USMB Coffee Shop IV

[gallantwarrior]

The best falls I recalls (sorry, couldn't help it) was as a young lump and as far as you could see maple trees and rolling hills.

For a high desert city, Albuquerque has a LOT of trees and an amazing variety of them. So we get all the fall colors here in the city. But in the rural areas it is mostly cottonwood, birch, and aspen with brilliant gold fall leaves--some patches of red maple. Especially in the Fourth of July Canyon area south of us, the red maple is stunning in the fall.

I would like to visit Wisconsin or New England or other areas in the fall for the full array of wonderful fall colors.

I like high desert, especially at dusk and dawn, the big sky's and those trees you speak of, throw in a river or lake and there's
Lumpy, sucking up the good life .

We live in the high desert only it's junipers, far from my favorite trees but the cascades are within a 1/2 hr..

Man, I love junipers. Love the shape, love the smell, everything. Too bad they don't grow up here.

They are very high in allergens though. We have a huge juniper at the front of our house that is grandfathered in, but I've heard there is a city ordinance that new junipers can't be established for that reason.

I didn't know that. Obviously, I'm not allergic. I loved riding along the Continental Divide and enjoying the smells, including juniper. I took a few berries home to make sauerbraten.

 

[gallantwarrior]

Well, interesting developments on the stroked-out partner's front. So, his FMLA expires on 4 October. The boss called me to let me know that they will have to terminate the partner's employment at that time. That means he'll lose his medical insurance. No job-no insurance. BUT! The HR maven came up with an interesting suggestion. The company does offer a "domestic partner" option for medical/dental/vision insurance. Knowing that the pard and I have been partners for over 16 years, would I be interested in invoking that "domestic partner" option in order to keep him covered for medical care? Now the dilemma...do I abandon this lout to his own devices, or do I seize an opportunity to continue helping another human being in need? It's very like taking in an animal. How do you kick out the dog you took in off the street just because he piddles on the floor?

 

[Lumpy 1]

The best falls I recalls (sorry, couldn't help it) was as a young lump and as far as you could see maple trees and rolling hills.

For a high desert city, Albuquerque has a LOT of trees and an amazing variety of them. So we get all the fall colors here in the city. But in the rural areas it is mostly cottonwood, birch, and aspen with brilliant gold fall leaves--some patches of red maple. Especially in the Fourth of July Canyon area south of us, the red maple is stunning in the fall.

I would like to visit Wisconsin or New England or other areas in the fall for the full array of wonderful fall colors.

I like high desert, especially at dusk and dawn, the big sky's and those trees you speak of, throw in a river or lake and there's
Lumpy, sucking up the good life .

We live in the high desert only it's junipers, far from my favorite trees but the cascades are within a 1/2 hr..

Man, I love junipers. Love the shape, love the smell, everything. Too bad they don't grow up here.

The main problem with an abundance of junipers is they smell like cat pee until you adjust, pewee when it rains.

 

[Lumpy 1]

The best falls I recalls (sorry, couldn't help it) was as a young lump and as far as you could see maple trees and rolling hills.

For a high desert city, Albuquerque has a LOT of trees and an amazing variety of them. So we get all the fall colors here in the city. But in the rural areas it is mostly cottonwood, birch, and aspen with brilliant gold fall leaves--some patches of red maple. Especially in the Fourth of July Canyon area south of us, the red maple is stunning in the fall.

I would like to visit Wisconsin or New England or other areas in the fall for the full array of wonderful fall colors.

I like high desert, especially at dusk and dawn, the big sky's and those trees you speak of, throw in a river or lake and there's
Lumpy, sucking up the good life .

We live in the high desert only it's junipers, far from my favorite trees but the cascades are within a 1/2 hr..

You live in Eastern Washington???????

We,moved up to central Oregon from northern California around 5 years ago.

Also, I did notice that my daughter is stationed in your neck of the woods, who knows, maybe you could join us for dinner sometime, old school and I pay..
.

 

[JustAnotherNut]

Well, folks....seems I need more prayers if you would be so kind?
Did a colonguard test....results back. Positive for colon cancer. But, it could be a false positive. So...going to reschedule the colonoscopy tomorrow with GI doc. Once that is done..I will get better results. Once that happens...then..well..I dunno.

