Jokes

[SaxxyBlues]

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.

He sat down at the bar next to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and stared up at the TV as the 10 o'clock news came on

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building, preparing to jump.

Alexandria looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack said, "You know what, I bet he will" Alexandria replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!”

Just as she placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. She was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

Alexandria replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.

Then Alexandria went back to work in the U.S. Congress…

 

[MisterBeale]

 

[Wyld Kard]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

 

[Wyld Kard]

One day Jane found Tarzan in the jungle. He was lean and muscular and she was very attracted to him. During the course of their conversation, she asked what he did for sex.

"Sex?" he asked. "What's that?"

She explained what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree!"

Horrified, Jane said, "Oh, Tarzan you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly." She took off her dress, dropped to the ground and spread her legs wide.
"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and gave her a powerful kick in the crotch with his foot. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees first!"

 

[Votto]

Chastity certainly has it's down side.

For example, don't die a virgin, there are terrorists waiting for you up there!

 

[williepete]

A salesman is driving down a road by an Air Force base and develops car trouble. He pulls into a mechanic's shop for help. The mechanic tells him it will be a while so the man goes for a walk. He sees a pet shop and decides to go in to kill some time.

While in the shop this Air Force buck sergeant walks in and points to a monkey in a cage. The clerk hands over the cage and the sergeant gives him a check for 10,000 bucks.
"Wow", the salesman says. "That's an expensive monkey."

"Not really." says the clerk. "You see that's a specially trained monkey. It's a crew chief monkey. It can refuel a jet and service hydraulics and oil. It can even make minor repairs."

Just then an Air Force Staff Sergeant walks in and points to another monkey in a cage and another transaction takes place, this time the sergeant pays 20,000 bucks.

"Holy Toledo." says the salesman. "20 large for a monkey?!"

"Ah, that's not just any monkey sir, that's a trained avionics monkey. It can install and tune a radar, work on radios and even maintain classified jamming equipment."

"Amazing." says the salesman.

A bit later, in walks an Air Force Technical Sergeant who plunks down 30,000 bucks while pointing to a caged monkey then out he walks with his purchase.

"Now this I can't believe." says the salesman. What type of special training has that monkey had?"

"That monkey is an armorer." says the clerk. "It can load weapons ranging from cannon to rockets to bombs. It can install and remove fuses. It can arm up aircraft before they takeoff and safe them up after they land."

The salesman lets out a low whistle. He continues to walk around the shop and stops in front of a monkey cage. The monkey looks up at him, flips him the finger, farts then starts to pick his nose. Attached to the cage is a price tag of 100,000 bucks.

"Noooooo way!" says the salesman. "What does this monkey know how to do?"

The clerk says, "I'm not sure. The papers that it came with says it's a fighter pilot but I'll I've seen him do since he's been here is drink beer and play with his pecker."

 

[Votto]

So this guy walks up to the bartender and asked if there were any cheap drinks to order cuz he was low on cash. The bartender says, "Sure, it's called the Russian collusion" and it's only a dollar. The man says, "Great, I'll have a glass!". So the bartender gives him a glass and the man says, "But this is an empty glass". Bartender replies, "Yep, sure is and that will be a dollar."

 

[DustyInfinity]

So the future, present, and past all walk into a bar for a drink.

It was tense.

You should be ashamed of yourself for that one. I laughed anyway.

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

 

[NoBueno]

Guy: " Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant. We always use protection, so how is it possible?"
Doctor: "Let me tell you a story. There was this hunter once who always carried a gun whenever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion, and it died!

Guy: "Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion!
Doctor:" Good! You understood the story!
Next patient please!"

So, this dyslexic walks into a bra...

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

I met a girl at the nightclub the other night.

We had a great time, and there was clearly chemistry between us.

She invited me back to her apartment...

When I walked in, she had a huge banner of the former Soviet Union on on her living room wall.

It was a big red flag.

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

 

[Votto]

Joe Biden looks more confused than a lawyer writing up Ihan Omar's prenup.

 

[Who_Me?]

One morning a guy looked our his window and saw a gorilla in his tree in the yard. Not knowing what to do he began calling pest control companies. After many tries he reached a guy who said he could remove the gorilla from his yard.

So the pest control guy comes out, and with him he brings a baseball bat, a pair of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun. The homeowner asked him, "how are you going to get the gorilla with this stuff?"

