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I'm going to come out of what might seem like left field here, but here goes...I'm gonna be honest here...and hope y'all understand my mindset at the moment. I remember when I was told I had breast cancer and how crazy I felt. Scared, freaked out, not sure what to do. It was not a pleasant time. Neither is it this time with the possibility of colon cancer which I pray will be a false alarm. But..I have to face facts. And, I have so much rolling around in my mind. And if I keep it bottled up like I did with the breast cancer...I will be a basket case. So..venting out what is rolling around in my head may help clear what troubles me. Or not. So..bear with me.
IF the colonoscopy verifies I have CC and I am informed of how advanced it is..I'm not sure what I will do. So far today, I have researched suicides and the best method. Why? Because I don't know if I want to do chemo or radiation or wear a bag to shit in. And if I don't want to do those things...I also don't want to suffer while I die of not doing those things. So, I have been studying where the heart is truly located. Shot to the heart outta do it nicely. Shot to the head might make me survive with a missing face. So...heart seems the best way. But I don't know if I have the courage to do it.
I have studied colon cancer stories on google...those with it now, struggling to survive, those who survived and live full lives now. This does not pertain to me. I don't have family. I don't have anyone to "take care of me" or will "need me" to live. I have nobody but MrG, and he will do just fine with me gone. Those who want to live..have a reason to. I don't. But again..I don't know if I have the courage to pull the trigger. And I wouldn't test myself anyway, until I know more, so rest assured I am not going to off myself anytime soon freaking out about this. Right now..I am putting my ducks in a row..just like I did with the BC.
I tell myself I would fight it more IF we were settled in our own federal housing we are waiting for. But right now? We could be homeless at the beginning of the new year. Who knows? This cannot go on forever, and I refuse to let Anne continue to help support us. It's not fair to her and it bugs the fuck out of me accepting it.
I told MrG he MUST make plans in case of the worst scenario. Go to his brother, even though he blatantly refuses to do so. I insisted and he finally said he would think about it and I said don't think..PLAN. Make plans. Give Anne my stuff...he keeps whats of mine that he feels he can't let go. And then leave for Arizona and live with his brother. BUT..if we get called to an apartment we are waiting for....and I am still here....then he can stay there and not need to go anywhere at all if he doesn't wish to. But...thats IF anyone calls. We are on 3 lists...and keep getting pushed back due to the fire, due to refugees with kids being put first, due to whatever they decide is more important than giving us what we are waiting for.
So you can see..it's a pretty bleak future for us and I have no reason to fight at all. Which brings me back to plan A, plan B, plan C, etc etc etc.
I'm tired. Lost my house at the beach. Lost our place in Paradise. Lost my left breast. Now I'm going to lose my colon maybe. I'm beaten, and all I have is thoughts and plans that may come to naught.
Not sure this made me feel any better. But it helps ease a bit of burden on my mind.
I'm going to come out of what might seem like left field here, but here goes...I'm gonna be honest here...and hope y'all understand my mindset at the moment. I remember when I was told I had breast cancer and how crazy I felt. Scared, freaked out, not sure what to do. It was not a pleasant time. Neither is it this time with the possibility of colon cancer which I pray will be a false alarm. But..I have to face facts. And, I have so much rolling around in my mind. And if I keep it bottled up like I did with the breast cancer...I will be a basket case. So..venting out what is rolling around in my head may help clear what troubles me. Or not. So..bear with me.
IF the colonoscopy verifies I have CC and I am informed of how advanced it is..I'm not sure what I will do. So far today, I have researched suicides and the best method. Why? Because I don't know if I want to do chemo or radiation or wear a bag to shit in. And if I don't want to do those things...I also don't want to suffer while I die of not doing those things. So, I have been studying where the heart is truly located. Shot to the heart outta do it nicely. Shot to the head might make me survive with a missing face. So...heart seems the best way. But I don't know if I have the courage to do it.
I have studied colon cancer stories on google...those with it now, struggling to survive, those who survived and live full lives now. This does not pertain to me. I don't have family. I don't have anyone to "take care of me" or will "need me" to live. I have nobody but MrG, and he will do just fine with me gone. Those who want to live..have a reason to. I don't. But again..I don't know if I have the courage to pull the trigger. And I wouldn't test myself anyway, until I know more, so rest assured I am not going to off myself anytime soon freaking out about this. Right now..I am putting my ducks in a row..just like I did with the BC.