Hang in there Gracie. I know it's easier said than done, but you'll be ok. Prayers up

 

[JustAnotherNut]

The best falls I recalls (sorry, couldn't help it) was as a young lump and as far as you could see maple trees and rolling hills.

For a high desert city, Albuquerque has a LOT of trees and an amazing variety of them. So we get all the fall colors here in the city. But in the rural areas it is mostly cottonwood, birch, and aspen with brilliant gold fall leaves--some patches of red maple. Especially in the Fourth of July Canyon area south of us, the red maple is stunning in the fall.

I would like to visit Wisconsin or New England or other areas in the fall for the full array of wonderful fall colors.

I like high desert, especially at dusk and dawn, the big sky's and those trees you speak of, throw in a river or lake and there's
Lumpy, sucking up the good life .

We live in the high desert only it's junipers, far from my favorite trees but the cascades are within a 1/2 hr..

You live in Eastern Washington???????

We,moved up to central Oregon from northern California around 5 years ago.

Also, I did notice that my daughter is stationed in your neck of the woods, who knows, maybe you could join us for dinner sometime, old school and I pay..
.

Fairchild? Or JBLM?

 

[Foxfyre]

Good night darlinks. I really do love you guys.
And we continue to pray and/or send good vibes and/or positive thoughts and/or keep vigil for:

Harper
Pogo’s friend Pat and special comfort for Pogo,
Wellness for Foxfyre's sister and Hombre's sister
Montrovant for continued progress in his transition.
JustAnotherNut for strength and wisdom dealing with challenges.
Seagal and Mr. Seagal.
Peach for healing
Beautress for wellness
Kat for wellness
Mindful and her shoulder for healing
Mrs. Ringel05 for good results and comfort with new meds.
Gallantwarrior for strength, patience, healing, comfort in his challenge with caring for Rod and Rod's healing.
All those we love and care about who aren't on the list.
Gracie for wellness.

And we keep the porch light on so that those who have been away can find their way back

Autumn in Wisconsin

 

[Lumpy 1]

The best falls I recalls (sorry, couldn't help it) was as a young lump and as far as you could see maple trees and rolling hills.

For a high desert city, Albuquerque has a LOT of trees and an amazing variety of them. So we get all the fall colors here in the city. But in the rural areas it is mostly cottonwood, birch, and aspen with brilliant gold fall leaves--some patches of red maple. Especially in the Fourth of July Canyon area south of us, the red maple is stunning in the fall.

I would like to visit Wisconsin or New England or other areas in the fall for the full array of wonderful fall colors.

I like high desert, especially at dusk and dawn, the big sky's and those trees you speak of, throw in a river or lake and there's
Lumpy, sucking up the good life .

We live in the high desert only it's junipers, far from my favorite trees but the cascades are within a 1/2 hr..

You live in Eastern Washington???????

We,moved up to central Oregon from northern California around 5 years ago.

Also, I did notice that my daughter is stationed in your neck of the woods, who knows, maybe you could join us for dinner sometime, old school and I pay..
.

Fairchild? Or JBLM?

JBLM .. a couple months..
.

 

[Gracie]

I'm gonna be honest here...and hope y'all understand my mindset at the moment. I remember when I was told I had breast cancer and how crazy I felt. Scared, freaked out, not sure what to do. It was not a pleasant time. Neither is it this time with the possibility of colon cancer which I pray will be a false alarm. But..I have to face facts. And, I have so much rolling around in my mind. And if I keep it bottled up like I did with the breast cancer...I will be a basket case. So..venting out what is rolling around in my head may help clear what troubles me. Or not. So..bear with me.

IF the colonoscopy verifies I have CC and I am informed of how advanced it is..I'm not sure what I will do. So far today, I have researched suicides and the best method. Why? Because I don't know if I want to do chemo or radiation or wear a bag to shit in. And if I don't want to do those things...I also don't want to suffer while I die of not doing those things. So, I have been studying where the heart is truly located. Shot to the heart outta do it nicely. Shot to the head might make me survive with a missing face. So...heart seems the best way. But I don't know if I have the courage to do it.

