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Go and see those that want you, In the desert. I have lived in the desert. You can understand its beauty when you look hard enough and long enough and have enough grief in your heart. After Glen died, I went to the desert to hide, to have all the parts of me burned off.Today was not very bad. Stayed really busy cleaning house and doing a bit of gardening down in the community garden area the manager gave all of us to tinker around with. If I stay busy, I don't fall apart. Nighttime is the bad part. But tonight I am doing ok so far. Tomorrow will be another kettle of yuckiness. I pick up Dennis' ashes with the death certificates for those who demand it...DMV, SS, Bank, etc. On Monday, my sister in law (she is married to Dennis' brother) will arrive and she will stay with me until the 25th. She is a dingaling but I really need her dingyness right now. She makes me laugh. After the tears and console each other (She always called him Denny), and I give her Dennis watch to take back to his brother, we should do ok in holding each other up. Once she is gone, I will probably be better in control of myself. Last time I saw her was November 2016 on Thanksgiving, so its been way too long. They live in Benson Az. I am considering maybe later on, going to live with them since they keep asking me to. But, i loathe desert, and my few friends here at the apts want me to stay put. And Dennis wanted me to stay put too cuz he said so these past few months hwen he got so sick and said if he died, to not move. He likes it here, and I hate it. But....utilities are paid and Dennis was always one for getting as much as possible in rentals and free utilities is a pretty good deal since it gets hotter than blazes in the summer. WIhch is why i hate it here so much. horris summres.
I want to thank everyone here for the posts and caring and prayers. When I said I was alone.....I was wrong. I have you guys. You guys are a blessing to me, and I mean that with all my heart. THANK you for being here.
My condolences, Miss Gracie. I fully believe that this is exactly the destination of those who love the Lord. I look forward to seeing my loved ones when my time comes. Best wishes for your future. May your memories bless you until that reunion comes.I will carry on the best I can, dear Dennis. Be with those who loved you that are already there. And breathe deep with fresh new lungs.
Sorry...just been being quiet. I'm dealing with it the best I can, but don't worry about me. I just need a bit of time to get used to him being gone. Thank you for asking, though.Gracie, i hope you are well ?if you could and come here and tell us how you are doing ?
So sorry Gracie, so sorryView attachment 601511
I will carry on the best I can, dear Dennis. Be with those who loved you that are already there. And breathe deep with fresh new lungs.
I am devastated.
I'm so sorry Gracie.. I always luved and read all your posts.. Hey Gracie? you really aren't alone. it just feels like it now.Thank you all. I'm so sorry I have not checked in. I am having a really hard time dealing with this. Very hard time. I miss him. 37 years. I am alone. All are gone. I am the last one standing and I have been the one that wants to go...none of them did. I did. Yet here I am. Alone. All I loved are gone. All of them.
View attachment 601511
I will carry on the best I can, dear Dennis. Be with those who loved you that are already there. And breathe deep with fresh new lungs.
I am devastated.
Hugs back. I rarely come here any more. Just had a gut feeling I should stop by. Now I know why.He is finally home. Not in the way I wanted, but he's here. Not a good day either. Tired. Sad. A bit angry. So today is the downer day some of you spoke about. Hopefully tomorrow will be a tad better.
Going to have a kahlua and milk over ice and lay down.
Hugs
Miss Gracie- crying can be very healing and use this time to heal and time is the only thing I can offer you that will make it less painful...hang in there and so many care for youBarb was here 4 days. She left yesterday. All that time she was here...not one sob from me. Then anne came and got my bed today. Been going at it 12 hours now...moving things around, staying busy, killing my back...and crying. Hit me around 7pm. Had two kahluas over milk and ice...strong, too......and it didn't make me free any better. Fell asleeo, woke up half an hour later, cried some more, had to change the pillow cases cuz they were all wet, did more piddling around, cried some more. I am so damn tired. But I don't want to go to bed. The apt looks very nice. A real apt. And my own bedroom. But something is missing. Something I miss dreadfully. Dennis. He is supposed to be here with me. This is just flat out dreadful. I keep a straight face during the day. I go about my business, laugh, joke with the scant few friends I have, and fall apart at night.
I talk to him all the time. In the car. Cleaning house. Cooking what little meals I fix for myself (down to 189 lbs now..been YEARS since I hit that mark), driving the van, walking the aisles in the stores. Everyone thinks I am crazy...ol lady talking her self. No. I am talking to my missing husband. If I talk to him..he isn't gone.
How long will this go on? I have no clue. I never really lost anyone before...except my beloved dogs. But this is a deeper hurt. A deeper loss. I am alone. I like being alone, but I don't like being alone. I know that doesn't make sense.
I think I will have yet another kahluah over milk and ice. Maybe I can pass out. Last time I got drunk was around 1986ish. I was so sick...and Dennis was trying to make me throw up so he was mentioning all kinds of horrid foods but nothing worked, until he said SUGAR. Sweet, gooey sugary snacks. That did it. I heaved all over the bathroom as he cracked up, and there I am with snot driveling down my face, puking, and laughing with him.
Oh God, I want him back.
You are wrong my friend. You have memories, many of them good ones. More important than stuff.I sold his car yesterday. Can't drive two cars. Can't afford it. So now even that is gone. He is disappearing. 37 years and all I have left are his ashes, his watch and his ring. And this hole in my heart.