I tell myself I would fight it more IF we were settled in our own federal housing we are waiting for. But right now? We could be homeless at the beginning of the new year. Who knows? This cannot go on forever, and I refuse to let Anne continue to help support us. It's not fair to her and it bugs the fuck out of me accepting it.
I told MrG he MUST make plans in case of the worst scenario. Go to his brother, even though he blatantly refuses to do so. I insisted and he finally said he would think about it and I said don't think..PLAN. Make plans. Give Anne my stuff...he keeps whats of mine that he feels he can't let go. And then leave for Arizona and live with his brother. BUT..if we get called to an apartment we are waiting for....and I am still here....then he can stay there and not need to go anywhere at all if he doesn't wish to. But...thats IF anyone calls. We are on 3 lists...and keep getting pushed back due to the fire, due to refugees with kids being put first, due to whatever they decide is more important than giving us what we are waiting for.
So you can see..it's a pretty bleak future for us and I have no reason to fight at all. Which brings me back to plan A, plan B, plan C, etc etc etc.
I'm tired. Lost my house at the beach. Lost our place in Paradise. Lost my left breast. Now I'm going to lose my colon maybe. I'm beaten, and all I have is thoughts and plans that may come to naught.
Not sure this made me feel any better. But it helps ease a bit of burden on my mind.
Maybe -just maybe- your health problems have something to do with emotional episodes that haven't been resolved.
Making a very long story short, a lot of rather recent medical research is showing that emotional states cause our bodies to excrete chemical compounds that, while beneficial to helping the paleocortex (the lizard brain) make the fight/flight/freeze response, are toxic to our bodies in the long term....Anecdotally, I have a family member who has maintained his attitude in a very negative place for the last number of years (very quick to anger, is always the victim things don't go his way, etcetera) and his outward physical traits of aging have been profound.
Emotions and Physiology | alive
In further research and discussions with colleagues, I came across this very successful direction of therapy, which has only recently been uncovered: Holographic Memory Resolution....Took a training with Mr. Baum last spring, and my head was buzzing for at least a week...Probably taking out a lot of trash.
Or, as someone else I researched (can't remember who) said: you will run out of body parts before your subconscious mind runs out of ways to get your attention.
Give this guy a listen and look....He just may have the cure for what has been ailing you...
And Gracie and one or two others of us have been through more stuff than any human should have to endure.
I'm going to come out of what might seem like left field here, but here goes...I'm gonna be honest here...and hope y'all understand my mindset at the moment. I remember when I was told I had breast cancer and how crazy I felt. Scared, freaked out, not sure what to do. It was not a pleasant time. Neither is it this time with the possibility of colon cancer which I pray will be a false alarm. But..I have to face facts. And, I have so much rolling around in my mind. And if I keep it bottled up like I did with the breast cancer...I will be a basket case. So..venting out what is rolling around in my head may help clear what troubles me. Or not. So..bear with me.
IF the colonoscopy verifies I have CC and I am informed of how advanced it is..I'm not sure what I will do. So far today, I have researched suicides and the best method. Why? Because I don't know if I want to do chemo or radiation or wear a bag to shit in. And if I don't want to do those things...I also don't want to suffer while I die of not doing those things. So, I have been studying where the heart is truly located. Shot to the heart outta do it nicely. Shot to the head might make me survive with a missing face. So...heart seems the best way. But I don't know if I have the courage to do it.
I have studied colon cancer stories on google...those with it now, struggling to survive, those who survived and live full lives now. This does not pertain to me. I don't have family. I don't have anyone to "take care of me" or will "need me" to live. I have nobody but MrG, and he will do just fine with me gone. Those who want to live..have a reason to. I don't. But again..I don't know if I have the courage to pull the trigger. And I wouldn't test myself anyway, until I know more, so rest assured I am not going to off myself anytime soon freaking out about this. Right now..I am putting my ducks in a row..just like I did with the BC.
I tell myself I would fight it more IF we were settled in our own federal housing we are waiting for. But right now? We could be homeless at the beginning of the new year. Who knows? This cannot go on forever, and I refuse to let Anne continue to help support us. It's not fair to her and it bugs the fuck out of me accepting it.