I have studied colon cancer stories on google...those with it now, struggling to survive, those who survived and live full lives now. This does not pertain to me. I don't have family. I don't have anyone to "take care of me" or will "need me" to live. I have nobody but MrG, and he will do just fine with me gone. Those who want to live..have a reason to. I don't. But again..I don't know if I have the courage to pull the trigger. And I wouldn't test myself anyway, until I know more, so rest assured I am not going to off myself anytime soon freaking out about this. Right now..I am putting my ducks in a row..just like I did with the BC.

I tell myself I would fight it more IF we were settled in our own federal housing we are waiting for. But right now? We could be homeless at the beginning of the new year. Who knows? This cannot go on forever, and I refuse to let Anne continue to help support us. It's not fair to her and it bugs the fuck out of me accepting it.

I told MrG he MUST make plans in case of the worst scenario. Go to his brother, even though he blatantly refuses to do so. I insisted and he finally said he would think about it and I said don't think..PLAN. Make plans. Give Anne my stuff...he keeps whats of mine that he feels he can't let go. And then leave for Arizona and live with his brother. BUT..if we get called to an apartment we are waiting for....and I am still here....then he can stay there and not need to go anywhere at all if he doesn't wish to. But...thats IF anyone calls. We are on 3 lists...and keep getting pushed back due to the fire, due to refugees with kids being put first, due to whatever they decide is more important than giving us what we are waiting for.

So you can see..it's a pretty bleak future for us and I have no reason to fight at all. Which brings me back to plan A, plan B, plan C, etc etc etc.
I'm tired. Lost my house at the beach. Lost our place in Paradise. Lost my left breast. Now I'm going to lose my colon maybe. I'm beaten, and all I have is thoughts and plans that may come to naught.

Not sure this made me feel any better. But it helps ease a bit of burden on my mind.

 

[Kat]

I'm gonna be honest here...and hope y'all understand my mindset at the moment. I remember when I was told I had breast cancer and how crazy I felt. Scared, freaked out, not sure what to do. It was not a pleasant time. Neither is it this time with the possibility of colon cancer which I pray will be a false alarm. But..I have to face facts. And, I have so much rolling around in my mind. And if I keep it bottled up like I did with the breast cancer...I will be a basket case. So..venting out what is rolling around in my head may help clear what troubles me. Or not. So..bear with me.

IF the colonoscopy verifies I have CC and I am informed of how advanced it is..I'm not sure what I will do. So far today, I have researched suicides and the best method. Why? Because I don't know if I want to do chemo or radiation or wear a bag to shit in. And if I don't want to do those things...I also don't want to suffer while I die of not doing those things. So, I have been studying where the heart is truly located. Shot to the heart outta do it nicely. Shot to the head might make me survive with a missing face. So...heart seems the best way. But I don't know if I have the courage to do it.

I have studied colon cancer stories on google...those with it now, struggling to survive, those who survived and live full lives now. This does not pertain to me. I don't have family. I don't have anyone to "take care of me" or will "need me" to live. I have nobody but MrG, and he will do just fine with me gone. Those who want to live..have a reason to. I don't. But again..I don't know if I have the courage to pull the trigger. And I wouldn't test myself anyway, until I know more, so rest assured I am not going to off myself anytime soon freaking out about this. Right now..I am putting my ducks in a row..just like I did with the BC.

I tell myself I would fight it more IF we were settled in our own federal housing we are waiting for. But right now? We could be homeless at the beginning of the new year. Who knows? This cannot go on forever, and I refuse to let Anne continue to help support us. It's not fair to her and it bugs the fuck out of me accepting it.

I told MrG he MUST make plans in case of the worst scenario. Go to his brother, even though he blatantly refuses to do so. I insisted and he finally said he would think about it and I said don't think..PLAN. Make plans. Give Anne my stuff...he keeps whats of mine that he feels he can't let go. And then leave for Arizona and live with his brother. BUT..if we get called to an apartment we are waiting for....and I am still here....then he can stay there and not need to go anywhere at all if he doesn't wish to. But...thats IF anyone calls. We are on 3 lists...and keep getting pushed back due to the fire, due to refugees with kids being put first, due to whatever they decide is more important than giving us what we are waiting for.

So you can see..it's a pretty bleak future for us and I have no reason to fight at all. Which brings me back to plan A, plan B, plan C, etc etc etc.
I'm tired. Lost my house at the beach. Lost our place in Paradise. Lost my left breast. Now I'm going to lose my colon maybe. I'm beaten, and all I have is thoughts and plans that may come to naught.

