Impending Divorce

[Cecilie1200]

I decided to go ahead and make a general announcement about this because I'm very likely to mention it in passing in conversation at some point, and hopefully this will save a little on questions that will disrupt another thread.

My husband of 18 years, Joe, and I are getting a divorce. This is completely amicable, and due to financial differences. Apparently, our individual views and goals toward money have grown apart over the years to the point where we have virtually nothing in common in this regard.

We are still the best of friends and love each other very much, and have decided to separate rather than have the constant fights over money sour that relationship. For the time being, we are continuing to share the house we jointly own until we can work out our individual situations for the comfort and convenience of both us and our two sons, who will be going with me when I move out.

This has been coming for several months now, but I haven't wanted to talk about it until more of the details had been hammered out. Now I have started a promising new job, and we have been able to put our plans on something of a timetable, so it's time to make the announcements official.

 

[Noomi]

Sorry to hear that, Cecilie. I am glad your parting is amicable, though, and that you will remain firm friends.

Is this not something that can be mended? I assume it isn't given you have stated its been coming for a number of months.

Thinking of you. I hope you are okay.

 

[Cecilie1200]

Sorry to hear that, Cecilie. I am glad your parting is amicable, though, and that you will remain firm friends.

Is this not something that can be mended? I assume it isn't given you have stated its been coming for a number of months.

Thinking of you. I hope you are okay.

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

No, I don't think it can be mended, primarily because I find myself not really wanting to. When I say we're the best of friends, that is unfortunately exactly what I mean: everything there is to our relationship could just as easily be accomplished in separate houses as best friends. It doesn't require us to live together and be married.

By itself, that would not be cause for me to seek a divorce, but coupled with the financial differences and the fights they cause, it's really best for everyone to go our separate ways.

 

[TheOldSchool]

Good luck!

 

[Cecilie1200]

Good luck!

Thanks.

 

[RosieS]

Enjoy your new freedom and don't part with it willingly. My 4 years between husbands were the best since undergrad days.

Break a leg!

Regards from Rosie

 

[Connery]

Sorry to hear that, Cecilie. I am glad your parting is amicable, though, and that you will remain firm friends.

Is this not something that can be mended? I assume it isn't given you have stated its been coming for a number of months.

Thinking of you. I hope you are okay.

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

No, I don't think it can be mended, primarily because I find myself not really wanting to. When I say we're the best of friends, that is unfortunately exactly what I mean: everything there is to our relationship could just as easily be accomplished in separate houses as best friends. It doesn't require us to live together and be married.

By itself, that would not be cause for me to seek a divorce, but coupled with the financial differences and the fights they cause, it's really best for everyone to go our separate ways.

Clearly you know what you want and are not staying together for the sake of appearance, delaying the inevitable. When the music stops the dance is over, all the best intentions cannot make that which is wrong, right.


Good luck!!!

 

[JakeStarkey]

Tough times, Cecelie1200, and I wish the best for you, your children, and your spouse. Good luck!

 

[Michelle420]

It's sad that you both made it through 18 years of marriage and are calling it quits.

Finances seems to be the number 2 reason for divorce, so it makes sense.

It is good you are remaining friends.

 

[Dreamy]

You both appear to be willing to have a good divorce so that will make a tough time easier. I'm sorry all the same to see any marriage end but I wish you much happiness and contentment as you begin the next chapter in your life Cecilie

 

[Cecilie1200]

It's sad that you both made it through 18 years of marriage and are calling it quits.

Finances seems to be the number 2 reason for divorce, so it makes sense.

It is good you are remaining friends.

I think it's the arrival of middle age that's made the differences in our financial attitudes so painfully obvious. He has grown more and more comfortable with a "We can afford to pay the utilities and buy food, so that's good enough" attitude, while I have become increasingly more nervous about the passage of time and impending retirement (and anyone who thinks 20 years isn't impending when you're talking about preparing your finances for retirement is crazy). I don't want to wind up like my mom, working my ass off until I'm 70 and then scraping by on Social Security and sharing a house with a permanently-single child (my older brother). God willing, NONE of my children will be without spouses and families, and I have no desire to live with any of them until I'm too senile to be aware of it.

Meanwhile, he's still a good person, and we still have a four-year-old son who's going to need both of his parents working together for his benefit for many years yet (the older two are basically done with active parenting). We could make an ugly battle out of it, but the only people that would benefit would be lawyers.

 

[Michelle420]

It's sad that you both made it through 18 years of marriage and are calling it quits.

Finances seems to be the number 2 reason for divorce, so it makes sense.

