Jokes

[Votto]

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
“Fifty dollars!” she would cry out from the curb.

“No, Five dollars!” fired back Clinton ..





This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He’d run by and she’d yell, “Fifty dollars!” And he’d yell back, “Five dollars!”

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog! As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the “pro” would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker!

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute’s eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled…
See what you get for five bucks!?”

 

[Votto]

I hate being bipolar,

It's awesome!

 

[Crepitus]

Good stuff guys, thank you for posting.

Here's my contribution:

A pirate walks into a bar, and he's got a ships wheel sticking out the front of his pants. Everyone stares of course but he just walks up to the bar, or rather sidles up because he's got a ships wheel sticking out if his pants, and orders a large rum.

The bartender, trying not to stare, serves him and asks "I have to ask, do you know you have a ships wheel sticking out the front of your pants?"

The pirate replies "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

 

[Votto]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs..
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

 

[Votto]

God and Adam talked about Adam's being alone in Paradise:

God: So I can make you a wonderful companion: Beautiful, intelligent, sexy, a servant to all your whims.
Adam: what would that cost me?
God: An arm and a leg.
Adam: What can I get for a rib?

 

[Votto]

Conversation during Obama era

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 5.6%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 23%.

COSTELLO: You just said 5.6%.

ABBOTT: 5.6% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 5.6% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 23%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 23% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 5.6%.

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE......Is it 5.6% or 23%?

ABBOTT: 5.6% are unemployed. 23% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work, you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, Obama said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how it gets to 5.6%. Otherwise it would be 23%.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a Democrat.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Hillary.

 

[Votto]

So this guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink. As he does his pet monkey jumps up and runs over to the pool table where he promptly grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole. The bartender yells, "Your monkey just ate my cue ball!" The man finishes his drink, apologizes, and then pays for the drink and the cue ball and leaves.

The next day the man returns with his monkey. The bartender looks at him and says, "You better watch that monkey of yours or he will put you in the poor house. The monkey then looks up at the bartender, runs over to a bowl of cherries, and promptly inserts it in his rear before eating it. The bartender looks up in disbelief and says, "That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen! Why did he do that? To which the man replied, "He now measures things before eating them"

 

[Votto]

One Sunday at my church the preacher stood up and said "anyone with a special need come forward and I will pray for your special need". Well Leroy comes up to the altar and the preacher says, "Leroy, what is your special need" and Leroy says "Preacher, I need help with my hearing" And the preacher says, ok Leroy, lets pray for your hearing. And he starts praying. And he prayed and prayed and got louder and louder and the congregation joined in and started praying for Leroy' hearing. After about 30 minutes of praying the preacher said "Well Leroy, did that help with your hearing?" And Leroy replied "I don't know Preacher, my hearing ain't until Friday"

 

[Admiral Rockwell Tory]

A young man rushes into a bar and slaps his money of the bar, and says, "Bartender, I need a whiskey right away!" The bartender pours him a shot and the man young man slams it back immediately!

"So what's the occasion?" asks the bartender?

"I am celebrating my first blow job!" said the young man.

"Well, congratulations! Have another one on the house!", at which he pours another drink and the young man slams it back also.

"That must have been one hell of a blowjob!", said the bartender. "Want another one?" he asked.

The young man just shook his head no, and said, "No thanks! If two shots won't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't think a third will either!"

 

[Votto]

I just got done starting a company that makes land mines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof

 

[Votto]

Mexican and Muslim jokes are all the same.

One you have heard Juan, you have heard Ahmal

 

[Votto]

I have a stepladder. I never knew my real ladder

 

[Votto]

I worry about ICE coming to get these innocent illegal aliens. All I know is, after Trump was elected, many Latinos are now living under a constant state of fear of deportation. In fact, I worry deeply about my Latino mother-in-law that lives at 1353 4rth Street, LA 90023, blue house on the corner, she gets off work at 6 P.M.

Incidentally, what is the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?

Outlaws are wanted.

 

[Votto]

"Doctor, please help. My husband thinks he's a rooster!"

"How long has this been going on?"

"Ever since he was a chick!"

 

[Votto]

in this world there are only 10 kinds of people, those who understand binary and those who don't

 

[Votto]

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist are interviewing for a job.

At the end of the mathematician's interview, the interviewer asks "And last, what is 2 + 2?"
"4," the mathematician answers.

At the end of the accountant's interview, the interviewer asks "And last, what is 2 + 2?"
"4, give or take 5% for error," the accountant replies.

At the end of the economist's interview, the interviewer asks "And last, what is 2 + 2?"
The economist peers around the room, goes to the window and shuts the blinds, goes to the door and locks it. He dims the lights, sidles up close to the interviewer and whispers, "What do you need it to equal?"

 

[Votto]

Easter Joke

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.
The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.
The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.
The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, so, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder...
"St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

 

[SaxxyBlues]

A Japanese woman went to the bank to exchange yen to US dollars.

The teller gave her $100. A few weeks later, she gave the teller the same amount of yen, but she was given only $90.

She said, "What wrong? I give yen, you only give 90 dorrah?!"

The teller shrugged and said "Fluctuations?"

The woman said "Fuck you white peopre too."

 

[The Professor]

OK, here is my humble contribution:

Do you know why Southern Baptists don't have sex standing up?

Because they're afraid people will think they are dancing.

 

[Votto]

So the future, present, and past all walk into a bar for a drink.

It was tense.