How to Deal with the Family Criminal?...

[GaryDog]

Don't you think it is strange that your wife is still manifesting troubled psyche for something that had happened 40-60 years ago (considering you self identify as a crotchety old man)

She clearly never got proper closure.

No I don't think it's strange that a horrific set of events that happened 20-25 years ago still affects her psyche. Her mind repressed these memories from her preteen years until she was 25 years old. Her own family refused to support her when the memories came to the surface. Even after a decade there are still new memories and details that she is just remembering.

Her assailant was never punished for his crimes. She and I deal with this without any emotional support from most of her family. It's us and her therapist against her own mind and memories.

Then you should harbor more ill-will toward her family members than to someone else convicted of a sex crime that in no way involved your wife.

Your animosity for your uncle just seems bizarre to me. Avoid the guy. No big deal. Don't engage. If he wants to, politely make your position clear.

We have an unhealthy animosity toward anyone locked up in this country. If you do time for most any offense, we vilify you. You're irredeemable. Hell, your uncle may have been abused himself. That's typically what sparks an abuser. Perhaps he may share that and in that way have something in COMMON with your wife? We need more empathy and less hatred. And not just for you. For your wife, as well.

 

[GaryDog]

I think the fact that your wife is a victim of abuse, and you proudly advised this board that you strike your wife, you belong in prison with him and neither of you stone ages feral savages belong at anyone's family gatherings.

Did I miss something?

 

[G.T.]

I think the fact that your wife is a victim of abuse, and you proudly advised this board that you strike your wife, you belong in prison with him and neither of you stone ages feral savages belong at anyone's family gatherings.

Did I miss something?

Yes, Anathema hits his wife but thinks its "ok" because she "agrees" to it as a form of corporal punishment.

 

[westwall]

If you'd read all the way to the bottom before posting, you would have seen my comment this morning confirming Westwall's correctness in this matter.

I just noticed, although I am not going to applaud Westwall for making baseless assumptions without knowing all the information.

My wife is a PhD psychologist. I am very adept at reading between the lines, added to the extraordinary length of time he had to serve in prison it was a no brainer. Every study done about the recidivism rates are based on incredibly poor factual data. Thus you get wildly variable estimates of recidivism. However, one of my wifes friends is the head of the Denver area (Arapahoe Country) mental health division, and according to her internal numbers there is a 100% recidivism rate. The reason being the perpetrators truly believe the children love them. There are other studies that show it to be incurable, once again because of the underlying belief that they are completely normal and do not understand that children are incapable of making those sorts of decisions.

There is loads of research available but it is all behind paywalls so I am unable to link you to it.

 

[Anathema]

Then you should harbor more ill-will toward her family members than to someone else convicted of a sex crime that in no way involved your wife.

My frustration and annoyance with my in-laws is well known in the family. I find sex crimes and other Moral deviance to be inexcusable. There are no excuses or harsh enough punishments for such people in my mind.

Your animosity for your uncle just seems bizarre to me. Avoid the guy. No big deal. Don't engage. If he wants to, politely make your position clear.

The problem is that avoiding him will likely mean having to avoid other family members whom I like, as well. We don't get together often as we're spread over the entire Northeast at this point.

We have an unhealthy animosity toward anyone locked up in this country. If you do time for most any offense, we vilify you. You're irredeemable. Hell, your uncle may have been abused himself. That's typically what sparks an abuser. Perhaps he may share that and in that way have something in COMMON with your wife? We need more empathy and less hatred. And not just for you. For your wife, as well.

He was likely molested himself. That's not an excuse for doing it to others. My wife doesn't even want to see him, never mind converse.

 

[GaryDog]

Then you should harbor more ill-will toward her family members than to someone else convicted of a sex crime that in no way involved your wife.

My frustration and annoyance with my in-laws is well known in the family. I find sex crimes and other Moral deviance to be inexcusable. There are no excuses or harsh enough punishments for such people in my mind.

Your animosity for your uncle just seems bizarre to me. Avoid the guy. No big deal. Don't engage. If he wants to, politely make your position clear.

The problem is that avoiding him will likely mean having to avoid other family members whom I like, as well. We don't get together often as we're spread over the entire Northeast at this point.

We have an unhealthy animosity toward anyone locked up in this country. If you do time for most any offense, we vilify you. You're irredeemable. Hell, your uncle may have been abused himself. That's typically what sparks an abuser. Perhaps he may share that and in that way have something in COMMON with your wife? We need more empathy and less hatred. And not just for you. For your wife, as well.