Not sure this made me feel any better. But it helps ease a bit of burden on my mind.

Just seeing this news.

 

[JustAnotherNut]

I'm gonna be honest here...and hope y'all understand my mindset at the moment. I remember when I was told I had breast cancer and how crazy I felt. Scared, freaked out, not sure what to do. It was not a pleasant time. Neither is it this time with the possibility of colon cancer which I pray will be a false alarm. But..I have to face facts. And, I have so much rolling around in my mind. And if I keep it bottled up like I did with the breast cancer...I will be a basket case. So..venting out what is rolling around in my head may help clear what troubles me. Or not. So..bear with me.

IF the colonoscopy verifies I have CC and I am informed of how advanced it is..I'm not sure what I will do. So far today, I have researched suicides and the best method. Why? Because I don't know if I want to do chemo or radiation or wear a bag to shit in. And if I don't want to do those things...I also don't want to suffer while I die of not doing those things. So, I have been studying where the heart is truly located. Shot to the heart outta do it nicely. Shot to the head might make me survive with a missing face. So...heart seems the best way. But I don't know if I have the courage to do it.

I have studied colon cancer stories on google...those with it now, struggling to survive, those who survived and live full lives now. This does not pertain to me. I don't have family. I don't have anyone to "take care of me" or will "need me" to live. I have nobody but MrG, and he will do just fine with me gone. Those who want to live..have a reason to. I don't. But again..I don't know if I have the courage to pull the trigger. And I wouldn't test myself anyway, until I know more, so rest assured I am not going to off myself anytime soon freaking out about this. Right now..I am putting my ducks in a row..just like I did with the BC.

I tell myself I would fight it more IF we were settled in our own federal housing we are waiting for. But right now? We could be homeless at the beginning of the new year. Who knows? This cannot go on forever, and I refuse to let Anne continue to help support us. It's not fair to her and it bugs the fuck out of me accepting it.

I told MrG he MUST make plans in case of the worst scenario. Go to his brother, even though he blatantly refuses to do so. I insisted and he finally said he would think about it and I said don't think..PLAN. Make plans. Give Anne my stuff...he keeps whats of mine that he feels he can't let go. And then leave for Arizona and live with his brother. BUT..if we get called to an apartment we are waiting for....and I am still here....then he can stay there and not need to go anywhere at all if he doesn't wish to. But...thats IF anyone calls. We are on 3 lists...and keep getting pushed back due to the fire, due to refugees with kids being put first, due to whatever they decide is more important than giving us what we are waiting for.

So you can see..it's a pretty bleak future for us and I have no reason to fight at all. Which brings me back to plan A, plan B, plan C, etc etc etc.
I'm tired. Lost my house at the beach. Lost our place in Paradise. Lost my left breast. Now I'm going to lose my colon maybe. I'm beaten, and all I have is thoughts and plans that may come to naught.

Not sure this made me feel any better. But it helps ease a bit of burden on my mind.

Gracie.....I know how you feel & what's going on in your head and thinking there's nothing left to fight for and being too damn tired to fight anyway. In so many ways, we are very much alike and in just about the same predicament
I had to cancel my colonoscopy because I didn't have a ride, so I can only wonder at what's going on. My cologuard may or may not have been a positive or false positive.....but I do know things aren't working as they should, and any search for possible causes of my symptoms is 6 of one & half dozen of another. So who knows what's going on. Then I ask myself just what would I do if it were positive and I did have cancer again.....I won't go thru that shit again either so it wouldn't change anything other than what time I had left on this earth.
Now that hubs is gone & all my kids are no longer dependent on me.....I look around at my garden, chickens & activities that have kept me busy and think there really is no point in continuing with them, if it's just for me and my reasons for doing them are no longer in place......like taking care of my family. With my back issues that continue to get worse and now my hands are slowly losing the ability to grip & small motor function from more pinched nerves.....I am losing my ability to do those activities. Let's just say that getting old sucks as our minds think we're 20 and can kick ass...….but our bodies are much older than our birth certificate and is kicking our ass.
I just figure I'm going to keep doing what I can, while I can and make the best of what I have left. If I am stuck in a wheelchair and/or have someone else wipe my butt....well, I don't know. I'll cross that bridge when it comes, but I'll probably go into a nursing home staring out the window and relive my memories in my mind......if that hasn't broke down too.




