MISTER, WE COULD USE A MAN LIKE PAUL HARVEY AGAIN:
“And on the 8th day, God looked down on his planned paradise and said, ‘I need a tiny, soulless technocrat to tell everyone else how to live their lives.’ So God made a Bloomberg.”
Hick Farmers Retaliate Against Coastal Elites By Withholding Ingredients Needed To Make Avocado Toast.
U.S.—Farmers have long been looked down upon by coastal elites, and now the farmers are finally getting their revenge: the "redneck hicks" all around the country have announced they will not be shipping the ingredients needed to make avocado toast to major liberal cities like New York and Los Angeles.
"Until further notice, you'll have to farm your own wheat and grow your own avocados," a spokesperson for America's farmers said as he chewed on a stalk of Timothy grass and did other stereotypical farmer things. "Have fun! Yeehaw!"
Avocado farmers in rural parts of Florida and California reminded city dwellers just how juicy and delicious their avocados are.
"Man, these are just perfect -- would go great on a nice, warm piece of toast. It would be a real shame if I didn't ship these to the cities, since I'm just a hick farmer and all."
The coastal elites were devastated by the sanctions, as the only thing they know how to grow is marijuana in their parents' basements.
"Nooooo!!!" screamed one Hollywood screenwriter as his assistant nervously informed him there would be no avocado toast with his latte this morning. "I can't even!"
CNN's Don Lemon wrote a formal apology to the farmers, but they claimed they couldn't read it and so the sanctions would continue.
