..

i, myself, love a good trip out of town on occasion

That's up to you, and if it works for you that's fine. It's just that some people aren't as able to separate the sexuality from what you call the finer things. You're right about fidelity being forced though, it should never be an ultimatum. But if it matters to me I doubt I'd be happy long term with somebody who wasn't willing to make that choice.

I wouldn't either...that would be like telling someone "anyone will do". I would want my relationship to be more meaningful than that to both of us. But, if others agree to that kind of set up,and can handle the fall out...more power to them.

 

[Sherry]

I envy men. I wish my emotions wouldn't get in the way sometimes.

 

[Anguille]

Question for dilloduck : Have you shared my toothbrush with anyone else?

 

[Anguille]

Bam! Right there! Key words "needs" and "emotionally." That's the difference between the sexes that I'm talking about. How many women have you heard say those words? How many men?

If a woman is cheating, chance are she's in love.

And a man doesn't have emotional needs? And sex is always some emotionless mechanical act to them? I find that hard to believe. The wiring is a little different, but not that different.

Of course men have emotional needs, but I'm speaking generally. Men who cheat may be looking for intimacy to some degree, but I maintain that more men than women can cheat with no emotional attachment to their lover.

In other words, men will stray for sexual gratification, and emotional attachment may well follow, while women will stray to have their emotional needs met, with sex to follow.

Do you base that opinion on personal experience and observation or on what popular culture would have us believe?

 

[RadiomanATL]

Thread is useless without pics...

 

[FLGoldilocks]

I'm still relatively new to the forums, and I haven't read all the answers to this, but I wanted to give my two cents anyway.

I was married to a man who couldn't keep it in his pants if you held a gun to his head, cocked and ready to fire. He just couldn't do it. I gave him chance after chance after chance, all to no avail. I finally ended up divorcing him and moving on.

I now have a boyfriend that I love very much. Our relationship has had its rough moments, and probably will again. It's a work in progress, just like everyone else's. If he cheated on me once, and was honest with me; if he came to me and confessed and admitted remorse and didn't try to blame me and swore he'd never see or talk to her again and really showed me he still wanted to be with me and make it work, it would be hard, but I would forgive him. That's what you do when you love someone. You let mistakes go. Serial cheating is NOT a mistake.

And as for being disabled/unable to have sex...if that's really all your relationship is worth to you, then it seems to me your partner is better off without you anyway. I committed to loving my boyfriend no matter what, not loving him as long as he gets me off X times a week. Yes, sex is a wonderful part of any relationship, but there should be so much more to the relationship. There should be friendship, conversation, shared interests, a common foundation that you built the relationship on. And if that foundation is a bed...well, we all know how soft beds can be, and that's not really a solid foundation, is it?

If my boyfriend could never have sex again, I'd still be here. My love for him goes well beyond the physical. He gives me so many other things that are much more important. And I think it's safe to say he feels the same.

Cheating is wrong, no matter what the reason. Sex should never be that important to you that you would betray someone you love that way.

I also have to say that while I agree that sex itself is obviously cheating, I think there are many other things that could constitute cheating.

 

[dilloduck]

Question for dilloduck : Have you shared my toothbrush with anyone else?

If I have are you going to hate me ?

 

[Sherry]

I'm still relatively new to the forums, and I haven't read all the answers to this, but I wanted to give my two cents anyway.

I was married to a man who couldn't keep it in his pants if you held a gun to his head, cocked and ready to fire. He just couldn't do it. I gave him chance after chance after chance, all to no avail. I finally ended up divorcing him and moving on.

I now have a boyfriend that I love very much. Our relationship has had its rough moments, and probably will again. It's a work in progress, just like everyone else's. If he cheated on me once, and was honest with me; if he came to me and confessed and admitted remorse and didn't try to blame me and swore he'd never see or talk to her again and really showed me he still wanted to be with me and make it work, it would be hard, but I would forgive him. That's what you do when you love someone. You let mistakes go. Serial cheating is NOT a mistake.

And as for being disabled/unable to have sex...if that's really all your relationship is worth to you, then it seems to me your partner is better off without you anyway. I committed to loving my boyfriend no matter what, not loving him as long as he gets me off X times a week. Yes, sex is a wonderful part of any relationship, but there should be so much more to the relationship. There should be friendship, conversation, shared interests, a common foundation that you built the relationship on. And if that foundation is a bed...well, we all know how soft beds can be, and that's not really a solid foundation, is it?

If my boyfriend could never have sex again, I'd still be here. My love for him goes well beyond the physical. He gives me so many other things that are much more important. And I think it's safe to say he feels the same.

Cheating is wrong, no matter what the reason. Sex should never be that important to you that you would betray someone you love that way.

I also have to say that while I agree that sex itself is obviously cheating, I think there are many other things that could constitute cheating.

Very insightful. Would you mind expanding on the last sentence??