Aaaaaaand btw...…..that gunshot to the heart doesn't always go as planned either. There are others that have tried the same that wasn't fatal as they had hoped, but living with the repercussions from the attempt are much worse than the problems they were facing & trying to avoid. Don't do it hun.

 

[Gracie]

I was regretting writing what I did...but after reading what you said JustAnotherNut , I'm glad I did write it. Thank you. THANK YOU for putting it into perspective and letting me know I am NOT alone in these thoughts I had/have. Everything you said..I relate to. Especially abolut the "not able to wipe my own butt". LOL. Sorry..its not funny, but did that slam home with me? Yes.

THANK you. And thank everyone else too. Things are not so bleak today. In the daytime..things always seem better, yes?
Off to GI doc in 45 minutes. Have to make another appt for the oscopy, which will probably be another month or two. Things are slow here. He COULD do it in his office, but I don't handle twilight very well, so hospital it has to be so I can have an anesthesiologist to knock me completely out.

I'll keep y'all informed.

 

[Foxfyre]

I'm gonna be honest here...and hope y'all understand my mindset at the moment. I remember when I was told I had breast cancer and how crazy I felt. Scared, freaked out, not sure what to do. It was not a pleasant time. Neither is it this time with the possibility of colon cancer which I pray will be a false alarm. But..I have to face facts. And, I have so much rolling around in my mind. And if I keep it bottled up like I did with the breast cancer...I will be a basket case. So..venting out what is rolling around in my head may help clear what troubles me. Or not. So..bear with me.

IF the colonoscopy verifies I have CC and I am informed of how advanced it is..I'm not sure what I will do. So far today, I have researched suicides and the best method. Why? Because I don't know if I want to do chemo or radiation or wear a bag to shit in. And if I don't want to do those things...I also don't want to suffer while I die of not doing those things. So, I have been studying where the heart is truly located. Shot to the heart outta do it nicely. Shot to the head might make me survive with a missing face. So...heart seems the best way. But I don't know if I have the courage to do it.

I have studied colon cancer stories on google...those with it now, struggling to survive, those who survived and live full lives now. This does not pertain to me. I don't have family. I don't have anyone to "take care of me" or will "need me" to live. I have nobody but MrG, and he will do just fine with me gone. Those who want to live..have a reason to. I don't. But again..I don't know if I have the courage to pull the trigger. And I wouldn't test myself anyway, until I know more, so rest assured I am not going to off myself anytime soon freaking out about this. Right now..I am putting my ducks in a row..just like I did with the BC.

I tell myself I would fight it more IF we were settled in our own federal housing we are waiting for. But right now? We could be homeless at the beginning of the new year. Who knows? This cannot go on forever, and I refuse to let Anne continue to help support us. It's not fair to her and it bugs the fuck out of me accepting it.

I told MrG he MUST make plans in case of the worst scenario. Go to his brother, even though he blatantly refuses to do so. I insisted and he finally said he would think about it and I said don't think..PLAN. Make plans. Give Anne my stuff...he keeps whats of mine that he feels he can't let go. And then leave for Arizona and live with his brother. BUT..if we get called to an apartment we are waiting for....and I am still here....then he can stay there and not need to go anywhere at all if he doesn't wish to. But...thats IF anyone calls. We are on 3 lists...and keep getting pushed back due to the fire, due to refugees with kids being put first, due to whatever they decide is more important than giving us what we are waiting for.

So you can see..it's a pretty bleak future for us and I have no reason to fight at all. Which brings me back to plan A, plan B, plan C, etc etc etc.
I'm tired. Lost my house at the beach. Lost our place in Paradise. Lost my left breast. Now I'm going to lose my colon maybe. I'm beaten, and all I have is thoughts and plans that may come to naught.

Not sure this made me feel any better. But it helps ease a bit of burden on my mind.

This could also be of interest to JustAnotherNut

This falls under the category of not worrying until there is something to worry about. You may be just fine. If not there are some very real alternatives that do not involve the worst that you imagine. If you forego chemo, surgery, or a bit of radiation can't zap it, do at least look at those alternatives. I understand the colon scare is not the only issue here, but let's stay positive as possible about the other too.

