Impending Divorce

[Truthmatters]

No human being can know what they will need emotionally 20 years later.

pretending they can is insanity

 

[boedicca]

Sorry to hear that, Cecilie. I am glad your parting is amicable, though, and that you will remain firm friends.

Is this not something that can be mended? I assume it isn't given you have stated its been coming for a number of months.

Thinking of you. I hope you are okay.

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

No, I don't think it can be mended, primarily because I find myself not really wanting to. When I say we're the best of friends, that is unfortunately exactly what I mean: everything there is to our relationship could just as easily be accomplished in separate houses as best friends. It doesn't require us to live together and be married.

By itself, that would not be cause for me to seek a divorce, but coupled with the financial differences and the fights they cause, it's really best for everyone to go our separate ways.

I know two couples who live in separate abodes and are very happy. Good for you for doing what is best for you and managing towards health relationship with your (ex)husband in a way that works for you.

 

[MisterBeale]

how long have you been married beal?

Immaterial to the discussion.

My parents are still married. My paternal grand parents and maternal grand parents never divorced. My fathers brother and two sisters never divorced and my mothers sister and her brother never divorced. My sister never divorced. I have thirty-six cousins, all of them are married. Three have had spouses leave them for similarly trivial circumstance and my family has regarded them in similarly in low esteem, because again, they were being selfish, and not considering their children or having an eye toward what was in the best interest of their own flesh and blood. When you get married, you put away the concept of "me" and you don the concept of "we."

When the family gets home, you get off the forum and you spend some time with them.

 

[MisterBeale]

Sorry to hear that, Cecilie. I am glad your parting is amicable, though, and that you will remain firm friends.

Is this not something that can be mended? I assume it isn't given you have stated its been coming for a number of months.

Thinking of you. I hope you are okay.

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

No, I don't think it can be mended, primarily because I find myself not really wanting to. When I say we're the best of friends, that is unfortunately exactly what I mean: everything there is to our relationship could just as easily be accomplished in separate houses as best friends. It doesn't require us to live together and be married.

By itself, that would not be cause for me to seek a divorce, but coupled with the financial differences and the fights they cause, it's really best for everyone to go our separate ways.

I know two couples who live in separate abodes and are very happy. Good for you for doing what is best for you and managing towards health relationship with your (ex)husband in a way that works for you.

Ironically enough, it is, in the end, more expensive to maintain two households than it is to maintain one. What foolishness. Something else is going on I expect. Yes yes, what is best for her, not what is best for the kids, right?

 

[MisterBeale]

Wonderful!

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUfgAbFY4CA]Everclear - Wonderful - YouTube[/ame]

Every time the children cry, just remember, it's your fault. . .

My heart aches for them.

 

[April]

First off...good luck Cecelie. It takes a lot of strength as a woman to stick to her convictions within a marriage. I commend you for being so strong and level headed about it.

Second...for Beale...take a few steps back and realize that we live in a time not hunkered down by the 'status quo' and cliches of marriage as it were 50-60 years ago.

 

[RosieS]

First off...good luck Cecelie. It takes a lot of strength as a woman to stick to her convictions within a marriage. I commend you for being so strong and level headed about it.

Second...for Beale...take a few steps back and realize that we live in a time not hunkered down by the 'status quo' and cliches of marriage as it were 50-60 years ago.

True. Plus no one can really know a marriage from the outside, and Cecelie has no obligation to reveal anything at all.

If both potential ex-spouses determine that they must live apart, it is not for anyone else to say since no one can know.

Questioning her motives as a mother is a way low blow and I feel an apology is merited. Not that a member of the Ignorati will offer one....but that criticism was way out of line.

Regards from Rosie

 

[Truthmatters]

how long have you been married beal?

Immaterial to the discussion.

My parents are still married. My paternal grand parents and maternal grand parents never divorced. My fathers brother and two sisters never divorced and my mothers sister and her brother never divorced. My sister never divorced. I have thirty-six cousins, all of them are married. Three have had spouses leave them for similarly trivial circumstance and my family has regarded them in similarly in low esteem, because again, they were being selfish, and not considering their children or having an eye toward what was in the best interest of their own flesh and blood. When you get married, you put away the concept of "me" and you don the concept of "we."

When the family gets home, you get off the forum and you spend some time with them.

hahahahahahaha you have never been married.

guess what I have been married for over 25 years.

my parents stayed married both my grandparents stayed together.