The pest control guy says, "OK, this chihuahua is specially trained to bite the genitals of anyone that jumps in front of him. I'm going to climb the tree with the baseball bat, I'll hit the fingers of the gorilla. He will fall out of the tree in front of the chihuahua. The chihuahua will bite the genitals of the gorilla. The gorilla will cover his genitals with his hands. You will slap the handcuffs on the gorilla's wrists and we'll take him away!"

The homeowner said, "What's the shotgun for?" The pest control guy replied, "If I fall out of the tree first, shoot the flippin chihuahua!"

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?​

None. They only *talk* about change.

I just found out my Grandpa, a lifelong Republican voted Democratic in 2020.​

This would never happened if he were still alive!

The Democrats​

A Democrat politician visited a remote little town in the Appalachians and asked the inhabitants what the Democrat party could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the Mayor.. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The Democrat whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have no cellphone reception at all here in these mountains."

A Democrat and a Republican were walking along the beach when they spotted a bottle.​

They picked it up and a genie popped out.

"I will grant you each one wish, whatever you desire", said the genie.

The Democrat said, "I would like for my fellow liberals and I to live the life and exist under the form of government we believe in!" POOF! All the Democrats in America were whisked away to Venezuela.

The genie turns to the Republican and said, "And what is your wish?"

The Republican paused for a second and said, "You mean to tell me that all the Democrats in America are gone?"

The genie answered, "Yes!"

The Republican goes, "In that case, I'll take a beer."

Why does texas have no power?​

Democrats stole the electrons.

Did you hear about Monica Lewinsky becoming a Republican?​

Apparently, the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

What does a double sided dildo have in common with democrats?​

No matter what side you pick your fucked.

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

​

A Democrat and a Republican were walking along the beach when they spotted a bottle.​

They picked it up and a genie popped out.

"I will grant you each one wish, whatever you desire", said the genie.

The Democrat said, "I would like for my fellow liberals and I to live the life and exist under the form of government we believe in!" POOF! All the Democrats in America were whisked away to Venezuela.

The genie turns to the Republican and said, "And what is your wish?"

The Republican paused for a second and said, "You mean to tell me that all the Democrats in America are gone?"

The genie answered, "Yes!"

The Republican goes, "In that case, I'll take a beer."

I went offshore fishing with my buddy, Billybob, in our rowboat the other day.

Out of nowhere, a big storm came and pushed us far out to sea. We were hopelessly lost.

So we kept fishing and caught lots of fish.

After a couple of days, we saw a bottle floating nearby, so we rowed over to it. When we opened it up, to our surprise, out pops a genie!

The genie thanks us for freeing him, and grants us one wish.

I said, "hey, aren't we supposed to get three wishes?"

Genie replied, "you get one. Use it wisely."

I said, "okay, Billybob, let's think about his very carefully, we don't want to..."

Billybob blurts out, "Turn the whole ocean into beer!"

Poof! Just like that, the genie disappeared, and the whole ocean turned to beer.

I yelled at Billybob, "look what you've done!"

"Billybob says, "what's wrong, Jim? This is great, we're catching plenty of fish and now have unlimited beer! What could be better?!"

I exclaimed, "you big dummy, now we have to pee in the boat!"

 

[miketx]

Three men one from Florida, one from Texas, and one from New York all die and go to hell

When they get there they see a big red phone and they asked Satan what it's for, he says it's for calling earth but it's super expensive. The man from Texas says "Great I would love to call my hometown in Dallas" he talks for 2 hours and Satan charges him 2 million dollars. The man from Florida says he would love to call his hometown in Miami beach so he calls and speaks for 3 hours and satan charges him 3 million. The man from NY says he would love to call his hometown in NYC so he calls and speaks for 4 hours and satan charges him 4 dollars.
Enraged the men from Texas and Florida ask Satan why is it so cheap for a call to New York.
Well, says Satan ever since Cuomo became governor and New York went to hell - it's a local call

 

[MelanieWi1l]

An officer sees a man exit a bar at closing time and get into his car. After observing some erratic driving, he pulls the man over.
The officer asks the driver, “Where are you going at this time of night?”
The man replies, “I’m on my way to attend a lecture about alcohol abuse and its effects on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer asks, “Who would give that kind of lecture at this time of night?”
The man says, “My wife.”

 

[miketx]

Guy: " Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant. We always use protection, so how is it possible?"
Doctor: "Let me tell you a story. There was this hunter once who always carried a gun whenever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion, and it died!

Guy: "Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion!
Doctor:" Good! You understood the story!
Next patient please!"

So, this dyslexic walks into a bra...