Meanwhile I wish there was more to do than just care and send up those prayers/positive vibes. But you have those in triplicate.

 

[JustAnotherNut]

I was regretting writing what I did...but after reading what you said JustAnotherNut , I'm glad I did write it. Thank you. THANK YOU for putting it into perspective and letting me know I am NOT alone in these thoughts I had/have. Everything you said..I relate to. Especially abolut the "not able to wipe my own butt". LOL. Sorry..its not funny, but did that slam home with me? Yes.

THANK you. And thank everyone else too. Things are not so bleak today. In the daytime..things always seem better, yes?
Off to GI doc in 45 minutes. Have to make another appt for the oscopy, which will probably be another month or two. Things are slow here. He COULD do it in his office, but I don't handle twilight very well, so hospital it has to be so I can have an anesthesiologist to knock me completely out.

I'll keep y'all informed.

No need to be sorry......it is funny in a not so funny way. Hey, ya gotta find the humor where you can, right?

No honey, you are not alone in what you're going thru. None of us are, no matter what we have to face. There is always someone else going thru the same internal struggles...….but as long as we keep that to ourselves, we never know that. \

My dad always repeated the saying.....'I thought I was poor because I had no shoes, until I met a man that had no feet' ……..there is always someone worse off than ourselves, always.

Depression is a very real and very difficult thing to deal with on your own. As Foxfyre says, there are alternative approaches to both physical & mental health issues.....and I tend to gravitate to nutrition & lifestyle......and start out really good, then as I feel better I slack off. I really need to make it a permanent change instead of dabbling. I just have a hard time with eating 3 squares a day & mostly only eat supper. Activity & exercise can be a challenge because of physical ability and weather. Winter is just around the corner, so I have to get creative.

“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food”


Another thing Foxy mentioned about not worrying until you have something to worry about.......but I also understand how things look so much brighter during the day and how overwhelming the darkness of night can become. (pssst...we need better flashlights )

 

[JustAnotherNut]

I'm gonna be honest here...and hope y'all understand my mindset at the moment. I remember when I was told I had breast cancer and how crazy I felt. Scared, freaked out, not sure what to do. It was not a pleasant time. Neither is it this time with the possibility of colon cancer which I pray will be a false alarm. But..I have to face facts. And, I have so much rolling around in my mind. And if I keep it bottled up like I did with the breast cancer...I will be a basket case. So..venting out what is rolling around in my head may help clear what troubles me. Or not. So..bear with me.

IF the colonoscopy verifies I have CC and I am informed of how advanced it is..I'm not sure what I will do. So far today, I have researched suicides and the best method. Why? Because I don't know if I want to do chemo or radiation or wear a bag to shit in. And if I don't want to do those things...I also don't want to suffer while I die of not doing those things. So, I have been studying where the heart is truly located. Shot to the heart outta do it nicely. Shot to the head might make me survive with a missing face. So...heart seems the best way. But I don't know if I have the courage to do it.

I have studied colon cancer stories on google...those with it now, struggling to survive, those who survived and live full lives now. This does not pertain to me. I don't have family. I don't have anyone to "take care of me" or will "need me" to live. I have nobody but MrG, and he will do just fine with me gone. Those who want to live..have a reason to. I don't. But again..I don't know if I have the courage to pull the trigger. And I wouldn't test myself anyway, until I know more, so rest assured I am not going to off myself anytime soon freaking out about this. Right now..I am putting my ducks in a row..just like I did with the BC.

I tell myself I would fight it more IF we were settled in our own federal housing we are waiting for. But right now? We could be homeless at the beginning of the new year. Who knows? This cannot go on forever, and I refuse to let Anne continue to help support us. It's not fair to her and it bugs the fuck out of me accepting it.

I told MrG he MUST make plans in case of the worst scenario. Go to his brother, even though he blatantly refuses to do so. I insisted and he finally said he would think about it and I said don't think..PLAN. Make plans. Give Anne my stuff...he keeps whats of mine that he feels he can't let go. And then leave for Arizona and live with his brother. BUT..if we get called to an apartment we are waiting for....and I am still here....then he can stay there and not need to go anywhere at all if he doesn't wish to. But...thats IF anyone calls. We are on 3 lists...and keep getting pushed back due to the fire, due to refugees with kids being put first, due to whatever they decide is more important than giving us what we are waiting for.