I met my hubby at 19 and that was it for me.


Your just some punk kid who doiesnt know life

 

[TNHarley]

how long have you been married beal?

Immaterial to the discussion.

My parents are still married. My paternal grand parents and maternal grand parents never divorced. My fathers brother and two sisters never divorced and my mothers sister and her brother never divorced. My sister never divorced. I have thirty-six cousins, all of them are married. Three have had spouses leave them for similarly trivial circumstance and my family has regarded them in similarly in low esteem, because again, they were being selfish, and not considering their children or having an eye toward what was in the best interest of their own flesh and blood. When you get married, you put away the concept of "me" and you don the concept of "we."

When the family gets home, you get off the forum and you spend some time with them.

hahahahahahaha you have never been married.

guess what I have been married for over 25 years.

my parents stayed married both my grandparents stayed together.


I met my hubby at 19 and that was it for me.


Your just some punk kid who doiesnt know life

I thought you said he was a "boyfriend" Hmmm. Anyways..
Cecile, shit happens. Finance was the reason my sons mother and I broke up. Well the biggest part anyways lol. Do not worry about your kids. They will be happier with both of you being happy every day, than not being being happy everyday. A kid is not happy if his/her parents are never happy

 

[MisterBeale]

True. Plus no one can really know a marriage from the outside, and Cecelie has no obligation to reveal anything at all.

If both potential ex-spouses determine that they must live apart, it is not for anyone else to say since no one can know.

Questioning her motives as a mother is a way low blow and I feel an apology is merited. Not that a member of the Ignorati will offer one....but that criticism was way out of line.

Regards from Rosie

See, here again, we are focusing on the adults. Like they are important at all here. THEY AREN'T! I don't give a rat's ass about her. Chances are, her parents were selfish too. They probably were caught up in their own drama and likewise ignored her, divorced, and she was emotionally and spiritually abandoned. Her whole life has probably been about that search for validation, support, and unconditional love. When people can't find that they turn to material gratification.

Maybe she got married for that and had children for those reasons, I don't know, nor did I really care, that isn't the point. Her time is OVER. She is worried about herself and her future. Nobody should really care. What everyone should care more about is the children, or else we will have a society of useless trolls. I see them everywhere on this forum. Corrupt ethics and useless morals. Conditioned by the schools, brainwashed by the media, voting for corrupt politicians, divorcing families, spending more time at stores on holidays then remembering what our forefathers did to build this nation. It's a spiritual vacuum out there. Dogma means more than love. I really do hope and wish her the best in this move, but I know that in the end, even if she does find more happiness five, ten years down the line, her children, or grandchildren will be more corrupted for this move. They will not have a good example. If the going gets tough? Pack up your bags and leave.

And now, all you see in my posts are an attack? I am trying to save the future of her children and her family. I am trying to do good. All you see is my chastising and trying to prevent her from having a good time and reduce discomfort to herself. What you don't see is that for all the amount of discomfort she reduces, she is causing more discomfort for all of her children. You can sit there and make excuses and say, "well it is better they get out of an environment of hostility." But again, that is an old angry canard. Only if both parents pledge to never date and stay celibate does that argument hold any water, because eventually, people get involved in further relationships, and that causes way more stress and confusion than children watching how parents negotiate in a healthy relationship. Watching selfish adults use children in the game of broken and blended families are not a healthy lesson.

 

[Spoonman]

hey cecilie, very sorry about that. financial unity is probably one of the most difficult hurdles in a relationship. especially as a relationship matures and you are heading into a different phase of your life. you could be totally in line when it comes to starting a family, buying a home, raising kids and paying for education. but as financial limitations change or you start preparing for a new horizon, its a whole new ballgame. hopefully you can minimize the impact to both of you and keep it amicable.

 

[skye]

I wish you all the best Cecilie and hope things work out for you.

 

[Cecilie1200]

First of all, thank you again to everyone who has sent their kind wishes.

Second, for those who assume every post is a breathless request for their opinions, it isn't. I didn't post this because I'm asking what people think or for anyone to tell me my decision is okay (notice that my post didn't contain any questions). As I said in the OP, I posted this because it is very likely to come up in conversation in the future, and I wanted to try to prevent discussions about it from derailing other topics.