He was likely molested himself. That's not an excuse for doing it to others. My wife doesn't even want to see him, never mind converse.

Indeed, he was a victim. It's pathological that victims often become abusers. To throw them out with the trash is to perpetuate the cycle of abuse, and make sure it carries on. Your attitude in no way helps your wife, or people like her.

 

[GaryDog]

If you'd read all the way to the bottom before posting, you would have seen my comment this morning confirming Westwall's correctness in this matter.

I just noticed, although I am not going to applaud Westwall for making baseless assumptions without knowing all the information.

My wife is a PhD psychologist. I am very adept at reading between the lines, added to the extraordinary length of time he had to serve in prison it was a no brainer. Every study done about the recidivism rates are based on incredibly poor factual data. Thus you get wildly variable estimates of recidivism. However, one of my wifes friends is the head of the Denver area (Arapahoe Country) mental health division, and according to her internal numbers there is a 100% recidivism rate. The reason being the perpetrators truly believe the children love them. There are other studies that show it to be incurable, once again because of the underlying belief that they are completely normal and do not understand that children are incapable of making those sorts of decisions.

There is loads of research available but it is all behind paywalls so I am unable to link you to it.

I see, so you're citing third-hand anecdotal evidence about one county in Colorado. Great.

 

[Anathema]

Indeed, he was a victim. It's pathological that victims often become abusers. To throw them out with the trash is to perpetuate the cycle of abuse, and make sure it carries on. Your attitude in no way helps your wife, or people like her.

I'm not throwing anyone out. I'm simply suggesting that I have no interest in associating with a convicted sex offender. He's gone from prey to predator. THAT is the difference between him and my wife, and why I have little to no compassion for him.

On the other hand my wife is still a victim. I have the greatest respect and compassion for what she went through and is still going through. I'm pretty much the only one there to help her deal with it.

 

[GaryDog]

Indeed, he was a victim. It's pathological that victims often become abusers. To throw them out with the trash is to perpetuate the cycle of abuse, and make sure it carries on. Your attitude in no way helps your wife, or people like her.

I'm not throwing anyone out. I'm simply suggesting that I have no interest in associating with a convicted sex offender. He's gone from prey to predator. THAT is the difference between him and my wife, and why I have little to no compassion for him.

On the other hand my wife is still a victim. I have the greatest respect and compassion for what she went through and is still going through. I'm pretty much the only one there to help her deal with it.

Sounds like she could use FAR better help.

 

[Compost]

Anathema owes his loyalty to his wife first. If his wife's difficulties are likely to be exacerbated by the presence of Uncle Ex-convict, it makes no sense that Anathema would bring his wife to a gathering where Uncle Ex-convict is present.

 

[IsaacNewton]

I got word from my mother this evening that the Black Sheep of our family (my father's youngest brother) will likely be getting out of prison next April.

If so, he will have served 8 years of a 15 year sentence for multiple Child Endangerment and Invasion of Privacy charges he plead guilty to in 2009. These were related to a home photography business he ran. He will have to register as a sex offender and will be on lifetime parole.

Some of you know that my wife was raped and sexually assaulted on multiple occasions as a pre-teen. She still suffers the PTSD effects of those incidents even after nearly a decade of counseling (she repressed the memories for over a decade).

Assuming my uncle is released, there is a very high probability that he will be at certain family events that my wife and I also attend.

My wife has made it extremely clear that she wants nothing to do with him. I agree and feel the same way. However, my mother has made it very clear that she wants and expects me (not my wife) to at least be cordial to him at these events. I'd rather simply avoid him completely. If for no other reason than keeping me from causing a scene when I kick his ass.

What do you folks think? Any advice or suggestions on how to handle this sort of situation?

Are you kidding, for you wife you just don't go. With all the toxic history there it would be best to avoid contact.

 

[Coyote]

Thread has been moved to The Lounge, as it's a better fit - please remember Lounge Rules apply

 

[westwall]

If you'd read all the way to the bottom before posting, you would have seen my comment this morning confirming Westwall's correctness in this matter.

I just noticed, although I am not going to applaud Westwall for making baseless assumptions without knowing all the information.

