Jokes

[miketx]

A pastor a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender said, you gotta be fucking kidding me!

This guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables. Bartender tells him not to try and start anything.

 

[Who_Me?]

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.”
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, “you protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.”
The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

 

[Ringo]

A crisis. A hungry composer is sitting at home, no work, no money. And then a familiar director calls him and says: listen, I'm making a film here, I need music for the final credits, can you write? I won’t pay money, but maybe they will be interested in you and your career will go up.
- Yes, no question, I’ll write. What topic?
- Well, in short, there in the final a leaf will fall from a tree, we will shoot it in close-up, and music is needed for this.
Well, the composer did not sleep for a week, composed and delivered. And this director invites him to the premiere of the film. The composer enters the hall, and there is emptiness, only a very elderly couple sits there. Well, he thinks, you never know, he probably decided to show the film to his closest ones, such an honor.
The light turns off, the film begins. Against the background of beautiful nature, there is a tree, a beautiful chick rested against it, and behind her some jock ****ing her in the ass . Then another couple joins them, they change. Then new characters, blacks, dwarfs, psychos appear and a massive **** happens. Then a little spaniel comes running and has them all, and then they all have a spaniel in the ass. And then the camera takes a close-up of a leaf on a tree, it comes off, falls, incredibly beautiful lyrical music sounds and the credits go.
The light turns on, the ****ed-up composer automatically walks to the exit and, by chance, his gaze rests on an elderly couple. Those sit with their mouths open in complete shock. And the composer did not come up with anything better than squeezed out of himself:
- The music is mine.
The old man turned his head, and muttered through his parched lips:
- And dog is ours ...

 

[Ringo]

- Our priest talks to God every day.
- How do you know?
- He said so himself.
- And what if he's lying?
- How can a person, who talks to God every day, lie?!
_
Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 9th decade and never married. Everyone admired her kindness and responsiveness. One day the pastor came to her to discuss the festive mass and she invited him into the living room. Beatrice asked the pastor to sit down and wait while she made tea.
Looking at her old Hammond organ at home, he suddenly noticed on the lacquered lid of the instrument a pretty vessel with water in which a condom was brazenly floating. When Beatrice returned with a tray of steaming tea and scented biscuits, they began to talk.
The pastor tried to hide his curiosity, but he couldn't help it. Miss Beatrice, "he said, pointing to the jar, "can you tell me about this subject?"
"You noticed it, too! - the organist exclaimed -"Isn't he beautiful?"
Last august, I was walking through the park and found this little bag in the grass. The instructions read: place it on the organ, keep it moist and this will prevent the spread of a possible disease.
"You know, I haven't had the flu all winter!

 

[yidnar]

how do you make a democrat shout for joy and then scream in horror ?
1st you fuck him in the ass .
and then you wipe your dick off on his drapes .

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

how do you make a democrat shout for joy and then scream in horror ?
1st you fuck him in the ass .
and then you wipe your dick off on his drapes .

Us real Conservatives don't talk like that, and we certainly don't post it on-line.

We strive to set an example for others, including children. We don't stoop to the level of Progressives these days.

Please take note. Not funny. Gross.

Regards,
Jim

 

[yidnar]

how do you make a democrat shout for joy and then scream in horror ?
1st you fuck him in the ass .
and then you wipe your dick off on his drapes .

Us real Conservatives don't talk like that, and we certainly don't post it on-line.

We strive to set an example for others, including children. We don't stoop to the level of Progressives these days.

Please take note. Not funny. Gross.

Regards,
Jim

yeah youre right ...that joke is a bit to much ....

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

The other night I took my wife to a fine Chinese restaurant.

After we ordered, I watched my waiter bring out our food, only to serve it to another table.

I said to my wife, “that’s weird, our waiter just served our food to another table. I bet that Chinese guy thinks all of us White people look alike”

My wife replied, “that’s not our waiter, honey.”

 

[miketx]

The other night I took my wife to a fine Chinese restaurant.