So you can see..it's a pretty bleak future for us and I have no reason to fight at all. Which brings me back to plan A, plan B, plan C, etc etc etc.
I'm tired. Lost my house at the beach. Lost our place in Paradise. Lost my left breast. Now I'm going to lose my colon maybe. I'm beaten, and all I have is thoughts and plans that may come to naught.

Not sure this made me feel any better. But it helps ease a bit of burden on my mind.

This could also be of interest to JustAnotherNut

This falls under the category of not worrying until there is something to worry about. You may be just fine. If not there are some very real alternatives that do not involve the worst that you imagine. If you forego chemo, surgery, or a bit of radiation can't zap it, do at least look at those alternatives. I understand the colon scare is not the only issue here, but let's stay positive as possible about the other too.

Meanwhile I wish there was more to do than just care and send up those prayers/positive vibes. But you have those in triplicate.

You, my dear, are so very right and thank you for that.


Prayers are more powerful, than science....any day

 

[Foxfyre]

I'm gonna be honest here...and hope y'all understand my mindset at the moment. I remember when I was told I had breast cancer and how crazy I felt. Scared, freaked out, not sure what to do. It was not a pleasant time. Neither is it this time with the possibility of colon cancer which I pray will be a false alarm. But..I have to face facts. And, I have so much rolling around in my mind. And if I keep it bottled up like I did with the breast cancer...I will be a basket case. So..venting out what is rolling around in my head may help clear what troubles me. Or not. So..bear with me.

IF the colonoscopy verifies I have CC and I am informed of how advanced it is..I'm not sure what I will do. So far today, I have researched suicides and the best method. Why? Because I don't know if I want to do chemo or radiation or wear a bag to shit in. And if I don't want to do those things...I also don't want to suffer while I die of not doing those things. So, I have been studying where the heart is truly located. Shot to the heart outta do it nicely. Shot to the head might make me survive with a missing face. So...heart seems the best way. But I don't know if I have the courage to do it.

I have studied colon cancer stories on google...those with it now, struggling to survive, those who survived and live full lives now. This does not pertain to me. I don't have family. I don't have anyone to "take care of me" or will "need me" to live. I have nobody but MrG, and he will do just fine with me gone. Those who want to live..have a reason to. I don't. But again..I don't know if I have the courage to pull the trigger. And I wouldn't test myself anyway, until I know more, so rest assured I am not going to off myself anytime soon freaking out about this. Right now..I am putting my ducks in a row..just like I did with the BC.

I tell myself I would fight it more IF we were settled in our own federal housing we are waiting for. But right now? We could be homeless at the beginning of the new year. Who knows? This cannot go on forever, and I refuse to let Anne continue to help support us. It's not fair to her and it bugs the fuck out of me accepting it.

I told MrG he MUST make plans in case of the worst scenario. Go to his brother, even though he blatantly refuses to do so. I insisted and he finally said he would think about it and I said don't think..PLAN. Make plans. Give Anne my stuff...he keeps whats of mine that he feels he can't let go. And then leave for Arizona and live with his brother. BUT..if we get called to an apartment we are waiting for....and I am still here....then he can stay there and not need to go anywhere at all if he doesn't wish to. But...thats IF anyone calls. We are on 3 lists...and keep getting pushed back due to the fire, due to refugees with kids being put first, due to whatever they decide is more important than giving us what we are waiting for.

So you can see..it's a pretty bleak future for us and I have no reason to fight at all. Which brings me back to plan A, plan B, plan C, etc etc etc.
I'm tired. Lost my house at the beach. Lost our place in Paradise. Lost my left breast. Now I'm going to lose my colon maybe. I'm beaten, and all I have is thoughts and plans that may come to naught.

Not sure this made me feel any better. But it helps ease a bit of burden on my mind.

This could also be of interest to JustAnotherNut

This falls under the category of not worrying until there is something to worry about. You may be just fine. If not there are some very real alternatives that do not involve the worst that you imagine. If you forego chemo, surgery, or a bit of radiation can't zap it, do at least look at those alternatives. I understand the colon scare is not the only issue here, but let's stay positive as possible about the other too.

