MrG has passed.

[beautress]

No. I haven't been eating. Lost more weight. Sick. Either its a stomach bug or an ulcer or something else. I have to get myself back together again because I promised Dennis I would put him in the ocean at home. That is a 6 hour drive from here. And his ashes are very heavy. How I can get him across the sand which is a long distance, to the rocks where the surf breaks on slippery rocks, is something I dread doing but I promised. So I have to get well soon, because I want to do it before summer sets in and I think its going to be an early summer. I will ask Anne to go with me. If she can't, then I go alone. I will not spend the night in Morro Bay because of the memories. I will probably stay in Cayucos or Cambria in a motel on the beach so I can hear the waves one last time, then head out early the next morning to return "home", which is not my home or our home and never has been. So home he goes, as he wished.

This is where I plan to scatter his ashes in the waves.

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View attachment 610506

Those poppies are amazing. What a thoughtful person to place his ashes in a place he loved. My husband loved his church very much, so we placed his ashes in the church prayer garden. His ashes belong there. Of our 44 years, he was active as a Presbyterian elder for more than 35 years. And he kept his fellow workers laughing with his jokes and his capability to make everybody in the room laughing, needless to mention every day in our home was like April 1, and I fell for every one of his jokes, so he made our home a place of love and laughter. Lucky me. My prayers are still up for you to receive comfort from on high. Love, becki

 

[sarahgop]

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I will carry on the best I can, dear Dennis. Be with those who loved you that are already there. And breathe deep with fresh new lungs.

I am devastated.

Prayers for you

 

[Gracie]

I am just not myself right now. Hence, not being around as much as I used to be. I guess I am still surprised and in shock he died. I mentioned before we were together 37 years. Stupid me didn't realize it was 42 years. That was a long time and now...nobody. I am still struggling to understand it and accept it as fact that he is gone and I will never look upon his face again or hear his laughter. And dealing with the guilt of my impatience with him.

I appreciate all that is said in this thread. I'm sorry I cannot be or do more. I stay in my apartment and rarely venture out unless its a "have to" situation, or just to get away from this jail cell that is nothing but memories...and silence.

Plus, I hate being a debbie downer and that is all I am right now. Best to avoid yall so I don't drag you down with me.

 

[task0778]

Words fail at a time like this. The best I can think of is to buy some birdseed and feed some birds somewhere. Get a plant and put it in the ground somewhere. Some people are spiritual and believe in an afterlife or maybe reincarnation, who knows? Find something that works for you to get through your day. As trite as it sounds, the passage of time does eventually heal a wounded heart, however slowly. Focus on the times and love you shared together, whatever brings a smile to your face.

 

[ClaireH]

I am just not myself right now. Hence, not being around as much as I used to be. I guess I am still surprised and in shock he died. I mentioned before we were together 37 years. Stupid me didn't realize it was 42 years. That was a long time and now...nobody. I am still struggling to understand it and accept it as fact that he is gone and I will never look upon his face again or hear his laughter. And dealing with the guilt of my impatience with him.

I appreciate all that is said in this thread. I'm sorry I cannot be or do more. I stay in my apartment and rarely venture out unless its a "have to" situation, or just to get away from this jail cell that is nothing but memories...and silence.

Plus, I hate being a debbie downer and that is all I am right now. Best to avoid yall so I don't drag you down with me.

I can only share my experience with the loss of my dad to try to connect to how tough it is right now for you. I loved my dad deeply, and was totally devastated following his death. It took a while to recover from his early and unexpected departure. I kept waiting for time to kick in and do it’s thing, but held on to anger longer than most due to the particulars. Anger and sadness ruled my days until getting into a firm routine during the day, where I’d cry at night. Crying in the shower is a good release using water as a healing source. Being busy helped greatly in the daytime, even when I didn’t feel like it I knew I would feel worse dwelling on my anger.

How you feel today will not be the exact way you feel as time will help balance the good memories over the bad.