I told MrG he MUST make plans in case of the worst scenario. Go to his brother, even though he blatantly refuses to do so. I insisted and he finally said he would think about it and I said don't think..PLAN. Make plans. Give Anne my stuff...he keeps whats of mine that he feels he can't let go. And then leave for Arizona and live with his brother. BUT..if we get called to an apartment we are waiting for....and I am still here....then he can stay there and not need to go anywhere at all if he doesn't wish to. But...thats IF anyone calls. We are on 3 lists...and keep getting pushed back due to the fire, due to refugees with kids being put first, due to whatever they decide is more important than giving us what we are waiting for.
So you can see..it's a pretty bleak future for us and I have no reason to fight at all. Which brings me back to plan A, plan B, plan C, etc etc etc.
I'm tired. Lost my house at the beach. Lost our place in Paradise. Lost my left breast. Now I'm going to lose my colon maybe. I'm beaten, and all I have is thoughts and plans that may come to naught.
Not sure this made me feel any better. But it helps ease a bit of burden on my mind.
Maybe -just maybe- your health problems have something to do with emotional episodes that haven't been resolved.
Making a very long story short, a lot of rather recent medical research is showing that emotional states cause our bodies to excrete chemical compounds that, while beneficial to helping the paleocortex (the lizard brain) make the fight/flight/freeze response, are toxic to our bodies in the long term....Anecdotally, I have a family member who has maintained his attitude in a very negative place for the last number of years (very quick to anger, is always the victim things don't go his way, etcetera) and his outward physical traits of aging have been profound.
Emotions and Physiology | alive
In further research and discussions with colleagues, I came across this very successful direction of therapy, which has only recently been uncovered: Holographic Memory Resolution....Took a training with Mr. Baum last spring, and my head was buzzing for at least a week...Probably taking out a lot of trash.
Or, as someone else I researched (can't remember who) said: you will run out of body parts before your subconscious mind runs out of ways to get your attention.
Give this guy a listen and look....He just may have the cure for what has been ailing you...
Interesting stuff. I do believe the body has enormous capacity to heal itself, and I do believe our mental outlook on life has a lot to do with our health. Evenso, a lot of us deal with stuff no matter how positive our mental state--look at Beautress for instance.
Good morning everybody. And hey drifter Good to see you. Been awhile. Montrovant, hope the new position might be better hours for you along with more money? Keeping fingers crossed.
Busy day for us today. Luncheon with some old classmates later this morning, then grocery shopping, finishing up laundry, and doing some make ahead dishes for other out of town guests at our house tomorrow. But it's all good. The weather has been glorious--mid to high 70's, little or no wind, and definitely fall in the air in the mornings.
Hope everybody has a good Saturday.
Well, I thought I knew what the charge on my debit card was, but I was wrong. It turns out the charge I was thinking of was actually one I got on my credit card. I've had my debit deactivated and a new one is being sent. I'll have to remember to change my details on my automatic bills. Luckily I don't have many of those.
Well, I thought I knew what the charge on my debit card was, but I was wrong. It turns out the charge I was thinking of was actually one I got on my credit card. I've had my debit deactivated and a new one is being sent. I'll have to remember to change my details on my automatic bills. Luckily I don't have many of those.
For whatever its worth and this is just our personal policy only, but it works for us. . .
We asked our bank to issue us a debit card that we use ONLY as a debit card and never as a credit card. We have a separate credit card from the same bank. Since we get a nice cash back bonus for all our credit card charges, we charge pretty much everything and then pay the bill in full at the end of the month to be sure no interest accrues. So we rarely use the debit card and when we do use it, it is never for on line purchases or for anything that we don't control the card ourselves, i.e. we wouldn't hand it to the cashier at the McDonald's drive through. As a result we haven't had any incidents in several years now.
I liked it. Costume dramas are of particular interest to me, although I prefer historical fiction to most other stuff. BBC puts out superior entertainment compared to most US outlets, though.Well..the visit to the GI doc was a joke. Seems he can't do the colonoscopy until December. And, there is a shortage of anesthesiologists, which is why December. Sigh. So, he said my regular doc should consider sending me to another GI doc that can perform it in another city..like Roseville or Sacramento. But, I'd have to start all over again because most GI docs don't want to rely on the previous docs findings. Or..I can wait til December.