After we ordered, I watched my waiter bring out our food, only to serve it to another table.

I said to my wife, “that’s weird, our waiter just served our food to another table. I bet that Chinese guy thinks all of us White people look alike”

My wife replied, “that’s not our waiter, honey.”

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

Q: How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it really gets screwed.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: Why can't John Kerry tell a joke?
A: Because all the botox keeps him from smiling!

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.

Q: What do Democrats and porn stars have in common?
A: They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead Democrat in the road?
A: Vultures will eat the skunk.

Q: How do you confuse a Liberal?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: What do you call an honest man in the Oval Office?
A: Lost.

Q: How do democrats keep their breath fresh?
A: With Entitle-mints.

Q: What's the difference between a car and a politician.
A: You get to test-drive a car.

Q: What did the DNC say to Russia?
A: We are going to build a Great Firewall and make the hackers pay for it.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What's worse than Bill Clinton calling you a womanizer?
A: Marc Foley calling you a pervert!

Q: What do you get when you cross a corrupt politician with a despicable lawyer?
A: Chelsea.

 

[miketx]

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Used to be called a jumpoline until the democrats mom jumped on it.

 

[bluzman61]

Here's an off-color riddle. Q : What do an aging prizefighter and Dracula's mistress have in common? A : They both go down for the count.

 

[bluzman61]

Another riddle for y'all. Q : Why is it so difficult to teach and old cow new tricks? A : Because everything goes in one ear and out the UDDER.

 

[asaratis]

Dating Advice From The Rabbi

​

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

To heck with political correctness!

A man walks up to a counter and says . . .​

A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"

"Well, sir . . . this is a hardware store."

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

Coronavirus one-liners...

I always wanted to have some more time at home so I could tackle some house cleaning jobs that I had put off. Now I realize that having more time at home was not the problem.

I'll tell you another coronavirus joke... You probably won't get it.

If this toilet paper shortage continues, I may have to subscribe to the New York Times.

The other day in the grocery store, I felt a cough coming on. So I farted really loud to cover it up so people would not stare.

The other day at the bank, two guys came in wearing masks. Then they yelled "this is a stickup!" Everyone let out a sigh of relief.

If the salons stay closed much longer, COVID is going to turn 80% of blondes into brunettes.

It's a good thing that there is not an intestinal virus going around. All the stores would be sold out of nasal spray.

Whoever said one person can't change the world never ate an under-cooked bat.

If this COVID thing was as deadly as they told us, Social Security would be solvent again.

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

Intelligent Jokes / Nerd Humor
(lots of these are really good and exceptionally witty)

1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?”

The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says “I don’t know.” The third logician says “Yes!”

4. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.

Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”

Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found Pascal!”



5. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

6. Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

7. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bar tender: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The forth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a …” The bar tender interrupts: “Oh, the hell with the lot of ya!” …and he pours a single full beer.

8. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please”.

9. The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

10. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl”?
The logician replies: “yes”.

11. Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

12. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.

13. Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

14. Two men walk into a bar, the first orders H2O, the second says “I’ll have H2O too!” The second man dies.

15. A neutron walks into a bar. He orders a beer and asks the bartender how much he owes. The bartender replies, “For you? No charge.”

16. There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who know binary and those who don’t.

17. A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies “No I’m traveling light”.

18. Two atoms are walking down the street. The first one stops and says “I think I just lost an electron!” The second one replies “Are you sure?”

“I’m positive!”

19. Q: What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? A: Beer

20. A mathematician finishes a large meal and says: √(-1/64)

21. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?

He’s 0K now.

22. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.

23. A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room, and at the other end was a beautiful scantily-dressed woman. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician says “this is pointless!”, and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out: “don’t you see, you’ll never reach her?”. To which the engineer replied: “so what? Pretty soon I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes!”.

24. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything”. The vendor makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. “Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Buddhist monk. The vendor replied, “Change must come from within.”