With you love for nature and animals, what a wonderful suggestion Task made to feed birds, or plant a small anything in honor of Dennis. I planted a dwarf tree in memory of my dad so it’s easy to take care of and water when needed. I love talking to the birds trying to imitate their own song, and it helps me think of life beyond my own. You can draw the birds you enjoy in your area by the seed or fruit selection. Getting outside, weather permitting, even if you have little desire to do so. Sunshine is the best energy source and reduces depression significantly, even 15 minutes a day does wonders. There are many sunny days ahead Gracie you just can’t see them right now, but they are waiting for you.

I reread your post and came back to add: what about something new in your house, new colors of dish towels in your kitchen and a new tablecloth if you have one, little changes in a cheerful spring color scheme?

 

[BlackSand]

I am just not myself right now. Hence, not being around as much as I used to be. I guess I am still surprised and in shock he died. I mentioned before we were together 37 years. Stupid me didn't realize it was 42 years. That was a long time and now...nobody. I am still struggling to understand it and accept it as fact that he is gone and I will never look upon his face again or hear his laughter. And dealing with the guilt of my impatience with him.

I appreciate all that is said in this thread. I'm sorry I cannot be or do more. I stay in my apartment and rarely venture out unless its a "have to" situation, or just to get away from this jail cell that is nothing but memories...and silence.

Plus, I hate being a debbie downer and that is all I am right now. Best to avoid yall so I don't drag you down with me.

.

Whatever you think Gracie, Dennis doesn't hold anything against you.
He would know you miss him ... Be strong for him, because he wouldn't want you to suffer.
You have things left to do, and he'll always be with you.
Hang In There Gracie!

.

 

[Mindful]

For Gracie.

For all that we have lost.

 

[Foxfyre]

Thinking of you every day Gracie.

 

[ezratorton]

Thanks for this interesting information!

 

[Gracie]

My only close friend here in the apartments called me and said she had pressure in her chest...should she call an ambulance? I said YES, RIGHT NOW. I stayed with her (she lives across the hall), is 81 years old, and MrG loved her dearly. After tests were done, they found something they are concerned about so they are keeping her until Saturday and will be running a batter of tests. I am taking care of her dog for her and am praying the MrG "knows" his friend is there where he was and to make sure she comes home safe and sound. But it worries me. However, I do not have time to cry at the moment. All my concentration is now on her. She is the one that called the ambulance for him because he refused when I tried to do it. She held his hand as they talked religion or when he had a panic attack and I was of no help not knowing what to do.And now she is where he was. When she comes home healthier and safe, then I can go back to being a basket case.

 

[PinktheFloyd88]

I am sorry for your loss. May your memories of him be tender and bring you joy

 

[task0778]

You mentioned MrG "knowing" where his friend is, which means the hope/belief that there is an afterlife of some kind. Obviously, the corporeal body is dead but a whole lot of people believe that there is some sort of spiritual essence of a person that survives death and can in some way guide or comfort us when we need it, whether we even realize it or not. Some say that is a load of crap, and that's okay but it doesn't change the possibility that it is true. Me personally, I take some comfort in that possibility and the hope that one day we will be reunited again in some fashion. And so I made up my mind that for however much time I have left in this world I will live it rather than merely exist.

 

[Gracie]

And so I made up my mind that for however much time I have left in this world I will live it rather than merely exist.

I'm not there in that state of mind yet. I assume I eventually will, but not enough time has passed and therefore...I am just existing. Someday I will live a new again but it isn't now. I am still struggling with the thought I will never see him again in this lifetime. No, he is not in rehab for a month and will be home soon. No, I cannot get my nose swabbed to go see him in that hospital bed. No, he will not call to update me on his progress or lack thereof. No, he will no longer putter around the kitchen looking for a snack. No, I will no longer hear the hiss and thunk of his oxygen concentrator or see him walk out the door with his walker to do his exercise of up and down the hallway, No, I will no longer gaze on those ice blue eyes of his or help him in and out of the shower or pull his pants on or off or his shoes. It just cannot be. This is a horrid dream.