I know the details and circumstances of my relationship, and would not be able to explain all the myriad ins-and-outs of 18 years of marriage in a message board, even if I wanted to. I made the best decision for everyone involved out of the choices available to me, and having done so, am content with that.

My life is not lived by committee, and so my decisions are not made by committee. For those who feel a burning need to vote on every topic, please note that no one has handed you a ballot on this issue. You're certainly free to have an opinion, if you really feel you must, but I honestly can't imagine why you'd spend the time and energy on it when it's not going to matter to anyone, anyway.

 

[Trajan]

It's sad that you both made it through 18 years of marriage and are calling it quits.

Finances seems to be the number 2 reason for divorce, so it makes sense.

It is good you are remaining friends.

I think it's the arrival of middle age that's made the differences in our financial attitudes so painfully obvious. He has grown more and more comfortable with a "We can afford to pay the utilities and buy food, so that's good enough" attitude, while I have become increasingly more nervous about the passage of time and impending retirement (and anyone who thinks 20 years isn't impending when you're talking about preparing your finances for retirement is crazy). I don't want to wind up like my mom, working my ass off until I'm 70 and then scraping by on Social Security and sharing a house with a permanently-single child (my older brother). God willing, NONE of my children will be without spouses and families, and I have no desire to live with any of them until I'm too senile to be aware of it.

Meanwhile, he's still a good person, and we still have a four-year-old son who's going to need both of his parents working together for his benefit for many years yet (the older two are basically done with active parenting). We could make an ugly battle out of it, but the only people that would benefit would be lawyers.

hurumph....'middle age'....yea, been there, done that.

I bought a Mustang then a Cobra, she remade herself physically and spiritually.
then a few years later we both looked at each other and laughed, like what the hell are we doing? .......and both admitted we had the middle age jitters.

we didn't 'diverge' on issues though....thats a biggey. Being 'comfortable' is relative eh?

 

[Cecilie1200]

It's sad that you both made it through 18 years of marriage and are calling it quits.

Finances seems to be the number 2 reason for divorce, so it makes sense.

It is good you are remaining friends.

I think it's the arrival of middle age that's made the differences in our financial attitudes so painfully obvious. He has grown more and more comfortable with a "We can afford to pay the utilities and buy food, so that's good enough" attitude, while I have become increasingly more nervous about the passage of time and impending retirement (and anyone who thinks 20 years isn't impending when you're talking about preparing your finances for retirement is crazy). I don't want to wind up like my mom, working my ass off until I'm 70 and then scraping by on Social Security and sharing a house with a permanently-single child (my older brother). God willing, NONE of my children will be without spouses and families, and I have no desire to live with any of them until I'm too senile to be aware of it.

Meanwhile, he's still a good person, and we still have a four-year-old son who's going to need both of his parents working together for his benefit for many years yet (the older two are basically done with active parenting). We could make an ugly battle out of it, but the only people that would benefit would be lawyers.

hurumph....'middle age'....yea, been there, done that.

I bought a Mustang then a Cobra, she remade herself physically and spiritually.
then a few years later we both looked at each other and laughed, like what the hell are we doing? .......and both admitted we had the middle age jitters.

we didn't 'diverge' on issues though....thats a biggey. Being 'comfortable' is relative eh?

Going a little crazy and trying new things would be one thing. Long-term financial planning for a retirement that isn't all that far in the future is something else entirely.

 

[Spoonman]

I think it's the arrival of middle age that's made the differences in our financial attitudes so painfully obvious. He has grown more and more comfortable with a "We can afford to pay the utilities and buy food, so that's good enough" attitude, while I have become increasingly more nervous about the passage of time and impending retirement (and anyone who thinks 20 years isn't impending when you're talking about preparing your finances for retirement is crazy). I don't want to wind up like my mom, working my ass off until I'm 70 and then scraping by on Social Security and sharing a house with a permanently-single child (my older brother). God willing, NONE of my children will be without spouses and families, and I have no desire to live with any of them until I'm too senile to be aware of it.

Meanwhile, he's still a good person, and we still have a four-year-old son who's going to need both of his parents working together for his benefit for many years yet (the older two are basically done with active parenting). We could make an ugly battle out of it, but the only people that would benefit would be lawyers.

hurumph....'middle age'....yea, been there, done that.

I bought a Mustang then a Cobra, she remade herself physically and spiritually.
then a few years later we both looked at each other and laughed, like what the hell are we doing? .......and both admitted we had the middle age jitters.

we didn't 'diverge' on issues though....thats a biggey. Being 'comfortable' is relative eh?