It is good you are remaining friends.

I think it's the arrival of middle age that's made the differences in our financial attitudes so painfully obvious. He has grown more and more comfortable with a "We can afford to pay the utilities and buy food, so that's good enough" attitude, while I have become increasingly more nervous about the passage of time and impending retirement (and anyone who thinks 20 years isn't impending when you're talking about preparing your finances for retirement is crazy). I don't want to wind up like my mom, working my ass off until I'm 70 and then scraping by on Social Security and sharing a house with a permanently-single child (my older brother). God willing, NONE of my children will be without spouses and families, and I have no desire to live with any of them until I'm too senile to be aware of it.

Meanwhile, he's still a good person, and we still have a four-year-old son who's going to need both of his parents working together for his benefit for many years yet (the older two are basically done with active parenting). We could make an ugly battle out of it, but the only people that would benefit would be lawyers.

Sure, it's going to be hard no matter how you do it.

Divorce is an ending.

Even though you are both remaining friends and being grown up about it, it is still a major life change.

Most likely, you will adjust easier then him, but that is not to say you won't experience feelings of nostalgia and feel bad.

I suspect you will fare better as well, I hope you get through it without guilt trips or regret.

 

[ChloeP80]

Good luck to you both, I've been there and it sounds like you're approaching this in the right frame of mind with your son at the centre of it. It's a huge step but you both deserve to be happy and rfather than say that it's sad you're splitting up after 18 years I'd congratulate you, you did good and life's too short to be in a situation that's not making you happy.
Your son deserves happy parents too, even if those parents aren't together. You two are his blueprint for relationships.
There will be times when your ex will exasperate you, this is a tryign time, but remember, it's not divorce that messes up kids, it's the fighting that happens afterwards between parents that does that.

 

[rightwinger]

Sorry to hear that but sometimes it is for the best. I respect you for keeping it amicable and wish you the best in your new life

 

[Truthmatters]

best of luck in your new life direction.

 

[MisterBeale]

You know, if you didn't want other anonymous people's opinions on this, you shouldn't have posted on this forum. What I think you wanted, was people's support and for people to tell you that what you were doing was ok. Well I won't. I am going to tell you that you are being selfish and you are destroying the childhood of your children. Every child deserves to go to bed at night with their mom and dad in under the same roof, and wake up with their mom and dad there, giving them love and support as they start their day.

The only cause for separation should be infidelity or abuse. Money?! Are you fucking kidding me? Money compared to family means NOTHING, absolutely nothing. As a family you could be living in a card board box under an overpass, and the important thing would be that you are together. But no, some people watch too much TV, and see too many god damned movies. Or they listen to too many financial advice radio talk shows. When is more things, more material items enough or a financial nest egg enough? The future will come, you might get cancer, you might die w/o having the chance to enjoy your savings, take one day at a time. Enjoy things, day by day.

Someone should stay home and spend some quality time with the kids for god's sake. Cut back on the hours and BE THERE when they are not in school or in activities.

They are only young once. But people want nice things, they want vacations, nights out. . . people want to act like children themselves, for ever. It is what we have been conditioned to be like ourselves by the STATE, consumers, for ever.

I'd be willing to starve and be homeless in my old age so long as my kid didn't grow up in a broken home. Way to put yourself and think of your own wants and desires before those of your kids! What the hell ever happened to unconditional love and doing anything for kids in this country? What ever happened to the concept of family? So let me get this straight, you are destroying your kids' family so you can have a cushy retirement? Nice. When their dad tells them what you did, the role model you make for them, they will hate you forever, especially the four year old. My kids mom did something similar because she has a shopping addiction and I have a disability. Although he loves his mom greatly, he doesn't respect her ass at all. Good luck with your plans.

Money is more important that honor, family and children huh?

Way to go cultural elites!

When your kids go off and get married, and then divorced and never call, write or visit, then you will know why.

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmICH1anBfc]Money- Pink Floyd (Remastered Audio) - YouTube[/ame]

 

[Truthmatters]

not living in a household full of anger and tention is a good choice for a parent to make

 

[MisterBeale]

not living in a household full of anger and tention is a good choice for a parent to make

Get rid of the anger and tension, and act like adults. A family is about the interest of a collective group, not a bunch of individuals. If two adults are bickering about their self-interests like children, and forgetting that their children are the most important reason family exists, of course there are going to be fights.

 

[Truthmatters]

how long have you been married beal?

 

[Big Black Dog]

Guess those vows, "for better or worse, richer or poorer" didn't really mean so much when you said them, huh?