Not sure what I'm going to do yet. He said he doesn't put much faith in colonguard tests...too many false positives. And there is no blood in my stool, nor stomach pain, no vomiting, etc. However...the distended belly, the wishy washy bowel movements are suspect. Which could mean exactly what my previous GI doc said.....microscoptic colitis, IBS, diverticulitus, possible gluten intolerance, weight gain fatty cells collected in my abdominal area, and..drum roll..old age which does a number on folks plumbing.
So..I will confer with my doc and see what he thinks I should do. I am not in pain in the plumbing department. So...why not wait? At least, thats what I tell myself NOW.
And no..I am NOT going to do what I did before. STRESS OUT. One day at a time, painting rocks when able to move my fingers, watching netflix, amazon prime, tv.
Speaking of amazon prime....I am bingeing Downton Abbey. On last season (6), episode 3. So far..I still hate Mary, love Gma ma (Maggie smith), think Edith is too damn wimpy, sick of the drama of The Bates, loathe Barrow and in general wonder why this show was made to begin with except maybe to show just how snobby Brits are.
Hey, BIker! How's the former USSR? You still working in Moscow? Was that your last reported location?
The real world sucks sometimes, doesn't it? Congrats on the promo, should you accept it.I may be in line for a promotion at work. Promotion may be the wrong word; I'm being considered for a different position. It would have wider responsibility, but would also pay more, so I guess promotion might fit. I don't know for sure I'll be getting it, or even if it will entail being hired directly by the company (I'm still working for the staffing company at this point), but my current work is starting to leave me with pain in my hand from flipping through cards for 40-50 hours a week, so it's probably a good idea for me to change things up a bit if I can.
I'm trying to decide if I want to buy myself a PlayStation for my birthday, or if I should wait and hope for a good Black Friday or Cyber Monday deal. I want to get it because The Last of Us 2 is coming out in February; I thought the first game was excellent and the trailers for the second look great. If I get the PS4 soon, I'll get the remastered version of the original game for free, I think. I actually tried to buy a system on ebay, but they wouldn't process my payment for some unknown reason, so I ended up having to get that transaction cancelled. I'd have to spend about $430 (for the console and a PS Pro subscription), and I'm also still considering getting a new video card and monitor some time soonish, so I'm not sure if I want to put out that kind of money.
Overtime is nice for the money, but it's been a bit annoying not getting home during normal business hours. Makes it hard to make appointments.
Been having bouts of the blahs the past month or so. It would come and go and nothing seemed to set it off. Thursday morning at 4 AM I went to the ER. was admitted. Friday morning at 8AM I had another heart Cath. They found an older stent that was 80% blocked by scar tissue, I'm now told that was the problem a year ago May. So they tell me to keep doing everything I'm doing because I'm doing everything right. Still have some of the blahs but that could be sheer exhaustion from all the time in the hospital.
Saturday morning!
Given all the past week's goings-on, I thought this would be apropos.
Let the cartoon begin!
Prayers up, SFC Ollie. I hope you get to feeling better soon and glad they caught the problem.Been having bouts of the blahs the past month or so. It would come and go and nothing seemed to set it off. Thursday morning at 4 AM I went to the ER. was admitted. Friday morning at 8AM I had another heart Cath. They found an older stent that was 80% blocked by scar tissue, I'm now told that was the problem a year ago May. So they tell me to keep doing everything I'm doing because I'm doing everything right. Still have some of the blahs but that could be sheer exhaustion from all the time in the hospital.
Prayers up that your pain from the vertibrate goes away soon.Been having bouts of the blahs the past month or so. It would come and go and nothing seemed to set it off. Thursday morning at 4 AM I went to the ER. was admitted. Friday morning at 8AM I had another heart Cath. They found an older stent that was 80% blocked by scar tissue, I'm now told that was the problem a year ago May. So they tell me to keep doing everything I'm doing because I'm doing everything right. Still have some of the blahs but that could be sheer exhaustion from all the time in the hospital.
Did they unblock the blocked stent?
Probably something totally unrelated but up to a couple of weeks ago I was experiencing chronic fatigue and the blahs and worried that something was really wrong. But I got to thinking that Hombre and I had fallen back into a pattern of mostly piecemeal meals, not especially healthy ones, sandwiches and potato chips, and such. So I went back on my old regime of flax oil/ground flax seed smoothies for breakfast, cut way back on sugar, and upped my veggie intake. Within a couple of days the fatigue and depression were gone and I was feeling good. Can't fix the collapsed vertebrae in my back, but if that's all I have to cope with, I'm good.
Hugs.