Going a little crazy and trying new things would be one thing. Long-term financial planning for a retirement that isn't all that far in the future is something else entirely.

in todays world, with todays economy and the future of SS and healthcare, that realy has to be a top priority.

 

[g5000]

I think the ease from which a marriage can be escaped leads to a lot of people getting into marriages they never should have gotten into in the first place.

Divorce sucks. Don't kid yourself it is going to be easy or amicable. It isn't.

 

[High_Gravity]

I decided to go ahead and make a general announcement about this because I'm very likely to mention it in passing in conversation at some point, and hopefully this will save a little on questions that will disrupt another thread.

My husband of 18 years, Joe, and I are getting a divorce. This is completely amicable, and due to financial differences. Apparently, our individual views and goals toward money have grown apart over the years to the point where we have virtually nothing in common in this regard.

We are still the best of friends and love each other very much, and have decided to separate rather than have the constant fights over money sour that relationship. For the time being, we are continuing to share the house we jointly own until we can work out our individual situations for the comfort and convenience of both us and our two sons, who will be going with me when I move out.

This has been coming for several months now, but I haven't wanted to talk about it until more of the details had been hammered out. Now I have started a promising new job, and we have been able to put our plans on something of a timetable, so it's time to make the announcements official.

I am sorry to hear that, I have been through a divorce before where money was a big factor in it, my ex wife didn't bring any money in but boy could she spend it. Be careful about the living together thing, my ex girlfriend of 5 years wanted to do that and it lasted 3 days it was a living hell. Best of luck I wish you well.

 

[Cecilie1200]

I decided to go ahead and make a general announcement about this because I'm very likely to mention it in passing in conversation at some point, and hopefully this will save a little on questions that will disrupt another thread.

My husband of 18 years, Joe, and I are getting a divorce. This is completely amicable, and due to financial differences. Apparently, our individual views and goals toward money have grown apart over the years to the point where we have virtually nothing in common in this regard.

We are still the best of friends and love each other very much, and have decided to separate rather than have the constant fights over money sour that relationship. For the time being, we are continuing to share the house we jointly own until we can work out our individual situations for the comfort and convenience of both us and our two sons, who will be going with me when I move out.

This has been coming for several months now, but I haven't wanted to talk about it until more of the details had been hammered out. Now I have started a promising new job, and we have been able to put our plans on something of a timetable, so it's time to make the announcements official.

I am sorry to hear that, I have been through a divorce before where money was a big factor in it, my ex wife didn't bring any money in but boy could she spend it. Be careful about the living together thing, my ex girlfriend of 5 years wanted to do that and it lasted 3 days it was a living hell. Best of luck I wish you well.

Oh, it's been a hoot so far. In some ways, he's been more pleasant to be around since my decision. In other ways, I'm ready to strangle him. He seems to have gotten it into his head that I'm now his house elf (read Harry Potter if you don't get the reference) whose job it is to magically see that everything gets taken care of, complete with a three-course dinner on the table every night, while his responsibility is to go to work and come home every day. If I object, I get to hear, "You're STILL my WIFE, you know."

Still, this is nothing I can't tolerate for a while, and it's nice to hear him talking to our teenaged son in the other room and have it NOT be a lecture on what a useless pile of dirty laundry the poor kid is. I don't think he's going to convince Nick that he wants to stay here when I leave, but I know Nick is enjoying the improved relations with his father for the moment.

 

[Jarlaxle]

Sorry to hear that, Cecilie. I am glad your parting is amicable, though, and that you will remain firm friends.

Is this not something that can be mended? I assume it isn't given you have stated its been coming for a number of months.

Thinking of you. I hope you are okay.

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

No, I don't think it can be mended, primarily because I find myself not really wanting to. When I say we're the best of friends, that is unfortunately exactly what I mean: everything there is to our relationship could just as easily be accomplished in separate houses as best friends. It doesn't require us to live together and be married.

By itself, that would not be cause for me to seek a divorce, but coupled with the financial differences and the fights they cause, it's really best for everyone to go our separate ways.

That sounds like my uncle's first marriage: after about 3 years, they mutually decided they liked each other...but in smaller doses. (They, and her husband of about 20 years, are still friends...though I figure my uncle's "benefits" stopped after she got remarried.)