 

[strollingbones]

o i love the....my emotions are stronger bullmal....no they are not...you are just willing to bail...

its all up to what you want and what you are willing to do...or not do....i love that...willing to have anyone...o yes...if you dont walk the straight and narrow you must do everyone blah blah fucking blah...

do you realize what most people engage in now is serial mongonomy.....stay with someone for 3 years and move on...look at the divorce rate

 

[goldcatt]

i am always amused at people who value sexuality in thier relationship more than the finer thing of the relationship...or perhaps i should say forced fidelity...cause that is what it is...its human nature to have more than one sexual partner....mongonomy....is forced....by religion etc...

my motto...if i dont know about it...i dont care....he goes out of town....he can do whatever he wants...as long as he is not stupid and flaunts it...he has had a vas for 28 years....and never brought home any diseases..etc..

i, myself, love a good trip out of town on occasion

That's up to you, and if it works for you that's fine. It's just that some people aren't as able to separate the sexuality from what you call the finer things. You're right about fidelity being forced though, it should never be an ultimatum. But if it matters to me I doubt I'd be happy long term with somebody who wasn't willing to make that choice.

I think the concept of having one sexual partner is basically sound but I'm certainly not going to be devasted if a partner "strays" when the realtionship is solid in other areas. It's no different that a partner agreeing to stay within a budget and then spending to much one day. It happens. Expecting people to be perfect is a sure fire way to be disappointed.

That's just a matter of priority and what value you, personally, place on different things. Which is why it's such an individual thing, and I hate to make a one size fits all rule. To me, physical and emotional intimacy are just that much more important and tied to the soundness of the relationship than external things like money. If I were like those of you who see them more separately that might not be the case. But I don't make commitments lightly, so it's hard to say exactly how I'd react. I just know how I see it and that it would be difficult, and painful.

 

[Anguille]

Sorry, I didin't see this one before.

No, I do not say men are incapable of controllinjg themselves. I'm saying it is more difficult for them to battle lust, and women who recognize this and value it are themselves to be prized.

What makes you think it's less difficult for women to battle lust? How do you think we are able to control it and men are not?

You believe it's the same? No difference?

Consider the porn industry. How many video makers and magazines and websites thrive on selling images of naked girls to men? How many on selling pics of naked men to women?

The porn industry and how it makes money is not really a very good indicator of whether women have trouble controlling lust. Do you think porn is the only outlet for sexual frustration?

 

[strollingbones]

Question for dilloduck : Have you shared my toothbrush with anyone else?

that is just flat nasty

 

[dilloduck]

I envy men. I wish my emotions wouldn't get in the way sometimes.

Don't be too envious---unfortunately our emotions kick in after the fact and guilt/shame sucks.

 

[strollingbones]

I envy men. I wish my emotions wouldn't get in the way sometimes.

Don't be too envious---unfortunately our emotions kick in after the fact and guilt/shame sucks.

you have no shame

 

[dilloduck]

I envy men. I wish my emotions wouldn't get in the way sometimes.

Don't be too envious---unfortunately our emotions kick in after the fact and guilt/shame sucks.

you have no shame

We like to give that impression

 

[Intense]

I envy men. I wish my emotions wouldn't get in the way sometimes.

Don't be too envious---unfortunately our emotions kick in after the fact and guilt/shame sucks.

The question is what does it teach you??? We live in a world fallen from grace with the hope of redemption. How many times does one stick it into a live electrical socket before one learns???

 

[dilloduck]

What makes you think it's less difficult for women to battle lust? How do you think we are able to control it and men are not?

You believe it's the same? No difference?

Consider the porn industry. How many video makers and magazines and websites thrive on selling images of naked girls to men? How many on selling pics of naked men to women?

The porn industry and how it makes money is not really a very good indicator of whether women have trouble controlling lust. Do you think porn is the only outlet for sexual frustration?

so you are saying that women may do other things as a result of their hard wired lust ?

 

[Anguille]

Isn't it only cheating if you try to do it without them knowing about it?

Gads... you really want to confuse the issue don't you?

No, trying to clarify. I've had sex with several other guys since I got together with my current SO, but he knows about it, and was there on more than 1 occasion. I never thought of that as cheating because it was all in the open, but your definition got me concerned. I'm not sure where the sex with other women would fit either, so if you could clarify that as well I would appreciate it.

TMI about your sex life, Amanda. But you do make an important point. We shouldn't assume that sexual fidelity is important in all relationships nor that if it isn't in some, they are automatically not worthwhile or meaningful.

 

[RadiomanATL]

TMI about your sex life, Amanda.

No no no....keep going....


Need to borrow my camera?

 

[LuckyDan]

And a man doesn't have emotional needs? And sex is always some emotionless mechanical act to them? I find that hard to believe. The wiring is a little different, but not that different.

Of course men have emotional needs, but I'm speaking generally. Men who cheat may be looking for intimacy to some degree, but I maintain that more men than women can cheat with no emotional attachment to their lover.

In other words, men will stray for sexual gratification, and emotional attachment may well follow, while women will stray to have their emotional needs met, with sex to follow.

Do you base that opinion on personal experience and observation or on what popular culture would have us believe?

I'm not sure popular culture shares my opinion, but I'm not the first to make the observation.