Ask Joe (a new advice column just for USMB members)

[Pogo]

Dear Joe

If God exists, do you think God would look more like Zeus, or a dragon?

Ass-U-Me-ing God exists, I'm going to guess God looks like everything and nothing at the same time. I think giving Him either Monkey or reptilian attributes would be seriously selling Him short. Ass-U-Me-ing He exists.

Dear Joe:

If God is a He, who is the Female that makes Him one by comparison?

Are they properly married, or living in Sin?

 

[Vandalshandle]

Dear Joe,

Why did Dick Clark try to make a star out of Fabian, even though he could not sing?

 

[September]

Dear Joe

If God exists, do you think God would look more like Zeus, or a dragon?

Ass-U-Me-ing God exists, I'm going to guess God looks like everything and nothing at the same time. I think giving Him either Monkey or reptilian attributes would be seriously selling Him short. Ass-U-Me-ing He exists.

You impress me, human

 

[Vandalshandle]

Joe,
As a Walt Kelley fan, I have long been confused by the question and answer that he put forth in this, one of his most meaningful songs. Could you 'splain it too me in a way that I can understand?

 

[AVG-JOE]

Dear Joe

If God exists, do you think God would look more like Zeus, or a dragon?

Ass-U-Me-ing God exists, I'm going to guess God looks like everything and nothing at the same time. I think giving Him either Monkey or reptilian attributes would be seriously selling Him short. Ass-U-Me-ing He exists.

Dear Joe:

If God is a He, who is the Female that makes Him one by comparison?

Are they properly married, or living in Sin?

Thank you!​

This is one of my biggest problems with the patriarchal religions! Ass-U-Me-ing God exists, He/She/It has GOT to be WAY bigger than anything that can fit in to the skin of a wise old male Monkey. Even a fancy one with imaginary wings. God should have infinity limbs.

Although.... from a big-picture Evolutionary point of view, the patriarchal religion phase, like the cultural polytheistic phase did before it, is disappearing in to the history books. Good news though... Monkeys learned a lot from both.

To surviving the wind-down!​

 

[AVG-JOE]

To Mom!


And her little bastards! Still reaching for the Stars!

Fly, Monkeys! Fly!​

 

[AVG-JOE]

Joe,
As a Walt Kelley fan, I have long been confused by the question and answer that he put forth in this, one of his most meaningful songs. Could you 'splain it too me in a way that I can understand?

Whence That I Wince - They Might Be Giants (TMBG) - YouTube

Not tonight.

Perhaps tomorrow.

​

 

[AVG-JOE]

If I don't drag my ass out by oh-seven-hundred and close the 4F, printer #7 in the server room spits out 2 1/2 reams of

"Oh SHIT!!" "Oh SHIT!!" "Oh SHIT!!" "Oh SHIT!!" "Oh SHIT!!" "Oh SHIT!!" "Oh SHIT!!" "Oh SHIT!!" "Oh SHIT!!" "Oh SHIT!!" "Oh SHIT!!" "Oh SHIT!!" "Oh SHIT!!" "Oh SHIT!!" "Oh SHIT!!" "Oh SHIT!!" "Oh SHIT!!" "Oh SHIT!!" "Oh SHIT!!" "Oh SHIT!!" "Oh SHIT!!" "Oh SHIT!!" "Oh SHIT!!" "Oh SHIT!!"

in a number ten font.

Nobody knows why...​

 

[Esmeralda]

Ass-U-Me-ing God exists, I'm going to guess God looks like everything and nothing at the same time. I think giving Him either Monkey or reptilian attributes would be seriously selling Him short. Ass-U-Me-ing He exists.

Dear Joe:

If God is a He, who is the Female that makes Him one by comparison?

Are they properly married, or living in Sin?

Thank you!​

This is one of my biggest problems with the patriarchal religions! Ass-U-Me-ing God exists, He/She/It has GOT to be WAY bigger than anything that can fit in to the skin of a wise old male Monkey. Even a fancy one with imaginary wings. God should have infinity limbs.

Although.... from a big-picture Evolutionary point of view, the patriarchal religion phase, like the cultural polytheistic phase did before it, is disappearing in to the history books. Good news though... Monkeys learned a lot from both.

To surviving the wind-down!​

You two are a hoot.

 

[Esmeralda]

Dear Joe,

As I entertain myself with USMB, Starsky and Hutch are on the TV (Fox Retro). I'm not paying much attention, but I am aware there seems to be a lot of cars on that show. Which brings up the issue of red convertibles. What is the deal with that? Are these folks who have red convertibles nuts or what?

