Jokes

[lg325]

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

Kurt Vonnegut

 

[Ringo]

My great-grandfather told me that as soon as he saw the Titanic, he immediately said that this ship would sink. But no one listened to him. He tried to warn people, but all in vain: he was called an old drunk and kicked out of the cinema

- Young man, don't you want to meet an interesting girl?
- Get lost!
— Who taught you to talk to girls like that?!
- My wife.

The first day of a young family's life together. The husband sits down to lunch. Wife pours him soup. Husband:
- Why is the soup so thin and without meat?
- I don't know. I cooked exactly according to the recipe from the cookbook left over from your great-grandmother.
- And what does it say?
"Take nickel worth of meat..."

 

[Who_Me?]

Some quotes from famous and some not so famous people......

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” Dali Lama

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties Bob Hope

To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say, you too can be president of the United States. George W. Bush

“Never tell your problems to anyone...80% don't care and the other 20% are glad you have them.” Lou Holtz

“If you want to see who truly loves you in this life, lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car. In a couple of hours, open it, and see which one is happy to see you.” – Lou Holtz

"The highlight of my baseball career came in Philadelphia's Connie Mack Stadium when I saw a fan fall out of the upper deck." Bob Uecker

“I’m playing blackjack, and there was a sign over the table that said, ‘If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER.’ So I call and I say, ‘Listen, I have a jack and a seven . . .’” Dennis Hull

"Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks." Dennis Miller

"The Cowboy's defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts." - Dennis Miller

"That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO." - Dennis Miller

“I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's.” -Alex Karras

 

[Stann]

Covid dick is real, it's also known as Ron DeSantis.

 

[froggy]

 

[Ringo]

After the wife 's phrase:"I want fried salted strawberries so much," the father of seven children lost consciousness.

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

Well then, as jokes go, trump was the worst joke ever. Like all evil men, his misdeeds will live long after him.

How far is your head shoved up your butt then?
You don't see what the DementiacRats are doing to this country? Of course not.
You've got Trumpitis. He's gone and out of the White House, but thats all you focus on.

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

Covid dick is real, it's also known as Ron DeSantis.

How many months did it take you to come up with this boring little ditty?

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

 

[Stann]

A rather homely prostitute office to give a man a blowjob for 25 bucks. To which he replies, " I just got out of prison, I'm not that horny. "

 

[Ringo]

Three blondes have died, they are standing at the gates of paradise. The Apostle Peter comes out to them and says:

-It is quite easy to get to heaven, you just need to demonstrate at least some knowledge of the Holy Scriptures. I'll ask you some simple question. Well, for example - what is Easter?
The first blonde says:
- Easter is when people decorate the Christmas tree and congratulate each other on the night of December 31 to January 1!
Apostle:
- Wrong, you going to hell...
The second blonde:
-Easter is when people trick each other on April 1!!
Apostle:
- Wrong, also, to hell...
The third blonde:
- Easter is an old holiday, when Jesus was crucified on the cross, he hung there for 3 days, his body was put in a cave, and the exit was rolled up with a huge stone...
The apostle, struck by the blonde's education:
- Well, go on!!

Blonde:
- Now every year this stone is rolled back - and if Jesus sees his shadow, then winter will last another 2 weeks....

 

[Ringo]

"Why are time travelers constantly trying to kill me?! I'm just an artist." (с)Adolf Hitler, 1914

 

[froggy]