FBI Director Suggests Trump's Ear Just Spontaneously Exploded

[Votto]

FBI Director Suggests Trump's Ear Just Spontaneously Exploded
U.S.·Jul 26, 2024 · BabylonBee.com
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In his testimony before Congress, FBI Director Christopher Wray proposed a bold new theory about the attempted assassination of former President Donald Trump, saying that it was possible that there was, in fact, no assassination attempt at all and that Trump's ear might have spontaneously exploded.

Wray cited the popular 90s sci-fi television show The X-Files and the theory of spontaneous human combustion, noting that the whole idea of a 20-year-old being able to sneak past all of the Secret Service agents and local police forces to shoot a presidential candidate was so far-fetched that Trump's ear spontaneously exploding was the most logical explanation.

"According to our investigation and analysis of the incident, it really seems that Trump's right ear might have exploded all by itself in a neat little bullet-shaped hole," Wray testified. "He definitely probably was not actually hit with a real bullet — we've totally ruled that one out. Investigations are still ongoing, so I may have better information later, but for now, it seems like Trump's ear just sort of decided to light itself up. It happens. Medical science doesn't have an answer for everything, ya know?"

Mainstream media outlets reporting on Wray's explanation have proposed that any mentions of a 20-year-old attempted shooter, "Ree Tardy Oswald," or even sloped roofs are certainly just far-right conspiracy theories made up to discredit the near-certain scientific fact that Trump's ear magically blew a hole in itself.


At publishing time, Wray had also suggested that all of the "blood" on Trump's face was actually ketchup.

 

[Greenbeard]

"According to our investigation and analysis of the incident, it really seems that Trump's right ear might have exploded all by itself in a neat little bullet-shaped hole," Wray testified.

Whatever scratch he sustained isn't even visible anymore.

 

[ChemEngineer]

Whatever scratch he sustained isn't even visible anymore.

That is because his hair covers the site of the injury.

 

[Greenbeard]

That is because his hair covers the site of the injury.

View attachment 984885

What injury?

 

[ChemEngineer]

What injury?

Donald Trump was shot in the top of his right external ear with a 5.56 mm rifle round.
Where have you been?

 

[Greenbeard]

Donald Trump was shot in the top of his right external ear with a 5.56 mm rifle round.
Where have you been?

I’m looking at a picture of his ear and there’s nothing there.

 

[Admiral Rockwell Tory]

Whatever scratch he sustained isn't even visible anymore.

You don't see that his hair is covering the area where he was hit? Probably intentionally? I had shingles and had extreme blisters on the upper part of my ear and they were horrible, oozing fluid and red like blood. A week later there was no sign of them

Trump's wound was two weeks ago as of tomorrow.

Why don't you just admit that you a conspiracy theory nutcase?

 

[ChemEngineer]

I’m looking at a picture of his ear and there’s nothing there.

I'll hold your hand for you, child.
Donald Trump's ear is "there." The very top of his ear is covered with his blonde hair
THAT is where he was injured, underneath that hair at the top of his ear. Do you understand now, or are you trying to be difficult and get attention?

 

[Greenbeard]

I'll hold your hand for you, child.
Donald Trump's ear is "there." The very top of his ear is covered with his blonde hair
THAT is where he was injured, underneath that hair at the top of his ear. Do you understand now, or are you trying to be difficult and get attention?

Whatever scratch he had is clearly gone at this point.

 

[Damaged Eagle]

Secret Service and FBI directors on 21 January 2025.

CHUCKLE