And, whatever happened to Starsky, not to mention Hutch? Did they move to Mexico and now star in Mexican soap operas?

Signed,

Curious in Sinsinati

 

[percysunshine]

Dear Joe;


Which is more expensive...paper or ink?

.

 

[DriftingSand]

Dear Joe:

Okay. I bought this new doo-hicky a few days ago to go along with my whats-it. I don't have instructions but there's a what-cha-ma-call-it that's supposed to connect the doo-hicky to the whats-it but I don't have a what-cha-ma-call-it. I do, however, have a thing-a-ma-jig. Is there a way I can replace the what-cha-ma-call-it with the thing-a-ma-jig?

Signed, anxious in Denver

 

[percysunshine]

Dear Joe;

I found a wiffle-pop-it yesterday.

If I put it on ebay for auction, and DriftingSand buys it, do you get a sales commission?

.

 

[Disir]

Dear Joe:

Okay. I bought this new doo-hicky a few days ago to go along with my whats-it. I don't have instructions but there's a what-cha-ma-call-it that's supposed to connect the doo-hicky to the whats-it but I don't have a what-cha-ma-call-it. I do, however, have a thing-a-ma-jig. Is there a way I can replace the what-cha-ma-call-it with the thing-a-ma-jig?

Signed, anxious in Denver

Jeeze o' Pete, that's me in a hardware/auto part store..................

I can do all kinds of things and none of that is it.

I can fix it. I can fix it. I need the screw driver with a crossy thing.

 

[AVG-JOE]

Joe,
As a Walt Kelley fan, I have long been confused by the question and answer that he put forth in this, one of his most meaningful songs. Could you 'splain it too me in a way that I can understand?

Whence That I Wince - They Might Be Giants (TMBG) - YouTube

I'm having a hard time getting beyond the deceased bear head hanging on the wall that suddenly starts singing, but at least it's animation.

As far as the message within goes... Don't Trust bears!

 

[AVG-JOE]

Dear Joe,

As I entertain myself with USMB, Starsky and Hutch are on the TV (Fox Retro). I'm not paying much attention, but I am aware there seems to be a lot of cars on that show. Which brings up the issue of red convertibles. What is the deal with that? Are these folks who have red convertibles nuts or what?

And, whatever happened to Starsky, not to mention Hutch? Did they move to Mexico and now star in Mexican soap operas?

Signed,

Curious in Sinsinati

The 'deal' with red sports cars:

Helping those with no game to get laid since the 50's! ​

Not sure about Starsky & Hutch... although I did hear a rumor that they married Cagney & Lacey and started a Lifestyle commune in Idaho.

`​

 

[AVG-JOE]

Dear Joe;


Which is more expensive...paper or ink?

.

When printing stolen government documents - paper.

When printing stolen screen-shots from the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show - ink.

I know! You'd think just the opposite, but it's true!!​

 

[AVG-JOE]

Dear Joe:

Okay. I bought this new doo-hicky a few days ago to go along with my whats-it. I don't have instructions but there's a what-cha-ma-call-it that's supposed to connect the doo-hicky to the whats-it but I don't have a what-cha-ma-call-it. I do, however, have a thing-a-ma-jig. Is there a way I can replace the what-cha-ma-call-it with the thing-a-ma-jig?

Signed, anxious in Denver

Yes indeed! Just order a flangheimer adapter from Acme Supply and hope that you have room on your chassis.

Just don't let Coyote help with the installation!​

 

[AVG-JOE]

Dear Joe;

I found a wiffle-pop-it yesterday.

If I put it on ebay for auction, and DriftingSand buys it, do you get a sales commission?

.

That depends on whether or not the sales price will justify my involvement.

My minimum fee is two gold stars and a cookie. ​

 

[AVG-JOE]

Dear Joe:

Okay. I bought this new doo-hicky a few days ago to go along with my whats-it. I don't have instructions but there's a what-cha-ma-call-it that's supposed to connect the doo-hicky to the whats-it but I don't have a what-cha-ma-call-it. I do, however, have a thing-a-ma-jig. Is there a way I can replace the what-cha-ma-call-it with the thing-a-ma-jig?

Signed, anxious in Denver

Jeeze o' Pete, that's me in a hardware/auto part store..................

I can do all kinds of things and none of that is it.

I can fix it. I can fix it. I need the screw driver with a crossy thing.

Just don't tell Phillip you borrowed it!!