Meanwhile I wish there was more to do than just care and send up those prayers/positive vibes. But you have those in triplicate.

You, my dear, are so very right and thank you for that.


Prayers are more powerful, than science....any day

I'll add you to the vigil list unless you don't want that JAN.

 

[Montrovant]

Well, folks....seems I need more prayers if you would be so kind?
Did a colonguard test....results back. Positive for colon cancer. But, it could be a false positive. So...going to reschedule the colonoscopy tomorrow with GI doc. Once that is done..I will get better results. Once that happens...then..well..I dunno.

Definitely try not to stress before the colonoscopy. From what I've seen false positives are pretty common with Cologuard. Hopefully that is the case here.

 

[Montrovant]

I'm gonna be honest here...and hope y'all understand my mindset at the moment. I remember when I was told I had breast cancer and how crazy I felt. Scared, freaked out, not sure what to do. It was not a pleasant time. Neither is it this time with the possibility of colon cancer which I pray will be a false alarm. But..I have to face facts. And, I have so much rolling around in my mind. And if I keep it bottled up like I did with the breast cancer...I will be a basket case. So..venting out what is rolling around in my head may help clear what troubles me. Or not. So..bear with me.

IF the colonoscopy verifies I have CC and I am informed of how advanced it is..I'm not sure what I will do. So far today, I have researched suicides and the best method. Why? Because I don't know if I want to do chemo or radiation or wear a bag to shit in. And if I don't want to do those things...I also don't want to suffer while I die of not doing those things. So, I have been studying where the heart is truly located. Shot to the heart outta do it nicely. Shot to the head might make me survive with a missing face. So...heart seems the best way. But I don't know if I have the courage to do it.

I have studied colon cancer stories on google...those with it now, struggling to survive, those who survived and live full lives now. This does not pertain to me. I don't have family. I don't have anyone to "take care of me" or will "need me" to live. I have nobody but MrG, and he will do just fine with me gone. Those who want to live..have a reason to. I don't. But again..I don't know if I have the courage to pull the trigger. And I wouldn't test myself anyway, until I know more, so rest assured I am not going to off myself anytime soon freaking out about this. Right now..I am putting my ducks in a row..just like I did with the BC.

I tell myself I would fight it more IF we were settled in our own federal housing we are waiting for. But right now? We could be homeless at the beginning of the new year. Who knows? This cannot go on forever, and I refuse to let Anne continue to help support us. It's not fair to her and it bugs the fuck out of me accepting it.

I told MrG he MUST make plans in case of the worst scenario. Go to his brother, even though he blatantly refuses to do so. I insisted and he finally said he would think about it and I said don't think..PLAN. Make plans. Give Anne my stuff...he keeps whats of mine that he feels he can't let go. And then leave for Arizona and live with his brother. BUT..if we get called to an apartment we are waiting for....and I am still here....then he can stay there and not need to go anywhere at all if he doesn't wish to. But...thats IF anyone calls. We are on 3 lists...and keep getting pushed back due to the fire, due to refugees with kids being put first, due to whatever they decide is more important than giving us what we are waiting for.

So you can see..it's a pretty bleak future for us and I have no reason to fight at all. Which brings me back to plan A, plan B, plan C, etc etc etc.
I'm tired. Lost my house at the beach. Lost our place in Paradise. Lost my left breast. Now I'm going to lose my colon maybe. I'm beaten, and all I have is thoughts and plans that may come to naught.

Not sure this made me feel any better. But it helps ease a bit of burden on my mind.

I've considered suicide before with far less cause. Don't feel bad about venting here when you're scared about the future. I'm sure I speak for all of the CS regulars when I say we'd rather have you using this place to get some of the fear, anger, and frustration out than just holding it inside to fester.

I wouldn't feel right telling you or anyone else what choice you have to make with your own life. On the other hand, I'd advise at least avoiding any hasty decisions. Obviously I hope for a false positive and for you and MrG to finally get a call for your housing, but whatever happens, I think you should weigh all your options carefully.

 

[Montrovant]

Here's something a little lighter in tone:

 

[Foxfyre]

Here's something a little lighter in tone:

Well yes it is. And entertaining to watch. But I have to say somebody or a lot of somebodies had way too much time on their hands to design and build that.