My wife is a PhD psychologist. I am very adept at reading between the lines, added to the extraordinary length of time he had to serve in prison it was a no brainer. Every study done about the recidivism rates are based on incredibly poor factual data. Thus you get wildly variable estimates of recidivism. However, one of my wifes friends is the head of the Denver area (Arapahoe Country) mental health division, and according to her internal numbers there is a 100% recidivism rate. The reason being the perpetrators truly believe the children love them. There are other studies that show it to be incurable, once again because of the underlying belief that they are completely normal and do not understand that children are incapable of making those sorts of decisions.

There is loads of research available but it is all behind paywalls so I am unable to link you to it.

I see, so you're citing third-hand anecdotal evidence about one county in Colorado. Great.

No, I also mentioned all of the studies that are behind paywalls so can't provide a link. Please read my posts fully instead of trying to pick stupid fights for no reason.

 

[Coyote]

If family gatherings are infrequent, and you would like to go to see other members, can you go and simply avoid him?

It sounds like a tricky situation. I believe in second chances, once one has served prison time - but - it's hugely different when it is a member of your own family that's at the heart of it.

 

[Anathema]

Sounds like she could use FAR better help.

What she really needs is for certain members of her family to get over their egos and personal pride so she can bring them into her healing process. Unfortunately, I don't see either of her parents or her sisters doing that. They would rather ignore, forget, or downplay what happened for their own benefit, even if it prolongs my wife's suffering.

 

[Anathema]

Anathema owes his loyalty to his wife first. If his wife's difficulties are likely to be exacerbated by the presence of Uncle Ex-convict, it makes no sense that Anathema would bring his wife to a gathering where Uncle Ex-convict is present.

True. That's been considered as an option and is still on the table. Unfortunately that means essentially cutting ourselves off from most of my family relative to holidays and family gatherings (weddings, funerals, reunions, etc...) which we don't really want to do.

 

[Coyote]

Sounds like she could use FAR better help.

What she really needs is for certain members of her family to get over their egos and personal pride so she can bring them into her healing process. Unfortunately, I don't see either of her parents or her sisters doing that. They would rather ignore, forget, or downplay what happened for their own benefit, even if it prolongs my wife's suffering.

One of my best friends was molested by her brother and it continues to mess with her, even with therapy and a lot of insight. Her family downplayed it, and he passed away at a young age in a motorcycle accident so it was never resolved. Things like that never really go away.

 

[Anathema]

If family gatherings are infrequent, and you would like to go to see other members, can you go and simply avoid him?

It sounds like a tricky situation. I believe in second chances, once one has served prison time - but - it's hugely different when it is a member of your own family that's at the heart of it.

We can go and see people individually. What this really affects are group outings like holidays, weddings, funerals, our yearly reunion, etc....

 

[Papageorgio]

Any function he attends I simply would not. He's a pariah and he will do nothing but harm to your family.

He is only a pariah when you have self righteous crusaders acting like they are any better.

This guys crimes all seem like they should be misdemeanors.

Wrong. Any contact with him will be a constant source of irritation to the wife. The dude's a pedophile. They have a 100% recidivism rate.

Link? Seems high.

But I know, I know, it's the era of Trump. Facts need not apply.

Even when it's not about politics, some nutjob makes it political.

 

[Papageorgio]

If you'd read all the way to the bottom before posting, you would have seen my comment this morning confirming Westwall's correctness in this matter.

I just noticed, although I am not going to applaud Westwall for making baseless assumptions without knowing all the information.

My wife is a PhD psychologist. I am very adept at reading between the lines, added to the extraordinary length of time he had to serve in prison it was a no brainer. Every study done about the recidivism rates are based on incredibly poor factual data. Thus you get wildly variable estimates of recidivism. However, one of my wifes friends is the head of the Denver area (Arapahoe Country) mental health division, and according to her internal numbers there is a 100% recidivism rate. The reason being the perpetrators truly believe the children love them. There are other studies that show it to be incurable, once again because of the underlying belief that they are completely normal and do not understand that children are incapable of making those sorts of decisions.

There is loads of research available but it is all behind paywalls so I am unable to link you to it.

I see, so you're citing third-hand anecdotal evidence about one county in Colorado. Great.

No, I also mentioned all of the studies that are behind paywalls so can't provide a link. Please read my posts fully instead of trying to pick stupid fights for no reason.

Worked as a minister in the prison system and what you are saying is pretty much what the staff, medical and non medical will tell you. Most of the abuser will tell you they will never be cured. They are a very manipulative group.