But its not.

I think once I find another place to live, I may be able to move on then.

Just not yet.

 

[IamZ]

I'm not there in that state of mind yet. I assume I eventually will, but not enough time has passed and therefore...I am just existing. Someday I will live a new again but it isn't now. I am still struggling with the thought I will never see him again in this lifetime. No, he is not in rehab for a month and will be home soon. No, I cannot get my nose swabbed to go see him in that hospital bed. No, he will not call to update me on his progress or lack thereof. No, he will no longer putter around the kitchen looking for a snack. No, I will no longer hear the hiss and thunk of his oxygen concentrator or see him walk out the door with his walker to do his exercise of up and down the hallway, No, I will no longer gaze on those ice blue eyes of his or help him in and out of the shower or pull his pants on or off or his shoes. It just cannot be. This is a horrid dream.

But its not.

I think once I find another place to live, I may be able to move on then.

Just not yet.

Sorry for your loss..

 

[task0778]

I'm not there in that state of mind yet. I assume I eventually will, but not enough time has passed and therefore...I am just existing. Someday I will live a new again but it isn't now. I am still struggling with the thought I will never see him again in this lifetime. No, he is not in rehab for a month and will be home soon. No, I cannot get my nose swabbed to go see him in that hospital bed. No, he will not call to update me on his progress or lack thereof. No, he will no longer putter around the kitchen looking for a snack. No, I will no longer hear the hiss and thunk of his oxygen concentrator or see him walk out the door with his walker to do his exercise of up and down the hallway, No, I will no longer gaze on those ice blue eyes of his or help him in and out of the shower or pull his pants on or off or his shoes. It just cannot be. This is a horrid dream.

But its not.

I think once I find another place to live, I may be able to move on then.

Just not yet.

Understood. Sincere wishes for the best.

 

[Gracie]

Sick. Stomach flu going around, So far, I hae had it 3 times this month. Everyone here has it. Its a bad one. And I can't stop puking, crying. I miss my husband. I miss my life he was part of. I'm a mess. And I don't care any more. I wish I could be with him. But I can't. Punishment would be ansence from God and therefore absence from those I loved and left me here alone.

Im sorry. Just weak and sick and very sad and very alone.

 

[iamwhatiseem]

Shit Gracie... I didn't see this.
There are no words, so I won't try and say them.
All I can say is he would want you to grieve for him, but not too long to where it is unhealthy for you physically and mentally.
The fact you are a mess now is exactly where you should be, it is right that you grieve. Of course.
But it is also right that, after a time, you must go on and remember the good times and find peace again. Without guilt. If he is half as meaningful as you say he was, he would not want anything else for you.

 

[skye]

Hoping you feel better soon Gracie.

 

[justoffal]

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I will carry on the best I can, dear Dennis. Be with those who loved you that are already there. And breathe deep with fresh new lungs.

I am devastated.

Condolences dear...and my prayers

 

[Gracie]

I think I am going bonkers. In the wee hours, I do some stupid stuff. I decided to put an ad in craigslist, looking for a room to rent. This is how much I hate it here and how haunted I am with the silence of MrG not being here. So, I got 3 responses so far. One from a guy asking me if I would be interested in sharing his room and bed with him, AND pay rent to boot. I laughed at him but did not respond. Second was a lady my age who is taking care of an 86 year old woman who won't last much longer so its a temporary thing because once she dies, the family will sell the home...which means I would have to move AGAIN. Last one so far was a short question asking me how big my boobs are from some pervert.

Nutbars. I guess I should take the ad down but not yet. Now I'm curious on what slime will crawl out from under another rock.

Meanwhile...I had another bout of pity party about 3 hours ago, slept for about 20 minutes and now I am up and dressed at 4:15am. BUT, I got over the norovirus and feel better physically.