Jokes

[Andy65]

A guy walks down the street and is suddenly accompanied by a penguin.
A little later he spots a policeman and asks him what he has to do with the penguin.
The policeman tells him to take the penguin to the zoo.
The next day the policeman sees the guy again. The penguin is wearing a party hat and is licking on an ice-cream cone.
The policeman walks up to the guy and says, "I told you yesterday to go to the zoo!".
The guy replies: "We did. Today we go to the movies.".

 

[Larsky]

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week.'

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

 

[asaratis]

True story:

Wife: Do my legs look fat?
Me: No, darlin', that's not fat. That's cellulite.

The bruise on my arm took months to go away.

 

[sear]

The talented conservative strutted into a bar and asked the nubile bartenderess for a double-entendre.
So she gave it to him.

 

[asaratis]

 

[asaratis]

Tell Daddy at Dinner

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

Q: What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?

A: In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

Q: How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?

A: All the red flags.

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

The star of Cake Boss was 
arrested for DWI.
Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.

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A pride of lions, a gaggle of geese … and here’s how we might classify these groups: • A brat of boys • A giggle of girls • A stagger of drunks • A tedium of accountants • A stitch of doctors • A whine of losers • A jerk of politicians

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Dollar Tree bought Family Dollar for about $8 billion. It would have been $10 billion, but Family Dollar was dented.

 

[asaratis]

CHECK YOUR OIL
​

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Coastal Alabama
~~~~
Coastal Mississippi
~~~~
Coastal Texas
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
~~~
And Texas

~~~

Our dipstick is located in the White House!

 

[asaratis]

 

[Captain Caveman]

If you think you had a rough day.

Just think about Michelle Obama's Proctologist

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

Little Johnny meets Nancy Pelosi.​

Nancy Pelosi was visiting a primary school in Tampa and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs. Pelosi if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Democrat asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Pelosi , "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Pelosi .
"That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Pelosi searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Pelosi , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"

 

[asaratis]

A wealthy elderly lady asked her minister if her recently deceased

beloved pet dog could be buried in the church’s cemetery with a

religious service. “I’m sorry,” the minister answered, “but we

Baptist don’t perform religious burial services on dogs.” “That’s

too bad,” the lady said, “I was prepared to donate ten thousand

dollars for such a ceremony in my dog’s name.” “Wait a minute,”

the minister answered. “You didn’t tell me the dog was a Baptist.”

 

[Ringo]

Armstrong, coming out of the rocket, uttered a historical phrase:
—That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. And he added in an undertone:
- Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.

Upon returning to Earth, for 10 years, persistent journalists tried to get an explanation of this phrase from Armstrong, but he answered all questions that he could not say anything. The question has become traditional, as has the answer. Suddenly, 10 years after the flight, he received a standard question at a press conference:
- And who is Mr. Gorsky anyway?
Armstrong unexpectedly replied that. since Gorsky is dead, he feels entitled to explain himself:
— When I was seven years old. my brother and I were playing baseball in the yard. My brother hit the ball too hard, and it fell under the bedroom windows of Gorsky, our neighbors . I ran to pick up the ball and heard Mrs. Gorsky say to her husband:
- Oral sex?! Do you want oral sex? You'll get it when the neighbor's boy walks on the moon!

 

[asaratis]

Just some jokes, folks!

 

[Ringo]

An Orthodox priest, a Сatolic padre and a rabbi argued: who does God love more? - I'm flying in an airplane, - says the priest, - suddenly I feel that the plane is falling. I began to pray, the plane straightened out and landed safely.
"I was driving along the highway," says the padre, " and suddenly I skidded right on the side of the road. I managed to turn to God, as the car straightened out, and I arrived safely.
"One day on the Sabbath," says the rabbi, " I was walking down the street and I saw a large bundle of dollars lying on the ground. What should I do, it is Shabbat! I began to pray to God. And what do you think? It turns out that everyone around has Saturday, and I have Thursday!

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]