Ask Joe (a new advice column just for USMB members)

[September]

Joe ya never answered mah question >:O

What's a seven headed dragon with ten horns?

-Ash

 

[AVG-JOE]

So where is Joe anyway?

He has a gigantic inbox.

Joe the Seer of all Wisdom sometimes goes on retreat. He consults with the Guru of Ultimate Enlightenment, Sooth Sayer. (otherwise known as "Guess"), who lives on the highest elevated spot of land in Kansas. There he meditates while putting himself in a Bud Light induced trance, until he feels the calling to return, and impart his wisdom. He also uses that time to read old Ann Landers columns.

Close... I NEVER drink light beer. There's not much point.

 

[AVG-JOE]

Dear Joe,

What happens to socks?

You put them in the wash in pairs, but somewhere along the line, one will simply disappear, never to be seen again. I think there may be something going on here that only those beyond the grave may understand, but, seeing as you are all knowing, I come to you for an answer.

Signed,
Bewildered and bewitched in Peoria
(not to mention, a little bit bothered)

Unpaired socks become the property of USMB when they show up here, and, once discovered, they are stored in a small closet behind The Flame Zone. This is unfortunate because every Friday things get pretty hot in there, and most socks have enough synthetic fiber in their being to simply melt away when the frivolity starts flyin' hot & heavy.



I know!! It's surprising that money doesn't change hands, but there you have it.

 

[AVG-JOE]

Joe.

What's is the seven headed dragon with ten horns?

-Ash

I am, according to a couple of posts in the Religion and Philosophy forums.



But seriously... I believe that in Bible Prophesy circles, that particular beast turns out to be some variation of Europe, the seven heads and ten horns referring to various countries.

 

[Pop23]

Joe:

Are you drunk or am I drunk and you just look drunk.

And a follow up question if I may.

How do I stop this room from spinning

Thanks in advance

Poppertop

 

[Derideo_Te]

Joe,

Who left the cake out in the rain?

Wet and miserable
MacArthur Park

""

 

[AVG-JOE]

Joe,

Following up on Pogo's questions;

Who would have the authority to marry God and HER significant other?

Since God must be an Atheist by definition doesn't it make sense that all followers of God should do likewise and be Atheists too?

I have no way of answering that since the God I picture in my assumptions needs no husband or wife to be made complete.

The question that continues to frost me is, what does God DO all day? He already knows EVERYthing!

That is why there is a Mrs God. She finds things for him to do all day!

But you bring up an interesting point. Was the Universe God's Magnum Opus and he has done nothing ever since? Seems kind of pointless to just do one thing and then nothing more thereafter.

So my questions to you, Joe, are what is God going to do to top the creation of the Universe? What will be his next act? Will there be a sequel or something entirely different?

Stay tuned to the same Joe channel and time to find out.

Anticipate the Divine.....?

Any success would be luck and nothing more. ​

 

[AVG-JOE]

Dear Joe,

I have another train question.

If a train leaves New Orleans at 40 MPH at 8 AM, bound for Florida, how long will it take the engineer to realize that they never replaced the track that was washed away by Katrina?

Sidetracked in Biloxi

Long enough for a quick stop at The Love Shack!

 

[AVG-JOE]

Dear Joe,

If a 5 year old child sits down, examines the dirt in his fingernails and comes to the conclusion that an entire universe could be within that dirt and he had better not clean it off, cost what is will, is that five year old

a.) brillilant
b.) crazy as a bat
c.) Statistikhengst on a hot Middletown, OH day in 1968

???

d.) All of the Above.​

 

[AVG-JOE]

I hate to have to say it, Joe, but Phil Everly just hasn't been himself since he died.....

Happens to the best of us, Bro'.

Happens to the best.​

"Come out Virginia, don't hesitate!"​

 

[AVG-JOE]

Joe,

Ilar still has doubts that he can "logically" prove his point. Please be so kind as to explain logically that God (if she existed) would be an Atheist given all of the current terms that are used to describe her.

TYIA
on the Jersey Shore.

Sorry Bud...

Can't do it.​

If God is, I believe that She believes in Himself.

Astutely phrased. But begs another question ---

... Are we saying God is capable of anything, yet incapable of self-doubt?


For that matter, what kind of self-help Books are on God's Bookshelf?
What does God Read in general? Other than this thread?

The Joke's on the Monkeys, Brother.

 

[AVG-JOE]

Dear Joe,

If one and one make two, how is it that mommy (1) and daddy (1) make baby (3)? Math is so confusing.

"They are One Person, they are Two Alone, they are Three Together, they are Four...... Each Other."

Love ROCKS!!! ​

 

[AVG-JOE]

Hey Joe,
Are you related to the Great OZ? You present as a nebulous everyman, an AVG JOE behind a cyber curtain but who doesn't require supplicants to provide proof of worthiness yet you can almost see their elevation and wonder as they float away muttering to themselves " yes......YES ...it makes so much sense now.."

No relation to Oz... Neither the Great Wizard nor the Great Doctor. Just another swinging dick lucky enough to have a few years of awareness on the Monkey Timeline.

The only thing more cool than looking at the stars is looking at them and understanding what they are.

Sentience ROCKS!! ​

As far as my goal as a writer goes, I speak my changing mind and I try to be entertaining. That I make sense is dumb luck and mostly the fault of my mother and her strict lessons on spellin' and grammar. Poor writing rarely entertains because it's tough to make sense of.

Savvy?​

 

[AVG-JOE]

Dear Joe,

Who will help me bake this cake?

The Little Red Hen

What kind of cakes do chickens like to bake?





It's amazing the shit you can find when you put seemingly unrelated words in to various search engines.

 

[AVG-JOE]

Joe ya never answered mah question >:O

What's a seven headed dragon with ten horns?

-Ash

Patience, Grasshopper.

 

[AVG-JOE]

Joe:

Are you drunk or am I drunk and you just look drunk.

And a follow up question if I may.

How do I stop this room from spinning

Thanks in advance

Poppertop

Based on the Timestamp on your post, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

 

[AVG-JOE]

Joe,

Who left the cake out in the rain?

Wet and miserable
MacArthur Park

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRwYQgk05DY

I've gotta love a Monkey who answers his own questions!!

 

[Derideo_Te]

Dear Joe

Do you 'ave a leesonse for your minkie?

signed
Pink in Paris

""

 

[Statistikhengst]

lol...

 

[Vandalshandle]

Dear Joe,

If I were to drive my Cadillac at the speed of light, would my headlights be visible to the 100,000 year old man on Pluto that Shirley McClain channels?